Persistance of Memory 2/14
See Part One for story notes and disclaimer.
Chapter Two
***
They had managed to escape to their private alcove only a handful of times, but Thera looked forward to those moments of intimacy when she could be with Jonah without the surrounds of the facility and the constant reminder of the fate of her people weighing her down. When she was with Jonah, she felt free, light; he made her laugh and forget that they were living underneath a mountain of ice in close, crowded quarters. It wasn’t the sex she enjoyed the most, although it was fantastic, she most liked being able to lie in Jonah’s arms, his breath brushing her hair and his hands warm on her belly in the aftermath of making love. She never felt so relaxed, so protected and safe, so… loved, as she did when she was in Jonah’s arms.
Thera had worked a double shift and was exhausted when she was finally able to slip away and meet Jonah in the alcove. He was waiting for her with a blanket and pillows stolen from his bed and a warm smile on his face. Thera felt some of her tiredness disappear as soon as she saw his face and she immediately went into his arms, pressing a kiss into the hollow of his throat.
“Hello,” his voice was throaty and he pulled her to the down and placed her on top of him, protecting her from the cold ground, “Good shift?”
Thera straddled his waist, then bent forward and kissed him, she finally pulled away, slightly breathless, to answer him, “Long shift.”
Jonah pulled her back down to kiss him again as he spoke, “Let me take care of you then.”
Thera felt herself get lost in his warm kisses as his hands swept over body, caressing her gently through the thick layers of her clothes. She felt warm and comfortable and as he kissed his way down her neck, she shivered as desire pooled in her belly. As his hands slid their way beneath her top however, and touched her cool skin, Thera stiffened and pulled away, suddenly feeling tense.
“Thera?” Jonah stopped, not pulling his hands from where they rested on the cool skin of her back, but not moving them higher.
Thera paused, trying to find the source of her discomfort, but she could see nothing that had prompted her to stop in the privacy of the alcove. Exhaustion suddenly hit her full force, and she realized why she had stiffened. She moved to curl up at Jonah’s side, his hands sliding away as she repositioned them so that he was spooned behind her.
“I’m sorry Jonah. I’m just so tired.” Thera tried to ignore the press of his eyes on the back of her head. She really was tired, she wasn’t lying.
“That’s okay. We can head back so you can sleep.”
“No.” Thera protested, she just wanted to lay here in his arms for awhile and pretend they were the only ones around, that the hundred or so sleeping bodies in the main quarters were non existent.
Jonah seemed to understand, he tightened his arms around her and pressed a kiss onto her soft hair. They lay in silence for a long moment; Thera closed her eyes and listened to the steady thrum of Jonah’s heartbeat, trying to shut out the memories of her long day.
After awhile, Jonah asked her quietly, “Thera, why did you do a double shift today?”
Although double shifts were not unusual, it was mostly required by the men who operated the machines and did the majority of the physical labour, not Thera, who worked as part of engineering and maintenance. She worked just as hard as the rest of the workers, but her specific job, meant that she was not required as part of the physical task force. A decision by Brenna that was resented by some amongst them, one in particular, Kaegen, had clearly voiced her disapproval by withholding Thera’s rations when she was able to get away with it.
“Mariet, from stores, was sent to the infirmary. They had no one to cover her work so I completed her shift.” Thera said.
“Mariet’s nightsick?”
Thera hesitated, knowing she couldn’t lie to Jonah, but not wanting to tell him of the unpleasant situation. She knew that it was likely Jonah would find out anyway, there were few secrets amongst the workers, “Mariet was pregnant. She was sent for a termination.”
She felt Jonah stiffen against her back. Although physical intimacy was not forbidden, pregnancy was; prevention was not appropriate given the resources shortage and a termination was a simple, cost effective procedure. It was rumoured that occasionally, breeding camps were set up to replenish the population, but Thera had never met anyone who could confirm that fact.
“Have you ever wondered what we would do if it happened to us?” Jonah’s voice was quiet and Thera pulled away slightly so she could turn in his arms and look at his face.
“What?” There was only one thing they could do. She would have to report to the infirmary for a termination. They had a responsibility to their people, it was an honour to serve.
“Forget I said that.” Jonah backed down, sensing her unease.
Thera stared at him for a long moment, even as he tried to avoid her gaze. Was he saying that he didn’t want a termination? That he wanted to have a baby, with her?
“Jonah, if things were different…” Thera trailed off.
“Yes?” Jonah prodded her.
Thera forced the words out, “I’d want to have your baby.”
“If things were different, I’d want to give you one.” Jonah said simply in response.
Thera closed her eyes at his words, feeling a deep aching sadness and sense of loss for something she had never had, and would likely never be able to have. Jonah’s hand touched her cheek and he whispered her name in a comforting tone as she fought back tears. In her mind she saw a small boy, with his father’s eyes and cheeky grin; that image vanished when she thought once again of the mountain of ice that was at the moment, condemning her people to the harsh living situation they were stuck in, simply to survive.
“It wouldn’t be fair to bring a baby into this life.” Thera said quietly, still not opening her eyes.
“No,” she felt of the rumble of Jonah’s voice against her chest, “But I’m just saying, you don’t have to be afraid to come to me… if it happens.”
Thera swallowed, knowing that even being caught discussing this, would mean having their rations cut in half for a month.
“There wouldn’t be anything you could do.”
Jonah didn’t answer, he just hugged her closer and Thera buried her head in his chest. His words rang in her ears, have you ever wondered what we would do, if it happened to us? To us, not her, to us. Jonah had never said the words out loud, but Thera knew it anyway; he loved her.
***
Sam escaped into the quietness of the locker room as soon as Janet was finished. She tried not to think about the test Janet was currently running in the infirmary; in fact, she tried not to think of anything at all.
She stripped herself of the heavy brown clothing and, grabbing her towel and shower kit, she slipped into the showers, closing the curtain behind her and letting the hot water soothe her tired muscles. She washed her hair with her favourite citrus shampoo and scrubbed the grime from her skin with the matching body wash, feeling more like Sam Carter and less like Thera with every minute that passed.
The more she felt like Sam Carter, the more guilt she felt. They had crossed a line that should not have been crossed. Crossed it several times in fact, and now she wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with the consequences. She thought of her work, her career; she had never really factored children into her life. Working at the SGC meant it was impractical, being on an SGC team meant she was required to have regular birth control shots, Sam had missed her last shot three days into their capture and enslavement on the ice planet. Even on the planet, Thera had realized that having children with her lover was not likely to be in her future, but it hadn’t stopped her wanting them.
Sam determinedly changed the focus of her thoughts as she finished her shower and moved back into the locker room to get dressed. She couldn’t start thinking along those lines; she wasn’t Thera, she was Major Samantha Carter, and she had responsibilities that were more important that personal desires.
She had just finished getting dressed and was looking dismally into the mirror at her butchered hair; she’d have to make an appointment at the salon, soon. She couldn’t really blame anyone but herself for the sheared haircut, she’d taken scissors to her own hair not long after being assigned to sector 23; it was as much about making herself a little less noticeable to the men as it was a safety issue for working so closely with the machines. Didn’t seem to phase Jonah much; he had been attracted to her seemingly as soon as he had seen her, sheared haircut and all. Thera hadn’t tried to distance herself from him either, as she had with the other men who had approached her. Thera had been attracted to Jonah too, an attraction that had grown into something more than casual sex and intimacy. The relationship with Jonah was the closest Sam had ever truly been with another person, she had never been as free and open with anyone as she had with Jonah.
“Not Sam,” she admonished herself out loud, trying to once again change the direction of her thought, “Thera.” She was not Thera, they were different people, she tried to convince herself even as she stared into the mirror that reflected the same woman back to her that she had seen on the ice planet.
“Carter?” a soft knock at the door had Sam scrambling away from the mirror and busying herself packing her things back into her locker
“I’m done sir.”
She heard the door open and heard the colonel enter. She continued to shift things around in her locker as she avoided his gaze.
“Is the debriefing about to start?”
“Starts in twenty minutes.” he answered her, then went silent. Sam knew he wanted to ask her; he wasn’t stupid, no matter how much he pretended to be, and the colonel had been married before, had been a father, he was aware of the chances.
“I’m just going to stop at my lab before the briefing,” Sam closed her locker door and turned to the door, still avoiding his gaze, “I’ll see you there sir.”
She only walked a few paces to the door before stopping as the colonel failed to move out of his stance, blocking the exit. He had an unreadable look on his face and Sam wanted to be anywhere else but where she was at that moment. She wasn’t ready for this discussion, but it seemed Colonel O’Neill was not going to be patient and wait.
“Carter I have to know.”
He did have a right to know, she supposed, but she couldn’t give him the answer he wanted, “I don’t know yet. Janet’s running the tests.”
He ran a hand over his face and Sam couldn’t help but look into his eyes. They looked anguished, tortured, like he had spent months in a Goa’uld prison, not months working underground, spending every spare moment being happy with the woman he had… loved. Although Sam knew that both situations were torture, just torture of a different kind.
“I need to get to my lab.” Sam wanted some space. She desperately wanted to go up on the surface and see the familiar stars, but she knew she would have to wait until the debriefing.
“Carter, wait.” he stopped her, his voice sounding pained.
“Sir.”
“It’s just that,” he looked her in the eye and Sam could see what it was costing him to say this, “When you know I need you to tell me.”
Sam felt herself echo back similar words to those uttered in what seemed like another lifetime, “Even if I am, there is nothing we could do.”
“Carter.”
“No,” Sam felt angry; they had broken the rules but they just couldn’t live with consequences, “It would be the end of my career. The end of your career.”
Jack gave her a sharp look, his voice was restrained but Sam could hear the underlying tension, “It’s your career you're worried about?”
“Yes.” Sam answered, realizing as she did that it wasn’t entirely true, “No. I just… It’s not right.”
“What do you mean, Carter?”
“It wouldn’t be ours,” Sam stumbled slightly over the words, “It would be theirs.”
Jack shook his head, “That’s where you’re wrong Sam.”
Sam felt herself begin to panic; she couldn’t do this, not here, not anywhere, “Sir please.”
He backed off, possibly seeing the panic building in her eyes, “Okay, but I just want you to know that I still mean it.”
Sam was confused, “What?”
“Don’t be afraid to tell me, if it happens,” he said, then turned around and left quietly through the door.
Sam slumped down onto the locker room bench and dropped her head into her hands, fighting the urge to cry. She only allowed herself a moment to wallow in the pain before she stood up, straightened her uniform, schooled her face to a neutral expression and left for the debriefing.
***
Chapter Three
Chapter Two
***
They had managed to escape to their private alcove only a handful of times, but Thera looked forward to those moments of intimacy when she could be with Jonah without the surrounds of the facility and the constant reminder of the fate of her people weighing her down. When she was with Jonah, she felt free, light; he made her laugh and forget that they were living underneath a mountain of ice in close, crowded quarters. It wasn’t the sex she enjoyed the most, although it was fantastic, she most liked being able to lie in Jonah’s arms, his breath brushing her hair and his hands warm on her belly in the aftermath of making love. She never felt so relaxed, so protected and safe, so… loved, as she did when she was in Jonah’s arms.
Thera had worked a double shift and was exhausted when she was finally able to slip away and meet Jonah in the alcove. He was waiting for her with a blanket and pillows stolen from his bed and a warm smile on his face. Thera felt some of her tiredness disappear as soon as she saw his face and she immediately went into his arms, pressing a kiss into the hollow of his throat.
“Hello,” his voice was throaty and he pulled her to the down and placed her on top of him, protecting her from the cold ground, “Good shift?”
Thera straddled his waist, then bent forward and kissed him, she finally pulled away, slightly breathless, to answer him, “Long shift.”
Jonah pulled her back down to kiss him again as he spoke, “Let me take care of you then.”
Thera felt herself get lost in his warm kisses as his hands swept over body, caressing her gently through the thick layers of her clothes. She felt warm and comfortable and as he kissed his way down her neck, she shivered as desire pooled in her belly. As his hands slid their way beneath her top however, and touched her cool skin, Thera stiffened and pulled away, suddenly feeling tense.
“Thera?” Jonah stopped, not pulling his hands from where they rested on the cool skin of her back, but not moving them higher.
Thera paused, trying to find the source of her discomfort, but she could see nothing that had prompted her to stop in the privacy of the alcove. Exhaustion suddenly hit her full force, and she realized why she had stiffened. She moved to curl up at Jonah’s side, his hands sliding away as she repositioned them so that he was spooned behind her.
“I’m sorry Jonah. I’m just so tired.” Thera tried to ignore the press of his eyes on the back of her head. She really was tired, she wasn’t lying.
“That’s okay. We can head back so you can sleep.”
“No.” Thera protested, she just wanted to lay here in his arms for awhile and pretend they were the only ones around, that the hundred or so sleeping bodies in the main quarters were non existent.
Jonah seemed to understand, he tightened his arms around her and pressed a kiss onto her soft hair. They lay in silence for a long moment; Thera closed her eyes and listened to the steady thrum of Jonah’s heartbeat, trying to shut out the memories of her long day.
After awhile, Jonah asked her quietly, “Thera, why did you do a double shift today?”
Although double shifts were not unusual, it was mostly required by the men who operated the machines and did the majority of the physical labour, not Thera, who worked as part of engineering and maintenance. She worked just as hard as the rest of the workers, but her specific job, meant that she was not required as part of the physical task force. A decision by Brenna that was resented by some amongst them, one in particular, Kaegen, had clearly voiced her disapproval by withholding Thera’s rations when she was able to get away with it.
“Mariet, from stores, was sent to the infirmary. They had no one to cover her work so I completed her shift.” Thera said.
“Mariet’s nightsick?”
Thera hesitated, knowing she couldn’t lie to Jonah, but not wanting to tell him of the unpleasant situation. She knew that it was likely Jonah would find out anyway, there were few secrets amongst the workers, “Mariet was pregnant. She was sent for a termination.”
She felt Jonah stiffen against her back. Although physical intimacy was not forbidden, pregnancy was; prevention was not appropriate given the resources shortage and a termination was a simple, cost effective procedure. It was rumoured that occasionally, breeding camps were set up to replenish the population, but Thera had never met anyone who could confirm that fact.
“Have you ever wondered what we would do if it happened to us?” Jonah’s voice was quiet and Thera pulled away slightly so she could turn in his arms and look at his face.
“What?” There was only one thing they could do. She would have to report to the infirmary for a termination. They had a responsibility to their people, it was an honour to serve.
“Forget I said that.” Jonah backed down, sensing her unease.
Thera stared at him for a long moment, even as he tried to avoid her gaze. Was he saying that he didn’t want a termination? That he wanted to have a baby, with her?
“Jonah, if things were different…” Thera trailed off.
“Yes?” Jonah prodded her.
Thera forced the words out, “I’d want to have your baby.”
“If things were different, I’d want to give you one.” Jonah said simply in response.
Thera closed her eyes at his words, feeling a deep aching sadness and sense of loss for something she had never had, and would likely never be able to have. Jonah’s hand touched her cheek and he whispered her name in a comforting tone as she fought back tears. In her mind she saw a small boy, with his father’s eyes and cheeky grin; that image vanished when she thought once again of the mountain of ice that was at the moment, condemning her people to the harsh living situation they were stuck in, simply to survive.
“It wouldn’t be fair to bring a baby into this life.” Thera said quietly, still not opening her eyes.
“No,” she felt of the rumble of Jonah’s voice against her chest, “But I’m just saying, you don’t have to be afraid to come to me… if it happens.”
Thera swallowed, knowing that even being caught discussing this, would mean having their rations cut in half for a month.
“There wouldn’t be anything you could do.”
Jonah didn’t answer, he just hugged her closer and Thera buried her head in his chest. His words rang in her ears, have you ever wondered what we would do, if it happened to us? To us, not her, to us. Jonah had never said the words out loud, but Thera knew it anyway; he loved her.
***
Sam escaped into the quietness of the locker room as soon as Janet was finished. She tried not to think about the test Janet was currently running in the infirmary; in fact, she tried not to think of anything at all.
She stripped herself of the heavy brown clothing and, grabbing her towel and shower kit, she slipped into the showers, closing the curtain behind her and letting the hot water soothe her tired muscles. She washed her hair with her favourite citrus shampoo and scrubbed the grime from her skin with the matching body wash, feeling more like Sam Carter and less like Thera with every minute that passed.
The more she felt like Sam Carter, the more guilt she felt. They had crossed a line that should not have been crossed. Crossed it several times in fact, and now she wasn’t sure she was ready to deal with the consequences. She thought of her work, her career; she had never really factored children into her life. Working at the SGC meant it was impractical, being on an SGC team meant she was required to have regular birth control shots, Sam had missed her last shot three days into their capture and enslavement on the ice planet. Even on the planet, Thera had realized that having children with her lover was not likely to be in her future, but it hadn’t stopped her wanting them.
Sam determinedly changed the focus of her thoughts as she finished her shower and moved back into the locker room to get dressed. She couldn’t start thinking along those lines; she wasn’t Thera, she was Major Samantha Carter, and she had responsibilities that were more important that personal desires.
She had just finished getting dressed and was looking dismally into the mirror at her butchered hair; she’d have to make an appointment at the salon, soon. She couldn’t really blame anyone but herself for the sheared haircut, she’d taken scissors to her own hair not long after being assigned to sector 23; it was as much about making herself a little less noticeable to the men as it was a safety issue for working so closely with the machines. Didn’t seem to phase Jonah much; he had been attracted to her seemingly as soon as he had seen her, sheared haircut and all. Thera hadn’t tried to distance herself from him either, as she had with the other men who had approached her. Thera had been attracted to Jonah too, an attraction that had grown into something more than casual sex and intimacy. The relationship with Jonah was the closest Sam had ever truly been with another person, she had never been as free and open with anyone as she had with Jonah.
“Not Sam,” she admonished herself out loud, trying to once again change the direction of her thought, “Thera.” She was not Thera, they were different people, she tried to convince herself even as she stared into the mirror that reflected the same woman back to her that she had seen on the ice planet.
“Carter?” a soft knock at the door had Sam scrambling away from the mirror and busying herself packing her things back into her locker
“I’m done sir.”
She heard the door open and heard the colonel enter. She continued to shift things around in her locker as she avoided his gaze.
“Is the debriefing about to start?”
“Starts in twenty minutes.” he answered her, then went silent. Sam knew he wanted to ask her; he wasn’t stupid, no matter how much he pretended to be, and the colonel had been married before, had been a father, he was aware of the chances.
“I’m just going to stop at my lab before the briefing,” Sam closed her locker door and turned to the door, still avoiding his gaze, “I’ll see you there sir.”
She only walked a few paces to the door before stopping as the colonel failed to move out of his stance, blocking the exit. He had an unreadable look on his face and Sam wanted to be anywhere else but where she was at that moment. She wasn’t ready for this discussion, but it seemed Colonel O’Neill was not going to be patient and wait.
“Carter I have to know.”
He did have a right to know, she supposed, but she couldn’t give him the answer he wanted, “I don’t know yet. Janet’s running the tests.”
He ran a hand over his face and Sam couldn’t help but look into his eyes. They looked anguished, tortured, like he had spent months in a Goa’uld prison, not months working underground, spending every spare moment being happy with the woman he had… loved. Although Sam knew that both situations were torture, just torture of a different kind.
“I need to get to my lab.” Sam wanted some space. She desperately wanted to go up on the surface and see the familiar stars, but she knew she would have to wait until the debriefing.
“Carter, wait.” he stopped her, his voice sounding pained.
“Sir.”
“It’s just that,” he looked her in the eye and Sam could see what it was costing him to say this, “When you know I need you to tell me.”
Sam felt herself echo back similar words to those uttered in what seemed like another lifetime, “Even if I am, there is nothing we could do.”
“Carter.”
“No,” Sam felt angry; they had broken the rules but they just couldn’t live with consequences, “It would be the end of my career. The end of your career.”
Jack gave her a sharp look, his voice was restrained but Sam could hear the underlying tension, “It’s your career you're worried about?”
“Yes.” Sam answered, realizing as she did that it wasn’t entirely true, “No. I just… It’s not right.”
“What do you mean, Carter?”
“It wouldn’t be ours,” Sam stumbled slightly over the words, “It would be theirs.”
Jack shook his head, “That’s where you’re wrong Sam.”
Sam felt herself begin to panic; she couldn’t do this, not here, not anywhere, “Sir please.”
He backed off, possibly seeing the panic building in her eyes, “Okay, but I just want you to know that I still mean it.”
Sam was confused, “What?”
“Don’t be afraid to tell me, if it happens,” he said, then turned around and left quietly through the door.
Sam slumped down onto the locker room bench and dropped her head into her hands, fighting the urge to cry. She only allowed herself a moment to wallow in the pain before she stood up, straightened her uniform, schooled her face to a neutral expression and left for the debriefing.
***
Chapter Three