Por si éramos pocos by Belenuski - Chapter 10 (Part 7)
Title: Por si éramos pocos by Belenuski
Rating: PG-13
NB: And so ends chapter 10. Enjoy.
Silvia
(*) The party became more lively the moment everyone began to greet Lola. She was the center of attention for almost the whole night, although as the clock approached midnight, everyone began to focus on their own topics of conversation. Everybody had arrived looking great. Some, like Lucas and Aitor, looked a little out of place dressed casually in shirts that were only buttoned halfway, the first with a plain white shirt and the other with checkered-blue squares. The rest of the men were wearing suits and ties, although jackets were quickly discarded on the coat rack or sofa.
Rita looked splendid that night, or at least I thought so. Her smile was sincere, her face was glowing, and she had on a green dress with black stockings and boots. She spent the whole night talking with my sister who could hardly believe all the things Rita, one of her best friends, was telling her.
Sara, for her part, was enjoying being the hostess. There was no role she liked more, I knew her well enough to recognize that. Though she had to have the food and everything prepared in a short time, when it was finally all served, she received many compliments and comments about the beautiful chalet that Lucas had bought.
Noah, now that it was 11:30, was on the sofa with Sabina watching a children’s show that always aired at the end of the year. The last time I looked over at them, they were both laughing. I loved seeing the bond between them. That friendship was so full of innocence that you could see the mutual affection they felt for each other. My daughter was never embarrassed to say “I love you” if she felt it. She gave hugs and kisses without fear of expressing her affection, and she had so few fears that sometimes it worried me. But she was so brave.
I smiled as I watched Pepa walk to the sofa and, also smiling at what was on the tv, sit down at Noah’s side and begin to caress her hair. I saw Sabina yawn and climb down from the sofa. She had to have been sleepy, just like Noah who was also yawning every now and then.
From time to time, the little one said something to Pepa and she responded exaggeratedly. Pepa loved spending time with her daughter, even if it was just for five minutes, and to tell the truth, it was something I greatly valued in her. And the best thing was that I wasn’t the only one who noticed Pepa’s devotion to Noah.
Lola snapped me out of my daze as she, too, watched them sitting on the sofa together, Noah reclining against her mother’s body while she, with great care and most likely the desire for Noah to fall asleep, continued to caress her head.
“I still can’t believe what I’m seeing,” my sister said.
“And what’s that?”
“Everything. That Noah’s so big, that she’s so pretty, that…that she’s your daughter, Silvia,” I turned to look at her. “Have you stopped to think about how great that is?”
“I think about it everyday. The girl is my life, Lola. She’s my whole life and more. Being a mother is the best thing that’s every happened to me.”
“It’s always the best thing. To watch your child grow up, learn things from you, need your support and protection…and every night tell you that they love you.”
“Yes…”
I smiled and turned back to look at Noah who had finally fallen asleep.
“But I still have a harder time believing it with Pepa.”
“What about Pepa?”
“Look at her! She’s with her daughter, being affectionate, worrying over her…she adores her! Who would’ve thought that someone like Pepa could be so attached to a child? I never imagined that she would be so involved.”
“And you don’t even know what you’ve missed. Noah has more independence now, but when she had just been born, Pepa would spend the whole day with her in her arms. As Noah’s getting older, they’re doing more and more things together, and even though Pepa is the one who scolds her more often, she loves Noah more than anything.
I sighed. There was a pain in my chest as I recalled old times, but I recovered quickly. The wound could no longer be reopened, it was completely healed, scarred over.
“Scold her? You have to scold that precious thing?”
I let out a big laugh.
“Ha! She’s precious, but she’s more mischievous than an imp.”
“Noah? She doesn’t look it!”
“Well, she is. She’s a bundle of energy, curious, very clever and almost nothing scares her. Basically, a little terror.”
Lola laughed and returned her gaze to Pepa who picked the girl up, and after shooting me an understanding look, took her to the bedroom upstairs to put her to bed.
It seemed strange that I wasn’t thinking about Pepa that night, but my mind was otherwise occupied. Occupied by someone named David. He had arrived at about 9, all spruced up and dashing. When I saw him walk through the door, though, I had to look elsewhere. It was impossible for me to meet his eyes, and he seemed to be having the same trouble.
I felt so sorry to lose a friend like David…and I knew he was affected, too, when, a few minutes before midnight, as I was in the kitchen drinking a glass of water, he approached me with his head hanging low, as if he was ashamed. I turned around, smiling slowly to calm myself and he relaxed the tense set of his shoulders. From the moment I saw him arrive, I knew there’d come the moment when we’d need to talk, and if that moment was now, then we’d talk. The sooner we set the record straight, the better.
“Hola,” he said.
“Hola.”
“You look beautiful.”
“Gracias, you look handsome yourself.”
“I suppose we should start the new year with things sorted out.”
Silence. I leaned against the counter looking at the glass I held in my hands. He cleared his throat, and I had to lift my eyes.
“I’m sorry for what happened.”
I frowned, not understanding. He was sorry? But I was the one who had used him like a guinea pig, or am I completely missing something? Oof, everything happened so fast that even my memories were blurry.
“No, I’m the one who should apologize and…”
“No, Silvia, seriously, let me apologize. Every time I think about when I kissed you, and on top of that, claimed that you loved me…well, I feel sick just thinking about it. I’m not anyone to be speaking for you, let alone to kiss you without permission.”
True, he did kiss me without permission. But I returned the kiss, I’m just as, or even more, guilty than he.
“Vale, I accept your apology, but I was also wrong.”
David smiled and shook his head, probably thinking about how stubborn I was. I smiled, too.
“I don’t care who’s at fault, the only thing I know is that I hate to be like this with you,” he stated. “I miss you, Silvia. We don’t talk, we don’t look at each other…”
“Yes, it really has been difficult to see what’s happened to our friendship.”
The expression on his face changed. He looked at me seriously, scratching the back of his neck in nervousness.
“That’s another thing we need to talk about,” he said, tensing up again. “I don’t know how to show you that I’m in love with you.”
That totally caught me by surprise. I blinked a few times trying to analyze his last statement before finally accepting that I just wasn’t getting anything at all.
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, I…I truly love you, Silvia. I’d do anything for you, I would walk across the world if you asked me to. I can’t live without you.”
I got a little nervous, this time I wasn’t flattered. After what happened last night, I had to accept that my loneliness had dissipated and not even a compliment as flattering as the one David just told me could make me doubt my feelings now. I simply was not in love with anyone, and to be honest, I felt better knowing that. And I insisted that what had happened with Pepa was just sex, as bad as that may sound.
“David…look, I don’t doubt that you love me, if you’re telling me so, there must be a reason for it, but….but I’m just not in the right place to be in a relationship right now.”
“Yeah…the truth is that you’re divorced, and I understand, but I want you to understand me as well. Someday you’ll have to start over. Will you spend the rest of your life feeling loveless every night? You have to accept that you and Pepa are never going to be together again, and once you’ve accepted that, I think you have to get over the fear of suffering again. And if it’s because you don’t love me, we could always try it to see if it works, to see if, with me, you can stop suffering.”
His words hurt me a little. He said a lot in very few words, but what hurt the most was what he said about Pepa and I never being together again. That and the loveless part really got to me, and my heart beat just a bit sadder in my chest.
Love…I myself had said that I didn’t love Pepa, and obviously she didn’t love me, but what happened last night? Vale, I said that it was just sex, but thinking about it with a cooler head was more difficult. Was it always going to be like this? Sleeping with a woman that I wasn’t even in love with? It just couldn’t be. I myself had initiated the divorce proceedings for that reason alone, for not loving her. Did this mean that I did love her? Or rather, did it mean that I had never stopped loving her?
And again with the questions. Questions that hurt to think about and ended with me looking towards the ground, pensive. It was because of David, who was waiting for a response, that I lifted my head again.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever move on or not, but right now…right now, I just can’t,” I told him with the utmost sincerity. I began to feel a tinge of pain in the pit of my stomach. “I promise you that when the time comes that I feel I need a partner, I’ll consider the proposal of dating you, of trying to love you. But right now, what I need is a friend, David. Just a friend.”
He nodded, a bit crestfallen, and smiled sadly as he touched my cheek.
“Vale. The only thing I want is for you to be happy.”
I don’t know if that was true or not, but he didn’t care too much about doing things right. He didn’t think about things before saying them, and his words tonight caused me a little pain, but that wasn’t really all his fault.
I sighed and pulled away from him, waving goodbye. I was starting to feel sad, alone, and somewhat overwhelmed, so before the strokes sounded to announce the new year, I went out on the porch for some fresh air.(*)
Pepa, after putting her daughter to bed, looked at the clock. It was still a few minutes until 12 and before the party really commenced with applause and the ringing-in of the new year, she also wanted to take care of a few things. Aitor, upon arriving, was hugged by Noah who he picked up in his arms, and after greeting a few people, he played with her for a good while. Of course, Pepa and Aitor didn’t even exchange glances. The brunette had almost forgotten that night, but just seeing him made her shudder and she felt disgusted about what she had done. He, on the other hand, wasn’t sure if what happened was good or bad, or if Pepa had slept with him for a particular reason.
Between difficult and uncomfortable looks during dinner and a few serious gestures, they both knew they had to talk. He didn’t want to lose her and she, deep down, needed him as the best friend he had been to her since her wedding.
Now, in the few minutes before everyone would gather in front of the tv, watching the program that would announce the end of the year, they found the perfect occasion to settle the issue once and for all. Aitor wanted to know Pepa’s response, whether it was be positive or negative, because he was at the point of chewing his nails off from the suspense, and he wanted to finally know her feelings.
Sharing a look, they both walked out of the living room to talk at the bottom of the staircase. Pepa wasn’t like Silvia, neither was Aitor like David, and for that reason, the conversation went straight to the heart of the matter and their nerves didn’t impede the words that wanted to come out.
“Look, Aitor, I don’t know much about talking, even less about clearing things up, but the one thing I do know is that you’re my friend, tío. You’ve always been there for me and now after this…well, I don’t know, I don’t want it to break our friendship,” she was quick and clear, even if she seemed a little nervous.
“What I want to know is what it was to you.”
Silence. In part because Pepa had been blocking all thoughts of that night, and also because Pepa had to find an appropriate response.
“Nothing.”
It was so brusque that Aitor felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces, but he was strong and he was able to respond without stuttering.
“Then I’m sorry for taking advantage of you. I knew you were drunk and even still…” he hit the railing of the staircase. “I’m a fucking idiot!”
“No, I’m the idiot for not knowing how to control myself when I drink. Joder…” she sat down on the stairs reluctantly and ran her hands over her face. “We slept together, Aitor…shit…”
Aitor looked at her wondering if it had really been that bad. Well, it was to be expected, a recently-divorced woman, drunk and a lesbian, sleeping with him when he had always been the typical colleague. He sat down beside her and sighed.
“You know what bothers me the most?” Aitor asked. Pepa didn’t look at him. “That I don’t know if what we did was only because of the alcohol or if you really feel something.”
The brunette lifted her head at that point and looked at him.
“It was because of the alcohol,” she didn’t hesistate in clarifying. The sooner she told him, the sooner the conversation would finish.
Aitor smiled sadly and nodded, staring at the wall. He wasn’t able to look at her either.
“Figures. You’re a girl with a good head on her shoulders, you know if you sleep with someone it’s because you love her, because she loves you and it means something. You’re not the type to sleep with someone just for sex, at least for as long as I’ve known you.”
Pepa shifted her gaze little by little until her eyes landed on a distant spot and she focused there. She suddenly felt as if her heart was being constricted from the guilt and she felt ashamed of herself. Not only had she slept with Aitor while she was drunk, but now, without being sure if she loved Silvia, without knowing if Silvia loved her and even being divorced, she had slept with her the night before. She clenched her fists, the desire to cry came over her, and she had to stand up to go outside to the porch where she could get some fresh air, maybe that would rid her of the urge to cry. And, as if that wasn’t enough, the stress was making her quite nauseated as well.
“You’re emotional, chica,” she said to herself as she walked outside and leaned against the railing. She closed her eyes, not tightly, and breathed deeply several times, not only to calm her stomach, but to keep herself from crying.
She, who wasn’t the type to cry, had been more sensitive recently, hormonally speaking. She was easily depressed and cried often, even if it was just a few tears.
But that night she was able to ward off the tears. She had started to feel like a horrible person while she was speaking with Aitor, but the worst part was that she was starting to realize she couldn’t continue like that, that she had to talk with Silvia even though it terrified her.
As if fate was on her side, the redhead appeared, walking down the porch from the other side of the chalet. She had exited from the kitchen and was staring at the ground as she walked, lost in her thoughts after her conversation with David.
When Pepa saw her, her idea about speaking with Silvia faded. Seeing her there, wrapped in her scarf, with her fingers laced together because of the cold and that lost look on her face, Pepa was stunned by the sight. She couldn’t speak with her. She couldn’t do it because if she did, she’d risk losing what they had now.
Silvia lifted her head and stopped as she realized somebody was nearby. When she saw Pepa leaning against the railing, looking at her thoughtfully, all her worries left her, and though one would think that tension would reappear between them, the opposite actually happened. A feeling of tranquility fell over them, lifting their solitude and relaxing them both, causing them to smile slightly.
“What are you doing here?” The redhead asked.
“Getting some air, I was getting a little dizzy inside with so many people, you know. And you? It’s cold out here.”
“I needed some air, too, I’m not feeling so great.”
A silence that wasn’t at all uncomfortable settled between them and the same sensation of nostalgia passed through both of their minds. In other years, at this time, they were hugging or holding hands, watching the tv and counting down the last few seconds of the year. Now the distance between the women seemed so much greater.
“Titas!” Sara exclaimed as she stuck her head outside. She had an enormous smile on her face. “Come quick! There’s forty seconds left!”
After she said this, she vanished indoors once again and then Pepa and Silvia heard her yelling, giving warning to everyone in the world, preparing them for the countdown. They smiled to alleviate the remembrance of the past and looked at each other. Silvia shrugged her shoulders.
“Well, here comes another year.”
“Another year,” Pepa repeated.
“Shall we? If not, we won’t make it in time for the countdown.”
“Yes, of course.”
They looked at each other for a few more seconds. Both of them wanted to hug and kiss each other, to give each other a small sign of affection that would make the start of the year a little more bearable.
Silvia finally turned around, ready to open the door under the attentive gaze of Pepa who, watching her ex-wife and feeling great pangs in her chest caused by the nerves, the sadness, and the nostalgia, couldn’t contain herself and took Silvia’s wrist, the gentle touch making Silvia turn around again. Pepa softly tugged on Silvia’s hand until she was pressed up against the redhead, and as she heard the voices of her family and friends start the countdown, she caressed Silvia’s face, smiling tenderly.
“Cinco!”
Silvia, hypnotized by Pepa’s eyes, made no move to separate.
“Cuatro!”
Still, the brunette held her firmly by the waist with one hand while the other stayed on the redhead’s warming cheek.
“Tres!”
Silvia, nervous, took a breath and pressed even closer to Pepa.
“Dos!”
She couldn’t take it anymore, and though Pepa was the one who started this by pulling her wrist, it was Silvia who got up on the toes of her heels.
“Uno!”
The redhead’s arms wrapped around Pepa’s neck. The brunette grabbed Silvia’s waist more forcefully and finally their lips united, giving them both the warmth that they so needed.
“Happy New Year!” They heard all the guests yell.
Inside, there was an uproar, the clapping and shouts overtook everything. Outside, there was a kiss more romantic and tender than either of them could’ve imagined, and it also overtook everything. Feelings, memories, tears, laughter, words, lies, excitement, hope…everything. This time, the kiss didn’t intensify to a greater level of sensuality. They both were alright just like that, with their eyes closed, quietly savoring each other’s mouths, enjoying the contact that, without earlier intending to, they were giving each other. Only once did Pepa separate from Silvia to tell her with great affection what they had both heard a lot of that night:
“Happy New Year.”
Silvia smiled.
“Happy New Year.”
And they kissed again, not caring if they were doing the right thing, or if they should be more cautious, or if they were in love or not. Just kissing and being kissed with the cold winter breeze blowing around them, taking away with it the doubts that stopped them from doing what their hearts really wanted.
Links to the original story:
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8481210-por-si-eramos-pocos-01-11-09-23-40/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8680673-por-si-eramos-pocos-ii-28-11-09-21-35/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8848739-por-si-eramos-pocos-iii-14-02-10-0-55-finalizado/
Rating: PG-13
NB: And so ends chapter 10. Enjoy.
Silvia
(*) The party became more lively the moment everyone began to greet Lola. She was the center of attention for almost the whole night, although as the clock approached midnight, everyone began to focus on their own topics of conversation. Everybody had arrived looking great. Some, like Lucas and Aitor, looked a little out of place dressed casually in shirts that were only buttoned halfway, the first with a plain white shirt and the other with checkered-blue squares. The rest of the men were wearing suits and ties, although jackets were quickly discarded on the coat rack or sofa.
Rita looked splendid that night, or at least I thought so. Her smile was sincere, her face was glowing, and she had on a green dress with black stockings and boots. She spent the whole night talking with my sister who could hardly believe all the things Rita, one of her best friends, was telling her.
Sara, for her part, was enjoying being the hostess. There was no role she liked more, I knew her well enough to recognize that. Though she had to have the food and everything prepared in a short time, when it was finally all served, she received many compliments and comments about the beautiful chalet that Lucas had bought.
Noah, now that it was 11:30, was on the sofa with Sabina watching a children’s show that always aired at the end of the year. The last time I looked over at them, they were both laughing. I loved seeing the bond between them. That friendship was so full of innocence that you could see the mutual affection they felt for each other. My daughter was never embarrassed to say “I love you” if she felt it. She gave hugs and kisses without fear of expressing her affection, and she had so few fears that sometimes it worried me. But she was so brave.
I smiled as I watched Pepa walk to the sofa and, also smiling at what was on the tv, sit down at Noah’s side and begin to caress her hair. I saw Sabina yawn and climb down from the sofa. She had to have been sleepy, just like Noah who was also yawning every now and then.
From time to time, the little one said something to Pepa and she responded exaggeratedly. Pepa loved spending time with her daughter, even if it was just for five minutes, and to tell the truth, it was something I greatly valued in her. And the best thing was that I wasn’t the only one who noticed Pepa’s devotion to Noah.
Lola snapped me out of my daze as she, too, watched them sitting on the sofa together, Noah reclining against her mother’s body while she, with great care and most likely the desire for Noah to fall asleep, continued to caress her head.
“I still can’t believe what I’m seeing,” my sister said.
“And what’s that?”
“Everything. That Noah’s so big, that she’s so pretty, that…that she’s your daughter, Silvia,” I turned to look at her. “Have you stopped to think about how great that is?”
“I think about it everyday. The girl is my life, Lola. She’s my whole life and more. Being a mother is the best thing that’s every happened to me.”
“It’s always the best thing. To watch your child grow up, learn things from you, need your support and protection…and every night tell you that they love you.”
“Yes…”
I smiled and turned back to look at Noah who had finally fallen asleep.
“But I still have a harder time believing it with Pepa.”
“What about Pepa?”
“Look at her! She’s with her daughter, being affectionate, worrying over her…she adores her! Who would’ve thought that someone like Pepa could be so attached to a child? I never imagined that she would be so involved.”
“And you don’t even know what you’ve missed. Noah has more independence now, but when she had just been born, Pepa would spend the whole day with her in her arms. As Noah’s getting older, they’re doing more and more things together, and even though Pepa is the one who scolds her more often, she loves Noah more than anything.
I sighed. There was a pain in my chest as I recalled old times, but I recovered quickly. The wound could no longer be reopened, it was completely healed, scarred over.
“Scold her? You have to scold that precious thing?”
I let out a big laugh.
“Ha! She’s precious, but she’s more mischievous than an imp.”
“Noah? She doesn’t look it!”
“Well, she is. She’s a bundle of energy, curious, very clever and almost nothing scares her. Basically, a little terror.”
Lola laughed and returned her gaze to Pepa who picked the girl up, and after shooting me an understanding look, took her to the bedroom upstairs to put her to bed.
It seemed strange that I wasn’t thinking about Pepa that night, but my mind was otherwise occupied. Occupied by someone named David. He had arrived at about 9, all spruced up and dashing. When I saw him walk through the door, though, I had to look elsewhere. It was impossible for me to meet his eyes, and he seemed to be having the same trouble.
I felt so sorry to lose a friend like David…and I knew he was affected, too, when, a few minutes before midnight, as I was in the kitchen drinking a glass of water, he approached me with his head hanging low, as if he was ashamed. I turned around, smiling slowly to calm myself and he relaxed the tense set of his shoulders. From the moment I saw him arrive, I knew there’d come the moment when we’d need to talk, and if that moment was now, then we’d talk. The sooner we set the record straight, the better.
“Hola,” he said.
“Hola.”
“You look beautiful.”
“Gracias, you look handsome yourself.”
“I suppose we should start the new year with things sorted out.”
Silence. I leaned against the counter looking at the glass I held in my hands. He cleared his throat, and I had to lift my eyes.
“I’m sorry for what happened.”
I frowned, not understanding. He was sorry? But I was the one who had used him like a guinea pig, or am I completely missing something? Oof, everything happened so fast that even my memories were blurry.
“No, I’m the one who should apologize and…”
“No, Silvia, seriously, let me apologize. Every time I think about when I kissed you, and on top of that, claimed that you loved me…well, I feel sick just thinking about it. I’m not anyone to be speaking for you, let alone to kiss you without permission.”
True, he did kiss me without permission. But I returned the kiss, I’m just as, or even more, guilty than he.
“Vale, I accept your apology, but I was also wrong.”
David smiled and shook his head, probably thinking about how stubborn I was. I smiled, too.
“I don’t care who’s at fault, the only thing I know is that I hate to be like this with you,” he stated. “I miss you, Silvia. We don’t talk, we don’t look at each other…”
“Yes, it really has been difficult to see what’s happened to our friendship.”
The expression on his face changed. He looked at me seriously, scratching the back of his neck in nervousness.
“That’s another thing we need to talk about,” he said, tensing up again. “I don’t know how to show you that I’m in love with you.”
That totally caught me by surprise. I blinked a few times trying to analyze his last statement before finally accepting that I just wasn’t getting anything at all.
“I don’t understand.”
“Well, I…I truly love you, Silvia. I’d do anything for you, I would walk across the world if you asked me to. I can’t live without you.”
I got a little nervous, this time I wasn’t flattered. After what happened last night, I had to accept that my loneliness had dissipated and not even a compliment as flattering as the one David just told me could make me doubt my feelings now. I simply was not in love with anyone, and to be honest, I felt better knowing that. And I insisted that what had happened with Pepa was just sex, as bad as that may sound.
“David…look, I don’t doubt that you love me, if you’re telling me so, there must be a reason for it, but….but I’m just not in the right place to be in a relationship right now.”
“Yeah…the truth is that you’re divorced, and I understand, but I want you to understand me as well. Someday you’ll have to start over. Will you spend the rest of your life feeling loveless every night? You have to accept that you and Pepa are never going to be together again, and once you’ve accepted that, I think you have to get over the fear of suffering again. And if it’s because you don’t love me, we could always try it to see if it works, to see if, with me, you can stop suffering.”
His words hurt me a little. He said a lot in very few words, but what hurt the most was what he said about Pepa and I never being together again. That and the loveless part really got to me, and my heart beat just a bit sadder in my chest.
Love…I myself had said that I didn’t love Pepa, and obviously she didn’t love me, but what happened last night? Vale, I said that it was just sex, but thinking about it with a cooler head was more difficult. Was it always going to be like this? Sleeping with a woman that I wasn’t even in love with? It just couldn’t be. I myself had initiated the divorce proceedings for that reason alone, for not loving her. Did this mean that I did love her? Or rather, did it mean that I had never stopped loving her?
And again with the questions. Questions that hurt to think about and ended with me looking towards the ground, pensive. It was because of David, who was waiting for a response, that I lifted my head again.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever move on or not, but right now…right now, I just can’t,” I told him with the utmost sincerity. I began to feel a tinge of pain in the pit of my stomach. “I promise you that when the time comes that I feel I need a partner, I’ll consider the proposal of dating you, of trying to love you. But right now, what I need is a friend, David. Just a friend.”
He nodded, a bit crestfallen, and smiled sadly as he touched my cheek.
“Vale. The only thing I want is for you to be happy.”
I don’t know if that was true or not, but he didn’t care too much about doing things right. He didn’t think about things before saying them, and his words tonight caused me a little pain, but that wasn’t really all his fault.
I sighed and pulled away from him, waving goodbye. I was starting to feel sad, alone, and somewhat overwhelmed, so before the strokes sounded to announce the new year, I went out on the porch for some fresh air.(*)
Pepa, after putting her daughter to bed, looked at the clock. It was still a few minutes until 12 and before the party really commenced with applause and the ringing-in of the new year, she also wanted to take care of a few things. Aitor, upon arriving, was hugged by Noah who he picked up in his arms, and after greeting a few people, he played with her for a good while. Of course, Pepa and Aitor didn’t even exchange glances. The brunette had almost forgotten that night, but just seeing him made her shudder and she felt disgusted about what she had done. He, on the other hand, wasn’t sure if what happened was good or bad, or if Pepa had slept with him for a particular reason.
Between difficult and uncomfortable looks during dinner and a few serious gestures, they both knew they had to talk. He didn’t want to lose her and she, deep down, needed him as the best friend he had been to her since her wedding.
Now, in the few minutes before everyone would gather in front of the tv, watching the program that would announce the end of the year, they found the perfect occasion to settle the issue once and for all. Aitor wanted to know Pepa’s response, whether it was be positive or negative, because he was at the point of chewing his nails off from the suspense, and he wanted to finally know her feelings.
Sharing a look, they both walked out of the living room to talk at the bottom of the staircase. Pepa wasn’t like Silvia, neither was Aitor like David, and for that reason, the conversation went straight to the heart of the matter and their nerves didn’t impede the words that wanted to come out.
“Look, Aitor, I don’t know much about talking, even less about clearing things up, but the one thing I do know is that you’re my friend, tío. You’ve always been there for me and now after this…well, I don’t know, I don’t want it to break our friendship,” she was quick and clear, even if she seemed a little nervous.
“What I want to know is what it was to you.”
Silence. In part because Pepa had been blocking all thoughts of that night, and also because Pepa had to find an appropriate response.
“Nothing.”
It was so brusque that Aitor felt his heart shatter into a thousand pieces, but he was strong and he was able to respond without stuttering.
“Then I’m sorry for taking advantage of you. I knew you were drunk and even still…” he hit the railing of the staircase. “I’m a fucking idiot!”
“No, I’m the idiot for not knowing how to control myself when I drink. Joder…” she sat down on the stairs reluctantly and ran her hands over her face. “We slept together, Aitor…shit…”
Aitor looked at her wondering if it had really been that bad. Well, it was to be expected, a recently-divorced woman, drunk and a lesbian, sleeping with him when he had always been the typical colleague. He sat down beside her and sighed.
“You know what bothers me the most?” Aitor asked. Pepa didn’t look at him. “That I don’t know if what we did was only because of the alcohol or if you really feel something.”
The brunette lifted her head at that point and looked at him.
“It was because of the alcohol,” she didn’t hesistate in clarifying. The sooner she told him, the sooner the conversation would finish.
Aitor smiled sadly and nodded, staring at the wall. He wasn’t able to look at her either.
“Figures. You’re a girl with a good head on her shoulders, you know if you sleep with someone it’s because you love her, because she loves you and it means something. You’re not the type to sleep with someone just for sex, at least for as long as I’ve known you.”
Pepa shifted her gaze little by little until her eyes landed on a distant spot and she focused there. She suddenly felt as if her heart was being constricted from the guilt and she felt ashamed of herself. Not only had she slept with Aitor while she was drunk, but now, without being sure if she loved Silvia, without knowing if Silvia loved her and even being divorced, she had slept with her the night before. She clenched her fists, the desire to cry came over her, and she had to stand up to go outside to the porch where she could get some fresh air, maybe that would rid her of the urge to cry. And, as if that wasn’t enough, the stress was making her quite nauseated as well.
“You’re emotional, chica,” she said to herself as she walked outside and leaned against the railing. She closed her eyes, not tightly, and breathed deeply several times, not only to calm her stomach, but to keep herself from crying.
She, who wasn’t the type to cry, had been more sensitive recently, hormonally speaking. She was easily depressed and cried often, even if it was just a few tears.
But that night she was able to ward off the tears. She had started to feel like a horrible person while she was speaking with Aitor, but the worst part was that she was starting to realize she couldn’t continue like that, that she had to talk with Silvia even though it terrified her.
As if fate was on her side, the redhead appeared, walking down the porch from the other side of the chalet. She had exited from the kitchen and was staring at the ground as she walked, lost in her thoughts after her conversation with David.
When Pepa saw her, her idea about speaking with Silvia faded. Seeing her there, wrapped in her scarf, with her fingers laced together because of the cold and that lost look on her face, Pepa was stunned by the sight. She couldn’t speak with her. She couldn’t do it because if she did, she’d risk losing what they had now.
Silvia lifted her head and stopped as she realized somebody was nearby. When she saw Pepa leaning against the railing, looking at her thoughtfully, all her worries left her, and though one would think that tension would reappear between them, the opposite actually happened. A feeling of tranquility fell over them, lifting their solitude and relaxing them both, causing them to smile slightly.
“What are you doing here?” The redhead asked.
“Getting some air, I was getting a little dizzy inside with so many people, you know. And you? It’s cold out here.”
“I needed some air, too, I’m not feeling so great.”
A silence that wasn’t at all uncomfortable settled between them and the same sensation of nostalgia passed through both of their minds. In other years, at this time, they were hugging or holding hands, watching the tv and counting down the last few seconds of the year. Now the distance between the women seemed so much greater.
“Titas!” Sara exclaimed as she stuck her head outside. She had an enormous smile on her face. “Come quick! There’s forty seconds left!”
After she said this, she vanished indoors once again and then Pepa and Silvia heard her yelling, giving warning to everyone in the world, preparing them for the countdown. They smiled to alleviate the remembrance of the past and looked at each other. Silvia shrugged her shoulders.
“Well, here comes another year.”
“Another year,” Pepa repeated.
“Shall we? If not, we won’t make it in time for the countdown.”
“Yes, of course.”
They looked at each other for a few more seconds. Both of them wanted to hug and kiss each other, to give each other a small sign of affection that would make the start of the year a little more bearable.
Silvia finally turned around, ready to open the door under the attentive gaze of Pepa who, watching her ex-wife and feeling great pangs in her chest caused by the nerves, the sadness, and the nostalgia, couldn’t contain herself and took Silvia’s wrist, the gentle touch making Silvia turn around again. Pepa softly tugged on Silvia’s hand until she was pressed up against the redhead, and as she heard the voices of her family and friends start the countdown, she caressed Silvia’s face, smiling tenderly.
“Cinco!”
Silvia, hypnotized by Pepa’s eyes, made no move to separate.
“Cuatro!”
Still, the brunette held her firmly by the waist with one hand while the other stayed on the redhead’s warming cheek.
“Tres!”
Silvia, nervous, took a breath and pressed even closer to Pepa.
“Dos!”
She couldn’t take it anymore, and though Pepa was the one who started this by pulling her wrist, it was Silvia who got up on the toes of her heels.
“Uno!”
The redhead’s arms wrapped around Pepa’s neck. The brunette grabbed Silvia’s waist more forcefully and finally their lips united, giving them both the warmth that they so needed.
“Happy New Year!” They heard all the guests yell.
Inside, there was an uproar, the clapping and shouts overtook everything. Outside, there was a kiss more romantic and tender than either of them could’ve imagined, and it also overtook everything. Feelings, memories, tears, laughter, words, lies, excitement, hope…everything. This time, the kiss didn’t intensify to a greater level of sensuality. They both were alright just like that, with their eyes closed, quietly savoring each other’s mouths, enjoying the contact that, without earlier intending to, they were giving each other. Only once did Pepa separate from Silvia to tell her with great affection what they had both heard a lot of that night:
“Happy New Year.”
Silvia smiled.
“Happy New Year.”
And they kissed again, not caring if they were doing the right thing, or if they should be more cautious, or if they were in love or not. Just kissing and being kissed with the cold winter breeze blowing around them, taking away with it the doubts that stopped them from doing what their hearts really wanted.
Links to the original story:
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8481210-por-si-eramos-pocos-01-11-09-23-40/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8680673-por-si-eramos-pocos-ii-28-11-09-21-35/
http://pepaysilvia.mforos.com/1469855/8848739-por-si-eramos-pocos-iii-14-02-10-0-55-finalizado/