Fic: Still in the Running | popslash | AJ/JC
First of all, I just want to say thank you to everyone who participated in MtYG this year, including those awesome folks who got reader accounts just to send feedback, because y'all are awesome. The story I received, jc chasez, full of grace turned out to be by the amazing stubbleglitter, who did such a fantastic job on it and words can't really express how completely delighted I am (STILL) by her story. JOSHLYNN FOREVER!!!
Now, onto the fic. I'm reposting mine here, because I'm that anal retentive and I like to have all my shit aligned in one place. I will be responding to all the fabulous feedback I received in a bit.
Still in the Running
Fandom: popslash
Pairing: AJ/JC
Comments: Written for MtYG 2007, at trumpeterofdoom's request. I wish there could've been more actual Letterboys in it, and it were as funny as I imagined in my head. Otherwise, I am very happy.
Summary: America's Next Top Model goes popslash. Ten beautiful boys stand before me, but only one will be named America's next top model!
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The boys were forced to confront their fear of heights (and clowns!) when they visited the circus to get a lesson in tightrope-walking from Miss J. They had (another) circus photo shoot (The last one was carnival themes, actually. So that's totally different! -Ed. ) and while some of the boys seemed right at home in the circus, Ashley left the competition in a blaze of bitter humiliation, queening it up all over the place. He was like, "I'm the most prettiest boy that ever lived and I am fierce as the fiercest thing that ever sprouted claws," but we all know that secretly he was eternally grateful to the Top Model gods that he got cut just in time to miss makeovers. Which are this week, lucky us.
JC interviews about being in the bottom two and how scary it is. Or at least, I think that's what he's trying to say, but it's hard to tell when he starts out talking about how relieved he was when Tyra called his name and ends with his theories on self-body-ownership and why he doesn't like to get naked. If this were Project Runway, Heidi Klum would be asking what planet JC was from and how she could obtain whatever magical drugs he's clearly on. But instead we get Tyra, who will probably find this charming. Charming how she's going to totally break his little alien spirit, that is.
Justin's in the confessional to explain how being a model is the only thing he's ever wanted to do, ever, and it's going to happen no matter what because it's his destiny, just like it's the destiny of every other little unique snowflake to ever be on this show. I'm distracted by his hair. I find myself trying to calculate exactly how much product has to go into that hot mess of a white man's fro to get it to stand up like that. I'm figuring at least two bottles of Aquanet a week. If Al Gore watches ANTM (and you know he does), he's throwing up his zero carbon foot-printed dinner right now.
Anyway, Justin will stop at nothing to win, he tells us. This is immediately juxtaposed with Kevin wondering where all his right shoes have gone, and JC babbling on about how somehow, half his underwear have giant holes in the crotch and the rest seem to have disappeared in the laundry. Justin looks shifty and I wouldn't put it past him to be a sneaky little saboteur, if only he knew what that word meant. It's nothing compared to Nicole's power bars incident, but it's a start.
Tyra mail! Kevin, as the only one of them who can actually read entire words, opens it up: "Roses are red, violets are blue. Chameleons transform, what about you?"
Brian is the only one who seems to notice how this makes no sense at all. He interviews to explain his opinions on low-brow reality television and the ways in which it is slowly but surely eating away the brains of young people. He points to this cycle's crop of wannabes (himself excluded of course)-they've been watching ANTM for six cycles and there's barely anything left.
And of course, he's pretty much right. In fact, I'm surprised Nick still has enough brain power left to control his muscle movement, and sometimes during photo shoots, I suspect he has lost all motor function completely. Seriously, the least the writers could do it to get their Tyra Mail animals right. And I mean the very least.
What's ironic, of course, is that a chameleon-okay, no. If I have to explain it, it's not irony anymore. At least, that's what I learned from watching Reality Bites. (That, and how to live off your parents' gas cards so as not to have to betray your generation by working at the GAP -Ed) .
My point is (and Brian's, if he spent enough time to sit down and think this out), reality television eats brains. Like some sort of amorphous zombie specifically designed by Rupert Murdoch to drain America's youth of all original thought, reality television eats brains. It also pays my bills, though, so I'm going to shut up about it now. Chameleons. Honestly.
Anyway, Kevin reads the Tyra Mail and they all look at each other cluelessly, because all of their brain cells have systematically committed suicide from watching too many cycles of this very show. Finally, Lance says, "Maybe it's a challenge about identifying animals" and AJ responds, "Don't be retarded, chameleons are lizards." I think they've made my point for me.
While the rest of the boys lounge around smoking and not eating and trying to figure out what the challenge could be, AJ goes to the confessional where he confides his strategy for this cycle and chain smokes. I just want to point out that not only is he wearing a hat indoors (to hide his receding hairline, ha), but he is also wearing sunglasses. Inside. AT NIGHT. Quick, someone phone Cory Hart to let him know that there's at least one person who still takes his teachings seriously, even if it is an aging model with more eyeliner than hair.
AJ reveals that his strategy is to take out the competition by distracting them with sex: "Kevin and JC are my only real competition," he tells us between cigarette puffs, "so I'm just going to bleep them stupid until they start throwing photo shoots." Honey, I don't think you'll need to bleep them to make them stupid, but good luck with that. It's a stellar plan.
But lucky for us, not only is it makeover week, it's also "AJ is a slut" week. I suspect it's going to be "AJ is a slut" week for the next… how many weeks do we have left? Oh well, here's to hoping they have night vision cameras in the bedrooms.
Joey and Chris discuss the competition so far, now that three boys have already left, but mostly just bitch about how plus-sized models never get anywhere on this show. Or in real life, I want to tell them, but unfortunately for everyone involved, they can't hear me through my television screen. If they could, they'd be doing a whole lot better in the competition because I could explain how Tyra has to keep the plus-sized models around for long enough so as not to seem like a sizeist hypocrite, and also so that she can trot them out on her talk show later, when they have nothing better to do with their lives because, oh right, they are plus-sized models on a reality TV show on the CW.
Next we get to hear Chris complain to Howie about how it sucks to be the shortest boys in the competition. At least Howie isn't fat. Sorry, sorry-plus-sized. Nick listens to their discussion with this blank, glassy look on his face that says to me, "I have been tall and gorgeous my whole life, I have no idea what these people are talking about." Nick tells them all about how he used to be fat "like y'all" and how he fixed himself by not eating. "It really does work!" Chris glares so hard I fear that a) Nick's head is going to burst into flames and b) Chris's eyes are going to be swallowed by his face, and then he'll be short, plus-sized, and eyeless.
Makeover day! The boys arrive at the Ken Paves salon and half of them finally get it, while Lance still looks like he's trying to figure out which animals he might need to name. They're called Miss J, Tyra, and Mr. Jay, honey, and they're the only animals you'll ever need to know in this competition. Tyra and her minions greet the boys out front to tell them the amazing (ly awful) things that are about to be done to their heads. Tyra says that she'd like to see the softer side of Kevin (among other things), so he's getting long, flowing extensions. Kevin voices over that he's okay with the change: "I've had long hair before. It's better than getting my head shaved, which was what I was afraid of."
It's also what's in store for Justin, who will lose "that nappy, ratty mess" and start fresh. And bald. Nick will also be getting his floppy 90s skater boy haircut chopped off for something "more adult and edgy" according to Tyra. Edgy is the new fierce, and everyone should be afraid, especially Nick. Lance is going blond and spiky, which sounds like the name of some new Pete Wentz-svengalied emo band, but might actually look good on Lance. Tyra wants to open up Lance's face so we can see his beautiful eyes. I guess I agree with that assessment, if I replace the word "beautiful" with "freaky and lopsided."
JC is getting his hair relaxed and "I want someone to teach you how to style it. Give this boy some product!" JC smiles and seems happy with this idea, but that's probably because his actual brain is still on Mars with the crazy spit-marker from Project Runway. Or maybe that's just me, wishing I was watching Tim Gunn sashaying around the work room making his awesomely horrified faces. If Tim Gunn were on ANTM, I think my head would explode. "Models," Tim would say, "gather round, make it work, I'm worried, are you sure that puff-sleeved brocade jacket is appropriate?"
But he's not. So, back to Tyra. Sigh.
Everything is wrong with Chris, and he will be getting a whole new look that involves an entire lack of beard horns, braids, or pigtails. "We want you to look more cool and less like a member of the Insane Clown Posse," Tyra says, while attempting her impersonation of said Posse, which involves a lot of head swiveling and limb flailing. Apparently, Tyra thinks the Insane Clown Posse is an Alvin Ailey dance troupe on crack. The boys all giggle politely, or maybe in fear, and Chris voices over that Tyra is a dumb whore. Okay, no he doesn't, but that's pretty much the expression on his face.
Joey will be getting the same haircut as Lance, but without the highlights, and Howie… will also be getting the Lance haircut. He doesn't look pleased, but he tries to be brave for the cameras. "I've never had short hair before." He looks like he might vomit. "I'm really excited! Yay."
Brian's hair is apparently perfect the way it is, so they're just going to freshen it up and give Brian the edge he deserves. I wonder what sort of edge that is, but Brian looks satisfied. It won't take much to make Brian edgier than he is at the moment, which is precisely the sharpness of a spoon. AJ is last, but never least. "We have to do something about your hairline," Tyra says, "so we've brought in an expert." AJ is getting hair plugs. He looks actually offended, but Tyra must be pretty used to that facial expression from, you know, every single time she opens her mouth, because she barely even notices. She's probably too busy thinking up more interpretative dance metaphors. They go over so well!
Tyra leaves so as not to witness the actual makeover parts, but the Js stick around to be generally mocking and tell the boys to suck it up, this is how it is being a model (not that either of them actually know), you get no say in your look even though it should totally be your own and you need to own it, and more contradictions that I can barely follow but are the main fulcrum upon which this show balances.
Justin cries while they shave his head. Mr. Jay hands him a tissue and says something so condescending about how doesn't Justin just feel lighter and happier and freer now that I actually start to feel kind of sorry for the kid. Justin mumbles something that not even my closed captioning can figure out and watches sadly while they sweep up his curls and throw them away. "But my momma really loves my hair," he tells Jay. Tyra is your momma now, and isn't that the most terrifying thought in the world? Almost as bad as the fact that Janice Dickenson has a thirteen-year-old daughter. Back in the confessional, Justin weeps giant, beautiful model tears and looks like a sad, broken little doll: "I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I'm angry! It took me two years to grow my hair out. But if this is what Tyra thinks is right, I just have to accept it and, you know, I'm really meant for this and if it means giving up my hair, as long as I win, it'll all be okay." He actually looks good, which will probably go a long way toward helping him get over it. "I feel naked," he tells us. Oh, if only.
Joey, Lance, and Howie all end up with the exact same spiky haircut, but it looks best on Lance, who really does look about a million times better now that his horrible church boy haircut is gone. Every once in a while they show Kevin and AJ sitting side by side and wincing as horrible things are being done to their heads.
"I've never had extensions," Kevin tells Miss J, who smirks, hands him a Kleenex and says, "Beauty is pain, darling."
JC comes over to watch AJ getting his hair plugs. JC's makeover was too boring for them to actually film, apparently, but he looks pretty great. AJ thinks so, too. Plan: Seduce the Competition goes into full effect: "Wow, JC. You look gorgeous. I wish I had your hair."
JC preens and tells AJ that he can't think of it like plastic surgery. "It's more like an extension of the natural order of things, because, um, at the end of the day, uh, it's more like you're not getting something new, you're just, you know, becoming what you were always meant to be." And then there's some other stuff about honey bees and flowers and I'm pretty sure he throws in a metaphor about masturbation that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but AJ seems reassured.
Sigh. Okay so, when I agreed to recap this show, I made a solemn vow that I would not allow myself to like any of the contestants. They're just dumb models, I told myself, none of them even went to Yale, and they aren't worthy of investing emotion in or actually caring which one gets the meaningless title of America's Next Top Model so he can go on to do absolutely nothing else with his life aside from appearing on 'My Life As A Coverslut' segments. But I'm going to admit it now-they're kind of adorable. Only AJ and JC, though. The rest of them aren't adorable at all and I will continue to mock them in the manner to which I've become accustomed.
Speaking of adorable, Nick is getting the most fabulous haircut ever, and when they're done styling he looks like he stepped off the pages of my twelve-year-old sister's manga. He looks like an anime character, or like this dream I had once about being stuck inside World of Warcraft in the body of the annoying vagina doctor from Grey's Anatomy. There was a pirate ship and a hot tub and dark elves with swords trying to steal my mana and anyway, Nick's hair. Nick's hair is MAGIC. There are crazy spikes everywhere, and there's no way Nick's head will ever again look this awesome. Savor this moment.
After a hard day of being made over into the sometimes scary, sometimes awesome cartoon versions of themselves, the boys head back to the house where Justin immediately gets on the telephone to his mother and the obligatory "we all have families, why does this bitch get to hog the phone" drama begins.
"He's on the phone to his mom all the time," AJ interviews. "I love my mom, okay, it's not like I don't get it, but this is ridiculous. Plus he has that creepy tattoo on his back. It's all a little too Deliverance meets The Beverley Hillbillies, if you know what I mean." No, AJ, we have no idea. NOR DO WE WANT TO.
AJ takes his suspicions to JC, who looks more intrigued by the incestuous implications than worried. "Justin's still really young and he's never been away from home for this long before," JC says. "We're all kinda homesick, you know?" Yes, I imagine JC is very homesick for the red plains of his alien home world.
Nick interviews that he has no desire whatsoever to talk to his family, but Justin annoys him and he's pretty sure that Justin poured his protein shake mix down the drain, so to get back at him, Nick stands next to Justin in the confessional and coughs all over the place. He tells Justin that other people need to use the phone, too, and his hair isn't the end of the world so he should just grow up, or else Nick is going to cough and maybe sneeze on every door handle in the house and hide all the disinfectant spray.
There is screaming. I never knew guys' voices could get quite so high and so loud and so goat-like, but apparently Justin is very special. Justin yells that it's not nice to make fun of people's obsessive compulsive disorders and Nick yells back that Justin shouldn't be hogging the phone and stealing people's shoes. Brian just wants everyone to get along, and Joey thinks they should have a house meeting. There is more screaming, but almost all the words are bleeped out. I think we can safely assume there were an abundance of bitches being bandied about.
Justin in the confessional: "You know, I don't make fun of the others for being fat or formerly balding or short or the stupid way their faces look, so you know, I just don't think it's cool to use someone's psychiatric disorder against them. Luckily, I brought my own case of disinfectant spray, so Nick can go bleep himself. I hate him! And his hair is stupid!"
Tyra Mail!: "A zebra can't change its stripes, but in this business, you have to be constantly evolving. It's time to put those skills to the test."
Lance interviews that he thinks that means they'll have to be animals for their photo shoot, because this whole week has been about animals, except for how it hasn't. AJ says he doesn't care what the photo shoot is, just so long as he rocks it. He looks much better with the new hair. He also seems to know this, because he interviews that his hairline has been like that since birth, but he's happy with the new hair anyway. "If Tyra wants me to be a chameleon, I'll do it. But I am going to be America's Next Top Model. Just you wait and see." And of course, since it's my job, that's exactly what I'll be doing.
Jay Manuel meets them at the photo shoot, where he informs them that, in order to become proper chameleons, they're going to embrace rock 'n roll clichés, whatever that means. The only thing I can really think is that the writers are fucking with Tyra. It's a dangerous game. Tyra will eat their bones for breakfast when she finally figures out this whole chameleon business. So possibly never.
JC is up first, and after the usual Covergirl Cosmetics product placement ("My lips taste like cucumbers!" JC informs the make-up artist excitedly), it's time to take some actual pictures. JC is, well, I suppose he's meant to be a glam rocker, but he looks more like a giant Bratz Doll to me. There's a lot of glitter. There's a purple velvet suit that looks like something Gene Wilder would wear, and a sparkly silver cape. But JC works it and he's determined not to be in the bottom two this week. Jay tells him that he's fierce and every frame is a keeper. He's like a panther or a leopard or some other giant cat, all rolled up into a purple suit and fringed with lace, and Jay loves everything he does. JC interviews that he thinks he did okay, but he never knows what Tyra and the judges will think. And that is probably a good thing.
Nick is next, and I'm not really sure what rock 'n roll cliché he's supposed to be, because he just looks like a long-lost member of Flock of Seagulls. He works it, though, and Jay says he's not sure Nick is capable of taking a bad picture. Foreshadowing?
Next up is Lance, who is a rapper. I think that Tyra must really hate Lance and want him gone, because this boy is the furthest thing from a rapper it is ever possible to be. They would've done better turning him into Melissa Etheridge, but no. It's all baggy pants and bling and a GRILL. Lance grimaces through the photo shoot and Jay tells him to loosen up and get into character. Lance interviews that it's hard to get into a character that is fundamentally offensive to his people. I wonder what he considers "his people" to be, because my first thought was, I can see how lesbians would be offended by rap music.
Brian is a gospel singer. There's not much else to say about that, although he comes off more as a naughty, sexy priest than anything else, and Jay warns him not to be so stiff, but don't let it slide into raunchiness, either.
It's Kevin's turn, and they've somehow transformed him into Dave Grohl, if Dave Grohl had any cheekbones whatsoever. The other boys watch Kevin's shoot and Justin complains that if he had Alternative, he'd be rocking it, too. Jay tells Kevin that he didn't realize Kevin could be so ugly. "But model ugly, not real person ugly. This is the best shoot so far of the competition." Kevin looks pleased. Justin looks like he's going to cry again. And he's next.
Justin is dressed as John Travolta on crack, but with a wig that looks like they sewed together his recently-shaved afro and added ten pounds of grease. There's a horrible white bell-bottomed jumpsuit involved. Jay tells Justin he's doing great but "give me a little more Stayin' Alive, a little less Boogie Nights." Quick, someone get that boy a pair of roller skates and a lollipop. He can star in the next William Margold classic as a fill-in for Roller Girl. It'll be called Roll Bounce (On My Dick) and Janice Dickenson will sign him just because he makes her feel classy. Justin interviews with mascara running down his cheeks in perfect little black rivers: "I'm doomed. I'm completely doomed."
Joey's cliché is 50s-style crooner. He looks very dashing in his tuxedo and he does a pretty good job, which just makes me sad because he's a plus-sized model. He's not going to win regardless of how amazing he is.
The same goes for Chris, who looks amazing as a punk rocker. The spiky hair is pretty fun, although I was personally very fond of the wacky Insane Clown Posse braids. Jay tells Chris that he needs to loosen up and not think so much during the shoot. "He did okay at the end," Jay interviews, "but I had to direct him through every shot."
Howie looks like Ricky Martin's wet dream come true. Actually, he looks like Antonio Banderas's mini-me, but it's a good thing. Jay tells him to flirt with the camera, and Howie does. In fact, Howie flirts so hard it's like Constantine Maroulis-level of camera sex and I'm pretty sure half the women watching this show have been impregnated by the sheer flirtatious power of Howie's eyes.
Last (but never least) is AJ, who is dressed like a cross between a ring master and Marilyn Manson including but not limited to: fingerless, bedazzled gloves, a waistcoat, a cravat, floppy hair, and a sparkly butterfly painted on his face. Team AJ, I fear for your continued existence. AJ tries to work it, but he ends up looking more angry than emo, and I can hardly blame him. I'd be pissed if someone had drawn a sparkly butterfly on my face, too. I keep expecting him to press on his magic earring and say, "Showtime, Synergy!" Jay interviews that he's not that sure of how much AJ wants this, judging from his performance at the photo shoot today. Jay doubts AJ's commitment to Sparklemotion.
Back at the house, JC interviews that he's sure he's going to go home at judging tomorrow and he's not quite crying, but he looks pretty sad. "It's just that, you know, at the end of the day, I've made some really great friends here and I don't want to leave yet." Translation: he doesn't want to leave before he experiences the full benefit of AJ's Plan. I guess if I were a model, and a man, and was living in a galaxy far far away, blowjobs might be a good enough motivation to want to stay.
Everyone collectively and not-at-all in a staged way decides to spend the evening out by the hot tub, relaxing after a long day of smoking and not eating and being dressed up like whores. I mean rock star clichés. No, I take that back, I mean whores. They discuss how they all did and what they think the judges want from them. Justin tells them that Jay said he was the best out of all of them, "especially since my character was such a stretch" and death glares are exchanged. Brian says that lying is bad for the soul and will give you wrinkles, to which Justin responds by drinking straight out of a bottle of Asti, because alcohol plus hot tubs is always a good idea. JC is practically on AJ's lap at this point, and okay, let's just admit something here: I am on Team Letterboys. I own my shame; I'll have t-shirts made, whatever, but there it is: Team Letterboys all the way!
Let me set the scene properly: it's a beautiful night in Los Angeles. The stars are doing their thing, shining and twinkling above and the camera makes sure to get a nice panorama of the city view off the back of the house before zooming in on the hot tub, where an overly-tattooed man with a "very normal" hairline attempts to devour his alien lover whole. Or possibly they're just kissing, but there are bubbles and no hands that can be seen above water, and then the Christian with the edgy hair opens his eyes, squeaks, and gets out of the tub. "There are beds for that kind of thing," the Christian says. "Beds are for mere humans," the alien replies.
Well, maybe not, but that's the way it definitely happens in my head. (And in the heads of every middle school fanfiction writer. -Ed.)
Tyra Mail!: In the evolution of life, you either stand out or fade away. Tomorrow you will face the judges, blah blah, only nine will continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Washed-Up Skank. And if you're very lucky like one Lisa D'Amato, you may even end up with a Cisco Adler of your own! It'd be worth it for the balls alone. Yum.
Tyra introduces the judges. Noted fashion photographer Nigel "hotter than all the models" Barker, Living Legend and Notable Old Thing Twiggy, Miss J. Alexander: Runway Diva and Professional Bitchy McSnobbington Extraordinaire, and the guest judge today, their Rolling Stone photographer, Some Middle-Aged White Guy, who has shot such famous people as Nickelback. Wow. Now that is an impressive resume. And of course, the prizes, which we will be hearing about every week until the end of time.
Judging time! Tyra notes that their makeovers went really well and compliments herself on doing such an amazing job picking out new heads for them. JC wanders up to the front and stands around looking like a lost little waif in a British period piece while they judge his photo. Twiggy thinks it's fabulous: "It's like a throw back to David Bowie, but better-looking. I didn't know one's hips could bend that way!"
Tyra explains that Jay had some things to say about JC's photo shoot. "He's worried that you seem to be a completely different person during shoots than you are in person." Nigel notes that JC seems lost, and JC tries to explain about his alien home world, but the judges just look confused until Tyra cuts him off with an, "Okay, thank you." JC stares significantly at AJ as if to say, "But I never got my blowjob, I can't go home yet!" Also, I'm pretty sure ANTM won't shell out the cash for the beaming technology necessary to return JC to the mothership. Poor JC, stuck here with the rest of the Earthlings where he will never be understood, except maybe by dogs and small woodland critters.
Nick is next, and Twiggy loves his makeover: "You look almost like a creature, it's fantastic." Behind Nick waiting his turn, Lance jumps up and down excitedly-he knew it had something to do with animals! Howie is next, and Nigel compliments him on the way he connects with the camera. Tyra says, "I feel like you're trying to seduce me with this photo!" Howie looks alarmed. He's thinking, "We should have shotguns for this kind of job."
Kevin struts his stuff to the front of the room. His picture is flawless and scary. Impressive Resume Guy comments that Kevin was by far the easiest model to work with and that he captured the spirit of the character perfectly. Lance and his lopsided eyes are next. "I'm sorry," Nigel says, "but this is atrocious." It really is. Poor Lance looks like his lopsided eyes are about to sprout tears as he explains that his character was really hard to work with because he has trouble identifying with misogynistic and violent themes. Twiggy is floored that one of the boys knows a word with more than two syllables. Tyra comes back with her usual "sometimes as models we have to do things that suck" speech, and Lance cries for her on cue, so he'll be staying.
Commercials! And the Coverboy of the Week is: Justin! He is a perfect combination of white trash and ghetto, yo shizzle my homeskillet, just like TruBlends Face Powders!
Chris stomps up in his usual cloud of anger and resentment. Nigel and Miss J love his picture, but Tyra says that Jay says that in the longest game of telephone ever, Chris seems to hate photo shoots and modeling in general. "Why are you here?" Tyra wants to know. "To meet hot guys," Chris responds. Or not. He spouts off the usual BS about wanting to prove that normal-looking people can be role models, too. But Chris, that still doesn't include you, honey.
Justin is next, and somehow, his disco photo is the best thing I've ever seen. Justin smirks humbly while they tell him he's the best thing since sliced bread, and Twiggy thinks it's a shame they shaved his afro. Vindicated, Justin pulls a giant sword from his skin-tight Guess jeans and lops Tyra's head off, holding it by its glued-on wig and yelling "I AM ALWAYS RIGHT" in her unthinkable face. Before he can get too carried away, though, Tyra cautions him to make sure he's not too "men's magazine." She demonstrates a truly disturbing pout: "This was your expression in 90% of the shots." Justin puts his sword away and nods.
It's Brian's turn, and the judges think he's 'nice.' "Nice has been the death of many a model's career," Nigel says, and Brian nods happily. Joey ambles forward smiling and happy and Joey-like, and the judges love him and his bubbly personality. His photo is strong. "He looks like a man," Twiggy says. Way to have eyes there, Twigster.
And last (but never least) is AJ. Miss J mimes puking into his top hat, which Tyra explains will get taller and taller with each boy eliminated. AJ's photo is pretty awful. "Who decided on that butterfly?" Nigel wants to know. "It's taking up half his face and the other half is covered by hair." Tyra thinks that this was a styling issue, but AJ did the best he could with what was given. "It's still a terrible picture," Miss J says reassuringly.
The judges deliberate! Twiggy loves them all except Justin, who she thinks is arrogant and bratty. "But is it arrogance or confidence?" Tyra wonders. They move on to JC, who disturbs Nigel "on a very profound level." His photos are gorgeous, but the judges aren't sure he's "all there." No doubt he is distracted, dreaming of the moon-drenched shores of Transylvania. They discuss AJ's disastrous styling and Lance's pansiness: "What is he going to do when a photographer wants him to pretend to be interested in women?" the photographer wants to know. Tyra dispenses her age old wisdom: "Well, you know what my momma always says: sometimes you just have to learn to fake it."
Ten models stand before Tyra, but she only has nine FOW-TOWs in her hands. And the winners are: Kevin and his new weave, Howie and his ability to impregnate people via by the power of his eyes alone, Brian, Chris (whose photo Tyra hands over reluctantly, with an admonishment that he needs to work on his attitude and show the judges that he wants to be there), Dragon Ball Nick: Warrior Princess, Joey, Justin (who the judges feel needs to work on being more humble lest his confidence be read as arrogance), and somehow AJ. "Even though your photo was the worst in the bunch, the judges feel that your styling was inappropriate and want to give you another chance."
That leaves Lance and JC. They hold hands and Lance cries while Tyra hands down the final sentencing: Lance is amazing and full of life in person (really? For serious?), but he can't put the spark they see during judging into his photos. While JC is, of course the opposite-Jay says he seems to come to life on set, like a wind-up doll, but otherwise he seems lost and the judges aren't sure if he has the desire to be here. So who do they keep? The boy who takes terrible pictures but is nearly bursting with enthusiasm? Or the boy who takes beautiful photos, but reminds them of the creepy robot daughter from Small Wonder?
Small Wonder gets another chance and he wanders over to the rest of the boys while Tyra sends a sobbing Lance on his way. Good-bye, Lopsided Eyes, we'll miss you.
Lance is sad that he's leaving, but he's sure that this isn't the end for him and he's going to be a model with or without Tyra. He's going to miss the other boys and he's sorry to be leaving the competition so soon, before he really had a chance to prove his animal-naming, chameleon-like abilities.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Kevin tries to steal AJ away from JC, Justin calls someone "a stupid slutbag, yo," and Brian tries to explain how all of Kevin's right shoes and half of JC's underwear ended up in his suitcase. Also: ballet class! And Top Model's most controversial photo shoot yet!
Now, onto the fic. I'm reposting mine here, because I'm that anal retentive and I like to have all my shit aligned in one place. I will be responding to all the fabulous feedback I received in a bit.
Still in the Running
Fandom: popslash
Pairing: AJ/JC
Comments: Written for MtYG 2007, at trumpeterofdoom's request. I wish there could've been more actual Letterboys in it, and it were as funny as I imagined in my head. Otherwise, I am very happy.
Summary: America's Next Top Model goes popslash. Ten beautiful boys stand before me, but only one will be named America's next top model!
Previously on America's Next Top Model: The boys were forced to confront their fear of heights (and clowns!) when they visited the circus to get a lesson in tightrope-walking from Miss J. They had (another) circus photo shoot (The last one was carnival themes, actually. So that's totally different! -Ed. ) and while some of the boys seemed right at home in the circus, Ashley left the competition in a blaze of bitter humiliation, queening it up all over the place. He was like, "I'm the most prettiest boy that ever lived and I am fierce as the fiercest thing that ever sprouted claws," but we all know that secretly he was eternally grateful to the Top Model gods that he got cut just in time to miss makeovers. Which are this week, lucky us.
JC interviews about being in the bottom two and how scary it is. Or at least, I think that's what he's trying to say, but it's hard to tell when he starts out talking about how relieved he was when Tyra called his name and ends with his theories on self-body-ownership and why he doesn't like to get naked. If this were Project Runway, Heidi Klum would be asking what planet JC was from and how she could obtain whatever magical drugs he's clearly on. But instead we get Tyra, who will probably find this charming. Charming how she's going to totally break his little alien spirit, that is.
Justin's in the confessional to explain how being a model is the only thing he's ever wanted to do, ever, and it's going to happen no matter what because it's his destiny, just like it's the destiny of every other little unique snowflake to ever be on this show. I'm distracted by his hair. I find myself trying to calculate exactly how much product has to go into that hot mess of a white man's fro to get it to stand up like that. I'm figuring at least two bottles of Aquanet a week. If Al Gore watches ANTM (and you know he does), he's throwing up his zero carbon foot-printed dinner right now.
Anyway, Justin will stop at nothing to win, he tells us. This is immediately juxtaposed with Kevin wondering where all his right shoes have gone, and JC babbling on about how somehow, half his underwear have giant holes in the crotch and the rest seem to have disappeared in the laundry. Justin looks shifty and I wouldn't put it past him to be a sneaky little saboteur, if only he knew what that word meant. It's nothing compared to Nicole's power bars incident, but it's a start.
Tyra mail! Kevin, as the only one of them who can actually read entire words, opens it up: "Roses are red, violets are blue. Chameleons transform, what about you?"
Brian is the only one who seems to notice how this makes no sense at all. He interviews to explain his opinions on low-brow reality television and the ways in which it is slowly but surely eating away the brains of young people. He points to this cycle's crop of wannabes (himself excluded of course)-they've been watching ANTM for six cycles and there's barely anything left.
And of course, he's pretty much right. In fact, I'm surprised Nick still has enough brain power left to control his muscle movement, and sometimes during photo shoots, I suspect he has lost all motor function completely. Seriously, the least the writers could do it to get their Tyra Mail animals right. And I mean the very least.
What's ironic, of course, is that a chameleon-okay, no. If I have to explain it, it's not irony anymore. At least, that's what I learned from watching Reality Bites. (That, and how to live off your parents' gas cards so as not to have to betray your generation by working at the GAP -Ed) .
My point is (and Brian's, if he spent enough time to sit down and think this out), reality television eats brains. Like some sort of amorphous zombie specifically designed by Rupert Murdoch to drain America's youth of all original thought, reality television eats brains. It also pays my bills, though, so I'm going to shut up about it now. Chameleons. Honestly.
Anyway, Kevin reads the Tyra Mail and they all look at each other cluelessly, because all of their brain cells have systematically committed suicide from watching too many cycles of this very show. Finally, Lance says, "Maybe it's a challenge about identifying animals" and AJ responds, "Don't be retarded, chameleons are lizards." I think they've made my point for me.
While the rest of the boys lounge around smoking and not eating and trying to figure out what the challenge could be, AJ goes to the confessional where he confides his strategy for this cycle and chain smokes. I just want to point out that not only is he wearing a hat indoors (to hide his receding hairline, ha), but he is also wearing sunglasses. Inside. AT NIGHT. Quick, someone phone Cory Hart to let him know that there's at least one person who still takes his teachings seriously, even if it is an aging model with more eyeliner than hair.
AJ reveals that his strategy is to take out the competition by distracting them with sex: "Kevin and JC are my only real competition," he tells us between cigarette puffs, "so I'm just going to bleep them stupid until they start throwing photo shoots." Honey, I don't think you'll need to bleep them to make them stupid, but good luck with that. It's a stellar plan.
But lucky for us, not only is it makeover week, it's also "AJ is a slut" week. I suspect it's going to be "AJ is a slut" week for the next… how many weeks do we have left? Oh well, here's to hoping they have night vision cameras in the bedrooms.
Joey and Chris discuss the competition so far, now that three boys have already left, but mostly just bitch about how plus-sized models never get anywhere on this show. Or in real life, I want to tell them, but unfortunately for everyone involved, they can't hear me through my television screen. If they could, they'd be doing a whole lot better in the competition because I could explain how Tyra has to keep the plus-sized models around for long enough so as not to seem like a sizeist hypocrite, and also so that she can trot them out on her talk show later, when they have nothing better to do with their lives because, oh right, they are plus-sized models on a reality TV show on the CW.
Next we get to hear Chris complain to Howie about how it sucks to be the shortest boys in the competition. At least Howie isn't fat. Sorry, sorry-plus-sized. Nick listens to their discussion with this blank, glassy look on his face that says to me, "I have been tall and gorgeous my whole life, I have no idea what these people are talking about." Nick tells them all about how he used to be fat "like y'all" and how he fixed himself by not eating. "It really does work!" Chris glares so hard I fear that a) Nick's head is going to burst into flames and b) Chris's eyes are going to be swallowed by his face, and then he'll be short, plus-sized, and eyeless.
Makeover day! The boys arrive at the Ken Paves salon and half of them finally get it, while Lance still looks like he's trying to figure out which animals he might need to name. They're called Miss J, Tyra, and Mr. Jay, honey, and they're the only animals you'll ever need to know in this competition. Tyra and her minions greet the boys out front to tell them the amazing (ly awful) things that are about to be done to their heads. Tyra says that she'd like to see the softer side of Kevin (among other things), so he's getting long, flowing extensions. Kevin voices over that he's okay with the change: "I've had long hair before. It's better than getting my head shaved, which was what I was afraid of."
It's also what's in store for Justin, who will lose "that nappy, ratty mess" and start fresh. And bald. Nick will also be getting his floppy 90s skater boy haircut chopped off for something "more adult and edgy" according to Tyra. Edgy is the new fierce, and everyone should be afraid, especially Nick. Lance is going blond and spiky, which sounds like the name of some new Pete Wentz-svengalied emo band, but might actually look good on Lance. Tyra wants to open up Lance's face so we can see his beautiful eyes. I guess I agree with that assessment, if I replace the word "beautiful" with "freaky and lopsided."
JC is getting his hair relaxed and "I want someone to teach you how to style it. Give this boy some product!" JC smiles and seems happy with this idea, but that's probably because his actual brain is still on Mars with the crazy spit-marker from Project Runway. Or maybe that's just me, wishing I was watching Tim Gunn sashaying around the work room making his awesomely horrified faces. If Tim Gunn were on ANTM, I think my head would explode. "Models," Tim would say, "gather round, make it work, I'm worried, are you sure that puff-sleeved brocade jacket is appropriate?"
But he's not. So, back to Tyra. Sigh.
Everything is wrong with Chris, and he will be getting a whole new look that involves an entire lack of beard horns, braids, or pigtails. "We want you to look more cool and less like a member of the Insane Clown Posse," Tyra says, while attempting her impersonation of said Posse, which involves a lot of head swiveling and limb flailing. Apparently, Tyra thinks the Insane Clown Posse is an Alvin Ailey dance troupe on crack. The boys all giggle politely, or maybe in fear, and Chris voices over that Tyra is a dumb whore. Okay, no he doesn't, but that's pretty much the expression on his face.
Joey will be getting the same haircut as Lance, but without the highlights, and Howie… will also be getting the Lance haircut. He doesn't look pleased, but he tries to be brave for the cameras. "I've never had short hair before." He looks like he might vomit. "I'm really excited! Yay."
Brian's hair is apparently perfect the way it is, so they're just going to freshen it up and give Brian the edge he deserves. I wonder what sort of edge that is, but Brian looks satisfied. It won't take much to make Brian edgier than he is at the moment, which is precisely the sharpness of a spoon. AJ is last, but never least. "We have to do something about your hairline," Tyra says, "so we've brought in an expert." AJ is getting hair plugs. He looks actually offended, but Tyra must be pretty used to that facial expression from, you know, every single time she opens her mouth, because she barely even notices. She's probably too busy thinking up more interpretative dance metaphors. They go over so well!
Tyra leaves so as not to witness the actual makeover parts, but the Js stick around to be generally mocking and tell the boys to suck it up, this is how it is being a model (not that either of them actually know), you get no say in your look even though it should totally be your own and you need to own it, and more contradictions that I can barely follow but are the main fulcrum upon which this show balances.
Justin cries while they shave his head. Mr. Jay hands him a tissue and says something so condescending about how doesn't Justin just feel lighter and happier and freer now that I actually start to feel kind of sorry for the kid. Justin mumbles something that not even my closed captioning can figure out and watches sadly while they sweep up his curls and throw them away. "But my momma really loves my hair," he tells Jay. Tyra is your momma now, and isn't that the most terrifying thought in the world? Almost as bad as the fact that Janice Dickenson has a thirteen-year-old daughter. Back in the confessional, Justin weeps giant, beautiful model tears and looks like a sad, broken little doll: "I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because I'm angry! It took me two years to grow my hair out. But if this is what Tyra thinks is right, I just have to accept it and, you know, I'm really meant for this and if it means giving up my hair, as long as I win, it'll all be okay." He actually looks good, which will probably go a long way toward helping him get over it. "I feel naked," he tells us. Oh, if only.
Joey, Lance, and Howie all end up with the exact same spiky haircut, but it looks best on Lance, who really does look about a million times better now that his horrible church boy haircut is gone. Every once in a while they show Kevin and AJ sitting side by side and wincing as horrible things are being done to their heads.
"I've never had extensions," Kevin tells Miss J, who smirks, hands him a Kleenex and says, "Beauty is pain, darling."
JC comes over to watch AJ getting his hair plugs. JC's makeover was too boring for them to actually film, apparently, but he looks pretty great. AJ thinks so, too. Plan: Seduce the Competition goes into full effect: "Wow, JC. You look gorgeous. I wish I had your hair."
JC preens and tells AJ that he can't think of it like plastic surgery. "It's more like an extension of the natural order of things, because, um, at the end of the day, uh, it's more like you're not getting something new, you're just, you know, becoming what you were always meant to be." And then there's some other stuff about honey bees and flowers and I'm pretty sure he throws in a metaphor about masturbation that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but AJ seems reassured.
Sigh. Okay so, when I agreed to recap this show, I made a solemn vow that I would not allow myself to like any of the contestants. They're just dumb models, I told myself, none of them even went to Yale, and they aren't worthy of investing emotion in or actually caring which one gets the meaningless title of America's Next Top Model so he can go on to do absolutely nothing else with his life aside from appearing on 'My Life As A Coverslut' segments. But I'm going to admit it now-they're kind of adorable. Only AJ and JC, though. The rest of them aren't adorable at all and I will continue to mock them in the manner to which I've become accustomed.
Speaking of adorable, Nick is getting the most fabulous haircut ever, and when they're done styling he looks like he stepped off the pages of my twelve-year-old sister's manga. He looks like an anime character, or like this dream I had once about being stuck inside World of Warcraft in the body of the annoying vagina doctor from Grey's Anatomy. There was a pirate ship and a hot tub and dark elves with swords trying to steal my mana and anyway, Nick's hair. Nick's hair is MAGIC. There are crazy spikes everywhere, and there's no way Nick's head will ever again look this awesome. Savor this moment.
After a hard day of being made over into the sometimes scary, sometimes awesome cartoon versions of themselves, the boys head back to the house where Justin immediately gets on the telephone to his mother and the obligatory "we all have families, why does this bitch get to hog the phone" drama begins.
"He's on the phone to his mom all the time," AJ interviews. "I love my mom, okay, it's not like I don't get it, but this is ridiculous. Plus he has that creepy tattoo on his back. It's all a little too Deliverance meets The Beverley Hillbillies, if you know what I mean." No, AJ, we have no idea. NOR DO WE WANT TO.
AJ takes his suspicions to JC, who looks more intrigued by the incestuous implications than worried. "Justin's still really young and he's never been away from home for this long before," JC says. "We're all kinda homesick, you know?" Yes, I imagine JC is very homesick for the red plains of his alien home world.
Nick interviews that he has no desire whatsoever to talk to his family, but Justin annoys him and he's pretty sure that Justin poured his protein shake mix down the drain, so to get back at him, Nick stands next to Justin in the confessional and coughs all over the place. He tells Justin that other people need to use the phone, too, and his hair isn't the end of the world so he should just grow up, or else Nick is going to cough and maybe sneeze on every door handle in the house and hide all the disinfectant spray.
There is screaming. I never knew guys' voices could get quite so high and so loud and so goat-like, but apparently Justin is very special. Justin yells that it's not nice to make fun of people's obsessive compulsive disorders and Nick yells back that Justin shouldn't be hogging the phone and stealing people's shoes. Brian just wants everyone to get along, and Joey thinks they should have a house meeting. There is more screaming, but almost all the words are bleeped out. I think we can safely assume there were an abundance of bitches being bandied about.
Justin in the confessional: "You know, I don't make fun of the others for being fat or formerly balding or short or the stupid way their faces look, so you know, I just don't think it's cool to use someone's psychiatric disorder against them. Luckily, I brought my own case of disinfectant spray, so Nick can go bleep himself. I hate him! And his hair is stupid!"
Tyra Mail!: "A zebra can't change its stripes, but in this business, you have to be constantly evolving. It's time to put those skills to the test."
Lance interviews that he thinks that means they'll have to be animals for their photo shoot, because this whole week has been about animals, except for how it hasn't. AJ says he doesn't care what the photo shoot is, just so long as he rocks it. He looks much better with the new hair. He also seems to know this, because he interviews that his hairline has been like that since birth, but he's happy with the new hair anyway. "If Tyra wants me to be a chameleon, I'll do it. But I am going to be America's Next Top Model. Just you wait and see." And of course, since it's my job, that's exactly what I'll be doing.
Jay Manuel meets them at the photo shoot, where he informs them that, in order to become proper chameleons, they're going to embrace rock 'n roll clichés, whatever that means. The only thing I can really think is that the writers are fucking with Tyra. It's a dangerous game. Tyra will eat their bones for breakfast when she finally figures out this whole chameleon business. So possibly never.
JC is up first, and after the usual Covergirl Cosmetics product placement ("My lips taste like cucumbers!" JC informs the make-up artist excitedly), it's time to take some actual pictures. JC is, well, I suppose he's meant to be a glam rocker, but he looks more like a giant Bratz Doll to me. There's a lot of glitter. There's a purple velvet suit that looks like something Gene Wilder would wear, and a sparkly silver cape. But JC works it and he's determined not to be in the bottom two this week. Jay tells him that he's fierce and every frame is a keeper. He's like a panther or a leopard or some other giant cat, all rolled up into a purple suit and fringed with lace, and Jay loves everything he does. JC interviews that he thinks he did okay, but he never knows what Tyra and the judges will think. And that is probably a good thing.
Nick is next, and I'm not really sure what rock 'n roll cliché he's supposed to be, because he just looks like a long-lost member of Flock of Seagulls. He works it, though, and Jay says he's not sure Nick is capable of taking a bad picture. Foreshadowing?
Next up is Lance, who is a rapper. I think that Tyra must really hate Lance and want him gone, because this boy is the furthest thing from a rapper it is ever possible to be. They would've done better turning him into Melissa Etheridge, but no. It's all baggy pants and bling and a GRILL. Lance grimaces through the photo shoot and Jay tells him to loosen up and get into character. Lance interviews that it's hard to get into a character that is fundamentally offensive to his people. I wonder what he considers "his people" to be, because my first thought was, I can see how lesbians would be offended by rap music.
Brian is a gospel singer. There's not much else to say about that, although he comes off more as a naughty, sexy priest than anything else, and Jay warns him not to be so stiff, but don't let it slide into raunchiness, either.
It's Kevin's turn, and they've somehow transformed him into Dave Grohl, if Dave Grohl had any cheekbones whatsoever. The other boys watch Kevin's shoot and Justin complains that if he had Alternative, he'd be rocking it, too. Jay tells Kevin that he didn't realize Kevin could be so ugly. "But model ugly, not real person ugly. This is the best shoot so far of the competition." Kevin looks pleased. Justin looks like he's going to cry again. And he's next.
Justin is dressed as John Travolta on crack, but with a wig that looks like they sewed together his recently-shaved afro and added ten pounds of grease. There's a horrible white bell-bottomed jumpsuit involved. Jay tells Justin he's doing great but "give me a little more Stayin' Alive, a little less Boogie Nights." Quick, someone get that boy a pair of roller skates and a lollipop. He can star in the next William Margold classic as a fill-in for Roller Girl. It'll be called Roll Bounce (On My Dick) and Janice Dickenson will sign him just because he makes her feel classy. Justin interviews with mascara running down his cheeks in perfect little black rivers: "I'm doomed. I'm completely doomed."
Joey's cliché is 50s-style crooner. He looks very dashing in his tuxedo and he does a pretty good job, which just makes me sad because he's a plus-sized model. He's not going to win regardless of how amazing he is.
The same goes for Chris, who looks amazing as a punk rocker. The spiky hair is pretty fun, although I was personally very fond of the wacky Insane Clown Posse braids. Jay tells Chris that he needs to loosen up and not think so much during the shoot. "He did okay at the end," Jay interviews, "but I had to direct him through every shot."
Howie looks like Ricky Martin's wet dream come true. Actually, he looks like Antonio Banderas's mini-me, but it's a good thing. Jay tells him to flirt with the camera, and Howie does. In fact, Howie flirts so hard it's like Constantine Maroulis-level of camera sex and I'm pretty sure half the women watching this show have been impregnated by the sheer flirtatious power of Howie's eyes.
Last (but never least) is AJ, who is dressed like a cross between a ring master and Marilyn Manson including but not limited to: fingerless, bedazzled gloves, a waistcoat, a cravat, floppy hair, and a sparkly butterfly painted on his face. Team AJ, I fear for your continued existence. AJ tries to work it, but he ends up looking more angry than emo, and I can hardly blame him. I'd be pissed if someone had drawn a sparkly butterfly on my face, too. I keep expecting him to press on his magic earring and say, "Showtime, Synergy!" Jay interviews that he's not that sure of how much AJ wants this, judging from his performance at the photo shoot today. Jay doubts AJ's commitment to Sparklemotion.
Back at the house, JC interviews that he's sure he's going to go home at judging tomorrow and he's not quite crying, but he looks pretty sad. "It's just that, you know, at the end of the day, I've made some really great friends here and I don't want to leave yet." Translation: he doesn't want to leave before he experiences the full benefit of AJ's Plan. I guess if I were a model, and a man, and was living in a galaxy far far away, blowjobs might be a good enough motivation to want to stay.
Everyone collectively and not-at-all in a staged way decides to spend the evening out by the hot tub, relaxing after a long day of smoking and not eating and being dressed up like whores. I mean rock star clichés. No, I take that back, I mean whores. They discuss how they all did and what they think the judges want from them. Justin tells them that Jay said he was the best out of all of them, "especially since my character was such a stretch" and death glares are exchanged. Brian says that lying is bad for the soul and will give you wrinkles, to which Justin responds by drinking straight out of a bottle of Asti, because alcohol plus hot tubs is always a good idea. JC is practically on AJ's lap at this point, and okay, let's just admit something here: I am on Team Letterboys. I own my shame; I'll have t-shirts made, whatever, but there it is: Team Letterboys all the way!
Let me set the scene properly: it's a beautiful night in Los Angeles. The stars are doing their thing, shining and twinkling above and the camera makes sure to get a nice panorama of the city view off the back of the house before zooming in on the hot tub, where an overly-tattooed man with a "very normal" hairline attempts to devour his alien lover whole. Or possibly they're just kissing, but there are bubbles and no hands that can be seen above water, and then the Christian with the edgy hair opens his eyes, squeaks, and gets out of the tub. "There are beds for that kind of thing," the Christian says. "Beds are for mere humans," the alien replies.
Well, maybe not, but that's the way it definitely happens in my head. (And in the heads of every middle school fanfiction writer. -Ed.)
Tyra Mail!: In the evolution of life, you either stand out or fade away. Tomorrow you will face the judges, blah blah, only nine will continue on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Washed-Up Skank. And if you're very lucky like one Lisa D'Amato, you may even end up with a Cisco Adler of your own! It'd be worth it for the balls alone. Yum.
Tyra introduces the judges. Noted fashion photographer Nigel "hotter than all the models" Barker, Living Legend and Notable Old Thing Twiggy, Miss J. Alexander: Runway Diva and Professional Bitchy McSnobbington Extraordinaire, and the guest judge today, their Rolling Stone photographer, Some Middle-Aged White Guy, who has shot such famous people as Nickelback. Wow. Now that is an impressive resume. And of course, the prizes, which we will be hearing about every week until the end of time.
Judging time! Tyra notes that their makeovers went really well and compliments herself on doing such an amazing job picking out new heads for them. JC wanders up to the front and stands around looking like a lost little waif in a British period piece while they judge his photo. Twiggy thinks it's fabulous: "It's like a throw back to David Bowie, but better-looking. I didn't know one's hips could bend that way!"
Tyra explains that Jay had some things to say about JC's photo shoot. "He's worried that you seem to be a completely different person during shoots than you are in person." Nigel notes that JC seems lost, and JC tries to explain about his alien home world, but the judges just look confused until Tyra cuts him off with an, "Okay, thank you." JC stares significantly at AJ as if to say, "But I never got my blowjob, I can't go home yet!" Also, I'm pretty sure ANTM won't shell out the cash for the beaming technology necessary to return JC to the mothership. Poor JC, stuck here with the rest of the Earthlings where he will never be understood, except maybe by dogs and small woodland critters.
Nick is next, and Twiggy loves his makeover: "You look almost like a creature, it's fantastic." Behind Nick waiting his turn, Lance jumps up and down excitedly-he knew it had something to do with animals! Howie is next, and Nigel compliments him on the way he connects with the camera. Tyra says, "I feel like you're trying to seduce me with this photo!" Howie looks alarmed. He's thinking, "We should have shotguns for this kind of job."
Kevin struts his stuff to the front of the room. His picture is flawless and scary. Impressive Resume Guy comments that Kevin was by far the easiest model to work with and that he captured the spirit of the character perfectly. Lance and his lopsided eyes are next. "I'm sorry," Nigel says, "but this is atrocious." It really is. Poor Lance looks like his lopsided eyes are about to sprout tears as he explains that his character was really hard to work with because he has trouble identifying with misogynistic and violent themes. Twiggy is floored that one of the boys knows a word with more than two syllables. Tyra comes back with her usual "sometimes as models we have to do things that suck" speech, and Lance cries for her on cue, so he'll be staying.
Commercials! And the Coverboy of the Week is: Justin! He is a perfect combination of white trash and ghetto, yo shizzle my homeskillet, just like TruBlends Face Powders!
Chris stomps up in his usual cloud of anger and resentment. Nigel and Miss J love his picture, but Tyra says that Jay says that in the longest game of telephone ever, Chris seems to hate photo shoots and modeling in general. "Why are you here?" Tyra wants to know. "To meet hot guys," Chris responds. Or not. He spouts off the usual BS about wanting to prove that normal-looking people can be role models, too. But Chris, that still doesn't include you, honey.
Justin is next, and somehow, his disco photo is the best thing I've ever seen. Justin smirks humbly while they tell him he's the best thing since sliced bread, and Twiggy thinks it's a shame they shaved his afro. Vindicated, Justin pulls a giant sword from his skin-tight Guess jeans and lops Tyra's head off, holding it by its glued-on wig and yelling "I AM ALWAYS RIGHT" in her unthinkable face. Before he can get too carried away, though, Tyra cautions him to make sure he's not too "men's magazine." She demonstrates a truly disturbing pout: "This was your expression in 90% of the shots." Justin puts his sword away and nods.
It's Brian's turn, and the judges think he's 'nice.' "Nice has been the death of many a model's career," Nigel says, and Brian nods happily. Joey ambles forward smiling and happy and Joey-like, and the judges love him and his bubbly personality. His photo is strong. "He looks like a man," Twiggy says. Way to have eyes there, Twigster.
And last (but never least) is AJ. Miss J mimes puking into his top hat, which Tyra explains will get taller and taller with each boy eliminated. AJ's photo is pretty awful. "Who decided on that butterfly?" Nigel wants to know. "It's taking up half his face and the other half is covered by hair." Tyra thinks that this was a styling issue, but AJ did the best he could with what was given. "It's still a terrible picture," Miss J says reassuringly.
The judges deliberate! Twiggy loves them all except Justin, who she thinks is arrogant and bratty. "But is it arrogance or confidence?" Tyra wonders. They move on to JC, who disturbs Nigel "on a very profound level." His photos are gorgeous, but the judges aren't sure he's "all there." No doubt he is distracted, dreaming of the moon-drenched shores of Transylvania. They discuss AJ's disastrous styling and Lance's pansiness: "What is he going to do when a photographer wants him to pretend to be interested in women?" the photographer wants to know. Tyra dispenses her age old wisdom: "Well, you know what my momma always says: sometimes you just have to learn to fake it."
Ten models stand before Tyra, but she only has nine FOW-TOWs in her hands. And the winners are: Kevin and his new weave, Howie and his ability to impregnate people via by the power of his eyes alone, Brian, Chris (whose photo Tyra hands over reluctantly, with an admonishment that he needs to work on his attitude and show the judges that he wants to be there), Dragon Ball Nick: Warrior Princess, Joey, Justin (who the judges feel needs to work on being more humble lest his confidence be read as arrogance), and somehow AJ. "Even though your photo was the worst in the bunch, the judges feel that your styling was inappropriate and want to give you another chance."
That leaves Lance and JC. They hold hands and Lance cries while Tyra hands down the final sentencing: Lance is amazing and full of life in person (really? For serious?), but he can't put the spark they see during judging into his photos. While JC is, of course the opposite-Jay says he seems to come to life on set, like a wind-up doll, but otherwise he seems lost and the judges aren't sure if he has the desire to be here. So who do they keep? The boy who takes terrible pictures but is nearly bursting with enthusiasm? Or the boy who takes beautiful photos, but reminds them of the creepy robot daughter from Small Wonder?
Small Wonder gets another chance and he wanders over to the rest of the boys while Tyra sends a sobbing Lance on his way. Good-bye, Lopsided Eyes, we'll miss you.
Lance is sad that he's leaving, but he's sure that this isn't the end for him and he's going to be a model with or without Tyra. He's going to miss the other boys and he's sorry to be leaving the competition so soon, before he really had a chance to prove his animal-naming, chameleon-like abilities.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: Kevin tries to steal AJ away from JC, Justin calls someone "a stupid slutbag, yo," and Brian tries to explain how all of Kevin's right shoes and half of JC's underwear ended up in his suitcase. Also: ballet class! And Top Model's most controversial photo shoot yet!