One Piece/Bleach- "A Day (or Two) in the Afterlife "
Title: A Day (or Two) in the Afterlife
Universe: One Piece/Bleach
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: Zoro, Sanji, Nami, Kenpachi (mentions of Kuukaku and slight LuffyxNami)
Warnings/Spoilers: None I can imagine.
Word Count: 2,390
Summary: In the Thirteen Going on Fourteen Universe- The days in seireitei tick by. No one gets any smarter.
Dedication: for alita_b_angel because your joy at Sanji’s pain always makes me happy. Also for pyrat_xo for help with Zoro’s sword names. ^_^
A/N: Fic that follows "Manifest” and probably rivals it in silliness. Once again speed-written to try and make it on time for Crossover Saturday at capslock_op. Hence there are probably six billion mistakes in this crack fest. XD
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
1.
“You can’t pick a skull-and-crossbones for the goddamned division flower! First of all, not a flower! Second, I am in charge of food preparation do you know what a skull-and-crossbones even means in that context?!”
“Sure,” Zoro snorted around a mouthful of cake, like the answer should be obvious. “Pirates.”
Sanji slapped a hand to his forehead.
“I think you all oughta have pansies,” Zaraki suggested.
“NOBODY ASKED YOU!” Sanji screamed, and wished the eleventh division captain would just finish his dessert and go home already.
Zoro in the meantime, predictably rose to the bait. “What was that, umi-head?” he asked, eyes narrowing dangerously.
Zaraki just grinned and put down his fork. He had some cake on the corner of his mouth and failed to look scary because he ate like a four-year-old. “You heard me. Pansy. Because your pansy little ass never wants to fight me because yer scared all the time.”
Zoro glowered and stood, before drawing his swords. “Scared, huh?”
Sanji sighed. “Better do it quietly if you’re going to do it assholes,” he said. “If you get too loud the soufflés will fall and then both of you get dish duty after dinner I swear it.”
Zoro and Kenpachi fought quietly.
In the meantime, Sanji pondered the whole division flower thing some more, because he really couldn’t rely on a moron like Zoro to pick out the proper symbol for their fledgling division all by himself.
“Cher,” a voice sing-songed in his ear just a moment or two later, “I think a rose would be nice, yes? They are such pretty flowers, and an apt symbol of our beautifully blossoming love, don’t you think?”
“You shut the fuck up,” Sanji snapped, and momentarily drew strange looks from the two combatants behind him.
“He finally go crazy?” Zaraki asked, and blinked.
Zoro shrugged. “Probably.”
Sanji rubbed his temples. “Zoro, he called you a pansy, remember?”
“Oh right.”
The fight resumed.
Later, when his captain was too busy lolling from blood loss to complain about it, Sanji gave up and submitted the pansy design to Yamamoto-soutaichou, if only because he knew it would piss Zoro the hell off when he came to.
Zaraki in the meantime, was forced to do the dishes that night.
2.
Zoro was forced to do the dishes the following day (because no one escaped punishment in the fourteenth division), and as Zaraki ate cake and watched (because apparently he never wanted to go home), the eleventh division captain couldn’t help but marvel at how quickly Roronoa cleaned those fucking things.
Sanji only smirked. “You should see him mop the floors.”
3.
In their free time they searched all of Soul Society for old friends, but were told by some of their subordinates that looking for people who died twenty, ten, and five years ago was pretty difficult (near impossible, really) in a place like Rukongai. First, there was a highly likely chance that the people they were looking for had already been killed by bandits (which Zoro personally found extremely unlikely all things considered, and Sanji was inclined to agree), and if not the bandits, then there was also the chance that they’d simply reentered the reincarnation stream themselves (which, Zoro admitted, was more likely, and Sanji was again inclined to agree). Finally, in the least likely case of all, they were still out there, but Rukongai was so huge that it was impossible (most of the time), to find any one person there, let alone three.
Their subordinates clearly didn’t know these people they were searching for then, because if they had they would also have known that Zoro and Sanji’s old comrades were the type of people who were very easy to find when they wanted to be, all things considered.
But along that same vein, Zoro and Sanji surmised that since they hadn’t yet been found, their friends had probably been reincarnated already, since they hadn’t heard of any a: large scale binging and/or property destruction caused by any one man, b: talking reindeer, or c: elegantly beautiful women who just so happened to sprout extra limbs every now and again at will.
There was also the theory that the Devil’s Fruit abilities were named in honor of their price, but no one ever talked about that other possibility regarding where taichou and fukutaichou’s nakama had ended up while they were in the presence of either of the two fourteenth division leaders. Well, to be more accurate, no one brought it up if they didn’t want a shinigami captain’s blade/s at their throat or a good swift kick to the ass/head/ribcage/vital organ systems to follow swiftly thereafter.
Besides, there wasn’t enough convincing and good-sense in the world to stop the two former pirates from looking either way.
Because neither of them ever stopped hoping.
4.
Sanji spent what little free time he had trying to get to know his zanpakutou better.
Not because he enjoyed the annoying bastard’s company or anything like that, but because he really couldn’t stand the fact that Zoro had gotten to bankai in about three-point-two-seconds with all three swords while he was having trouble trying to coerce just one of the stupid things into cooperating with him.
“Well, my little love,” Hauteclere would say whenever Sanji grew impatient, “Your Roronoa-taichou spent a lifetime wooing those three pretty ones, no? We have only known each other for a very few months now. I hope you at least know I am not that kind of man. At least buy me dinner first, have a conversation with me, yes? Charm me, cher, and I am sure I will put out soon!”
Sanji really hated his zanpakutou.
5.
Almost a year after their first appearance in seireitei, news reached Sanji and Zoro from one of their patrols on grand line- the most famous cartographer in all the world had died not long after completing her life’s work.
The two of them took one look at each other and then were off-Sanji leaving their sputtering third seat in charge of the dinner preparations and Zoro having to take a rain check on today’s fight with Zaraki (which caused all sorts of problems for Ikkaku and Yumichika later).
They found Nami two weeks after they first heard the news, living it up in a high rise casino in one of Rukongai’s better known gaming districts, having just become the newly indoctrinated Madame of the joint in its entirety. Rumor has it she won the business in a high stakes poker game that, as far as Zoro was concerned, she’d probably cheated in. She’d named the place the “Merry go Round,” and they’d recognized her flag without the shadow of a doubt from a mile away.
When they walked through the plush red doors she was there as expected, enthroned at the hall’s premiere table while she held court with a group of high rolling admirers. She looked exactly as they’d remembered her. Though to be fair, a brilliant, bright woman was the only thing either of them had ever seen when they’d looked at her, whether she be nineteen or seventy.
“Nami-swan, magnificent!!!” Sanji cried, and hearts filled his eyes as he practically floated to her side.
Zoro stared. Diamond chandeliers, free-flowing champagne, servant boys as far as the eye could see. “Tch. Demon woman,” he muttered under his breath as he stalked over to her table, feeling at once out of place and at home here. Out of place simply because he wasn’t used to the riches and vice and the fancy dress code, but at the same time, at home because he was pretty used to being in a world where she owned everything he touched.
She really was an unbelievable demon woman, no question about it.
But even still-even still- there was something in Roronoa Zoro’s eyes that looked happy when he saw her there, safe and sound and as rich as god.
Not that he’d actually believed those famed Rukongai bandits of myth and legend had had a real chance against her in the first place or anything.
6.
She’d been lost at first, she told them later, when she was recounting the tale of her arrival here. “I was in the middle of these huge fields and there was nothing for miles. It was very confusing. I would have thought heaven had more…well, of this.” She waved around them, to the in-house band, the champagne, the craps tables and the poker games.
“Che. What makes you so sure you were going to heaven?” Zoro snorted, and earned himself a kick to the head from his vice-captain.
Nami ignored him. “Anyway, I started walking and walking and walking, and just when I thought I would collapse from exhaustion; I saw this really weird house.”
Zoro blinked. “Weird how?”
It had these huge arms holding up a banner over it! Of course it was weird!”
“And what, you robbed the inhabitants blind, redecorated out of the goodness of your heart, and found yourself here?”
Sanji kicked Zoro in the head again.
“I knocked of course,” Nami twittered. “Kuukaku-san and I hit it off right away.”
“Kuukaku-san? Shiba Kuukaku?”
Nami beamed. “The one and only!”
Zoro tried not to have nightmares imagining what that meeting must have been like.
Sanji in the meantime, drooled a little.
It made Roronoa-taichou wonder if he and his vice-captain even lived on the same plane of existence.
7.
When they patrolled Grand Line they usually didn’t have to worry about hollows or arrankar, because on Grand Line, there were things that ate hollows and arrankar for breakfast.
What they did have to worry about were the surly ghosts who didn’t want to cross over just yet, and the fights they got into with those bastards when they were trying to convince them it was their time to go after all.
But on the rare occasion when there wasn’t even something of that magnitude to deal with, the two shinigami sometimes visited a certain ship with a certain crew on it, because as far as either of them was concerned, there was something about one’s legacy that a person would always be protective over, even in death.
The captain of that certain crew aboard that certain ship was orange-headed and lively, and when he laughed it was with every bit of his heart. There was that legendary D attached to his name too, but fortuitiously, nothing that had to do with monkeys as well. He had his mother to thank for that.
His first mate slept all day and squabbled with the cook in the rare moments when he was awake, just like their two senseis had, once upon a time.
They were all so strong it was really very stupid, and so Zoro and Sanji never lingered for very long. Because no matter how they threw it, there really was no need for them to stay and watch over these people.
When they returned to Soul Society after those visits they always stopped by Nami’s place and had a couple of drinks afterwards-chatted for a while and ran up their tabs because no matter what world they were in, they would always owe her money.
They found that on those days more than any others, she was always eager to hear whatever it was they had to say.
8.
When Sanji reached bankai he thought he’d have something cool to say just like everyone else who had it did, something along the lines of “Soar in the frozen sky,” or “Scatter,” or hell, even “Roar.”
But no.
Because Hauteclere was a bastard, and was apparently determined to make Sanji look like an idiot for the rest of his days.
As if the stupid thing’s name wasn’t bad enough already.
Zoro got to shout, “Charge, Wadou Ichimonji,” “Rend, Sandai Kitetsu,” and/or “Sedate, Yubashiri,” depending on the sword (or combination of swords) that he wanted to use at any one given time, and truth be told, there was not a one of those three words that wasn’t very manly and properly intimidating in a very clear-cut, direct kind of way. The fact that the stupid bastard had the convenience of owning an attack type, a kidou type, and a healing type Zanpakutou all at once was already unfair enough as it was. The cool summons on top of all of that was just pushing it.
And while Sanji supposed his attack word had a very, very intimidating meaning when put in context of a battle, the fact that it was one of those phrases only a select few seemed to be able to decipher (not unlike Hauteclere’s name actually), made it seem much sillier sounding than it was to an untrained ear.
“But it fits, no?” his sword offered, sounding sly. “And I think, cher, that it will be properly appreciated once everyone sees what we can do with it, don’t you?”
Sanji supposed his pain-in-his-ass zanpakutou had a point with that.
So he saved it for the time when it was most needed, at the height of danger with ten arrankar bearing down on him and his forces with no taichou in sight.
Sanji lit a cigarette, stretched his legs, and solemnly declared, “Filet, Hauteclere.”
When he was done-and everyone under his command had witnessed what “filet” actually meant when applied to the bodies of the ten arrankar-Sanji’s eyes dared anyone to laugh at him about it.
No one did.
9.
Zoro did.
He laughed and laughed and laughed when he heard about it some time later, and Sanji thought he might have tried his bankai out on the bastard if Hauteclere wasn’t already too busy trying to chat up Yubashiri with regards to the beautiful chaos they could make together.
Sanji sighed and wondered what he would have to do to petition to get back into the reincarnation stream himself.
The sooner the better.
10.
When they heard that a great warrior of the sea who’d commanded eight thousand men in his lifetime had died peacefully in his sleep with his children and grandchildren gathered all around, Zoro and Sanji looked at each other and set out for Rukongai right away.
Just in case that great warrior of the sea had accidentally forgotten to bring his eight thousand man army with him on the trip over.
END
EDITS PLZ.
Universe: One Piece/Bleach
Theme/Topic: N/A
Rating: PG-13
Character/Pairing/s: Zoro, Sanji, Nami, Kenpachi (mentions of Kuukaku and slight LuffyxNami)
Warnings/Spoilers: None I can imagine.
Word Count: 2,390
Summary: In the Thirteen Going on Fourteen Universe- The days in seireitei tick by. No one gets any smarter.
Dedication: for alita_b_angel because your joy at Sanji’s pain always makes me happy. Also for pyrat_xo for help with Zoro’s sword names. ^_^
A/N: Fic that follows "Manifest” and probably rivals it in silliness. Once again speed-written to try and make it on time for Crossover Saturday at capslock_op. Hence there are probably six billion mistakes in this crack fest. XD
Disclaimer: Not mine, though I wish constantly.
Distribution: Just lemme know.
1.
“You can’t pick a skull-and-crossbones for the goddamned division flower! First of all, not a flower! Second, I am in charge of food preparation do you know what a skull-and-crossbones even means in that context?!”
“Sure,” Zoro snorted around a mouthful of cake, like the answer should be obvious. “Pirates.”
Sanji slapped a hand to his forehead.
“I think you all oughta have pansies,” Zaraki suggested.
“NOBODY ASKED YOU!” Sanji screamed, and wished the eleventh division captain would just finish his dessert and go home already.
Zoro in the meantime, predictably rose to the bait. “What was that, umi-head?” he asked, eyes narrowing dangerously.
Zaraki just grinned and put down his fork. He had some cake on the corner of his mouth and failed to look scary because he ate like a four-year-old. “You heard me. Pansy. Because your pansy little ass never wants to fight me because yer scared all the time.”
Zoro glowered and stood, before drawing his swords. “Scared, huh?”
Sanji sighed. “Better do it quietly if you’re going to do it assholes,” he said. “If you get too loud the soufflés will fall and then both of you get dish duty after dinner I swear it.”
Zoro and Kenpachi fought quietly.
In the meantime, Sanji pondered the whole division flower thing some more, because he really couldn’t rely on a moron like Zoro to pick out the proper symbol for their fledgling division all by himself.
“Cher,” a voice sing-songed in his ear just a moment or two later, “I think a rose would be nice, yes? They are such pretty flowers, and an apt symbol of our beautifully blossoming love, don’t you think?”
“You shut the fuck up,” Sanji snapped, and momentarily drew strange looks from the two combatants behind him.
“He finally go crazy?” Zaraki asked, and blinked.
Zoro shrugged. “Probably.”
Sanji rubbed his temples. “Zoro, he called you a pansy, remember?”
“Oh right.”
The fight resumed.
Later, when his captain was too busy lolling from blood loss to complain about it, Sanji gave up and submitted the pansy design to Yamamoto-soutaichou, if only because he knew it would piss Zoro the hell off when he came to.
Zaraki in the meantime, was forced to do the dishes that night.
2.
Zoro was forced to do the dishes the following day (because no one escaped punishment in the fourteenth division), and as Zaraki ate cake and watched (because apparently he never wanted to go home), the eleventh division captain couldn’t help but marvel at how quickly Roronoa cleaned those fucking things.
Sanji only smirked. “You should see him mop the floors.”
3.
In their free time they searched all of Soul Society for old friends, but were told by some of their subordinates that looking for people who died twenty, ten, and five years ago was pretty difficult (near impossible, really) in a place like Rukongai. First, there was a highly likely chance that the people they were looking for had already been killed by bandits (which Zoro personally found extremely unlikely all things considered, and Sanji was inclined to agree), and if not the bandits, then there was also the chance that they’d simply reentered the reincarnation stream themselves (which, Zoro admitted, was more likely, and Sanji was again inclined to agree). Finally, in the least likely case of all, they were still out there, but Rukongai was so huge that it was impossible (most of the time), to find any one person there, let alone three.
Their subordinates clearly didn’t know these people they were searching for then, because if they had they would also have known that Zoro and Sanji’s old comrades were the type of people who were very easy to find when they wanted to be, all things considered.
But along that same vein, Zoro and Sanji surmised that since they hadn’t yet been found, their friends had probably been reincarnated already, since they hadn’t heard of any a: large scale binging and/or property destruction caused by any one man, b: talking reindeer, or c: elegantly beautiful women who just so happened to sprout extra limbs every now and again at will.
There was also the theory that the Devil’s Fruit abilities were named in honor of their price, but no one ever talked about that other possibility regarding where taichou and fukutaichou’s nakama had ended up while they were in the presence of either of the two fourteenth division leaders. Well, to be more accurate, no one brought it up if they didn’t want a shinigami captain’s blade/s at their throat or a good swift kick to the ass/head/ribcage/vital organ systems to follow swiftly thereafter.
Besides, there wasn’t enough convincing and good-sense in the world to stop the two former pirates from looking either way.
Because neither of them ever stopped hoping.
4.
Sanji spent what little free time he had trying to get to know his zanpakutou better.
Not because he enjoyed the annoying bastard’s company or anything like that, but because he really couldn’t stand the fact that Zoro had gotten to bankai in about three-point-two-seconds with all three swords while he was having trouble trying to coerce just one of the stupid things into cooperating with him.
“Well, my little love,” Hauteclere would say whenever Sanji grew impatient, “Your Roronoa-taichou spent a lifetime wooing those three pretty ones, no? We have only known each other for a very few months now. I hope you at least know I am not that kind of man. At least buy me dinner first, have a conversation with me, yes? Charm me, cher, and I am sure I will put out soon!”
Sanji really hated his zanpakutou.
5.
Almost a year after their first appearance in seireitei, news reached Sanji and Zoro from one of their patrols on grand line- the most famous cartographer in all the world had died not long after completing her life’s work.
The two of them took one look at each other and then were off-Sanji leaving their sputtering third seat in charge of the dinner preparations and Zoro having to take a rain check on today’s fight with Zaraki (which caused all sorts of problems for Ikkaku and Yumichika later).
They found Nami two weeks after they first heard the news, living it up in a high rise casino in one of Rukongai’s better known gaming districts, having just become the newly indoctrinated Madame of the joint in its entirety. Rumor has it she won the business in a high stakes poker game that, as far as Zoro was concerned, she’d probably cheated in. She’d named the place the “Merry go Round,” and they’d recognized her flag without the shadow of a doubt from a mile away.
When they walked through the plush red doors she was there as expected, enthroned at the hall’s premiere table while she held court with a group of high rolling admirers. She looked exactly as they’d remembered her. Though to be fair, a brilliant, bright woman was the only thing either of them had ever seen when they’d looked at her, whether she be nineteen or seventy.
“Nami-swan, magnificent!!!” Sanji cried, and hearts filled his eyes as he practically floated to her side.
Zoro stared. Diamond chandeliers, free-flowing champagne, servant boys as far as the eye could see. “Tch. Demon woman,” he muttered under his breath as he stalked over to her table, feeling at once out of place and at home here. Out of place simply because he wasn’t used to the riches and vice and the fancy dress code, but at the same time, at home because he was pretty used to being in a world where she owned everything he touched.
She really was an unbelievable demon woman, no question about it.
But even still-even still- there was something in Roronoa Zoro’s eyes that looked happy when he saw her there, safe and sound and as rich as god.
Not that he’d actually believed those famed Rukongai bandits of myth and legend had had a real chance against her in the first place or anything.
6.
She’d been lost at first, she told them later, when she was recounting the tale of her arrival here. “I was in the middle of these huge fields and there was nothing for miles. It was very confusing. I would have thought heaven had more…well, of this.” She waved around them, to the in-house band, the champagne, the craps tables and the poker games.
“Che. What makes you so sure you were going to heaven?” Zoro snorted, and earned himself a kick to the head from his vice-captain.
Nami ignored him. “Anyway, I started walking and walking and walking, and just when I thought I would collapse from exhaustion; I saw this really weird house.”
Zoro blinked. “Weird how?”
It had these huge arms holding up a banner over it! Of course it was weird!”
“And what, you robbed the inhabitants blind, redecorated out of the goodness of your heart, and found yourself here?”
Sanji kicked Zoro in the head again.
“I knocked of course,” Nami twittered. “Kuukaku-san and I hit it off right away.”
“Kuukaku-san? Shiba Kuukaku?”
Nami beamed. “The one and only!”
Zoro tried not to have nightmares imagining what that meeting must have been like.
Sanji in the meantime, drooled a little.
It made Roronoa-taichou wonder if he and his vice-captain even lived on the same plane of existence.
7.
When they patrolled Grand Line they usually didn’t have to worry about hollows or arrankar, because on Grand Line, there were things that ate hollows and arrankar for breakfast.
What they did have to worry about were the surly ghosts who didn’t want to cross over just yet, and the fights they got into with those bastards when they were trying to convince them it was their time to go after all.
But on the rare occasion when there wasn’t even something of that magnitude to deal with, the two shinigami sometimes visited a certain ship with a certain crew on it, because as far as either of them was concerned, there was something about one’s legacy that a person would always be protective over, even in death.
The captain of that certain crew aboard that certain ship was orange-headed and lively, and when he laughed it was with every bit of his heart. There was that legendary D attached to his name too, but fortuitiously, nothing that had to do with monkeys as well. He had his mother to thank for that.
His first mate slept all day and squabbled with the cook in the rare moments when he was awake, just like their two senseis had, once upon a time.
They were all so strong it was really very stupid, and so Zoro and Sanji never lingered for very long. Because no matter how they threw it, there really was no need for them to stay and watch over these people.
When they returned to Soul Society after those visits they always stopped by Nami’s place and had a couple of drinks afterwards-chatted for a while and ran up their tabs because no matter what world they were in, they would always owe her money.
They found that on those days more than any others, she was always eager to hear whatever it was they had to say.
8.
When Sanji reached bankai he thought he’d have something cool to say just like everyone else who had it did, something along the lines of “Soar in the frozen sky,” or “Scatter,” or hell, even “Roar.”
But no.
Because Hauteclere was a bastard, and was apparently determined to make Sanji look like an idiot for the rest of his days.
As if the stupid thing’s name wasn’t bad enough already.
Zoro got to shout, “Charge, Wadou Ichimonji,” “Rend, Sandai Kitetsu,” and/or “Sedate, Yubashiri,” depending on the sword (or combination of swords) that he wanted to use at any one given time, and truth be told, there was not a one of those three words that wasn’t very manly and properly intimidating in a very clear-cut, direct kind of way. The fact that the stupid bastard had the convenience of owning an attack type, a kidou type, and a healing type Zanpakutou all at once was already unfair enough as it was. The cool summons on top of all of that was just pushing it.
And while Sanji supposed his attack word had a very, very intimidating meaning when put in context of a battle, the fact that it was one of those phrases only a select few seemed to be able to decipher (not unlike Hauteclere’s name actually), made it seem much sillier sounding than it was to an untrained ear.
“But it fits, no?” his sword offered, sounding sly. “And I think, cher, that it will be properly appreciated once everyone sees what we can do with it, don’t you?”
Sanji supposed his pain-in-his-ass zanpakutou had a point with that.
So he saved it for the time when it was most needed, at the height of danger with ten arrankar bearing down on him and his forces with no taichou in sight.
Sanji lit a cigarette, stretched his legs, and solemnly declared, “Filet, Hauteclere.”
When he was done-and everyone under his command had witnessed what “filet” actually meant when applied to the bodies of the ten arrankar-Sanji’s eyes dared anyone to laugh at him about it.
No one did.
9.
Zoro did.
He laughed and laughed and laughed when he heard about it some time later, and Sanji thought he might have tried his bankai out on the bastard if Hauteclere wasn’t already too busy trying to chat up Yubashiri with regards to the beautiful chaos they could make together.
Sanji sighed and wondered what he would have to do to petition to get back into the reincarnation stream himself.
The sooner the better.
10.
When they heard that a great warrior of the sea who’d commanded eight thousand men in his lifetime had died peacefully in his sleep with his children and grandchildren gathered all around, Zoro and Sanji looked at each other and set out for Rukongai right away.
Just in case that great warrior of the sea had accidentally forgotten to bring his eight thousand man army with him on the trip over.
END
EDITS PLZ.