Fic: "Fade to Black", Buffy/Giles, chapter 3/10, STRONG ANGST! UNHAPPY ENDING!
Buffy concentrated on the crystal, willing it to give her permission. It scared her that it had been three days now, and it had yet to indicate that it was safe for her to enter his mind once again. Giles had told her that the time required for recovery should be less and less; not more, and Willow had agreed. Yet, that wasn’t how it was working.
Silently, she couldn’t help wondering if she had truly hurt him that last time. What if trying to pull him out was killing him? But would that be any worse than simply letting him remain as he was?
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a wisp of color in the stone she held clasped between them. The brilliant, clear azure captivated her attention immediately. All of her questions fled, as she solidly resolved to give it at least one more try.
Releasing his hand, she trailed a finger along what she could reach of the stubbled cheek. “I’m coming, Giles.”
Quickly she began the spell that would let her in once more.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, at least it’s never boring, Buffy thought, as she found herself crawling out of the door of what seemed to be some form of public outdoor restroom, though not precisely a style with which she was familiar with. Her moss-green v-necked t-shirt and dark blue denim kapris she’d been wearing in real life, and which had followed her here, suddenly seemed a tad inadequate, and she shivered as she looked down at the waves breaking on the rocks several hundred feet below. It was a sunny day, but there was a light wind and the ocean breeze wasn’t half so warm as what she’d come to expect in California.
The trees were hearty and the grass green, as she picked her way along the slight trail. It didn’t take long to find him. He had a blanket spread out on the ground and he was laying down, propped up on his elbow, heavily engrossed in the book before him as he bit into his half-finished apple. Buffy smiled to herself at the scene and was relieved to think that at least this time she wasn’t disturbing anything painful or embarrassing. “Hey, you.”
Startled, he jumped slightly, then slipped off his glasses so that he could squint up at her. “Buffy?”
“On the first try!” she commented as she flopped down on the blanket beside him, forcing him to sit up and give her room. “You know we’re in your mind right? And I don’t have to wait while you figure it out?”
“Er, no. I’m aware of myself for once. How much time has passed?” he asked anxiously.
“A little over three days. It’s a Monday,” she admitted. “It, um, took longer for it to be safe again. So what’s this? Fantasy or memory?” she asked, wanting to change the subject.
“Both, I rather suspect. It’s the Devon coast, though nothing specific. I just wanted a quiet place to think, so I thought of being here. While I was at it, I thought I’d brush up on Charnlan’s Index.” He indicated the book that now occupied his lap.
She rolled her eyes. “Figures you’d be stuck in a book even here. But it’s nice. I like it a lot. Of course, I’m definitely going to have be looking at you funny when we get you back out-knowing there’s a whole ocean in there,” Buffy said as she brought up a finger just short of tapping his head.
He laughed. “Well, I spent a lot of time here. I used to drive down on weekends sometimes, and of course I had a number of dealings with the local coven. I…ended up there for a while when I decided to give up Ripper. Then, of course when I came back here two years ago…” he trailed off, looking at her, afraid that he might have evoked unpleasant thoughts in his Slayer. Instead, he noticed that she was shivering and displaying a good bit of gooseflesh. “You’re cold. Wait a bit.”
Buffy nearly jumped when she suddenly found herself wearing a soft grey sweater and long black slacks, in addition to shoes that were far more sensible than her light sandals had been. “Geez, Giles! That is a seriously scary power.”
He gave her a half-cocked grin. “I’ve been practicing. It seems I’ve become a lot better at it over the past few days.”
Buffy raised an eyebrow. “Better at altering women’s clothing?”
“Er, not specifically. Just controlling things in general.”
“Anyway, thanks,” she commented, fingering the soft fabric that almost seemed as if it might be cashmere. Then she remembered this was Giles’ mind, so it very well might be. Then she looked at the roast beef sandwich. “You can do food now, too? And actually have the taste work out?”
“Not on purpose. I was caught up in my reading and this just appeared on a whim. I used to bring my lunch up here often, so I assume I just more or less expected it to be there. Actually, I find that’s the best way to manifest most things-just trick myself into unconsciousnessly assuming them into being.”
“Do you actually get hungry?” Buffy asked, morbidly curious.
Giles smiled. “Some habits just die hard, I suppose.” He offered her half, but she refused, guilty thinking that in a few hours she’d have the opportunity to eat the real thing, if she so desired.
They chatted comfortably, finally getting up to walk around the seaside cliffs and along the trail before Buffy regretfully admitted the time to try once more was getting near. She was tempted to ignore what her watch, enspelled to keep time in this place, told her, but Willow had stressed the importance of not doing so and told graphically disturbing tales of what might happen if she did-even though Buffy privately suspected there may have been some exaggeration-so the Slayer decided it was probably wisest not to, even as her stomach knotted at the thought that they might fail once more.
“Giles? What was that thing?”
He stopped and looked at her uncertainly. “Which ‘thing?’”
“The shadow with the red eyes that stopped me from pulling you through last time. Did you see it? ‘Cause it scared the hell out of me.”
He hid the shiver that attacked him at the mention of it. “Yes. It was there the first time, too, I believe, though this last time it was certainly more noticeable.”
“Is it…what’s causing this?”
Spreading his hands he knew she was asking the same question he’d asked himself so many times since he’d seen her last. “Perhaps. Or it could simply be a creation of my own mind relating to my inability to cross with you. Have you learned any more about the demon?”
Buffy shook her head and chewed on her lip. “No. Willow’s looked, and Elyssa and the rest of the coven are helping, but it’s pretty much just a repeat of what we know. Everyone else who’s ever gotten hit by a blast from this thing either lived or they died.”
“Which doesn’t seem to be very helpful in my case, since I apparently can’t decide to do either,” he replied.
Buffy chose not to comment on that, and instead warned him to prepare himself as she made ready to call forth the portal that would lead back to the real world. “You might want to sit for this.”
Giles nodded, recalling his previous bouts of nausea at Buffy’s invocation of the way out, and sure enough, it hit hard this time as well. Buffy surprised him by stroking his back as he rocked slightly, letting him take the time he needed to readjust.
She gave him a hand up, and together, they looked up at the house she still thought of as home, no matter how far into hell it might rest now.
“Giles?”
He turned to her just in time for his Slayer’s arms to snake themselves around him and hold him close. Giles looked down at her, slightly stunned. There was a time when they would have comforted each other physically, but the last few years had forced space between them, making even the more casual touches difficult. Yet, since Buffy had begun visiting him in his mind, those walls seemed to be falling down once more, and now here he was wrapped in her arms. Not only that, but for the first time since she’d jumped off that damn tower and everything had been irreparably changed, it felt good-solid and right. Carefully he returned the hug, wishing he could hold her forever, but knowing that soon enough he would be alone once more with only his own manifestations to keep him sane.
Buffy found herself taking in his scent, noticing that even here, it was his own unique blend of his cologne, mint, a hint of maleness, and something that was distinctly his. It felt as safe as it always had, and the familiar twinge came to her, even as she pushed it aside. She knew her feelings for him were strong-stronger than simple friendship and stronger than could be explained by his position in her life as a guide and protector. Still, they were too dangerous to explore. Every man she had ever opened herself up to had left her; and this was Giles. If she were to admit such feelings to herself and then lose him-as it was beginning to seem very possible she might do-she didn’t know if she’d be able to survive it. It was so much easier to just hide the potential away and keep things the way they were: safe.
“Like this,” she whispered into his shirt. “Let’s try it like this; maybe instead of pulling you through, we can try it together.”
Giles didn’t argue; anything that might give them a greater chance of success was something he was willing to try. He kept his arm tightly around her shoulder as she leaned into him and they walked the rest of the way to the door.
“Ready?” Buffy inquired as she shoved aside the various confusing emotions she was feeling at the moment, knowing that she certainly couldn’t afford any distractions.
“I am,” he confirmed, even though Giles could feel his gut clenching at the thought of what he was facing once again. Once it started the pain of being repelled was shattering, but that was tolerable. Far worse were the memories and fantasies he found himself lost in after, until awareness finally came again and allowed him to free himself. Still, he was willing to risk it on the chance of finding a way out.
Together they threw their weight through the door of 1630 Revello, hoping to find the way home.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Hope Buffy likes peanut butter, jelly, and egg salad sandwiches,” Elyssa giggled as she peeled apart the contents of the rather abused looking deli bag that had somehow found its way into the passenger seat and under the passenger on the way over to the hospital.
“And the voices in my head were chanting for cold cuts, but nooo I just had to ignore them,” Willow giggled back.
“Think we can convince her they’re supposed to be like that?”
The redhead was about to compose a witty response, when it hit her that very likely Buffy wouldn’t care one way or another; if she ate at all it would be on autopilot, and Willow rather doubted taste was even a factor.
“Thanks, El. For coming with,” she said instead, now quite serious.
“Hey, it’s okay. This Mr. Giles is important to you, too. I can tell,” the brunette flashed her a sincere sympathetic smile, and Willow returned it gratefully as they entwined their fingers.
“I hope…I hope you can meet him-for real, I mean. Not just a casual ‘hi.’ I know he liked you at the coven when he met you that one time, but I think he’d be really happy with our togetherness. Considering my past, this is definitely of the good.”
All of a sudden, Willow heard the strangled scream from down the hall. Instinctively, she knew the room it was coming from, and she started to run, Elyssa running along beside her to avoid being drug down the hall.
“Buffy! Goddess, what’s wrong?” she asked as she caught her wild dash with a hand to the doorframe, bringing herself to a sudden stop and causing the other witch to bump into her from behind.
The Slayer was shaking, on her knees on the chair, and lifting herself up to lean across the prone form in the bed to hug him around the waist the best she could manage around the various equipment. “Giles, Giles, Giles,” she whispered over and over as she rocked back and forth, insensible to the presence of the others in the room.
Willow grabbed the blonde’s shoulders and hauled her back, breaking Buffy’s weak, nerveless grip on her Watcher. “Buffy! Snap out of it.”
Buffy stopped rocking and turned her head to look at Willow, blinking a few times before her eyes focused. “Willow?”
“I’m here. You okay?”
“I can’t…I can’t keep doing this to him. It’s not working, and it’s hurting him.”
Willow had almost completely forgotten Elyssa, but rather than standing around awkwardly, the other girl asked if she could bring something to help Buffy calm down. “Tea,” Willow responded before she even thought about it, but Elyssa was immediately gone, the sandwiches tossed forgotten off to the side on the tiny table by the bed.
“Hey, tell me about it,” Willow urged, smoothing the blonde strands into place and stroking a shoulder in hopes of calming the shaking.
“He screams. I’ve never heard him scream like that before, but I can still hear him now. I can still feel it ripping him away from me.”
“It? What ‘it?’”
Buffy hadn’t told Willow about the shadow last time, because she hadn’t been sure, but Giles had confirmed that he saw it too, and then this time…there had been no doubt. “There’s something in there with him, Will. Something bad. It won’t let him out.” Her voice was strained, but other than looking shell shocked, she was oddly composed, and the witch found that made the whole thing scarier still.
Buffy let the whole story spill out of her. “We have to find out what this thing is, Will, because there’s no point in putting him through this. It’s got to be hell…but I can’t just leave him there either.”
A steaming mug was slipped into her hands and she looked up in surprise at Elyssa. “Um, hi.”
“But you can still visit him, right? Keep him company while we work on finding out about this new nasty?” Elyssa asked. Willow had been keeping her updated on what Buffy was doing and then she’d managed to hear most of the conversation just now. She only knew the Slayer casually, but hoped her comment wasn’t entirely out of place.
Buffy’s eyes grew wide, and she turned to Willow for confirmation. “I can do that right? Even if we don’t keep trying?”
“Of course. In the meantime, we’ll just have to see what we can do to make it work when we do try again, okay, Buff?”
Chapter 4
Silently, she couldn’t help wondering if she had truly hurt him that last time. What if trying to pull him out was killing him? But would that be any worse than simply letting him remain as he was?
Out of the corner of her eye, she caught a wisp of color in the stone she held clasped between them. The brilliant, clear azure captivated her attention immediately. All of her questions fled, as she solidly resolved to give it at least one more try.
Releasing his hand, she trailed a finger along what she could reach of the stubbled cheek. “I’m coming, Giles.”
Quickly she began the spell that would let her in once more.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Well, at least it’s never boring, Buffy thought, as she found herself crawling out of the door of what seemed to be some form of public outdoor restroom, though not precisely a style with which she was familiar with. Her moss-green v-necked t-shirt and dark blue denim kapris she’d been wearing in real life, and which had followed her here, suddenly seemed a tad inadequate, and she shivered as she looked down at the waves breaking on the rocks several hundred feet below. It was a sunny day, but there was a light wind and the ocean breeze wasn’t half so warm as what she’d come to expect in California.
The trees were hearty and the grass green, as she picked her way along the slight trail. It didn’t take long to find him. He had a blanket spread out on the ground and he was laying down, propped up on his elbow, heavily engrossed in the book before him as he bit into his half-finished apple. Buffy smiled to herself at the scene and was relieved to think that at least this time she wasn’t disturbing anything painful or embarrassing. “Hey, you.”
Startled, he jumped slightly, then slipped off his glasses so that he could squint up at her. “Buffy?”
“On the first try!” she commented as she flopped down on the blanket beside him, forcing him to sit up and give her room. “You know we’re in your mind right? And I don’t have to wait while you figure it out?”
“Er, no. I’m aware of myself for once. How much time has passed?” he asked anxiously.
“A little over three days. It’s a Monday,” she admitted. “It, um, took longer for it to be safe again. So what’s this? Fantasy or memory?” she asked, wanting to change the subject.
“Both, I rather suspect. It’s the Devon coast, though nothing specific. I just wanted a quiet place to think, so I thought of being here. While I was at it, I thought I’d brush up on Charnlan’s Index.” He indicated the book that now occupied his lap.
She rolled her eyes. “Figures you’d be stuck in a book even here. But it’s nice. I like it a lot. Of course, I’m definitely going to have be looking at you funny when we get you back out-knowing there’s a whole ocean in there,” Buffy said as she brought up a finger just short of tapping his head.
He laughed. “Well, I spent a lot of time here. I used to drive down on weekends sometimes, and of course I had a number of dealings with the local coven. I…ended up there for a while when I decided to give up Ripper. Then, of course when I came back here two years ago…” he trailed off, looking at her, afraid that he might have evoked unpleasant thoughts in his Slayer. Instead, he noticed that she was shivering and displaying a good bit of gooseflesh. “You’re cold. Wait a bit.”
Buffy nearly jumped when she suddenly found herself wearing a soft grey sweater and long black slacks, in addition to shoes that were far more sensible than her light sandals had been. “Geez, Giles! That is a seriously scary power.”
He gave her a half-cocked grin. “I’ve been practicing. It seems I’ve become a lot better at it over the past few days.”
Buffy raised an eyebrow. “Better at altering women’s clothing?”
“Er, not specifically. Just controlling things in general.”
“Anyway, thanks,” she commented, fingering the soft fabric that almost seemed as if it might be cashmere. Then she remembered this was Giles’ mind, so it very well might be. Then she looked at the roast beef sandwich. “You can do food now, too? And actually have the taste work out?”
“Not on purpose. I was caught up in my reading and this just appeared on a whim. I used to bring my lunch up here often, so I assume I just more or less expected it to be there. Actually, I find that’s the best way to manifest most things-just trick myself into unconsciousnessly assuming them into being.”
“Do you actually get hungry?” Buffy asked, morbidly curious.
Giles smiled. “Some habits just die hard, I suppose.” He offered her half, but she refused, guilty thinking that in a few hours she’d have the opportunity to eat the real thing, if she so desired.
They chatted comfortably, finally getting up to walk around the seaside cliffs and along the trail before Buffy regretfully admitted the time to try once more was getting near. She was tempted to ignore what her watch, enspelled to keep time in this place, told her, but Willow had stressed the importance of not doing so and told graphically disturbing tales of what might happen if she did-even though Buffy privately suspected there may have been some exaggeration-so the Slayer decided it was probably wisest not to, even as her stomach knotted at the thought that they might fail once more.
“Giles? What was that thing?”
He stopped and looked at her uncertainly. “Which ‘thing?’”
“The shadow with the red eyes that stopped me from pulling you through last time. Did you see it? ‘Cause it scared the hell out of me.”
He hid the shiver that attacked him at the mention of it. “Yes. It was there the first time, too, I believe, though this last time it was certainly more noticeable.”
“Is it…what’s causing this?”
Spreading his hands he knew she was asking the same question he’d asked himself so many times since he’d seen her last. “Perhaps. Or it could simply be a creation of my own mind relating to my inability to cross with you. Have you learned any more about the demon?”
Buffy shook her head and chewed on her lip. “No. Willow’s looked, and Elyssa and the rest of the coven are helping, but it’s pretty much just a repeat of what we know. Everyone else who’s ever gotten hit by a blast from this thing either lived or they died.”
“Which doesn’t seem to be very helpful in my case, since I apparently can’t decide to do either,” he replied.
Buffy chose not to comment on that, and instead warned him to prepare himself as she made ready to call forth the portal that would lead back to the real world. “You might want to sit for this.”
Giles nodded, recalling his previous bouts of nausea at Buffy’s invocation of the way out, and sure enough, it hit hard this time as well. Buffy surprised him by stroking his back as he rocked slightly, letting him take the time he needed to readjust.
She gave him a hand up, and together, they looked up at the house she still thought of as home, no matter how far into hell it might rest now.
“Giles?”
He turned to her just in time for his Slayer’s arms to snake themselves around him and hold him close. Giles looked down at her, slightly stunned. There was a time when they would have comforted each other physically, but the last few years had forced space between them, making even the more casual touches difficult. Yet, since Buffy had begun visiting him in his mind, those walls seemed to be falling down once more, and now here he was wrapped in her arms. Not only that, but for the first time since she’d jumped off that damn tower and everything had been irreparably changed, it felt good-solid and right. Carefully he returned the hug, wishing he could hold her forever, but knowing that soon enough he would be alone once more with only his own manifestations to keep him sane.
Buffy found herself taking in his scent, noticing that even here, it was his own unique blend of his cologne, mint, a hint of maleness, and something that was distinctly his. It felt as safe as it always had, and the familiar twinge came to her, even as she pushed it aside. She knew her feelings for him were strong-stronger than simple friendship and stronger than could be explained by his position in her life as a guide and protector. Still, they were too dangerous to explore. Every man she had ever opened herself up to had left her; and this was Giles. If she were to admit such feelings to herself and then lose him-as it was beginning to seem very possible she might do-she didn’t know if she’d be able to survive it. It was so much easier to just hide the potential away and keep things the way they were: safe.
“Like this,” she whispered into his shirt. “Let’s try it like this; maybe instead of pulling you through, we can try it together.”
Giles didn’t argue; anything that might give them a greater chance of success was something he was willing to try. He kept his arm tightly around her shoulder as she leaned into him and they walked the rest of the way to the door.
“Ready?” Buffy inquired as she shoved aside the various confusing emotions she was feeling at the moment, knowing that she certainly couldn’t afford any distractions.
“I am,” he confirmed, even though Giles could feel his gut clenching at the thought of what he was facing once again. Once it started the pain of being repelled was shattering, but that was tolerable. Far worse were the memories and fantasies he found himself lost in after, until awareness finally came again and allowed him to free himself. Still, he was willing to risk it on the chance of finding a way out.
Together they threw their weight through the door of 1630 Revello, hoping to find the way home.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
“Hope Buffy likes peanut butter, jelly, and egg salad sandwiches,” Elyssa giggled as she peeled apart the contents of the rather abused looking deli bag that had somehow found its way into the passenger seat and under the passenger on the way over to the hospital.
“And the voices in my head were chanting for cold cuts, but nooo I just had to ignore them,” Willow giggled back.
“Think we can convince her they’re supposed to be like that?”
The redhead was about to compose a witty response, when it hit her that very likely Buffy wouldn’t care one way or another; if she ate at all it would be on autopilot, and Willow rather doubted taste was even a factor.
“Thanks, El. For coming with,” she said instead, now quite serious.
“Hey, it’s okay. This Mr. Giles is important to you, too. I can tell,” the brunette flashed her a sincere sympathetic smile, and Willow returned it gratefully as they entwined their fingers.
“I hope…I hope you can meet him-for real, I mean. Not just a casual ‘hi.’ I know he liked you at the coven when he met you that one time, but I think he’d be really happy with our togetherness. Considering my past, this is definitely of the good.”
All of a sudden, Willow heard the strangled scream from down the hall. Instinctively, she knew the room it was coming from, and she started to run, Elyssa running along beside her to avoid being drug down the hall.
“Buffy! Goddess, what’s wrong?” she asked as she caught her wild dash with a hand to the doorframe, bringing herself to a sudden stop and causing the other witch to bump into her from behind.
The Slayer was shaking, on her knees on the chair, and lifting herself up to lean across the prone form in the bed to hug him around the waist the best she could manage around the various equipment. “Giles, Giles, Giles,” she whispered over and over as she rocked back and forth, insensible to the presence of the others in the room.
Willow grabbed the blonde’s shoulders and hauled her back, breaking Buffy’s weak, nerveless grip on her Watcher. “Buffy! Snap out of it.”
Buffy stopped rocking and turned her head to look at Willow, blinking a few times before her eyes focused. “Willow?”
“I’m here. You okay?”
“I can’t…I can’t keep doing this to him. It’s not working, and it’s hurting him.”
Willow had almost completely forgotten Elyssa, but rather than standing around awkwardly, the other girl asked if she could bring something to help Buffy calm down. “Tea,” Willow responded before she even thought about it, but Elyssa was immediately gone, the sandwiches tossed forgotten off to the side on the tiny table by the bed.
“Hey, tell me about it,” Willow urged, smoothing the blonde strands into place and stroking a shoulder in hopes of calming the shaking.
“He screams. I’ve never heard him scream like that before, but I can still hear him now. I can still feel it ripping him away from me.”
“It? What ‘it?’”
Buffy hadn’t told Willow about the shadow last time, because she hadn’t been sure, but Giles had confirmed that he saw it too, and then this time…there had been no doubt. “There’s something in there with him, Will. Something bad. It won’t let him out.” Her voice was strained, but other than looking shell shocked, she was oddly composed, and the witch found that made the whole thing scarier still.
Buffy let the whole story spill out of her. “We have to find out what this thing is, Will, because there’s no point in putting him through this. It’s got to be hell…but I can’t just leave him there either.”
A steaming mug was slipped into her hands and she looked up in surprise at Elyssa. “Um, hi.”
“But you can still visit him, right? Keep him company while we work on finding out about this new nasty?” Elyssa asked. Willow had been keeping her updated on what Buffy was doing and then she’d managed to hear most of the conversation just now. She only knew the Slayer casually, but hoped her comment wasn’t entirely out of place.
Buffy’s eyes grew wide, and she turned to Willow for confirmation. “I can do that right? Even if we don’t keep trying?”
“Of course. In the meantime, we’ll just have to see what we can do to make it work when we do try again, okay, Buff?”
Chapter 4