Something Like August
The White Room, part one. posted yesterday.
Drew was just leaving as Joey arrived at the canteen door. "Hey, man! Good to have you back." He smote Joey's shoulder, and grinned.
"Thanks, man. It's good to be home." Joey spotted his wingmates seated near the wall, made his way through a collection of friendly hails, and sat down next to Justin. JC, opposite, dealt out the five ration trays. Joey was pleased to see, when he opened the tab, that it was lasagne. As he waited for it to heat up, he popped a tube of beer open and took a long draught. "I needed that," he announced. "Talking is thirsty work."
"How's it going with the compsych?" JC asked anxiously. "Everything okay?"
"Johnny says we'll be back on front line rotation next week," Justin explained. "Assuming you guys are cleared for action. So the compsych session was okay, right?"
"It was fine," said Joey. "You just have to answer a shitload of questions." He unfolded his spork and dug in, hoping the subject was closed. It wasn't like he had nightmares, or anything, and it hadn't been so bad. Would have been a whole lot worse if he'd been captured on his own, he'd been really glad of the company. Except for-but he wasn't going to tell the compsych about that, or anyone else either. And Chris and Lance wouldn't say anything, he was sure. They wouldn't want to, any more than he did.
"Don't worry about it," Lance said calmly. "By the time the tapes get reviewed by actual humans we'll have been back on the line for months anyway."
"Reviewed?"
"The compsychs aren't programmed to diagnose anything," JC said earnestly, "at least, not in detail. They spot the big stuff, of course, but mostly they ask all the questions and the recordings get sent home, well, not home, probably, more likely to Terpsichore Five, but the real shrinks get pretty busy, what with the combat fatigue and people trying to get sent home early and stuff, so like Lance says, it'll be a while before they get reviewed."
"So don't say anything crazy," said Lance, "and the compsych will give us provisional clearance. Which is all they need anyway."
"So long as you're really okay," JC said. "It can be really tough, being captured. There's no shame in-if you need a break, you know, we'll understand." He was trying to divide his gaze between Joey, Lance on his right, and Chris, on the other side of Justin.
"I just want to get flying again," said Lance, firmly.
There was a short silence as they applied themselves to their dinners.
"So what was it like?"
"Justin!" JC frowned at him.
"I'm just askin'! Maybe it'll be me next time. Be nice to know what to expect. I mean."
"Boring," said Chris, flatly.
"Really?" Justin sounded almost disappointed.
"Nothing to do all day but wait for the food slot to open up. Or the toilet."
Justin looked shocked, though Joey couldn't see why. He'd been there, he'd seen the featureless white room. Wasn't exactly VIP facilities with an entertainment suite and a luxurious bathroom. "Trust me, man," Joey said, "after thirty-nine hours solid in the company of these guys, it was a relief to be taken out for questioning."
"They-did they-did they hurt you?" JC, wide eyed and scared of the answer.
"Not really," Lance said in his best indifferent voice. "They knew we didn't have anything useful to tell them. I think it was just to remind us that we weren't in control."
Because being naked with nothing to do and not even in control of the fucking toilet facilities hadn't made it clear to them that they weren't in control.
And it had been a bit more than 'not really'. Joey remembered that bit well enough, but it was true that there hadn't been any real effort to torture them, just some humiliating nastiness from bored personnel with no real status of their own. "Hey," he said cheerfully, "we're front line flyers, what do we know about strategy?"
"So they didn't, like, interrogate you?"
"Justin!"
"JC, it's fine, really," Joey said. "No, no interrogating. And we're okay. The medics checked us out, remember?" For three hours! Poking and prodding and taking samples and checking everything they could get to. "Just surface bruising." The medic had asked him point blank, Were you raped? and thank the stars and everything beyond them he'd been able to say no.
"Good," said Justin, emphatically. "Because we could have done a lot more damage than we did on our way in to get you. I'm just glad we didn't oughtta have, you know?"
"Anyway," said JC, frowning at Justin, which Joey thought was a bit much since he for one wouldn't have minded there being a few more dead Leggies around, "you have your compsych sessions scheduled, and we find out in five days if we're on or not."
"So don't go acting crazy," Lance said. Joey was relieved. Obviously Lance wasn't going to say anything about what happened.
"Oh, we're so screwed," said Justin, grinning. "When did we ever manage to stop Chris acting crazy?"
So Joey got through the psych sessions, putting on his best sincere face for the benefit of the shrinks who'd see this one day, and answering all the questions politely even if some of them were really weird and fucked up. He did his best to avoid Lance and Chris, though, in case they wanted to compare notes. Talking about that shit to the computer was bad enough, he really didn't want to talk about it to people who'd been there.
Steve tried to lure him out to clubs, because Steve was always up for some nightlife unless he was working overtime to get a slightly fried machine back into shape, and normally Joey would have gone, but right now, Joey just wanted to sleep. It was a bit strange, maybe, since while they'd been captured they'd slept a lot, on the grounds there wasn't much else to do unless they'd wanted to drive each other completely insane. But his nice, comfortable bunk was a lot more welcoming than the white floor, and Joey was very happy to crawl under the cover and close his eyes. Anyway, he needed the rest. He'd need to be rested up for when they got back on the line.
And everything was fine. Johnny spoke to them all at the end of the fifth day to say that NSYNC Wing would be shipping back out with the Odysseus for front line duties along with the rest of the squad.
Joey was glad. He was good and ready to fry some League kites.
It felt good, really good, to be back in his kite, to have the triggers under his thumbs again and the familiar roiling in his gut as they dropped away from the Odysseus's hold. To see the distant specks resolve into a League formation, and to set his sights on his target. Joey loved flying at point, nothing behind him to worry about because Chris and Justin at flank and the two wing men behind them would take care of that, all he had to do was spot the weakness in the line ahead and go for it.
He was so ready for this.
* * *
The atmosphere in the debriefing room was hot and excited. They'd never had such a kill count before, never. Thirteen! Fucking amazing! There could have been more, even, Joey knew he could have taken out another couple of kites, no problem, but the League squadron had turned tail and run. Fucking cowards. He grinned as his fellow pilots crowded round NSYNC wing, patting their backs, shaking their hands. The five of them strutted to their places and sat down. The room quieted as Johnny entered and strode to the front.
"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" were his first words. He was staring directly at Joey and his flightmates, and his expression was so far from pleased that Joey began to feel uneasy. Had they done something insane, had they fried Coalie ships as well as Leggies? No, no, because the other pilots would have seen, and said. So what the fuck was Johnny's problem?
He was talking about irresponsibility, about abandoning formation, about recklessness. The fuck? They'd fried thirteen kites today, just the five of them-thirteen! He should be giving each and every one of them a commendation, not this shit. Now he was talking about not sticking to the protocols, not covering one another. So? If maybe Chris had been doing more shooting of his own and not covering Joey so much, hell, Justin was still there on his other flank, and JC at the back. And they were all here, they'd all made it back again. Joey didn't remember hearing any orders from Control, he remembered getting four enemy kites in his sights and watching the bastards fry, and that was just fine with him.
"And you, Lance, what exactly were you doing? Your job is to protect the flyers in front of you-"
"My job," said Lance, coldly, "is to destroy enemy craft. Which I did."
"You know better than that. Your job-"
"My job is to fry the fuckers. I did it. We all did it. So get the fuck off my back." And Lance, ice-cool Lance, Lance who today had actually doubled his personal hit-count, walked out.
Johnny spoke into the stunned silence. "NSYNC wing is grounded. Fix this."
* * *
"You know," Justin said carefully, "maybe Johnny was right."
Joey glared, and Chris snarled. "What, we're grounded for being the most effective wing in the history of ever? Thirteen kills, Justin! Thirteen! Are you just pissed because you only got one of them?"
"No!"
"We're pissed," said JC, "because we thought you three were dead. You were way out of line, all of you. J and I had to cover everyone's back, except we couldn't because you were all over the place. You weren't thinking of the wing, you weren't thinking at all. We were both calling for formation, and Control was telling us where they wanted us to hit, and you weren't even listening. And Lance! I don't know why he isn't dead. I was flying like a lunatic trying to keep him covered, but he went in so close to that sloop that I just couldn't get a position on it, and I thought he was going to ram the thing, and, man, when it pulled out and crashed into the cruiser I only just got my kite clear and I would have sworn Lance got fried along with the sloop. I could hardly believe it when I saw his kite still flying."
"Yeah," said Justin, soberly. "I heard JC scream and I thought for sure Lance was gone."
Joey didn't even remember hearing JC scream. In fact, he couldn't remember hearing any commands after the go order, only the enemy under his guns and the bright disintegrating ships.
"It was crazy," said Justin. "Scary." Cocky, confident Justin shouldn't look like that.
Maybe... maybe he was right.
"So," said JC. " Do you two wanna explain what the fuck you were doing out there?"
"No," said Chris, and folded his arms.
"We have to fix this. Or next time out, we'll all be fried." Chris and JC scowled at one another.
"Yeah, if Johnny even lets us out again. We're grounded, don't forget," Justin pointed out. "I'm gonna go find Lance. Britney's on shift in Security, she'll scan the ship for me." He headed for the door, and Joey jumped up. "I'll help you," he said, and slid through the aperture before JC could protest.
"I don't really need-" Justin began as the door slid shut behind them. He'd be glad of the chance for some time with his girl, even if it was only in Scanning, Joey knew, and he pasted an easy smile onto his face.
"No worries, J, I have a couple of ideas for places Lance goes when he wants to be on his own. I'll catch you later."
"Well, uh, okay, but-"
Joey hurried down the corridor. Let Justin go to Security, much good it would do him. Joey was going to check Lance's quarters first. If Lance wasn't there, if he didn't want to be found, he'd be well and truly hidden, somewhere the scanners wouldn't find him.
It took a while, but eventually Joey tracked Lance down. Next level out from the Engine Room, where the mindless hum of the reactor was impossible to escape. Joey didn't like it down here. He knew that the shield was good, he knew that if the shield wasn't working, nowhere on the Odysseus was safe and this place was no worse than anywhere else, but still, it made him shiver, being so close. Maybe Lance didn't need to worry about his fertility, but Joey was planning on having a family some day, when the war was over, if it ever was.
Anyway, there was Lance, tucked in between two gigantic tanks, resting his head on his knees.
"Hey," said Joey.
"Hey." Lance looked worn out, none of that cold anger remaining from, what, two hours ago. Joey sighed, and squeezed himself into the gap. There wasn't room to sit sideways, so he settled down, mirroring Lance, toe to toe.
"You okay?"
Lance shrugged.
"JC wants us to get this shit sorted," Joey said. "He, um, seemed to think Johnny was right about things."
"I guess," said Lance, wearily. "I don't-I don't want to fly like that again."
"Mmm," said Joey. He wasn't quite sure how to proceed. "But you did a hell of a job, you know? Five down, and one of them ten times your size."
"Yeah." Lance nodded. "I really wanted to kill them, you know? It was the only thing in my mind, kill them all."
"Well, that's good, isn't it? I mean, like you said, that's our job."
"Not my job. I know what I said to Johnny, but it's really not my job to do the frying. I'm the wing man. I protect Chris, and you, and the others if JC gets caught out. You or Chris or one of the Js could have been killed out there and I didn't even think about that, I just, I just, they were the enemy, I just wanted to. You know."
"Yeah." The enemy under his guns, and disintegrating ships. Joey reached out and grasped Lance's knee. "Man, it's okay. We're alive, we can get through this. I mean, I guess," he tried not to sound like the compsych, "we're gonna resent them for what they put us through. We were prisoners, man, we had nothing. Of course we were angry."
"Angry, yeah, I was angry. I never felt quite like that before. But it doesn't-the problem's still there. The problem's still me."
"No, man, you didn't do anything wrong, we were all-"
"I raped Chris."
continued tomorrow
Drew was just leaving as Joey arrived at the canteen door. "Hey, man! Good to have you back." He smote Joey's shoulder, and grinned.
"Thanks, man. It's good to be home." Joey spotted his wingmates seated near the wall, made his way through a collection of friendly hails, and sat down next to Justin. JC, opposite, dealt out the five ration trays. Joey was pleased to see, when he opened the tab, that it was lasagne. As he waited for it to heat up, he popped a tube of beer open and took a long draught. "I needed that," he announced. "Talking is thirsty work."
"How's it going with the compsych?" JC asked anxiously. "Everything okay?"
"Johnny says we'll be back on front line rotation next week," Justin explained. "Assuming you guys are cleared for action. So the compsych session was okay, right?"
"It was fine," said Joey. "You just have to answer a shitload of questions." He unfolded his spork and dug in, hoping the subject was closed. It wasn't like he had nightmares, or anything, and it hadn't been so bad. Would have been a whole lot worse if he'd been captured on his own, he'd been really glad of the company. Except for-but he wasn't going to tell the compsych about that, or anyone else either. And Chris and Lance wouldn't say anything, he was sure. They wouldn't want to, any more than he did.
"Don't worry about it," Lance said calmly. "By the time the tapes get reviewed by actual humans we'll have been back on the line for months anyway."
"Reviewed?"
"The compsychs aren't programmed to diagnose anything," JC said earnestly, "at least, not in detail. They spot the big stuff, of course, but mostly they ask all the questions and the recordings get sent home, well, not home, probably, more likely to Terpsichore Five, but the real shrinks get pretty busy, what with the combat fatigue and people trying to get sent home early and stuff, so like Lance says, it'll be a while before they get reviewed."
"So don't say anything crazy," said Lance, "and the compsych will give us provisional clearance. Which is all they need anyway."
"So long as you're really okay," JC said. "It can be really tough, being captured. There's no shame in-if you need a break, you know, we'll understand." He was trying to divide his gaze between Joey, Lance on his right, and Chris, on the other side of Justin.
"I just want to get flying again," said Lance, firmly.
There was a short silence as they applied themselves to their dinners.
"So what was it like?"
"Justin!" JC frowned at him.
"I'm just askin'! Maybe it'll be me next time. Be nice to know what to expect. I mean."
"Boring," said Chris, flatly.
"Really?" Justin sounded almost disappointed.
"Nothing to do all day but wait for the food slot to open up. Or the toilet."
Justin looked shocked, though Joey couldn't see why. He'd been there, he'd seen the featureless white room. Wasn't exactly VIP facilities with an entertainment suite and a luxurious bathroom. "Trust me, man," Joey said, "after thirty-nine hours solid in the company of these guys, it was a relief to be taken out for questioning."
"They-did they-did they hurt you?" JC, wide eyed and scared of the answer.
"Not really," Lance said in his best indifferent voice. "They knew we didn't have anything useful to tell them. I think it was just to remind us that we weren't in control."
Because being naked with nothing to do and not even in control of the fucking toilet facilities hadn't made it clear to them that they weren't in control.
And it had been a bit more than 'not really'. Joey remembered that bit well enough, but it was true that there hadn't been any real effort to torture them, just some humiliating nastiness from bored personnel with no real status of their own. "Hey," he said cheerfully, "we're front line flyers, what do we know about strategy?"
"So they didn't, like, interrogate you?"
"Justin!"
"JC, it's fine, really," Joey said. "No, no interrogating. And we're okay. The medics checked us out, remember?" For three hours! Poking and prodding and taking samples and checking everything they could get to. "Just surface bruising." The medic had asked him point blank, Were you raped? and thank the stars and everything beyond them he'd been able to say no.
"Good," said Justin, emphatically. "Because we could have done a lot more damage than we did on our way in to get you. I'm just glad we didn't oughtta have, you know?"
"Anyway," said JC, frowning at Justin, which Joey thought was a bit much since he for one wouldn't have minded there being a few more dead Leggies around, "you have your compsych sessions scheduled, and we find out in five days if we're on or not."
"So don't go acting crazy," Lance said. Joey was relieved. Obviously Lance wasn't going to say anything about what happened.
"Oh, we're so screwed," said Justin, grinning. "When did we ever manage to stop Chris acting crazy?"
So Joey got through the psych sessions, putting on his best sincere face for the benefit of the shrinks who'd see this one day, and answering all the questions politely even if some of them were really weird and fucked up. He did his best to avoid Lance and Chris, though, in case they wanted to compare notes. Talking about that shit to the computer was bad enough, he really didn't want to talk about it to people who'd been there.
Steve tried to lure him out to clubs, because Steve was always up for some nightlife unless he was working overtime to get a slightly fried machine back into shape, and normally Joey would have gone, but right now, Joey just wanted to sleep. It was a bit strange, maybe, since while they'd been captured they'd slept a lot, on the grounds there wasn't much else to do unless they'd wanted to drive each other completely insane. But his nice, comfortable bunk was a lot more welcoming than the white floor, and Joey was very happy to crawl under the cover and close his eyes. Anyway, he needed the rest. He'd need to be rested up for when they got back on the line.
And everything was fine. Johnny spoke to them all at the end of the fifth day to say that NSYNC Wing would be shipping back out with the Odysseus for front line duties along with the rest of the squad.
Joey was glad. He was good and ready to fry some League kites.
It felt good, really good, to be back in his kite, to have the triggers under his thumbs again and the familiar roiling in his gut as they dropped away from the Odysseus's hold. To see the distant specks resolve into a League formation, and to set his sights on his target. Joey loved flying at point, nothing behind him to worry about because Chris and Justin at flank and the two wing men behind them would take care of that, all he had to do was spot the weakness in the line ahead and go for it.
He was so ready for this.
* * *
The atmosphere in the debriefing room was hot and excited. They'd never had such a kill count before, never. Thirteen! Fucking amazing! There could have been more, even, Joey knew he could have taken out another couple of kites, no problem, but the League squadron had turned tail and run. Fucking cowards. He grinned as his fellow pilots crowded round NSYNC wing, patting their backs, shaking their hands. The five of them strutted to their places and sat down. The room quieted as Johnny entered and strode to the front.
"What the fuck did you think you were doing?" were his first words. He was staring directly at Joey and his flightmates, and his expression was so far from pleased that Joey began to feel uneasy. Had they done something insane, had they fried Coalie ships as well as Leggies? No, no, because the other pilots would have seen, and said. So what the fuck was Johnny's problem?
He was talking about irresponsibility, about abandoning formation, about recklessness. The fuck? They'd fried thirteen kites today, just the five of them-thirteen! He should be giving each and every one of them a commendation, not this shit. Now he was talking about not sticking to the protocols, not covering one another. So? If maybe Chris had been doing more shooting of his own and not covering Joey so much, hell, Justin was still there on his other flank, and JC at the back. And they were all here, they'd all made it back again. Joey didn't remember hearing any orders from Control, he remembered getting four enemy kites in his sights and watching the bastards fry, and that was just fine with him.
"And you, Lance, what exactly were you doing? Your job is to protect the flyers in front of you-"
"My job," said Lance, coldly, "is to destroy enemy craft. Which I did."
"You know better than that. Your job-"
"My job is to fry the fuckers. I did it. We all did it. So get the fuck off my back." And Lance, ice-cool Lance, Lance who today had actually doubled his personal hit-count, walked out.
Johnny spoke into the stunned silence. "NSYNC wing is grounded. Fix this."
* * *
"You know," Justin said carefully, "maybe Johnny was right."
Joey glared, and Chris snarled. "What, we're grounded for being the most effective wing in the history of ever? Thirteen kills, Justin! Thirteen! Are you just pissed because you only got one of them?"
"No!"
"We're pissed," said JC, "because we thought you three were dead. You were way out of line, all of you. J and I had to cover everyone's back, except we couldn't because you were all over the place. You weren't thinking of the wing, you weren't thinking at all. We were both calling for formation, and Control was telling us where they wanted us to hit, and you weren't even listening. And Lance! I don't know why he isn't dead. I was flying like a lunatic trying to keep him covered, but he went in so close to that sloop that I just couldn't get a position on it, and I thought he was going to ram the thing, and, man, when it pulled out and crashed into the cruiser I only just got my kite clear and I would have sworn Lance got fried along with the sloop. I could hardly believe it when I saw his kite still flying."
"Yeah," said Justin, soberly. "I heard JC scream and I thought for sure Lance was gone."
Joey didn't even remember hearing JC scream. In fact, he couldn't remember hearing any commands after the go order, only the enemy under his guns and the bright disintegrating ships.
"It was crazy," said Justin. "Scary." Cocky, confident Justin shouldn't look like that.
Maybe... maybe he was right.
"So," said JC. " Do you two wanna explain what the fuck you were doing out there?"
"No," said Chris, and folded his arms.
"We have to fix this. Or next time out, we'll all be fried." Chris and JC scowled at one another.
"Yeah, if Johnny even lets us out again. We're grounded, don't forget," Justin pointed out. "I'm gonna go find Lance. Britney's on shift in Security, she'll scan the ship for me." He headed for the door, and Joey jumped up. "I'll help you," he said, and slid through the aperture before JC could protest.
"I don't really need-" Justin began as the door slid shut behind them. He'd be glad of the chance for some time with his girl, even if it was only in Scanning, Joey knew, and he pasted an easy smile onto his face.
"No worries, J, I have a couple of ideas for places Lance goes when he wants to be on his own. I'll catch you later."
"Well, uh, okay, but-"
Joey hurried down the corridor. Let Justin go to Security, much good it would do him. Joey was going to check Lance's quarters first. If Lance wasn't there, if he didn't want to be found, he'd be well and truly hidden, somewhere the scanners wouldn't find him.
It took a while, but eventually Joey tracked Lance down. Next level out from the Engine Room, where the mindless hum of the reactor was impossible to escape. Joey didn't like it down here. He knew that the shield was good, he knew that if the shield wasn't working, nowhere on the Odysseus was safe and this place was no worse than anywhere else, but still, it made him shiver, being so close. Maybe Lance didn't need to worry about his fertility, but Joey was planning on having a family some day, when the war was over, if it ever was.
Anyway, there was Lance, tucked in between two gigantic tanks, resting his head on his knees.
"Hey," said Joey.
"Hey." Lance looked worn out, none of that cold anger remaining from, what, two hours ago. Joey sighed, and squeezed himself into the gap. There wasn't room to sit sideways, so he settled down, mirroring Lance, toe to toe.
"You okay?"
Lance shrugged.
"JC wants us to get this shit sorted," Joey said. "He, um, seemed to think Johnny was right about things."
"I guess," said Lance, wearily. "I don't-I don't want to fly like that again."
"Mmm," said Joey. He wasn't quite sure how to proceed. "But you did a hell of a job, you know? Five down, and one of them ten times your size."
"Yeah." Lance nodded. "I really wanted to kill them, you know? It was the only thing in my mind, kill them all."
"Well, that's good, isn't it? I mean, like you said, that's our job."
"Not my job. I know what I said to Johnny, but it's really not my job to do the frying. I'm the wing man. I protect Chris, and you, and the others if JC gets caught out. You or Chris or one of the Js could have been killed out there and I didn't even think about that, I just, I just, they were the enemy, I just wanted to. You know."
"Yeah." The enemy under his guns, and disintegrating ships. Joey reached out and grasped Lance's knee. "Man, it's okay. We're alive, we can get through this. I mean, I guess," he tried not to sound like the compsych, "we're gonna resent them for what they put us through. We were prisoners, man, we had nothing. Of course we were angry."
"Angry, yeah, I was angry. I never felt quite like that before. But it doesn't-the problem's still there. The problem's still me."
"No, man, you didn't do anything wrong, we were all-"
"I raped Chris."
continued tomorrow