Fic: The Mostly True and Only Somewhat Exaggerated Adventures of Fanboi and Fruitfly | cwrps | j2
The Mostly True and Only Somewhat Exaggerated Adventures of Fanboi and Fruitfly
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: Adult
Summary: Jared was a teenaged fanboi of epic proportions.
Comments: Written for the lovely erin2326 for my first ever Sweet Charity contribution. Many thanks to wendy and madame_d for being the best betas ever and making me believe that I can still write J2, even if I have to cheat a little to do it.
Being seventeen and gay and in love with Jensen Ackles: Rock Sensation is problematic at best, but when you live in San Antonio, home of homophobic football players and the people who worship them, it pretty closely resembles hell. Not that Jared would change any of that, except for maybe the San Antonio thing. If he lived in Los Angeles or New York, he'd be almost normal.
"You'd also probably be a five dollar prostitute," Alexis tells him whenever he mentions it. "You'd be like one of those kids you see on those HBO at Night documentaries that are really just excuses to show naked jailbait. I tried to watch the one about pimps the other day. It was really fascinating, actually, but there's only so many times I can hear the word 'motherfucker' before I become desensitized to everything ever."
Jared just rolls his eyes and doodles in the margins of his trigonometry notebook-Mrs. Jared Ackles surrounded by hearts and flowers and tiny little music notes, because Jared doesn't just love Jensen for being ridiculously, incendiarily hot, but because of the music, too. Jensen's music is like-- it's like food for Jared's soul. It's like the macaroni and cheese of Jared's soul, it's that good. It's like Jensen knows him without ever having met him. Knows him intimately and deeply and someday, Jared hopes for that to be true.
Or just a good fuck. He'd take that, too.
"Do you want to be a prostitute, Jared?" Alexis's voice is so annoying. "Because that's what'll happen. Prostitution and drugs and then maybe you'll get some horrible VD because your tricks refuse to use condoms and you're too doped up to make them. That's what'll happen if you run away to New York."
"Still be better than here," Jared says, and Alexis rolls her eyes.
"No way you'd be able to afford Jensen tickets on a whore's salary."
Jared looks up at her and frowns. Damnit. She sort of has a point.
*
Sandy is so much more fun to talk about Jensen Stuff with, and she even helps Jared with his photo wall and shrine by providing endless month-old Tiger Beats and J-14s leftover unsold from her dad's convenience store. If it's a feature or something really important, Jared will buy the magazine new, but it's always good to have extra copies so he can keep one pristine for posterity and use the extras to cut up for the photo wall, which is actually the photo ceiling above his bunk bed. Now that his brother is away at college, Jared is free to do whatever he wants to the room, and mostly he wants as many pictures of Jensen directly above his head as possible.
"So," Sandy says, carefully snipping around the edges of a picture with her scissors, "this is, like, for masturbatory purposes, right?"
"What?" Jared says, flipping through this month's Teen People. There's a huge spread on the Backstreet Boys, which is really annoying because they're not even a tenth as awesome as Jensen and their music sucks, too. It's not deep like Jensen's. It's not about important things like, like almost committing suicide over a love affair gone wrong, or how you might feel like murder when someone cheats on you. Jared's never had anyone cheat on him, or really, he's never had anyone to be cheated on with, but he bets Jensen's version is pretty accurate. He sounds very sincere in the song, anyway.
"You know," Sandy says, raising one eyebrow. "It's not rocket science, okay. Like, we're putting these pictures right above your bed. Like, five feet from your face when you're lying down. So I'm just wondering-this is to jack off to, right? Toss the salad? Ride the meat pole?"
Jared makes a face and throws his pillow at her. He misses, of course, because he throws like a total gay boy even when it comes to pillows, and she laughs. "God Sandy, you're totally disgusting! Ride the-Jesus! What if my mom heard you? She'd never let you have supper here again."
Sandy laughs again and sticks her tongue out, wiggles it at the picture of Jensen she's working on. "Hey, you know what? There's nothing to be embarrassed about. All boys masturbate, and if I were a gay boy trapped in this fucking town without another gay boy in ten miles to practice on, I'd be beating the meat over Jensen, too. He's hot. I'd totally do him."
"Well you can't have him," Jared says, glaring and taking the picture from her. It's a really good one from last month's CosmoGirl's hottest twenty-five stars under twenty-five, and it's maybe Jared's favorite photo shoot yet, but that might just be because Jensen is either shirtless, wet, or both in most of the pictures. Jared wants to marry this photo shoot, it's so good. Instead, he pins the picture carefully to the ceiling, making sure it's positioned just above where his head will be when he lies down for optimum viewing range.
"You know he's probably not gay, right?" Sandy says. "Doesn't he have a girlfriend? Wasn't he dating like, a stripper or something?"
"She was a porn star. Well, not a star, really, unless you consider the ability to get gang banged and spooged all over for ninety minutes star material, but also, there's no way Jensen ever stuck his dick in her. She was a total beard. Believe me, the guy is gay. Why else would he date a porn star? Clearly, it's so that he can get away with not having sex with her, since that's like, her job."
Sandy snorts and climbs off the bed, reaches for her plastic bag of pilfered convenience store goods. "You're so far in denial, J, but it's kind of adorable. Just, you know, don't get so delusional you go all Selena on his ass. You would not do well in jail. Perfect bitch material."
"Shut up and tell me that you got the action figure this time."
"Normal rocker and color-changing hair editions."
"I forgive you for your trespasses against all that is Holy Jensen. Now, gimme."
*
Jared's shrine is sort of amazing, in his own humble and extremely credible opinion. He has every Jensen action figure ever made, except for the very rare and hard to find priest marionette, which he's only been searching for for like, two years. He's trolled every fan board and checks eBay on a daily basis, but no one seems to have it. He's beginning to think it's a myth or something perpetuated just torture him.
But otherwise, the Jensen Shrine is pretty much awesome. The action figures form a semi-circle around three candles Jared got at the HEB that originally had Jesus, Mary, and an angel emblazoned on them, but Jared pasted over their heads with Jensen's face. He has all his Jensen trading cards places strategically around the action figures, and his row of Jensen lip glosses right out in front, never opened, in all ten amazing flavors. As shrines built on bookcases go, it's definitely one of the best Jared's seen, only it's not creepy like, say, the shrine from Heavenly Creatures, which, for one thing, was dedicated to an ugly, scary old man, and for another, Jared's not a delusional semi-lesbian who has fantasies about clay people and plots to kill his mother with a brick in a stocking. Jared really loves his mother, actually, and not in the creepy way one might assume, either. She makes really good pie, for one thing, and also, she gave birth to him, so he's pretty grateful for that.
Also, Jared has absolutely zero interest in pussy. So he's definitely not like those psychotic girls in the movie. He maybe has a shrine, but it's more-it's more of a collection, really. He doesn't pray to it or anything, but he thinks Jensen would probably feel honored if he saw it. This is what Jared tells Chad the first time Chad sees the shrine.
"It's like, a form of flattery," Jared says. "His music means so much to me, I need, like, an outward expression of that or something."
Chad snorts. "Dude, no. It's creepy and weird and obsessive, is what it is. It's freaky. You have a fucking shrine to some lameass rockstar wannabe in your bedroom. There's nothing about that statement that's not ten millions kinds of wrong."
"Just because you can't appreciate the-"
"One, his music sucks. Two, I'm not gay. And three, even if I was, I wouldn't want to do him. I mean, if you have to be gay, J, you could at least choose, like, worthy guys to be gay for. Brad Pitt, okay? He's hot. I'm straight, but I've seen Thelma and Louise, so I know-that guy is fucking hot."
Jared grins. "You're straight, but you've seen Thelma and Louise?"
Chad coughs. "I have a thing for Susan Sarandon. Shut up. For an older lady, she's pretty fine, man."
Jared doesn't say anything else about the Shrine to Chad, though, because really, it's sort of an impossibility trying to convince a straight guy of the amazingness of Jensen Ackles. Plus, Chad is Jared's only guy friend, even if he is straight, and Jared doesn't really want to alienate him too much, otherwise he's looking at a senior year filled with nothing but Sandy and Alexis, which-no. They're nice and he likes having friends and all, but Sandy talks way too much about all the football players she's secretly fucking behind their girlfriend's backs (which would maybe be more exciting if her stories weren't filled with extremely descriptive straight sex, gross) and Alexis only wants to talk about school and college and applying to college, blah blah.
So Jared doesn't say anything else about the Shrine or Jensen or how really, the music is transcendent and revolutionary and Chad is just incapable of understanding it because he's a total philistine who enjoys gangsta rap and wears his hat backwards, so really, his opinion doesn’t even begin to matter. Not as long as Jared knows the truth.
*
Game days are Jared's absolute least favorite days at school. For one thing, the entire class schedule has to be rearranged so that they can have a mandatory pep rally at the end of the day, which means no free periods and combined lunches. Plus, they have to actually attend the pep rally, and there's only so long that Jared and Chad can mock the cheerleaders and make bets about which one will fall first before they get drowned out by the noise of the crowd, because apparently people are really excited about stupid football. So excited that they paint their faces and wear ridiculous outfits and make up songs and chants, like a big crowd of red and black zombie sheep who scream instead of bah. Loudly. And then they give you nasty looks if you don't join in, too.
"I feel like we're in one of those old movies about like, the town of kids with demon eyes who will cut you if you don't cooperate. It's totally sick," Jared says, trying very hard not to make eye contact with anyone who might notice his entire lack of enthusiasm and decide to stone him on the basketball court for being anti-school spirit.
Alexis snorts but doesn't look up from her book. "It's like being at a Jensen concert."
"Oh, you did not just say that! You did not just compare a Jensen Ackles rock extravaganza of awesomeness to this brainwashing bullshit."
Alexis looks up briefly, looks around at the crowd of students gathered on the bleachers around them. "Let's see," she says, "people wearing stupid, home-made outfits? Check. Face paint? Check. Screaming? Check. Worshipping of something completely unworthy of regard? Check." She raises one eyebrow. "I don't see a difference, Jared. Except at least this is free."
"Jensen is an artist," Jared says, ignoring Chad, who stares at Jared like he's crazy, which he is so not. He just recognizes the pure genius that is Jensen, and sometimes he thinks he's the only sane person in this damn town. "Plus," Jared adds, "he's a lot fucking hotter than the football team."
"Jensen is a hack who can barely sing and only knows three guitar chords," Alexis says, turning back to her book. She pauses. "But he is sort of hot."
So school is pretty horrible and even more fiercely horrible during football season, but when he complains about the sheep mentality to Sandy, she just gives him a look and says, "Do you even know the definition of irony?"
But really, that's all Jared can expect from his friends because they're all straight losers who will never understand what it means to be fabulous and different and completely incapable of blending into the pack.
"But it's not that you're incapable, Jared," Sandy says during lunch one day, pointing at him with her bagel. "You don't even try. You don't have to put yourself through this, you know. You could try acting normal for a change. Or at least dressing normal."
Jared narrows his eyes at her and crosses his arms over his chest. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You want me to be all, ex-gay or something? Deny my inner fabulousness because it'll make the fucking football team less likely to piss on my car?"
Sandy rolls her eyes. "That happened one time. Look, I'm just saying, maybe lay off the glitter at school. And stop wearing lipstick-"
"This is gloss, bitch."
"-and maybe dump the platform heels. It's the nineties, retard."
Jared stares at the fake wood grain of the lunch table and swallows hard. "I bet Jensen doesn't have to put up with any of this lame ass homophobic bullshit."
"When you're rich and famous and selling out movie theatres across the nation, you won't either."
*
Jared spends a lot of his free time trolling the Jensen message boards for news and concert dates and pictures and rumors. He has an account so he can see everything, but he never comments because he secretly thinks that all other Jensen fans are either retarded, delusional, or both, and while Jared might be willing to use them for their ability to upload new footage, he refuses to be connected to them in any way.
Because, for serious, these are the girls who, with enough money and free time, would be total obsessive stalker types. These are the kind of girls who'd buy a van so they could follow Jensen around on tour and blow security guards to get backstage. Not that Jared's really against trading blowjobs for backstage passes in theory, but in practice it's the sort of skanky move that might get you the opportunity to be seen by Jensen, but pretty much nothing else.
Also, because Jared is a hundred percent certain that Jensen is gay, so all the free blowjobs to security guys won't help these poor, obsessed freaky girls get anywhere with Jensen. Jared pities them, he really does.
But not so much that he doesn't make the occasional post to the main Jensen fanatic's message board under a sockpuppet about how gay Jensen is, speculating about all the guys he's probably fucked and quoting from the Groupies Central board. It's not that Jared is spiteful or mean, really; he's just trying to introduce a level of realism to these girls' lives and someday, when Jensen comes out and fucks his way through gay Hollywood, the message board girls will thank Jared for trying to tell them the truth.
So the girls on the message boards are really pathetic and sad and things, but they also have the best information about contests and concerts and upcoming events, which is how Jared learns about the KISS 99.5 contest to win sound check passes and concert tickets for the Jensen show next month.
"omg im totes gonna get these eeeee bbs! " Jensensgirl4eva replies to the post, and Jared thinks, not before I do, bitch.
After that, it's just a matter of putting his plan into action. Jared invites Sandy, Alexis, and Chad over to explain the seriousness and importance of Mission: Acklesgate, aka, Jared Is Going to Meet Jensen Ackles or Die Bravely in the Attempt.
"But are you actually willing to die?" Chad wants to know. "Because if we somehow managed to give you a terminal illness, you could totally be one of those Make A Wish kids. Your wish could be fucking Jensen Ackles! Win-win situation for everyone."
Alexis sneers delicately at him. "Good one, Chad. Now let's discuss how funny genocide is."
"Shut up, both of you," Jared says, hands on his hips, giving them his best This Is Serious Look. "It's like, a moral imperative that I win these passes, okay? Not just for me, but for like, all that's good and holy in this world! Imagine what'll happen if Jensensgirl4eva gets the passes? She'll like, be so scary and so obsessed that he'll be forced to cancel his show out of fear for his life and the poor girl will probably be taken away to the loony bin somewhere for being such a psycho bitch. We're trying to help everyone here. So let's focus!"
"You're fucking insane. You know that, right?" Sandy says from her position on Jared's bed, staring up at Jared's Wall of Jensen.
"Whatever. Are you helping me, or not?"
Sandy rolls her eyes and sits up. "Yeah, yeah. But look, I used to date one of the DJs at the station-"
"-is there anyone you haven't blown?" Chad says. "I mean, besides me, which you know, I am sort of insulted, actually, that my dick isn't good enough for your skanky ass, apparently."
"Oh my god, no straight sex talk in my sacred space!" Jared says.
"Anyway, like I was saying before Grossy McVirgin over there interrupted me-I know a guy. So let's skip all the inevitable pain of having to listen to hours of like, TLC and Backstreet Boys, and I'll just work my magic, tickets will be had, blah blah."
Jared thinks about it for a second, because really, how different is blowing a DJ from blowing a security guard anyway, because in the end (and also because Alexis made him watch the documentary about pimps) he's pretty sure he doesn't approve of prostitution that's so demeaning to women or whatever, but on the other hand, Sandy sort of owes him for teaching her how to apply make up without looking like an actual whore, so.
So in the end, Sandy works her magic (although serious, Jared doubts her blowjobs are any more magical than anyone else's) and the next week, Jared has two passes to a sound check party. He's going to meet Jensen fucking Ackles. And it's going to be the best moment of his entire existence.
*
There's still two weeks until the concert and what Jared likes to think of as Jensen Fucking Ackles Day when the wank happens. Jared stays out of it because he still doesn't believe in interacting with the psychos on the boards, but it gets really hard to keep his mouth shut when Jensensgirl4eva ends up not only winning tickets to the sound check party, but also telling everyone that she and Jensen have secretly been married for three years. She offers up a link to a Jensen RPG on yahoo and various badly photoshopped pictures of their wedding and their honeymoon. Sandy thinks the whole thing is hilarious, but it sort of scares Jared.
"What if she tries to do something freaky at the sound check? Like, he's gonna be vulnerable and not expecting psycho delusional girl and what if-"
"Dude, you need to chill," Sandy says, grinning. "She just wants to love him. He's her favorite, more than Aaron Carter and Justin Timberlake combined!"
"I fucking hope so. Aaron Carter is like ten, and Justin Timberlake sings like a goat."
*
Jared stays off the message boards after that because he really doesn't want anything ruining his enjoyment of this, the best moment in his life, and trying to figure out which scary fanatic is the crazy Astral Wife will drain the enjoyment out of the whole thing.
The night before the concert, he can't sleep, just stares at his Jensen Wall in the dark between jerk off sessions and thinks about what it's going to be like, and whether Jensen will notice him and what he should wear. Mostly what he should wear, though, because he wants to look fabulous but not too obvious. Balance is important in these things. He needs to be noticed. But not in an "oh my god, that kid is so stupidly gay" way.
Sandy picks him up in the morning, takes one look at his pink-and-turquoise striped blouse and favorite sparkly platforms, and drags him back into the house. "You're a good-looking guy, Jared, but no one's gonna notice that if you're wearing something so utterly hideous. Here," she says, rifling through his closet and picking out a rather plain and non-sparkly covered t-shirt, "put this on. Don't you have any normal jeans? Why do these ones have rhinestones on the ass?"
"I got them at the rodeo, they're totally manly," Jared says, slipping on the t-shirt. He frowns. It's so plain and boring and it's doesn't have any fun patterns or even a few ruffles on. It's just a soft pink and it's completely boring. "Are you sure about this shirt?"
"Yes. And here, put these on. There's nothing we can do about the rhinestones, but hey, if he's looking at your ass that's probably a good thing."
"Fine," Jared says, pulling on the boring, only a little sparkly jeans and frowning at his reflection in the mirror. "But I'm keeping the shoes."
*
In real life, Jensen fucking Ackles is even more beautiful than he is on Jared's wall, even if he is shorter than Jared thought he'd be, and about a thousand times more gorgeous than his action figure counterpart. It turns out there are about twenty fans there for the sound check party, and they get to sit on risers on the stage itself while Jensen and his band check the mic levels and make sure the sound mix is right. Jared squeezes Sandy's hand tight until she pinches him and whispers, "Stop being such a freak, God" and he has to let go. Besides, he doesn't want Jensen thinking he and Sandy are together. That would ruin everything, although Jared's pretty sure no straight man would ever wear the fabulousness that is his purple and green plaid sparkly platforms, so.
And maybe Jared's being uncharitable or maybe he's just a big bitch, but when he looks around at the other fans, he can't help but think of how sad and pathetic they are. There's one woman who must be at least forty, wearing an airbrush t-shirt with Jensen's face on, and she's there alone, without a teenaged daughter as some sort of flimsy excuse. There are the obligatory thirteen-year-olds wearing tube tops, each with a letter of Jensen's name on them, sitting in the front row in order. Some of them are wearing face paint and none of them have boobs, which makes Jared wonder how they expect those tube tops to stay up.
Jared can't tell which one is the psycho fake wife, but he suspects it's airbrush t-shirt lady. She probably lives alone in a trailer somewhere and spends her entire unemployment check feeding her twelve cats. This is what he whispers to Sandy during the boring parts of the sound check, when Jensen is talking to the band and ignoring the fans and not singing.
Sandy just gives him a look. "Hi, pot. Meet my friend kettle. He has a fucking shrine in his bedroom."
"That's totally different!" Jared whispers, but he tries to stop thinking mean things about Airbrush Lady, because Sandy maybe has a point, and also, it's not like Airbrush Lady is competition or something. Unless Jensen is actually straight and wants to fuck women who look like his mom.
When it finally comes time for pictures and handshakes and hugs and things, Jared feels a rush of adrenaline and for a moment, he thinks he might faint trying to make it down the risers, but it just turns out that the heel of his platform is caught on the bottom rung and only Sandy catching him with a loud, "Fuck!" keeps him from falling flat on his face.
"I'm Jared," Jared says to Jensen, like a complete idiot. "Um. Hi."
"Jesus, you're a giant," Jensen says, and smiles. He smiles, at Jared, and it's pretty much the best thing ever in the history of Jared's life, or possibly of the world at large. It's amazing. Jensen fucking Ackles is smiling at him.
"Um. Thanks," Jared says. "Can I. Um. Can I have a hug?"
"Sure, honey," Jensen says, and then his arms go around Jared and Jared's brain has a complete and total malfunction from over-stimulation because Jensen is touching him and Jared can feel their chests rubbing together and Jensen's hand smoothing down his back and Jensen smells like every good smell ever invented, so yeah, Jared's brain is totally fried by this utterly perfect and amazing moment, which is the only reason he can think of for what he says next.
"Oh my god. You're my favorite! I love you so much!"
"Awww, I love you, too," Jensen says. He pulls away and gives Jared a sweet smile, winks, and pinches Jared's ass.
"Eeep!" says Jared. He's so totally and completely in love, and he wishes this moment would never end.
*
Later, after the concert and the after party, which consisted of Jared, Sandy, and a stolen bottle of vodka, Jared lies awake in his bed, staring up at his Jensen Wall and replaying his Jensen Moment over and over again in his head while he jacks off lazily, too drunk to put a lot of effort into it, just enjoying the way his fingers squeeze around his dick and his palm feels against his skin, hot and a little dry. He tries to think about what it would be like if Jensen were doing this instead; Jensen, who said he loved him and winked and him and touched him and pinched his ass hard enough that Jared has a little bruise there, now, a little Jensen-made mark right on his ass like a claim and it's the hottest thing Jared has ever imagined in his entire life. He reaches down with his free hand and presses his thumb against it. A brief flash of hurt and the memory that Jensen did that and it's enough, he's coming in a warm rush, the room spinning lazily around him as his dick twitches in his hand.
*
He meets Alexis and Chad for breakfast at the Hungry Man's Diner. Alexis has a book open on the table when he gets there and Chad is flicking bits of straw wrapper at her, but when Jared slides into the booth next to him with a satisfied grin, Chad's eyes widen and he says, "Holy shit. Did you actually get laid?"
"Don't be retarded," Jared says. "Jensen's a rockstar, he's not gonna fuck some random underage fan he met at a sound check."
"Well, it's good to know you're not completely delusional," Alexis says. "You do look really happy, though. It's. Weird. Disturbing. What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing. Except well. He told me he loved me! I mean, I said it first, like a total dork, by the way, but he called me 'honey' and he gave me a hug, so it's really not my fault. He's really, you know. Inspiring. And then he said he loved me, too."
"You know he probably says that to everyone," Alexis says, while Chad tries very hard to pretend this conversation isn't happening.
"Yeah," Jared says, but he can't stop smiling. Because maybe Jensen says that to everyone, but Jared's pretty sure that for him, Jensen really meant it. Or at least, he meant something by that ass-pinching maneuver, and as soon as Jared graduates from high school and turns eighteen and is no longer jailbait gay boy virgin who doesn't even have his own car, he plans to find out exactly what that is.
(But really, he's pretty sure it's sex, and he can't wait to go post this to the boards and destroy every one of those creepy fangirls' white-picket dreams about having Jensen's babies. Because if there's one thing Jared learned from yesterday, it's that Jensen Ackles is totally gay, and if anyone on the board is going to be having his babies, it's going to be Jared. For fucking serious.)
Six years, five months, twenty-one days and eight hours later...
Jared is excited. He's very excited because it's his first Academy Awards and maybe he only presented or whatever but it's still really cool because it's the fucking Oscars and just, yes. It's very cool and he only messes up his lines slightly at the podium, which Sandy points out at least nineteen times on the drive over to Elton John's after party, which really makes Jared regret letting Sandy beard for him in the first place, because seriously. If he wanted a beard who talked back, he could've at least gone with an actress who's done more than music videos for lame boybands and lesbian-themed Maxim spreads.
But really, it's the Oscars and he's too excited from just getting to be on stage and people acting like it was totally normal and cool for him to be presenting when really, Jared's only done two films so it's not like he's a big name or an important actor or something, even if the second film got him nominated for a BAFTA. He didn't get the Oscar nomination but he got to present, and maybe someday. Maybe. He's just really happy to be there.
The party is fabulous, of course it is, because it's Elton John so clearly, it's going to be fabulous. Jared and Sandy get seated with some random television actors from the CW, which Jared tries not to be offended by because he's not arrogant, he really isn't, but come on, he's better than pretty boy number three from the show about rich kids who talk too fast and have lots of pre-marital sex.
Jared is contemplating whether or not getting absolutely smashed at Elton John's party would be a career destroyer or not when Sandy elbows him hard in the side and says, "Hey, isn't that your boyfriend?"
"Bitch." Jared mutters, glaring at her and rubbing his side where he can already feel the bruise forming, but she's pointing now and kind of making a scene (he definitely should've gone with a more pliable beard because fucking Sandy always finds a way to embarrass him) so Jared looks just to keep her quiet. He looks over his shoulder and there's a man standing there looking at him. A gorgeous, utterly divine specimen of deliciousness staring right at him and-
"Holy fucking balls, that's Jensen Ackles!"
The CW kid turns to look, too, which is just great because Jared has a sick feeling he maybe said that a little too loudly, but then Jensen fucking Ackles is walking over to their table. Sandy nudges him until he stands up, and Jensen is just right there, smiling at him and offering his hand to shake.
"I'd introduce myself, but I believe we've already met," Jensen says. "I'm glad to see you're not wearing platforms this time. Makes me feel less midget-like."
Jared clears his throat and tries to smile. He's an internationally recognized film actor now, damnit, not a freakily obsessed fanboi, so there's no reason to be nervous. Sandy snorts loudly and Jensen says, "Plus, you're not jailbait anymore, either. Unless you were a six-foot-three freak fetus before."
"Fuck, did I say that out loud?" Jared totally said that out loud. He's such a fucking idiot. "Um. No, you know. Not that I don't still love your music, because I totally do, but you know. All grown up and stuff. Or, um. Something. I'm an actor. I was in that film, you know the one. With the war and the monsters with the eye things? So, yeah. Nominated for a BAFTA and everything."
"Also," says Sandy, "he gives fabulous head. Not that I know from experience because he's totally gay, but I've heard several testimonials and they all agree-Jared Padalecki is a blowjob Queen."
Jensen grins and trails his fingers down Jared's arm, and even through his shirt, Jared can feel how hot Jensen is and he really really wishes that there weren't shirts involved at all, and also that they were not at Elton John's Oscar party but instead in a room with a bed or even just the floor or a nice sturdy wall somewhere, because more than anything, he wants to fuck Jensen fucking Ackles. Yes. Now, please.
"That's fabulous," Jensen murmurs, "because it just so happens that I? Am a fucking master at getting my dick sucked."
Which is how Jared finds himself on his knees in the handicapped stall of the men's bathroom ten minutes later with Jensen Ackles's dick in his mouth and Jensen Ackles's fingers pulling at his hair and Jensen Ackles's amazing voice making the best sounds Jared's ever heard in his entire fucking life, and he thinks: all that praying to the Shrine was totally and completely worth it.
Fandom: CW RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: Adult
Summary: Jared was a teenaged fanboi of epic proportions.
Comments: Written for the lovely erin2326 for my first ever Sweet Charity contribution. Many thanks to wendy and madame_d for being the best betas ever and making me believe that I can still write J2, even if I have to cheat a little to do it.
Being seventeen and gay and in love with Jensen Ackles: Rock Sensation is problematic at best, but when you live in San Antonio, home of homophobic football players and the people who worship them, it pretty closely resembles hell. Not that Jared would change any of that, except for maybe the San Antonio thing. If he lived in Los Angeles or New York, he'd be almost normal.
"You'd also probably be a five dollar prostitute," Alexis tells him whenever he mentions it. "You'd be like one of those kids you see on those HBO at Night documentaries that are really just excuses to show naked jailbait. I tried to watch the one about pimps the other day. It was really fascinating, actually, but there's only so many times I can hear the word 'motherfucker' before I become desensitized to everything ever."
Jared just rolls his eyes and doodles in the margins of his trigonometry notebook-Mrs. Jared Ackles surrounded by hearts and flowers and tiny little music notes, because Jared doesn't just love Jensen for being ridiculously, incendiarily hot, but because of the music, too. Jensen's music is like-- it's like food for Jared's soul. It's like the macaroni and cheese of Jared's soul, it's that good. It's like Jensen knows him without ever having met him. Knows him intimately and deeply and someday, Jared hopes for that to be true.
Or just a good fuck. He'd take that, too.
"Do you want to be a prostitute, Jared?" Alexis's voice is so annoying. "Because that's what'll happen. Prostitution and drugs and then maybe you'll get some horrible VD because your tricks refuse to use condoms and you're too doped up to make them. That's what'll happen if you run away to New York."
"Still be better than here," Jared says, and Alexis rolls her eyes.
"No way you'd be able to afford Jensen tickets on a whore's salary."
Jared looks up at her and frowns. Damnit. She sort of has a point.
*
Sandy is so much more fun to talk about Jensen Stuff with, and she even helps Jared with his photo wall and shrine by providing endless month-old Tiger Beats and J-14s leftover unsold from her dad's convenience store. If it's a feature or something really important, Jared will buy the magazine new, but it's always good to have extra copies so he can keep one pristine for posterity and use the extras to cut up for the photo wall, which is actually the photo ceiling above his bunk bed. Now that his brother is away at college, Jared is free to do whatever he wants to the room, and mostly he wants as many pictures of Jensen directly above his head as possible.
"So," Sandy says, carefully snipping around the edges of a picture with her scissors, "this is, like, for masturbatory purposes, right?"
"What?" Jared says, flipping through this month's Teen People. There's a huge spread on the Backstreet Boys, which is really annoying because they're not even a tenth as awesome as Jensen and their music sucks, too. It's not deep like Jensen's. It's not about important things like, like almost committing suicide over a love affair gone wrong, or how you might feel like murder when someone cheats on you. Jared's never had anyone cheat on him, or really, he's never had anyone to be cheated on with, but he bets Jensen's version is pretty accurate. He sounds very sincere in the song, anyway.
"You know," Sandy says, raising one eyebrow. "It's not rocket science, okay. Like, we're putting these pictures right above your bed. Like, five feet from your face when you're lying down. So I'm just wondering-this is to jack off to, right? Toss the salad? Ride the meat pole?"
Jared makes a face and throws his pillow at her. He misses, of course, because he throws like a total gay boy even when it comes to pillows, and she laughs. "God Sandy, you're totally disgusting! Ride the-Jesus! What if my mom heard you? She'd never let you have supper here again."
Sandy laughs again and sticks her tongue out, wiggles it at the picture of Jensen she's working on. "Hey, you know what? There's nothing to be embarrassed about. All boys masturbate, and if I were a gay boy trapped in this fucking town without another gay boy in ten miles to practice on, I'd be beating the meat over Jensen, too. He's hot. I'd totally do him."
"Well you can't have him," Jared says, glaring and taking the picture from her. It's a really good one from last month's CosmoGirl's hottest twenty-five stars under twenty-five, and it's maybe Jared's favorite photo shoot yet, but that might just be because Jensen is either shirtless, wet, or both in most of the pictures. Jared wants to marry this photo shoot, it's so good. Instead, he pins the picture carefully to the ceiling, making sure it's positioned just above where his head will be when he lies down for optimum viewing range.
"You know he's probably not gay, right?" Sandy says. "Doesn't he have a girlfriend? Wasn't he dating like, a stripper or something?"
"She was a porn star. Well, not a star, really, unless you consider the ability to get gang banged and spooged all over for ninety minutes star material, but also, there's no way Jensen ever stuck his dick in her. She was a total beard. Believe me, the guy is gay. Why else would he date a porn star? Clearly, it's so that he can get away with not having sex with her, since that's like, her job."
Sandy snorts and climbs off the bed, reaches for her plastic bag of pilfered convenience store goods. "You're so far in denial, J, but it's kind of adorable. Just, you know, don't get so delusional you go all Selena on his ass. You would not do well in jail. Perfect bitch material."
"Shut up and tell me that you got the action figure this time."
"Normal rocker and color-changing hair editions."
"I forgive you for your trespasses against all that is Holy Jensen. Now, gimme."
*
Jared's shrine is sort of amazing, in his own humble and extremely credible opinion. He has every Jensen action figure ever made, except for the very rare and hard to find priest marionette, which he's only been searching for for like, two years. He's trolled every fan board and checks eBay on a daily basis, but no one seems to have it. He's beginning to think it's a myth or something perpetuated just torture him.
But otherwise, the Jensen Shrine is pretty much awesome. The action figures form a semi-circle around three candles Jared got at the HEB that originally had Jesus, Mary, and an angel emblazoned on them, but Jared pasted over their heads with Jensen's face. He has all his Jensen trading cards places strategically around the action figures, and his row of Jensen lip glosses right out in front, never opened, in all ten amazing flavors. As shrines built on bookcases go, it's definitely one of the best Jared's seen, only it's not creepy like, say, the shrine from Heavenly Creatures, which, for one thing, was dedicated to an ugly, scary old man, and for another, Jared's not a delusional semi-lesbian who has fantasies about clay people and plots to kill his mother with a brick in a stocking. Jared really loves his mother, actually, and not in the creepy way one might assume, either. She makes really good pie, for one thing, and also, she gave birth to him, so he's pretty grateful for that.
Also, Jared has absolutely zero interest in pussy. So he's definitely not like those psychotic girls in the movie. He maybe has a shrine, but it's more-it's more of a collection, really. He doesn't pray to it or anything, but he thinks Jensen would probably feel honored if he saw it. This is what Jared tells Chad the first time Chad sees the shrine.
"It's like, a form of flattery," Jared says. "His music means so much to me, I need, like, an outward expression of that or something."
Chad snorts. "Dude, no. It's creepy and weird and obsessive, is what it is. It's freaky. You have a fucking shrine to some lameass rockstar wannabe in your bedroom. There's nothing about that statement that's not ten millions kinds of wrong."
"Just because you can't appreciate the-"
"One, his music sucks. Two, I'm not gay. And three, even if I was, I wouldn't want to do him. I mean, if you have to be gay, J, you could at least choose, like, worthy guys to be gay for. Brad Pitt, okay? He's hot. I'm straight, but I've seen Thelma and Louise, so I know-that guy is fucking hot."
Jared grins. "You're straight, but you've seen Thelma and Louise?"
Chad coughs. "I have a thing for Susan Sarandon. Shut up. For an older lady, she's pretty fine, man."
Jared doesn't say anything else about the Shrine to Chad, though, because really, it's sort of an impossibility trying to convince a straight guy of the amazingness of Jensen Ackles. Plus, Chad is Jared's only guy friend, even if he is straight, and Jared doesn't really want to alienate him too much, otherwise he's looking at a senior year filled with nothing but Sandy and Alexis, which-no. They're nice and he likes having friends and all, but Sandy talks way too much about all the football players she's secretly fucking behind their girlfriend's backs (which would maybe be more exciting if her stories weren't filled with extremely descriptive straight sex, gross) and Alexis only wants to talk about school and college and applying to college, blah blah.
So Jared doesn't say anything else about the Shrine or Jensen or how really, the music is transcendent and revolutionary and Chad is just incapable of understanding it because he's a total philistine who enjoys gangsta rap and wears his hat backwards, so really, his opinion doesn’t even begin to matter. Not as long as Jared knows the truth.
*
Game days are Jared's absolute least favorite days at school. For one thing, the entire class schedule has to be rearranged so that they can have a mandatory pep rally at the end of the day, which means no free periods and combined lunches. Plus, they have to actually attend the pep rally, and there's only so long that Jared and Chad can mock the cheerleaders and make bets about which one will fall first before they get drowned out by the noise of the crowd, because apparently people are really excited about stupid football. So excited that they paint their faces and wear ridiculous outfits and make up songs and chants, like a big crowd of red and black zombie sheep who scream instead of bah. Loudly. And then they give you nasty looks if you don't join in, too.
"I feel like we're in one of those old movies about like, the town of kids with demon eyes who will cut you if you don't cooperate. It's totally sick," Jared says, trying very hard not to make eye contact with anyone who might notice his entire lack of enthusiasm and decide to stone him on the basketball court for being anti-school spirit.
Alexis snorts but doesn't look up from her book. "It's like being at a Jensen concert."
"Oh, you did not just say that! You did not just compare a Jensen Ackles rock extravaganza of awesomeness to this brainwashing bullshit."
Alexis looks up briefly, looks around at the crowd of students gathered on the bleachers around them. "Let's see," she says, "people wearing stupid, home-made outfits? Check. Face paint? Check. Screaming? Check. Worshipping of something completely unworthy of regard? Check." She raises one eyebrow. "I don't see a difference, Jared. Except at least this is free."
"Jensen is an artist," Jared says, ignoring Chad, who stares at Jared like he's crazy, which he is so not. He just recognizes the pure genius that is Jensen, and sometimes he thinks he's the only sane person in this damn town. "Plus," Jared adds, "he's a lot fucking hotter than the football team."
"Jensen is a hack who can barely sing and only knows three guitar chords," Alexis says, turning back to her book. She pauses. "But he is sort of hot."
So school is pretty horrible and even more fiercely horrible during football season, but when he complains about the sheep mentality to Sandy, she just gives him a look and says, "Do you even know the definition of irony?"
But really, that's all Jared can expect from his friends because they're all straight losers who will never understand what it means to be fabulous and different and completely incapable of blending into the pack.
"But it's not that you're incapable, Jared," Sandy says during lunch one day, pointing at him with her bagel. "You don't even try. You don't have to put yourself through this, you know. You could try acting normal for a change. Or at least dressing normal."
Jared narrows his eyes at her and crosses his arms over his chest. "What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You want me to be all, ex-gay or something? Deny my inner fabulousness because it'll make the fucking football team less likely to piss on my car?"
Sandy rolls her eyes. "That happened one time. Look, I'm just saying, maybe lay off the glitter at school. And stop wearing lipstick-"
"This is gloss, bitch."
"-and maybe dump the platform heels. It's the nineties, retard."
Jared stares at the fake wood grain of the lunch table and swallows hard. "I bet Jensen doesn't have to put up with any of this lame ass homophobic bullshit."
"When you're rich and famous and selling out movie theatres across the nation, you won't either."
*
Jared spends a lot of his free time trolling the Jensen message boards for news and concert dates and pictures and rumors. He has an account so he can see everything, but he never comments because he secretly thinks that all other Jensen fans are either retarded, delusional, or both, and while Jared might be willing to use them for their ability to upload new footage, he refuses to be connected to them in any way.
Because, for serious, these are the girls who, with enough money and free time, would be total obsessive stalker types. These are the kind of girls who'd buy a van so they could follow Jensen around on tour and blow security guards to get backstage. Not that Jared's really against trading blowjobs for backstage passes in theory, but in practice it's the sort of skanky move that might get you the opportunity to be seen by Jensen, but pretty much nothing else.
Also, because Jared is a hundred percent certain that Jensen is gay, so all the free blowjobs to security guys won't help these poor, obsessed freaky girls get anywhere with Jensen. Jared pities them, he really does.
But not so much that he doesn't make the occasional post to the main Jensen fanatic's message board under a sockpuppet about how gay Jensen is, speculating about all the guys he's probably fucked and quoting from the Groupies Central board. It's not that Jared is spiteful or mean, really; he's just trying to introduce a level of realism to these girls' lives and someday, when Jensen comes out and fucks his way through gay Hollywood, the message board girls will thank Jared for trying to tell them the truth.
So the girls on the message boards are really pathetic and sad and things, but they also have the best information about contests and concerts and upcoming events, which is how Jared learns about the KISS 99.5 contest to win sound check passes and concert tickets for the Jensen show next month.
"omg im totes gonna get these eeeee bbs! " Jensensgirl4eva replies to the post, and Jared thinks, not before I do, bitch.
After that, it's just a matter of putting his plan into action. Jared invites Sandy, Alexis, and Chad over to explain the seriousness and importance of Mission: Acklesgate, aka, Jared Is Going to Meet Jensen Ackles or Die Bravely in the Attempt.
"But are you actually willing to die?" Chad wants to know. "Because if we somehow managed to give you a terminal illness, you could totally be one of those Make A Wish kids. Your wish could be fucking Jensen Ackles! Win-win situation for everyone."
Alexis sneers delicately at him. "Good one, Chad. Now let's discuss how funny genocide is."
"Shut up, both of you," Jared says, hands on his hips, giving them his best This Is Serious Look. "It's like, a moral imperative that I win these passes, okay? Not just for me, but for like, all that's good and holy in this world! Imagine what'll happen if Jensensgirl4eva gets the passes? She'll like, be so scary and so obsessed that he'll be forced to cancel his show out of fear for his life and the poor girl will probably be taken away to the loony bin somewhere for being such a psycho bitch. We're trying to help everyone here. So let's focus!"
"You're fucking insane. You know that, right?" Sandy says from her position on Jared's bed, staring up at Jared's Wall of Jensen.
"Whatever. Are you helping me, or not?"
Sandy rolls her eyes and sits up. "Yeah, yeah. But look, I used to date one of the DJs at the station-"
"-is there anyone you haven't blown?" Chad says. "I mean, besides me, which you know, I am sort of insulted, actually, that my dick isn't good enough for your skanky ass, apparently."
"Oh my god, no straight sex talk in my sacred space!" Jared says.
"Anyway, like I was saying before Grossy McVirgin over there interrupted me-I know a guy. So let's skip all the inevitable pain of having to listen to hours of like, TLC and Backstreet Boys, and I'll just work my magic, tickets will be had, blah blah."
Jared thinks about it for a second, because really, how different is blowing a DJ from blowing a security guard anyway, because in the end (and also because Alexis made him watch the documentary about pimps) he's pretty sure he doesn't approve of prostitution that's so demeaning to women or whatever, but on the other hand, Sandy sort of owes him for teaching her how to apply make up without looking like an actual whore, so.
So in the end, Sandy works her magic (although serious, Jared doubts her blowjobs are any more magical than anyone else's) and the next week, Jared has two passes to a sound check party. He's going to meet Jensen fucking Ackles. And it's going to be the best moment of his entire existence.
*
There's still two weeks until the concert and what Jared likes to think of as Jensen Fucking Ackles Day when the wank happens. Jared stays out of it because he still doesn't believe in interacting with the psychos on the boards, but it gets really hard to keep his mouth shut when Jensensgirl4eva ends up not only winning tickets to the sound check party, but also telling everyone that she and Jensen have secretly been married for three years. She offers up a link to a Jensen RPG on yahoo and various badly photoshopped pictures of their wedding and their honeymoon. Sandy thinks the whole thing is hilarious, but it sort of scares Jared.
"What if she tries to do something freaky at the sound check? Like, he's gonna be vulnerable and not expecting psycho delusional girl and what if-"
"Dude, you need to chill," Sandy says, grinning. "She just wants to love him. He's her favorite, more than Aaron Carter and Justin Timberlake combined!"
"I fucking hope so. Aaron Carter is like ten, and Justin Timberlake sings like a goat."
*
Jared stays off the message boards after that because he really doesn't want anything ruining his enjoyment of this, the best moment in his life, and trying to figure out which scary fanatic is the crazy Astral Wife will drain the enjoyment out of the whole thing.
The night before the concert, he can't sleep, just stares at his Jensen Wall in the dark between jerk off sessions and thinks about what it's going to be like, and whether Jensen will notice him and what he should wear. Mostly what he should wear, though, because he wants to look fabulous but not too obvious. Balance is important in these things. He needs to be noticed. But not in an "oh my god, that kid is so stupidly gay" way.
Sandy picks him up in the morning, takes one look at his pink-and-turquoise striped blouse and favorite sparkly platforms, and drags him back into the house. "You're a good-looking guy, Jared, but no one's gonna notice that if you're wearing something so utterly hideous. Here," she says, rifling through his closet and picking out a rather plain and non-sparkly covered t-shirt, "put this on. Don't you have any normal jeans? Why do these ones have rhinestones on the ass?"
"I got them at the rodeo, they're totally manly," Jared says, slipping on the t-shirt. He frowns. It's so plain and boring and it's doesn't have any fun patterns or even a few ruffles on. It's just a soft pink and it's completely boring. "Are you sure about this shirt?"
"Yes. And here, put these on. There's nothing we can do about the rhinestones, but hey, if he's looking at your ass that's probably a good thing."
"Fine," Jared says, pulling on the boring, only a little sparkly jeans and frowning at his reflection in the mirror. "But I'm keeping the shoes."
*
In real life, Jensen fucking Ackles is even more beautiful than he is on Jared's wall, even if he is shorter than Jared thought he'd be, and about a thousand times more gorgeous than his action figure counterpart. It turns out there are about twenty fans there for the sound check party, and they get to sit on risers on the stage itself while Jensen and his band check the mic levels and make sure the sound mix is right. Jared squeezes Sandy's hand tight until she pinches him and whispers, "Stop being such a freak, God" and he has to let go. Besides, he doesn't want Jensen thinking he and Sandy are together. That would ruin everything, although Jared's pretty sure no straight man would ever wear the fabulousness that is his purple and green plaid sparkly platforms, so.
And maybe Jared's being uncharitable or maybe he's just a big bitch, but when he looks around at the other fans, he can't help but think of how sad and pathetic they are. There's one woman who must be at least forty, wearing an airbrush t-shirt with Jensen's face on, and she's there alone, without a teenaged daughter as some sort of flimsy excuse. There are the obligatory thirteen-year-olds wearing tube tops, each with a letter of Jensen's name on them, sitting in the front row in order. Some of them are wearing face paint and none of them have boobs, which makes Jared wonder how they expect those tube tops to stay up.
Jared can't tell which one is the psycho fake wife, but he suspects it's airbrush t-shirt lady. She probably lives alone in a trailer somewhere and spends her entire unemployment check feeding her twelve cats. This is what he whispers to Sandy during the boring parts of the sound check, when Jensen is talking to the band and ignoring the fans and not singing.
Sandy just gives him a look. "Hi, pot. Meet my friend kettle. He has a fucking shrine in his bedroom."
"That's totally different!" Jared whispers, but he tries to stop thinking mean things about Airbrush Lady, because Sandy maybe has a point, and also, it's not like Airbrush Lady is competition or something. Unless Jensen is actually straight and wants to fuck women who look like his mom.
When it finally comes time for pictures and handshakes and hugs and things, Jared feels a rush of adrenaline and for a moment, he thinks he might faint trying to make it down the risers, but it just turns out that the heel of his platform is caught on the bottom rung and only Sandy catching him with a loud, "Fuck!" keeps him from falling flat on his face.
"I'm Jared," Jared says to Jensen, like a complete idiot. "Um. Hi."
"Jesus, you're a giant," Jensen says, and smiles. He smiles, at Jared, and it's pretty much the best thing ever in the history of Jared's life, or possibly of the world at large. It's amazing. Jensen fucking Ackles is smiling at him.
"Um. Thanks," Jared says. "Can I. Um. Can I have a hug?"
"Sure, honey," Jensen says, and then his arms go around Jared and Jared's brain has a complete and total malfunction from over-stimulation because Jensen is touching him and Jared can feel their chests rubbing together and Jensen's hand smoothing down his back and Jensen smells like every good smell ever invented, so yeah, Jared's brain is totally fried by this utterly perfect and amazing moment, which is the only reason he can think of for what he says next.
"Oh my god. You're my favorite! I love you so much!"
"Awww, I love you, too," Jensen says. He pulls away and gives Jared a sweet smile, winks, and pinches Jared's ass.
"Eeep!" says Jared. He's so totally and completely in love, and he wishes this moment would never end.
*
Later, after the concert and the after party, which consisted of Jared, Sandy, and a stolen bottle of vodka, Jared lies awake in his bed, staring up at his Jensen Wall and replaying his Jensen Moment over and over again in his head while he jacks off lazily, too drunk to put a lot of effort into it, just enjoying the way his fingers squeeze around his dick and his palm feels against his skin, hot and a little dry. He tries to think about what it would be like if Jensen were doing this instead; Jensen, who said he loved him and winked and him and touched him and pinched his ass hard enough that Jared has a little bruise there, now, a little Jensen-made mark right on his ass like a claim and it's the hottest thing Jared has ever imagined in his entire life. He reaches down with his free hand and presses his thumb against it. A brief flash of hurt and the memory that Jensen did that and it's enough, he's coming in a warm rush, the room spinning lazily around him as his dick twitches in his hand.
*
He meets Alexis and Chad for breakfast at the Hungry Man's Diner. Alexis has a book open on the table when he gets there and Chad is flicking bits of straw wrapper at her, but when Jared slides into the booth next to him with a satisfied grin, Chad's eyes widen and he says, "Holy shit. Did you actually get laid?"
"Don't be retarded," Jared says. "Jensen's a rockstar, he's not gonna fuck some random underage fan he met at a sound check."
"Well, it's good to know you're not completely delusional," Alexis says. "You do look really happy, though. It's. Weird. Disturbing. What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing. Except well. He told me he loved me! I mean, I said it first, like a total dork, by the way, but he called me 'honey' and he gave me a hug, so it's really not my fault. He's really, you know. Inspiring. And then he said he loved me, too."
"You know he probably says that to everyone," Alexis says, while Chad tries very hard to pretend this conversation isn't happening.
"Yeah," Jared says, but he can't stop smiling. Because maybe Jensen says that to everyone, but Jared's pretty sure that for him, Jensen really meant it. Or at least, he meant something by that ass-pinching maneuver, and as soon as Jared graduates from high school and turns eighteen and is no longer jailbait gay boy virgin who doesn't even have his own car, he plans to find out exactly what that is.
(But really, he's pretty sure it's sex, and he can't wait to go post this to the boards and destroy every one of those creepy fangirls' white-picket dreams about having Jensen's babies. Because if there's one thing Jared learned from yesterday, it's that Jensen Ackles is totally gay, and if anyone on the board is going to be having his babies, it's going to be Jared. For fucking serious.)
Six years, five months, twenty-one days and eight hours later...
Jared is excited. He's very excited because it's his first Academy Awards and maybe he only presented or whatever but it's still really cool because it's the fucking Oscars and just, yes. It's very cool and he only messes up his lines slightly at the podium, which Sandy points out at least nineteen times on the drive over to Elton John's after party, which really makes Jared regret letting Sandy beard for him in the first place, because seriously. If he wanted a beard who talked back, he could've at least gone with an actress who's done more than music videos for lame boybands and lesbian-themed Maxim spreads.
But really, it's the Oscars and he's too excited from just getting to be on stage and people acting like it was totally normal and cool for him to be presenting when really, Jared's only done two films so it's not like he's a big name or an important actor or something, even if the second film got him nominated for a BAFTA. He didn't get the Oscar nomination but he got to present, and maybe someday. Maybe. He's just really happy to be there.
The party is fabulous, of course it is, because it's Elton John so clearly, it's going to be fabulous. Jared and Sandy get seated with some random television actors from the CW, which Jared tries not to be offended by because he's not arrogant, he really isn't, but come on, he's better than pretty boy number three from the show about rich kids who talk too fast and have lots of pre-marital sex.
Jared is contemplating whether or not getting absolutely smashed at Elton John's party would be a career destroyer or not when Sandy elbows him hard in the side and says, "Hey, isn't that your boyfriend?"
"Bitch." Jared mutters, glaring at her and rubbing his side where he can already feel the bruise forming, but she's pointing now and kind of making a scene (he definitely should've gone with a more pliable beard because fucking Sandy always finds a way to embarrass him) so Jared looks just to keep her quiet. He looks over his shoulder and there's a man standing there looking at him. A gorgeous, utterly divine specimen of deliciousness staring right at him and-
"Holy fucking balls, that's Jensen Ackles!"
The CW kid turns to look, too, which is just great because Jared has a sick feeling he maybe said that a little too loudly, but then Jensen fucking Ackles is walking over to their table. Sandy nudges him until he stands up, and Jensen is just right there, smiling at him and offering his hand to shake.
"I'd introduce myself, but I believe we've already met," Jensen says. "I'm glad to see you're not wearing platforms this time. Makes me feel less midget-like."
Jared clears his throat and tries to smile. He's an internationally recognized film actor now, damnit, not a freakily obsessed fanboi, so there's no reason to be nervous. Sandy snorts loudly and Jensen says, "Plus, you're not jailbait anymore, either. Unless you were a six-foot-three freak fetus before."
"Fuck, did I say that out loud?" Jared totally said that out loud. He's such a fucking idiot. "Um. No, you know. Not that I don't still love your music, because I totally do, but you know. All grown up and stuff. Or, um. Something. I'm an actor. I was in that film, you know the one. With the war and the monsters with the eye things? So, yeah. Nominated for a BAFTA and everything."
"Also," says Sandy, "he gives fabulous head. Not that I know from experience because he's totally gay, but I've heard several testimonials and they all agree-Jared Padalecki is a blowjob Queen."
Jensen grins and trails his fingers down Jared's arm, and even through his shirt, Jared can feel how hot Jensen is and he really really wishes that there weren't shirts involved at all, and also that they were not at Elton John's Oscar party but instead in a room with a bed or even just the floor or a nice sturdy wall somewhere, because more than anything, he wants to fuck Jensen fucking Ackles. Yes. Now, please.
"That's fabulous," Jensen murmurs, "because it just so happens that I? Am a fucking master at getting my dick sucked."
Which is how Jared finds himself on his knees in the handicapped stall of the men's bathroom ten minutes later with Jensen Ackles's dick in his mouth and Jensen Ackles's fingers pulling at his hair and Jensen Ackles's amazing voice making the best sounds Jared's ever heard in his entire fucking life, and he thinks: all that praying to the Shrine was totally and completely worth it.