12 Days of Christmas PMR style
So these are my 12 days of Christmas - much like that song, you know with the leaping Lords. But I don't recommend singing this one. It's wordier. Plus, in true PMR social style, it's slightly late. :D
12 This is the total of number of days the Christmas tree has been up, and now I want to take it down. It's messing up my style, and it's out of place. I despise having the tree up after Christmas Day because we're not going to use it again.
Mr. Minty loves the lights - he's part bower bird - but I hate that it's fucked my shit up. I'm trying to bear with it - and it's not like the one Christmas Day I took it down at 3pm having got jack of it already. Mr. Minty hated my guts for that - that was the Christmas I ruined Christmas by taking away his tree and the pretty lights.
I have begged him, and he says I can take it down tomorrow. That bitch is going to go down in no time flat, and my lounge will go back to normal, and my Christmas decoration will no doubt be a slight revelation to me next year because they haven't been around long enough to cement themselves into my consciousness over and above the Christmas tree I had as a child. It had a little tiny fake pine tree in an ornament from the 70s. I loved that thing.
Mr. Minty is really much happier when I have other things like work to steal my attention and I can use my pragmatism and lack of romance in another way that is away from him and more productive.
11 is the amount of avis I have ready already for the St. Eric contest, which starts submissions on New Years Day Louisiana time. One has Franklin Mott and two have Eric. You know you want to earn that avi and the lovely desktop at the end of the competition, so you know what to do. Please, I'd love to hear from those of you out there craving something different from the usual. Here are some prompts for those of you who can't figure what to write about:
· Eric Northman is Steve Urkel and not cool in any way, just yuck;
· Pam does more than talk about shoes, do what Eric tells her and call him Master - make her *shock* her own person;
· Bill fights Eric at the orgy and gets lucky like he said he would because Eric's trying to control his raging Sookie boner;
· Quinn fights Eric in the pits and wins, Felipe cashes in big time, Frannie lives in luxury without vamps threatening her on a daily basis in order to get Quinn to fight;
· Tell the story of Ginger's short sad life, and how much better it would have been if Eric dumped Sookie and pursued her instead - I mean, she already calls him Master and obeys him - you can convincingly HEA in a one shot, at least for Ginger - who wants the life writers try to force on Sookie;
· Emulate the books and have SOOKIE solve Eric's problems, rather than the lame Fanfic Sookie who can't do jack without asking Eric's permission.
10 is the amount of SVM books I have with the American cover. I could not get the first book with the USian cover for love nor money - not even by ordering the boxed set. I have the Australian version of ATD, which I dislike, and I gave away one version of DUD to my sister in law. One day I will be able to find the one with the USian cover and all will be well.
And before you ask - I am aware that there are 10 books in the series, but I also own A Touch of Dead with all the short stories and the American cover. So there. If you forgot that book, shame on you. You are officially less awesome than me.
9 books to kiss in. A little piece of trivia for you - one I noticed and have nowhere to proclaim it as useless thing. But, Eric has kissed Sookie in every single book except the first one. Here are the prompts for you, because some of them are hard to remember:
· LDID - At the massacre;
· CD - In bed;
· DTTW - In bed;
· DAAD - After Charles Twinings' murder, right at the end;
· DD - Queen's party barn;
· ATD - Outside Merlotte's before Rhodes;
· FDTW - After the Takeover;
· DAG - In bed;
· DITF - On the couch.
I think Bill declares his feelings for Sookie in every single book, but I cannot be arsed to check. Next Christmas.
8 words that should be used more often in fics, just because I like them:
· pornalicious (humorous only);
· recidivist;
· slimy;
· junk (referring to male genitalia - you can use it serious like and it'll still be funny to me);
· onomatopoeia (a name given to words that are sounds - moo, clomp - I just love that word, and have memorised The Tarantella);
· phenomenological (meaning the philosophy of phenomenon - as in the phenomenological happenstance of rape fic in the fanfic universe);
· chihuahua (I always hear Mr. Minty saying chi-wow-wow so it's so cute to me it's unbelievable);
· turlet or torlet (spelt this way, really for toilet but this is the way rurals pronounce such things).
Bear in mind I didn't say you would make good fic, but these are eight of my favourite words, and if I see like four of them, you're going to have me slavering like a dog. I use them in my speech and I love them to pieces.
7 things that will make me not review a story:
· Your porn hits me in the face when I open it, and the chapter consists only of porn. Eh. Someone else can write "That's hot" cause I can't be bothered, plus, I don't care that much for porn having seen way too much;
· Not being on Fanfic net - I read other places, but rarely if ever review there - I cannot spread myself so thin on the internets. If it's elsewhere, it better be the best damn story ever written;
· Making me feel like I have slipped into your personal fantasy about what would happen if you can find Askars house (and seem like you're actually thinking about looking), or if Eric was your boyfriend and what you imagine you do to him nightly;
· Calling Sookie names by multiple characters, making her lame and pathetic, making her treatment something I've journalled about (ie. years of rape, traumances or the vague hint you will go that way and after reading so many, I can see it coming a mile off) - basically Sookie bashing;
· Sookie vamping it up because you've discovered a brand new way to make Eric her lover but not her maker, completely avoiding the idea that Eric will ever need to get to know Sookie or acquire her for vampire use - she's her own user now and doesn't need Eric at all - so he'd be more likely to either give her orders or kill her for fear that she will kill him one day and usurp his position. Eric is not such a sap;
· Promises of "the talk" wherein Eric does little or no talking, and Sookie just believes him and spills her guts. Eric is not such a sap, and Sookie is not a chump. Plus, that's not "the talk" wherein Eric just reiterates he's right and he really loves her. That's a tell. Take Eric back to his genesis and make him explain why he was such a dick in books five through seven. Then I'll believe it's a talk;
· It reads like all the articles in Cosmo and Cleo magazines - one of the interchangeable young fashion victims women's magazines. I like my stories to be a little messy - no neat bows.
6 things that will make me feel like a review is possibly warranted on a story:
· It made me laugh - this is a big one;
· Sookie has a personality that I like - she should be somewhere middle of the road, but likeable;
· It is a unique story - in that it's not Sookie is a teacher if it's AH, it's not end of FDTW Sookie, Sookie is not a virgin waiting for the perfect man Eric to relieve her of her trouble;
· It is from the Southern Hemisphere;
· Some thought has been put into it - being the thinking kind of creature I am, a boring rehash of the same storyline will not interest me;
· It affected me in some way - even if it's heartbreak - but not if it's raging anger that you treated Sookie so shabbily.
5 Things I'm dreading about the return of True Blood:
· Complaints that it is surprise surprise a fantasy/horror story and not a romance - in that it will not entirely focus on Eric and Sookie, but perhaps consider the wider world where other people exist outside Eric and Sookie, and have their own storyline. Geez - even soap operas have those going on. Can we get some non-tunnelly vision for the crowd?
· No community love for the wonderful Jason/Crystal relationship - which has been going great guns - I like Crystal more than I like Sookie. Jason is manning up and giving Crystal more respect than Bill is giving Sookie, even if Jason is as dumb as a box of rocks, he gets a concept in his head on how to make things work, and actually tries something different before 200 years has gone by;
· No one has noticed yet - at least that I've seen - that Steven Moyer was doing a supreme bit of acting in the last ep. and seemed like he was a junkie, all nervous and trying to secure his share of fairy blood by trying to kill every other vamp in his kill radius. It's all "Bill is a sucky guy, plan of Queen, rape that I didn't actually see happen just draining" - while ignoring Steven Moyer's epic vamp junkie act in the last episode;
· Sookie being wrong about everything. She'll surely avoid Bill to do with his Queen's plan, leading to the Bill babes hating on her; and she'll surely avoid Eric because he chucked her in his sex/torture basement, leading to the Eric lovers hating on her. Also, he was just as concerned with the return of his fucking phone as he was with the Queen's plan - and he's known about it for months - Eric is no fucking hero either. I sorta hope Sookie breaks character and sets them both on fire - at least that would be a good break with her character, unlike the rather shit break with her character which is to stand still and scream for Bill to help her;
· People will bitch that it breaks with the books. But I'll see thrones, Eric with brown hair, short hair, being Askars, Sookie who is more helpless and flaily than ever before, and vamps like Godric in SVM fics. Pam will morph to be higher than Sookie and instead of a phone call, Bill will be more evil by plotting the Rattrays beating. And whatever new changes there are in the new season. All by people who can't stick to book canon themselves and profess to hate TB. And I will look back on this and say "Yep, you were right, it was coming." Dammit.
4 is the number of reviews a Uncle Bartlett/Jason molestation fic got - none of them from me, and one of them from the LU. If you're really concerned about the LU - and this is why I'm not - observe my screenshots.
Here is the first chapter in screenshot form - read it, see if you like it. Maybe you wanna host it on your blog or whatever because you believe in freedom of speech or something - not just when you do like a fic, but when you don't. Cause that's when rights really matter.
Here is the screenshot of the reviews - now bear in mind it did get four reviews, but I screenshotted the three it did get before it would inevitably be deleted. By the time I saw it got four, it was gone.
Don't try and tell me that the LU is trying to take away all the sex on Fanfic net - that was the only fic pulled in SVM as reported by the LU so far - you know how you tell - they don't do it by secret. They tell you they're reporting you. Whether you're deleted is up to Fanficnet and you. One other author pulled their stuff - no doubt because they knew it would be against ToS. If you were reported and the LU didn't leave you a review, then honey, you were reported by your readers and friends.
So next time someone kermitflails about reporting, I'm going to note their name down, and have them crusade for this author to write their dross.
And no, I didn't report it - I don't report, even crap like that.
3 types of stories I try not to read:
· Ones where Sookie is a porn star or a whore. They are always glamorous, and not realistic, so I already know it's not going to be either worth reading, or worth reviewing. Since I know lots of stuff about both, I know it is not glamorous. One of the slightly ish things about working in a brothel is putting a sheet down on the made bed so that you can just wash the sheet rather than the entire bedding in between clients. I've yet to read one where Sookie surreptitiously checks Eric for pubic lice and visible sores while giving him oral sex. Brothel workers also encourage the guys to have baths first - or hot tubs. Porn stars - well - they don't have sex with just one hot looking guy, do they? It's always Ron Jeremy with *that* face, and there's rarely any mention of camera men or it hurting - which legitimate stars complain of;
· Alcide fics. After DITF, I hate Alcide. I cannot review him fairly because I have quite a lot of resentment towards him. So I don't read them as a rule, unless I've accidentally clicked on them. I tried Miss Construed's Alcide fic, but I found by the second chapter that my innate hatred for Alcide made me unfairly biased;
· Bondage fics. Yes, I know, all the rage. But have you found out about another suitor that fits that controlling dominating every single moment of your life vibe? We call him Bill - he's got all the spare time you can want and gives two shits what Sookie's wearing and doing on a daily basis - that's not Eric. Real BDSM peoples - and I've known heaps - they vied for a story at number one - they have this thing where they go into consent. They sit down and have endless discussions and contracts and deals and safe words. It doesn't start with him forcing you to submit - it starts with a chat about boundaries - the sex comes much later. So you're either writing a rape fic or a BDSM fic, and I'm interested in neither. Without the chat, that is a rape fic, even if she's been drugged up to the eyeballs on blood or love to like it. With the chat, that's kinda cold - and I've always found BDSM cold.
2 things that fanfic stories traditionally end with as if it's a "happy ending" when I find it to be hollow and unhappy - Eric being King and Sookie turning. Also, they're both endings I don't see CH doing unless she disregards everything she's written already, because she's sure painted herself into one hell of a corner.
· Eric being King just means that they will break up when Sookie doesn't see him for six months. You think Eric is busy with Sheriff duties, wait until you see how busy he is as King. As if it would be a land of peace and prosperity - yeah, nothing bad even goes on in Eric's Area unrelated to Sookie - not say like witches trying to claim your property or the bartender you have that's intimating Dracula - so you know he's only going to see her on rare occasions like once a year unless she agrees to be his in house feed bag and their relationship is in name only;
· Sookie being turned is the other unhappy "happy ending" - what with her now stuck in such a world that produces such stellar greats as Appius, Mickey, Andre, Victor Madden, Lorena Ball and Peter Threadgill - they're the cream of the vampire crop. I know Bill is always bagged, but really, he's the errand boy for some of these people - they don't care what he wants - he does what he's told, just as Sookie will have to. If Eric proves too difficult, which he can't, since he has to take orders as well, threaten to kill Sookie until Eric has her do what she's told.
I think I'm going to like CH's version of the happy ending, which will not be so awfully unhappy as these supposed "happy" endings.
1 story Thyra begged me for, from my own life. She asked me how many people I've seen have sex, and well, this is one of the ones unrelated to my extremely traumatising swinger sister, and certainly one I can share with the internets at large. It is the "funniest" one I have. Thyra will laugh - she promised. :D
How PMR narrowly avoided a foursome
When I was 16, I lived in a house with my boyfriend and another couple. I'll use his initial - P. P was a bit of a possessive bastard, and our final break up came one night on the spur of the moment. A male friend of mine, S. had come over and wanted to take me driving up to the lower slips of Mt. Cootha to meet some friends. This was something we did quite often - we'd all meet up there, drink and party, and look at the city lights. P didn't like that idea, sure that I would sleep with S, despite having no attraction to S and telling P so. Finally, P. got jack of the idea that I had a right to do as I pleased, asked me to come into the bedroom and locked the door behind me, ready to haul into me and give me a rather menacing lecture, while grabbing my arms. Now, this could have turned very, very bad for me, and I had seen signs of this before. So, when S. asked through the door if I was coming, I yelled at the top of my lungs that P had locked me in the room and wouldn't let me out. Thank goodness pride and shame got the best of P, and with a giant scowl, he opened the door to tell S I was staying home, I ducked under his arm and that was our break-up.
But, I'd ditched all my stuff at the house for this impromptu break up. Luckily, I hadn't taken much there, and I didn't want anything I'd bought while I was with P, so the only thing I really wanted was the books I'd brought with me. So I went back to the house to get them when I knew others would be there - namely the other couple.
What a mistake that turned out to be.
I got to talking to the other couple, and P wasn't home. The talking went on a while and I worried I'd miss the last train home. The male of the couple promised he'd give me a lift - so no worries. P already had another girl lined up as a possible casual fuck, and she was living in his room. So I figured possessive P was ready to move on, I was in company, would not go into any closed up rooms and all was safe. The couple in question then asked if I wanted to come and watch a movie with them. So being that I was relatively friendly with them, I agreed - after all, what else did I have to do?
Little did I know the movie was called "Finger Fucking Females 4".
You know, if they'd asked me, I would have totally said no. That's not quite what I had in mind when they wanted to know if I wanted to watch a movie in their bedroom. After all, there was no television in the lounge room, so it's not as if I should have thought that this would be the sort of movie.
The couple started kissing on the bed, and the casual fuck chick was masturbating beside me on a bean bag, and the door was closed and behind masturbating casual fuck chick, and I had no way to get home other than the lift I'd been offered. I didn't know what to do - walk out and pray I had the energy to make it the 12km walk home through the bad neighbourhood with pimps waiting for a young girl to walk through; or try to tough it out in that room. Sad to say, but I'd been in tougher situations than that, even by that age, and I'd gotten through them with the minimal amount of damage. So I toughed it out in that room.
By this time, masturbating casual fuck chick was exhorting me to watch the video and think about how great it would be to join the couple fucking on the bed. I didn't know where to look, and being the terminally nice person I usually am, I didn't stand up and demand jack shit or storm out. They'd also kindly invited me to get up there and do something with the lot of them. Could I really look at the screen in hopes to convince them I was a porn addict?
Yes, dear readers, that's exactly what I did. I looked at that screen like my life depended on it. :D I watched "Finger Fucking Females 4" like it was on fire, and I had to watch it for fear that it would spread. I tried not to listen to the orgasming people beside/behind me - which seemed to consist of the guy having a lot of action, and the girls having little to do with each other. In other words, I had the opportunity to be one of three girls he screwed that day, rather than any genuine foursome...except I could have his former partners looking at me while he did it.
I didn't dare look at them directly, because they might go from moaning to asking me to join them - and I'm slippery but only so far and so many ways you can delay until they orgasm. I watched "Finger Fucking Females 4" for the whole 90 minutes, with each new lesbian finger fucking scene being exactly the same (being that it was a compilation rather than a movie) except the faces kept changing. But I acted as if this was all incredibly fascinating for me, so that I could really learn what to do when I got to actually perform such acts. I remember the tape running out, and just sitting there waiting for them to finish so I could leave without anyone noticing that I wasn't joining the party. Once they all came, I was home free. Luckily, I had seen much porn by this age, so "Finger Fucking Females 4" was no great revelation - one could consider it almost tame thanks to what I had already seen.
Finally....finally...they all got off, and lay sated in bed, and I could lament that I totally missed out, reassuring them that all was well. The guy figured if he was nice enough and gave me a lift, I might even come back and join them next time. So I got my books and fresh night air never tasted so good. I never went back to that house, the place of some major bad, ever - ever - again. :D And that's how I narrowly avoided being dragooned into a foursome - by being an unwilling witness to a threesome. :D
If you sang this, you'll learn to listen to me. Plus, I hope someone heard you recounting that foursome story and now thinks you're a fucked up perv. Merry Christmas! :D
12 This is the total of number of days the Christmas tree has been up, and now I want to take it down. It's messing up my style, and it's out of place. I despise having the tree up after Christmas Day because we're not going to use it again.
Mr. Minty loves the lights - he's part bower bird - but I hate that it's fucked my shit up. I'm trying to bear with it - and it's not like the one Christmas Day I took it down at 3pm having got jack of it already. Mr. Minty hated my guts for that - that was the Christmas I ruined Christmas by taking away his tree and the pretty lights.
I have begged him, and he says I can take it down tomorrow. That bitch is going to go down in no time flat, and my lounge will go back to normal, and my Christmas decoration will no doubt be a slight revelation to me next year because they haven't been around long enough to cement themselves into my consciousness over and above the Christmas tree I had as a child. It had a little tiny fake pine tree in an ornament from the 70s. I loved that thing.
Mr. Minty is really much happier when I have other things like work to steal my attention and I can use my pragmatism and lack of romance in another way that is away from him and more productive.
11 is the amount of avis I have ready already for the St. Eric contest, which starts submissions on New Years Day Louisiana time. One has Franklin Mott and two have Eric. You know you want to earn that avi and the lovely desktop at the end of the competition, so you know what to do. Please, I'd love to hear from those of you out there craving something different from the usual. Here are some prompts for those of you who can't figure what to write about:
· Eric Northman is Steve Urkel and not cool in any way, just yuck;
· Pam does more than talk about shoes, do what Eric tells her and call him Master - make her *shock* her own person;
· Bill fights Eric at the orgy and gets lucky like he said he would because Eric's trying to control his raging Sookie boner;
· Quinn fights Eric in the pits and wins, Felipe cashes in big time, Frannie lives in luxury without vamps threatening her on a daily basis in order to get Quinn to fight;
· Tell the story of Ginger's short sad life, and how much better it would have been if Eric dumped Sookie and pursued her instead - I mean, she already calls him Master and obeys him - you can convincingly HEA in a one shot, at least for Ginger - who wants the life writers try to force on Sookie;
· Emulate the books and have SOOKIE solve Eric's problems, rather than the lame Fanfic Sookie who can't do jack without asking Eric's permission.
10 is the amount of SVM books I have with the American cover. I could not get the first book with the USian cover for love nor money - not even by ordering the boxed set. I have the Australian version of ATD, which I dislike, and I gave away one version of DUD to my sister in law. One day I will be able to find the one with the USian cover and all will be well.
And before you ask - I am aware that there are 10 books in the series, but I also own A Touch of Dead with all the short stories and the American cover. So there. If you forgot that book, shame on you. You are officially less awesome than me.
9 books to kiss in. A little piece of trivia for you - one I noticed and have nowhere to proclaim it as useless thing. But, Eric has kissed Sookie in every single book except the first one. Here are the prompts for you, because some of them are hard to remember:
· LDID - At the massacre;
· CD - In bed;
· DTTW - In bed;
· DAAD - After Charles Twinings' murder, right at the end;
· DD - Queen's party barn;
· ATD - Outside Merlotte's before Rhodes;
· FDTW - After the Takeover;
· DAG - In bed;
· DITF - On the couch.
I think Bill declares his feelings for Sookie in every single book, but I cannot be arsed to check. Next Christmas.
8 words that should be used more often in fics, just because I like them:
· pornalicious (humorous only);
· recidivist;
· slimy;
· junk (referring to male genitalia - you can use it serious like and it'll still be funny to me);
· onomatopoeia (a name given to words that are sounds - moo, clomp - I just love that word, and have memorised The Tarantella);
· phenomenological (meaning the philosophy of phenomenon - as in the phenomenological happenstance of rape fic in the fanfic universe);
· chihuahua (I always hear Mr. Minty saying chi-wow-wow so it's so cute to me it's unbelievable);
· turlet or torlet (spelt this way, really for toilet but this is the way rurals pronounce such things).
Bear in mind I didn't say you would make good fic, but these are eight of my favourite words, and if I see like four of them, you're going to have me slavering like a dog. I use them in my speech and I love them to pieces.
7 things that will make me not review a story:
· Your porn hits me in the face when I open it, and the chapter consists only of porn. Eh. Someone else can write "That's hot" cause I can't be bothered, plus, I don't care that much for porn having seen way too much;
· Not being on Fanfic net - I read other places, but rarely if ever review there - I cannot spread myself so thin on the internets. If it's elsewhere, it better be the best damn story ever written;
· Making me feel like I have slipped into your personal fantasy about what would happen if you can find Askars house (and seem like you're actually thinking about looking), or if Eric was your boyfriend and what you imagine you do to him nightly;
· Calling Sookie names by multiple characters, making her lame and pathetic, making her treatment something I've journalled about (ie. years of rape, traumances or the vague hint you will go that way and after reading so many, I can see it coming a mile off) - basically Sookie bashing;
· Sookie vamping it up because you've discovered a brand new way to make Eric her lover but not her maker, completely avoiding the idea that Eric will ever need to get to know Sookie or acquire her for vampire use - she's her own user now and doesn't need Eric at all - so he'd be more likely to either give her orders or kill her for fear that she will kill him one day and usurp his position. Eric is not such a sap;
· Promises of "the talk" wherein Eric does little or no talking, and Sookie just believes him and spills her guts. Eric is not such a sap, and Sookie is not a chump. Plus, that's not "the talk" wherein Eric just reiterates he's right and he really loves her. That's a tell. Take Eric back to his genesis and make him explain why he was such a dick in books five through seven. Then I'll believe it's a talk;
· It reads like all the articles in Cosmo and Cleo magazines - one of the interchangeable young fashion victims women's magazines. I like my stories to be a little messy - no neat bows.
6 things that will make me feel like a review is possibly warranted on a story:
· It made me laugh - this is a big one;
· Sookie has a personality that I like - she should be somewhere middle of the road, but likeable;
· It is a unique story - in that it's not Sookie is a teacher if it's AH, it's not end of FDTW Sookie, Sookie is not a virgin waiting for the perfect man Eric to relieve her of her trouble;
· It is from the Southern Hemisphere;
· Some thought has been put into it - being the thinking kind of creature I am, a boring rehash of the same storyline will not interest me;
· It affected me in some way - even if it's heartbreak - but not if it's raging anger that you treated Sookie so shabbily.
5 Things I'm dreading about the return of True Blood:
· Complaints that it is surprise surprise a fantasy/horror story and not a romance - in that it will not entirely focus on Eric and Sookie, but perhaps consider the wider world where other people exist outside Eric and Sookie, and have their own storyline. Geez - even soap operas have those going on. Can we get some non-tunnelly vision for the crowd?
· No community love for the wonderful Jason/Crystal relationship - which has been going great guns - I like Crystal more than I like Sookie. Jason is manning up and giving Crystal more respect than Bill is giving Sookie, even if Jason is as dumb as a box of rocks, he gets a concept in his head on how to make things work, and actually tries something different before 200 years has gone by;
· No one has noticed yet - at least that I've seen - that Steven Moyer was doing a supreme bit of acting in the last ep. and seemed like he was a junkie, all nervous and trying to secure his share of fairy blood by trying to kill every other vamp in his kill radius. It's all "Bill is a sucky guy, plan of Queen, rape that I didn't actually see happen just draining" - while ignoring Steven Moyer's epic vamp junkie act in the last episode;
· Sookie being wrong about everything. She'll surely avoid Bill to do with his Queen's plan, leading to the Bill babes hating on her; and she'll surely avoid Eric because he chucked her in his sex/torture basement, leading to the Eric lovers hating on her. Also, he was just as concerned with the return of his fucking phone as he was with the Queen's plan - and he's known about it for months - Eric is no fucking hero either. I sorta hope Sookie breaks character and sets them both on fire - at least that would be a good break with her character, unlike the rather shit break with her character which is to stand still and scream for Bill to help her;
· People will bitch that it breaks with the books. But I'll see thrones, Eric with brown hair, short hair, being Askars, Sookie who is more helpless and flaily than ever before, and vamps like Godric in SVM fics. Pam will morph to be higher than Sookie and instead of a phone call, Bill will be more evil by plotting the Rattrays beating. And whatever new changes there are in the new season. All by people who can't stick to book canon themselves and profess to hate TB. And I will look back on this and say "Yep, you were right, it was coming." Dammit.
4 is the number of reviews a Uncle Bartlett/Jason molestation fic got - none of them from me, and one of them from the LU. If you're really concerned about the LU - and this is why I'm not - observe my screenshots.
Here is the first chapter in screenshot form - read it, see if you like it. Maybe you wanna host it on your blog or whatever because you believe in freedom of speech or something - not just when you do like a fic, but when you don't. Cause that's when rights really matter.
Here is the screenshot of the reviews - now bear in mind it did get four reviews, but I screenshotted the three it did get before it would inevitably be deleted. By the time I saw it got four, it was gone.
Don't try and tell me that the LU is trying to take away all the sex on Fanfic net - that was the only fic pulled in SVM as reported by the LU so far - you know how you tell - they don't do it by secret. They tell you they're reporting you. Whether you're deleted is up to Fanficnet and you. One other author pulled their stuff - no doubt because they knew it would be against ToS. If you were reported and the LU didn't leave you a review, then honey, you were reported by your readers and friends.
So next time someone kermitflails about reporting, I'm going to note their name down, and have them crusade for this author to write their dross.
And no, I didn't report it - I don't report, even crap like that.
3 types of stories I try not to read:
· Ones where Sookie is a porn star or a whore. They are always glamorous, and not realistic, so I already know it's not going to be either worth reading, or worth reviewing. Since I know lots of stuff about both, I know it is not glamorous. One of the slightly ish things about working in a brothel is putting a sheet down on the made bed so that you can just wash the sheet rather than the entire bedding in between clients. I've yet to read one where Sookie surreptitiously checks Eric for pubic lice and visible sores while giving him oral sex. Brothel workers also encourage the guys to have baths first - or hot tubs. Porn stars - well - they don't have sex with just one hot looking guy, do they? It's always Ron Jeremy with *that* face, and there's rarely any mention of camera men or it hurting - which legitimate stars complain of;
· Alcide fics. After DITF, I hate Alcide. I cannot review him fairly because I have quite a lot of resentment towards him. So I don't read them as a rule, unless I've accidentally clicked on them. I tried Miss Construed's Alcide fic, but I found by the second chapter that my innate hatred for Alcide made me unfairly biased;
· Bondage fics. Yes, I know, all the rage. But have you found out about another suitor that fits that controlling dominating every single moment of your life vibe? We call him Bill - he's got all the spare time you can want and gives two shits what Sookie's wearing and doing on a daily basis - that's not Eric. Real BDSM peoples - and I've known heaps - they vied for a story at number one - they have this thing where they go into consent. They sit down and have endless discussions and contracts and deals and safe words. It doesn't start with him forcing you to submit - it starts with a chat about boundaries - the sex comes much later. So you're either writing a rape fic or a BDSM fic, and I'm interested in neither. Without the chat, that is a rape fic, even if she's been drugged up to the eyeballs on blood or love to like it. With the chat, that's kinda cold - and I've always found BDSM cold.
2 things that fanfic stories traditionally end with as if it's a "happy ending" when I find it to be hollow and unhappy - Eric being King and Sookie turning. Also, they're both endings I don't see CH doing unless she disregards everything she's written already, because she's sure painted herself into one hell of a corner.
· Eric being King just means that they will break up when Sookie doesn't see him for six months. You think Eric is busy with Sheriff duties, wait until you see how busy he is as King. As if it would be a land of peace and prosperity - yeah, nothing bad even goes on in Eric's Area unrelated to Sookie - not say like witches trying to claim your property or the bartender you have that's intimating Dracula - so you know he's only going to see her on rare occasions like once a year unless she agrees to be his in house feed bag and their relationship is in name only;
· Sookie being turned is the other unhappy "happy ending" - what with her now stuck in such a world that produces such stellar greats as Appius, Mickey, Andre, Victor Madden, Lorena Ball and Peter Threadgill - they're the cream of the vampire crop. I know Bill is always bagged, but really, he's the errand boy for some of these people - they don't care what he wants - he does what he's told, just as Sookie will have to. If Eric proves too difficult, which he can't, since he has to take orders as well, threaten to kill Sookie until Eric has her do what she's told.
I think I'm going to like CH's version of the happy ending, which will not be so awfully unhappy as these supposed "happy" endings.
1 story Thyra begged me for, from my own life. She asked me how many people I've seen have sex, and well, this is one of the ones unrelated to my extremely traumatising swinger sister, and certainly one I can share with the internets at large. It is the "funniest" one I have. Thyra will laugh - she promised. :D
How PMR narrowly avoided a foursome
When I was 16, I lived in a house with my boyfriend and another couple. I'll use his initial - P. P was a bit of a possessive bastard, and our final break up came one night on the spur of the moment. A male friend of mine, S. had come over and wanted to take me driving up to the lower slips of Mt. Cootha to meet some friends. This was something we did quite often - we'd all meet up there, drink and party, and look at the city lights. P didn't like that idea, sure that I would sleep with S, despite having no attraction to S and telling P so. Finally, P. got jack of the idea that I had a right to do as I pleased, asked me to come into the bedroom and locked the door behind me, ready to haul into me and give me a rather menacing lecture, while grabbing my arms. Now, this could have turned very, very bad for me, and I had seen signs of this before. So, when S. asked through the door if I was coming, I yelled at the top of my lungs that P had locked me in the room and wouldn't let me out. Thank goodness pride and shame got the best of P, and with a giant scowl, he opened the door to tell S I was staying home, I ducked under his arm and that was our break-up.
But, I'd ditched all my stuff at the house for this impromptu break up. Luckily, I hadn't taken much there, and I didn't want anything I'd bought while I was with P, so the only thing I really wanted was the books I'd brought with me. So I went back to the house to get them when I knew others would be there - namely the other couple.
What a mistake that turned out to be.
I got to talking to the other couple, and P wasn't home. The talking went on a while and I worried I'd miss the last train home. The male of the couple promised he'd give me a lift - so no worries. P already had another girl lined up as a possible casual fuck, and she was living in his room. So I figured possessive P was ready to move on, I was in company, would not go into any closed up rooms and all was safe. The couple in question then asked if I wanted to come and watch a movie with them. So being that I was relatively friendly with them, I agreed - after all, what else did I have to do?
Little did I know the movie was called "Finger Fucking Females 4".
You know, if they'd asked me, I would have totally said no. That's not quite what I had in mind when they wanted to know if I wanted to watch a movie in their bedroom. After all, there was no television in the lounge room, so it's not as if I should have thought that this would be the sort of movie.
The couple started kissing on the bed, and the casual fuck chick was masturbating beside me on a bean bag, and the door was closed and behind masturbating casual fuck chick, and I had no way to get home other than the lift I'd been offered. I didn't know what to do - walk out and pray I had the energy to make it the 12km walk home through the bad neighbourhood with pimps waiting for a young girl to walk through; or try to tough it out in that room. Sad to say, but I'd been in tougher situations than that, even by that age, and I'd gotten through them with the minimal amount of damage. So I toughed it out in that room.
By this time, masturbating casual fuck chick was exhorting me to watch the video and think about how great it would be to join the couple fucking on the bed. I didn't know where to look, and being the terminally nice person I usually am, I didn't stand up and demand jack shit or storm out. They'd also kindly invited me to get up there and do something with the lot of them. Could I really look at the screen in hopes to convince them I was a porn addict?
Yes, dear readers, that's exactly what I did. I looked at that screen like my life depended on it. :D I watched "Finger Fucking Females 4" like it was on fire, and I had to watch it for fear that it would spread. I tried not to listen to the orgasming people beside/behind me - which seemed to consist of the guy having a lot of action, and the girls having little to do with each other. In other words, I had the opportunity to be one of three girls he screwed that day, rather than any genuine foursome...except I could have his former partners looking at me while he did it.
I didn't dare look at them directly, because they might go from moaning to asking me to join them - and I'm slippery but only so far and so many ways you can delay until they orgasm. I watched "Finger Fucking Females 4" for the whole 90 minutes, with each new lesbian finger fucking scene being exactly the same (being that it was a compilation rather than a movie) except the faces kept changing. But I acted as if this was all incredibly fascinating for me, so that I could really learn what to do when I got to actually perform such acts. I remember the tape running out, and just sitting there waiting for them to finish so I could leave without anyone noticing that I wasn't joining the party. Once they all came, I was home free. Luckily, I had seen much porn by this age, so "Finger Fucking Females 4" was no great revelation - one could consider it almost tame thanks to what I had already seen.
Finally....finally...they all got off, and lay sated in bed, and I could lament that I totally missed out, reassuring them that all was well. The guy figured if he was nice enough and gave me a lift, I might even come back and join them next time. So I got my books and fresh night air never tasted so good. I never went back to that house, the place of some major bad, ever - ever - again. :D And that's how I narrowly avoided being dragooned into a foursome - by being an unwilling witness to a threesome. :D
If you sang this, you'll learn to listen to me. Plus, I hope someone heard you recounting that foursome story and now thinks you're a fucked up perv. Merry Christmas! :D