Fic: To Dance On The Floor In The Round (PG, gen, highly indulgent)
Title: To Dance On The Floor In The Round
Author: Pepper
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Rating: PG for some swearing.
Wordcount: 8910
Featured Character(s): Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c
Pairing(s)/Genre: None. Gen - or Bob, depending on your interpretation of Bob.
Summary: "This may be problematic."
Warnings: Babyfic. Yeah, sorry about that. Oh, wait, this is Indulgence Day fic - I'm not sorry at all.
A/N: For dayofindulgence. Many, many thanks to crazedturkey and annerbhp for their emergency beta duties and super-speedy turnaround - and for kicking out all those damned commas and adverbs. *cries, wails, clings to adverbs and that one Oxford comma*
And of course - happy birthday, surreallis!
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle -
Why not I with thine?
---
It had been a good evening, was Jack's first thought upon waking. The stars had been bright, his team had been snarky, and he'd laughed so hard his ribs still ached a little. The hollow they'd found, near the top of a hill, a scoop of ground beneath an ancient tree, had been perfectly formed for camping, and the night had been warm enough that the fire had been a comfortable gathering place and not a necessity. The air had smelled of late summer and the ground had been soft and springy with accumulated generations of dead leaves.
It had been a good evening.
Acknowledging that he was awake, he opened his eyes and yawned, rubbing his hands across his face. The other two occupants of the tent - Daniel and Sam - were still out, and he slithered stealthily out of his sleeping bag and grabbed his boots, shaking them out before slipping them on, unlaced. Then he stood, ducked out of the tent, and-
-nearly tripped over the basket at his feet.
Jack caught himself just in time. But the curse died on his lips as he stared down in disbelief. He looked around wildly. "Teal'c!" he called, sharply. There was a rustle and Teal'c appeared above him, standing on the rise beside the tree.
"O'Neill?"
There was a mumbling from the tent behind him as Jack carefully skirted the basket. "Teal'c, what the hell is this doing here?"
Teal'c made his way swiftly down from the rise. "What is - oh." He, too, stopped and stared.
Jack scowled, feeling his good mood dissipate rapidly. "I thought you were on watch!"
"I was," insisted Teal'c, frowning. "No one approached our camp - that I would swear."
"Oh, what, it just materialized by itself, then?"
"Sir, what's - oh my god!"
"Morning, Carter," said Jack. Sam, too, skirted the basket as though it might explode, and came to stand beside them. She lowered the zat, and if he'd been in the mood, he'd have been pleased with how quickly she'd been ready to handle anything.
Well, almost anything.
"Where did that come from?" she demanded.
"That's pretty much the question of the moment."
"What's going on?" Daniel stuck his head out of the tent, and followed their gazes down to the basket in front of him. "What the hell-?" The basket's contents gurgled contentedly. "Jack... it's a baby."
"It's no wonder they pay you the big bucks," muttered Jack. Daniel edged out of the tent, also avoiding touching the basket. "I can see it's a baby, Daniel. What I want to know is, whose baby is it, why did they leave it here, and when are they coming back to collect it?"
"No one entered our camp while I was on guard," reiterated Teal'c.
"Well it wasn't here when I went to bed!" said Sam.
Teal'c glared at her. "I did not say that it was," he said.
"Look, I don't care," said Jack. "For all we know, they have transporter beams or something. I just want to find the parents and hand it back, okay?"
Teal'c subsided, his wounded pride mollified by the idea of transporter beams. "Agreed."
"Oh, definitely," said Daniel.
"The sooner the better," added Sam.
"Good. Glad that's sorted." Jack ran a hand through his hair, and stared at the baby in the basket. He shook his head. "I need a drink."
"I'll start the coffee," offered Daniel, quickly heading for the remains of the fire.
"Or that," agreed Jack.
---
The usual silence of their morning routine was punctured by the happy gurgles and chirps of the baby. "It's trying to eat its own feet," reported Daniel, curiosity overcoming his fear. Jack grunted, trying not to think about when he'd last been that flexible. Daniel sniffed. "Uh, I think we might have a problem..." he said, in that tone of voice that Jack had come to associate with impending apocalypse.
"Oh, no. No. Daniel, I don't wanna hear it."
But Daniel was already gingerly peeling back blankets. "Oh, god." He took a step back. "Yes. She definitely needs changing."
"No. No, no, no, no, no. We're just babysitting it. Her. Briefly. Her parents-"
"Are nowhere to be seen, Jack," insisted Daniel. "We don't know when - or even if - anyone will come back for her. We can't just leave her like that!"
SG-1 exchanged looks. Jack stiffened his back. They were adults. They were military (mostly). They were a goddamn frontline team, sent to alien worlds where they could, and did, deal with anything. Hell, they'd saved the world on numerous occasions. They could do this. "Okay. We can do this." It didn't sound convincing. "Carter!" She gave him a look and he rethought his original order. "Warm water. Teal'c, find a cloth that we can use as a diaper. Daniel..." Jack waved in the general direction of the basket.
"Oh, no," said Daniel.
"You noticed it!"
"I smelt it, I should deal with it?" retorted Daniel. "No way, Jack! Anyway, I don't know what to do."
Jack glared at him, but this time, Daniel wasn't backing down. Jack turned to Teal'c. "Okay, you must've done this before."
"On Chulak, such matters are for the women," said Teal'c. Sam transferred her glare to him. "Not that I would suggest Major Carter should deal with it," he added. "But I have never changed a baby, O'Neill."
Jack closed his eyes.
Well, crap.
---
After a second, more successful, attempt, and some thorough scrubbing, Jack sat with the rest of his team around the rekindled fire, with the baby girl wrapped in her only clean blanket, half a T-shirt, and some medical tape and tucked in the crook of his arm. He felt they'd gotten much better acquainted in the last half-hour, and he could now say that she was a few months' old - just enough to be smiling and making the odd noise, but not enough to be trying to make her escape while she was bathed and redressed. She seemed healthy enough, bright-eyed and far from undernourished: she had a fat little tummy, which, for the sake of his dignity, he'd resisted the temptation to blow raspberries on. Her combination of dark skin - a few shades lighter than Teal'c - and blue eyes had suggested one possible reason for the parental abandonment. Prejudice about skin color was not solely an Earthling thing. But then neither, it seemed, was love across the boundaries.
Jack looked around at his collapsed teammates, and then down at the baby, who was staring fixedly at his face. "Between you and me, I'm beginning to think it's a miracle the Earth is still in one piece," he told her. He waggled his fingers to catch her attention, and she made a grab for his little finger, sticking it in her mouth and sucking enthusiastically. "You're not gonna get any joy there, kiddo." He looked up. "Have we got any powdered milk?"
Sam lifted her head and squinted at him. "You're going to feed her? But... she's tiny. It's going to come straight out the other end!"
Jack jiggled the baby as she gummed his finger. "Well, I would say that it's pretty much a toss-up between changing her again and dealing with her when she gets hungry and irritable - except that it's your turn to change her next time. So yes, Major, we are feeding her."
Sam gave him a long, considering look and decided that subordination was the better part of valor. "Yes, sir," she muttered. "There's some in the emergency kit." She rolled to her feet and went to find it.
"We need to find her parents," said Daniel, straightening up. "Or a relative. Or someone who'll take her."
"Agreed. The village is, what, four klicks from here?"
"Approximately," agreed Teal'c, the only one not in a state of collapse due to some sneaky maneuvering and a quiet remark about too many zal'paks spoiling the nis'zpm. Jack narrowed his eyes.
"Good. Teal'c, you're on feeding duty." Teal'c opened his mouth, no doubt to give a perfectly reasonable reason why he shouldn't feed the baby. "I don't wanna hear it. Everyone else, start packing up."
---
It took them, by Sam's calculation, something like three times as long as normal to hike the four klicks to the village that the UAV had found. By the time they'd reached there, all five of them were tired and irritable - mostly because one of them was having a poor reaction to powdered milk mixed with water and offered through a section of tarp with a hole poked through it.
"Okay, we may have a problem," muttered the Colonel, as they strolled through the village, to the usual stares and muttering. And if his theory about an interracial, intergalactic Romeo and Juliet was correct, then they did have a problem: if there were people of color on the planet, they certainly weren't to be found in this village. Skin tone came in varying shades of white, and hair ranged from blonde to light brown.
"Nordic," said Daniel. "Possibly Viking."
"Asgard?" murmured Sam.
"Could be. The structure of the-"
"Hail and good meeting, strangers! My name is Storvald. Welcome!"
"Yeah, hi," said the Colonel, as a man - village elder, councilman, official of some kind - hurried towards them from one of the single-storey buildings. "Hail, and all that. Daniel?"
Daniel stepped forwards. "Hail and good meeting. Uh, my name is Daniel Jackson, these are my friends. And..." he waved at the basket in Sam's hands. "Yeah. Uh, we came through the Stargate - you might know it as the Chappa'ai? Or the Annulus?" There was an awed murmuring, "-yesterday. We're here to - to offer our friendship."
But Storvald's gaze had finally fallen on the baby. "Oh, you have stopped beside Hoenir's Tree!" Storvald stepped forward, hands clasped, and gazed down at the frowning baby. "Oh, a most beautiful blessed one! Laudations! Laudations to you both!" He stepped forward, offering his hands to Teal'c and Sam.
Sam began to get the unpleasant feeling that the ground was shifting beneath her feet. "Uh, no. She's not ours. We woke up in the morning, and she was just... there." The man's face beamed at her. "We need to find her parents."
"Listen, someone sneaked into our camp last night and left this kid there," said the Colonel. "I nearly fell over her when I woke up this morning."
Storvald turned quickly. "You stopped by Hoenir's Tree, also?" He sounded startled.
"Ye-eeees." Behind his sunglasses, Sam was pretty sure the Colonel was wearing a Look. "If by that you mean an old tree on top of a hill back thataway."
"Uh, yes. We all stayed there," said Daniel. Storvald turned to stare him, and then round at them all, and back at the baby. Around them, the gathering crowd muttered. Sam drew in a slow, calming breath, and sent up a silent prayer that the conclusion she was rapidly running towards was erroneous.
"All four of you? This is most unprecedented," said Storvald, a little blankly.
"What about Triton, Meram, and Hubart?" said a woman.
"That was different. The child was Triton and Hubart's," said Storvald. He turned back to the crowd, and began to launch into a spirited debate. Daniel moved towards the knot of people, listening intently, while the remainder of SG-1 looked at one another.
"You don't suppose they mean..." began Sam.
"Ridiculous," said Jack.
"The Asgard do possess cloning technology," said Teal'c.
"Yeah, but these aren't the Asgard," objected Jack.
"They might be a protected planet, though. They seemed to recognize the name Annulus," said Sam.
As one, they all looked down at the baby, who gazed up at them, frowning irritably. Sam couldn't help but think there was a distinct resemblance to the Colonel when he was seriously annoyed. "If anyone says she's got my eyes, I won't be answerable," she said.
The crowd began to move towards a building, Daniel following. "Daniel!" yelled the Colonel. "Find out what's going on! Report back!" Daniel waved a hand in acknowledgement, not looking back. "And see if you can get some milk!"
"I have milk, strangers," said a quiet voice behind them. A woman stood in a doorway, the toddler at her hip sucking his thumb and staring at them with wide eyes. "The goat was milked but an hour since."
"Um, yes, please. We'd be very grateful if you could spare some," said Sam. "Thank you." Before the woman disappeared, she added, "And if you have a bottle, or something... We can trade for it."
"No cost, no cost," said the woman, waving her free hand. "Come in. Bring the blessed one."
Ugh.
---
Some time later, Daniel came to find them in the village square. They'd attracted an audience as they tried to feed the tired and cross baby and she'd been passed around to several willing helpers. Tempting though it was to let people wander away with her, the Colonel had decreed that she wasn't to be let out of their sight until they knew what was going on.
"Hi," said Daniel, sounding tense. "You've met Storvald." He waved at the man who had followed him out, beaming smile back in place. "He, uh..." He turned to the man. "His people believe that..."
"Strangers!" said Storvald, flinging his arms wide, apparently unable to contain his delight. "Hoenir has truly blessed you!"
"Daniel..." growled Jack. Daniel held up his hands, helplessly.
"Let me tell you," said Storvald, dropping his voice to a storytelling cadence, "of the Stork King."
Sam closed her eyes, hearing a buzzing noise in her ears. This was not happening, this was not happening, this was not happening...
---
When the wormhole disgorged them onto the ramp, the baby gave a startled squeal, ending in a suspiciously wet burp. Jack winced, automatically patting her back as she settled against his shoulder, satisfied that she'd made her feelings about Gate travel known. "Please tell me she hasn't just-"
"Oh, she has," confirmed Daniel.
"There's no way she's got my genes," muttered Jack. Well, he'd been pretty sure he'd have to burn this jacket, anyhow.
"I don't know. She seems to find gas pretty funny," remarked Sam. Jack shot her a glare over his baby-free shoulder - but either his current accessory rendered him harmless, or Sam was still too shellshocked to care, because she just strolled past him and handed her gun to a startled airman. "I would kill for a shower," she announced. "Where's Janet so we can get this over with?"
"SG-1, report to the infirmary," said General Hammond, over the PA. Jack looked up and gave a wave of acknowledgement, and a quiet sigh. This was going to be all kinds of fun.
In the infirmary, Jack quickly became aware of a dozen curious eyes on him. The moment they'd entered, Janet - and everyone else - had instantly focused on the baby on Jack's shoulder. "Colonel, what's this all about? Your message was a little brief."
"Mm-hm," said Jack. "Look, can we talk about this in private?" He looked up as General Hammond followed them into the room. Fabulous. Jack glanced discreetly at his team. Daniel and Teal'c nodded, and Sam gave a fatalistic shrug. The General would have to know sometime. "Private including you, sir."
"Of course." Janet ushered them all into her office, and Jack pushed aside some papers and laid the baby down, blankets and all, on the desk. "So...?"
"They checked her out at the Alpha Site," began Jack. "No bombs, no viruses - no teeth. She doesn't seem to be a Goa'uld trap." They all looked at the baby, who was staring in rapt fascination at her own fingers, and kicking her feet for no apparent reason other than the joy of wiggling. "So, there's that."
"And you brought her here because...?" asked Janet, patiently. SG-1 exchanged looks, none of them willing to begin.
"Where are her parents, Colonel?" asked Hammond.
Jack winced. "Uh, well. It's possible," he said, "that you're looking at them."
"What?" Oh yeah, the General did not sound pleased.
Janet's eyes widened, and she looked around. "What? You didn't - which one of you?"
"Yeah, see, that's the other thing."
Daniel - who had dropped into a chair and closed his eyes - spoke up. "According to the people of P74 XMA, she was created from all of us." He opened his eyes, and met Janet's astonished gaze. "The planet is protected by the Asgard, who appear to have been worried about the small population. Low fertility rates, you see - not enough babies, population becomes inbred and dies out. So, several generations ago, the Asgard granted them a wonderful gift. A couple who have been having trouble conceiving can spend a night under Hoenir's Tree, and in the morning, they wake up to find..."
Everyone looked at the baby.
"Hoenir, so we're told, is also known as the Stork King," said Jack, smiling humorlessly.
"Apparently," said Sam, sounding determinedly factual, "the process doesn't discriminate between the couple's gender - they can both be male, both female, or male and female. Culturally, no group ever stays up there - probably because, unlike the usual fertility myths, this one actually comes true."
"No group, until now," added Jack. Hammond gave him a distinctly disapproving look. "We didn't know! There was a serious lack of signposting!"
"It's interesting," began Daniel. "The people have some strict cultural taboos about the Tree. It's not regulated in their written laws - not that they have many - because there are certain things that they just don't do." He opened his mouth to carry on, but was intercepted by a glare from Jack, and fell silent again.
"Are you telling me," said General Hammond, "that this is... SG-1's baby?"
"Yes," said Teal'c. "That appears to be the case." There was a small, but profound, silence in the office. "This may be problematic."
"Right. Doctor, I want you to run as many tests as it takes," said Hammond. "I want incontrovertible evidence, one way or another, before I take any further action."
"Yes, sir!"
---
"Put simply," said Janet, after a whole lot of testing, "imagine that Sam and Teal'c had a son, and that Jack and Daniel had a daughter. Were that physically possible."
Jack had already put one hand delicately over his eyes, massaging his temples. Sam flickered a brief smile at Teal'c.
"Now imagine that those two children had a child." Jack growled something from beneath his hand. "That mix of genes would be approximately the same as we found in this baby. Only... without the middlemen, so to speak."
"Oh, god," muttered Sam. "Now I'm a grandmother?"
"So it's true?" asked Hammond. "This baby has been cloned from all four of them?"
"DNA testing isn't one hundred percent accurate," temporized Janet. "But yes, as far as we can tell, the baby's genes can all be matched to one of them, and we've found no genes from an external source. In a court of law, she would be considered - well, a direct blood relation to all members of SG-1."
Hammond looked around the table, his face grim. "Congratulations," he said. "Now, before I have to make that phonecall, do you have any suggestions as to what we can do about this? Can the procedure be reversed?"
"No!" Sam was the one to speak, but all of SG-1 had straightened in their seats. "General, she's not a blank canvas, like the clone bodies the Asgard create for themselves," she said, earnestly. "She was created to be approximately three months' old. We're not exactly delighted about the situation, but I don't think any of us consider her to be disposable." She glanced around the table at her teammates, receiving nods of confirmation.
"The people of P74 were appalled when we asked," said Daniel. "There's no reset button, no returns policy, no built-in self-destruct. She won't evaporate in the morning like - like leprechaun gold. She's here to stay."
"Although it would be a simple and clean solution, we would not want to zat her three times." added Teal'c. Hammond flinched.
"In short, sir, other than going back in time and preventing ourselves from camping under the magic baby tree - and I've asked Carter to look into that - there's no way to undo this with which we would be comfortable," said Jack. "Sir."
"Okay, okay, I understand." Hammond sighed. "I have to say, I agree with you - but I don't know how my superiors are going to react. It's unlikely that SG-1 will be permitted to continue in its current configuration. I will make it clear," he said, holding up his hand to forestall protests, "that no improper fraternization has taken place, and that none of you should, in my opinion, be punished. But they may still feel that the team will no longer be able to maintain a suitably professional relationship. And I'm not sure I could argue with that," he added, heavily. "This will place you all under... new pressures. I suggest that you each take some time, speak to each other and if necessary to the base counselor, before you make any decisions."
"Well, there is one decision they could work on straight away," said Janet. They all turned to look at her, and she smiled. "Her name?"
---
"Grace?" suggested Jack.
"No!" said Daniel. "It sounds like a maiden aunt - doilies and cats!"
Jack glared at him. "Grace was my mother's name."
"Oh." Daniel looked guilty. "Yes, well. That was a different generation."
Jack gave him a long look, but finally let it drop. "Okay, what about Dorothy, then?" The others groaned. "What?"
"If you will not approve Leia, I will not approve Dorothy," said Teal'c, sharply.
"At least it wasn't Maggie, Marge, or Margaret," said Sam, philosophically, trying to ignore the fact that the tiny, nameless baby asleep in Teal'c's huge arms was about the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. "And before you suggest it, sir, NO, we're not calling her Lisa, either."
"How about Claire, after my mother?" Daniel suggested.
"I like Claire," volunteered Sam.
"Claire's good," agreed Jack.
"NOT Cla'er," said Teal'c.
Daniel got that distant look he got when he was mentally running translations, the one that Sam privately thought of as slightly constipated. Then he winced, and glanced at Teal'c. "Oh," he said. "Yes. Not Cla'er." Jack and Sam exchanged looks, but forbore to ask.
"What about Amy?" suggested Jack. Everyone thought about it.
"Amy's okay," said Daniel, slowly.
"Amy is not offensive," added Teal'c.
"Oh, come on," said Sam. "It sounds like it's been chosen by committee!"
"Uh, I hate to point out the obvious, but..." Jack waved his hand around the table at them all.
"Technically, I think we're now a family," corrected Daniel.
There was a long, thoughtful pause, in which everyone avoided eye-contact.
"Buttercup," suggested Teal'c.
"No! No names from movies or TV! Or obscure mythological or historical references!"
"Or obscure scientific references," retorted Daniel, earning himself a glare.
"Marie is a perfectly respectable name, and not in any way obsc-"
"Kids," said Jack. He raised his eyebrows pointedly. "A little bit of focus, here?"
Sam drew in a breath, and let it out slowly. She brightened. "Hey, I could create a matrix and run one of those baby name websites through it, setting it to weed out all those that are too long or too short, the ones that are too popular or too obscure, the ones that have-"
"Carter," said Jack, pained. "We are not letting a machine choose the name!"
"No, but it could give us a shortlist of the-"
"No."
Sam glared. "You know, you don't have final veto on this," she said, sharply. "This is not an area where you have superior authority, sir."
"Let's just agree that we won't choose a name unless every one of us is happy with it," said Daniel, quickly diverting the incipient argument. "Teal'c, what about Jaffa names?"
"Shaun'auc?" suggested Teal'c, instantly. There was an awkward pause.
"You know, how about we agree: no naming her after people we know or... knew," suggested Jack, carefully.
Sam and Daniel nodded, and Teal'c sighed. "Very well."
The silence was punctuated by soft scratching noises, as Sam and Daniel - who had both brought lists - went through and struck out any familiar names.
"She kind of looks like a Sylvia."
"No!"
---
"...came out of Jackson's butt!"
The loud laughter was quickly hushed as Colonel O'Neill walked past, looking grim. He thumped his tray down opposite Sam, and gave her a speaking look.
"Yeah," she sighed. "But speaking personally, I prefer the 'Daniel's assbaby' story to the one where I'm screwing all of you."
Jack frowned. "But it's not even physically poss..." he trailed off, and closed his eyes. "Why do I bother?"
Sam shook her head. Across the commissary, there was a fresh burst of muffled laughter. "Sir, do you think we - you and I - are going to be in serious trouble? I mean, Teal'c and Daniel are civilians, so they should be safe from prosecution, but..."
Jack sighed. "I don't know," he admitted. "I know Hammond's sent SG-9 and a whole bunch of scientists back to P74 to talk to the people, and see if they can get a look at the technology. If they can find it." SG-1 had taken a look around the clearing on their way back to the Stargate, but had found no sign of how or where the babies were produced. And they hadn't wanted to stick around for too long, just in case. "Other than the kid, they've got no reason to suspect us all of... mass fraternization."
"Janet's going to give me an exam," said Sam, wrinkling her nose. "So there'll be documented proof that I've not given birth in the last three months. Or, you know, ever."
"Okay. That's good. If it does come down to it, the kid can't be used as evidence against you if she's not technically your kid. Except genetically." He screwed up his face. "Damn, this is going to be hell to sort out. When I next see Thor, I'm gonna kick his little grey butt."
"Even if they find us innocent of actions unbecoming," began Sam.
"When they find us innocent," said Jack, firmly.
"Yes, sir. Hopefully. But even then, they're not going to let SG-1 stay as it is, are they? General Hammond didn't think so. They're never going to let four... parents, for want of a better word, of one child, serve on a field team."
Jack looked down at his breakfast, cereal and milk rapidly congealing into uniform density sludge. He set down the spoon. "I'm thinking of retiring," he said.
"Sir, you can't!" hissed Sam, leaning forward, eyes wide in alarm.
Jack shrugged. "I may not have much of a choice," he said. "Anyhow, I've done my twenty years, and it wouldn't be far off, even without all this. I'm the oldest - well, except for Teal'c, but he's-" He waved a hand, impatient at his inability to find the right words. "Someone will need to stay home with the kid." He glanced up, and then away. "I didn't do that, last time." With a visible effort, he turned to meet her eyes, and pulled his face into an unconvincing smile. "Maybe this is an opportunity that I'd be crazy to miss."
"Sir-"
He shook his head. "Carter, I don't want to talk about it. Not right now. It's just a thought."
She huffed, hobbled by their professional relationship and their location, and pursed her lips, giving him a narrow stare that he found profoundly uncomfortable. Then her eyes dropped, and when they returned her expression was... safer. "Gabriella?"
"No," he said, pocketing a banana and abandoning the rest of his breakfast as a dead loss, following her lead as she picked up her tray and headed for the exit. "Georgina?"
"No, sucking up to the General won't help - we'd have to name her after the Chief of Staff, maybe even the President."
"Henrietta?"
"Categorically not."
---
It felt, Daniel reflected, strangely natural to have Teal'c seated in the corner of his - Daniel's - office with a baby tucked in one arm. Perhaps because Teal'c often sat in that chair, and the baby was quiet - soundly asleep. And perhaps also because Daniel had both grown up in and subsequently married into an environment where work and children were expected to co-exist - and, for the most part, did so without a problem.
To everyone's complete lack of surprise, she seemed to sleep best when held by Teal'c: Daniel could never stay still enough, his hands always twitching towards work. Jack preferred it when she was awake and he could play with her hands and feet, tickle her tummy, and 'steal' her nose, with such unselfconscious enjoyment that it was simultaneously comical and heartbreaking. He couldn't remember seeing Sam hold the baby for any length of time. Teal'c always had that enviable stillness about him that seemed to radiate out and encompass the child. She would stare unceasingly at him, fighting her drooping eyelids, until she finally succumbed and slept.
Daniel glanced over a pile of books on Norse mythology to find Teal'c staring down at the baby with an equally absorbed expression. "So what do you think about all this?" he asked. Teal'c had seemingly taken it all in stride, as unruffled as always, but Daniel knew that, underneath, Teal'c had probably just as many issues about family as any of them.
Teal'c continued to stare at the tiny baby in his arms, and didn't answer for a long time. "When Drey'auc was pregnant with Rya'c," he began, "I prayed for a boy. I wanted a son to follow in my footsteps, for whom I might accomplish all the things that my own father could not. I believed that only a son would be enough to drive me on toward my goals."
Daniel smiled.
"Drey'auc told the world that it would be a boy. She proudly proclaimed that she would bear my son - a son who would be as strong and steadfast as his father. But when the time drew near..." His voice dropped. "She whispered to me, just once, that she was praying for a girl. She did not want her child to enter the ranks of Apophis, to become a soldier, to fight and to die - as so many did. But she did not dare say this to the world, because she was ashamed to feel so: a son who died for one's god was the greatest honor one might receive. If she bore a girl, she believed that she would worry less." He glanced up, his eyes bright. "But now I know that we were both wrong."
Daniel sighed. "Yeah," he said, softly. "Yeah, me too. I couldn't sleep last night - eventually I gave up trying, came in here, and Googled Colorado preschool ratings until dawn. And if you tell Jack that, I will find a way to kill you. But you know one thing? I feel a little safer knowing that I'm sharing this with you three. It's an extraordinary situation, but it's not quite as scary, because we're... we're SG-1, and we can do anything. Even this."
Teal'c considered it for a moment, and then gave a solemn nod. "As O'Neill might say, we eat extraordinary situations for breakfast."
"You had eggs and what for breakfast?" asked Sam, appearing in the doorway.
Daniel shook his head. "Never mind."
"Well, whatever it was, I hope for your sakes that you gave the commissary a miss. You do not want to hear the latest rumors about us."
"Oh, I've heard," said Daniel, grimly. He'd been down for coffee already. "I'm not a seahorse."
"Well, at least-" began Sam, but at that moment the baby chose to wake up, and let out a warning grumble. "Uh-oh."
Daniel checked his watch. "You know, this four-hourly feeds thing is a little freaky. Four hours on the dot, every time. That has to be the military genes."
"And if she doesn't get fed, she gets grumpy," said Sam, watching as Teal'c looked around himself for the missing bottle. "Remind you of someone we know?"
Daniel grinned, and started looking under papers and files. "Yeah, I know who's to blame for... where has it gone?!"
The baby started wailing in earnest, and Teal'c gave him a pained look. "Daniel Jackson!"
"It was right here!"
Sam joined in the bottle hunt. "Honestly, Daniel, you need to tidy this place up sometime," she called, over the noise.
"But I know where everything - aha!" Daniel fished the bottle out from inside a canopic jar. He tossed it to Teal'c, who caught it one-handed, neatly turned it, and popped it into the baby's mouth. She fell silent instantly, sucking industriously. "See? Teamwork."
---
A message icon appeared in the corner of her screen at the same moment as Sam's computer pinged quietly. She clicked on the internal instant messenger system, and smiled to see Daniel's icon (himself drawn as a South Park character, mainly because the Colonel had taken a virulent dislike to the series) bobbing up and down. She clicked on the message.
DrDJackson (02:15:03): Go to BED. Get some SLEEP.
She grinned, and put her fingers to the keyboard.
MajSCarter (02:15:14): You can talk. What are you doing up?
DrDJackson (02:15:37): Doctor Jackson has had sleep; Doctor Jackson will have sleep. Doctor Jackson is not sleeping in the present tense due to a 2am feeding and the Diaper From Hell.
DrDJackson (02:16:07): We are sure she's not really a Goa'uld plot to kill us all, aren't we?
MajSCarter (02:16:40): Pretty sure, yes.
MajSCarter (02:17:01): Check your email.
DrDJackson (02:19:45): You're crazy. She's only been on the planet for three days, and you're already planning her schooling?
DrDJackson (02:20:02): p.s. I liked the look of the Montessori one, myself. http://montessorichild.com/html/centennial.html
MajSCarter (02:20:13): Hypocrite!
MajSCarter (02:20:26): Anyway, she's been on-planet four days, now. And I'm not PLANNING, I'm just looking.
DrDJackson (02:20:57): Oh, well, excuse me.
MajSCarter (02:22:34): The kindergartens are ranked by proximity and ratings. The second worksheet shows things that we'll need to buy - list 1 is for things that are sharable, and list 2 is for things that we'll each need to buy because they're less transportable. I've put a few suggested weblinks on there. then the third worksheet is for child-proofing that needs to be done. I forget - does your balcony have some kind of cover over the lower bars?
DrDJackson (02:23:13): I don't remember. I'll have a look.
DrDJackson (02:23:25): Are you freaking out?
MajSCarter (02:23:35): No, I'm fi-
Sam paused, her fingers on the keys. Then she backspaced, and typed a different message.
MajSCarter (02:24:10): I might be. A little.
MajSCarter (02:24:16): Aren't you?
DrDJackson (02:24:27): Like you wouldn't believe.
MajSCarter (02:25:01): Do I sound completely bitchy if I say I feel like the Colonel and Teal'c have got it easy because they've done this before?
MajSCarter (02:26:26): I mean, I KNOW it doesn't work that way, and what with everything they've gone through with their families, I KNOW it's not easyfor them at all - but I still feel like... like they're better prepared.
DrDJackson (02:27:03): Not bitchy. Understandably scared, maybe. Have you talked to either/both of them?
MajSCarter (02:27:28): I talked to the Colonel a little bit today, but it wasn't really the right time, and we didn't exactly talk... baby stuff. It was more AF regs stuff, whether we're about to be thrown in jail, that sort of thing. You?
DrDJackson (02:27:43): I've talked to Teal'c. He's freaking out, too, you know. In his own way.
MajSCarter (02:28:04): I noticed he's been very quiet.
MajSCarter (02:28:22): Tell you what: tomorrow, we'll have a team freakout session. Okay? I think there's a few things we all need to discuss. especially a damn name.
DrDJackson (02:28:31): Sounds like a good plan.
Sam paused for a long time, and watched as Daniel started to type something, and then deleted it. She waited, but nothing appeared.
MajSCarter (02:30:59): I can see you thinking, you know.
DrDJackson (02:30:31): Yeah, I know. I was just...
MajSCarter (02:31:28): What?
DrDJackson (02:31:34): Did you ever think you'd have kids?
MajSCarter (02:31:42): Yes. I suppose. I liked the idea, but it wasn't a priority.
MajSCarter (02:32:12): I guess I thought I'd meet someone and settle down first (!). I don't know if you've ever noticed, but I like to plan things out, get the details down before I launch into anything.
MajSCarter (02:32:19): You?
DrDJackson (02:33:17): Sha're and I talked about it. I wanted to wait - I was afraid, really. There were no hospitals, no private clinics, no medical insurance or scans - if there'd been any complications... I was scared I might lose her.
DrDJackson (02:33:39): Ironically, had she been pregnant or nursing a baby when Apophis arrived...
MajSCarter (02:34:08): Oh, Daniel.
DrDJackson (02:34:38): It's okay. Well, it's not okay, but it's done, now.
DrDJackson (02:34:53): And if I'd had to choose someone else to have a child with, you'd definitely be top of the list.
MajSCarter (02:35:12): Aw. Back atcha, Doctor Jackson.
DrDJackson (02:35:23): With yours, mine, and Teal'c's genes, the kid;ll go far.
DrDJackson (02:35:37): (I'm still not sure whether to be pleased or horrified that Jack is in the mix, too.)
MajSCarter (02:36:10): :-)
MajSCarter (02:36:24): Hey, do you want some company? I'll even change the next diaper, if you promise not to nag me about getting some sleep. I've got third watch, anyway, there's no point me going to sleep before then.
DrDJackson (02:36:31): Come on up.
DrDJackson (02:36:34): Bring coffee.
MajSCarter (02:36:41): On my way.
---
Daniel and Sam's 'team freakout' plan had to wait, it turned out, because next morning, the Colonel, Teal'c, and the baby had disappeared.
To the shops.
"As her parents, we must provide her with the best of everything," pronounced Teal'c as they walked into the baby superstore. Teal'c was pushing the biggest shopping cart they could find, with the still-unnamed child (temporarily, they'd agreed on the drive, to be called Samantha Jr. - in case anyone asked) on top, in her car seat.
"Yeah..." Jack glanced around, and then pulled Teal'c to one side, just inside the door. "T, buddy - ixnay on the arents pay. Okay?" Teal'c gave him an unreadable look. "Did I ever teach you Pig Latin? It's... not important. Look, how about, for today, she's your kid. Just your kid - not mine. I'm just... helping out a friend."
Teal'c gave him a long, considering look.
"You know, if we get into a conversation about her parents, and you mention the four of us, they're gonna call Social Services."
Teal'c frowned. "Very well."
"Good! Great. Glad we got that sorted."
"May I help you gentlemen?"
Jack turned quickly towards a perky young 'hi!-my-name-is-Darla'.
"I require many things for my daughter," said Teal'c, proudly.
"Alrighty! Isn't she a peach!" She gently tickled Samantha Jr.'s cheek, and beamed at Teal'c. "How old is she?"
"Three months and four days." That at least they'd been able to agree on: the date she'd been created minus three months. Which meant her birthday would be January 15th...
"Let me guess," said the shop assistant, turning to Jack. He refocused. "The father-in-law, right?"
Jack's pleasant expression dropped away, and he gave her a stony glare through his sunglasses, one that had made many a Marine quake in his size 12s - but either the mountain of fuzzy blue stuffed elephants to his left were neutralizing his inherent badassery, or she had a personal forcefield of perkiness, because it just bounced right off. "Friend," he growled.
"Of course! Well, let's go find you some baby stuff! Follow me!"
They finally shook off hi!-my-name-is-Darla at bathroom toys, making their escape through into cribs, which was perhaps fortunate, because that was when Jack's phone rang.
"O'Neill. Hey, Carter. Yeah, Teal'c wanted to go shopping." He turned his back so he couldn't see Teal'c's glare. "What? Oh, no, Siler lent us one - did you know he drives the same truck as me? Uh-huh. No, Carter, we thought we'd announce that to the whole shop. Yes. Yes. We got one of those. And two of... Okay, look, just text me a list or something. All right. Yeah, about an hour. Bye." He snapped the phone shut and rolled his eyes at Teal'c. "So, Carter's worried that we're going to buy up the whole shop, convince the staff we're kidnappers, get arrested, and have to explain to Hammond, Social Services, the NID, and the President what happened. Don't you just feel a warm glow, knowing how much faith she has in our abilities?"
"I think perhaps she had a point, O'Neill," said Teal'c. They both looked at their cart, already piled to Samantha Jr.'s level.
"Yes, well. We need all that stuff." Teal'c gave him a steady look. "I'm just saying, she's going to be the world's most overprotective mom, if she carries on like this. She's gotta lighten up a little." Teal'c continued to look at him. "Okay, yes, she might have a point. We'll order the crib online."
"That one," said Teal'c, pointing out his choice. "The stationary sides are much more secure. Note down the manufacturer and model number."
Jack sighed, and exchanged looks with Samantha Jr. "At least you've got me to drop you on your head and feed you ice cream for dinner," he offered. "And maybe Danny, I'm not sure." She giggled, blew a spit bubble, and squealed loudly. "Yeah, you and me both, kiddo," he sighed. "You and me both."
---
Jack strolled into Daniel's office a couple of hours later, to find the science half of his team waiting impatiently. Sam and Daniel looked quickly up from the computer they were sharing.
"Oh, thank god!" said Sam. "Where have you been?"
"We stopped for a beer," said Jack, just to see her expression - outraged, for a moment, and then annoyed at his childish need to push buttons.
"Where are Teal'c and the baby?" asked Daniel. Jack waved vaguely.
"Dropping off some of the stuff. We were careful," he added, at their looks. "We didn't buy everything. Which reminds me, Teal'c wants to order..." He patted himself down, and finally produced a receipt with some notes scribbled in between printed offers of FREE BURGER! and ZINGY FRIES! "These. That's the crib, and that's - no, that one's the crib, and that's the changing table. I can't remember what that one is, but I think the last one is the walker."
"Oy," muttered Daniel.
"Yeah. There are a serious lot of accessories comes with," said Jack. They all looked around as Teal'c walked in, pushing a shiny new stroller. "Oh, but this one is cool." Sam's eyes lit up, and she hurried forward. "It's a bit pastel, but it's a decent ride."
Sam was already running her hands over the stroller, as Teal'c reached past her for the baby. "You know, I have a friend who could do something about the paint job," she said, testing the suspension. "He did my bike. We can find some baby-safe paint, and..." She glanced over her shoulder. The Colonel, at least, looked delighted.
"Can it have flames 'round the wheels?"
She pursed her lips. "It's a bit lame..."
"Oh, come on, Carter - flames are never lame!"
Her smile broke through. "Flames might be kind of fun," she admitted, turning back to the stroller. "And if I took one of the old MALP engines and..."
"That's it," declared Jack. "I take back everything I was thinking earlier about you being an overprotective killjoy." Sam's head snapped around. "What? I took it back!"
Teal'c stepped between the two, breaking the spell of her death glare. "Major Carter, please stand up."
Sam looked up, and then let him tug her to her feet with his free hand. Then he carefully turned the child that was cradled in the crook of his arm, and held her out.
"Oh, it's not my turn to change her already?" sighed Sam. "I could've sworn-"
"It is not your turn to change her."
"Then what? Does she need burping? I'm not very good at getting her to sleep, you know."
"She needs nothing," said Teal'c, calmly. "Please hold the child."
Sam's eyes widened, and she held up her hands - but, interestingly to her observers, didn't step away. "Oh, no. Look, Teal'c, I get what you're trying to do, and it's very sweet, but I don't think-"
"Major Carter-"
"I mean, she's adorable and all, but really, it's not my-"
"Major Carter," said Teal'c, firmly. "You will hold the child."
Jack and Daniel held their breath.
Slowly, reluctantly, Sam took hold of the baby, and settled her arms around her. She stared down at the child, who stared back up at her for a long moment - and then they both looked helplessly at Teal'c.
"Now we will go for a walk."
"Teal'c!" protested Sam, clutching the baby closer. "People will see us!"
"Then they, and you, must get used to it."
And with that, Teal'c firmly ushered Sam from the room.
Jack breathed out slowly, after a long silence. "He's totally going to be the one to make her eat her greens," he remarked.
"Oh yeah." Daniel watched as Jack slowly pushed the stroller back and forth. "So, Jack..." Jack shot him a suspicious look. "How are you dealing with all this?"
"Oh, you know me and kids," Jack replied. "I love 'em."
"Yes, well that's not exactly-"
"I mean, of course I'm thrilled, how could I n-"
"Jack, come on, this is me you're talki-"
"What about you? Have you talked-"
"I talked to Sam last night. It was great. There were tears. Jack."
"What d'you want me to say, Daniel?" Jack glared for a moment, and then turned away, shoulders sagging. "Okay. Because I know you're never going to let it go... It's been years since I last did this, and that I wasn't very good at it then." Daniel huffed in disbelief. "I wasn't. Oh, I could do all the fun stuff, the games, the bizarre conversations - kids are my favorite people to talk to, you know. I could even change the odd diaper, and enforce bedtime. But Sara did all the real stuff, the boring, everyday stuff. She did the packed lunches and the parent-teacher conferences and the shots and the being-friends-with-his-best-buddy's-parents-even-though-they're-douchebags. She always knew what he wanted for his birthday, and what I shouldn't get because he was mowing lawns and walking dogs to pay for it himself. I missed so much of that. I don't know if I'll be any good at it. I don't know if I can remember all the rules, all the things I have to watch out for. Crossing the road safely, not taking candy from strangers, not leaving boiling pots with their handles sticking out..." Daniel heard the unspoken worry: locking my gun away safely.
"You don't have to do it, you know."
Jack turned back around. "What?"
"Take on all the responsibility. Or any of it, really. Sam says you're thinking about retiring."
"Yeah, well..."
"You don't have to do that, if it's not what you want. There are other options. There are four of us; we should be able to manage some kind of rota. I mean, it's highly unlikely we'll be allowed to stay on the same team, right?" Jack shrugged: they'd still not heard. "And when it comes down to it, if we all decide that - that we can't do it, I don't think anyone would blame us for giving her up for adoption, given the circumstances."
"Is that what you want to do?" asked Jack, watching him closely. Daniel gave it some thought - not that the subject had ever been far from his mind, lately.
"Well, my foster parents were good people... but no. It'd be a little difficult if you all wanted to give her up, but I have to say, I'd rather find another solution, if at all possible."
"Me either," said Jack, softly. "I mean, yeah, this was a little... unexpected. But I never thought... I never thought I'd have another shot at having a kid, you know? You and Carter, you're still young, and Teal'c has Ry'ac, and anyway he'll probably still be young and virile when he's a hundred and sixty. But me, I'm getting old...er, and the women I meet these days mostly live on other planets. And I was okay with that. Maybe I thought I was getting what I deserved." Daniel opened his mouth to protest, but Jack quickly continued. "But then this happened, and for me, family is..." He shook his head. "It's hard to explain."
"It suits you," suggested Daniel.
"Yeah. That's just it. It suits me." He started pushing the stroller back and forth again. "So I want to take this opportunity, because I know that if I pass it by, I'll regret it forever - and I'm gonna do my best not to screw it up. If you guys want in too, that's great - I mean, it'll be weird, but great. If you don't, that's okay, too. That's your decision to make. I've made mine. I want to grow old surrounded by kids and dogs." His expression changed abruptly, and he looked up. "Hey, we can get her a dog, right? I mean, she's gotta have a dog!"
"When she's a little older," said Daniel, momentarily feeling like a father, not just of a baby girl, but also a teenage boy.
"Cool!" Jack grinned.
"And Jack - all that other stuff? We all make mistakes. But you're a natural at this." He paused for emphasis. "I trust you with my daughter's life, and all that entails."
"Thanks, Daniel. Uh, you too, you know."
A long silence stretched between them. "Well, except maybe the parent-teacher conferences," Daniel added, dubiously.
"Oh, Carter and Teal'c can do those," said Jack, blithely. "They'd intimidate the hell out of anyone. Diplomatically, too, which is more than I can do."
Daniel pictured Sam and Teal'c at a parent-teacher conference. He couldn't help but grin. "Yeah. I think you're right."
---
"-stasia."
"The sole survivor of the massacre of an entire family? Do you want to jinx us?"
Sam and Teal'c re-entered the office to the comforting sound of Jack and Daniel bickering. Daniel immediately broke off to ask: "So how was the walk?"
"She's quite the little celebrity," said Sam, miraculously still holding the baby, but this time more upright, so she could see and be seen. She smiled fondly down at her, and then looked sharply around at her teammates. "Don't think this means I'm going soft or anything," she warned.
"Perish the thought," said Daniel.
"Never would have crossed my mind," added Jack.
"The idea is inconceivable," confirmed Teal'c.
She looked around them once more, and then nodded. "Okay, then."
"Want me to take her?" offered Daniel, holding out his arms. Sam headed for a seat.
"No, no - we're fine," she said. "Aren't we, sweetie? Yes, we are! Yes, we are!"
The sudden surge of male protectiveness in the room was almost palpable, but fortunately Sam didn't seem to notice, absorbed as she was in counting piggies. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c exchanged a silent look over her bent head. It was... well, it was sort of... that is, it was almost...
...Look, it was kind of adorable, okay?
Sam lifted her head, and stared into the middle distance. "Amelia," she announced.
Jack frowned. "But you didn't like Amy!"
"What about 'no historical references'?" Daniel objected.
"I know, I know, but this is..." She turned abruptly to Teal'c. "Amelia Earhart was the first woman to-"
"Fly solo across the Atlantic," finished Teal'c. "I remember from the visit to your Air and Space Museum." He pondered it for a moment. "It is a strong name."
"It's beautiful," said Daniel.
They all looked at Jack. He shrugged. "Hey, it's short and it's about flying - I like it. I can call her Amy for short, right?"
"Yes, you can call her Amy for short," sighed Sam.
"Amelia," said Teal'c, sounding it out. On cue, the baby laughed, kicking her legs gleefully.
"Yep. Looks like she's called Amelia," nodded Jack. "Now all we have to do is choose her surname."
They groaned.
"SG-1 to the Briefing Room. SG-1 to the Briefing Room," said Walter's voice over the PA.
SG-1 straightened, collectively, and exchanged looks. "Okay, ki....ds, this is it," said Jack. "Never let 'em see you cry, don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes, all for one and one for... etcetera. Maybe I should hold-"
"My turn," said Daniel, plucking Amelia from Sam's arms. He held her up to his face. "We're going to go see Grandpa Hammond," he told her, "and if you want your parents to survive, you might want to learn to speak in the next five minutes, and call him that, okay?"
Amelia reached out and grabbed his nose with one wet hand.
"Yes, well, we'll work on it, okay? A is for Aaaaaaasgard..."
Sam and Teal'c followed him out of the room. Jack, pouting, suddenly found himself left behind. "Hey, wait up! D'you think, when this is all sorted, and if Carter and I aren't in jail, we could throw a baby shower? There could be cake...!"
---
END.
Author: Pepper
Fandom: Stargate SG-1
Rating: PG for some swearing.
Wordcount: 8910
Featured Character(s): Jack, Daniel, Sam, Teal'c
Pairing(s)/Genre: None. Gen - or Bob, depending on your interpretation of Bob.
Summary: "This may be problematic."
Warnings: Babyfic. Yeah, sorry about that. Oh, wait, this is Indulgence Day fic - I'm not sorry at all.
A/N: For dayofindulgence. Many, many thanks to crazedturkey and annerbhp for their emergency beta duties and super-speedy turnaround - and for kicking out all those damned commas and adverbs. *cries, wails, clings to adverbs and that one Oxford comma*
And of course - happy birthday, surreallis!
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle -
Why not I with thine?
---
It had been a good evening, was Jack's first thought upon waking. The stars had been bright, his team had been snarky, and he'd laughed so hard his ribs still ached a little. The hollow they'd found, near the top of a hill, a scoop of ground beneath an ancient tree, had been perfectly formed for camping, and the night had been warm enough that the fire had been a comfortable gathering place and not a necessity. The air had smelled of late summer and the ground had been soft and springy with accumulated generations of dead leaves.
It had been a good evening.
Acknowledging that he was awake, he opened his eyes and yawned, rubbing his hands across his face. The other two occupants of the tent - Daniel and Sam - were still out, and he slithered stealthily out of his sleeping bag and grabbed his boots, shaking them out before slipping them on, unlaced. Then he stood, ducked out of the tent, and-
-nearly tripped over the basket at his feet.
Jack caught himself just in time. But the curse died on his lips as he stared down in disbelief. He looked around wildly. "Teal'c!" he called, sharply. There was a rustle and Teal'c appeared above him, standing on the rise beside the tree.
"O'Neill?"
There was a mumbling from the tent behind him as Jack carefully skirted the basket. "Teal'c, what the hell is this doing here?"
Teal'c made his way swiftly down from the rise. "What is - oh." He, too, stopped and stared.
Jack scowled, feeling his good mood dissipate rapidly. "I thought you were on watch!"
"I was," insisted Teal'c, frowning. "No one approached our camp - that I would swear."
"Oh, what, it just materialized by itself, then?"
"Sir, what's - oh my god!"
"Morning, Carter," said Jack. Sam, too, skirted the basket as though it might explode, and came to stand beside them. She lowered the zat, and if he'd been in the mood, he'd have been pleased with how quickly she'd been ready to handle anything.
Well, almost anything.
"Where did that come from?" she demanded.
"That's pretty much the question of the moment."
"What's going on?" Daniel stuck his head out of the tent, and followed their gazes down to the basket in front of him. "What the hell-?" The basket's contents gurgled contentedly. "Jack... it's a baby."
"It's no wonder they pay you the big bucks," muttered Jack. Daniel edged out of the tent, also avoiding touching the basket. "I can see it's a baby, Daniel. What I want to know is, whose baby is it, why did they leave it here, and when are they coming back to collect it?"
"No one entered our camp while I was on guard," reiterated Teal'c.
"Well it wasn't here when I went to bed!" said Sam.
Teal'c glared at her. "I did not say that it was," he said.
"Look, I don't care," said Jack. "For all we know, they have transporter beams or something. I just want to find the parents and hand it back, okay?"
Teal'c subsided, his wounded pride mollified by the idea of transporter beams. "Agreed."
"Oh, definitely," said Daniel.
"The sooner the better," added Sam.
"Good. Glad that's sorted." Jack ran a hand through his hair, and stared at the baby in the basket. He shook his head. "I need a drink."
"I'll start the coffee," offered Daniel, quickly heading for the remains of the fire.
"Or that," agreed Jack.
---
The usual silence of their morning routine was punctured by the happy gurgles and chirps of the baby. "It's trying to eat its own feet," reported Daniel, curiosity overcoming his fear. Jack grunted, trying not to think about when he'd last been that flexible. Daniel sniffed. "Uh, I think we might have a problem..." he said, in that tone of voice that Jack had come to associate with impending apocalypse.
"Oh, no. No. Daniel, I don't wanna hear it."
But Daniel was already gingerly peeling back blankets. "Oh, god." He took a step back. "Yes. She definitely needs changing."
"No. No, no, no, no, no. We're just babysitting it. Her. Briefly. Her parents-"
"Are nowhere to be seen, Jack," insisted Daniel. "We don't know when - or even if - anyone will come back for her. We can't just leave her like that!"
SG-1 exchanged looks. Jack stiffened his back. They were adults. They were military (mostly). They were a goddamn frontline team, sent to alien worlds where they could, and did, deal with anything. Hell, they'd saved the world on numerous occasions. They could do this. "Okay. We can do this." It didn't sound convincing. "Carter!" She gave him a look and he rethought his original order. "Warm water. Teal'c, find a cloth that we can use as a diaper. Daniel..." Jack waved in the general direction of the basket.
"Oh, no," said Daniel.
"You noticed it!"
"I smelt it, I should deal with it?" retorted Daniel. "No way, Jack! Anyway, I don't know what to do."
Jack glared at him, but this time, Daniel wasn't backing down. Jack turned to Teal'c. "Okay, you must've done this before."
"On Chulak, such matters are for the women," said Teal'c. Sam transferred her glare to him. "Not that I would suggest Major Carter should deal with it," he added. "But I have never changed a baby, O'Neill."
Jack closed his eyes.
Well, crap.
---
After a second, more successful, attempt, and some thorough scrubbing, Jack sat with the rest of his team around the rekindled fire, with the baby girl wrapped in her only clean blanket, half a T-shirt, and some medical tape and tucked in the crook of his arm. He felt they'd gotten much better acquainted in the last half-hour, and he could now say that she was a few months' old - just enough to be smiling and making the odd noise, but not enough to be trying to make her escape while she was bathed and redressed. She seemed healthy enough, bright-eyed and far from undernourished: she had a fat little tummy, which, for the sake of his dignity, he'd resisted the temptation to blow raspberries on. Her combination of dark skin - a few shades lighter than Teal'c - and blue eyes had suggested one possible reason for the parental abandonment. Prejudice about skin color was not solely an Earthling thing. But then neither, it seemed, was love across the boundaries.
Jack looked around at his collapsed teammates, and then down at the baby, who was staring fixedly at his face. "Between you and me, I'm beginning to think it's a miracle the Earth is still in one piece," he told her. He waggled his fingers to catch her attention, and she made a grab for his little finger, sticking it in her mouth and sucking enthusiastically. "You're not gonna get any joy there, kiddo." He looked up. "Have we got any powdered milk?"
Sam lifted her head and squinted at him. "You're going to feed her? But... she's tiny. It's going to come straight out the other end!"
Jack jiggled the baby as she gummed his finger. "Well, I would say that it's pretty much a toss-up between changing her again and dealing with her when she gets hungry and irritable - except that it's your turn to change her next time. So yes, Major, we are feeding her."
Sam gave him a long, considering look and decided that subordination was the better part of valor. "Yes, sir," she muttered. "There's some in the emergency kit." She rolled to her feet and went to find it.
"We need to find her parents," said Daniel, straightening up. "Or a relative. Or someone who'll take her."
"Agreed. The village is, what, four klicks from here?"
"Approximately," agreed Teal'c, the only one not in a state of collapse due to some sneaky maneuvering and a quiet remark about too many zal'paks spoiling the nis'zpm. Jack narrowed his eyes.
"Good. Teal'c, you're on feeding duty." Teal'c opened his mouth, no doubt to give a perfectly reasonable reason why he shouldn't feed the baby. "I don't wanna hear it. Everyone else, start packing up."
---
It took them, by Sam's calculation, something like three times as long as normal to hike the four klicks to the village that the UAV had found. By the time they'd reached there, all five of them were tired and irritable - mostly because one of them was having a poor reaction to powdered milk mixed with water and offered through a section of tarp with a hole poked through it.
"Okay, we may have a problem," muttered the Colonel, as they strolled through the village, to the usual stares and muttering. And if his theory about an interracial, intergalactic Romeo and Juliet was correct, then they did have a problem: if there were people of color on the planet, they certainly weren't to be found in this village. Skin tone came in varying shades of white, and hair ranged from blonde to light brown.
"Nordic," said Daniel. "Possibly Viking."
"Asgard?" murmured Sam.
"Could be. The structure of the-"
"Hail and good meeting, strangers! My name is Storvald. Welcome!"
"Yeah, hi," said the Colonel, as a man - village elder, councilman, official of some kind - hurried towards them from one of the single-storey buildings. "Hail, and all that. Daniel?"
Daniel stepped forwards. "Hail and good meeting. Uh, my name is Daniel Jackson, these are my friends. And..." he waved at the basket in Sam's hands. "Yeah. Uh, we came through the Stargate - you might know it as the Chappa'ai? Or the Annulus?" There was an awed murmuring, "-yesterday. We're here to - to offer our friendship."
But Storvald's gaze had finally fallen on the baby. "Oh, you have stopped beside Hoenir's Tree!" Storvald stepped forward, hands clasped, and gazed down at the frowning baby. "Oh, a most beautiful blessed one! Laudations! Laudations to you both!" He stepped forward, offering his hands to Teal'c and Sam.
Sam began to get the unpleasant feeling that the ground was shifting beneath her feet. "Uh, no. She's not ours. We woke up in the morning, and she was just... there." The man's face beamed at her. "We need to find her parents."
"Listen, someone sneaked into our camp last night and left this kid there," said the Colonel. "I nearly fell over her when I woke up this morning."
Storvald turned quickly. "You stopped by Hoenir's Tree, also?" He sounded startled.
"Ye-eeees." Behind his sunglasses, Sam was pretty sure the Colonel was wearing a Look. "If by that you mean an old tree on top of a hill back thataway."
"Uh, yes. We all stayed there," said Daniel. Storvald turned to stare him, and then round at them all, and back at the baby. Around them, the gathering crowd muttered. Sam drew in a slow, calming breath, and sent up a silent prayer that the conclusion she was rapidly running towards was erroneous.
"All four of you? This is most unprecedented," said Storvald, a little blankly.
"What about Triton, Meram, and Hubart?" said a woman.
"That was different. The child was Triton and Hubart's," said Storvald. He turned back to the crowd, and began to launch into a spirited debate. Daniel moved towards the knot of people, listening intently, while the remainder of SG-1 looked at one another.
"You don't suppose they mean..." began Sam.
"Ridiculous," said Jack.
"The Asgard do possess cloning technology," said Teal'c.
"Yeah, but these aren't the Asgard," objected Jack.
"They might be a protected planet, though. They seemed to recognize the name Annulus," said Sam.
As one, they all looked down at the baby, who gazed up at them, frowning irritably. Sam couldn't help but think there was a distinct resemblance to the Colonel when he was seriously annoyed. "If anyone says she's got my eyes, I won't be answerable," she said.
The crowd began to move towards a building, Daniel following. "Daniel!" yelled the Colonel. "Find out what's going on! Report back!" Daniel waved a hand in acknowledgement, not looking back. "And see if you can get some milk!"
"I have milk, strangers," said a quiet voice behind them. A woman stood in a doorway, the toddler at her hip sucking his thumb and staring at them with wide eyes. "The goat was milked but an hour since."
"Um, yes, please. We'd be very grateful if you could spare some," said Sam. "Thank you." Before the woman disappeared, she added, "And if you have a bottle, or something... We can trade for it."
"No cost, no cost," said the woman, waving her free hand. "Come in. Bring the blessed one."
Ugh.
---
Some time later, Daniel came to find them in the village square. They'd attracted an audience as they tried to feed the tired and cross baby and she'd been passed around to several willing helpers. Tempting though it was to let people wander away with her, the Colonel had decreed that she wasn't to be let out of their sight until they knew what was going on.
"Hi," said Daniel, sounding tense. "You've met Storvald." He waved at the man who had followed him out, beaming smile back in place. "He, uh..." He turned to the man. "His people believe that..."
"Strangers!" said Storvald, flinging his arms wide, apparently unable to contain his delight. "Hoenir has truly blessed you!"
"Daniel..." growled Jack. Daniel held up his hands, helplessly.
"Let me tell you," said Storvald, dropping his voice to a storytelling cadence, "of the Stork King."
Sam closed her eyes, hearing a buzzing noise in her ears. This was not happening, this was not happening, this was not happening...
---
When the wormhole disgorged them onto the ramp, the baby gave a startled squeal, ending in a suspiciously wet burp. Jack winced, automatically patting her back as she settled against his shoulder, satisfied that she'd made her feelings about Gate travel known. "Please tell me she hasn't just-"
"Oh, she has," confirmed Daniel.
"There's no way she's got my genes," muttered Jack. Well, he'd been pretty sure he'd have to burn this jacket, anyhow.
"I don't know. She seems to find gas pretty funny," remarked Sam. Jack shot her a glare over his baby-free shoulder - but either his current accessory rendered him harmless, or Sam was still too shellshocked to care, because she just strolled past him and handed her gun to a startled airman. "I would kill for a shower," she announced. "Where's Janet so we can get this over with?"
"SG-1, report to the infirmary," said General Hammond, over the PA. Jack looked up and gave a wave of acknowledgement, and a quiet sigh. This was going to be all kinds of fun.
In the infirmary, Jack quickly became aware of a dozen curious eyes on him. The moment they'd entered, Janet - and everyone else - had instantly focused on the baby on Jack's shoulder. "Colonel, what's this all about? Your message was a little brief."
"Mm-hm," said Jack. "Look, can we talk about this in private?" He looked up as General Hammond followed them into the room. Fabulous. Jack glanced discreetly at his team. Daniel and Teal'c nodded, and Sam gave a fatalistic shrug. The General would have to know sometime. "Private including you, sir."
"Of course." Janet ushered them all into her office, and Jack pushed aside some papers and laid the baby down, blankets and all, on the desk. "So...?"
"They checked her out at the Alpha Site," began Jack. "No bombs, no viruses - no teeth. She doesn't seem to be a Goa'uld trap." They all looked at the baby, who was staring in rapt fascination at her own fingers, and kicking her feet for no apparent reason other than the joy of wiggling. "So, there's that."
"And you brought her here because...?" asked Janet, patiently. SG-1 exchanged looks, none of them willing to begin.
"Where are her parents, Colonel?" asked Hammond.
Jack winced. "Uh, well. It's possible," he said, "that you're looking at them."
"What?" Oh yeah, the General did not sound pleased.
Janet's eyes widened, and she looked around. "What? You didn't - which one of you?"
"Yeah, see, that's the other thing."
Daniel - who had dropped into a chair and closed his eyes - spoke up. "According to the people of P74 XMA, she was created from all of us." He opened his eyes, and met Janet's astonished gaze. "The planet is protected by the Asgard, who appear to have been worried about the small population. Low fertility rates, you see - not enough babies, population becomes inbred and dies out. So, several generations ago, the Asgard granted them a wonderful gift. A couple who have been having trouble conceiving can spend a night under Hoenir's Tree, and in the morning, they wake up to find..."
Everyone looked at the baby.
"Hoenir, so we're told, is also known as the Stork King," said Jack, smiling humorlessly.
"Apparently," said Sam, sounding determinedly factual, "the process doesn't discriminate between the couple's gender - they can both be male, both female, or male and female. Culturally, no group ever stays up there - probably because, unlike the usual fertility myths, this one actually comes true."
"No group, until now," added Jack. Hammond gave him a distinctly disapproving look. "We didn't know! There was a serious lack of signposting!"
"It's interesting," began Daniel. "The people have some strict cultural taboos about the Tree. It's not regulated in their written laws - not that they have many - because there are certain things that they just don't do." He opened his mouth to carry on, but was intercepted by a glare from Jack, and fell silent again.
"Are you telling me," said General Hammond, "that this is... SG-1's baby?"
"Yes," said Teal'c. "That appears to be the case." There was a small, but profound, silence in the office. "This may be problematic."
"Right. Doctor, I want you to run as many tests as it takes," said Hammond. "I want incontrovertible evidence, one way or another, before I take any further action."
"Yes, sir!"
---
"Put simply," said Janet, after a whole lot of testing, "imagine that Sam and Teal'c had a son, and that Jack and Daniel had a daughter. Were that physically possible."
Jack had already put one hand delicately over his eyes, massaging his temples. Sam flickered a brief smile at Teal'c.
"Now imagine that those two children had a child." Jack growled something from beneath his hand. "That mix of genes would be approximately the same as we found in this baby. Only... without the middlemen, so to speak."
"Oh, god," muttered Sam. "Now I'm a grandmother?"
"So it's true?" asked Hammond. "This baby has been cloned from all four of them?"
"DNA testing isn't one hundred percent accurate," temporized Janet. "But yes, as far as we can tell, the baby's genes can all be matched to one of them, and we've found no genes from an external source. In a court of law, she would be considered - well, a direct blood relation to all members of SG-1."
Hammond looked around the table, his face grim. "Congratulations," he said. "Now, before I have to make that phonecall, do you have any suggestions as to what we can do about this? Can the procedure be reversed?"
"No!" Sam was the one to speak, but all of SG-1 had straightened in their seats. "General, she's not a blank canvas, like the clone bodies the Asgard create for themselves," she said, earnestly. "She was created to be approximately three months' old. We're not exactly delighted about the situation, but I don't think any of us consider her to be disposable." She glanced around the table at her teammates, receiving nods of confirmation.
"The people of P74 were appalled when we asked," said Daniel. "There's no reset button, no returns policy, no built-in self-destruct. She won't evaporate in the morning like - like leprechaun gold. She's here to stay."
"Although it would be a simple and clean solution, we would not want to zat her three times." added Teal'c. Hammond flinched.
"In short, sir, other than going back in time and preventing ourselves from camping under the magic baby tree - and I've asked Carter to look into that - there's no way to undo this with which we would be comfortable," said Jack. "Sir."
"Okay, okay, I understand." Hammond sighed. "I have to say, I agree with you - but I don't know how my superiors are going to react. It's unlikely that SG-1 will be permitted to continue in its current configuration. I will make it clear," he said, holding up his hand to forestall protests, "that no improper fraternization has taken place, and that none of you should, in my opinion, be punished. But they may still feel that the team will no longer be able to maintain a suitably professional relationship. And I'm not sure I could argue with that," he added, heavily. "This will place you all under... new pressures. I suggest that you each take some time, speak to each other and if necessary to the base counselor, before you make any decisions."
"Well, there is one decision they could work on straight away," said Janet. They all turned to look at her, and she smiled. "Her name?"
---
"Grace?" suggested Jack.
"No!" said Daniel. "It sounds like a maiden aunt - doilies and cats!"
Jack glared at him. "Grace was my mother's name."
"Oh." Daniel looked guilty. "Yes, well. That was a different generation."
Jack gave him a long look, but finally let it drop. "Okay, what about Dorothy, then?" The others groaned. "What?"
"If you will not approve Leia, I will not approve Dorothy," said Teal'c, sharply.
"At least it wasn't Maggie, Marge, or Margaret," said Sam, philosophically, trying to ignore the fact that the tiny, nameless baby asleep in Teal'c's huge arms was about the most adorable thing she'd ever seen. "And before you suggest it, sir, NO, we're not calling her Lisa, either."
"How about Claire, after my mother?" Daniel suggested.
"I like Claire," volunteered Sam.
"Claire's good," agreed Jack.
"NOT Cla'er," said Teal'c.
Daniel got that distant look he got when he was mentally running translations, the one that Sam privately thought of as slightly constipated. Then he winced, and glanced at Teal'c. "Oh," he said. "Yes. Not Cla'er." Jack and Sam exchanged looks, but forbore to ask.
"What about Amy?" suggested Jack. Everyone thought about it.
"Amy's okay," said Daniel, slowly.
"Amy is not offensive," added Teal'c.
"Oh, come on," said Sam. "It sounds like it's been chosen by committee!"
"Uh, I hate to point out the obvious, but..." Jack waved his hand around the table at them all.
"Technically, I think we're now a family," corrected Daniel.
There was a long, thoughtful pause, in which everyone avoided eye-contact.
"Buttercup," suggested Teal'c.
"No! No names from movies or TV! Or obscure mythological or historical references!"
"Or obscure scientific references," retorted Daniel, earning himself a glare.
"Marie is a perfectly respectable name, and not in any way obsc-"
"Kids," said Jack. He raised his eyebrows pointedly. "A little bit of focus, here?"
Sam drew in a breath, and let it out slowly. She brightened. "Hey, I could create a matrix and run one of those baby name websites through it, setting it to weed out all those that are too long or too short, the ones that are too popular or too obscure, the ones that have-"
"Carter," said Jack, pained. "We are not letting a machine choose the name!"
"No, but it could give us a shortlist of the-"
"No."
Sam glared. "You know, you don't have final veto on this," she said, sharply. "This is not an area where you have superior authority, sir."
"Let's just agree that we won't choose a name unless every one of us is happy with it," said Daniel, quickly diverting the incipient argument. "Teal'c, what about Jaffa names?"
"Shaun'auc?" suggested Teal'c, instantly. There was an awkward pause.
"You know, how about we agree: no naming her after people we know or... knew," suggested Jack, carefully.
Sam and Daniel nodded, and Teal'c sighed. "Very well."
The silence was punctuated by soft scratching noises, as Sam and Daniel - who had both brought lists - went through and struck out any familiar names.
"She kind of looks like a Sylvia."
"No!"
---
"...came out of Jackson's butt!"
The loud laughter was quickly hushed as Colonel O'Neill walked past, looking grim. He thumped his tray down opposite Sam, and gave her a speaking look.
"Yeah," she sighed. "But speaking personally, I prefer the 'Daniel's assbaby' story to the one where I'm screwing all of you."
Jack frowned. "But it's not even physically poss..." he trailed off, and closed his eyes. "Why do I bother?"
Sam shook her head. Across the commissary, there was a fresh burst of muffled laughter. "Sir, do you think we - you and I - are going to be in serious trouble? I mean, Teal'c and Daniel are civilians, so they should be safe from prosecution, but..."
Jack sighed. "I don't know," he admitted. "I know Hammond's sent SG-9 and a whole bunch of scientists back to P74 to talk to the people, and see if they can get a look at the technology. If they can find it." SG-1 had taken a look around the clearing on their way back to the Stargate, but had found no sign of how or where the babies were produced. And they hadn't wanted to stick around for too long, just in case. "Other than the kid, they've got no reason to suspect us all of... mass fraternization."
"Janet's going to give me an exam," said Sam, wrinkling her nose. "So there'll be documented proof that I've not given birth in the last three months. Or, you know, ever."
"Okay. That's good. If it does come down to it, the kid can't be used as evidence against you if she's not technically your kid. Except genetically." He screwed up his face. "Damn, this is going to be hell to sort out. When I next see Thor, I'm gonna kick his little grey butt."
"Even if they find us innocent of actions unbecoming," began Sam.
"When they find us innocent," said Jack, firmly.
"Yes, sir. Hopefully. But even then, they're not going to let SG-1 stay as it is, are they? General Hammond didn't think so. They're never going to let four... parents, for want of a better word, of one child, serve on a field team."
Jack looked down at his breakfast, cereal and milk rapidly congealing into uniform density sludge. He set down the spoon. "I'm thinking of retiring," he said.
"Sir, you can't!" hissed Sam, leaning forward, eyes wide in alarm.
Jack shrugged. "I may not have much of a choice," he said. "Anyhow, I've done my twenty years, and it wouldn't be far off, even without all this. I'm the oldest - well, except for Teal'c, but he's-" He waved a hand, impatient at his inability to find the right words. "Someone will need to stay home with the kid." He glanced up, and then away. "I didn't do that, last time." With a visible effort, he turned to meet her eyes, and pulled his face into an unconvincing smile. "Maybe this is an opportunity that I'd be crazy to miss."
"Sir-"
He shook his head. "Carter, I don't want to talk about it. Not right now. It's just a thought."
She huffed, hobbled by their professional relationship and their location, and pursed her lips, giving him a narrow stare that he found profoundly uncomfortable. Then her eyes dropped, and when they returned her expression was... safer. "Gabriella?"
"No," he said, pocketing a banana and abandoning the rest of his breakfast as a dead loss, following her lead as she picked up her tray and headed for the exit. "Georgina?"
"No, sucking up to the General won't help - we'd have to name her after the Chief of Staff, maybe even the President."
"Henrietta?"
"Categorically not."
---
It felt, Daniel reflected, strangely natural to have Teal'c seated in the corner of his - Daniel's - office with a baby tucked in one arm. Perhaps because Teal'c often sat in that chair, and the baby was quiet - soundly asleep. And perhaps also because Daniel had both grown up in and subsequently married into an environment where work and children were expected to co-exist - and, for the most part, did so without a problem.
To everyone's complete lack of surprise, she seemed to sleep best when held by Teal'c: Daniel could never stay still enough, his hands always twitching towards work. Jack preferred it when she was awake and he could play with her hands and feet, tickle her tummy, and 'steal' her nose, with such unselfconscious enjoyment that it was simultaneously comical and heartbreaking. He couldn't remember seeing Sam hold the baby for any length of time. Teal'c always had that enviable stillness about him that seemed to radiate out and encompass the child. She would stare unceasingly at him, fighting her drooping eyelids, until she finally succumbed and slept.
Daniel glanced over a pile of books on Norse mythology to find Teal'c staring down at the baby with an equally absorbed expression. "So what do you think about all this?" he asked. Teal'c had seemingly taken it all in stride, as unruffled as always, but Daniel knew that, underneath, Teal'c had probably just as many issues about family as any of them.
Teal'c continued to stare at the tiny baby in his arms, and didn't answer for a long time. "When Drey'auc was pregnant with Rya'c," he began, "I prayed for a boy. I wanted a son to follow in my footsteps, for whom I might accomplish all the things that my own father could not. I believed that only a son would be enough to drive me on toward my goals."
Daniel smiled.
"Drey'auc told the world that it would be a boy. She proudly proclaimed that she would bear my son - a son who would be as strong and steadfast as his father. But when the time drew near..." His voice dropped. "She whispered to me, just once, that she was praying for a girl. She did not want her child to enter the ranks of Apophis, to become a soldier, to fight and to die - as so many did. But she did not dare say this to the world, because she was ashamed to feel so: a son who died for one's god was the greatest honor one might receive. If she bore a girl, she believed that she would worry less." He glanced up, his eyes bright. "But now I know that we were both wrong."
Daniel sighed. "Yeah," he said, softly. "Yeah, me too. I couldn't sleep last night - eventually I gave up trying, came in here, and Googled Colorado preschool ratings until dawn. And if you tell Jack that, I will find a way to kill you. But you know one thing? I feel a little safer knowing that I'm sharing this with you three. It's an extraordinary situation, but it's not quite as scary, because we're... we're SG-1, and we can do anything. Even this."
Teal'c considered it for a moment, and then gave a solemn nod. "As O'Neill might say, we eat extraordinary situations for breakfast."
"You had eggs and what for breakfast?" asked Sam, appearing in the doorway.
Daniel shook his head. "Never mind."
"Well, whatever it was, I hope for your sakes that you gave the commissary a miss. You do not want to hear the latest rumors about us."
"Oh, I've heard," said Daniel, grimly. He'd been down for coffee already. "I'm not a seahorse."
"Well, at least-" began Sam, but at that moment the baby chose to wake up, and let out a warning grumble. "Uh-oh."
Daniel checked his watch. "You know, this four-hourly feeds thing is a little freaky. Four hours on the dot, every time. That has to be the military genes."
"And if she doesn't get fed, she gets grumpy," said Sam, watching as Teal'c looked around himself for the missing bottle. "Remind you of someone we know?"
Daniel grinned, and started looking under papers and files. "Yeah, I know who's to blame for... where has it gone?!"
The baby started wailing in earnest, and Teal'c gave him a pained look. "Daniel Jackson!"
"It was right here!"
Sam joined in the bottle hunt. "Honestly, Daniel, you need to tidy this place up sometime," she called, over the noise.
"But I know where everything - aha!" Daniel fished the bottle out from inside a canopic jar. He tossed it to Teal'c, who caught it one-handed, neatly turned it, and popped it into the baby's mouth. She fell silent instantly, sucking industriously. "See? Teamwork."
---
A message icon appeared in the corner of her screen at the same moment as Sam's computer pinged quietly. She clicked on the internal instant messenger system, and smiled to see Daniel's icon (himself drawn as a South Park character, mainly because the Colonel had taken a virulent dislike to the series) bobbing up and down. She clicked on the message.
DrDJackson (02:15:03): Go to BED. Get some SLEEP.
She grinned, and put her fingers to the keyboard.
MajSCarter (02:15:14): You can talk. What are you doing up?
DrDJackson (02:15:37): Doctor Jackson has had sleep; Doctor Jackson will have sleep. Doctor Jackson is not sleeping in the present tense due to a 2am feeding and the Diaper From Hell.
DrDJackson (02:16:07): We are sure she's not really a Goa'uld plot to kill us all, aren't we?
MajSCarter (02:16:40): Pretty sure, yes.
MajSCarter (02:17:01): Check your email.
DrDJackson (02:19:45): You're crazy. She's only been on the planet for three days, and you're already planning her schooling?
DrDJackson (02:20:02): p.s. I liked the look of the Montessori one, myself. http://montessorichild.com/html/centennial.html
MajSCarter (02:20:13): Hypocrite!
MajSCarter (02:20:26): Anyway, she's been on-planet four days, now. And I'm not PLANNING, I'm just looking.
DrDJackson (02:20:57): Oh, well, excuse me.
MajSCarter (02:22:34): The kindergartens are ranked by proximity and ratings. The second worksheet shows things that we'll need to buy - list 1 is for things that are sharable, and list 2 is for things that we'll each need to buy because they're less transportable. I've put a few suggested weblinks on there. then the third worksheet is for child-proofing that needs to be done. I forget - does your balcony have some kind of cover over the lower bars?
DrDJackson (02:23:13): I don't remember. I'll have a look.
DrDJackson (02:23:25): Are you freaking out?
MajSCarter (02:23:35): No, I'm fi-
Sam paused, her fingers on the keys. Then she backspaced, and typed a different message.
MajSCarter (02:24:10): I might be. A little.
MajSCarter (02:24:16): Aren't you?
DrDJackson (02:24:27): Like you wouldn't believe.
MajSCarter (02:25:01): Do I sound completely bitchy if I say I feel like the Colonel and Teal'c have got it easy because they've done this before?
MajSCarter (02:26:26): I mean, I KNOW it doesn't work that way, and what with everything they've gone through with their families, I KNOW it's not easyfor them at all - but I still feel like... like they're better prepared.
DrDJackson (02:27:03): Not bitchy. Understandably scared, maybe. Have you talked to either/both of them?
MajSCarter (02:27:28): I talked to the Colonel a little bit today, but it wasn't really the right time, and we didn't exactly talk... baby stuff. It was more AF regs stuff, whether we're about to be thrown in jail, that sort of thing. You?
DrDJackson (02:27:43): I've talked to Teal'c. He's freaking out, too, you know. In his own way.
MajSCarter (02:28:04): I noticed he's been very quiet.
MajSCarter (02:28:22): Tell you what: tomorrow, we'll have a team freakout session. Okay? I think there's a few things we all need to discuss. especially a damn name.
DrDJackson (02:28:31): Sounds like a good plan.
Sam paused for a long time, and watched as Daniel started to type something, and then deleted it. She waited, but nothing appeared.
MajSCarter (02:30:59): I can see you thinking, you know.
DrDJackson (02:30:31): Yeah, I know. I was just...
MajSCarter (02:31:28): What?
DrDJackson (02:31:34): Did you ever think you'd have kids?
MajSCarter (02:31:42): Yes. I suppose. I liked the idea, but it wasn't a priority.
MajSCarter (02:32:12): I guess I thought I'd meet someone and settle down first (!). I don't know if you've ever noticed, but I like to plan things out, get the details down before I launch into anything.
MajSCarter (02:32:19): You?
DrDJackson (02:33:17): Sha're and I talked about it. I wanted to wait - I was afraid, really. There were no hospitals, no private clinics, no medical insurance or scans - if there'd been any complications... I was scared I might lose her.
DrDJackson (02:33:39): Ironically, had she been pregnant or nursing a baby when Apophis arrived...
MajSCarter (02:34:08): Oh, Daniel.
DrDJackson (02:34:38): It's okay. Well, it's not okay, but it's done, now.
DrDJackson (02:34:53): And if I'd had to choose someone else to have a child with, you'd definitely be top of the list.
MajSCarter (02:35:12): Aw. Back atcha, Doctor Jackson.
DrDJackson (02:35:23): With yours, mine, and Teal'c's genes, the kid;ll go far.
DrDJackson (02:35:37): (I'm still not sure whether to be pleased or horrified that Jack is in the mix, too.)
MajSCarter (02:36:10): :-)
MajSCarter (02:36:24): Hey, do you want some company? I'll even change the next diaper, if you promise not to nag me about getting some sleep. I've got third watch, anyway, there's no point me going to sleep before then.
DrDJackson (02:36:31): Come on up.
DrDJackson (02:36:34): Bring coffee.
MajSCarter (02:36:41): On my way.
---
Daniel and Sam's 'team freakout' plan had to wait, it turned out, because next morning, the Colonel, Teal'c, and the baby had disappeared.
To the shops.
"As her parents, we must provide her with the best of everything," pronounced Teal'c as they walked into the baby superstore. Teal'c was pushing the biggest shopping cart they could find, with the still-unnamed child (temporarily, they'd agreed on the drive, to be called Samantha Jr. - in case anyone asked) on top, in her car seat.
"Yeah..." Jack glanced around, and then pulled Teal'c to one side, just inside the door. "T, buddy - ixnay on the arents pay. Okay?" Teal'c gave him an unreadable look. "Did I ever teach you Pig Latin? It's... not important. Look, how about, for today, she's your kid. Just your kid - not mine. I'm just... helping out a friend."
Teal'c gave him a long, considering look.
"You know, if we get into a conversation about her parents, and you mention the four of us, they're gonna call Social Services."
Teal'c frowned. "Very well."
"Good! Great. Glad we got that sorted."
"May I help you gentlemen?"
Jack turned quickly towards a perky young 'hi!-my-name-is-Darla'.
"I require many things for my daughter," said Teal'c, proudly.
"Alrighty! Isn't she a peach!" She gently tickled Samantha Jr.'s cheek, and beamed at Teal'c. "How old is she?"
"Three months and four days." That at least they'd been able to agree on: the date she'd been created minus three months. Which meant her birthday would be January 15th...
"Let me guess," said the shop assistant, turning to Jack. He refocused. "The father-in-law, right?"
Jack's pleasant expression dropped away, and he gave her a stony glare through his sunglasses, one that had made many a Marine quake in his size 12s - but either the mountain of fuzzy blue stuffed elephants to his left were neutralizing his inherent badassery, or she had a personal forcefield of perkiness, because it just bounced right off. "Friend," he growled.
"Of course! Well, let's go find you some baby stuff! Follow me!"
They finally shook off hi!-my-name-is-Darla at bathroom toys, making their escape through into cribs, which was perhaps fortunate, because that was when Jack's phone rang.
"O'Neill. Hey, Carter. Yeah, Teal'c wanted to go shopping." He turned his back so he couldn't see Teal'c's glare. "What? Oh, no, Siler lent us one - did you know he drives the same truck as me? Uh-huh. No, Carter, we thought we'd announce that to the whole shop. Yes. Yes. We got one of those. And two of... Okay, look, just text me a list or something. All right. Yeah, about an hour. Bye." He snapped the phone shut and rolled his eyes at Teal'c. "So, Carter's worried that we're going to buy up the whole shop, convince the staff we're kidnappers, get arrested, and have to explain to Hammond, Social Services, the NID, and the President what happened. Don't you just feel a warm glow, knowing how much faith she has in our abilities?"
"I think perhaps she had a point, O'Neill," said Teal'c. They both looked at their cart, already piled to Samantha Jr.'s level.
"Yes, well. We need all that stuff." Teal'c gave him a steady look. "I'm just saying, she's going to be the world's most overprotective mom, if she carries on like this. She's gotta lighten up a little." Teal'c continued to look at him. "Okay, yes, she might have a point. We'll order the crib online."
"That one," said Teal'c, pointing out his choice. "The stationary sides are much more secure. Note down the manufacturer and model number."
Jack sighed, and exchanged looks with Samantha Jr. "At least you've got me to drop you on your head and feed you ice cream for dinner," he offered. "And maybe Danny, I'm not sure." She giggled, blew a spit bubble, and squealed loudly. "Yeah, you and me both, kiddo," he sighed. "You and me both."
---
Jack strolled into Daniel's office a couple of hours later, to find the science half of his team waiting impatiently. Sam and Daniel looked quickly up from the computer they were sharing.
"Oh, thank god!" said Sam. "Where have you been?"
"We stopped for a beer," said Jack, just to see her expression - outraged, for a moment, and then annoyed at his childish need to push buttons.
"Where are Teal'c and the baby?" asked Daniel. Jack waved vaguely.
"Dropping off some of the stuff. We were careful," he added, at their looks. "We didn't buy everything. Which reminds me, Teal'c wants to order..." He patted himself down, and finally produced a receipt with some notes scribbled in between printed offers of FREE BURGER! and ZINGY FRIES! "These. That's the crib, and that's - no, that one's the crib, and that's the changing table. I can't remember what that one is, but I think the last one is the walker."
"Oy," muttered Daniel.
"Yeah. There are a serious lot of accessories comes with," said Jack. They all looked around as Teal'c walked in, pushing a shiny new stroller. "Oh, but this one is cool." Sam's eyes lit up, and she hurried forward. "It's a bit pastel, but it's a decent ride."
Sam was already running her hands over the stroller, as Teal'c reached past her for the baby. "You know, I have a friend who could do something about the paint job," she said, testing the suspension. "He did my bike. We can find some baby-safe paint, and..." She glanced over her shoulder. The Colonel, at least, looked delighted.
"Can it have flames 'round the wheels?"
She pursed her lips. "It's a bit lame..."
"Oh, come on, Carter - flames are never lame!"
Her smile broke through. "Flames might be kind of fun," she admitted, turning back to the stroller. "And if I took one of the old MALP engines and..."
"That's it," declared Jack. "I take back everything I was thinking earlier about you being an overprotective killjoy." Sam's head snapped around. "What? I took it back!"
Teal'c stepped between the two, breaking the spell of her death glare. "Major Carter, please stand up."
Sam looked up, and then let him tug her to her feet with his free hand. Then he carefully turned the child that was cradled in the crook of his arm, and held her out.
"Oh, it's not my turn to change her already?" sighed Sam. "I could've sworn-"
"It is not your turn to change her."
"Then what? Does she need burping? I'm not very good at getting her to sleep, you know."
"She needs nothing," said Teal'c, calmly. "Please hold the child."
Sam's eyes widened, and she held up her hands - but, interestingly to her observers, didn't step away. "Oh, no. Look, Teal'c, I get what you're trying to do, and it's very sweet, but I don't think-"
"Major Carter-"
"I mean, she's adorable and all, but really, it's not my-"
"Major Carter," said Teal'c, firmly. "You will hold the child."
Jack and Daniel held their breath.
Slowly, reluctantly, Sam took hold of the baby, and settled her arms around her. She stared down at the child, who stared back up at her for a long moment - and then they both looked helplessly at Teal'c.
"Now we will go for a walk."
"Teal'c!" protested Sam, clutching the baby closer. "People will see us!"
"Then they, and you, must get used to it."
And with that, Teal'c firmly ushered Sam from the room.
Jack breathed out slowly, after a long silence. "He's totally going to be the one to make her eat her greens," he remarked.
"Oh yeah." Daniel watched as Jack slowly pushed the stroller back and forth. "So, Jack..." Jack shot him a suspicious look. "How are you dealing with all this?"
"Oh, you know me and kids," Jack replied. "I love 'em."
"Yes, well that's not exactly-"
"I mean, of course I'm thrilled, how could I n-"
"Jack, come on, this is me you're talki-"
"What about you? Have you talked-"
"I talked to Sam last night. It was great. There were tears. Jack."
"What d'you want me to say, Daniel?" Jack glared for a moment, and then turned away, shoulders sagging. "Okay. Because I know you're never going to let it go... It's been years since I last did this, and that I wasn't very good at it then." Daniel huffed in disbelief. "I wasn't. Oh, I could do all the fun stuff, the games, the bizarre conversations - kids are my favorite people to talk to, you know. I could even change the odd diaper, and enforce bedtime. But Sara did all the real stuff, the boring, everyday stuff. She did the packed lunches and the parent-teacher conferences and the shots and the being-friends-with-his-best-buddy's-parents-even-though-they're-douchebags. She always knew what he wanted for his birthday, and what I shouldn't get because he was mowing lawns and walking dogs to pay for it himself. I missed so much of that. I don't know if I'll be any good at it. I don't know if I can remember all the rules, all the things I have to watch out for. Crossing the road safely, not taking candy from strangers, not leaving boiling pots with their handles sticking out..." Daniel heard the unspoken worry: locking my gun away safely.
"You don't have to do it, you know."
Jack turned back around. "What?"
"Take on all the responsibility. Or any of it, really. Sam says you're thinking about retiring."
"Yeah, well..."
"You don't have to do that, if it's not what you want. There are other options. There are four of us; we should be able to manage some kind of rota. I mean, it's highly unlikely we'll be allowed to stay on the same team, right?" Jack shrugged: they'd still not heard. "And when it comes down to it, if we all decide that - that we can't do it, I don't think anyone would blame us for giving her up for adoption, given the circumstances."
"Is that what you want to do?" asked Jack, watching him closely. Daniel gave it some thought - not that the subject had ever been far from his mind, lately.
"Well, my foster parents were good people... but no. It'd be a little difficult if you all wanted to give her up, but I have to say, I'd rather find another solution, if at all possible."
"Me either," said Jack, softly. "I mean, yeah, this was a little... unexpected. But I never thought... I never thought I'd have another shot at having a kid, you know? You and Carter, you're still young, and Teal'c has Ry'ac, and anyway he'll probably still be young and virile when he's a hundred and sixty. But me, I'm getting old...er, and the women I meet these days mostly live on other planets. And I was okay with that. Maybe I thought I was getting what I deserved." Daniel opened his mouth to protest, but Jack quickly continued. "But then this happened, and for me, family is..." He shook his head. "It's hard to explain."
"It suits you," suggested Daniel.
"Yeah. That's just it. It suits me." He started pushing the stroller back and forth again. "So I want to take this opportunity, because I know that if I pass it by, I'll regret it forever - and I'm gonna do my best not to screw it up. If you guys want in too, that's great - I mean, it'll be weird, but great. If you don't, that's okay, too. That's your decision to make. I've made mine. I want to grow old surrounded by kids and dogs." His expression changed abruptly, and he looked up. "Hey, we can get her a dog, right? I mean, she's gotta have a dog!"
"When she's a little older," said Daniel, momentarily feeling like a father, not just of a baby girl, but also a teenage boy.
"Cool!" Jack grinned.
"And Jack - all that other stuff? We all make mistakes. But you're a natural at this." He paused for emphasis. "I trust you with my daughter's life, and all that entails."
"Thanks, Daniel. Uh, you too, you know."
A long silence stretched between them. "Well, except maybe the parent-teacher conferences," Daniel added, dubiously.
"Oh, Carter and Teal'c can do those," said Jack, blithely. "They'd intimidate the hell out of anyone. Diplomatically, too, which is more than I can do."
Daniel pictured Sam and Teal'c at a parent-teacher conference. He couldn't help but grin. "Yeah. I think you're right."
---
"-stasia."
"The sole survivor of the massacre of an entire family? Do you want to jinx us?"
Sam and Teal'c re-entered the office to the comforting sound of Jack and Daniel bickering. Daniel immediately broke off to ask: "So how was the walk?"
"She's quite the little celebrity," said Sam, miraculously still holding the baby, but this time more upright, so she could see and be seen. She smiled fondly down at her, and then looked sharply around at her teammates. "Don't think this means I'm going soft or anything," she warned.
"Perish the thought," said Daniel.
"Never would have crossed my mind," added Jack.
"The idea is inconceivable," confirmed Teal'c.
She looked around them once more, and then nodded. "Okay, then."
"Want me to take her?" offered Daniel, holding out his arms. Sam headed for a seat.
"No, no - we're fine," she said. "Aren't we, sweetie? Yes, we are! Yes, we are!"
The sudden surge of male protectiveness in the room was almost palpable, but fortunately Sam didn't seem to notice, absorbed as she was in counting piggies. Jack, Daniel and Teal'c exchanged a silent look over her bent head. It was... well, it was sort of... that is, it was almost...
...Look, it was kind of adorable, okay?
Sam lifted her head, and stared into the middle distance. "Amelia," she announced.
Jack frowned. "But you didn't like Amy!"
"What about 'no historical references'?" Daniel objected.
"I know, I know, but this is..." She turned abruptly to Teal'c. "Amelia Earhart was the first woman to-"
"Fly solo across the Atlantic," finished Teal'c. "I remember from the visit to your Air and Space Museum." He pondered it for a moment. "It is a strong name."
"It's beautiful," said Daniel.
They all looked at Jack. He shrugged. "Hey, it's short and it's about flying - I like it. I can call her Amy for short, right?"
"Yes, you can call her Amy for short," sighed Sam.
"Amelia," said Teal'c, sounding it out. On cue, the baby laughed, kicking her legs gleefully.
"Yep. Looks like she's called Amelia," nodded Jack. "Now all we have to do is choose her surname."
They groaned.
"SG-1 to the Briefing Room. SG-1 to the Briefing Room," said Walter's voice over the PA.
SG-1 straightened, collectively, and exchanged looks. "Okay, ki....ds, this is it," said Jack. "Never let 'em see you cry, don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes, all for one and one for... etcetera. Maybe I should hold-"
"My turn," said Daniel, plucking Amelia from Sam's arms. He held her up to his face. "We're going to go see Grandpa Hammond," he told her, "and if you want your parents to survive, you might want to learn to speak in the next five minutes, and call him that, okay?"
Amelia reached out and grabbed his nose with one wet hand.
"Yes, well, we'll work on it, okay? A is for Aaaaaaasgard..."
Sam and Teal'c followed him out of the room. Jack, pouting, suddenly found himself left behind. "Hey, wait up! D'you think, when this is all sorted, and if Carter and I aren't in jail, we could throw a baby shower? There could be cake...!"
---
END.