Just so you know...

[phrasemuffin]

Last night's post came from a place. Not an emo place. A slightly lonely place, sure, but mostly a contemplative place, not an emo place (I feel I should stress that bit). You see, what I realised was not that I don't have people who think like me. As far as I'm aware I don't have people who think like me, but that was a secondary realisation. The

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[ineptshieldmaid]

I find it rather ironic that the role of Wall then fell to Miss Amy, who was probably my last First Year friend, and with whom initial encounters were the most severely awkward. Perhaps that's actually helped somewhat with showing the real me - we went through the awkward awkward phase where I was pretty much metaphorically naked, so everything else becomes that much easier? Still, I feel I sort of abused that a little over the past couple of months (sorry if I bored you to tears), and while I know you wouldn't tell me to bugger off, I worry that you want to sometimes.

Nono, I promise!

I've been vacant to practically EVERYONE. Mental fog zone and all that. Also I kept seeing you after class, and class was draining and had Jenny Green in it. Result = vacant!amy. I do need to catch up on reading the Project again, I lost track during essay madness and then fandom swallowed me again.

Here, have an attractive Arthur icon.

Anyway, my point was that I don't have that long-term from-childhood (or even early teenhood) friend that a lot of

[phrasemuffin]

You weren't vacant - you were totally responsive. Thanks to you I was able to iron out lots of initial kinks. Lots! Although... maybe I did pick up on drained vibes though, which sparked "am I boring her" thoughts, which then led to "I'm abusing her writer" thoughts. But even if that is the case, it isn't the whole case - I felt bad for being self-guilted into introducing Hannah into Our Time, and then I felt like I monopolised what was left of Our Time by using you as a Wall to iron out MY literary flailings, without really feeling like I was contributing much to anything of yours

[phrasemuffin]

Oh, don't get me wrong; I do appreciate what I have. I know that I wouldn't be who I am today without certain people - there are things that I wouldn't have done, wouldn't have experienced, and other friends I wouldn't have made; I would be far less complete.

It's more that I realised that I don't have people from certain times in my life. People I can reminisce with about The Good Ol' Days and what have you. The type of friend I mentioned, the one who's been there from early childhood with whom there are treasured memories and unspoken languages and whatever else, that's just the ideal, the thing I feel I'm missing prettied-up and personified in Soap Drama conditions.

That, and I feel that I'm still only just getting to know some of my friends. Apart from work people and a few others, I feel I'm still in the Small Talk stage, or only just moving on from it. Which makes things difficult because I'm wired more for DnMs than small talk :P I'd like to be able to fall back on an old, comfortable friendship.