FIC- Fading Addiction Part Fourteen
Cheers for all the lovely comments and Christmas wishes guys. Christmas may nearly be over but there’s still New Year to go so yay for that! And just so this isn’t an entirely pointless post... more fic. :-)
Thanks to Kyry for doing the honours of being my beta. :-)
Fading Addiction Part thirteen is here.
Fading Addiction Part Fourteen
Though I am ashamed to say so, I clung onto Cuddy as if I were a little girl for a good hour. Though I didn’t want to admit it, I was scared that the moment our bodies broke apart she would leave and I’d be alone once again. Right now I didn’t care what happened as long as she remained with me, holding me. Inside, I think Cuddy sensed that close contact was what I needed and so, although eventually she gently guided me to sit on the couch, she didn’t protest or tell me to pull myself together. Maybe she knew that if she did that I’d permanently fall to pieces and there would be no helping me.
Or maybe she cared enough to give me what I needed.
“Cuddy?” I lifted my head up to speak, my voice broken as I spoke to her. I was beginning to feel more lucid now, and though the alcohol was still having a big effect on my ability to think and move, I could hold a conversation fairly well. The only thing I hated was that it had made me more open, and therefore I was scared I would reveal too much of myself to Cuddy. I prayed that this wouldn’t happen.
“Yes?” She replied, full of concern.
“I hate this,” I whispered.
Gently, she traced her thumb along my cheekbone, back and forth, back and forth. In a strange way it was comforting, and I was calmed just a little more when she said, “If you let me; I’ll help you. I can’t take away the pain Cameron, but if you start talking to me, start opening up, I can make it easier.”
Suddenly, denial was the least appealing thing in the world. Nodding, I tried to show her that I accepted her offer. I forced myself to croak out, “Ok.”
She continued, “It’s going to be hard; but I’m here.” She gave me a small smile.
“It’s just… accepting it. It means accepting that I’ve been living a lie, pretending I was ok when I wasn’t,” I admitted.
“Cameron; for you to merely say that is a big step. Before you flat out refused to listen, but now you’re contemplating it’s a possibility; well that’s good.” Tightly, she enveloped me in another hug. “When you’re ready to come out and say it, I’m here.”
“I want to.” I said, muffled by her shoulder pressing into my mouth. Pulling away to face her I said, “I need to.” For what felt like a long time I paused, but eventually, I managed to psyche myself up. “I’m anorexic.” I could say the words, but still couldn’t quite believe them. It was almost as if I was saying them without any true meaning behind them, though on some level I knew that it wasn’t an outright lie. A total contradiction, but that’s the only way I can explain it.
Cuddy nodded, tears in her eyes. Seeing this made me want to cry harder; purely because I had never before felt so weak and exposed, and here I was upsetting her. However, I was still unclear as to why she had reacted to the situation the way she had.
Cautiously I asked, “Why are you upset? When I wouldn’t admit it before; you got angry. You tried persuading me, begging me… why do you react differently to a situation that has essentially stayed the same?”
“It hasn’t stayed the same.” She said wearily, wiping away the tears that had begun to leave her eyes and were threatening to roll down her cheeks. “It’s got worse, we’ve become closer, and as time passes it’s become harder. I react in various ways because… well because I’m human Cameron. That’s what humans do, they experience all kinds of emotions.”
“But before any of that, when I fainted in the clinic, you seemed emotionless; like you couldn’t have cared less.” I stated, hurt at the memory which has surfaced.
She shrugged. “I was trying to figure you out. I’m sorry if I seemed like a bitch; that wasn’t my intention.”
“It’s ok, I’ve behaved far worse towards you.” I said, suddenly embarrassed by my actions towards her, that night especially. I couldn’t believe I’d rung her, slurring down the phone.
“You have a reason.” She said gently.
I shook my head. “No; it’s no excuse. I’m sorry.” Shakily, I took her hand in my own. She was warm, and the warmth spread to the tips of my fingers, making me feel alive for the first time in as long as I could remember.
“You’re forgiven.” Smiling, she squeezed my hand, backing up the fact that she genuinely accepted my apology with her body language. The pressure sent my heart racing, this time in a good way, and impulsively, probably due to the fact I was still under the influence of alcohol, I placed a kiss on her cheek. As I moved away her mouth brushed against the side of my face, leaving my skin tingling for a few seconds after. At first I worried that she was going to be mad, and expecting to see a frown on her face, I raised my eyes to look into hers. Instead, she was staring at me with an indescribable expression, and before I knew it her mouth had clashed against mine and we were kissing; actually kissing. Her mouth was pressed to mine, her tongue flicking against the roof of my mouth over and over, causing my skin to prickle, my thoughts no longer hazy but consumed with the moment, what was finally taking place. It felt as though I’d been waiting for this all my life, and for the first time in a long time I allowed myself to feel good. To feel something other than ugly.
Cuddy made me feel real.
I existed.
All too soon she pulled away, sitting before me but not looking me in the eye, catching her breath. When she was finally able to breathe, she faced me directly, and said in little more than a whisper, “Did that just happen?”
Nervous, not knowing whether she already thought it was a huge mistake, I spoke apprehensively. “Yeah.” Though I had planned on saying something else my mouth was suddenly dry, and I was conscious of the fact that my lips were swollen, throbbing from the contact with Cuddy’s mouth.
“Are you ok with it?” She asked, her eyes wide, anticipating my answer.
“Depends what it is.” I’d hoped to get across that I was confused, but instead, judging by the expression on her face I’d merely succeeded in mystifying her, and hurting her feelings according to the flash of sadness that appeared in her eyes. Therefore, I added, “If it is kissing you on a regular basis then I’m more than ok with this. And… I’m not just saying this because I’ve been drinking; promise.” As I said this she smiled, making my heart skip a beat. She’d never smiled at me like that before; and it served to make me want to kiss her over and over again.
No longer smiling, but still looking at me happily, Cuddy ran a hand through her hair, pushing it back from her face. “You’re still going to let me be there for you right?”
Despite being scared beyond belief, and the memories of our conversation prior to the kiss again entering the forefront of my mine, I nodded. “But I need to do this my way, ok? I’ve lived this way for so long that I don’t even remember what it’s like to be normal.” Sadly, I dropped my voice to a lower level. “I don’t know how to sit and eat a meal without freaking out.”
Cuddy cupped my face in her hands, and firmly she informed me, “I’m going to support you every step of the way Allison. Every time it gets hard, whenever you feel like giving up, I’m going to make sure you keep going.”
Something in her voice told me that she was telling the truth, that I should place my trust in her. Whereas previously if she’d said this I would have snapped, got angry, walked away or ran as fast as I could to the nearest food store seeking some sort of comfort from a binge; I accepted her words. Whether it was because she’d called me Allison or because of what had happened between us, I wasn’t sure. I was pretty sure the latter was the main reason whilst the first served to back it up. Resolutely I replied, “Ok.”