Suspicion, Supernatural, NC-17, Broken!Verse
Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Suspicion
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Dean, John, Ellen, Bobby, Caleb, Pastor Jim, Jo, Ash, OMC, OFC
Rating: NC-17 (for thematic reasons)
Word Count: 495
Summary: Broken!Verse, chapter 41 ( Click here for Index of all chapters)
Summary: Sam and Dean meet Jo and Ash, Sam and Pastor Jim take another turn at talking, and the hunters en route to rendezvous with the Winchesters start considering who could still be watching.
A/Ns and Warnings: Very dark. Includes memory of torture and rape and very dark violence.
“Boys.” Sam and Dean stopped at the bottom of the stairs, Dean steadying Sam when his crutch slipped a little. “We have company.”
Sam’s grin was a little lopsided and a little less than comfortable as his eyes flashed to the two newcomers. “This is Ellen’s daughter Jo, and…Ash.”
Dean was the first to recover, moving in front of Sam to shake Ash’s hand. “I’m Dean, this is my brother Sam.” He smiled at Jo as she took his hand with a firm grip. “Your mother certainly is an awesome woman.”
“Yeah, if you aren’t her daughter.”
Sam chuckled. “Let me guess, only child?”
She tossed her blonde head and looked at him. She couldn’t have been fifteen, maybe sixteen. “What makes you say that?”
“It’s a lot like being the youngest, only worse.” He spared a glance at his father. “It’s okay. Your mom? She just looking out for you.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying.” Ash said. “For the last four days.” Sam could almost feel the eyes Ash swept over him. “That looks nasty,” he said, looking at Sam’s leg.
Sam dismissed it almost casually. “It’s getting better.”
“I was hoping to get my hands on the stuff Gabe sent you.”
“After dinner.” John intervened. “We can’t do anything with it tonight anyway.”
He led them into the kitchen and Sam could tell Ash was irritated with his father’s brusque commanding style. “I got through some of it,” he said as Dean helped him to a seat and set his crutches aside.
“Find anything interesting?” Ash asked as he helped himself to the plate of burgers.
“Well, it seems Michael Harvelle was married for a while. Had two sons. Then the mother and boys fall of the map.”
“Did you search his aliases?” Ash asked, even as he was stuffing a mouthful of macaroni salad into his mouth.
Sam smirked. “Yeah, the internet connection here is amazing.”
Ash nodded. “Like that? Wired it myself. Was a bitch this far out from the hub.”
“So, I hit all the aliases I could find in the information we have, and there’s nothing.”
“So you’re saying that I have two cousins out there somewhere that I’ve never met?” Jo asked, reaching over the table for the mustard. “Creepy. I mean, they could be anybody…I could fall in love with my own cousin and never know it.”
“Happens more than you might imagine.” John said, glancing at Dean who was smirking around his burger.
“Still…creepy. And gross.” She seemed to think about it, and made a face and shuddered. “Seriously gross. Could you imagine having sex with your own cousin?”
“Guess I’m glad we don’t have any cousins then.” Sam said quietly. He didn’t have to look up to feel the look his father gave him. Dean kicked him under the table and Sam glanced at him.
He was saved from any further abuse by the front door opening. Pastor Jim came in, a plastic bag in his hand. Jo jumped up from the table to hug him, practically wrapping her teenage body around the older man. “Pastor Jim! I didn’t know you were here! I’m so happy to see you.”
“Jo, you’re choking me.”
“Oh. Sorry.” She let him go and almost daintily stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.
Jim held up the bag and set it aside on the counter. “Got four, think it’ll be enough?”
John nodded and pointed him toward a plate. Sam looked at the bag, then to his father. “Something you aren’t telling us?”
John shook his head. “Nothing for you to worry about. You’ve got enough on your plate.”
“Dad-“
“Sam, it isn’t open for discussion. You and Dean will stay out of it, if I have to tie you to your beds.”
“Now wait. I agree, Sam should-“
John poked his fork toward Dean. “Stop. I’ve made up my mind. You know I’ll do it too.”
Sam looked at his brother and weighed the notion of arguing. The tone was one that was nearly impossible to battle through. Dean shrugged. “I want a piece of him before it’s over.” Sam said softly without looking away from Dean.
“Sam.”
Jim sat at the empty plate and started filling his plate. “I think your father’s right, Sam. You have enough you need to deal with. You and Dean both.”
Sam looked from Jim to his father, than spared a glance at Jo who was watching the entire exchange. It suddenly dawned on him that they were talking about her uncle. He blinked. “Sorry.”
Her face was white and she wouldn’t meet his eyes. Great. It wasn’t bad enough he had Gabe looking at him that way.
“No…it’s okay,” she said finally, when she’d figured out what he was apologizing for. “I don’t even know him.”
The table was quiet then, and Sam turned his eyes to his plate and kept them there. He was tired of being treated like he was fragile. Tired of everyone watching what they said. Of feeling like they were disgusted by him or pitied him.
Dean’s foot was against his calf under the table, and Sam responded by pulling his legs back under his chair. He got through half his food and felt sick…sick of the whole thing. He pushed his chair back and stood, balancing lightly while he reached for his crutches.
“Sam?”
He didn’t look at his father, or at Dean. “I’m gonna go back upstairs. That way I’m out of the way when they get here.”
“It’ll be hours yet.” John offered, his voice softer now than it had been.
Sam shook his head. “Not up to being much company tonight Dad. Got a headache.” He turned and headed for the stairs, though Dean’s hand stopped him when he would have started up them. “Go eat Dean. I’m fine.”
“You promised.” Dean said quietly.
Sam closed his eyes and turned to him. “I’m fine, Dean. I’m angry. I want to watch him die.” He tried to keep his voice low. “I want to see the face of the man who did this to us. Who took you away from me…who made these…things happen to you and me…and all the others. I want to show him that he underestimated us. I want to cut his skin and watch him bleed.” His voice was ratcheting up and he wasn’t sure he could stop it. “You want me to tell you when it isn’t okay? Well fine. It fucking isn’t fucking fine, Dean. And if it isn’t fine for me it sure as hell isn’t fine for you and you just give in. You don’t even fight. You don’t raise your voice, you don’t disagree…you just…fucking…follow orders!”
John and Jim appeared at the kitchen door. Sam turned away and tried the stairs again. Dean still held his arm. Dean looked at the floor, at the stairs, anywhere but up into Sam’s face. “Actually, Sam. I agree with Dad.” He said it quietly, but it had the force of a shotgun. “I mean, I want it too. I want it so badly I can taste blood Sam. I can taste it. I want to strip him naked and fuck his ass with a tree branch. I want to rip the skin off his back and feed it to him for fucking breakfast.” His hand shifted, sliding down Sam’s arm to his hand. “That’s how I know Dad is right. Because I shouldn’t want that. I’m a hunter Sam. Not one of them. So are you.”
Dean’s eyes met Sam’s. “You hear me Sam? You aren’t one of them.”
Sam stared into the green of his brother’s eyes for a long time before he nodded slowly. “Yeah, Dean. I hear you.” He sighed and looked up at his father and Pastor Jim. “Can I go upstairs now?” Sam asked and Dean nodded, letting go of him.
Dean started to follow, but a hand descended on his shoulder. “Let me, Son.” Jim said. “You go finish your dinner.” Dean wanted to argue, but Jim shook his head. “This is why I’m here.”
Jim followed Sam, catching the bedroom door when Sam would have slammed it closed. “You’re still angry.”
Sam didn’t turn around. “Fuck yeah I’m angry. I was raped, repeatedly. I think I deserve to be angry.”
“Didn’t say you didn’t deserve it.”
“Yeah, fuck you to.” Sam threw one crutch away, into the corner of the room. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. You were right about the psych classes.”
“I’m just here to talk to, Sam.”
“Right. And I can tell you anything, right? Cause you’re a man of god or whatever? If you only knew.”
“Knew what?”
Sam shook his head and limped a little closer to the window. “If you knew, you wouldn’t be standing there so casually.” He crossed his arms and leaned into the wall.
“I promise you Sam, there isn’t anything you can say-“
“No? You don’t know me, Pastor Jim. Hell, even Dean doesn’t know me…what I’m capable of…what I’ve done to get here.”
“Why don’t you tell me then?”
Sam turned so his back was against the wall. “You really want to know? Want to hear about the men I’ve killed?” He could see in Jim’s eyes he hadn’t expected that. “Yeah. Killed. Tortured and left for dead. I’m not the innocent little boy they want me to be. And that was before they grabbed me and fucked me six ways to Sunday.”
“Dean only wants to protect you.”
Sam chuckled coldly and shook his head. “Maybe it’s time for him to realize I’m not the fifteen year old baby brother anymore. Maybe he should realize that it’s time for me to protect him.”
“How would killing Gorlian protect Dean?”
Sam sighed explosively. “Dean…hasn’t…killed…he’s…not in the same way…he’s not innocent exactly, but James…it was a heat of the moment thing, self defense. Not…not this. Not straight premeditated murder.”
“You might be surprised.”
It was Sam’s turn to be surprised, looking up quickly. “What?”
“You and your brother should spend some time really talking, Sam. He’s killed for you too. Told me about a group of men that came for him after you were taken. He shot them all. While they were bound and gagged.”
Sam groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. “How did we get this fucked up?”
Jim stepped closer. “It starts with being hunters, Sam. Hunters are…a different breed. I love your Daddy like a brother, but you were never raised to be normal.”
“But hunters don’t kill. Dean said it himself. What I’ve done makes me no better than them…than Gorlian and the men he hired. If Dean knew…” Sam closed his eyes. If Dean knew, he’d never look at Sam the same way. If Dean knew what all he’d done in his efforts to find him…
“Sam?”
A tear leaked out of one eye and Sam lowered his head. “I’m not the boy he loves…loved…if he ever did.”
“Of course he loves you, Sam. He’s your brother. You are the world to him, you always have been.”
“I manipulated him. Used him. This was never his fault.”
Pastor Jim put his hands in his pockets and stared out the window. “I take it that now we’re talking about you and Dean in a different context.”
“With me and Dean I’m not entirely sure that there are different contexts.” Sam said softly. “There’s just this insane, fucked to hell thing we have. Brothers, best friends, rivals, lovers. It’s all the same.” Sam took a deep breath. “I…figured you knew…but there, it’s just…what it is.”
Jim nodded slowly. “I suspected before now. I knew after I got here though.”
“I’m sorry, I realize it probably makes you uncomfortable.” Sam sighed and hobbled over to the bed.
“This isn’t about my comfort Sam, it’s about you and Dean and healing from this terrible, horrific thing that’s happened to you.”
“I used to imagine Dad finding out. I figured he’d freak out, kick us out…sometimes I wondered if he’d blame Dean.”
“Because he’s older?”
Sam nodded. “It wasn’t his fault though. I knew he’d never say no to me…I was the one who pursued it. I was the one who pushed him.”
“Your brother loves you Sam. It’s an incredible thing really, the love you two have for one another. It’s probably the only thing that’s going to get you both through this. But you have to start dealing with it, not just pretending you’re okay.”
Sam nodded and pulled the cast up on the bed, slipping long fingers into the top of it to scratch. “I know. It…isn’t easy.”
Jim smiled at that. “I don’t expect it is.”
Sam licked his lips. “When you asked me…before…if Dean touched me…” His mouth was dry and he could feel his heart hammering in his chest. “He…I let him…but…it was too soon…too much. He needed to tell me something…and…and he’s never been big with words…you know?”
It was all right there, just below the surface and if he breathed deep enough it would flow into his veins. “I…didn’t want to. I couldn’t tell him though.”
“So you let him touch you?”
Sam nodded again, closing his eyes. “He…was trying to apologize…for being angry about Jessica. He was aroused…and that meant he’d overcome some of the programming…and I’d…shut him down earlier…I couldn’t’…I couldn’t say no.” Sam was starting to pant, feeling fingers on his body. “But…it was too much…and I couldn’t pretend….it was…it was like being there all over again…and I felt guilty.”
“Guilty? What did you feel guilty for Sam?”
“Because he…endured so much more than I did…and I couldn’t tell him that I knew…and I couldn’t help how I reacted…”
“You seem to think that because Dean was there longer, that he had more abuse piled on to him that you are somehow not entitled to react to what happened to you.”
“He was gone a year before I found him. When I found him…” Sam took a deep breath. “God, he was…and now that I’ve seen…what it took to break him. How can the four days I was there even begin to compare?”
Jim crossed to the bed, sitting slowly. “What you need to understand Sam is that no matter if you were there one day or a thousand…whether you were raped once or a dozen times, you have every right to react…You shouldn’t compare yourself to Dean.”
“You’re awfully quiet.” Ellen said, glancing aside at Caleb.
Caleb nodded. “Don’t have much to say.” He stared out the window, though it was dark and there was nothing to see.
“You okay?”
“Don’t know.”
“That’s not any kind of answer.”
“You want me to explain what happened, and I don’t know that I can.”
“You let that boy-“
“He’s more of a man than you imagine, Ellen. He…he was almost frightening in there with Gorlian.”
“Still, Caleb…he’s eighteen.”
Caleb nodded. “I know. I can’t explain it. He…he was…” He closed his eyes, remembering the look in Gabe’s eyes in the meadow, the way his fingers were gentle as he undid the collar and slipped it off his neck. “He was right…I would never have been able to live with it if I’d done it.”
“But he can?”
Caleb shrugged. “Honestly? I don’t know.” He sighed and looked at her. “I don’t know, Ellen. I’ve never been this unsure of myself.”
Gabe stiffened in his sleep and Allen sighed. Bobby followed Ellen’s tail lights and they were making good time. They should make the cabin by midnight.
There was no sign of being followed, and the news was filled with stories about an FBI sting operation in Austin that was likely to lead to the arrests of several prominent businessmen. No word yet on a dead body found outside of Austin…but then a single murder probably wouldn’t make the national news, and they were far enough outside of Texas that they weren’t getting regional stuff anymore.
“He’s a good kid, Allen. With a good head on his shoulders. He’ll be fine.”
Allen nodded. “I’m his father, I’m supposed to worry.”
“I know.” Bobby pressed his lips together and stared out at the road.
Allen kicked himself. “I’m sorry.”
“I wish everyone would stop apologizing. Robert got what he deserved. My only regret is that I let Sam do it, when I should have done it myself.” Bobby thrummed his fingers on the steering wheel, then deftly changed the subject. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Yeah?”
Bobby nodded. “About the cabin, and somebody watching. What if the reason Gabe didn’t find anything is that they aren’t doing it remotely. What if they’re using good old fashioned eyeballing?”
“No electronics to detect.” Allen nodded. “Harder to trace, especially if they’re good.”
“That’s what I was thinking.”
“And we know they’re good. No one plays John Winchester like that.”
“Or Dean for that matter.” Bobby glanced aside at Allen. “We also have to consider that we only have one of the three Gorlians. Granted, we have who we assume is the head guy…but, the others can’t be forgotten.”
“No…that reminds me. In the heat of everything I forgot.” He pulled out his phone and dialed quickly. “Hey, Joe, Allen.” He held up his hand when he saw Bobby’s question. “Did you confirm? Okay. Get back to me when you do.” He sighed explosively. “We have reason to believe that the youngest, Terrance, the one Sam tangled with in NY, was at the facility in Florida. If he was, he’s dead.”
“Joe’s working it?”
Allen nodded. “I called him when things went bad. Knew we’d need back up to do the clean up. He’s getting more information as the coroner’s office works through the bodies.”
“So…maybe we only have one more out there?”
Allen shrugged. “Maybe.”
“You want the rest?”
Allen raised an eyebrow as he looked at the older man. “Rest?”
“I told you, I’ve been thinking.”
“Yeah, okay…what’s the rest?”
“We need to go back to the beginning. Maybe Robert wasn’t the only one who was involved.”
“What are you saying?”
“How many people knew we were going to that cabin? Ellen didn’t even tell us until we were nearly there. I assume she had to tell Andrew, since it’s his place and all.”
“Are you suggesting that Andrew is involved?
“I’m suggesting someone is. Someone who knows the cabin. Someone who knew we were there. Someone patient and capable of hunting hunters.”
“I don’t know if I can fathom that. I mean…I know Andrew. I’ve hunted with Andrew.”
“There is one other person…but even I can’t wrap my head around that.”
Allen shook his head. “Pastor Jim?”
“The DVDs did appear just when he did…but…I mean…I’d trust Jim with my life.”
“No, it isn’t…it can’t be…” Allen shook his head. “He’d have had ample opportunities over the years. I can’t fathom Jim being involved in anything like this.”
“There is one other option.” Gabe said softly from the back seat. He sat up slowly, his face pale, his father’s jacket pulled tight around him. “We never did check Sam or Dean for…devices, trackers. Maybe Gorlian had them tagged.”
“If Dean were tagged, they would have found them a whole lot faster, and Tulsa would have been a whole lot cleaner.” Bobby said.
“Not if they tagged him when he gave himself up.” Gabe said. “I was only looking for our device, not others. I never swept him, just the house, the woods. By that point we’d hurt them pretty bad. Maybe they decided to change their tactic, go after John directly.”
“Where it would hurt the most.” Allen murmured. He had to admit, it was possible.
“From the time I spent with him, Gorlian seems to be highly intelligent, but he thinks he’s smarter than other people. Whatever his personal vendetta against John, he’s been pretty single minded. He’s been planning this for years…the infrastructure he’s built to pull this off is incredible.”
“I thought we decided Gorlian isn’t the top of the organization.”
Gabe inhaled deeply. “Whoever does his computer stuff is damn good. I’ll have to do some more digging…but that could be a ruse.”
The car was quiet for a while then Gabe sighed and settled back against the seat. “You okay?” Allen asked, reaching over the seat to touch his son’s knee. Gabe nodded, but didn’t meet his gaze.
“I need to pee.”
Allen smiled and nodded. “We’ll stop at the next rest stop.” He flipped his phone open to call Ellen and let her know. Gabe pulled the jacket closer and curled in on himself until he was laying down again. He wanted to close his eyes, wanted to sleep…but he didn’t want the dreams…the endless cycle of rape and beatings and red hands. Under the jacket, where his father wouldn’t see, he rubbed his hands together, pulling at the blood he knew wasn’t there.
Title: Suspicion
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Dean, John, Ellen, Bobby, Caleb, Pastor Jim, Jo, Ash, OMC, OFC
Rating: NC-17 (for thematic reasons)
Word Count: 495
Summary: Broken!Verse, chapter 41 ( Click here for Index of all chapters)
Summary: Sam and Dean meet Jo and Ash, Sam and Pastor Jim take another turn at talking, and the hunters en route to rendezvous with the Winchesters start considering who could still be watching.
A/Ns and Warnings: Very dark. Includes memory of torture and rape and very dark violence.
“Boys.” Sam and Dean stopped at the bottom of the stairs, Dean steadying Sam when his crutch slipped a little. “We have company.”
Sam’s grin was a little lopsided and a little less than comfortable as his eyes flashed to the two newcomers. “This is Ellen’s daughter Jo, and…Ash.”
Dean was the first to recover, moving in front of Sam to shake Ash’s hand. “I’m Dean, this is my brother Sam.” He smiled at Jo as she took his hand with a firm grip. “Your mother certainly is an awesome woman.”
“Yeah, if you aren’t her daughter.”
Sam chuckled. “Let me guess, only child?”
She tossed her blonde head and looked at him. She couldn’t have been fifteen, maybe sixteen. “What makes you say that?”
“It’s a lot like being the youngest, only worse.” He spared a glance at his father. “It’s okay. Your mom? She just looking out for you.”
“That’s what I’ve been saying.” Ash said. “For the last four days.” Sam could almost feel the eyes Ash swept over him. “That looks nasty,” he said, looking at Sam’s leg.
Sam dismissed it almost casually. “It’s getting better.”
“I was hoping to get my hands on the stuff Gabe sent you.”
“After dinner.” John intervened. “We can’t do anything with it tonight anyway.”
He led them into the kitchen and Sam could tell Ash was irritated with his father’s brusque commanding style. “I got through some of it,” he said as Dean helped him to a seat and set his crutches aside.
“Find anything interesting?” Ash asked as he helped himself to the plate of burgers.
“Well, it seems Michael Harvelle was married for a while. Had two sons. Then the mother and boys fall of the map.”
“Did you search his aliases?” Ash asked, even as he was stuffing a mouthful of macaroni salad into his mouth.
Sam smirked. “Yeah, the internet connection here is amazing.”
Ash nodded. “Like that? Wired it myself. Was a bitch this far out from the hub.”
“So, I hit all the aliases I could find in the information we have, and there’s nothing.”
“So you’re saying that I have two cousins out there somewhere that I’ve never met?” Jo asked, reaching over the table for the mustard. “Creepy. I mean, they could be anybody…I could fall in love with my own cousin and never know it.”
“Happens more than you might imagine.” John said, glancing at Dean who was smirking around his burger.
“Still…creepy. And gross.” She seemed to think about it, and made a face and shuddered. “Seriously gross. Could you imagine having sex with your own cousin?”
“Guess I’m glad we don’t have any cousins then.” Sam said quietly. He didn’t have to look up to feel the look his father gave him. Dean kicked him under the table and Sam glanced at him.
He was saved from any further abuse by the front door opening. Pastor Jim came in, a plastic bag in his hand. Jo jumped up from the table to hug him, practically wrapping her teenage body around the older man. “Pastor Jim! I didn’t know you were here! I’m so happy to see you.”
“Jo, you’re choking me.”
“Oh. Sorry.” She let him go and almost daintily stood on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek.
Jim held up the bag and set it aside on the counter. “Got four, think it’ll be enough?”
John nodded and pointed him toward a plate. Sam looked at the bag, then to his father. “Something you aren’t telling us?”
John shook his head. “Nothing for you to worry about. You’ve got enough on your plate.”
“Dad-“
“Sam, it isn’t open for discussion. You and Dean will stay out of it, if I have to tie you to your beds.”
“Now wait. I agree, Sam should-“
John poked his fork toward Dean. “Stop. I’ve made up my mind. You know I’ll do it too.”
Sam looked at his brother and weighed the notion of arguing. The tone was one that was nearly impossible to battle through. Dean shrugged. “I want a piece of him before it’s over.” Sam said softly without looking away from Dean.
“Sam.”
Jim sat at the empty plate and started filling his plate. “I think your father’s right, Sam. You have enough you need to deal with. You and Dean both.”
Sam looked from Jim to his father, than spared a glance at Jo who was watching the entire exchange. It suddenly dawned on him that they were talking about her uncle. He blinked. “Sorry.”
Her face was white and she wouldn’t meet his eyes. Great. It wasn’t bad enough he had Gabe looking at him that way.
“No…it’s okay,” she said finally, when she’d figured out what he was apologizing for. “I don’t even know him.”
The table was quiet then, and Sam turned his eyes to his plate and kept them there. He was tired of being treated like he was fragile. Tired of everyone watching what they said. Of feeling like they were disgusted by him or pitied him.
Dean’s foot was against his calf under the table, and Sam responded by pulling his legs back under his chair. He got through half his food and felt sick…sick of the whole thing. He pushed his chair back and stood, balancing lightly while he reached for his crutches.
“Sam?”
He didn’t look at his father, or at Dean. “I’m gonna go back upstairs. That way I’m out of the way when they get here.”
“It’ll be hours yet.” John offered, his voice softer now than it had been.
Sam shook his head. “Not up to being much company tonight Dad. Got a headache.” He turned and headed for the stairs, though Dean’s hand stopped him when he would have started up them. “Go eat Dean. I’m fine.”
“You promised.” Dean said quietly.
Sam closed his eyes and turned to him. “I’m fine, Dean. I’m angry. I want to watch him die.” He tried to keep his voice low. “I want to see the face of the man who did this to us. Who took you away from me…who made these…things happen to you and me…and all the others. I want to show him that he underestimated us. I want to cut his skin and watch him bleed.” His voice was ratcheting up and he wasn’t sure he could stop it. “You want me to tell you when it isn’t okay? Well fine. It fucking isn’t fucking fine, Dean. And if it isn’t fine for me it sure as hell isn’t fine for you and you just give in. You don’t even fight. You don’t raise your voice, you don’t disagree…you just…fucking…follow orders!”
John and Jim appeared at the kitchen door. Sam turned away and tried the stairs again. Dean still held his arm. Dean looked at the floor, at the stairs, anywhere but up into Sam’s face. “Actually, Sam. I agree with Dad.” He said it quietly, but it had the force of a shotgun. “I mean, I want it too. I want it so badly I can taste blood Sam. I can taste it. I want to strip him naked and fuck his ass with a tree branch. I want to rip the skin off his back and feed it to him for fucking breakfast.” His hand shifted, sliding down Sam’s arm to his hand. “That’s how I know Dad is right. Because I shouldn’t want that. I’m a hunter Sam. Not one of them. So are you.”
Dean’s eyes met Sam’s. “You hear me Sam? You aren’t one of them.”
Sam stared into the green of his brother’s eyes for a long time before he nodded slowly. “Yeah, Dean. I hear you.” He sighed and looked up at his father and Pastor Jim. “Can I go upstairs now?” Sam asked and Dean nodded, letting go of him.
Dean started to follow, but a hand descended on his shoulder. “Let me, Son.” Jim said. “You go finish your dinner.” Dean wanted to argue, but Jim shook his head. “This is why I’m here.”
Jim followed Sam, catching the bedroom door when Sam would have slammed it closed. “You’re still angry.”
Sam didn’t turn around. “Fuck yeah I’m angry. I was raped, repeatedly. I think I deserve to be angry.”
“Didn’t say you didn’t deserve it.”
“Yeah, fuck you to.” Sam threw one crutch away, into the corner of the room. “Don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. You were right about the psych classes.”
“I’m just here to talk to, Sam.”
“Right. And I can tell you anything, right? Cause you’re a man of god or whatever? If you only knew.”
“Knew what?”
Sam shook his head and limped a little closer to the window. “If you knew, you wouldn’t be standing there so casually.” He crossed his arms and leaned into the wall.
“I promise you Sam, there isn’t anything you can say-“
“No? You don’t know me, Pastor Jim. Hell, even Dean doesn’t know me…what I’m capable of…what I’ve done to get here.”
“Why don’t you tell me then?”
Sam turned so his back was against the wall. “You really want to know? Want to hear about the men I’ve killed?” He could see in Jim’s eyes he hadn’t expected that. “Yeah. Killed. Tortured and left for dead. I’m not the innocent little boy they want me to be. And that was before they grabbed me and fucked me six ways to Sunday.”
“Dean only wants to protect you.”
Sam chuckled coldly and shook his head. “Maybe it’s time for him to realize I’m not the fifteen year old baby brother anymore. Maybe he should realize that it’s time for me to protect him.”
“How would killing Gorlian protect Dean?”
Sam sighed explosively. “Dean…hasn’t…killed…he’s…not in the same way…he’s not innocent exactly, but James…it was a heat of the moment thing, self defense. Not…not this. Not straight premeditated murder.”
“You might be surprised.”
It was Sam’s turn to be surprised, looking up quickly. “What?”
“You and your brother should spend some time really talking, Sam. He’s killed for you too. Told me about a group of men that came for him after you were taken. He shot them all. While they were bound and gagged.”
Sam groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. “How did we get this fucked up?”
Jim stepped closer. “It starts with being hunters, Sam. Hunters are…a different breed. I love your Daddy like a brother, but you were never raised to be normal.”
“But hunters don’t kill. Dean said it himself. What I’ve done makes me no better than them…than Gorlian and the men he hired. If Dean knew…” Sam closed his eyes. If Dean knew, he’d never look at Sam the same way. If Dean knew what all he’d done in his efforts to find him…
“Sam?”
A tear leaked out of one eye and Sam lowered his head. “I’m not the boy he loves…loved…if he ever did.”
“Of course he loves you, Sam. He’s your brother. You are the world to him, you always have been.”
“I manipulated him. Used him. This was never his fault.”
Pastor Jim put his hands in his pockets and stared out the window. “I take it that now we’re talking about you and Dean in a different context.”
“With me and Dean I’m not entirely sure that there are different contexts.” Sam said softly. “There’s just this insane, fucked to hell thing we have. Brothers, best friends, rivals, lovers. It’s all the same.” Sam took a deep breath. “I…figured you knew…but there, it’s just…what it is.”
Jim nodded slowly. “I suspected before now. I knew after I got here though.”
“I’m sorry, I realize it probably makes you uncomfortable.” Sam sighed and hobbled over to the bed.
“This isn’t about my comfort Sam, it’s about you and Dean and healing from this terrible, horrific thing that’s happened to you.”
“I used to imagine Dad finding out. I figured he’d freak out, kick us out…sometimes I wondered if he’d blame Dean.”
“Because he’s older?”
Sam nodded. “It wasn’t his fault though. I knew he’d never say no to me…I was the one who pursued it. I was the one who pushed him.”
“Your brother loves you Sam. It’s an incredible thing really, the love you two have for one another. It’s probably the only thing that’s going to get you both through this. But you have to start dealing with it, not just pretending you’re okay.”
Sam nodded and pulled the cast up on the bed, slipping long fingers into the top of it to scratch. “I know. It…isn’t easy.”
Jim smiled at that. “I don’t expect it is.”
Sam licked his lips. “When you asked me…before…if Dean touched me…” His mouth was dry and he could feel his heart hammering in his chest. “He…I let him…but…it was too soon…too much. He needed to tell me something…and…and he’s never been big with words…you know?”
It was all right there, just below the surface and if he breathed deep enough it would flow into his veins. “I…didn’t want to. I couldn’t tell him though.”
“So you let him touch you?”
Sam nodded again, closing his eyes. “He…was trying to apologize…for being angry about Jessica. He was aroused…and that meant he’d overcome some of the programming…and I’d…shut him down earlier…I couldn’t’…I couldn’t say no.” Sam was starting to pant, feeling fingers on his body. “But…it was too much…and I couldn’t pretend….it was…it was like being there all over again…and I felt guilty.”
“Guilty? What did you feel guilty for Sam?”
“Because he…endured so much more than I did…and I couldn’t tell him that I knew…and I couldn’t help how I reacted…”
“You seem to think that because Dean was there longer, that he had more abuse piled on to him that you are somehow not entitled to react to what happened to you.”
“He was gone a year before I found him. When I found him…” Sam took a deep breath. “God, he was…and now that I’ve seen…what it took to break him. How can the four days I was there even begin to compare?”
Jim crossed to the bed, sitting slowly. “What you need to understand Sam is that no matter if you were there one day or a thousand…whether you were raped once or a dozen times, you have every right to react…You shouldn’t compare yourself to Dean.”
“You’re awfully quiet.” Ellen said, glancing aside at Caleb.
Caleb nodded. “Don’t have much to say.” He stared out the window, though it was dark and there was nothing to see.
“You okay?”
“Don’t know.”
“That’s not any kind of answer.”
“You want me to explain what happened, and I don’t know that I can.”
“You let that boy-“
“He’s more of a man than you imagine, Ellen. He…he was almost frightening in there with Gorlian.”
“Still, Caleb…he’s eighteen.”
Caleb nodded. “I know. I can’t explain it. He…he was…” He closed his eyes, remembering the look in Gabe’s eyes in the meadow, the way his fingers were gentle as he undid the collar and slipped it off his neck. “He was right…I would never have been able to live with it if I’d done it.”
“But he can?”
Caleb shrugged. “Honestly? I don’t know.” He sighed and looked at her. “I don’t know, Ellen. I’ve never been this unsure of myself.”
Gabe stiffened in his sleep and Allen sighed. Bobby followed Ellen’s tail lights and they were making good time. They should make the cabin by midnight.
There was no sign of being followed, and the news was filled with stories about an FBI sting operation in Austin that was likely to lead to the arrests of several prominent businessmen. No word yet on a dead body found outside of Austin…but then a single murder probably wouldn’t make the national news, and they were far enough outside of Texas that they weren’t getting regional stuff anymore.
“He’s a good kid, Allen. With a good head on his shoulders. He’ll be fine.”
Allen nodded. “I’m his father, I’m supposed to worry.”
“I know.” Bobby pressed his lips together and stared out at the road.
Allen kicked himself. “I’m sorry.”
“I wish everyone would stop apologizing. Robert got what he deserved. My only regret is that I let Sam do it, when I should have done it myself.” Bobby thrummed his fingers on the steering wheel, then deftly changed the subject. “I’ve been thinking.”
“Yeah?”
Bobby nodded. “About the cabin, and somebody watching. What if the reason Gabe didn’t find anything is that they aren’t doing it remotely. What if they’re using good old fashioned eyeballing?”
“No electronics to detect.” Allen nodded. “Harder to trace, especially if they’re good.”
“That’s what I was thinking.”
“And we know they’re good. No one plays John Winchester like that.”
“Or Dean for that matter.” Bobby glanced aside at Allen. “We also have to consider that we only have one of the three Gorlians. Granted, we have who we assume is the head guy…but, the others can’t be forgotten.”
“No…that reminds me. In the heat of everything I forgot.” He pulled out his phone and dialed quickly. “Hey, Joe, Allen.” He held up his hand when he saw Bobby’s question. “Did you confirm? Okay. Get back to me when you do.” He sighed explosively. “We have reason to believe that the youngest, Terrance, the one Sam tangled with in NY, was at the facility in Florida. If he was, he’s dead.”
“Joe’s working it?”
Allen nodded. “I called him when things went bad. Knew we’d need back up to do the clean up. He’s getting more information as the coroner’s office works through the bodies.”
“So…maybe we only have one more out there?”
Allen shrugged. “Maybe.”
“You want the rest?”
Allen raised an eyebrow as he looked at the older man. “Rest?”
“I told you, I’ve been thinking.”
“Yeah, okay…what’s the rest?”
“We need to go back to the beginning. Maybe Robert wasn’t the only one who was involved.”
“What are you saying?”
“How many people knew we were going to that cabin? Ellen didn’t even tell us until we were nearly there. I assume she had to tell Andrew, since it’s his place and all.”
“Are you suggesting that Andrew is involved?
“I’m suggesting someone is. Someone who knows the cabin. Someone who knew we were there. Someone patient and capable of hunting hunters.”
“I don’t know if I can fathom that. I mean…I know Andrew. I’ve hunted with Andrew.”
“There is one other person…but even I can’t wrap my head around that.”
Allen shook his head. “Pastor Jim?”
“The DVDs did appear just when he did…but…I mean…I’d trust Jim with my life.”
“No, it isn’t…it can’t be…” Allen shook his head. “He’d have had ample opportunities over the years. I can’t fathom Jim being involved in anything like this.”
“There is one other option.” Gabe said softly from the back seat. He sat up slowly, his face pale, his father’s jacket pulled tight around him. “We never did check Sam or Dean for…devices, trackers. Maybe Gorlian had them tagged.”
“If Dean were tagged, they would have found them a whole lot faster, and Tulsa would have been a whole lot cleaner.” Bobby said.
“Not if they tagged him when he gave himself up.” Gabe said. “I was only looking for our device, not others. I never swept him, just the house, the woods. By that point we’d hurt them pretty bad. Maybe they decided to change their tactic, go after John directly.”
“Where it would hurt the most.” Allen murmured. He had to admit, it was possible.
“From the time I spent with him, Gorlian seems to be highly intelligent, but he thinks he’s smarter than other people. Whatever his personal vendetta against John, he’s been pretty single minded. He’s been planning this for years…the infrastructure he’s built to pull this off is incredible.”
“I thought we decided Gorlian isn’t the top of the organization.”
Gabe inhaled deeply. “Whoever does his computer stuff is damn good. I’ll have to do some more digging…but that could be a ruse.”
The car was quiet for a while then Gabe sighed and settled back against the seat. “You okay?” Allen asked, reaching over the seat to touch his son’s knee. Gabe nodded, but didn’t meet his gaze.
“I need to pee.”
Allen smiled and nodded. “We’ll stop at the next rest stop.” He flipped his phone open to call Ellen and let her know. Gabe pulled the jacket closer and curled in on himself until he was laying down again. He wanted to close his eyes, wanted to sleep…but he didn’t want the dreams…the endless cycle of rape and beatings and red hands. Under the jacket, where his father wouldn’t see, he rubbed his hands together, pulling at the blood he knew wasn’t there.