FIC: Impossible (12/30)
Title: Impossible
Author: perfect_pride
Pairing: Hermione/Bellatrix
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: It goes without saying that none of the Harry Potter world or its’ characters belong to me, unfortunately. Neither do the lyrics.
Warnings: Mental and physical abuse/torture.
Summary: Bellatrix abducts Hermione and keeps her prisoner, but an ancient magic threatens to change both their lives in ways they never thought were possible.
A/N: This fic begins during the summer months at the start of Deathly Hallows and complies with the events throughout the book. The timeline has been slightly adjusted at the start but it is barely noticeable. It takes into account events from the books and the films, but mainly the books as they are my favourite and provide greater detail. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (film) wasn’t considered as I wrote this beforehand and I feel like the scenes I have written and slotted into the book version work better. I hope that makes sense, if not, please ask. Also, I have tried to keep the characters in-character despite the unlikely pairing. Feedback is welcome. :)
(1), (2) , (3a), (3b) , ( 4), ( 5) , (6), (7), ( 8), ( 9), (10), (11) ,
**
I cannot help it, I couldn't stop it if I tried
The same old heartbeat fills the emptiness I have inside
And I've heard that you can't fight love, so I won't complain
'Cause why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on?
Michelle Branch, I’d Rather Be In Love
**
12.
The next time that Hermione set eyes on any Death Eaters had been at Bill and Fleur’s wedding, from which herself, Harry and Ron had been forced to quickly Disapparate away from. Before leaving, she had desperately tried to catch a glimpse of Bellatrix, but not catching sight of her, she assumed that she was either not there or staying away. Considering the latter, she felt a pang in her chest, hoping that she meant enough to Bellatrix for her not to be a target anymore. A crazy idea, but she was still going to keep hoping.
Whether Bellatrix had been there or not, Hermione had been fortunate to survive. Really, they were all lucky enough to escape with their lives, and so she tried not to dwell too much on the raven haired woman. For some insane reason she had been granted a second chance, and she would have to use all her energy on defeating Voldemort, regardless of any feelings she had for Bellatrix. Now was not the time to be selfish, because her own feelings should be disregarded considering the way most of the wizarding world as a whole felt about the cause Bellatrix currently stood for. You’re for the greater good, Hermione.
Over the next few months as they moved from Grimmauld Place to random locations, Hermione revealed nothing of what had happened between herself and Bellatrix to Ron and Harry. There was still something between her and Ron, although they were not officially together, and she didn’t want to say or do anything to upset the mood; not when things were already so tense whilst they searched for Horcruxes. The items they had been given by Dumbledore hadn’t been a whole lot of use so far (although Hermione grudgingly admitted that the Deluminator had led Ron back to them after a moment of weakness) and she was beginning to feel more frustrated than ever. Fortunately though, Hermione’s magic was as strong as it ever was, despite her fears when imprisoned that she may never be as good as she used to be.
Try as she might, forgetting about Bellatrix had been utterly impossible. Each night she dreamt of the older witch, the dreams so real that upon waking she felt as though she had lost the most important person in her life, which was evidently ridiculous considering they were both on different sides of the war. As if that wasn’t bad enough, every waking thought about Bellatrix was followed by her wondering about where the Death Eater was now, what she was doing, and even if she was with Rodolphus. Hermione had tried numerous things to distract herself; reading, speaking to Harry and Ron, even going so far as to develop her relationship with Ron further by holding his hand and leaning against him, though she had yet to actually kiss him.
It wasn’t working, and Hermione couldn’t figure out why. She had always loved Ron ever since they became friends in the first year, and over time it had developed into something of a crush. Now that she could have him, she found that she was no longer interested, and her thoughts were constantly dominated by one of the few people in the world that she would never be able to be with. Ron was nothing but a mediocre substitute; the reason she had been so angry and upset every night after he had left was as much to do with the sinking despair she was falling into regarding Bellatrix as it was related to losing her not-quite-a-friend-but-not-quite-a-boyfriend.
Being an Undesirable had only amplified Hermione’s anguish. Moreover, considering that the Ministry had fallen, things had become increasingly dangerous. Hermione did feel extremely lucky to have gotten out of The Burrow safely, but now she wondered if she should have just given up. Being a Muggle-born who associated with Harry Potter pretty much made her a serious target in Voldemort’s eyes, and as a blood traitor, Ron didn’t fare much better. It had made searching for the Horcruxes all the more difficult, and despite their best efforts and many near misses, they had so far only managed to secure and destroy the locket, leaving another four Horcruxes plus Voldemort himself left to handle.
Not having any idea where to look next, Hermione had taken to perusing the numerous books that she had brought with her, including the book, The Tales of Beedle the Bard that Dumbledore had left her in his Wizarding Will. Many of the books she had already read, but there was still one, Ancient Love that she had yet to consider in detail, having only skimmed it so far. She had brought it along hoping that it would help them to understand a little more about exactly what protection Harry had been granted when his mother sacrificed herself for him, but nothing had jumped out at her as of yet. In fairness, she hadn’t actually read it from start to finish, considering other tasks far more worthy of her time, but with no new leads, Hermione forced herself to sit down with it to see if there was anything new she could learn.
After two hours of reading the book, Hermione had still not discovered anything even vaguely useful or that she didn’t know already. It was extremely irritating to say the least, but Hermione didn’t want to give up in case there was something in the latter half of the book that she had yet to come across. As annoying as it was to have to concentrate so hard on what felt like a futile attempt, Hermione knew it was the right thing to do. If she missed something essential then she would never be able to forgive herself. Besides, she was the bookworm of the three, and if she didn’t do it who would? Neither of the boys had shown a great deal of interest in her investigations anyway; they thought that she was wasting her time.
Several minutes later, and Hermione was drawn to the page she had just flipped onto. It looked utterly irrelevant to the bond between Harry and his mother, but all the same, she couldn’t take her eyes from the book no matter how hard she tried. There was something about the words she read before her that triggered a memory inside, a crucial part of something that she had failed to understand. She had thought herself ridiculous these past few months for her feelings about her encounter with Bellatrix, that there had been a connection between them, a bond far stronger than anything she had ever expected. Maybe she had been wrong. Could this be the answer she was looking for?
**
December 1981
Bellatrix’s first couple of months in Azkaban, before she had gotten used to the feelings of torment and helplessness had been like a constant Cruciatus Curse on her emotions. The Dementors made her have doubts about the decisions she had made over the years; firstly her decision to desert her sister, Andromeda, secondly to go along with the marriage to Rodolphus and thirdly her joining the Dark Lord. To make things worse, they were just three of many memories that played over and over in her mind. She was wondering if she’d done the right thing; willingly accepting punishment for a crime she did not commit, purely so her Lord would see how devoted she had been had seemed worth it at the time, but not now. Surely though her Lord would come back to rescue her? He couldn’t really be dead, could he?
After she had worked hard and been granted the honour of becoming a part of Lord Voldemort’s inner circle, she had thought the rewards would come. Moreover, as the only female Death Eater to be included in the inner circle, she had assumed that it meant her Lord had feelings that ran deeper for her than for any of the other women. Granted, there had so far been no outward signs, but that didn’t mean that they didn’t exist deep within him.
As hard as she tried, Bellatrix could not shake off the incessant need to feel loved. Rodolphus had long since given up trying to ply her with his affections even before Azkaban, and although it meant they had gotten along better, it had also left Bellatrix feeling as though there was nobody in the world that truly cared for her. Narcissa her been so fixated on her life with Lucius and their baby boy, Draco, that even she had given up on Bellatrix in the months before her imprisonment.
There was only one thing that Azkaban had offered Bellatrix that was of benefit, and that was clarity. She now saw that things had gotten out of hand, that she had gone too far. Nevertheless, this was an endless sentence. It wouldn’t matter what she said; they would never free her. Moreover, if her Lord did return there was no question of her returning to him. It was a lifetime of service; the Dark Lord would not accept her abandoning him, especially if he were the one to release her from the hellish world she had now been entrapped into.
Maybe if she tried hard enough her Lord would see how much she cared and it would give him the strength to return. He could offer her so much... power... wealth... protection. More than that, he was of pure-blood descent, and that meant that he was as respectable as they came in the eyes of history, despite what the Mudbloods, blood-traitors and half-bloods thought. Her life with him would be far better than what she had been given with Rodolphus, of that Bellatrix was sure.
“My Lord!” she called through the bars into the night sky. “My Lord, I am waiting for you! Please, my Lord!”
“He’s gone, you bitch!”
Spinning around, Bellatrix moved back towards the door of her cell, towards the sound of the familiar voice.
“HE SHALL RETURN!” she shrieked.
“NO HE WON’T!” Sirius shouted back. “Why don’t you spend less time pining for your Scum-Lord and more time concentrating on developing some remorse for all you’ve done wrong, you evil cow!”
“FUCK YOU, BLACK!” she yelled.
Sirius only laughed in reply, most likely at her use of his surname. The surname that they had once shared was a link between them no matter what sides they had fought on and what decisions they had made. I should have called him something, anything, else, Bellatrix thought angrily. She didn’t want to be associated with Sirius, and she most certainly didn’t want to feel remorse. Besides, she hadn’t done anything wrong. The Longbottom’s she was not responsible for, and any Mudbloods or Muggles that she had tortured had without a doubt deserved all they had gotten. A round or two of Crucio put people in their place, above all else.
The only thing that Bellatrix now regretted was being stupid enough to stand up and shout her beliefs during her trial instead of just keeping her mouth shut. If she had avoided Azkaban then she could have gone on with her life, left Rodolphus now that both her parents were dead, and created a new life for herself. She could have had a career, married someone that she loved even despite what people thought of her. Everything could have been perfect, and then when her Lord returned, she would be there for him. Instead she was locked in a cell, doubting herself, doubting the decisions she had made, and she didn’t even have a house-elf for company.
Screaming loudly, Bellatrix didn’t stop until her throat was raw and there was an intense, burning pain at the back of her mouth. She hurt so much that she could barely stand the pain of it, of knowing that she would be shut away, probably for the rest of her living years. It didn’t bear thinking about, but then all there was to do in a tiny room with no company was lose herself in her own desperate, horrendous, painful thoughts.
For the first time since she had found out she was to marry Rodolphus, Bellatrix cried.
**
Over and over Hermione read the pages before her, ignoring the detailed analysis for the moment and simply focusing on the bare facts to get an understanding of the actual concept. It seemed so unbelievable that such a connection could exist, but then this was a factual book, not one based on myths and fairytales like The Tales of Beedle the Bard. She had already come across many rare, complicated forms of love, and like the others, this one was a love that she had never before heard of. Reading it over one last time before she processed her thoughts, Hermione took in all the information she possible could.
*
Semper Amor (Forever Love) or Aeternus Amor (Everlasting Love)
What is it: A rare, ancient love formed between anyone with magical blood within them, (including Muggle-borns) which may be described as a strong bond that cannot be broken through force or any other means. It is a kind of romantic love, different to that experienced between family members such as a mother and a daughter, and goes far beyond friendship and the love within Mediocris Romaut Amor (Ordinary Romantic Love).
Identifying: This is extremely difficult; a couple experiencing such love may not realise it unless they separate (which in such a bond is extremely rare). This is due to the fact that when apart, both lovers will experience insomnia, intense dreams featuring each other, weakness and depression. As this is the way many feel after a break-up from their love, it is often considered to be what we have previously referred to as Mediocris Romaut Amor when it is in actual fact Semper Amor. When neither individual can cope with being apart for an extended period of time, it is a sign that Semper Amor plays a part.
From the few individuals who have experienced Semper Amor , it has also been reported that there is a feeling of “falling into the other person” during the first kiss, or of bodies “entwining”, “melting” or “fusing” into each other, and even the couple rising, suspended in mid-air during the very first kiss. Kissing and/or intimate contact also bring about feelings of true happiness more intense than within Mediocris Romaut Amor.
How is it formed: It has long been believed that Semper Amor is formed from the first moment the two lovers meet, even though it may not be realised or acknowledged at first.
Why: As far as is understood, it occurs randomly with no logical explanation. The hatred that one may feel for another is not a factor, and indeed it is possible to have the Semper Amor bond with someone and to actively hate them at the same time. Semper Amor does not recognise wars, disagreements or conflicts, and exists alongside such issues between lovers.
Cure: There is no known ‘cure’ as such. Those affected by the ancient magic can choose to ignore or not act on it, but once it has actively been fed (i.e. from the moment of the first kiss or intimate touch) it will cause intense emotional pain beyond all other kinds of pain should the lovers actively choose to permanently go their separate ways. Not more than a few days will pass without each lover considering the other, and sustaining a long-term, loving relationship with another is close to impossible. It is safe to say that from the research completed so far, nobody has ever successfully ignored Semper Amor and gone on to lead a happy life.
Further information: There is no desire whatsoever for the lovers of Semper Amor to attempt relations or affairs with any other, thereby ensuring complete emotional faithfulness (although physical faithfulness can never be ensured due to a variety of love potions, spells and free will) for the entire duration of the relationship (usually life). As has already been touched upon, resisting the love is possible, but painful and inadvisable due to the extreme feelings of depression it evokes in both lovers.
Upon the death of one half of the partnership, the effects of Semper Amor lessen. However, although it is once again possible to experience happiness and contentment with another, the deceased will never be forgotten by the survivor, and will forever remain in their memories, sorely missed.
Due to the rarity of its’ occurrence and lack of solid information known about Semper Amor, it is not a well-known Ancient Love by any means. Few witches and wizards would be able to provide details of this love, although it is generally considered a fact that it does exist due to much of the research and evidence regarding it, which we have detailed throughout the rest of this chapter.
*
The chapter went on to explain in detail how Semper Amor was discovered, and gave examples of people who had experienced this sort of love. After skimming through, Hermione noted that all but one story was positive. Ignoring the happy stories, Hermione instead chose to focus on the miserable account of one woman from the 1970’s who claimed that after falling for a married man, Semper Amor had completely ruined her life (and presumably, Hermione thought, the man she had fallen for) as she could no longer concentrate on her career as a Healer, and subsequently, had ended up making a drastic fatal error with a patient suffering from a case of Dragon Pox, thereby losing her job.
It begged the vital question; had the explanation for her unwanted, despised affections for Bellatrix been contained in this book all along? It seemed impossible to imagine, but that did indeed seem to be the case. The supposed ancient love, Semper Amor, was likely to exist, and it did explain an awful lot about Hermione’s inability to put Bellatrix out of her mind. On it’s own Hermione may have considered herself to just be pining for something she couldn’t have, but then there was the kiss to consider. It had felt like no other, and it wasn’t as though it was because of a rush of love or emotional feelings for Bellatrix, it had felt like a physical reaction. How could she logically explain that, if not through this type of love?
“Hermione?”
Forcing herself out of her thoughts, Hermione snapped the book shut and turned to face Harry.
“Yes?” she replied, trying to sound as normal as possible, and as if she hadn’t just discovered that she was probably in love with a Death Eater for the rest of her life.
“Are you ok?” Harry asked, taking a seat next to her.
“I’m fine,” Hermione lied, smiling at Harry and hoping it actually looked like a smile as opposed to a grimace. Then, just in case Harry could see through her, she added, “I have a bit of a headache.”
Sympathetically, Harry nodded. She supposed he must be more understanding when it came to headaches, purely due to the fact that he experienced the most intense pains courteous of Voldemort invading his mind. “Maybe you should lie down and take a break from reading,” he suggested.
“But there’s so much to do,” Hermione protested. “We need to make some progress.”
“I know,” Harry said with a sigh. “This is more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. So much time spent waiting around in the hope that we stumble across something.”
“It’s hard,” Hermione agreed. And then, because she felt that she should at least raise Harry’s spirits if she couldn’t raise her own, she added, “But we’ve gotten rid of a Horcrux now... that’s excellent progress. Even if it takes us another five years, it’ll all be worth it in the end if we can defeat Him. Right?”
Harry smiled, his green eyes flashing at Hermione. “Yes. It will.”
For half hour or so, they both sat in companionable silence, both pondering their thoughts. Hermione supposed that the difference between them was that whereas Harry was fixated on how best to locate the Horcruxes, she herself was constantly thinking about Bellatrix, and if there was any way that she could speak to her without endangering Harry’s, Ron’s or her own life. She didn’t know what there was to say to the other woman, but maybe if she could show her what she had discovered, Bellatrix would listen to her, would see that the only way forward was for them both to unite on the same side. The Good Side.
Because I will never give up what I believe in for her, Hermione vowed. I will suffer in pain for the rest of my life before I join Voldemort.
If Bellatrix felt the same way about joining Hermione in the war against Voldemort, then there was going to be a serious problem. But somehow, Hermione thought that the chance of Bellatrix coming over to the side she fought for was far stronger than the chance of herself becoming a Death Eater. For one, she was a Mudblood, forever despised by all of Voldemort’s supporters, and there was no way she would ever be accepted by them. On the other hand, Bellatrix’s loyalty to Voldemort appeared to be far more complex than Hermione had previously thought, to the extent where she didn’t really understand how he had such a hold over Bellatrix. Or any of the Death Eaters, really. They tortured and murdered for someone who would never truly value them. Bizarre.
Although risky, Hermione would have to speak to Bellatrix in person once more. She knew where she lived (even if she didn’t know the address, she knew what her home looked like, and hopefully that would be enough to Apparate there) and would just have to go there herself, alone, with Harry and Ron not aware. It was safer if they didn’t know of her plan, for they would only try to stop her or offer to come with her, and that simply would not do. This was something that for the moment had to remain only her secret, though eventually it would be one that she brought Bellatrix in on.
The best time to go would be at night, although one of them was always on duty. She could leave when it was her turn, but that would be foolish, and putting the boys in danger. What other option did she have though? She could lie to them about desperately needing supplies, argue that she would just make a quick trip to a Muggle supermarket for food. She had done it before, after all, and constantly eating mushrooms was irritating Ron especially, even if he didn’t complain after he had sheepishly returned to herself and Harry.
Of course, then there was the problem of actually getting food, but if all went well with Bellatrix then she could just go to the supermarket quickly straight after their meeting. It was either going to be ok with Bellatrix, or she was never going to see the boys again. There was not going to be any in-between; she somehow figured that Bellatrix would decide on something at the very least. Moreover, if this connection really did exist, then Bellatrix would be able to say if she too had been experiencing the same sort of feelings and dreams as Hermione.
There was, however, the ever so small problem of making sure she spoke to Bellatrix when she was alone. Hermione knew how to send her Patronus with a message, but what if Bellatrix was with Voldemort or other Death Eaters when she received it? That would make things all the more complicated. Although she could send a Patronus to Lemmy; couldn’t she? The reliable house-elf was almost certainly in the house, and if Hermione sent the message in the dead of night, and warned Lemmy only to pass on the message to Bellatrix when she was alone for her safety, then that would be ok? Right?
It was still risky, but then what other choice did Hermione have?
“I think tomorrow morning I should go and get us some proper food,” Hermione said, careful to keep her tone light.
“Huh?” Harry said, coming out of his thoughts. “Where from?”
“I thought I’d go to a Muggle supermarket,” Hermione said convincingly. “I’ll go somewhere busy and use the Invisibility Cloak... and I’ll grab as much as I can so that we can stock up for a while.”
Harry considered her words. “Well, maybe two of us should go... Ron could go with you, and that way you would be safer.”
Hermione shook her head. “No. Harry... if something were to happen to me, then it’s better to have two of you here to continue looking for Horcruxes.” She held up a hand to stop him protesting. “No, listen to me. It is far safer this way! Besides, I doubt very much that Death Eater’s are going to be hanging around waiting to take me from a supermarket.”
“But if they somehow manage to track you, it’s impossible to know what they can do for sure...” Harry began.
“I’ll be under the cloak,” Hermione reminded him. “Anything dodgy and I’m straight out of there. But to be honest, surrounded by Muggles I should be quite safe. I’ll blend in. I mean, there are millions of Muggles they could attack all over the country; what is the chance they’ll pick where I go? If I go to somewhere that isn’t too heavily populated like London it means I’m not so much of a target. I’ll be fine,” she said, reassuring him.
“Fine,” Harry said, defeated. “It’d be good to eat proper food again. No offence Hermione but mushroom dishes really aren’t your strong point.”
“Oh haha,” Hermione said, smiling. “Well, after we’ve stocked up you’ll have a nice break from them. Maybe you and Ronald could share the cooking between you for a few days.”
Harry rolled his eyes, and stood up to go and speak to Ron. “I’ll do it willingly, but I think Ron might have something to say about that.”
Hermione sighed. “Doesn’t he always?”
Watching Harry’s retreating back, Hermione congratulated herself on a job well done. She would send a Patronus when she was on duty that evening telling Lemmy to ask Bellatrix to be alone in her house at ten o’clock tomorrow morning. If Bellatrix planned on attacking her then that would give her enough time to formulate some sort of a plan, but it was the only thing that Hermione could think to do. If she used the Invisibility Cloak then she could hopefully take note of any danger, and should she spot any other Death Eaters then she would leave immediately.
Somehow though, she didn’t think that Bellatrix would betray her. Maybe she was absolutely crazy, but it was what she chose to believe.
Either way, in less than twenty-four hours, she would have her answer.
**
(( CLICK HERE for part 13 ))
Author: perfect_pride
Pairing: Hermione/Bellatrix
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: It goes without saying that none of the Harry Potter world or its’ characters belong to me, unfortunately. Neither do the lyrics.
Warnings: Mental and physical abuse/torture.
Summary: Bellatrix abducts Hermione and keeps her prisoner, but an ancient magic threatens to change both their lives in ways they never thought were possible.
A/N: This fic begins during the summer months at the start of Deathly Hallows and complies with the events throughout the book. The timeline has been slightly adjusted at the start but it is barely noticeable. It takes into account events from the books and the films, but mainly the books as they are my favourite and provide greater detail. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (film) wasn’t considered as I wrote this beforehand and I feel like the scenes I have written and slotted into the book version work better. I hope that makes sense, if not, please ask. Also, I have tried to keep the characters in-character despite the unlikely pairing. Feedback is welcome. :)
(1), (2) , (3a), (3b) , ( 4), ( 5) , (6), (7), ( 8), ( 9), (10), (11) ,
**
I cannot help it, I couldn't stop it if I tried
The same old heartbeat fills the emptiness I have inside
And I've heard that you can't fight love, so I won't complain
'Cause why would I stop the fire that keeps me going on?
Michelle Branch, I’d Rather Be In Love
**
12.
The next time that Hermione set eyes on any Death Eaters had been at Bill and Fleur’s wedding, from which herself, Harry and Ron had been forced to quickly Disapparate away from. Before leaving, she had desperately tried to catch a glimpse of Bellatrix, but not catching sight of her, she assumed that she was either not there or staying away. Considering the latter, she felt a pang in her chest, hoping that she meant enough to Bellatrix for her not to be a target anymore. A crazy idea, but she was still going to keep hoping.
Whether Bellatrix had been there or not, Hermione had been fortunate to survive. Really, they were all lucky enough to escape with their lives, and so she tried not to dwell too much on the raven haired woman. For some insane reason she had been granted a second chance, and she would have to use all her energy on defeating Voldemort, regardless of any feelings she had for Bellatrix. Now was not the time to be selfish, because her own feelings should be disregarded considering the way most of the wizarding world as a whole felt about the cause Bellatrix currently stood for. You’re for the greater good, Hermione.
Over the next few months as they moved from Grimmauld Place to random locations, Hermione revealed nothing of what had happened between herself and Bellatrix to Ron and Harry. There was still something between her and Ron, although they were not officially together, and she didn’t want to say or do anything to upset the mood; not when things were already so tense whilst they searched for Horcruxes. The items they had been given by Dumbledore hadn’t been a whole lot of use so far (although Hermione grudgingly admitted that the Deluminator had led Ron back to them after a moment of weakness) and she was beginning to feel more frustrated than ever. Fortunately though, Hermione’s magic was as strong as it ever was, despite her fears when imprisoned that she may never be as good as she used to be.
Try as she might, forgetting about Bellatrix had been utterly impossible. Each night she dreamt of the older witch, the dreams so real that upon waking she felt as though she had lost the most important person in her life, which was evidently ridiculous considering they were both on different sides of the war. As if that wasn’t bad enough, every waking thought about Bellatrix was followed by her wondering about where the Death Eater was now, what she was doing, and even if she was with Rodolphus. Hermione had tried numerous things to distract herself; reading, speaking to Harry and Ron, even going so far as to develop her relationship with Ron further by holding his hand and leaning against him, though she had yet to actually kiss him.
It wasn’t working, and Hermione couldn’t figure out why. She had always loved Ron ever since they became friends in the first year, and over time it had developed into something of a crush. Now that she could have him, she found that she was no longer interested, and her thoughts were constantly dominated by one of the few people in the world that she would never be able to be with. Ron was nothing but a mediocre substitute; the reason she had been so angry and upset every night after he had left was as much to do with the sinking despair she was falling into regarding Bellatrix as it was related to losing her not-quite-a-friend-but-not-quite-a-boyfriend.
Being an Undesirable had only amplified Hermione’s anguish. Moreover, considering that the Ministry had fallen, things had become increasingly dangerous. Hermione did feel extremely lucky to have gotten out of The Burrow safely, but now she wondered if she should have just given up. Being a Muggle-born who associated with Harry Potter pretty much made her a serious target in Voldemort’s eyes, and as a blood traitor, Ron didn’t fare much better. It had made searching for the Horcruxes all the more difficult, and despite their best efforts and many near misses, they had so far only managed to secure and destroy the locket, leaving another four Horcruxes plus Voldemort himself left to handle.
Not having any idea where to look next, Hermione had taken to perusing the numerous books that she had brought with her, including the book, The Tales of Beedle the Bard that Dumbledore had left her in his Wizarding Will. Many of the books she had already read, but there was still one, Ancient Love that she had yet to consider in detail, having only skimmed it so far. She had brought it along hoping that it would help them to understand a little more about exactly what protection Harry had been granted when his mother sacrificed herself for him, but nothing had jumped out at her as of yet. In fairness, she hadn’t actually read it from start to finish, considering other tasks far more worthy of her time, but with no new leads, Hermione forced herself to sit down with it to see if there was anything new she could learn.
After two hours of reading the book, Hermione had still not discovered anything even vaguely useful or that she didn’t know already. It was extremely irritating to say the least, but Hermione didn’t want to give up in case there was something in the latter half of the book that she had yet to come across. As annoying as it was to have to concentrate so hard on what felt like a futile attempt, Hermione knew it was the right thing to do. If she missed something essential then she would never be able to forgive herself. Besides, she was the bookworm of the three, and if she didn’t do it who would? Neither of the boys had shown a great deal of interest in her investigations anyway; they thought that she was wasting her time.
Several minutes later, and Hermione was drawn to the page she had just flipped onto. It looked utterly irrelevant to the bond between Harry and his mother, but all the same, she couldn’t take her eyes from the book no matter how hard she tried. There was something about the words she read before her that triggered a memory inside, a crucial part of something that she had failed to understand. She had thought herself ridiculous these past few months for her feelings about her encounter with Bellatrix, that there had been a connection between them, a bond far stronger than anything she had ever expected. Maybe she had been wrong. Could this be the answer she was looking for?
**
December 1981
Bellatrix’s first couple of months in Azkaban, before she had gotten used to the feelings of torment and helplessness had been like a constant Cruciatus Curse on her emotions. The Dementors made her have doubts about the decisions she had made over the years; firstly her decision to desert her sister, Andromeda, secondly to go along with the marriage to Rodolphus and thirdly her joining the Dark Lord. To make things worse, they were just three of many memories that played over and over in her mind. She was wondering if she’d done the right thing; willingly accepting punishment for a crime she did not commit, purely so her Lord would see how devoted she had been had seemed worth it at the time, but not now. Surely though her Lord would come back to rescue her? He couldn’t really be dead, could he?
After she had worked hard and been granted the honour of becoming a part of Lord Voldemort’s inner circle, she had thought the rewards would come. Moreover, as the only female Death Eater to be included in the inner circle, she had assumed that it meant her Lord had feelings that ran deeper for her than for any of the other women. Granted, there had so far been no outward signs, but that didn’t mean that they didn’t exist deep within him.
As hard as she tried, Bellatrix could not shake off the incessant need to feel loved. Rodolphus had long since given up trying to ply her with his affections even before Azkaban, and although it meant they had gotten along better, it had also left Bellatrix feeling as though there was nobody in the world that truly cared for her. Narcissa her been so fixated on her life with Lucius and their baby boy, Draco, that even she had given up on Bellatrix in the months before her imprisonment.
There was only one thing that Azkaban had offered Bellatrix that was of benefit, and that was clarity. She now saw that things had gotten out of hand, that she had gone too far. Nevertheless, this was an endless sentence. It wouldn’t matter what she said; they would never free her. Moreover, if her Lord did return there was no question of her returning to him. It was a lifetime of service; the Dark Lord would not accept her abandoning him, especially if he were the one to release her from the hellish world she had now been entrapped into.
Maybe if she tried hard enough her Lord would see how much she cared and it would give him the strength to return. He could offer her so much... power... wealth... protection. More than that, he was of pure-blood descent, and that meant that he was as respectable as they came in the eyes of history, despite what the Mudbloods, blood-traitors and half-bloods thought. Her life with him would be far better than what she had been given with Rodolphus, of that Bellatrix was sure.
“My Lord!” she called through the bars into the night sky. “My Lord, I am waiting for you! Please, my Lord!”
“He’s gone, you bitch!”
Spinning around, Bellatrix moved back towards the door of her cell, towards the sound of the familiar voice.
“HE SHALL RETURN!” she shrieked.
“NO HE WON’T!” Sirius shouted back. “Why don’t you spend less time pining for your Scum-Lord and more time concentrating on developing some remorse for all you’ve done wrong, you evil cow!”
“FUCK YOU, BLACK!” she yelled.
Sirius only laughed in reply, most likely at her use of his surname. The surname that they had once shared was a link between them no matter what sides they had fought on and what decisions they had made. I should have called him something, anything, else, Bellatrix thought angrily. She didn’t want to be associated with Sirius, and she most certainly didn’t want to feel remorse. Besides, she hadn’t done anything wrong. The Longbottom’s she was not responsible for, and any Mudbloods or Muggles that she had tortured had without a doubt deserved all they had gotten. A round or two of Crucio put people in their place, above all else.
The only thing that Bellatrix now regretted was being stupid enough to stand up and shout her beliefs during her trial instead of just keeping her mouth shut. If she had avoided Azkaban then she could have gone on with her life, left Rodolphus now that both her parents were dead, and created a new life for herself. She could have had a career, married someone that she loved even despite what people thought of her. Everything could have been perfect, and then when her Lord returned, she would be there for him. Instead she was locked in a cell, doubting herself, doubting the decisions she had made, and she didn’t even have a house-elf for company.
Screaming loudly, Bellatrix didn’t stop until her throat was raw and there was an intense, burning pain at the back of her mouth. She hurt so much that she could barely stand the pain of it, of knowing that she would be shut away, probably for the rest of her living years. It didn’t bear thinking about, but then all there was to do in a tiny room with no company was lose herself in her own desperate, horrendous, painful thoughts.
For the first time since she had found out she was to marry Rodolphus, Bellatrix cried.
**
Over and over Hermione read the pages before her, ignoring the detailed analysis for the moment and simply focusing on the bare facts to get an understanding of the actual concept. It seemed so unbelievable that such a connection could exist, but then this was a factual book, not one based on myths and fairytales like The Tales of Beedle the Bard. She had already come across many rare, complicated forms of love, and like the others, this one was a love that she had never before heard of. Reading it over one last time before she processed her thoughts, Hermione took in all the information she possible could.
*
Semper Amor (Forever Love) or Aeternus Amor (Everlasting Love)
What is it: A rare, ancient love formed between anyone with magical blood within them, (including Muggle-borns) which may be described as a strong bond that cannot be broken through force or any other means. It is a kind of romantic love, different to that experienced between family members such as a mother and a daughter, and goes far beyond friendship and the love within Mediocris Romaut Amor (Ordinary Romantic Love).
Identifying: This is extremely difficult; a couple experiencing such love may not realise it unless they separate (which in such a bond is extremely rare). This is due to the fact that when apart, both lovers will experience insomnia, intense dreams featuring each other, weakness and depression. As this is the way many feel after a break-up from their love, it is often considered to be what we have previously referred to as Mediocris Romaut Amor when it is in actual fact Semper Amor. When neither individual can cope with being apart for an extended period of time, it is a sign that Semper Amor plays a part.
From the few individuals who have experienced Semper Amor , it has also been reported that there is a feeling of “falling into the other person” during the first kiss, or of bodies “entwining”, “melting” or “fusing” into each other, and even the couple rising, suspended in mid-air during the very first kiss. Kissing and/or intimate contact also bring about feelings of true happiness more intense than within Mediocris Romaut Amor.
How is it formed: It has long been believed that Semper Amor is formed from the first moment the two lovers meet, even though it may not be realised or acknowledged at first.
Why: As far as is understood, it occurs randomly with no logical explanation. The hatred that one may feel for another is not a factor, and indeed it is possible to have the Semper Amor bond with someone and to actively hate them at the same time. Semper Amor does not recognise wars, disagreements or conflicts, and exists alongside such issues between lovers.
Cure: There is no known ‘cure’ as such. Those affected by the ancient magic can choose to ignore or not act on it, but once it has actively been fed (i.e. from the moment of the first kiss or intimate touch) it will cause intense emotional pain beyond all other kinds of pain should the lovers actively choose to permanently go their separate ways. Not more than a few days will pass without each lover considering the other, and sustaining a long-term, loving relationship with another is close to impossible. It is safe to say that from the research completed so far, nobody has ever successfully ignored Semper Amor and gone on to lead a happy life.
Further information: There is no desire whatsoever for the lovers of Semper Amor to attempt relations or affairs with any other, thereby ensuring complete emotional faithfulness (although physical faithfulness can never be ensured due to a variety of love potions, spells and free will) for the entire duration of the relationship (usually life). As has already been touched upon, resisting the love is possible, but painful and inadvisable due to the extreme feelings of depression it evokes in both lovers.
Upon the death of one half of the partnership, the effects of Semper Amor lessen. However, although it is once again possible to experience happiness and contentment with another, the deceased will never be forgotten by the survivor, and will forever remain in their memories, sorely missed.
Due to the rarity of its’ occurrence and lack of solid information known about Semper Amor, it is not a well-known Ancient Love by any means. Few witches and wizards would be able to provide details of this love, although it is generally considered a fact that it does exist due to much of the research and evidence regarding it, which we have detailed throughout the rest of this chapter.
*
The chapter went on to explain in detail how Semper Amor was discovered, and gave examples of people who had experienced this sort of love. After skimming through, Hermione noted that all but one story was positive. Ignoring the happy stories, Hermione instead chose to focus on the miserable account of one woman from the 1970’s who claimed that after falling for a married man, Semper Amor had completely ruined her life (and presumably, Hermione thought, the man she had fallen for) as she could no longer concentrate on her career as a Healer, and subsequently, had ended up making a drastic fatal error with a patient suffering from a case of Dragon Pox, thereby losing her job.
It begged the vital question; had the explanation for her unwanted, despised affections for Bellatrix been contained in this book all along? It seemed impossible to imagine, but that did indeed seem to be the case. The supposed ancient love, Semper Amor, was likely to exist, and it did explain an awful lot about Hermione’s inability to put Bellatrix out of her mind. On it’s own Hermione may have considered herself to just be pining for something she couldn’t have, but then there was the kiss to consider. It had felt like no other, and it wasn’t as though it was because of a rush of love or emotional feelings for Bellatrix, it had felt like a physical reaction. How could she logically explain that, if not through this type of love?
“Hermione?”
Forcing herself out of her thoughts, Hermione snapped the book shut and turned to face Harry.
“Yes?” she replied, trying to sound as normal as possible, and as if she hadn’t just discovered that she was probably in love with a Death Eater for the rest of her life.
“Are you ok?” Harry asked, taking a seat next to her.
“I’m fine,” Hermione lied, smiling at Harry and hoping it actually looked like a smile as opposed to a grimace. Then, just in case Harry could see through her, she added, “I have a bit of a headache.”
Sympathetically, Harry nodded. She supposed he must be more understanding when it came to headaches, purely due to the fact that he experienced the most intense pains courteous of Voldemort invading his mind. “Maybe you should lie down and take a break from reading,” he suggested.
“But there’s so much to do,” Hermione protested. “We need to make some progress.”
“I know,” Harry said with a sigh. “This is more difficult than I ever imagined it would be. So much time spent waiting around in the hope that we stumble across something.”
“It’s hard,” Hermione agreed. And then, because she felt that she should at least raise Harry’s spirits if she couldn’t raise her own, she added, “But we’ve gotten rid of a Horcrux now... that’s excellent progress. Even if it takes us another five years, it’ll all be worth it in the end if we can defeat Him. Right?”
Harry smiled, his green eyes flashing at Hermione. “Yes. It will.”
For half hour or so, they both sat in companionable silence, both pondering their thoughts. Hermione supposed that the difference between them was that whereas Harry was fixated on how best to locate the Horcruxes, she herself was constantly thinking about Bellatrix, and if there was any way that she could speak to her without endangering Harry’s, Ron’s or her own life. She didn’t know what there was to say to the other woman, but maybe if she could show her what she had discovered, Bellatrix would listen to her, would see that the only way forward was for them both to unite on the same side. The Good Side.
Because I will never give up what I believe in for her, Hermione vowed. I will suffer in pain for the rest of my life before I join Voldemort.
If Bellatrix felt the same way about joining Hermione in the war against Voldemort, then there was going to be a serious problem. But somehow, Hermione thought that the chance of Bellatrix coming over to the side she fought for was far stronger than the chance of herself becoming a Death Eater. For one, she was a Mudblood, forever despised by all of Voldemort’s supporters, and there was no way she would ever be accepted by them. On the other hand, Bellatrix’s loyalty to Voldemort appeared to be far more complex than Hermione had previously thought, to the extent where she didn’t really understand how he had such a hold over Bellatrix. Or any of the Death Eaters, really. They tortured and murdered for someone who would never truly value them. Bizarre.
Although risky, Hermione would have to speak to Bellatrix in person once more. She knew where she lived (even if she didn’t know the address, she knew what her home looked like, and hopefully that would be enough to Apparate there) and would just have to go there herself, alone, with Harry and Ron not aware. It was safer if they didn’t know of her plan, for they would only try to stop her or offer to come with her, and that simply would not do. This was something that for the moment had to remain only her secret, though eventually it would be one that she brought Bellatrix in on.
The best time to go would be at night, although one of them was always on duty. She could leave when it was her turn, but that would be foolish, and putting the boys in danger. What other option did she have though? She could lie to them about desperately needing supplies, argue that she would just make a quick trip to a Muggle supermarket for food. She had done it before, after all, and constantly eating mushrooms was irritating Ron especially, even if he didn’t complain after he had sheepishly returned to herself and Harry.
Of course, then there was the problem of actually getting food, but if all went well with Bellatrix then she could just go to the supermarket quickly straight after their meeting. It was either going to be ok with Bellatrix, or she was never going to see the boys again. There was not going to be any in-between; she somehow figured that Bellatrix would decide on something at the very least. Moreover, if this connection really did exist, then Bellatrix would be able to say if she too had been experiencing the same sort of feelings and dreams as Hermione.
There was, however, the ever so small problem of making sure she spoke to Bellatrix when she was alone. Hermione knew how to send her Patronus with a message, but what if Bellatrix was with Voldemort or other Death Eaters when she received it? That would make things all the more complicated. Although she could send a Patronus to Lemmy; couldn’t she? The reliable house-elf was almost certainly in the house, and if Hermione sent the message in the dead of night, and warned Lemmy only to pass on the message to Bellatrix when she was alone for her safety, then that would be ok? Right?
It was still risky, but then what other choice did Hermione have?
“I think tomorrow morning I should go and get us some proper food,” Hermione said, careful to keep her tone light.
“Huh?” Harry said, coming out of his thoughts. “Where from?”
“I thought I’d go to a Muggle supermarket,” Hermione said convincingly. “I’ll go somewhere busy and use the Invisibility Cloak... and I’ll grab as much as I can so that we can stock up for a while.”
Harry considered her words. “Well, maybe two of us should go... Ron could go with you, and that way you would be safer.”
Hermione shook her head. “No. Harry... if something were to happen to me, then it’s better to have two of you here to continue looking for Horcruxes.” She held up a hand to stop him protesting. “No, listen to me. It is far safer this way! Besides, I doubt very much that Death Eater’s are going to be hanging around waiting to take me from a supermarket.”
“But if they somehow manage to track you, it’s impossible to know what they can do for sure...” Harry began.
“I’ll be under the cloak,” Hermione reminded him. “Anything dodgy and I’m straight out of there. But to be honest, surrounded by Muggles I should be quite safe. I’ll blend in. I mean, there are millions of Muggles they could attack all over the country; what is the chance they’ll pick where I go? If I go to somewhere that isn’t too heavily populated like London it means I’m not so much of a target. I’ll be fine,” she said, reassuring him.
“Fine,” Harry said, defeated. “It’d be good to eat proper food again. No offence Hermione but mushroom dishes really aren’t your strong point.”
“Oh haha,” Hermione said, smiling. “Well, after we’ve stocked up you’ll have a nice break from them. Maybe you and Ronald could share the cooking between you for a few days.”
Harry rolled his eyes, and stood up to go and speak to Ron. “I’ll do it willingly, but I think Ron might have something to say about that.”
Hermione sighed. “Doesn’t he always?”
Watching Harry’s retreating back, Hermione congratulated herself on a job well done. She would send a Patronus when she was on duty that evening telling Lemmy to ask Bellatrix to be alone in her house at ten o’clock tomorrow morning. If Bellatrix planned on attacking her then that would give her enough time to formulate some sort of a plan, but it was the only thing that Hermione could think to do. If she used the Invisibility Cloak then she could hopefully take note of any danger, and should she spot any other Death Eaters then she would leave immediately.
Somehow though, she didn’t think that Bellatrix would betray her. Maybe she was absolutely crazy, but it was what she chose to believe.
Either way, in less than twenty-four hours, she would have her answer.
**
(( CLICK HERE for part 13 ))