Mine, Supernatural, NC-17
Fandom: Supernatural
Title: Mine
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Dean, John, Caleb
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3780
Summary: A sequel to Anything which was a Christmas request from nanakomatsu, Nothing, Something, To Be Good, Broken, To Be Strong, Nothing, No One, Alone and Yours. The Winchesters arrive at Bobby's with Caleb and everything continues to unravel...
A/Ns and Warnings: Slave!Dean, torture and rape...not exactly pretty stuff here.
It wasn’t quite dawn when Caleb guided the car into Bobby’s yard. All three Winchesters were sleeping. Caleb sighed as John stirred beside him. “We’re here,” he said softly.
John stretched and glanced behind him at his boys, before turning to stare at the house. Truth was, he still didn’t know if he could trust anyone. Truth was, he was scared to find out. But no one was going to stroll onto Bobby’s property without them knowing about it…between the dog and the protection spells John himself had helped Bobby set years before.
He got out of the car and hesitated. Bobby was usually up with the dawn, unless he’d been out the night before. John shook his head and went to the door, knocking before he could lose his nerve. When Bobby opened the door a few minutes later, his eyes narrowed, then swept over Caleb standing next to the car. “John?”
“We need…the boys are…damn it, Bobby, I need your help.”
“What’s wrong with the boys?” Bobby pushed past him and out to the car.
“It’s a long story, Bobby. Sam’s been shot, Dean…” John cleared his throat. “It doesn’t matter. We need someplace to crash while they get back on their feet.”
“Yeah,…yeah…come on, I’ll help you get them inside.”
“Help Caleb with Sammy. I can managed Dean.” John said. He watched a minute while Caleb and Bobby got Sam out of the car and headed for the house. He turned to Dean and sighed. Dean’s eyes fluttered open and John jumped.
“We’re here.” John said, knowing that wouldn’t mean much to his son. “Out of the car.”
Dean kept his head bowed, his hands in front of him as he climbed out. John didn’t know what to say or do beyond telling Dean to go inside, show him to a room. Then what? How was he going to explain all of this? “Come on, Dean. I’ll show you where the bathroom is.” He promised him that much…and if it would ease the stress and anxiety on Dean’s face, then it was worth something.
They passed the room where Caleb was checking Sam’s wounds with Bobby hovering nearby, and into the room that was generally John’s when he stayed here. It was a guest room with it’s own private bathroom. It wasn’t much of a bathroom, but it had a shower and Bobby kept the cabinet stocked with clean toothbrushes and razors and other necessities.
John fetched some towels from the hall closet on his way into the room and set them on the sink. “Here you go, Son. Everything you need is here. I’m going to check on Sam and talk to Bobby. I’ll come back to see you after your done, okay?”
“I’ll be ready for you, sir.” Dean said.
John sighed and tugged a hand through his hair. “Yeah, okay.” He left the room then, with Dean removing his clothes and went to check on his other son.
Sam was awake, he could tell that from the door. Bobby stopped him, dragging him back into the hall. “That’s a bit more than shot.”
John had never felt so tired. “It’s an incredibly long story, Bobby.”
“That’s what Caleb said. Also said that I should hear it from you.”
“You will. I promise. Right now, I need to see to Sam. It’s been a long night.”
Bobby nodded. “I just want to know what I can expect to come chasing up your tailpipe.”
John shrugged. “Human, mostly. Sam said that there were…other things, but all I’ve seen so far have been human.”
Bobby nodded again. “Okay. I’ll go put coffee on.”
John watched him go and sighed heavily before pushing into the room with Sam and Caleb. “Dad. Where’s Dean?”
“You’re barely conscious and that’s the first thing you ask?”
“Dad.” Somehow he managed to sound threatening, even though his face was white with dark sunken circles under his eyes and a cold sweat slicked over his face.
“He’s…in the shower. He had a fit on the side of the road last night because there wasn’t any water.
Sam nodded. “It’s a huge part of the conditioning. Whenever he wakes up, he’s supposed to…I’m not sure…he’s got a whole ritual he goes through. If he doesn’t he can’t function.”
Caleb stood and stretched. “I think this is where I’ll leave you two and go get Bobby up to speed.”
John stood too, reaching out a hand for Caleb’s. “I don’t know how to thank you Caleb.”
Caleb pulled him into a hug. “No need. It’s what friends are for.”
“Dad…how is he? Dean I mean.” Sam asked when Caleb was gone. “He was so…I couldn’t touch him. He…” Sam closed his eyes. “I don’t know if he’ll let me help him anymore.”
John nodded, pacing around the bed. “I-how do I answer that Sam? My son is…broken…he’s…he needs someone to tell him he belongs…to belong to someone. Shit Sam. I don’t know how you dealt with it.”
Sam stiffened and sat up a little. “Dad? Did you…does he…does he think you own him now?”
“I had to tell him something Sam. He was completely freaking out. I didn’t actually say it…told him he had always been mine, my son.”
Sam exhaled loudly. “Shit. Are you ready for what this means?”
John stopped his pacing and turned back to Sam. “What do you mean?”
Sam looked away and tried to adjust himself on the bed. He hurt, his head throbbed, his nose was better now that Caleb had taped it down…but the wound on his right side was still oozing…and just thinking about how his father would react…”He’s going to expect you to…use him.”
Sam swallowed and tried not to picture Dean kneeling on the bed for inspection, his hands holding his ass open…the faint glistening of lube. “Especially after the morning ritual. When you go back to him, he’ll be waiting for you to inspect him, make sure that he did a good job preparing himself.”
“Stop.” John turned away. “I can’t hear this.”
“You have to. You have to be prepared, or you’re going to do more damage than good.”
“I’m not…I’m not inspecting him, Sam…like he’s some fucking animal?”
Sam nodded slowly. “Exactly. That’s what they’ve trained him to think he is, Dad. Right now his entire self worth is wrapped up in pleasing his owner…his master. And you’ve let him think that you are his owner. So, he’s going to need to please you.”
“Fuck!” John walked to the window, staring out at the yard of cars and car parts and remnants of metal monsters. “What…what do I do, Sam?”
“Be gentle, but firm. He won’t understand you not wanting to use him…It’s going to confuse him. Find things he can do.” Sam swallowed hard against a sudden jealousy, a fear that he’d lose Dean…that he’d lost him already to their father. “Things that aren’t…you know…sexual. It…placates him.” He cleared his throat. “But he’s…sneaky….he’ll try…he’ll…shit.” Sam grimaced and held his side. “He’ll keep trying.”
John was at his side, pulling his hands aside. “Sam, you’ve got it bleeding again. You really need to lay down. I’m going to have to stitch it. Lay still. I’ll be back with the med kit.”
Dean took extra care with his shaving, lest he damage himself further. He was already due punishment for the gravel he’d had to pick out of his hands. He didn’t want to risk more…especially not knowing how his father…his…owner…He blinked at himself in the mirror. It felt wrong. Something…just wasn’t right. He swallowed and blinked and went back to finishing his task. Concentration was important. He had to be good. Had to make it right.
He finished shaving and washed his face, checking for nicks. He combed his hair. His hands hurt, but he ignored them. He’d taken far too long getting clean and ready. He needed to finish. Needed to prepare. He’d found lube in the nightstand and set it out, waiting for him. He walked into the bedroom, smoothed the comforter so that there were no remaining wrinkles. He walked around the room, tidying little things, before returning to the nightstand.
He squeezed out a small amount of lube and worked it into his fingers. No messes, just enough to make it easier. He leaned over, one hand on the night stand while the other moved against his ass, pushing inside. Two fingers. It had been a while since Sam had touched him there…not that he was tight…not anymore. Still, he pushed his fingers in and moved them around, opened them, spread them, loosening himself up.
He heard footsteps and looked up. His breath quickened. He moved to the end of the bed and knelt on the floor, head down, hands in his lap. The door opened and he heard his father gasp, then close the door.
“Dean, I don’t…I don’t want you to kneel.”
Dean closed his eyes, his heart clenching. His father didn’t want him. “Stand up Dean.”
Dean stood, keeping his head down. “I am ready for you. I’m clean. I was careful. I was good. Please.”
John came a little closer. “I’m sure you did good, Dean.”
“Please, let me show you.”
“Dean…” John didn’t touch him. Dean got the impression he wasn’t even looking at him. “You…you should put some…clothes on. I’ll go get your bag.”
“Dad? Please.” It was wrong, to speak out like that, but if he left the room, Dean wasn’t sure what he would do. “Please….I need…to…I’m not sure what to do.”
“To tell the truth, Dean, I don’t know what to do either.”
“I-I could…I mean, I’m ready to…” Dean bit his lip and turned so his back was to his father. “If I’m yours…I need to please you. May I?” He put one knee up on the bed and bent forward, exposing himself. “May I please you?”
Silence hung in the room and Dean closed his eyes. He almost started when he felt a hand on his bare back, almost. Never flinch
“You are my son, Dean. My son. Do you understand?” John’s voice quavered a little.
It felt like he was being rejected…like he was being denied. “I love you, Dean. I-I want you to know I really do.”
Dean swallowed the sob. “I’m not good enough? I tried. I’ll try harder.” He could do better. He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong, but he could be better.
“No Dean. You did real good. I’m proud of you. Here, sit down.” John’s hand on his shoulder turned him and Dean sat on the bed. “I…I have something I need you to do, okay? Because you did real good. Just hold on.” John crossed to the door and opened it, calling down the hall. “Caleb? Did you bring the bags in?”
Dean couldn’t see into the hallway, but he heard voices and when John stepped back into the room and closed the door, he had the small duffle bag Sam had given to Dean. “Pay attention Dean, okay? I want you to get dressed.”
“Is this like Sam’s rule?”
John blinked at him. “Sam’s rule?”
Dean nodded. “Sam gave me rules. Are you going to give me rules?”
John looked sick as he turned away. “What…what rules?”
Dean was uncomfortable, but he tried not to fidget. “He told me I had to always wear at least underwear…unless he told me something else.”
John nodded. “Yes, that will be our rule. I prefer you wear more though…I want you to wear what you want, Dean. Unless I tell you otherwise. Can we do that?”
“You want me to choose?” Dean felt a sense of wonder at the thought, his hand brushing over the bag.
John smiled at him and nodded. “Yeah, Dean. You choose. Okay?”
Dean nodded. “I’m going to wait in the hallway Dean. You get dressed and come out there, okay?”
Dean’s hand hovered over the bag. He didn’t have much to choose from, but he had to choose right. He opened it and carefully pulled out the pair of sweatpants that were really too big for him and the two pairs of jeans Sam had bought for him. There were three t-shirts, one gray, one blue, one white…and boxers. He laid them all out on the bed.
He chose a pair of boxers first, pulling them on carefully. The jeans were harder…he wasn’t sure why. Finally he picked the darker of the two and pulled them on. Last was the shirt, the gray shirt. He pulled it over his head and settled it down over his naked chest. He took a deep breath as he zipped up the jeans and turned for the door. He opened it and John jumped.
“Is it okay?” Dean asked and he was relieved with his father smiled.
“Yes Dean, it’s good.” John closed his eyes and Dean though he looked tired. “Come on.” He took Dean’s wrist and led him down the hall and opened the door to Sam’s room. Dean’s breath caught as he saw Sam. He was white and sweaty and it gnawed into Dean’s stomach.
“Dean, I have to go downstairs and talk to Bobby. I have to get some sleep. I need someone to keep an eye on Sam. Do you think you could do that?”
Dean looked at his father. “You…want me to…take care of him?” Sam had tried to take care of him. Sam had come for him. “I don’t know if I can.”
John clapped a hand to his shoulder. “I know you can. He’s going to sleep for a while, because I gave him some medicine. I need you to sit with him. Keep him company.”
Dean nodded. He could do that. John pulled back the blanket. “Check his bandages for bleeding. If you see blood, come get me or Caleb.” Dean nodded again. “If he wakes up and is in pain, come get us too.” John smiled at Dean and took his hand. “Can you do that for me Dean? It would make me very happy.”
“I can. I’ll take care of him. I’ll be good for you.”
John left his two sons in the room and went down the narrow staircase of the old house, getting to the bottom before he started to fall apart. He sat down heavily three steps from the bottom, burying his face in his hands. The sight of Dean bent over, expecting…Sam had warned him… but nothing would have prepared him for that. It made all the rest…it filled his head with images of those men and Dean.
It was too much. And Sam had…John swallowed. He didn’t want to think about what Sam may or may not have done.
“John?”
He looked up. “Yeah, Bobby.”
“Hungry? I got breakfast.”
“I don’t think I can eat. But coffee would be good.”
He followed his friend into the kitchen where Caleb was already cradling a cup of coffee. “Caleb gave me the over view.” Bobby said as he poured a cup of dark coffee and handed it to John. “Do you really think someone you know set you up?”
John sighed and sank onto a chair beside Caleb. “I don’t know. Sam does.” And Sam knew so much more about this than he did. “What about what I called you about? Did you find anything?”
Bobby nodded. “The Gorlian brothers. Three of them. Got property in four states, warehouses, a ranch, offices.”
“New York? Rochester?” John asked and Bobby nodded. “That’s where Sam found him.” He held the coffee cup to his face, feeling the warmth as the steam rose over his lips. It felt surprisingly comforting. “I’ve never…wanted to kill someone more. If…when I find out who did this, I’m going to tear him apart.”
“Let us work on finding them, John.” Bobby said. “From the looks of things, your boys need you.”
John’s jaw tightened. “No one can know we’re here, Bobby. If Sam’s right…if they found us in Tulsa because I was calling contacts…wait. It has to be someone I called.”
He got up and went to his bag sitting by the stairs. He pulled out his journal. “There’s about 6 people, other than the two of you.” It wasn’t lost on him that he could still be sitting with the one who betrayed him…that one of these two could be just waiting for the right time to tear his world apart again. “Pastor Jim. Ellen. Joshua.” He put the journal down on the table, opened to the page he’d started notes on.
“You called Ellen?” Bobby asked, surprise coloring his voice. “Now I know it’s serious.”
John made a face. “She has more contacts…she knows more hunters. We’re going to need…” His hands were shaking as he raised his cup. “It’s too big…and they’re taking hunters…”
“Easy, John. I’m sure Ellen will help.”
“I’m not.” John said. “She wasn’t very happy to hear from me.”
“She still blames you.”
John nodded and took a sip of his coffee. “Yeah.”
“You don’t think she-“ Caleb stopped and shook his head. “No, she’s angry…but she’s not the kind to…she wouldn’t sell you out like that.”
“That’s just it, Caleb. No one on this list is someone I would expect to sell us out. I trust these people with my life. With the lives of my boys. We may not be friends…but I trust them.” He put the coffee down and pushed his hands through his hair. “Fuck, I’m tired.”
Bobby pulled the journal to him. “You and Caleb get some sleep. Caleb, you can use Robert’s old room at the end of the hall. I’ll make some discreet calls, gather some information.” John opened his mouth and Bobby held up his hand. “No one will know you’re here John. You and your boys are safe here. I promise you.”
“Dean?”
He turned from the window, then crossed to the bed. “I’m supposed to take care of you.” Dean said.
“I’m okay.” Sam didn’t look okay, but Dean knew better than to say that. “Where’s Dad?”
Dean shifted a little uncomfortably. “Sleeping. He was very tired. I think…I think I made him unhappy.”
Sam shook his head. “No Dean. I’m sure he’s very happy with you. Just like I am. You saved us, you know?”
“Me?” Dean moved the blanket to check the bandages. “No blood. No blood is good.” He nodded and put the blankets back. “He told me to check.”
Sam smiled at him. “Yes, Dean. When you shot that bastard, you saved us. He was going to hurt me, but you stopped him. Just like you always do. You’re a good big brother.”
“I hurt him…so he couldn’t…” Dean closed his eyes. He could feel the gun in his hand, feel the recoil. It had felt so good…and terrifying. “I hurt him. Master would punish me if he knew.”
“He deserved worse, Dean…after everything he did to you.”
Dean nodded, though he wasn’t sure he believed it. Everything was so mixed up…so confusing. Dean toyed with the blanket under his hand. “Are you in pain? He told me to get him if you were, so he could give you more medicine.”
“No, I’m good.”
“Can I ask you something?” Dean didn’t look at him.
“Yes, Dean.”
“Am I…ugly?”
“What?” The tone of his voice made Dean wince.
“You…didn’t want me to…please you. He won’t let me either. I don’t…understand.” He turned to lean against the bed. “I try to be good. I try to do what I’m supposed to. He cried.”
“He what?”
Dean hung his head. “Last night. I was supposed to be asleep. He cried. I heard him.” It was all a jumble. The sobbing from the front seat, the memories of Sam as a child…of his father telling him to take care of his brother, the rules, the need to please. “He told me to pick my clothes. Said I was his. I was yours. I lost the collar. I lost you. I wanted it to be you Sam. You know, you understand.” He looked up, realizing he’d said that out loud. “I’m sorry. I’m not supposed to want. Not supposed to talk like that.”
Sam sat up, his hand sliding over Dean’s. “It’s okay Dean. It’s okay. I’m not lost. I’m right here. I just…I’m not able to take care of you right now.” He swallowed as Dean’s hand clenched under his. “You aren’t ugly and you aren’t bad. You’re beautiful,…my beautiful brother Dean. I am so incredibly proud of you.”
“He said I’d always been his. You told me that too. I think you mean it different than he does.” It was slowly starting to make sense. “You kissed me. You let me touch you.” His fingers brushed his lips. “We kissed before I…went away…before you left for school.”
Sam nodded. “Yes, we did.”
“He doesn’t know.” Dean had vague memories of frantic touching and bodies sliding together on twin beds that were too small for one of them…of late night groping in the back of the impala. “It was wrong.”
“No…” Sam reached for his face, but he pulled away.
“No touching.” Dean went back to the window, his back to Sam.
“Dean, I don’t want you to be angry.”
“Not angry.” He wasn’t, he was lost, confused. His memory was flooding him with emotions and images and it was dizzying. “It made me sick…you left me and I was sick…inside…I knew it was wrong…hid it from him…but I wanted you…all that time I wanted you…wanted him to be you…then it was you and you wanted me too…and now…it’s wrong again and I don’t know what to do…because I still want it to be you.”
Sam slipped out of bed, despite the pain and dizziness. He crossed to the window to stand beside him. “I have always wanted you Dean…and I always will. I gave myself to you when I was fifteen. Do you remember?” He let one hand touch Dean’s back. “I wanted it to be you too…when I thought…when he held me down…before you saved me. I wanted it to be you.”
Dean’s eyes were wide with wonder as he looked at Sam. “Mine? You…”
Sam nodded, meeting those eyes with his own. “Is that okay? Can I be?” He sank to his knees, holding Dean’s hand and kissing it gently. “Please Dean?”
Very solemnly, Dean nodded, his free hand brushing through Sam’s hair. “I’ll be good to you, Sammy. I’ll take care of you.”
Sam blinked back the tears and pressed his lips to Dean’s hand. “I know you will, Dean. I know.”
Title: Mine
Characters/Pairings: Sam/Dean, John, Caleb
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 3780
Summary: A sequel to Anything which was a Christmas request from nanakomatsu, Nothing, Something, To Be Good, Broken, To Be Strong, Nothing, No One, Alone and Yours. The Winchesters arrive at Bobby's with Caleb and everything continues to unravel...
A/Ns and Warnings: Slave!Dean, torture and rape...not exactly pretty stuff here.
It wasn’t quite dawn when Caleb guided the car into Bobby’s yard. All three Winchesters were sleeping. Caleb sighed as John stirred beside him. “We’re here,” he said softly.
John stretched and glanced behind him at his boys, before turning to stare at the house. Truth was, he still didn’t know if he could trust anyone. Truth was, he was scared to find out. But no one was going to stroll onto Bobby’s property without them knowing about it…between the dog and the protection spells John himself had helped Bobby set years before.
He got out of the car and hesitated. Bobby was usually up with the dawn, unless he’d been out the night before. John shook his head and went to the door, knocking before he could lose his nerve. When Bobby opened the door a few minutes later, his eyes narrowed, then swept over Caleb standing next to the car. “John?”
“We need…the boys are…damn it, Bobby, I need your help.”
“What’s wrong with the boys?” Bobby pushed past him and out to the car.
“It’s a long story, Bobby. Sam’s been shot, Dean…” John cleared his throat. “It doesn’t matter. We need someplace to crash while they get back on their feet.”
“Yeah,…yeah…come on, I’ll help you get them inside.”
“Help Caleb with Sammy. I can managed Dean.” John said. He watched a minute while Caleb and Bobby got Sam out of the car and headed for the house. He turned to Dean and sighed. Dean’s eyes fluttered open and John jumped.
“We’re here.” John said, knowing that wouldn’t mean much to his son. “Out of the car.”
Dean kept his head bowed, his hands in front of him as he climbed out. John didn’t know what to say or do beyond telling Dean to go inside, show him to a room. Then what? How was he going to explain all of this? “Come on, Dean. I’ll show you where the bathroom is.” He promised him that much…and if it would ease the stress and anxiety on Dean’s face, then it was worth something.
They passed the room where Caleb was checking Sam’s wounds with Bobby hovering nearby, and into the room that was generally John’s when he stayed here. It was a guest room with it’s own private bathroom. It wasn’t much of a bathroom, but it had a shower and Bobby kept the cabinet stocked with clean toothbrushes and razors and other necessities.
John fetched some towels from the hall closet on his way into the room and set them on the sink. “Here you go, Son. Everything you need is here. I’m going to check on Sam and talk to Bobby. I’ll come back to see you after your done, okay?”
“I’ll be ready for you, sir.” Dean said.
John sighed and tugged a hand through his hair. “Yeah, okay.” He left the room then, with Dean removing his clothes and went to check on his other son.
Sam was awake, he could tell that from the door. Bobby stopped him, dragging him back into the hall. “That’s a bit more than shot.”
John had never felt so tired. “It’s an incredibly long story, Bobby.”
“That’s what Caleb said. Also said that I should hear it from you.”
“You will. I promise. Right now, I need to see to Sam. It’s been a long night.”
Bobby nodded. “I just want to know what I can expect to come chasing up your tailpipe.”
John shrugged. “Human, mostly. Sam said that there were…other things, but all I’ve seen so far have been human.”
Bobby nodded again. “Okay. I’ll go put coffee on.”
John watched him go and sighed heavily before pushing into the room with Sam and Caleb. “Dad. Where’s Dean?”
“You’re barely conscious and that’s the first thing you ask?”
“Dad.” Somehow he managed to sound threatening, even though his face was white with dark sunken circles under his eyes and a cold sweat slicked over his face.
“He’s…in the shower. He had a fit on the side of the road last night because there wasn’t any water.
Sam nodded. “It’s a huge part of the conditioning. Whenever he wakes up, he’s supposed to…I’m not sure…he’s got a whole ritual he goes through. If he doesn’t he can’t function.”
Caleb stood and stretched. “I think this is where I’ll leave you two and go get Bobby up to speed.”
John stood too, reaching out a hand for Caleb’s. “I don’t know how to thank you Caleb.”
Caleb pulled him into a hug. “No need. It’s what friends are for.”
“Dad…how is he? Dean I mean.” Sam asked when Caleb was gone. “He was so…I couldn’t touch him. He…” Sam closed his eyes. “I don’t know if he’ll let me help him anymore.”
John nodded, pacing around the bed. “I-how do I answer that Sam? My son is…broken…he’s…he needs someone to tell him he belongs…to belong to someone. Shit Sam. I don’t know how you dealt with it.”
Sam stiffened and sat up a little. “Dad? Did you…does he…does he think you own him now?”
“I had to tell him something Sam. He was completely freaking out. I didn’t actually say it…told him he had always been mine, my son.”
Sam exhaled loudly. “Shit. Are you ready for what this means?”
John stopped his pacing and turned back to Sam. “What do you mean?”
Sam looked away and tried to adjust himself on the bed. He hurt, his head throbbed, his nose was better now that Caleb had taped it down…but the wound on his right side was still oozing…and just thinking about how his father would react…”He’s going to expect you to…use him.”
Sam swallowed and tried not to picture Dean kneeling on the bed for inspection, his hands holding his ass open…the faint glistening of lube. “Especially after the morning ritual. When you go back to him, he’ll be waiting for you to inspect him, make sure that he did a good job preparing himself.”
“Stop.” John turned away. “I can’t hear this.”
“You have to. You have to be prepared, or you’re going to do more damage than good.”
“I’m not…I’m not inspecting him, Sam…like he’s some fucking animal?”
Sam nodded slowly. “Exactly. That’s what they’ve trained him to think he is, Dad. Right now his entire self worth is wrapped up in pleasing his owner…his master. And you’ve let him think that you are his owner. So, he’s going to need to please you.”
“Fuck!” John walked to the window, staring out at the yard of cars and car parts and remnants of metal monsters. “What…what do I do, Sam?”
“Be gentle, but firm. He won’t understand you not wanting to use him…It’s going to confuse him. Find things he can do.” Sam swallowed hard against a sudden jealousy, a fear that he’d lose Dean…that he’d lost him already to their father. “Things that aren’t…you know…sexual. It…placates him.” He cleared his throat. “But he’s…sneaky….he’ll try…he’ll…shit.” Sam grimaced and held his side. “He’ll keep trying.”
John was at his side, pulling his hands aside. “Sam, you’ve got it bleeding again. You really need to lay down. I’m going to have to stitch it. Lay still. I’ll be back with the med kit.”
Dean took extra care with his shaving, lest he damage himself further. He was already due punishment for the gravel he’d had to pick out of his hands. He didn’t want to risk more…especially not knowing how his father…his…owner…He blinked at himself in the mirror. It felt wrong. Something…just wasn’t right. He swallowed and blinked and went back to finishing his task. Concentration was important. He had to be good. Had to make it right.
He finished shaving and washed his face, checking for nicks. He combed his hair. His hands hurt, but he ignored them. He’d taken far too long getting clean and ready. He needed to finish. Needed to prepare. He’d found lube in the nightstand and set it out, waiting for him. He walked into the bedroom, smoothed the comforter so that there were no remaining wrinkles. He walked around the room, tidying little things, before returning to the nightstand.
He squeezed out a small amount of lube and worked it into his fingers. No messes, just enough to make it easier. He leaned over, one hand on the night stand while the other moved against his ass, pushing inside. Two fingers. It had been a while since Sam had touched him there…not that he was tight…not anymore. Still, he pushed his fingers in and moved them around, opened them, spread them, loosening himself up.
He heard footsteps and looked up. His breath quickened. He moved to the end of the bed and knelt on the floor, head down, hands in his lap. The door opened and he heard his father gasp, then close the door.
“Dean, I don’t…I don’t want you to kneel.”
Dean closed his eyes, his heart clenching. His father didn’t want him. “Stand up Dean.”
Dean stood, keeping his head down. “I am ready for you. I’m clean. I was careful. I was good. Please.”
John came a little closer. “I’m sure you did good, Dean.”
“Please, let me show you.”
“Dean…” John didn’t touch him. Dean got the impression he wasn’t even looking at him. “You…you should put some…clothes on. I’ll go get your bag.”
“Dad? Please.” It was wrong, to speak out like that, but if he left the room, Dean wasn’t sure what he would do. “Please….I need…to…I’m not sure what to do.”
“To tell the truth, Dean, I don’t know what to do either.”
“I-I could…I mean, I’m ready to…” Dean bit his lip and turned so his back was to his father. “If I’m yours…I need to please you. May I?” He put one knee up on the bed and bent forward, exposing himself. “May I please you?”
Silence hung in the room and Dean closed his eyes. He almost started when he felt a hand on his bare back, almost. Never flinch
“You are my son, Dean. My son. Do you understand?” John’s voice quavered a little.
It felt like he was being rejected…like he was being denied. “I love you, Dean. I-I want you to know I really do.”
Dean swallowed the sob. “I’m not good enough? I tried. I’ll try harder.” He could do better. He wasn’t sure what he’d done wrong, but he could be better.
“No Dean. You did real good. I’m proud of you. Here, sit down.” John’s hand on his shoulder turned him and Dean sat on the bed. “I…I have something I need you to do, okay? Because you did real good. Just hold on.” John crossed to the door and opened it, calling down the hall. “Caleb? Did you bring the bags in?”
Dean couldn’t see into the hallway, but he heard voices and when John stepped back into the room and closed the door, he had the small duffle bag Sam had given to Dean. “Pay attention Dean, okay? I want you to get dressed.”
“Is this like Sam’s rule?”
John blinked at him. “Sam’s rule?”
Dean nodded. “Sam gave me rules. Are you going to give me rules?”
John looked sick as he turned away. “What…what rules?”
Dean was uncomfortable, but he tried not to fidget. “He told me I had to always wear at least underwear…unless he told me something else.”
John nodded. “Yes, that will be our rule. I prefer you wear more though…I want you to wear what you want, Dean. Unless I tell you otherwise. Can we do that?”
“You want me to choose?” Dean felt a sense of wonder at the thought, his hand brushing over the bag.
John smiled at him and nodded. “Yeah, Dean. You choose. Okay?”
Dean nodded. “I’m going to wait in the hallway Dean. You get dressed and come out there, okay?”
Dean’s hand hovered over the bag. He didn’t have much to choose from, but he had to choose right. He opened it and carefully pulled out the pair of sweatpants that were really too big for him and the two pairs of jeans Sam had bought for him. There were three t-shirts, one gray, one blue, one white…and boxers. He laid them all out on the bed.
He chose a pair of boxers first, pulling them on carefully. The jeans were harder…he wasn’t sure why. Finally he picked the darker of the two and pulled them on. Last was the shirt, the gray shirt. He pulled it over his head and settled it down over his naked chest. He took a deep breath as he zipped up the jeans and turned for the door. He opened it and John jumped.
“Is it okay?” Dean asked and he was relieved with his father smiled.
“Yes Dean, it’s good.” John closed his eyes and Dean though he looked tired. “Come on.” He took Dean’s wrist and led him down the hall and opened the door to Sam’s room. Dean’s breath caught as he saw Sam. He was white and sweaty and it gnawed into Dean’s stomach.
“Dean, I have to go downstairs and talk to Bobby. I have to get some sleep. I need someone to keep an eye on Sam. Do you think you could do that?”
Dean looked at his father. “You…want me to…take care of him?” Sam had tried to take care of him. Sam had come for him. “I don’t know if I can.”
John clapped a hand to his shoulder. “I know you can. He’s going to sleep for a while, because I gave him some medicine. I need you to sit with him. Keep him company.”
Dean nodded. He could do that. John pulled back the blanket. “Check his bandages for bleeding. If you see blood, come get me or Caleb.” Dean nodded again. “If he wakes up and is in pain, come get us too.” John smiled at Dean and took his hand. “Can you do that for me Dean? It would make me very happy.”
“I can. I’ll take care of him. I’ll be good for you.”
John left his two sons in the room and went down the narrow staircase of the old house, getting to the bottom before he started to fall apart. He sat down heavily three steps from the bottom, burying his face in his hands. The sight of Dean bent over, expecting…Sam had warned him… but nothing would have prepared him for that. It made all the rest…it filled his head with images of those men and Dean.
It was too much. And Sam had…John swallowed. He didn’t want to think about what Sam may or may not have done.
“John?”
He looked up. “Yeah, Bobby.”
“Hungry? I got breakfast.”
“I don’t think I can eat. But coffee would be good.”
He followed his friend into the kitchen where Caleb was already cradling a cup of coffee. “Caleb gave me the over view.” Bobby said as he poured a cup of dark coffee and handed it to John. “Do you really think someone you know set you up?”
John sighed and sank onto a chair beside Caleb. “I don’t know. Sam does.” And Sam knew so much more about this than he did. “What about what I called you about? Did you find anything?”
Bobby nodded. “The Gorlian brothers. Three of them. Got property in four states, warehouses, a ranch, offices.”
“New York? Rochester?” John asked and Bobby nodded. “That’s where Sam found him.” He held the coffee cup to his face, feeling the warmth as the steam rose over his lips. It felt surprisingly comforting. “I’ve never…wanted to kill someone more. If…when I find out who did this, I’m going to tear him apart.”
“Let us work on finding them, John.” Bobby said. “From the looks of things, your boys need you.”
John’s jaw tightened. “No one can know we’re here, Bobby. If Sam’s right…if they found us in Tulsa because I was calling contacts…wait. It has to be someone I called.”
He got up and went to his bag sitting by the stairs. He pulled out his journal. “There’s about 6 people, other than the two of you.” It wasn’t lost on him that he could still be sitting with the one who betrayed him…that one of these two could be just waiting for the right time to tear his world apart again. “Pastor Jim. Ellen. Joshua.” He put the journal down on the table, opened to the page he’d started notes on.
“You called Ellen?” Bobby asked, surprise coloring his voice. “Now I know it’s serious.”
John made a face. “She has more contacts…she knows more hunters. We’re going to need…” His hands were shaking as he raised his cup. “It’s too big…and they’re taking hunters…”
“Easy, John. I’m sure Ellen will help.”
“I’m not.” John said. “She wasn’t very happy to hear from me.”
“She still blames you.”
John nodded and took a sip of his coffee. “Yeah.”
“You don’t think she-“ Caleb stopped and shook his head. “No, she’s angry…but she’s not the kind to…she wouldn’t sell you out like that.”
“That’s just it, Caleb. No one on this list is someone I would expect to sell us out. I trust these people with my life. With the lives of my boys. We may not be friends…but I trust them.” He put the coffee down and pushed his hands through his hair. “Fuck, I’m tired.”
Bobby pulled the journal to him. “You and Caleb get some sleep. Caleb, you can use Robert’s old room at the end of the hall. I’ll make some discreet calls, gather some information.” John opened his mouth and Bobby held up his hand. “No one will know you’re here John. You and your boys are safe here. I promise you.”
“Dean?”
He turned from the window, then crossed to the bed. “I’m supposed to take care of you.” Dean said.
“I’m okay.” Sam didn’t look okay, but Dean knew better than to say that. “Where’s Dad?”
Dean shifted a little uncomfortably. “Sleeping. He was very tired. I think…I think I made him unhappy.”
Sam shook his head. “No Dean. I’m sure he’s very happy with you. Just like I am. You saved us, you know?”
“Me?” Dean moved the blanket to check the bandages. “No blood. No blood is good.” He nodded and put the blankets back. “He told me to check.”
Sam smiled at him. “Yes, Dean. When you shot that bastard, you saved us. He was going to hurt me, but you stopped him. Just like you always do. You’re a good big brother.”
“I hurt him…so he couldn’t…” Dean closed his eyes. He could feel the gun in his hand, feel the recoil. It had felt so good…and terrifying. “I hurt him. Master would punish me if he knew.”
“He deserved worse, Dean…after everything he did to you.”
Dean nodded, though he wasn’t sure he believed it. Everything was so mixed up…so confusing. Dean toyed with the blanket under his hand. “Are you in pain? He told me to get him if you were, so he could give you more medicine.”
“No, I’m good.”
“Can I ask you something?” Dean didn’t look at him.
“Yes, Dean.”
“Am I…ugly?”
“What?” The tone of his voice made Dean wince.
“You…didn’t want me to…please you. He won’t let me either. I don’t…understand.” He turned to lean against the bed. “I try to be good. I try to do what I’m supposed to. He cried.”
“He what?”
Dean hung his head. “Last night. I was supposed to be asleep. He cried. I heard him.” It was all a jumble. The sobbing from the front seat, the memories of Sam as a child…of his father telling him to take care of his brother, the rules, the need to please. “He told me to pick my clothes. Said I was his. I was yours. I lost the collar. I lost you. I wanted it to be you Sam. You know, you understand.” He looked up, realizing he’d said that out loud. “I’m sorry. I’m not supposed to want. Not supposed to talk like that.”
Sam sat up, his hand sliding over Dean’s. “It’s okay Dean. It’s okay. I’m not lost. I’m right here. I just…I’m not able to take care of you right now.” He swallowed as Dean’s hand clenched under his. “You aren’t ugly and you aren’t bad. You’re beautiful,…my beautiful brother Dean. I am so incredibly proud of you.”
“He said I’d always been his. You told me that too. I think you mean it different than he does.” It was slowly starting to make sense. “You kissed me. You let me touch you.” His fingers brushed his lips. “We kissed before I…went away…before you left for school.”
Sam nodded. “Yes, we did.”
“He doesn’t know.” Dean had vague memories of frantic touching and bodies sliding together on twin beds that were too small for one of them…of late night groping in the back of the impala. “It was wrong.”
“No…” Sam reached for his face, but he pulled away.
“No touching.” Dean went back to the window, his back to Sam.
“Dean, I don’t want you to be angry.”
“Not angry.” He wasn’t, he was lost, confused. His memory was flooding him with emotions and images and it was dizzying. “It made me sick…you left me and I was sick…inside…I knew it was wrong…hid it from him…but I wanted you…all that time I wanted you…wanted him to be you…then it was you and you wanted me too…and now…it’s wrong again and I don’t know what to do…because I still want it to be you.”
Sam slipped out of bed, despite the pain and dizziness. He crossed to the window to stand beside him. “I have always wanted you Dean…and I always will. I gave myself to you when I was fifteen. Do you remember?” He let one hand touch Dean’s back. “I wanted it to be you too…when I thought…when he held me down…before you saved me. I wanted it to be you.”
Dean’s eyes were wide with wonder as he looked at Sam. “Mine? You…”
Sam nodded, meeting those eyes with his own. “Is that okay? Can I be?” He sank to his knees, holding Dean’s hand and kissing it gently. “Please Dean?”
Very solemnly, Dean nodded, his free hand brushing through Sam’s hair. “I’ll be good to you, Sammy. I’ll take care of you.”
Sam blinked back the tears and pressed his lips to Dean’s hand. “I know you will, Dean. I know.”