RPS: Zoology 101 | popslash/cw rps/bandslash
So, I wanted to write something for April Fool's Day, and wendy said to write a fic in which JC is a zoo keeper and Justin comes by on a high school field trip, and then I said what if JC is a zoo keeper and Justin is an animal IN the zoo, and then this happened.
Zoology 101
Fandoms: popslash, cw rps, bandslash
Pairings: Jensen/Jared, Mike/Tom, Pete Wentz/Ryan Ross, Justin/His own beauty, JC/Lance
Rating: Adult
Warnings: This is crack fic. Remember before when I talked about crack fic? This is really REALLY crack fic.
Comments: So obviously, this is wendy's fault. Thanks to everyone who gave me ideas on which animals everyone would be. Uh, to explain a little. They're not really animals. Like how in Mean Boys, they weren't really girls? Only, you know, it's a zoo. Yeah, I know, I'm insane. I can't help it!
Normally JC loves his job, but there are days, long days when the animals give him a hard time and he can't get Jared to stop molesting Jensen in front of school groups and Paris is on a hunger strike because she overheard someone say they saw her thigh jiggling-there are days when being a zoo keeper just plain sucks, and today is definitely shaping up to be one of those days.
His first stop is at the tortoise pen, and when JC looks down into the pit to check on Jensen and Jared he nearly has a heart attack. Jared has Jensen pinned against one of the low, smooth boulders again, and JC isn't even clear on how what they're doing is possible without lubricant of some kind (and really, Jared's dick is freakishly huge but Jensen's kind of a slut, too, he's always letting himself get pinned by whoever happens to be in the pen with them, so JC wouldn't be surprised if he's rather, uh, looser than the average tortoise) and he really doesn't want to know. He grabs the long pole they've had to keep by the tortoise pen ever since Jensen arrived a few years ago and pokes Jared in the back of the head with it.
"Get off him, Jared. Come on now, you know that's not an appropriate daytime activity." Poke, poke. It's almost worth it to have to watch them fuck every day (not that that's really such a hardship-it could be worse, it could be the hyenas and at least the tortoises are pretty) just so that JC gets to poke them with his stick. He tries not to giggle because-poke them with his stick. It sounds so dirty.
"Fuck you," Jared says, batting at the stick. His hips don't stop their thrusting and JC's kind of impressed. Usually, tortoises aren't that good at multi-tasking. "He likes it, don't you, baby? He was practically begging for this, I swear."
JC pokes him some more, this time in the ribs. Jensen moans a little when Jared has to stop to push the pole away. "Come on, guys, seriously. It's, like, not even mating season and we have a school group coming through today. I don't want little kids to have to see this."
"Dude, this is nature. Kids gotta learn somewhere, right?" Jared grabs the pole and tugs, hard. It slips out of JC's hands and clatters to the bottom of the pen. Fuck, JC thinks, and he could go down there and get it, but knowing Jared, he's liable to get pinned and there's no way JC's letting anyone with a dick that big near him. Plus, tortoises give you warts or something. JC's pretty sure he read that somewhere.
"I'm pretty sure that butt fucking isn't a part of nature that first graders need to learn," JC says, but Jared's not even paying attention to him now because Jensen is squirming around and tossing his head and, oh gross, coming all over the pen floor. "I am not cleaning that up!" he calls down. "And if you want anything to eat today, you'll make yourselves presentable!"
His next stop is the hyena cages. JC's not even sure why the zoo keeps hyenas because really, they're way more trouble then they're worth and also, extremely annoying. Lately Chad has been trying to come up with new ways to annoy JC, and Chris, who is usually pretty okay for a hyena, has decided to help Chad out. Today Chad is wearing JC's favorite scarf, the awesome black and white one with little skulls all over. It's really, it's very annoying because now JC can never wear that scarf again and he really, really hates Chad. When he tells the hyenas this, Chad and Chris just laugh. Not that JC really expects a different response-it's pretty much all they're capable of doing. That, and shouting insults.
JC throws them some food-a giant bag of Doritos, five packages of pixie sticks, some Jolt cola, and a baggie of leftover Mentos that he was randomly handed at a concert the other night and couldn't finish because actually, Mentos are really gross. It's sort of disappointing how bad they really taste because JC always likes the commercials and tries to sing along. But in reality, the freshmaker they are not. Possibly the vomit-inducer, although that ad campaign maybe wouldn't sell as well.
Naturally, Chad loves the Mentos. "Dude," he says, "you're the best! You're gonna make me feel guilty for making fun of your questionable fashion choices."
"You should feel guilty because it's mean," JC says. He's always trying to educate the animals, especially on issues of morality. If they don't learn it from him, their trusty zoo keeper, they'll only get the wrong messages from, like, television and rap music and stuff.
Chris says, "I'm not mean. I seriously hope you're not including me in this mean group thing, because I'm not mean. I saved a bus of school children once. From, like, a terrible fire. A bus fire, in fact. Well, one of them died, it was pretty tragic, but thirteen out of fourteen kids isn't bad for one hyena. Chad didn't help at all. Chad really is mean."
"You're such a fucking liar, Kirkpatrick!" Chad says, glaring. "I totally helped. I saved that one kid. The really tiny one."
"Chad," Chris says, frowning. "Eating someone before they can die in a tragic bus fire doesn't count as saving them."
"Oh," Chad says, looking momentarily distraught. "Yeah, you're probably right about that. Still. He tasted really good. Tender."
"Now that I feel like vomiting," JC says, tossing the last of the food into their cage and backing away quickly, "I need to go check on Justin."
Chad and Chris may be the most annoying animals in the zoo, but Justin really comes a close second. Not that anyone else would agree with JC on that. No, the general consensus among pretty much everyone, animals and zookeepers and visitors alike, is that Justin is the best thing since automated feeding systems and, like, the discovery of life on Mars. JC was pretty happy about the whole Mars thing, he's always had an affinity for aliens, aliens and robots, so he's sort of resentful that people would even make that comparison and act like Justin is the second coming. Justin isn't even the first coming. In fact, JC is pretty sure Justin is impotent, so he's probably not coming at all.
So Justin is the most popular animal at the zoo, and it really sort of pisses JC off because really, Justin doesn't even do anything that's that special. He just prances around with the other peacocks, looking pretty and flashy and occasionally singing a little, but not even that well. He's vain and conceited and arrogant and the rest of the peacocks hate him, even if everyone else thinks he's the shit. When Paris and Nicole beg to be moved to Britney and Lindsay's pen, JC knows that things have gotten pretty bad.
"Justin," he tries, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Come on, man, you gotta at least try. We don't have enough room in the other pen for Paris and Nicole, and you know, I don't think it's fair to Britney to put her back in here with you after what happened last time."
"Yo, it's totally not my fault that Britney can't keep it in her pants, so don't go blaming that shit on me. But like, I'm totally willing to forgive her and stuff because I'm a nice guy, and awesome, so she can come live over here if she wants."
JC sighs. This really sucks. He hates his job. "And also, can you please-look, I brought you all of those shirts yesterday and I really think you should maybe think about wearing one of them."
"Clothes are so restrictive, JC. And beside, all of those shirts are pink, and I specifically told you that I would only wear baby blue."
"Here," JC says, rummaging through his bag. "I brought you a blue one today. Look, it's so pretty, and it even has sparkles on it like you like." JC holds the shirt out, thinking that he's extremely thankful that they don't teach the animals to read because he has a feeling Justin would never agree to wear a shirt that says 'Princess' on it.
Justin holds up the shirt, runs his fingers over the lettering critically. "This is sky blue, JC. I just. No. I'm sorry, I can't wear this. It's, like. I mean, I don't think you're trying to insult me, here, but it sort of feels like you are and I thought we were friends, you know? Friends don't make friends wear bad clothes, JC."
"You never said anything about those naked lady pants I wore to the Festival of Lights that one year," JC says, narrowing his eyes.
"Oh, but we were going through a thing, then. We were in a fight, I'm pretty sure, so you know, that absolved me of my fashion police duties. Also, I'm a peacock. You can't expect too much out of me, man."
JC makes the rest of his rounds and tries to not worry too much about Jared and Jensen traumatizing small children or Justin's refusal to wear proper clothes. He isn't honestly too worried about Paris and Nicole, because really, Justin's arrogant and vain and a big show-off, but he's not that bad. JC thinks maybe they're just using Justin as an excuse to justify their eating disorders and lack of underwear. They keep saying, "But Justin doesn't even wear a shirt half the time, and how are we supposed to get anyone's attention otherwise?" JC doesn't know why they care how popular they are. Sometimes, he thinks, the zoo is just like a fucking high school and he wishes they could just all get along.
He feeds the panthers and accidentally spends half an hour talking to AJ about the 90s grunge movement and how really, you can totally be a Nirvana fan even if you like Pearl Jam. "Just because Eddie Vedder had a thing against Kurt Cobain doesn't mean the fans have to choose, you know?" AJ tells him. AJ is really smart for a panther. It's just too bad about the hair. JC is lucky, he has fabulous hair, and so sometimes he spends a little extra time chatting to AJ because really, it's not his fault he's going bald. It's like, bad genetics or whatever, which makes JC think that they should probably not try to breed AJ. It would just be cruel to pass down the baldness to the next generation.
He feeds Nick and Aaron in the howler monkeys cage, which he hates because it stinks and they're always trying to pelt him with shit-literally, with shit-no matter how many times he tells them that he's not going to put them in the same cage again after what happened last time.
"Come on, JC," Nick says, pouting and trying to look really adorable. It pretty much works, Nick is, like, the most adorable howler monkey ever even if he does have a tendency to throw his own feces around, but even so, JC is totally against incest and he's not going to give them another chance to get all up on each other. It's gross, and wrong, and also, Nick can do so much better. Aaron has skin issues, it's pretty sick. JC tries not to look at him when he goes into the Primate Habitat. It's like AJ with the hair issues, only at least AJ can wear hats and doesn't throw things. He once tried to eat JC, but that wasn't even his fault. JC is just naturally delectable, he can't blame AJ for trying.
"No, Nick. I'm sorry, but the zoo is really. We're like, against incest and last time-"
"I told you, I was just trying to pick a bug off him."
"Did the bug crawl up Aaron's ass?"
"Maybe! It totally could have! I needed to check. I mean, that wouldn't be good, right? To have a bug up your ass? It could cause diseases or something. I was just doing him a favor and being a good brother."
JC is constantly amazed by how much this job makes him want to throw up. He maybe needs to be drunker when he's making his rounds. It certainly couldn't make things worse.
"What about Howie? You like Howie. He's a nice guy, a good monkey. Howie doesn't contaminate the cages by throwing feces around. And he likes you. He told me yesterday." Actually, Howie had begged JC for his own cage yesterday. He cried, it was really pathetic, and JC does feel bad and all, but part of his job as zoo keeper is to take care of all the animals, and getting Nick over this weird incest thing is sort of primary. Howie should be grateful they're trying to mate him with Nick. It could've been Aaron, after all. At least Nick is pretty.
Luckily Howie is asleep in the corner of Nick's cage, probably trying to pretend he's in a different zoo altogether where incestuous howler monkeys aren't a problem, so he can't really argue.
"He's okay, I guess. But it's like, there's no spark, dude. He's like my brother or something."
"Dude. Nick. Aaron actually IS your brother and that doesn't stop you from doing him."
"Oh. Right. I guess you sorta have a point, there."
After JC gets a cleaning crew out to the Primate Habitat to get rid of all the shit and also, if possible, tranquilize Aaron, he heads over to the lion cages to visit Lance and his newest acquisition, a visiting cub from their sister zoo in Las Vegas. JC sort of wishes they could've made a trade instead of just having to add Ryan to their lion habitat, because really, any excuse to get rid of Pete, even just for a few weeks, would be so totally awesome.
"JC." Pete approaches the barriers and pouts at JC from across the gap. "JC, seriously man. I keep trying to tell you-I'm not a lion! I don't belong in this. This PLACE with all these bumbling, lazy, mane whores. I'm totally dark, dude. I'm like, a panther. Yeah. A panther!"
"Pete, we go through this every day. All the make up and hair dye and emo moping around isn't going to change your genetics, man. I'm sorry, but you're a lion. You should try to accept it, dude. You're only going to get all depressed."
"Come on, Pete," the new cub says, smiling slyly. "You can hang out with me. I have a really sunny rock, we can totally like, lounge and stuff." Ryan is small and pocket-sized and totally adorable, which is exactly Pete's type. JC thinks that maybe he'll keep Pete occupied, get his mind of the whole panther thing. It's just, it's really sad when the animals get jealous of other species. It's not their fault there's, like, a social ladder in the zoo and panthers are way cooler than lions.
JC nods at Jeff, who is laying on his back with his hands beneath his head, staring up at the sky happily. Jeff's a good guy, he totally gets how awesome it is to be a lion. JC thinks that if he were an animal, he'd want to be a lion, too. It's like, pretty much the best life ever. You get to lay in the sun all day, just basking and napping, all warm and relaxed. Someone feeds you a couple times a day, little kids are too afraid to do much shrieking around you. It seems pretty perfect to JC.
"So uh, JC man," Jeff says, sitting up and looking sort of bashful. He clears his throat nervously. "I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but um. Lance sort of, well. He ran away."
"What do you mean, he ran away?" JC stares at him, working the crane levers almost automatically. He finishes lowering the food into the habitat and frowns at Jeff. "Like, you mean. He ran away to another part of the habitat?" It's a pretty big habitat. Lance usually stays near Jeff and Pete because sometimes, when he's not too busy looking sad, Pete will make out with Lance, but he's not there today. Lance is sort of JC's favorite, but he tries not to let it show. Zookeepers aren't really allowed to have favorites, it makes the other animals jealous and insecure.
"No, man. I mean, he's gone. He escaped last night."
"He-you're telling me that a lion, a fucking man-eating lion-"
"I'm pretty sure he's never eaten a man before, if that helps."
"Whatever! A lion escaped! Lance escaped??"
"Yeah. He said something about how he doesn't belong here and it's cruel to keep animals all caged up and he wants to be free and fly away. Except, you know, he's a lion and not a bird, so he dug a tunnel. He's probably all the way to the city by now. Last I heard, he was going to try to find some Red Bull. Because it gives you wings."
"…you know that's just a commercial, right?" JC is totally freaking out. Lance escaped and now JC's discussing ad campaign metaphors with the king of the lions, and yeah, this is just. It's fucked up. Lance could be really dangerous, even if he's never actually eaten a person before. Also, JC is totally going to get fired. He's not sure whether he's sad about that yet or not.
"Yeah, but you know Lance and his obsession with flying. I didn't want to shatter his dreams. Lions don't fly. Lions shouldn't want to fly, but it's Lance, you know? He's, uh, special."
"That's cute. You have a thing for Lance, that's fucking great, Jeff, but it does not help me find him before he, like, starts eating babies!"
JC pulls Sandy away from her ostrich observations ("Sandy, please, Tom an d Mike will still be fucking when you get back, I promise. Hell, they'll still be fucking a year from now and would probably do it on command, you're so not going to miss anything!") to help search for Lance. The zoo is just a highway stretch down from the mall and three different shopping plazas so they start there. Sandy takes the mall because, "if I'm going on a wild goose chase for some stupid lion, I might as well try to find those red boots I've been wanting, too!" while JC takes the first shopping plaza. After accidentally walking in on three or ten women in changing rooms in various GAP knock-off stores (and one in Hot Topic that JC is especially sorry about, because pretty much every bit of that girl was pierced and, ew), JC finally finds Lance at the Starbucks on the corner, drinking his third mocha while the barista glares.
"Lance, you little fucker! What the hell were you thinking?" JC sits down across from him and glares, too. Stupid Lance and his stupid ideas about flying and escaping and being meant for more than just the zoo. JC wants to kill the little girl who gave Lance that animal rights pamphlet last week. Clearly, this is all her fault.
"Sir," the barista says, "is this one yours? Because he doesn't have any money and he keeps ordering mochas and he's scaring all the other customers off, so."
JC pays the barista with his last twenty and glares at Lance even more. "Seriously, dude. What were you thinking?"
Lance shrugs. "The zoo is for suckers, JC. It's so stifling and there aren't any other gay lions and it's just. I deserve better, okay? I deserve freedom, and coffee when I want it, and, yeah, some dick would be nice."
"What about Pete?" JC says desperately. "Or. Or the new one? They're both pretty gay."
"Nothing below the waist." Lance rolls his eyes. "Can you believe that shit? They're totally fucking worthless. If I wanted to make out with someone, I'd be straight. I haven't been fucked since Brian found Jesus and decided that all gay lions are going to hell."
"Oh, man. That was like, three years ago!" JC feels bad. He likes Lance, he really does, and no one should have to suffer through being celibate for that long. Plus, it's not like Lance is unattractive, for a lion. He's pretty, actually, and has good hair and nice eyes and really nice skin. It just, it sucks that someone so good-looking is going to waste on stupid emo fuckers like Pete who can't appreciate him properly.
"I know. And I can't masturbate anymore because the sound of Pete crying totally turns me off, so. I had to do something."
"I get that, man, I really do. But Lance, you belong at the zoo. And maybe. Um. Maybe I can talk to the director about getting a new lion."
"I have a better idea," Lance says, smiling sharply.
JC swallows. Lance is looking very liony and very dangerous. Sometimes JC forgets because they're so pretty and Lance, especially, is a good conversationalist, but he really is working with wild animals. Wild, dangerous animals. And JC is especially delectable, everyone says so.
"What's that?"
"Well, let's look at it logically," Lance says, and leans across the table, fingers sliding around JC's wrist. "I need some dick. You have one. I think the solution is obvious."
And then Lance is kissing him and, wow, all those make out sessions with Pete must've really paid off because Lance is a fantastic kisser for a lion. Actually, Lance is a fantastic kisser for any species. And okay, so possibly this is the worst idea in the world, JC's fairly sure he could be arrested in all fifty states for this and no one will believe his story about Lance the Lion forcing JC to fuck him because, yeah, it sounds stupid even in his head, but then again, he thinks, at least it's not the hyenas.
Because that? That would be truly fucked up.
Zoology 101
Fandoms: popslash, cw rps, bandslash
Pairings: Jensen/Jared, Mike/Tom, Pete Wentz/Ryan Ross, Justin/His own beauty, JC/Lance
Rating: Adult
Warnings: This is crack fic. Remember before when I talked about crack fic? This is really REALLY crack fic.
Comments: So obviously, this is wendy's fault. Thanks to everyone who gave me ideas on which animals everyone would be. Uh, to explain a little. They're not really animals. Like how in Mean Boys, they weren't really girls? Only, you know, it's a zoo. Yeah, I know, I'm insane. I can't help it!
Normally JC loves his job, but there are days, long days when the animals give him a hard time and he can't get Jared to stop molesting Jensen in front of school groups and Paris is on a hunger strike because she overheard someone say they saw her thigh jiggling-there are days when being a zoo keeper just plain sucks, and today is definitely shaping up to be one of those days.
His first stop is at the tortoise pen, and when JC looks down into the pit to check on Jensen and Jared he nearly has a heart attack. Jared has Jensen pinned against one of the low, smooth boulders again, and JC isn't even clear on how what they're doing is possible without lubricant of some kind (and really, Jared's dick is freakishly huge but Jensen's kind of a slut, too, he's always letting himself get pinned by whoever happens to be in the pen with them, so JC wouldn't be surprised if he's rather, uh, looser than the average tortoise) and he really doesn't want to know. He grabs the long pole they've had to keep by the tortoise pen ever since Jensen arrived a few years ago and pokes Jared in the back of the head with it.
"Get off him, Jared. Come on now, you know that's not an appropriate daytime activity." Poke, poke. It's almost worth it to have to watch them fuck every day (not that that's really such a hardship-it could be worse, it could be the hyenas and at least the tortoises are pretty) just so that JC gets to poke them with his stick. He tries not to giggle because-poke them with his stick. It sounds so dirty.
"Fuck you," Jared says, batting at the stick. His hips don't stop their thrusting and JC's kind of impressed. Usually, tortoises aren't that good at multi-tasking. "He likes it, don't you, baby? He was practically begging for this, I swear."
JC pokes him some more, this time in the ribs. Jensen moans a little when Jared has to stop to push the pole away. "Come on, guys, seriously. It's, like, not even mating season and we have a school group coming through today. I don't want little kids to have to see this."
"Dude, this is nature. Kids gotta learn somewhere, right?" Jared grabs the pole and tugs, hard. It slips out of JC's hands and clatters to the bottom of the pen. Fuck, JC thinks, and he could go down there and get it, but knowing Jared, he's liable to get pinned and there's no way JC's letting anyone with a dick that big near him. Plus, tortoises give you warts or something. JC's pretty sure he read that somewhere.
"I'm pretty sure that butt fucking isn't a part of nature that first graders need to learn," JC says, but Jared's not even paying attention to him now because Jensen is squirming around and tossing his head and, oh gross, coming all over the pen floor. "I am not cleaning that up!" he calls down. "And if you want anything to eat today, you'll make yourselves presentable!"
His next stop is the hyena cages. JC's not even sure why the zoo keeps hyenas because really, they're way more trouble then they're worth and also, extremely annoying. Lately Chad has been trying to come up with new ways to annoy JC, and Chris, who is usually pretty okay for a hyena, has decided to help Chad out. Today Chad is wearing JC's favorite scarf, the awesome black and white one with little skulls all over. It's really, it's very annoying because now JC can never wear that scarf again and he really, really hates Chad. When he tells the hyenas this, Chad and Chris just laugh. Not that JC really expects a different response-it's pretty much all they're capable of doing. That, and shouting insults.
JC throws them some food-a giant bag of Doritos, five packages of pixie sticks, some Jolt cola, and a baggie of leftover Mentos that he was randomly handed at a concert the other night and couldn't finish because actually, Mentos are really gross. It's sort of disappointing how bad they really taste because JC always likes the commercials and tries to sing along. But in reality, the freshmaker they are not. Possibly the vomit-inducer, although that ad campaign maybe wouldn't sell as well.
Naturally, Chad loves the Mentos. "Dude," he says, "you're the best! You're gonna make me feel guilty for making fun of your questionable fashion choices."
"You should feel guilty because it's mean," JC says. He's always trying to educate the animals, especially on issues of morality. If they don't learn it from him, their trusty zoo keeper, they'll only get the wrong messages from, like, television and rap music and stuff.
Chris says, "I'm not mean. I seriously hope you're not including me in this mean group thing, because I'm not mean. I saved a bus of school children once. From, like, a terrible fire. A bus fire, in fact. Well, one of them died, it was pretty tragic, but thirteen out of fourteen kids isn't bad for one hyena. Chad didn't help at all. Chad really is mean."
"You're such a fucking liar, Kirkpatrick!" Chad says, glaring. "I totally helped. I saved that one kid. The really tiny one."
"Chad," Chris says, frowning. "Eating someone before they can die in a tragic bus fire doesn't count as saving them."
"Oh," Chad says, looking momentarily distraught. "Yeah, you're probably right about that. Still. He tasted really good. Tender."
"Now that I feel like vomiting," JC says, tossing the last of the food into their cage and backing away quickly, "I need to go check on Justin."
Chad and Chris may be the most annoying animals in the zoo, but Justin really comes a close second. Not that anyone else would agree with JC on that. No, the general consensus among pretty much everyone, animals and zookeepers and visitors alike, is that Justin is the best thing since automated feeding systems and, like, the discovery of life on Mars. JC was pretty happy about the whole Mars thing, he's always had an affinity for aliens, aliens and robots, so he's sort of resentful that people would even make that comparison and act like Justin is the second coming. Justin isn't even the first coming. In fact, JC is pretty sure Justin is impotent, so he's probably not coming at all.
So Justin is the most popular animal at the zoo, and it really sort of pisses JC off because really, Justin doesn't even do anything that's that special. He just prances around with the other peacocks, looking pretty and flashy and occasionally singing a little, but not even that well. He's vain and conceited and arrogant and the rest of the peacocks hate him, even if everyone else thinks he's the shit. When Paris and Nicole beg to be moved to Britney and Lindsay's pen, JC knows that things have gotten pretty bad.
"Justin," he tries, running his fingers through his hair in frustration. "Come on, man, you gotta at least try. We don't have enough room in the other pen for Paris and Nicole, and you know, I don't think it's fair to Britney to put her back in here with you after what happened last time."
"Yo, it's totally not my fault that Britney can't keep it in her pants, so don't go blaming that shit on me. But like, I'm totally willing to forgive her and stuff because I'm a nice guy, and awesome, so she can come live over here if she wants."
JC sighs. This really sucks. He hates his job. "And also, can you please-look, I brought you all of those shirts yesterday and I really think you should maybe think about wearing one of them."
"Clothes are so restrictive, JC. And beside, all of those shirts are pink, and I specifically told you that I would only wear baby blue."
"Here," JC says, rummaging through his bag. "I brought you a blue one today. Look, it's so pretty, and it even has sparkles on it like you like." JC holds the shirt out, thinking that he's extremely thankful that they don't teach the animals to read because he has a feeling Justin would never agree to wear a shirt that says 'Princess' on it.
Justin holds up the shirt, runs his fingers over the lettering critically. "This is sky blue, JC. I just. No. I'm sorry, I can't wear this. It's, like. I mean, I don't think you're trying to insult me, here, but it sort of feels like you are and I thought we were friends, you know? Friends don't make friends wear bad clothes, JC."
"You never said anything about those naked lady pants I wore to the Festival of Lights that one year," JC says, narrowing his eyes.
"Oh, but we were going through a thing, then. We were in a fight, I'm pretty sure, so you know, that absolved me of my fashion police duties. Also, I'm a peacock. You can't expect too much out of me, man."
JC makes the rest of his rounds and tries to not worry too much about Jared and Jensen traumatizing small children or Justin's refusal to wear proper clothes. He isn't honestly too worried about Paris and Nicole, because really, Justin's arrogant and vain and a big show-off, but he's not that bad. JC thinks maybe they're just using Justin as an excuse to justify their eating disorders and lack of underwear. They keep saying, "But Justin doesn't even wear a shirt half the time, and how are we supposed to get anyone's attention otherwise?" JC doesn't know why they care how popular they are. Sometimes, he thinks, the zoo is just like a fucking high school and he wishes they could just all get along.
He feeds the panthers and accidentally spends half an hour talking to AJ about the 90s grunge movement and how really, you can totally be a Nirvana fan even if you like Pearl Jam. "Just because Eddie Vedder had a thing against Kurt Cobain doesn't mean the fans have to choose, you know?" AJ tells him. AJ is really smart for a panther. It's just too bad about the hair. JC is lucky, he has fabulous hair, and so sometimes he spends a little extra time chatting to AJ because really, it's not his fault he's going bald. It's like, bad genetics or whatever, which makes JC think that they should probably not try to breed AJ. It would just be cruel to pass down the baldness to the next generation.
He feeds Nick and Aaron in the howler monkeys cage, which he hates because it stinks and they're always trying to pelt him with shit-literally, with shit-no matter how many times he tells them that he's not going to put them in the same cage again after what happened last time.
"Come on, JC," Nick says, pouting and trying to look really adorable. It pretty much works, Nick is, like, the most adorable howler monkey ever even if he does have a tendency to throw his own feces around, but even so, JC is totally against incest and he's not going to give them another chance to get all up on each other. It's gross, and wrong, and also, Nick can do so much better. Aaron has skin issues, it's pretty sick. JC tries not to look at him when he goes into the Primate Habitat. It's like AJ with the hair issues, only at least AJ can wear hats and doesn't throw things. He once tried to eat JC, but that wasn't even his fault. JC is just naturally delectable, he can't blame AJ for trying.
"No, Nick. I'm sorry, but the zoo is really. We're like, against incest and last time-"
"I told you, I was just trying to pick a bug off him."
"Did the bug crawl up Aaron's ass?"
"Maybe! It totally could have! I needed to check. I mean, that wouldn't be good, right? To have a bug up your ass? It could cause diseases or something. I was just doing him a favor and being a good brother."
JC is constantly amazed by how much this job makes him want to throw up. He maybe needs to be drunker when he's making his rounds. It certainly couldn't make things worse.
"What about Howie? You like Howie. He's a nice guy, a good monkey. Howie doesn't contaminate the cages by throwing feces around. And he likes you. He told me yesterday." Actually, Howie had begged JC for his own cage yesterday. He cried, it was really pathetic, and JC does feel bad and all, but part of his job as zoo keeper is to take care of all the animals, and getting Nick over this weird incest thing is sort of primary. Howie should be grateful they're trying to mate him with Nick. It could've been Aaron, after all. At least Nick is pretty.
Luckily Howie is asleep in the corner of Nick's cage, probably trying to pretend he's in a different zoo altogether where incestuous howler monkeys aren't a problem, so he can't really argue.
"He's okay, I guess. But it's like, there's no spark, dude. He's like my brother or something."
"Dude. Nick. Aaron actually IS your brother and that doesn't stop you from doing him."
"Oh. Right. I guess you sorta have a point, there."
After JC gets a cleaning crew out to the Primate Habitat to get rid of all the shit and also, if possible, tranquilize Aaron, he heads over to the lion cages to visit Lance and his newest acquisition, a visiting cub from their sister zoo in Las Vegas. JC sort of wishes they could've made a trade instead of just having to add Ryan to their lion habitat, because really, any excuse to get rid of Pete, even just for a few weeks, would be so totally awesome.
"JC." Pete approaches the barriers and pouts at JC from across the gap. "JC, seriously man. I keep trying to tell you-I'm not a lion! I don't belong in this. This PLACE with all these bumbling, lazy, mane whores. I'm totally dark, dude. I'm like, a panther. Yeah. A panther!"
"Pete, we go through this every day. All the make up and hair dye and emo moping around isn't going to change your genetics, man. I'm sorry, but you're a lion. You should try to accept it, dude. You're only going to get all depressed."
"Come on, Pete," the new cub says, smiling slyly. "You can hang out with me. I have a really sunny rock, we can totally like, lounge and stuff." Ryan is small and pocket-sized and totally adorable, which is exactly Pete's type. JC thinks that maybe he'll keep Pete occupied, get his mind of the whole panther thing. It's just, it's really sad when the animals get jealous of other species. It's not their fault there's, like, a social ladder in the zoo and panthers are way cooler than lions.
JC nods at Jeff, who is laying on his back with his hands beneath his head, staring up at the sky happily. Jeff's a good guy, he totally gets how awesome it is to be a lion. JC thinks that if he were an animal, he'd want to be a lion, too. It's like, pretty much the best life ever. You get to lay in the sun all day, just basking and napping, all warm and relaxed. Someone feeds you a couple times a day, little kids are too afraid to do much shrieking around you. It seems pretty perfect to JC.
"So uh, JC man," Jeff says, sitting up and looking sort of bashful. He clears his throat nervously. "I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you this, but um. Lance sort of, well. He ran away."
"What do you mean, he ran away?" JC stares at him, working the crane levers almost automatically. He finishes lowering the food into the habitat and frowns at Jeff. "Like, you mean. He ran away to another part of the habitat?" It's a pretty big habitat. Lance usually stays near Jeff and Pete because sometimes, when he's not too busy looking sad, Pete will make out with Lance, but he's not there today. Lance is sort of JC's favorite, but he tries not to let it show. Zookeepers aren't really allowed to have favorites, it makes the other animals jealous and insecure.
"No, man. I mean, he's gone. He escaped last night."
"He-you're telling me that a lion, a fucking man-eating lion-"
"I'm pretty sure he's never eaten a man before, if that helps."
"Whatever! A lion escaped! Lance escaped??"
"Yeah. He said something about how he doesn't belong here and it's cruel to keep animals all caged up and he wants to be free and fly away. Except, you know, he's a lion and not a bird, so he dug a tunnel. He's probably all the way to the city by now. Last I heard, he was going to try to find some Red Bull. Because it gives you wings."
"…you know that's just a commercial, right?" JC is totally freaking out. Lance escaped and now JC's discussing ad campaign metaphors with the king of the lions, and yeah, this is just. It's fucked up. Lance could be really dangerous, even if he's never actually eaten a person before. Also, JC is totally going to get fired. He's not sure whether he's sad about that yet or not.
"Yeah, but you know Lance and his obsession with flying. I didn't want to shatter his dreams. Lions don't fly. Lions shouldn't want to fly, but it's Lance, you know? He's, uh, special."
"That's cute. You have a thing for Lance, that's fucking great, Jeff, but it does not help me find him before he, like, starts eating babies!"
JC pulls Sandy away from her ostrich observations ("Sandy, please, Tom an d Mike will still be fucking when you get back, I promise. Hell, they'll still be fucking a year from now and would probably do it on command, you're so not going to miss anything!") to help search for Lance. The zoo is just a highway stretch down from the mall and three different shopping plazas so they start there. Sandy takes the mall because, "if I'm going on a wild goose chase for some stupid lion, I might as well try to find those red boots I've been wanting, too!" while JC takes the first shopping plaza. After accidentally walking in on three or ten women in changing rooms in various GAP knock-off stores (and one in Hot Topic that JC is especially sorry about, because pretty much every bit of that girl was pierced and, ew), JC finally finds Lance at the Starbucks on the corner, drinking his third mocha while the barista glares.
"Lance, you little fucker! What the hell were you thinking?" JC sits down across from him and glares, too. Stupid Lance and his stupid ideas about flying and escaping and being meant for more than just the zoo. JC wants to kill the little girl who gave Lance that animal rights pamphlet last week. Clearly, this is all her fault.
"Sir," the barista says, "is this one yours? Because he doesn't have any money and he keeps ordering mochas and he's scaring all the other customers off, so."
JC pays the barista with his last twenty and glares at Lance even more. "Seriously, dude. What were you thinking?"
Lance shrugs. "The zoo is for suckers, JC. It's so stifling and there aren't any other gay lions and it's just. I deserve better, okay? I deserve freedom, and coffee when I want it, and, yeah, some dick would be nice."
"What about Pete?" JC says desperately. "Or. Or the new one? They're both pretty gay."
"Nothing below the waist." Lance rolls his eyes. "Can you believe that shit? They're totally fucking worthless. If I wanted to make out with someone, I'd be straight. I haven't been fucked since Brian found Jesus and decided that all gay lions are going to hell."
"Oh, man. That was like, three years ago!" JC feels bad. He likes Lance, he really does, and no one should have to suffer through being celibate for that long. Plus, it's not like Lance is unattractive, for a lion. He's pretty, actually, and has good hair and nice eyes and really nice skin. It just, it sucks that someone so good-looking is going to waste on stupid emo fuckers like Pete who can't appreciate him properly.
"I know. And I can't masturbate anymore because the sound of Pete crying totally turns me off, so. I had to do something."
"I get that, man, I really do. But Lance, you belong at the zoo. And maybe. Um. Maybe I can talk to the director about getting a new lion."
"I have a better idea," Lance says, smiling sharply.
JC swallows. Lance is looking very liony and very dangerous. Sometimes JC forgets because they're so pretty and Lance, especially, is a good conversationalist, but he really is working with wild animals. Wild, dangerous animals. And JC is especially delectable, everyone says so.
"What's that?"
"Well, let's look at it logically," Lance says, and leans across the table, fingers sliding around JC's wrist. "I need some dick. You have one. I think the solution is obvious."
And then Lance is kissing him and, wow, all those make out sessions with Pete must've really paid off because Lance is a fantastic kisser for a lion. Actually, Lance is a fantastic kisser for any species. And okay, so possibly this is the worst idea in the world, JC's fairly sure he could be arrested in all fifty states for this and no one will believe his story about Lance the Lion forcing JC to fuck him because, yeah, it sounds stupid even in his head, but then again, he thinks, at least it's not the hyenas.
Because that? That would be truly fucked up.