Like being Hit By A Car (5b/?)
I look at Brittany in disbelief. I feel myself begin to explode and I can’t stop the words that come. “Really B?! Really?! You can’t honestly figure out why I would pick cutting my wrists, over… what?! What other option do I have?!” I feel all my anger, resentment and pain leaking out. I see B wince but I don’t care I keep going. What does it matter anyway? “You think I’m going to talk it out? Or better yet hug it out? This is the real world B. WE live in the real world and here I have no one to talk to or hug.”
“You have me.” Her voice is small and if it had been anyother time before the accident, any other time before she took my heart and destroyed it by choosing Quinn over me like everyone else does I would have stopped to reassure her. This isn’t then. This is now and her voice, her complete inability to see things for how they are is pissing me off.
“No I don’t. You didn’t want me remember. You like everyone else chose Quinn. You, who should know me better than everyone else should know that I would never have tried to purposely try and kill Rachel and yet you went with them. Why B?! Why did you choose to believe everyone else when you know me?” I can feel the tears, feel as my voice cracks with all the pent up emotions.
“Because that’s what you told me to do.” Her voice is small and confused.
“What!?!”
“You told me that popularity is everything. You said that I had to do everything I had to do to stay popular. The way to stay popular is to pretend to believe what everyone else thinks is true, even when I don’t think it is.” She says the words I have recited to her over and over. I have been hurting, dying inside because I taught her to well.
I move my mouth to open a few times before I am finally able to form any words. “What?”
“I was just doing as you told me. I was staying popular and…” she trails off before taking a breath, “It is easier to be popular if people believe it’s your fault, even if really it’s mine.”
I’m looking at Brittany as if she had grown a second head. “Your…how..I don’t.” I can’t even form coherent sentences.
“It’s my fault that you hit Rachel. I made you sad. Then you left and were crying. If you hadn’t been sad then Rachel wouldn’t be hurt. It’s my fault even if Quinn says it’s not.” She states it so simply.
I just look at her and shake my head. A part of me wants to latch on and blame her. I would have noticed Rachel if I hadn’t been upset. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t told her I love her. “B, you didn’t…I shouldn’t have been driving. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I can’t help but try and make her feel better. My anger is gone and replaced with my need to make B realize she isn’t at fault.
Brittany for her part just nods. “That’s what Q says. She says that you did it on purpose because Rachel and I are friends and you wanted to hurt her to hurt me.” I shake my head; of course Quinn would say that. It’s something she would do. Hurt the ones that the one who hurt you love in order to hurt them.
I feel B reach out to touch me. I flinch away as she tries to touch my wrists. “This is my fault to. You are hurting yourself because of me.”
I sigh and pull away. “No B. I’m doing this because I need to feel something other then what I feel right now.”
B looks at me confused before nodding. “Like Rachel. She sings so she can feel the emotion of the song instead of everything else.” She smiles brightly at putting the two things together. I’m just blown away that she understands at all. I love the girl, but she isn’t so bright.
“Yes B, like Rachel.” I say simply. Feeling awkward and exposed I go to leave. “Come on B we have practice.” Brittany just nods and we head to glee.
Once we get there she bounces over to Rachel and Quinn, hugging and kissing the latter. I just go to my lonely corner. I notice Rachel watching me out of the corner of my eye. I can’t figure out what the expression on her face is. I’m just thankful it isn’t the anger it has been, or worse pity.
“You have me.” Her voice is small and if it had been anyother time before the accident, any other time before she took my heart and destroyed it by choosing Quinn over me like everyone else does I would have stopped to reassure her. This isn’t then. This is now and her voice, her complete inability to see things for how they are is pissing me off.
“No I don’t. You didn’t want me remember. You like everyone else chose Quinn. You, who should know me better than everyone else should know that I would never have tried to purposely try and kill Rachel and yet you went with them. Why B?! Why did you choose to believe everyone else when you know me?” I can feel the tears, feel as my voice cracks with all the pent up emotions.
“Because that’s what you told me to do.” Her voice is small and confused.
“What!?!”
“You told me that popularity is everything. You said that I had to do everything I had to do to stay popular. The way to stay popular is to pretend to believe what everyone else thinks is true, even when I don’t think it is.” She says the words I have recited to her over and over. I have been hurting, dying inside because I taught her to well.
I move my mouth to open a few times before I am finally able to form any words. “What?”
“I was just doing as you told me. I was staying popular and…” she trails off before taking a breath, “It is easier to be popular if people believe it’s your fault, even if really it’s mine.”
I’m looking at Brittany as if she had grown a second head. “Your…how..I don’t.” I can’t even form coherent sentences.
“It’s my fault that you hit Rachel. I made you sad. Then you left and were crying. If you hadn’t been sad then Rachel wouldn’t be hurt. It’s my fault even if Quinn says it’s not.” She states it so simply.
I just look at her and shake my head. A part of me wants to latch on and blame her. I would have noticed Rachel if I hadn’t been upset. None of this would have happened if I hadn’t told her I love her. “B, you didn’t…I shouldn’t have been driving. You didn’t do anything wrong.” I can’t help but try and make her feel better. My anger is gone and replaced with my need to make B realize she isn’t at fault.
Brittany for her part just nods. “That’s what Q says. She says that you did it on purpose because Rachel and I are friends and you wanted to hurt her to hurt me.” I shake my head; of course Quinn would say that. It’s something she would do. Hurt the ones that the one who hurt you love in order to hurt them.
I feel B reach out to touch me. I flinch away as she tries to touch my wrists. “This is my fault to. You are hurting yourself because of me.”
I sigh and pull away. “No B. I’m doing this because I need to feel something other then what I feel right now.”
B looks at me confused before nodding. “Like Rachel. She sings so she can feel the emotion of the song instead of everything else.” She smiles brightly at putting the two things together. I’m just blown away that she understands at all. I love the girl, but she isn’t so bright.
“Yes B, like Rachel.” I say simply. Feeling awkward and exposed I go to leave. “Come on B we have practice.” Brittany just nods and we head to glee.
Once we get there she bounces over to Rachel and Quinn, hugging and kissing the latter. I just go to my lonely corner. I notice Rachel watching me out of the corner of my eye. I can’t figure out what the expression on her face is. I’m just thankful it isn’t the anger it has been, or worse pity.