All The Small Things Episode Two Transcript
Any comments/suggestions/corrections gratefully received. I've been slow posting these, but Three to Five are done and ready to go, and will be here as soon as possible.
All The Small Things - Episode Two
All The Small Things - Episode Two
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. MICHAEL's choir sings in the background as ESTHER cycles up the church, intercut with choir practice. As Esther comes up by the side door, SHREK steps out in front of her. Esther skids to a stop with a shriek.
ESTHER
God!
SHREK
Sorry! Sorry. I didn't mean-
ESTHER
Shouldn't you be in choir practisc?
She parks her bike.
SHREK
No. Yes... I'm a bit-
ESTHER
Late? Yes, nearly over.
SHREK
No. Thingy. Nervous.
ESTHER
Of what?
SHREK
Him.
ESTHER
Michael?
SHREK
We're in t'doghouse.
ESTHER
For what?
SHREK
Losing the... whatsit.
ESTHER
The music fest?
SHREK
No, I don't wanna sing in case I get it... wrong
ESTHER
That's what rehearsals are for.
Shrek shakes his head.
ESTHER
It is! Now you go in there and sing!
Shrek goes to the door, pauses and looks back at Esther.
ESTHER
Go on!
Shrek goes in and Esther crosses her arms.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. Shrek scurries up the central passageway and takes his place amongst the choir. Michael looks pointedly at his watch.
MICHAEL
Watch me. Oh, guys, come on, come one, come on! Watch me!
The choir trails off.
MICHAEL
Watch me. It's not hard.
The choir takes their seats again.
MICHAEL
Tenors, um... could you sound less like you're being strangled? Basses, where the hell were you wandering off to, sopranos there was only one voice hitting top A-
He gestures to LAYLA
MICHAEL
Oh, God, no wonder we lost the Music Fest.
He steps down, rubbing his hands together briskly.
MICHAEL
Ok, here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna wipe that fiasco from our memories-
GILBERT
Excellent plan.
MICHAEL
As if it never happened.
LOUISE
Bravo.
He takes an envelope from his jacket and holds it up.
MICHAEL
Any idea what this is?
PHOEBE
...tickets to Venice?
Michael looks at her. LOUISE gasps.
MICHAEL
This is an entry form for the North West Choral Heats. Now, despite last week's debacle, my faith remains miraculously intact but this is a massive step up for us, guys. The fun and games have to stop. From here on, it gets serious.
Shrek looks worried.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Esther is still standing there next to her bike, arms crossed.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. Choir practice is over. MONICA collects her music from the keyboard and hands it to Shrek.
MONICA
Chin up. We'll get there.
SHREK
No. It's not like him to get whatsit.
PHOEBE
Arsey? Shouty?
SHREK
Thingied at me.
He makes a pointedly cross face.
SHREK
He never used to. Never.
PHOEBE
Well, we know who to thank.
SOFIJA puts on her coat. Monica bends down to PHOEBE.
MONICA
Madame Butterfly?
Sofija laughs.
PHOEBE
No. Esther. For beating him. Now he's got something to prove.
MONICA
Well, Madame certainly has.
SOFIJA
I don't know, I think she's a little- how do you say? - full of herself.
PHOEBE
Full of something...
She sings in a deliberately high-pitched warbling voice. Giggling, Monica puts a hand over her mouth. Still laughing, they stand up and leave. Layla comes back into the church in time to hear them laughing at her. She walks down the central passageway. Shrek hurries after her.
SHREK
You've got a lovely thingy.
Layla stops.
LAYLA
What?
SHREK
It's beautiful.
LAYLA
Sorry?
SHREK (patting his chest)
Your whatsamacallit.
Layla holds up her hands to try and fend him off. GILBERT strides down.
GILBERT
That'll do, Clifford. Don't be pestering the young lady.
ETHEL joins him.
SHREK
I meant - voice.
GILBERT
Off you trot now.
Shrek leaves.
LAYLA
Thank you. I didn't quite know what to - he's a bit overwhelming. What did you make of tonight?
GILBERT
Er - shambolic. Painful.
ETHEL
What do you expect of a non-auditioned choir?
LAYLA
Seriously, no auditions? I thought that was a joke.
GILBERT
Oh no, any old tone-deaf wailer can turn up and ruin it for the rest of us.
Behind them, Shrek is putting chairs away.
LAYLA
But that's awful, for the real singers. And for Michael, he puts so much into it! And the choir has so much potential. We could go all the way.
ETHEL
If the right people are involved.
GILBERT
And the rest?
He and Ethel look pointedly at Shrek. Layla turns and looks too.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Michael puts something in his car and turns to go back to the church for me when he sees Esther standing in front of him. They look at each other in awkward silence for a minute.
ESTHER
Why aren't you answering your phone?
MICHAEL
Been up to my eyes in... what's going on.
ESTHER
Kyle's been asking for you. He doesn't understand why you're not at home.
MICHAEL
Can't you explain it to him?
ESTHER
Barely explain it to myself. Look, the Music Fest thing. I did it for the kids. Wasn't meant to upset you or challenge you, or-
MICHAEL
It wasn't a challenge. Unless you were thinking of repeating it?
Esther half-laughs.
ESTHER
Of course, no.
MICHAEL
Shall we just draw a line under the whole painful episode?
Esther nods.
MICHAEL
Tell the boys it's been difficult to know what to say, given how things have...
People appear blurrily over Esther's shoulder.
MICHAEL
Look, Esther. There's something I should-
But he's distracted by the people behind her. It's Layla and GEORGIA.
MICHAEL
I'll be in touch.
He turns and goes back to the car. Esther turns and sees them coming. Layla gives her a smile which Esther ignores.
LAYLA
Would you like me to drive?
MICHAEL (giving her the keys)
Sure. Why not?
Georgia stops by Esther.
GEORGIA
He's told you then.
Esther looks at her.
GEORGIA
That he's moved in with her.
Esther watches as they drive away.
GEORGIA
Guessing not.
ESTHER
Moving on.
GEORGIA
That was pretty quick.
ESTHER
What do you expect me to do?
GEORGIA
Fall apart?
ESTHER
I have three kids and a home to run. I don't have the luxury of falling apart.
A MODERN GLASS BLOCK OF FLATS, TIMBER WHARF. Layla and Michael dance in their minimalist flat. He lays her down on a sofa and kisses her neck.
LAYLA (writhing)
Say... say this is the happiest day of your life.
He kisses her forehead and moves away to sit at the other end of the sofa.
MICHAEL
Maybe I should call the boys.
LAYLA
Why?
MICHAEL
Cause they're my kids. I keep putting it off.
LAYLA
Why?
MICHAEL
Because I don't know what to say.
LAYLA
You could invite them round. Wouldn't they like to see your new home?
MICHAEL
I somehow doubt it.
LAYLA
So... I was wondering...how far you wanna go.
Michael looks at her speculatively.
LAYLA (giggling)
With the choir.
MICHAEL
North West Finals.
Layla sits up, legs across his lap, excited.
LAYLA
Do you really think that's a goer?
MICHAEL
They're not that bad!
LAYLA (interspersed with kissing Michael)
God, no. They're - enthusiastic - loud - out of tune, sometimes.
MICHAEL
True.
LAYLA
Eccentric.
MICHAEL
No question.
LAYLA
In some cases, downright strange.
MICHAEL
Oh, you mean old Shrek? No, he's harmless enough.
LAYLA
To be honest, I find him quite scary.
MICHAEL
Really?
LAYLA
Mm. Always hanging around, in the vestry, by the church.
MICHAEL
It's his job.
LAYLA
But whenever I'm there? Something about him - I just don't feel safe.
Michael wraps his arms around her.
ON THE STREET
Shrek, walking down the street, comes across KYLE at a bus stop, earphones in and singing. When he stops, Shrek and the other women waiting for the bus burst into applause. Kyle pulls out his earphones, looking astonished. GRACIE appears.
SHREK
Don't stop, that was just-
Gracie takes off her hat and hands it round. Shrek and the women drop money in it.
GRACIE
Merci. Cheers. Nice one. Thank you. Ta. (to Kyle) You coming?
KYLE
Where?
GRACIE
Split a cookie. Eat, cafe. We just made two quid. Come on!
She leads Kyle away, turning back to grin at Shrek.
SHREK'S HOUSE
Shrek wanders around, spraying thousands of plants with a mister, singing along to a CD at the top of his powerful voice. The doorbell rings. Shrek hardly seems to hear it. It rings again.
SHOUTING
Clifford! I know you're in there! Clifford!
Shrek goes out to the balcony. His landlord is on the pavement below, brandishing an envelope.
LANDLORD
You know what this is? An eviction notice! You've had enough warning!
SHREK
But I- whatsit!
LANDLORD
You've got till six.
SHREK
But - I thingied! I paid!
THE CHURCH. Esther, cycling up the path, nearly runs over OLIVE.
OLIVE
No prizes for it, Mrs Busy-busy-brave-face-bollocks.
ESTHER
Olive, if I stopped to think, you'd be scraping me off the pavement.
Louise comes up, her arms full of boxes, grinning.
LOUISE
Guess who's entering the North West Chorals?
ESTHER
Great! Best of luck.
OLIVE
Maybe we'll have a crack, after our triumph at the Music Fest.
Louise's grin fades.
ESTHER
Not me. I go red just thinking about my performance.
Louise laughs.
LOUISE
Don't we all?
She goes in. Esther walks off, Olive following.
OLIVE
What about Kyle's performance, what about Fred's?
ESTHER
They were great, obviously.
OLIVE
We were all great, so why not carry on, All The Small Things rides again.
ESTHER
There is no "All The Small Things", it was a one-off.
OLIVE
Yeah, but the-
ESTHER
People want to sing, they can join Michael's choir.
IN THE CHURCH
ETHEL (rustling papers)
Well, I think that concludes the meeting.
ESTHER
Er, no. Just a couple more items.
ETHEL
Indeed. I must confess, since you resigned from the choir, I'm surprised you've elected to remain on the church committee.
OLIVE
Thank God she has.
MONICA
Hear, hear.
LOUISE
I just think it's so brave of you. If I had been dumped for a younger woman, I would not be able to show my face.
ESTHER
Well, perhaps I'm just thick-skinned.
LOUISE
You're lucky. I'm way too sensitive.
ETHEL
So, these other items.
ESTHER
A request from the Ashworth Lane Mother & Toddler group-
Ethel rolls her eyes.
ESTHER
-asking if they can use the church one morning a week.
ETHEL
And these are women who don't appear on Sunday from one decade to the next. Declined.
Esther writes it down.
ESTHER
The String Quartet are still looking for somewhere to practise.
ETHEL
The House of God is not a rehearsal room.
Esther writes this down too.
ESTHER
And the Hattersley Meditation and Yogic Flying Society-
ETHEL
If there are no further *sensible* items, can I draw your attention to our new church domestic? Sofija!
Sofija appears.
ETHEL (with gestures to express her meaning)
You may *serve* *coffee* now.
Sofija smiles and goes to get it. Ethel raises her hands smugly.
THE BACK ROOM
People are gathered around at tables. Sofija is handing out coffee at one, Esther pours herself a cup from an urn. JAKE sees her and comes over. He takes a cup from her and sips it - struggles to swallow it, holds it at arm's length and makes a disgusted noise.
JAKE
Is there a pact within the Church of England that all coffee has to taste like camel shit?
He puts the cup down.
JAKE
Hey. How about we raid the collection and buy ourselves an espresso machine?
ESTHER
I don't think they're ready for a revolution.
JAKE
Well, they liked your revolution. The Music Fest last week?
ESTHER
Oh, actually they hated it. Well, the Old Guard anyway. The only reason we won was your casting vote.
JAKE
You were the best, end of.
ESTHER
Well, it's odd you should say that because to quote my estranged husband, I was "embarrassing" and "inappropriate".
JAKE
Well, here's to inappropriate.
He goes back to the food at Sofija's table, turning to grin at Esther over his shoulder.
INSIDE THE CHURCH
Michael's choir sings, all except Shrek. It doesn't sound good.
MICHAEL
No! No! No! No! Where are people looking?! What are people thinking, what are we doing? Why are we here? Seriously, why? What is the point of this choir?
PHOEBE
A good laugh! A real good sing-song!
Michael glares at her and Ethel mutters something under her breath at her.
AFTER REHEARSAL. Phoebe, Sofija and NEMANJA leave together.
PHOEBE
Wrong answer, apparently.
Louise scurries up behind them.
LOUISE
Rehearsal CDs! For those who need more pratice.
Nemanja walks away.
VESTRY. Layla, coming out, bumps into Shrek.
SHREK
Sorry. Did I make you - thingy?
LAYLA
No, I'm fine, I-
SHREK
I didn't mean to.
LAYLA
What are you doing?
SHREK
I was just -
LAYLA
Hanging around? Waiting for me?
SHREK
No! I'm the whatsit. It's my thingy.
LAYLA
What?!
SHREK
Job! Caretaker. I lock up!
LAYLA
Please, just - just leave it! Ok? Just - leave it.
Michael comes out. He puts an arm around Layla and she clings to him as they walk away together, Michael looking bemused, Layla throwing terrified looks back to Shrek. Michael says something indistinct.
LAYLA
I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need some air.
KYLE'S ROOM. Kyle plays guitar and Grace plays drums. FRED comes in.
FRED
Oi! What's happening?
They stop.
GRACE
He's teaching me something.
FRED
When was this arranged? Why weren't I asked? Ok, here's what. Look, last week was a one-off. We let you play because we were desperate, but don't get any ideas. This is my band.
GRACE
Since when?
FRED
Since the Music Fest which, hello, was all down to me.
GRACE
Not your mum, then?
FRED
Down to me what we play. Down to me we have a band. Down to me who's in the band. So as far as I'm concerned-
KYLE
She's in.
Fred looks gobsmacked. Kyle smiles at Grace and Fred stalks out as the music starts up again. Fred rethinks it, picks up his bass and joins in.
DOWNSTAIRS. Esther is laying the table when Georgia walks in.
ESTHER
How was choir practise?
GEORGIA
Dad spat the dummy. Said we were crap. Which we were, but no more crap than usual.
ESTHER
Well, must have had his reasons.
GEORGIA
Why do you do that?
ESTHER
What?
GEORGIA
Stick up for him when he's pissed all over you.
ESTHER (quietly)
Georgia.
GEORGIA
And you've let him! And now you've give up and you've not even tried to get him back! Well, next time I need lessons in committment, remind me not to come to you!
Esther stops laying the table.
ESTHER
He actually left me.
GEORGIA
Yeah. Yeah, we all know he's a twat. But the only question is, what are you gonna do about it?
Esther just looks at her. Frustrated, Georgia leaves, slamming the door.
SHREK'S HOUSE. When Shrek gets home, there's a new chain and padlock on the door and pulling at it and hitting the door doesn't get it open. Shrek sees all his stuff strewn in the grass. The landlord appears.
SHREK
But I - paid!
LANDLORD
He didn't cash the cheques. He's sold the property. He needs you out.
SHREK
But where will I go?
LANDLORD
You must have family.
SHREK
No!
LANDLORD
Mates.
SHREK
No!
LANDLORD
Sorry, mate. Not my problem.
He leaves. Shrek looks at the stuff and begins collecting the plants up into a little tray.
THE CHURCH. Shrek, with an armful of bags and a tray of plants, pauses at the gate before going in.
NIGHT The lights are still on in the church.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. An alarm clock on the altar rings and Shrek's hand reaches up to switch it off. It's 9.15.
OUTSIDE. Esther arrives on her bike with a big bunch of sunflowers. She goes to open the door but it's locked. Shrek looks up at the sound. Ethel arrives, under a massive floral umbrella.
ETHEL
Locked? At this time?
She puts the umbrella down.
ETHEL (threateningly)
Where's Clifford?
Shrek gathers up his stuff and runs for the vestry while Ethel hammers on the door. He scurries down the central passageway and opens the door. Ethel shoves her way past him.
ETHEL
About time too!
He comes out.
ESTHER
Morning, Clifford. Everything alright?
He glances at her over his shoulder as he scurries down the path. Esther goes in. Ethel strides down the central passageway, flowers in hand.
ETHEL
I have a meeting with Reverend B. I'll leave you to handle the flower rotas.
She gives the flowers to Esther.
ETHEL
Try not to turn us into a circus while I'm gone.
She bows to the altar, then goes on. Esther stops, alone in the church, looks at the bunch of flowers in each hand and then lays them down on the edge of the platform. She looks around the empty church, then she sings, softly, to herself at first, but getting louder. The alarm clock is still on the altar and Jakes comes into focus behind her.
JAKE
So what do you reckon?
Esther turns quickly.
JAKE
The committee's line on overnight guests? Off-piste?
ESTHER
Definitely.
JAKE
That's a shame.
He points to the alarm clock.
Jake emerges from the vestry, a blanket over one arm, a pile of CDs in the other hand.
JAKE
And I found these.
ESTHER
Who could it be?
JAKE
Someone with a serious crush on Pavarotti.
Esther examines the CD and they both laugh.
ESTHER
So - what you gonna do?
JAKE
I'll keep a lid on it. I mean, there's no point in alerting Stormtrooper Tonks. But let's both keep our eyes open, yeah?
ESTHER
Sure.
Jake looks up as Layla comes in.
LAYLA
Oh. Um...sorry to interrupt. Can you spare a minute? It's sort of urgent.
Jake nods.
LAYLA
Sorry.
ESTHER
I'll catch you later.
Jake raises a hand as she goes. He picks up the blanket and Layla steps closer.
LAYLA
Aren't you going to offer me absolution?
JAKE
For which particular sin?
LAYLA
Don't be like that. Horrible things do happen. Marriages break up-
She strokes his shoulders.
JAKE
Families get wrecked, people get hurt. But hey, none of it's ever your fault.
LAYLA
Why are you so mean to me?
JAKE
Why are you here?
LAYLA
Because you are.
She tries to trace a finger along his jaw, but he turns his head away and goes into the vestry.
JAKE
I told you not to come after me.
LAYLA
Well, you're starting over. Why can't I?
Jake puts the blanket down and returns with a broom and bucket.
LAYLA
I have to be here, Jake. I have to be where you are.
JAKE
Layla, get it! This, for me, is a major deal. And I can't have you jeopardise it.
LAYLA
You don't want me in your life?
JAKE
Why would I!
LAYLA
Because I could help you fit in. I could make sure people only know good things about you.
JAKE
On the other hand, you could really screw things up. Hey, that'd be a first.
LAYLA
You can't just reinvent yourself!
JAKE
Says who?
LAYLA
If people were to hear some of those dirty little secrets...
JAKE
I have nothing to be ashamed of. Can you say the same?
He picks up his broom and leaves.
ALLOTMENT. Shrek is gardening and singing to a CD at the same time as Esther approaches.
ESTHER
That's dedication.
Shrek switches the music off.
SHREK
I have to. I get a bit - thingy - when I don't know it.
ESTHER
Nervous?
SHREK
Then I whatsit.
ESTHER
Panic?
SHREK
And people get - you know?
ESTHER
Impatient.
She laughs.
ESTHER
And you never get bored.
SHREK
No.
He cuts off some flowers and hands them to her.
ESTHER
Thank you.
SHREK
I love it. I love it more than anything. If I can't sing, it's like I'm -
ESTHER
Only half alive.
SHREK
Yes. How do you know that?
She smiles. Shrek goes back to his gardening.
ESTHER
You haven't seen anyone hanging the church, someone you don't know?
SHREK (nervous)
No. Why?
ESTHER
Well, it's just we think someone might have been....
SHREK
What? In there?
ESTHER
Yeah. But if you haven't noticed anything..
SHREK
No. Nothing.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. Esther comes in, still holding Shrek's flowers. Jake is wandering around with buckets of cleaning stuff.
JAKE
Sorry about that.
ESTHER
Hm?
JAKE
I wasn't expecting a spiritual crisis.
ESTHER
Oh.
JAKE
Must have been a bit tricky for you.
ESTHER
And for her.
JAKE
That's very magnanimous.
ESTHER
Well, Michael is pretty gorgeous. In her shoes, I might have done the same. The way I see it, we must have been getting something wrong. People don't just up and leave.
JAKE
They might. If the other person's determined enough. All I'm saying is, some people are pretty hard to resist.
TOWN. Layla meets Michael outside a shop. They kiss.
LAYLA
Now then. We're gonna take ten years off you.
MICHAEL
Whatever you say.
LAYLA
So guess who I just saw?
They go into the shop.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Jake is scrubbing the graffitti with a broom. Esther watches.
ESTHER
I wasn't always this feeble.
Jake stops scrubbing and frowns at her.
JAKE
Is that how you see yourself?
ESTHER
When Michael and I met, I was out there. Bolshy little whizzkid, rising star of the English department.
JAKE
And then?
ESTHER
I married my tutor.
JAKE
Bummer.
He throws her a scrubbing brush which she catches.
ESTHER
Had kids. And then I got sort of, um...
She dips the brush in the water.
ESTHER
Bogged down.
She starts scrubbing.
JAKE
And him?
ESTHER
Oh, he sort of expanded and... God, maybe that's why he left. He got bigger... and I got too small.
Jake thinks about this.
SHOP. Layla is watching while Michael tries things on, her arms wrapped around her knees.
LAYLA
She made me feel small.
MICHAEL
What did she say to you?
LAYLA
Nothing. She didn't need to. Fact that she's your wife says it all. She's your wife. I'm just your bit on the side.
MICHAEL
Not true.
LAYLA
Every which way, she has the upper hand. Legally, morally - and the Music Fest. With her choir.
MICHAEL
That wasn't a choir.
LAYLA
Beaten by a makeshift little pop group.
She chuckles awkwardly.
LAYLA
That can't happen ever again, can it? If we're serious, really serious about our choir, the finals, surely we have to be a bit more...
MICHAEL
What?
LAYLA
Selective?
CHOIR PRACTICE.
PHOEBE (outraged)
Audition? For our own choir?
NEMANJA
You want us to sing for our places?
GILBERT
Excellent idea.
MONICA
But we're not that sort of choir.
PHOEBE
We've never done auditions.
LAYLA
Maybe that's why you've never won anything?
ETHEL
Those who deserve to be here will have nothing to fear. When do we start?
AUDITIONS. Ethel is first up. Then Georgia, Sofija, Layla, Phoebe. Nemanja. Gilbert. Then it's Shrek's turn. Michael raises a hand to bring him in and Shrek panics and fails to come in.
SHREK
For - for...
Michael signals to Monica to stop playing.
MICHAEL
Is there a problem?
SHREK
No. Yes. Thingy. I'm a bit er... you know.
MICHAEL
Binsey? When you're ready.
She starts playing again. Michael brings in Shrek and again he fails to start. Monica stops.
SHREK
I'm sorry. Sorry. I can't. I just get... too...
Michael comes to stand next to him and Shrek closes the book and goes.
MICHAEL
Moving on.
CHOIR. The choir is gathered. Michael stands at the front, arms crossed.
MICHAEL
Eustace. Margaret B. Clive. Nemanja.
Sofija takes hold of Nemanja's arm and smiles at him.
MICHAEL
Ethel. Gilbert. Louise. Layla. Georgia. These people have performed above and beyond the required standard. As for the rest, I invite you to take a long hard look at yourselves, knowing that we're going for the big one here, knowing that's that's likely to require more than some of you will be able to give.
THE PUB. Louise, Nemanja, Shrek, Sofija, Monica and Phoebe are sitting around a table in silence. Sofija sips her wine.
PHOEBE
Is he saying I should leave?
MONICA
I don't think anyone should be made to leave.
SHREK
I won't. I can do it. I can sing. Just... not when I have to.. thingy. On my own. In front of people.
Layla and Michael come in.
MICHAEL
White wine?
LAYLA
Oh, yes please. Large one.
She approaches the table.
LAYLA
What's all this? Meeting up after school?
She giggles.
MONICA
We don't usually. But-
SOFIJA
After tonight's choir practise, some of us felt-
PHOEBE
We didn't... do ourselves justice.
MONICA
They're wondering which way to go.
LAYLA
Oh, that's brilliant. No, I just think we should all be big enough to just admit it if we're not up to the mark. There's nothing to be ashamed of, just because we don't have what's required or if we don't really... fit in.
Shrek gets up and goes to the bar. Michael, going to the table with drinks, doesn't see him. Layla gives him a pointed look and Michael reluctantly goes back.
MICHAEL
So, um... how do you think it went? The audition?
SHREK
I don't know. Not great?
MICHAEL
Not great. I feel for you, I really do. I see how painful it is when you're put on the spot and asked to perform.
SHREK
But it's not-
MICHAEL
And now we're looking to move up a gear, I'm wondering... is it right, to put you under so much pressure?
SHREK
Well-
MICHAEL
Singing should be a pleasure and if it's making you anxious, how can it be?
SHREK
But it's not. Not always. I can sing.
MICHAEL
And you should. Of course you should! But in a less pressured way, maybe.
Shrek nods.
MICHAEL
Somewhere you're not so exposed. The bath. At home.
Shrek's face falls.
SHREK
You mean - don't... don't be in the choir?
MICHAEL
I just worry, knowing where we're headed, the stress would be too much for you.
He taps him on the shoulder and goes back to the table. He drinks his whiskey, Layla gets up and they leave.
LAYLA
Was it awful?
MICHAEL
Of course it was awful.
The others look at each other, then all turn at once to look at Shrek.
ESTHER'S KITCHEN. Olive, Phoebe and JIMMY are all there with Esther.
ESTHER
He sacked Shrek?
PHOEBE
Well, if the face don't fit...
OLIVE
Yeah, well, it's her again. She's never liked him.
PHOEBE
Meanwhile, the rest of us have been left to "consider our position".
Fred comes in. Olive comes over to the counter, where Esther is putting her shopping away.
OLIVE
And if they don't get themselves up to scratch...!
ESTHER
Woah! You can't jump ship!
JIMMY
You're not hearing them, love, they're being pushed.
ESTHER
No, look. I'm sorry things are tough, but you shouldn't overreact. Seriously, hang in there. Michael's a good conductor, he just wants you to do your best.
OLIVE
No, that's not *just* what he wants.
ESTHER (suspicious)
What's going on? Why are you here?
OLIVE
I thought you might like...
She turns and Phoebe waves.
OLIVE
Another recruit.
ESTHER
For what?
OLIVE
Our new choir.
ESTHER
There is no new choir!
OLIVE
Well, there could be!
ESTHER
There couldn't. Last week was a one off. Right now, all I've got headspace for is my home and my kids.
OLIVE
And your kids love the choir.
JIMMY
And so do we.
ESTHER
Will you stop, please? Hear me. I'm done, seriously. I have nothing more to give.
FRED (mouthful of sandwich)
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Some dude rang from church. Uh.. Bart somebody.
ESTHER
Who?
FRED
Barton? James?
ESTHER
Jake?
FRED
I think he said it was urgent.
Esther rolls her eyes.
IN CHURCH - NIGHT. It's dark and Shrek is singing to the empty church, blankets in his arms. Only the church isn't empty. Jake and Esther come in, lurking in the shadows, listening. Shrek finishes and sits down. Esther and Jake come down the aisle to him.
ESTHER
Clifford? Clifford, it's Esther.
SHREK
Don't call me that. You don't have to be - thingy.
ESTHER
What?
SHREK
Polite. Call me what everyone else does.
ESTHER
But it-
SHREK
You know what they call me. Say it.
ESTHER
Shrek.
SHREK
I don't mind. I like the name. I like the - whatsit. Film.
ESTHER
Your voice... is beautiful.
She sits down next to him.
ESTHER
How could you be asked to leave?
SHREK
I can't... thingy. Do it. When I'm made to. In front of people.
ESTHER
But Michael must realise-
SHREK
And she doesn't like me.
ESTHER
Layla.
SHREK
I scare her. She doesn't want me around. People don't.
ESTHER
What people?
SHREK
Family. Landlord.
ESTHER
Is that why you're living here?
SHREK
I don't mind. I like it here.
Jake looks around sadly.
SHREK
It's not being in t'choir. Not singing. It's what I- I can't. I can't-
He trails off, tears running down his face, shaking his head.
ESTHER
You know, Michael probably doesn't realise what an extraordinary voice you have. Because in choir, when we're all singing together, it's hard to tell. If you were to go to Michael, sing for him and ask him to give you another chance.
SHREK
But what if he won't let me?
ESTHER
You make him let you.
SHREK
How?
ESTHER
Just do it!
Jake smiles, proud.
ESTHER
Just, get out there and show him what you can do.
Shrek starts smiling. They both chuckle.
CHURCH - DAYTIME. Ethel, Gilbert and Louise are confronting REVEREND BARTICLE while Esther and Jake stand at the other side.
ETHEL
Unbelievable!
GILBERT
Turning the Temple of the Lord into a dosshouse!
ETHEL
And we don't know the full story, he could have been given every opportunity to move out.
LOUISE
And obviously, we're not insured for residential use.
Reverend Barticle looks from one to another.
ESTHER
No one's suggesting that he lives here permanently.
JAKE
I've offered him a bed at mine but he reckons that this is the closest thing to home.
ETHEL
I think we have to be cruel to be kind. My vote would be to tell him kindly but... firmly-
GILBERT
To be on his way, yeah.
REVEREND BARTICLE
And where *exactly* is he now?
TIMBER WHARF. Shrek stands outside, looking up and starts singing. On the running machine, Layla hears singing and goes to see who it is. She looks terrified at the sight of Shrek singing up at her. She slams the door closed but he just sings louder. When there's no response, he carries on. Michael comes out the front door.
MICHAEL
Is this your idea of a joke?
SHREK
What? No, no. I just wanted to show you I-
MICHAEL
Stalking people! Forcing your attentions on them!
SHREK
I wanted you to hear me thingy. Thing!
MICHAEL
It's too much! *You're* too much! Don't you understand? She's terrified of you!
SHREK
I just want to come back to the choir.
MICHAEL
How on Earth could you think *this* would change my mind? Go home, Clifford.
SHREK
No, I-
MICHAEL
*Surely* you can see I couldn't *possibly* allow you back now.
He storms off, leaving Shrek dumbfounded.
ESTHER'S KITCHEN. The kids are sitting around the table, Esther leans on the cooker and Olive is also there.
ESTHER
Oh my God. That's my fault.
GEORGIA
How?
ESTHER
I told him - I suggested he should sing.
GEORGIA
Outside Dad and Layla's?
ESTHER
I said he should show him what he's capable of.
GEORGIA
Good move.
ESTHER
Well, there must have been some misunderstanding. Your dad would never be so harsh.
FRED
Oh yeah, he was. Apparently old durrbrain was crying his eyes out. "I don't know- whatsit - thingy!"
ESTHER
Fred!
Georgia throws a cloth at him.
ESTHER
This is all my fault.
GEORGIA
No, it's Dad's. He sacked the guy.
ESTHER
Well, he must have had his reasons.
GEORGIA
You're still defending him?
ESTHER
No, I- I-
GEORGIA
Wise up, will you? Dad does shit things sometimes. He's selfish. He walks all over people!
ESTHER
Not intentionally.
GEORGIA
How can you say that?
ESTHER
Georgia, he's not a bad person.
GEORGIA
What's it gonna take for you to get it? Ok. I'm out of here. You wanna play doormat? Fine. Just don't ask me to sit here and watch.
ESTHER
Where are you going?
GEORGIA
To Dad and Layla's. To live.
She storms out.
TIMBER WHARF. Esther's car pulls up and Georgia grumpily undoes her seatbelt.
ESTHER
I just wanted to make sure you got here safely.
GEORGIA
Unbelievable.
ESTHER
What?
GEORGIA
Don't you ever fight back?
She gets out and slams the door. Esther watches as Michael and Layla come out and Layla envelopes her in a big hug. They all go in, Michael's arms around Georgia. There's a knock on the car window. Esther looks round as Jake opens the door.
ESTHER
What are you doing here?
JAKE
I'm looking for Shrek. He's not come back tonight.
NIGHT. Esther and Jake drive around in the dark.
ESTHER
He could be anywhere. How?! How could we let this happen?!
She turns left.
ESTHER
There. Over there. Is that him?
She pulls over and they both run to a bench but the lump on it is just a pile of rubbish bags.
ESTHER
I thought - I thought it was-
Jake sighs.
ESTHER
This can't keep happening.
JAKE
What?
ESTHER
We can't just sit by and watch people get walked on. And made to feel small and lose the things that mean most to them in all the world.
JAKE
We are talking about Shrek here, right?
ESTHER
And Olive. And Phoebe, and all the people getting kicked out the choir. And those who can't get into the church because it's so bloody precious and elitist!
JAKE
And meanwhile Georgia's gone to live with her dad.
ESTHER
Yeah.
JAKE
Well, is that why you want to adopt Shrek?
ESTHER
No! No! That's not it. I can't not care. When I see someone struggling, when people are treated unfairly and when they need-
Jake laughs.
ESTHER
What?
JAKE
Someone else who wants to save the world.
ESTHER
No, I wouldn't be so arrogant! But if I did, if I wanted to make a difference, in small ways, why would that be funny?
Jake thinks about not answering this for a second.
JAKE
The bloke who got me into all of this, my best mate - he's dead now, but... but he had this tattoo. So when he died, I got one too.
He pulls up his sleeve to reveal writing down the inside of his left forearm. Esther looks at it.
JAKE
"He who saves one life, saves the world entire". Ok? So let's go and save the world.
IN CHURCH. They're all confronting Reverend Barticle again.
GILBERT
Well, I think I speak for us all-
JAKE (firmly)
Nope.
GILBERT
-when I say we regret the need to exclude Clifford from the choir but threatening behaviour towards a soprano!
ESTHER (mildly)
Shrek? He was singing. Since when does that constitute a threat?
JAKE
And how about the fact that he's homeless and pretty damn desperate? Do we regret that as well?
ETHEL
I'm not sure why we should feel responsible for him.
JAKE
Oh, let me think. Um.... oh yeah, because we profess to be decent human beings.
ESTHER
Because he's our caretaker and it wouldn't cost us to show a little care for him.
REVEREND BARTICLE
Although, at present, nobody actually knows where he is.
ETHEL
Though on a positive note, at least that solves the problem of this place.
ESTHER
Actually, it doesn't. The problem of this place is that it's irrelevant.
Jake grins.
ETHEL
I beg your pardon?
ESTHER
Well, it's worse than that. It's useless. If it can't even offer a roof for someone who's having a tough time.
REVEREND BARTICLE
And you think that's its purpose?
JAKE
Yeah, actually.
ETHEL
Extraordinary.
JAKE
Seriously, if not a refuge, a safe haven, a meeting place, then what's the point? Guys, come on! Is this the best we can do with it? We have a building here which currently caters for the needs of about eight people. There's often more in the choir than in the congregation! How does that serve anyone?
REVEREND BARTICLE
So... what do you suggest?
Jake beams. Ethel scoffs.
A PARK. Shrek sits on a bench.
THE CHURCH. Jake goes outside with a ladder and sets it up in front of the notice board. Louise sees and calls in through the open door.
LOUISE
Ethel!
Ethel comes out, followed by Gilbert and they watch as Jake puts up a poster and goes back in, pausing on the steps to watch their reaction.
ETHEL
"Available to use"
GILBERT
"For times and conditions, see Jake Barton or Esther Caddick." Well, this is a sorry day.
IN TOWN. Esther cycles through a square
THE PARK. Kyle, hands in pockets, comes across Shrek sleeping on the bench. He sits down on the other end and starts singing. Shrek opens his eyes and looks at him. Shrek echoes him. He sits up and gradually, the singing comes together. Kyle stands up and leaves without even looking at him.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Esther cycles in through the gate. On the gatepost is another "available to use" notice. She parks her bike and goes in, to find Jake sitting cross-legged on the floor, talking to a woman and her young daughter.
JAKE
Thank you very much. Cheers. See you later. Bye-bye.
He looks up as Esther comes towards him.
JAKE
Look at that!
He holds up a clipboard. There's a brightly coloured timetable on it.
JAKE
First week almost fully booked. Mothers & Toddlers, Keep Fit, Yogic Flyers-
ESTHER
You've gone over the heads of the committee?
JAKE
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
ESTHER
Or just taken it out of their hands?
JAKE
Totally.
He looks up at her.
ESTHER
Why's my name out there?
JAKE
It was your idea!
ESTHER
No!
JAKE
Yes! Yours and mine. You said you wanted this place open and accessible and available to everyone.
ESTHER
Yes, in principle. I didn't say I wanted to be practically involved.
JAKE
So you're all mouth and no action?
She huffs but sits down too. The door at the far end opens.
JESS
Hi. Excuse me, Jake?
JAKE
Jess! Yes, strings want to book a rehearsal space. Give me two minutes.
He leans forward towards Esther.
JAKE
See, there's plenty of space for everyone.
ESTHER
Except Shrek. We still don't know where he is. Probably never show his face in here again and who can blame him?
JAKE
Well, you could get him back.
ESTHER
Me?
JAKE
He loves singing, doesn't he? So give him something to come back for.
He puts the pen in his mouth, gets to his feet and goes to see Jess, leaving Esther open-mouthed.
OUT AND ABOUT. Jake sticks up "All the Small Things" posters. Ethel stops to read one.
CHURCH. Jake and Esther unload equipment from a car.
OUT AND ABOUT. Ethel rips the poster down and tears it up.
THE PARK. Kyle crosses the grass, a poster in his hands.
CHURCH. Fred and Jimmy are unloading too.
THE PARK. Kyle tucks the poster under Shrek's arm.
CHURCH. The Tonkses arrive to see equipment being carried into the church.
THE PARK. Shrek sits up and reads the poster. He sees Kyle walking away.
CHURCH. The Tonkses watch a procession of people carrying things into the church. Inside, they're all setting up, Esther overseeing. Jake leans on the pulpit, arms crossed, looking dreamy. Esther holds up crossed fingers to him and he smiles.
THE PARK. Shrek contemplates the poster.
CHURCH.
FRED
You said we had a rehearsal space booked.
ESTHER
Yeah.
FRED
For All the "Small" Things.
ESTHER
Well, I guess All the Small Things just got bigger.
FRED
But why them?
He looks at a collection of teenage girls lounging in the pews.
FRED
All they do is yap and drool over Kyle.
ESTHER
Well, I guess they saw the posters.
FRED
What is this, some kind of drop-in for all the fossils, freaks and losers?
ESTHER
Probably.
CHURCH STUDY. The Tonkses and Louise take tea with Reverend Barticle. Shrek's alarm clock in on his desk, almost lost amongst the books. Ethel brushes a speck of non-existent dust from her husband's blazer.
REVEREND BARTICLE
I'm afraid I ... I don't quite understand your request.
ETHEL
It's quite straightforward, Reverend. You bow to the wishes of your congregation
GILBERT
And have the disruptive influence removed.
CHURCH. Esther claps her hands.
ESTHER
Umm... I wonder if I could have everyone's attention? Welcome, everyone, to our very first open house sing-song. It's probably a totally mad idea, but hey, we've got the space so let's give it a go. Those of you who are used to following a score-
She shepherds everyone up to the front.
ESTHER
-Olive, Phoebe, might be a bit freaked out by what I'm gonna suggest. Some of you might not know this first song but the good news is, that's the point. There's no right and wrong, the idea is to just sing along and see where it takes us.
She points to Monica who starts playing the organ.
ESTHER
Kyle? Would you?
The girls giggle.
ESTHER
Grace?
GRACE (at the drums)
Yeah.
ESTHER
Fred? You up for it?
FRED
As if.
ESTHER
Anyone else fancy trying their hand at bass?
All the girls leap to their feet. Fred picks it up and Esther smiles.
ESTHER
Just go along. Just go with it!
People bounce around as the music starts. Kyle steps up to the microphone and starts singing. Esther scurries over to Jimmy.
ESTHER
I'll bring you in, just watch me.
She hurries back to the front. Esther conducts. No one really knows what they're doing but they make it up and gradually it falls into place. Behind Esther, the outer door opens. Then the inner one does and Jake looks up as Shrek comes in. Esther turns to see what he's looking at and smiles.
ESTHER
Come on. Come on!
Shyly, Shrek comes up. Esther holds up her fingers in an "ok" gesture to Jake, who returns it. Esther turns and conducts Shrek who sings out loud, then comes up to sing along at the front with Kyle. The door opens again and the Tonkses, Louise, Michael, Layla and Georgia come in. The music stops.
ETHEL
I'm speechless.
JAKE
Result.
They come down the passageway, Ethel slamming closed two open pew doors. Jake descends from the pulpit to stand at the front of the band with Esther.
GILBERT
Your behaviour is unacceptable.
JAKE
To whom?
ETHEL (furious)
This is a House of God, not a refuge for second-rate musicians.
JAKE
Well, you're more than welcome to join in and up the standard.
GILBERT
Oh, don't attempt to be smart, laddie. Your position here is extremely precarious.
JAKE
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
MICHAEL (to Esther)
You're upping your profile, I notice. Name on the door?
LOUISE
Forming your own choir?
GILBERT
What? These rags and tatters?
ESTHER
What did you say?
GILBERT
Well, you've got to be desperate to get involved with them.
MICHAEL
This isn't a choir, for God's sake. Esther, you're not stupid. You know your limitations. Not to mention theirs.
Esther steps back, further into her choir.
ESTHER
I'm not sure that the word "limitation" fits. For me, or any of my friends. Any more than what happened at the Music Fest was... "undignified" or "inappropriate". Actually, it was pretty bloody brilliant.
OLIVE/PHOEBE
Hear, hear.
ESTHER
So if you don't mind, we'd like to continue with our rehearsal.
Behind Michael, Georgia is smiling.
MICHAEL
Esther-
ESTHER
Please feel free to stay and join in.
She steps back down to face the choir.
ESTHER
Right. Where were we? Grace?
They start up. The others leave, Ethel and Georgia last, and by now the choir have got the hang of Swing, Swing. It sounds great.
All The Small Things - Episode Two
All The Small Things - Episode Two
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. MICHAEL's choir sings in the background as ESTHER cycles up the church, intercut with choir practice. As Esther comes up by the side door, SHREK steps out in front of her. Esther skids to a stop with a shriek.
ESTHER
God!
SHREK
Sorry! Sorry. I didn't mean-
ESTHER
Shouldn't you be in choir practisc?
She parks her bike.
SHREK
No. Yes... I'm a bit-
ESTHER
Late? Yes, nearly over.
SHREK
No. Thingy. Nervous.
ESTHER
Of what?
SHREK
Him.
ESTHER
Michael?
SHREK
We're in t'doghouse.
ESTHER
For what?
SHREK
Losing the... whatsit.
ESTHER
The music fest?
SHREK
No, I don't wanna sing in case I get it... wrong
ESTHER
That's what rehearsals are for.
Shrek shakes his head.
ESTHER
It is! Now you go in there and sing!
Shrek goes to the door, pauses and looks back at Esther.
ESTHER
Go on!
Shrek goes in and Esther crosses her arms.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. Shrek scurries up the central passageway and takes his place amongst the choir. Michael looks pointedly at his watch.
MICHAEL
Watch me. Oh, guys, come on, come one, come on! Watch me!
The choir trails off.
MICHAEL
Watch me. It's not hard.
The choir takes their seats again.
MICHAEL
Tenors, um... could you sound less like you're being strangled? Basses, where the hell were you wandering off to, sopranos there was only one voice hitting top A-
He gestures to LAYLA
MICHAEL
Oh, God, no wonder we lost the Music Fest.
He steps down, rubbing his hands together briskly.
MICHAEL
Ok, here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna wipe that fiasco from our memories-
GILBERT
Excellent plan.
MICHAEL
As if it never happened.
LOUISE
Bravo.
He takes an envelope from his jacket and holds it up.
MICHAEL
Any idea what this is?
PHOEBE
...tickets to Venice?
Michael looks at her. LOUISE gasps.
MICHAEL
This is an entry form for the North West Choral Heats. Now, despite last week's debacle, my faith remains miraculously intact but this is a massive step up for us, guys. The fun and games have to stop. From here on, it gets serious.
Shrek looks worried.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Esther is still standing there next to her bike, arms crossed.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. Choir practice is over. MONICA collects her music from the keyboard and hands it to Shrek.
MONICA
Chin up. We'll get there.
SHREK
No. It's not like him to get whatsit.
PHOEBE
Arsey? Shouty?
SHREK
Thingied at me.
He makes a pointedly cross face.
SHREK
He never used to. Never.
PHOEBE
Well, we know who to thank.
SOFIJA puts on her coat. Monica bends down to PHOEBE.
MONICA
Madame Butterfly?
Sofija laughs.
PHOEBE
No. Esther. For beating him. Now he's got something to prove.
MONICA
Well, Madame certainly has.
SOFIJA
I don't know, I think she's a little- how do you say? - full of herself.
PHOEBE
Full of something...
She sings in a deliberately high-pitched warbling voice. Giggling, Monica puts a hand over her mouth. Still laughing, they stand up and leave. Layla comes back into the church in time to hear them laughing at her. She walks down the central passageway. Shrek hurries after her.
SHREK
You've got a lovely thingy.
Layla stops.
LAYLA
What?
SHREK
It's beautiful.
LAYLA
Sorry?
SHREK (patting his chest)
Your whatsamacallit.
Layla holds up her hands to try and fend him off. GILBERT strides down.
GILBERT
That'll do, Clifford. Don't be pestering the young lady.
ETHEL joins him.
SHREK
I meant - voice.
GILBERT
Off you trot now.
Shrek leaves.
LAYLA
Thank you. I didn't quite know what to - he's a bit overwhelming. What did you make of tonight?
GILBERT
Er - shambolic. Painful.
ETHEL
What do you expect of a non-auditioned choir?
LAYLA
Seriously, no auditions? I thought that was a joke.
GILBERT
Oh no, any old tone-deaf wailer can turn up and ruin it for the rest of us.
Behind them, Shrek is putting chairs away.
LAYLA
But that's awful, for the real singers. And for Michael, he puts so much into it! And the choir has so much potential. We could go all the way.
ETHEL
If the right people are involved.
GILBERT
And the rest?
He and Ethel look pointedly at Shrek. Layla turns and looks too.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Michael puts something in his car and turns to go back to the church for me when he sees Esther standing in front of him. They look at each other in awkward silence for a minute.
ESTHER
Why aren't you answering your phone?
MICHAEL
Been up to my eyes in... what's going on.
ESTHER
Kyle's been asking for you. He doesn't understand why you're not at home.
MICHAEL
Can't you explain it to him?
ESTHER
Barely explain it to myself. Look, the Music Fest thing. I did it for the kids. Wasn't meant to upset you or challenge you, or-
MICHAEL
It wasn't a challenge. Unless you were thinking of repeating it?
Esther half-laughs.
ESTHER
Of course, no.
MICHAEL
Shall we just draw a line under the whole painful episode?
Esther nods.
MICHAEL
Tell the boys it's been difficult to know what to say, given how things have...
People appear blurrily over Esther's shoulder.
MICHAEL
Look, Esther. There's something I should-
But he's distracted by the people behind her. It's Layla and GEORGIA.
MICHAEL
I'll be in touch.
He turns and goes back to the car. Esther turns and sees them coming. Layla gives her a smile which Esther ignores.
LAYLA
Would you like me to drive?
MICHAEL (giving her the keys)
Sure. Why not?
Georgia stops by Esther.
GEORGIA
He's told you then.
Esther looks at her.
GEORGIA
That he's moved in with her.
Esther watches as they drive away.
GEORGIA
Guessing not.
ESTHER
Moving on.
GEORGIA
That was pretty quick.
ESTHER
What do you expect me to do?
GEORGIA
Fall apart?
ESTHER
I have three kids and a home to run. I don't have the luxury of falling apart.
A MODERN GLASS BLOCK OF FLATS, TIMBER WHARF. Layla and Michael dance in their minimalist flat. He lays her down on a sofa and kisses her neck.
LAYLA (writhing)
Say... say this is the happiest day of your life.
He kisses her forehead and moves away to sit at the other end of the sofa.
MICHAEL
Maybe I should call the boys.
LAYLA
Why?
MICHAEL
Cause they're my kids. I keep putting it off.
LAYLA
Why?
MICHAEL
Because I don't know what to say.
LAYLA
You could invite them round. Wouldn't they like to see your new home?
MICHAEL
I somehow doubt it.
LAYLA
So... I was wondering...how far you wanna go.
Michael looks at her speculatively.
LAYLA (giggling)
With the choir.
MICHAEL
North West Finals.
Layla sits up, legs across his lap, excited.
LAYLA
Do you really think that's a goer?
MICHAEL
They're not that bad!
LAYLA (interspersed with kissing Michael)
God, no. They're - enthusiastic - loud - out of tune, sometimes.
MICHAEL
True.
LAYLA
Eccentric.
MICHAEL
No question.
LAYLA
In some cases, downright strange.
MICHAEL
Oh, you mean old Shrek? No, he's harmless enough.
LAYLA
To be honest, I find him quite scary.
MICHAEL
Really?
LAYLA
Mm. Always hanging around, in the vestry, by the church.
MICHAEL
It's his job.
LAYLA
But whenever I'm there? Something about him - I just don't feel safe.
Michael wraps his arms around her.
ON THE STREET
Shrek, walking down the street, comes across KYLE at a bus stop, earphones in and singing. When he stops, Shrek and the other women waiting for the bus burst into applause. Kyle pulls out his earphones, looking astonished. GRACIE appears.
SHREK
Don't stop, that was just-
Gracie takes off her hat and hands it round. Shrek and the women drop money in it.
GRACIE
Merci. Cheers. Nice one. Thank you. Ta. (to Kyle) You coming?
KYLE
Where?
GRACIE
Split a cookie. Eat, cafe. We just made two quid. Come on!
She leads Kyle away, turning back to grin at Shrek.
SHREK'S HOUSE
Shrek wanders around, spraying thousands of plants with a mister, singing along to a CD at the top of his powerful voice. The doorbell rings. Shrek hardly seems to hear it. It rings again.
SHOUTING
Clifford! I know you're in there! Clifford!
Shrek goes out to the balcony. His landlord is on the pavement below, brandishing an envelope.
LANDLORD
You know what this is? An eviction notice! You've had enough warning!
SHREK
But I- whatsit!
LANDLORD
You've got till six.
SHREK
But - I thingied! I paid!
THE CHURCH. Esther, cycling up the path, nearly runs over OLIVE.
OLIVE
No prizes for it, Mrs Busy-busy-brave-face-bollocks.
ESTHER
Olive, if I stopped to think, you'd be scraping me off the pavement.
Louise comes up, her arms full of boxes, grinning.
LOUISE
Guess who's entering the North West Chorals?
ESTHER
Great! Best of luck.
OLIVE
Maybe we'll have a crack, after our triumph at the Music Fest.
Louise's grin fades.
ESTHER
Not me. I go red just thinking about my performance.
Louise laughs.
LOUISE
Don't we all?
She goes in. Esther walks off, Olive following.
OLIVE
What about Kyle's performance, what about Fred's?
ESTHER
They were great, obviously.
OLIVE
We were all great, so why not carry on, All The Small Things rides again.
ESTHER
There is no "All The Small Things", it was a one-off.
OLIVE
Yeah, but the-
ESTHER
People want to sing, they can join Michael's choir.
IN THE CHURCH
ETHEL (rustling papers)
Well, I think that concludes the meeting.
ESTHER
Er, no. Just a couple more items.
ETHEL
Indeed. I must confess, since you resigned from the choir, I'm surprised you've elected to remain on the church committee.
OLIVE
Thank God she has.
MONICA
Hear, hear.
LOUISE
I just think it's so brave of you. If I had been dumped for a younger woman, I would not be able to show my face.
ESTHER
Well, perhaps I'm just thick-skinned.
LOUISE
You're lucky. I'm way too sensitive.
ETHEL
So, these other items.
ESTHER
A request from the Ashworth Lane Mother & Toddler group-
Ethel rolls her eyes.
ESTHER
-asking if they can use the church one morning a week.
ETHEL
And these are women who don't appear on Sunday from one decade to the next. Declined.
Esther writes it down.
ESTHER
The String Quartet are still looking for somewhere to practise.
ETHEL
The House of God is not a rehearsal room.
Esther writes this down too.
ESTHER
And the Hattersley Meditation and Yogic Flying Society-
ETHEL
If there are no further *sensible* items, can I draw your attention to our new church domestic? Sofija!
Sofija appears.
ETHEL (with gestures to express her meaning)
You may *serve* *coffee* now.
Sofija smiles and goes to get it. Ethel raises her hands smugly.
THE BACK ROOM
People are gathered around at tables. Sofija is handing out coffee at one, Esther pours herself a cup from an urn. JAKE sees her and comes over. He takes a cup from her and sips it - struggles to swallow it, holds it at arm's length and makes a disgusted noise.
JAKE
Is there a pact within the Church of England that all coffee has to taste like camel shit?
He puts the cup down.
JAKE
Hey. How about we raid the collection and buy ourselves an espresso machine?
ESTHER
I don't think they're ready for a revolution.
JAKE
Well, they liked your revolution. The Music Fest last week?
ESTHER
Oh, actually they hated it. Well, the Old Guard anyway. The only reason we won was your casting vote.
JAKE
You were the best, end of.
ESTHER
Well, it's odd you should say that because to quote my estranged husband, I was "embarrassing" and "inappropriate".
JAKE
Well, here's to inappropriate.
He goes back to the food at Sofija's table, turning to grin at Esther over his shoulder.
INSIDE THE CHURCH
Michael's choir sings, all except Shrek. It doesn't sound good.
MICHAEL
No! No! No! No! Where are people looking?! What are people thinking, what are we doing? Why are we here? Seriously, why? What is the point of this choir?
PHOEBE
A good laugh! A real good sing-song!
Michael glares at her and Ethel mutters something under her breath at her.
AFTER REHEARSAL. Phoebe, Sofija and NEMANJA leave together.
PHOEBE
Wrong answer, apparently.
Louise scurries up behind them.
LOUISE
Rehearsal CDs! For those who need more pratice.
Nemanja walks away.
VESTRY. Layla, coming out, bumps into Shrek.
SHREK
Sorry. Did I make you - thingy?
LAYLA
No, I'm fine, I-
SHREK
I didn't mean to.
LAYLA
What are you doing?
SHREK
I was just -
LAYLA
Hanging around? Waiting for me?
SHREK
No! I'm the whatsit. It's my thingy.
LAYLA
What?!
SHREK
Job! Caretaker. I lock up!
LAYLA
Please, just - just leave it! Ok? Just - leave it.
Michael comes out. He puts an arm around Layla and she clings to him as they walk away together, Michael looking bemused, Layla throwing terrified looks back to Shrek. Michael says something indistinct.
LAYLA
I'm fine, I'm fine. I just need some air.
KYLE'S ROOM. Kyle plays guitar and Grace plays drums. FRED comes in.
FRED
Oi! What's happening?
They stop.
GRACE
He's teaching me something.
FRED
When was this arranged? Why weren't I asked? Ok, here's what. Look, last week was a one-off. We let you play because we were desperate, but don't get any ideas. This is my band.
GRACE
Since when?
FRED
Since the Music Fest which, hello, was all down to me.
GRACE
Not your mum, then?
FRED
Down to me what we play. Down to me we have a band. Down to me who's in the band. So as far as I'm concerned-
KYLE
She's in.
Fred looks gobsmacked. Kyle smiles at Grace and Fred stalks out as the music starts up again. Fred rethinks it, picks up his bass and joins in.
DOWNSTAIRS. Esther is laying the table when Georgia walks in.
ESTHER
How was choir practise?
GEORGIA
Dad spat the dummy. Said we were crap. Which we were, but no more crap than usual.
ESTHER
Well, must have had his reasons.
GEORGIA
Why do you do that?
ESTHER
What?
GEORGIA
Stick up for him when he's pissed all over you.
ESTHER (quietly)
Georgia.
GEORGIA
And you've let him! And now you've give up and you've not even tried to get him back! Well, next time I need lessons in committment, remind me not to come to you!
Esther stops laying the table.
ESTHER
He actually left me.
GEORGIA
Yeah. Yeah, we all know he's a twat. But the only question is, what are you gonna do about it?
Esther just looks at her. Frustrated, Georgia leaves, slamming the door.
SHREK'S HOUSE. When Shrek gets home, there's a new chain and padlock on the door and pulling at it and hitting the door doesn't get it open. Shrek sees all his stuff strewn in the grass. The landlord appears.
SHREK
But I - paid!
LANDLORD
He didn't cash the cheques. He's sold the property. He needs you out.
SHREK
But where will I go?
LANDLORD
You must have family.
SHREK
No!
LANDLORD
Mates.
SHREK
No!
LANDLORD
Sorry, mate. Not my problem.
He leaves. Shrek looks at the stuff and begins collecting the plants up into a little tray.
THE CHURCH. Shrek, with an armful of bags and a tray of plants, pauses at the gate before going in.
NIGHT The lights are still on in the church.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. An alarm clock on the altar rings and Shrek's hand reaches up to switch it off. It's 9.15.
OUTSIDE. Esther arrives on her bike with a big bunch of sunflowers. She goes to open the door but it's locked. Shrek looks up at the sound. Ethel arrives, under a massive floral umbrella.
ETHEL
Locked? At this time?
She puts the umbrella down.
ETHEL (threateningly)
Where's Clifford?
Shrek gathers up his stuff and runs for the vestry while Ethel hammers on the door. He scurries down the central passageway and opens the door. Ethel shoves her way past him.
ETHEL
About time too!
He comes out.
ESTHER
Morning, Clifford. Everything alright?
He glances at her over his shoulder as he scurries down the path. Esther goes in. Ethel strides down the central passageway, flowers in hand.
ETHEL
I have a meeting with Reverend B. I'll leave you to handle the flower rotas.
She gives the flowers to Esther.
ETHEL
Try not to turn us into a circus while I'm gone.
She bows to the altar, then goes on. Esther stops, alone in the church, looks at the bunch of flowers in each hand and then lays them down on the edge of the platform. She looks around the empty church, then she sings, softly, to herself at first, but getting louder. The alarm clock is still on the altar and Jakes comes into focus behind her.
JAKE
So what do you reckon?
Esther turns quickly.
JAKE
The committee's line on overnight guests? Off-piste?
ESTHER
Definitely.
JAKE
That's a shame.
He points to the alarm clock.
Jake emerges from the vestry, a blanket over one arm, a pile of CDs in the other hand.
JAKE
And I found these.
ESTHER
Who could it be?
JAKE
Someone with a serious crush on Pavarotti.
Esther examines the CD and they both laugh.
ESTHER
So - what you gonna do?
JAKE
I'll keep a lid on it. I mean, there's no point in alerting Stormtrooper Tonks. But let's both keep our eyes open, yeah?
ESTHER
Sure.
Jake looks up as Layla comes in.
LAYLA
Oh. Um...sorry to interrupt. Can you spare a minute? It's sort of urgent.
Jake nods.
LAYLA
Sorry.
ESTHER
I'll catch you later.
Jake raises a hand as she goes. He picks up the blanket and Layla steps closer.
LAYLA
Aren't you going to offer me absolution?
JAKE
For which particular sin?
LAYLA
Don't be like that. Horrible things do happen. Marriages break up-
She strokes his shoulders.
JAKE
Families get wrecked, people get hurt. But hey, none of it's ever your fault.
LAYLA
Why are you so mean to me?
JAKE
Why are you here?
LAYLA
Because you are.
She tries to trace a finger along his jaw, but he turns his head away and goes into the vestry.
JAKE
I told you not to come after me.
LAYLA
Well, you're starting over. Why can't I?
Jake puts the blanket down and returns with a broom and bucket.
LAYLA
I have to be here, Jake. I have to be where you are.
JAKE
Layla, get it! This, for me, is a major deal. And I can't have you jeopardise it.
LAYLA
You don't want me in your life?
JAKE
Why would I!
LAYLA
Because I could help you fit in. I could make sure people only know good things about you.
JAKE
On the other hand, you could really screw things up. Hey, that'd be a first.
LAYLA
You can't just reinvent yourself!
JAKE
Says who?
LAYLA
If people were to hear some of those dirty little secrets...
JAKE
I have nothing to be ashamed of. Can you say the same?
He picks up his broom and leaves.
ALLOTMENT. Shrek is gardening and singing to a CD at the same time as Esther approaches.
ESTHER
That's dedication.
Shrek switches the music off.
SHREK
I have to. I get a bit - thingy - when I don't know it.
ESTHER
Nervous?
SHREK
Then I whatsit.
ESTHER
Panic?
SHREK
And people get - you know?
ESTHER
Impatient.
She laughs.
ESTHER
And you never get bored.
SHREK
No.
He cuts off some flowers and hands them to her.
ESTHER
Thank you.
SHREK
I love it. I love it more than anything. If I can't sing, it's like I'm -
ESTHER
Only half alive.
SHREK
Yes. How do you know that?
She smiles. Shrek goes back to his gardening.
ESTHER
You haven't seen anyone hanging the church, someone you don't know?
SHREK (nervous)
No. Why?
ESTHER
Well, it's just we think someone might have been....
SHREK
What? In there?
ESTHER
Yeah. But if you haven't noticed anything..
SHREK
No. Nothing.
INSIDE THE CHURCH. Esther comes in, still holding Shrek's flowers. Jake is wandering around with buckets of cleaning stuff.
JAKE
Sorry about that.
ESTHER
Hm?
JAKE
I wasn't expecting a spiritual crisis.
ESTHER
Oh.
JAKE
Must have been a bit tricky for you.
ESTHER
And for her.
JAKE
That's very magnanimous.
ESTHER
Well, Michael is pretty gorgeous. In her shoes, I might have done the same. The way I see it, we must have been getting something wrong. People don't just up and leave.
JAKE
They might. If the other person's determined enough. All I'm saying is, some people are pretty hard to resist.
TOWN. Layla meets Michael outside a shop. They kiss.
LAYLA
Now then. We're gonna take ten years off you.
MICHAEL
Whatever you say.
LAYLA
So guess who I just saw?
They go into the shop.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Jake is scrubbing the graffitti with a broom. Esther watches.
ESTHER
I wasn't always this feeble.
Jake stops scrubbing and frowns at her.
JAKE
Is that how you see yourself?
ESTHER
When Michael and I met, I was out there. Bolshy little whizzkid, rising star of the English department.
JAKE
And then?
ESTHER
I married my tutor.
JAKE
Bummer.
He throws her a scrubbing brush which she catches.
ESTHER
Had kids. And then I got sort of, um...
She dips the brush in the water.
ESTHER
Bogged down.
She starts scrubbing.
JAKE
And him?
ESTHER
Oh, he sort of expanded and... God, maybe that's why he left. He got bigger... and I got too small.
Jake thinks about this.
SHOP. Layla is watching while Michael tries things on, her arms wrapped around her knees.
LAYLA
She made me feel small.
MICHAEL
What did she say to you?
LAYLA
Nothing. She didn't need to. Fact that she's your wife says it all. She's your wife. I'm just your bit on the side.
MICHAEL
Not true.
LAYLA
Every which way, she has the upper hand. Legally, morally - and the Music Fest. With her choir.
MICHAEL
That wasn't a choir.
LAYLA
Beaten by a makeshift little pop group.
She chuckles awkwardly.
LAYLA
That can't happen ever again, can it? If we're serious, really serious about our choir, the finals, surely we have to be a bit more...
MICHAEL
What?
LAYLA
Selective?
CHOIR PRACTICE.
PHOEBE (outraged)
Audition? For our own choir?
NEMANJA
You want us to sing for our places?
GILBERT
Excellent idea.
MONICA
But we're not that sort of choir.
PHOEBE
We've never done auditions.
LAYLA
Maybe that's why you've never won anything?
ETHEL
Those who deserve to be here will have nothing to fear. When do we start?
AUDITIONS. Ethel is first up. Then Georgia, Sofija, Layla, Phoebe. Nemanja. Gilbert. Then it's Shrek's turn. Michael raises a hand to bring him in and Shrek panics and fails to come in.
SHREK
For - for...
Michael signals to Monica to stop playing.
MICHAEL
Is there a problem?
SHREK
No. Yes. Thingy. I'm a bit er... you know.
MICHAEL
Binsey? When you're ready.
She starts playing again. Michael brings in Shrek and again he fails to start. Monica stops.
SHREK
I'm sorry. Sorry. I can't. I just get... too...
Michael comes to stand next to him and Shrek closes the book and goes.
MICHAEL
Moving on.
CHOIR. The choir is gathered. Michael stands at the front, arms crossed.
MICHAEL
Eustace. Margaret B. Clive. Nemanja.
Sofija takes hold of Nemanja's arm and smiles at him.
MICHAEL
Ethel. Gilbert. Louise. Layla. Georgia. These people have performed above and beyond the required standard. As for the rest, I invite you to take a long hard look at yourselves, knowing that we're going for the big one here, knowing that's that's likely to require more than some of you will be able to give.
THE PUB. Louise, Nemanja, Shrek, Sofija, Monica and Phoebe are sitting around a table in silence. Sofija sips her wine.
PHOEBE
Is he saying I should leave?
MONICA
I don't think anyone should be made to leave.
SHREK
I won't. I can do it. I can sing. Just... not when I have to.. thingy. On my own. In front of people.
Layla and Michael come in.
MICHAEL
White wine?
LAYLA
Oh, yes please. Large one.
She approaches the table.
LAYLA
What's all this? Meeting up after school?
She giggles.
MONICA
We don't usually. But-
SOFIJA
After tonight's choir practise, some of us felt-
PHOEBE
We didn't... do ourselves justice.
MONICA
They're wondering which way to go.
LAYLA
Oh, that's brilliant. No, I just think we should all be big enough to just admit it if we're not up to the mark. There's nothing to be ashamed of, just because we don't have what's required or if we don't really... fit in.
Shrek gets up and goes to the bar. Michael, going to the table with drinks, doesn't see him. Layla gives him a pointed look and Michael reluctantly goes back.
MICHAEL
So, um... how do you think it went? The audition?
SHREK
I don't know. Not great?
MICHAEL
Not great. I feel for you, I really do. I see how painful it is when you're put on the spot and asked to perform.
SHREK
But it's not-
MICHAEL
And now we're looking to move up a gear, I'm wondering... is it right, to put you under so much pressure?
SHREK
Well-
MICHAEL
Singing should be a pleasure and if it's making you anxious, how can it be?
SHREK
But it's not. Not always. I can sing.
MICHAEL
And you should. Of course you should! But in a less pressured way, maybe.
Shrek nods.
MICHAEL
Somewhere you're not so exposed. The bath. At home.
Shrek's face falls.
SHREK
You mean - don't... don't be in the choir?
MICHAEL
I just worry, knowing where we're headed, the stress would be too much for you.
He taps him on the shoulder and goes back to the table. He drinks his whiskey, Layla gets up and they leave.
LAYLA
Was it awful?
MICHAEL
Of course it was awful.
The others look at each other, then all turn at once to look at Shrek.
ESTHER'S KITCHEN. Olive, Phoebe and JIMMY are all there with Esther.
ESTHER
He sacked Shrek?
PHOEBE
Well, if the face don't fit...
OLIVE
Yeah, well, it's her again. She's never liked him.
PHOEBE
Meanwhile, the rest of us have been left to "consider our position".
Fred comes in. Olive comes over to the counter, where Esther is putting her shopping away.
OLIVE
And if they don't get themselves up to scratch...!
ESTHER
Woah! You can't jump ship!
JIMMY
You're not hearing them, love, they're being pushed.
ESTHER
No, look. I'm sorry things are tough, but you shouldn't overreact. Seriously, hang in there. Michael's a good conductor, he just wants you to do your best.
OLIVE
No, that's not *just* what he wants.
ESTHER (suspicious)
What's going on? Why are you here?
OLIVE
I thought you might like...
She turns and Phoebe waves.
OLIVE
Another recruit.
ESTHER
For what?
OLIVE
Our new choir.
ESTHER
There is no new choir!
OLIVE
Well, there could be!
ESTHER
There couldn't. Last week was a one off. Right now, all I've got headspace for is my home and my kids.
OLIVE
And your kids love the choir.
JIMMY
And so do we.
ESTHER
Will you stop, please? Hear me. I'm done, seriously. I have nothing more to give.
FRED (mouthful of sandwich)
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Some dude rang from church. Uh.. Bart somebody.
ESTHER
Who?
FRED
Barton? James?
ESTHER
Jake?
FRED
I think he said it was urgent.
Esther rolls her eyes.
IN CHURCH - NIGHT. It's dark and Shrek is singing to the empty church, blankets in his arms. Only the church isn't empty. Jake and Esther come in, lurking in the shadows, listening. Shrek finishes and sits down. Esther and Jake come down the aisle to him.
ESTHER
Clifford? Clifford, it's Esther.
SHREK
Don't call me that. You don't have to be - thingy.
ESTHER
What?
SHREK
Polite. Call me what everyone else does.
ESTHER
But it-
SHREK
You know what they call me. Say it.
ESTHER
Shrek.
SHREK
I don't mind. I like the name. I like the - whatsit. Film.
ESTHER
Your voice... is beautiful.
She sits down next to him.
ESTHER
How could you be asked to leave?
SHREK
I can't... thingy. Do it. When I'm made to. In front of people.
ESTHER
But Michael must realise-
SHREK
And she doesn't like me.
ESTHER
Layla.
SHREK
I scare her. She doesn't want me around. People don't.
ESTHER
What people?
SHREK
Family. Landlord.
ESTHER
Is that why you're living here?
SHREK
I don't mind. I like it here.
Jake looks around sadly.
SHREK
It's not being in t'choir. Not singing. It's what I- I can't. I can't-
He trails off, tears running down his face, shaking his head.
ESTHER
You know, Michael probably doesn't realise what an extraordinary voice you have. Because in choir, when we're all singing together, it's hard to tell. If you were to go to Michael, sing for him and ask him to give you another chance.
SHREK
But what if he won't let me?
ESTHER
You make him let you.
SHREK
How?
ESTHER
Just do it!
Jake smiles, proud.
ESTHER
Just, get out there and show him what you can do.
Shrek starts smiling. They both chuckle.
CHURCH - DAYTIME. Ethel, Gilbert and Louise are confronting REVEREND BARTICLE while Esther and Jake stand at the other side.
ETHEL
Unbelievable!
GILBERT
Turning the Temple of the Lord into a dosshouse!
ETHEL
And we don't know the full story, he could have been given every opportunity to move out.
LOUISE
And obviously, we're not insured for residential use.
Reverend Barticle looks from one to another.
ESTHER
No one's suggesting that he lives here permanently.
JAKE
I've offered him a bed at mine but he reckons that this is the closest thing to home.
ETHEL
I think we have to be cruel to be kind. My vote would be to tell him kindly but... firmly-
GILBERT
To be on his way, yeah.
REVEREND BARTICLE
And where *exactly* is he now?
TIMBER WHARF. Shrek stands outside, looking up and starts singing. On the running machine, Layla hears singing and goes to see who it is. She looks terrified at the sight of Shrek singing up at her. She slams the door closed but he just sings louder. When there's no response, he carries on. Michael comes out the front door.
MICHAEL
Is this your idea of a joke?
SHREK
What? No, no. I just wanted to show you I-
MICHAEL
Stalking people! Forcing your attentions on them!
SHREK
I wanted you to hear me thingy. Thing!
MICHAEL
It's too much! *You're* too much! Don't you understand? She's terrified of you!
SHREK
I just want to come back to the choir.
MICHAEL
How on Earth could you think *this* would change my mind? Go home, Clifford.
SHREK
No, I-
MICHAEL
*Surely* you can see I couldn't *possibly* allow you back now.
He storms off, leaving Shrek dumbfounded.
ESTHER'S KITCHEN. The kids are sitting around the table, Esther leans on the cooker and Olive is also there.
ESTHER
Oh my God. That's my fault.
GEORGIA
How?
ESTHER
I told him - I suggested he should sing.
GEORGIA
Outside Dad and Layla's?
ESTHER
I said he should show him what he's capable of.
GEORGIA
Good move.
ESTHER
Well, there must have been some misunderstanding. Your dad would never be so harsh.
FRED
Oh yeah, he was. Apparently old durrbrain was crying his eyes out. "I don't know- whatsit - thingy!"
ESTHER
Fred!
Georgia throws a cloth at him.
ESTHER
This is all my fault.
GEORGIA
No, it's Dad's. He sacked the guy.
ESTHER
Well, he must have had his reasons.
GEORGIA
You're still defending him?
ESTHER
No, I- I-
GEORGIA
Wise up, will you? Dad does shit things sometimes. He's selfish. He walks all over people!
ESTHER
Not intentionally.
GEORGIA
How can you say that?
ESTHER
Georgia, he's not a bad person.
GEORGIA
What's it gonna take for you to get it? Ok. I'm out of here. You wanna play doormat? Fine. Just don't ask me to sit here and watch.
ESTHER
Where are you going?
GEORGIA
To Dad and Layla's. To live.
She storms out.
TIMBER WHARF. Esther's car pulls up and Georgia grumpily undoes her seatbelt.
ESTHER
I just wanted to make sure you got here safely.
GEORGIA
Unbelievable.
ESTHER
What?
GEORGIA
Don't you ever fight back?
She gets out and slams the door. Esther watches as Michael and Layla come out and Layla envelopes her in a big hug. They all go in, Michael's arms around Georgia. There's a knock on the car window. Esther looks round as Jake opens the door.
ESTHER
What are you doing here?
JAKE
I'm looking for Shrek. He's not come back tonight.
NIGHT. Esther and Jake drive around in the dark.
ESTHER
He could be anywhere. How?! How could we let this happen?!
She turns left.
ESTHER
There. Over there. Is that him?
She pulls over and they both run to a bench but the lump on it is just a pile of rubbish bags.
ESTHER
I thought - I thought it was-
Jake sighs.
ESTHER
This can't keep happening.
JAKE
What?
ESTHER
We can't just sit by and watch people get walked on. And made to feel small and lose the things that mean most to them in all the world.
JAKE
We are talking about Shrek here, right?
ESTHER
And Olive. And Phoebe, and all the people getting kicked out the choir. And those who can't get into the church because it's so bloody precious and elitist!
JAKE
And meanwhile Georgia's gone to live with her dad.
ESTHER
Yeah.
JAKE
Well, is that why you want to adopt Shrek?
ESTHER
No! No! That's not it. I can't not care. When I see someone struggling, when people are treated unfairly and when they need-
Jake laughs.
ESTHER
What?
JAKE
Someone else who wants to save the world.
ESTHER
No, I wouldn't be so arrogant! But if I did, if I wanted to make a difference, in small ways, why would that be funny?
Jake thinks about not answering this for a second.
JAKE
The bloke who got me into all of this, my best mate - he's dead now, but... but he had this tattoo. So when he died, I got one too.
He pulls up his sleeve to reveal writing down the inside of his left forearm. Esther looks at it.
JAKE
"He who saves one life, saves the world entire". Ok? So let's go and save the world.
IN CHURCH. They're all confronting Reverend Barticle again.
GILBERT
Well, I think I speak for us all-
JAKE (firmly)
Nope.
GILBERT
-when I say we regret the need to exclude Clifford from the choir but threatening behaviour towards a soprano!
ESTHER (mildly)
Shrek? He was singing. Since when does that constitute a threat?
JAKE
And how about the fact that he's homeless and pretty damn desperate? Do we regret that as well?
ETHEL
I'm not sure why we should feel responsible for him.
JAKE
Oh, let me think. Um.... oh yeah, because we profess to be decent human beings.
ESTHER
Because he's our caretaker and it wouldn't cost us to show a little care for him.
REVEREND BARTICLE
Although, at present, nobody actually knows where he is.
ETHEL
Though on a positive note, at least that solves the problem of this place.
ESTHER
Actually, it doesn't. The problem of this place is that it's irrelevant.
Jake grins.
ETHEL
I beg your pardon?
ESTHER
Well, it's worse than that. It's useless. If it can't even offer a roof for someone who's having a tough time.
REVEREND BARTICLE
And you think that's its purpose?
JAKE
Yeah, actually.
ETHEL
Extraordinary.
JAKE
Seriously, if not a refuge, a safe haven, a meeting place, then what's the point? Guys, come on! Is this the best we can do with it? We have a building here which currently caters for the needs of about eight people. There's often more in the choir than in the congregation! How does that serve anyone?
REVEREND BARTICLE
So... what do you suggest?
Jake beams. Ethel scoffs.
A PARK. Shrek sits on a bench.
THE CHURCH. Jake goes outside with a ladder and sets it up in front of the notice board. Louise sees and calls in through the open door.
LOUISE
Ethel!
Ethel comes out, followed by Gilbert and they watch as Jake puts up a poster and goes back in, pausing on the steps to watch their reaction.
ETHEL
"Available to use"
GILBERT
"For times and conditions, see Jake Barton or Esther Caddick." Well, this is a sorry day.
IN TOWN. Esther cycles through a square
THE PARK. Kyle, hands in pockets, comes across Shrek sleeping on the bench. He sits down on the other end and starts singing. Shrek opens his eyes and looks at him. Shrek echoes him. He sits up and gradually, the singing comes together. Kyle stands up and leaves without even looking at him.
OUTSIDE THE CHURCH. Esther cycles in through the gate. On the gatepost is another "available to use" notice. She parks her bike and goes in, to find Jake sitting cross-legged on the floor, talking to a woman and her young daughter.
JAKE
Thank you very much. Cheers. See you later. Bye-bye.
He looks up as Esther comes towards him.
JAKE
Look at that!
He holds up a clipboard. There's a brightly coloured timetable on it.
JAKE
First week almost fully booked. Mothers & Toddlers, Keep Fit, Yogic Flyers-
ESTHER
You've gone over the heads of the committee?
JAKE
Yeah, I'm afraid so.
ESTHER
Or just taken it out of their hands?
JAKE
Totally.
He looks up at her.
ESTHER
Why's my name out there?
JAKE
It was your idea!
ESTHER
No!
JAKE
Yes! Yours and mine. You said you wanted this place open and accessible and available to everyone.
ESTHER
Yes, in principle. I didn't say I wanted to be practically involved.
JAKE
So you're all mouth and no action?
She huffs but sits down too. The door at the far end opens.
JESS
Hi. Excuse me, Jake?
JAKE
Jess! Yes, strings want to book a rehearsal space. Give me two minutes.
He leans forward towards Esther.
JAKE
See, there's plenty of space for everyone.
ESTHER
Except Shrek. We still don't know where he is. Probably never show his face in here again and who can blame him?
JAKE
Well, you could get him back.
ESTHER
Me?
JAKE
He loves singing, doesn't he? So give him something to come back for.
He puts the pen in his mouth, gets to his feet and goes to see Jess, leaving Esther open-mouthed.
OUT AND ABOUT. Jake sticks up "All the Small Things" posters. Ethel stops to read one.
CHURCH. Jake and Esther unload equipment from a car.
OUT AND ABOUT. Ethel rips the poster down and tears it up.
THE PARK. Kyle crosses the grass, a poster in his hands.
CHURCH. Fred and Jimmy are unloading too.
THE PARK. Kyle tucks the poster under Shrek's arm.
CHURCH. The Tonkses arrive to see equipment being carried into the church.
THE PARK. Shrek sits up and reads the poster. He sees Kyle walking away.
CHURCH. The Tonkses watch a procession of people carrying things into the church. Inside, they're all setting up, Esther overseeing. Jake leans on the pulpit, arms crossed, looking dreamy. Esther holds up crossed fingers to him and he smiles.
THE PARK. Shrek contemplates the poster.
CHURCH.
FRED
You said we had a rehearsal space booked.
ESTHER
Yeah.
FRED
For All the "Small" Things.
ESTHER
Well, I guess All the Small Things just got bigger.
FRED
But why them?
He looks at a collection of teenage girls lounging in the pews.
FRED
All they do is yap and drool over Kyle.
ESTHER
Well, I guess they saw the posters.
FRED
What is this, some kind of drop-in for all the fossils, freaks and losers?
ESTHER
Probably.
CHURCH STUDY. The Tonkses and Louise take tea with Reverend Barticle. Shrek's alarm clock in on his desk, almost lost amongst the books. Ethel brushes a speck of non-existent dust from her husband's blazer.
REVEREND BARTICLE
I'm afraid I ... I don't quite understand your request.
ETHEL
It's quite straightforward, Reverend. You bow to the wishes of your congregation
GILBERT
And have the disruptive influence removed.
CHURCH. Esther claps her hands.
ESTHER
Umm... I wonder if I could have everyone's attention? Welcome, everyone, to our very first open house sing-song. It's probably a totally mad idea, but hey, we've got the space so let's give it a go. Those of you who are used to following a score-
She shepherds everyone up to the front.
ESTHER
-Olive, Phoebe, might be a bit freaked out by what I'm gonna suggest. Some of you might not know this first song but the good news is, that's the point. There's no right and wrong, the idea is to just sing along and see where it takes us.
She points to Monica who starts playing the organ.
ESTHER
Kyle? Would you?
The girls giggle.
ESTHER
Grace?
GRACE (at the drums)
Yeah.
ESTHER
Fred? You up for it?
FRED
As if.
ESTHER
Anyone else fancy trying their hand at bass?
All the girls leap to their feet. Fred picks it up and Esther smiles.
ESTHER
Just go along. Just go with it!
People bounce around as the music starts. Kyle steps up to the microphone and starts singing. Esther scurries over to Jimmy.
ESTHER
I'll bring you in, just watch me.
She hurries back to the front. Esther conducts. No one really knows what they're doing but they make it up and gradually it falls into place. Behind Esther, the outer door opens. Then the inner one does and Jake looks up as Shrek comes in. Esther turns to see what he's looking at and smiles.
ESTHER
Come on. Come on!
Shyly, Shrek comes up. Esther holds up her fingers in an "ok" gesture to Jake, who returns it. Esther turns and conducts Shrek who sings out loud, then comes up to sing along at the front with Kyle. The door opens again and the Tonkses, Louise, Michael, Layla and Georgia come in. The music stops.
ETHEL
I'm speechless.
JAKE
Result.
They come down the passageway, Ethel slamming closed two open pew doors. Jake descends from the pulpit to stand at the front of the band with Esther.
GILBERT
Your behaviour is unacceptable.
JAKE
To whom?
ETHEL (furious)
This is a House of God, not a refuge for second-rate musicians.
JAKE
Well, you're more than welcome to join in and up the standard.
GILBERT
Oh, don't attempt to be smart, laddie. Your position here is extremely precarious.
JAKE
Well, I'm sorry to hear that.
MICHAEL (to Esther)
You're upping your profile, I notice. Name on the door?
LOUISE
Forming your own choir?
GILBERT
What? These rags and tatters?
ESTHER
What did you say?
GILBERT
Well, you've got to be desperate to get involved with them.
MICHAEL
This isn't a choir, for God's sake. Esther, you're not stupid. You know your limitations. Not to mention theirs.
Esther steps back, further into her choir.
ESTHER
I'm not sure that the word "limitation" fits. For me, or any of my friends. Any more than what happened at the Music Fest was... "undignified" or "inappropriate". Actually, it was pretty bloody brilliant.
OLIVE/PHOEBE
Hear, hear.
ESTHER
So if you don't mind, we'd like to continue with our rehearsal.
Behind Michael, Georgia is smiling.
MICHAEL
Esther-
ESTHER
Please feel free to stay and join in.
She steps back down to face the choir.
ESTHER
Right. Where were we? Grace?
They start up. The others leave, Ethel and Georgia last, and by now the choir have got the hang of Swing, Swing. It sounds great.