Fic: With Apologies to O Henry (1/1)
Fic: With Apologies to O Henry (1/1) A Chance Winchesterverse Story
Summary: Baby Chance Winchester meets the most Inept kidnappers in history.
Author: pen37
Fandoms: Supernatural/Smallville
Pairing:Chloe/Dean
Rating: PG
Beta:Clarksmuse
Warning: Crack. Extreme crack.
Written for the Crossovers100 challenge. Prompt #77 Trees The table is here.
Also for firstline_fic Challenges Week #27. "Some Days you just shouldn't get out of bed."
Some Days you just shouldn't get out of bed.
Their names were Lemmy and Harley, and they were just dumb enough to think they were smart. Lemmy had a plan: find a kid, and hold him for ransom. But not some rich kid. Rich kids had rich parents who could afford expensive bodyguards.
Instead, they chose the kid of some reporter chick.
It was a no brainer, Lemmy explained. The broad had just won a Pulitzer Prize - and a bundle of money to go with it. The way Lemmy figured it, she'd be so frantic to have the kid back that she would gladly give up her extra cash to get him.
Harley wasn't so sure. He'd actually read some of her work. She didn't write like some dainty girl. So what if she wasn't quite as helpless as Lemmy thought? Lemmy wasn't worried, though. She was a mom. Weren't moms supposed to be helpless?
Their first attempt to grab the kid was while the lady was in the park with him, feeding ducks.
Lemmy wasn't sure what happened. One minute, he was jumping out at the mom. The next, he was on the ground, hurting in the unmentionables and singing soprano. Harley watched him fall, took one look at her, screamed like a little girl, and ran away.
Later, when Harl helped him away before the cops showed up, they decided to maybe grab the kid when his dad had him.
The dad had a garage in this podunk town with a podunk name. Lemmy knew it would be easier to grab the kid there if the dad was working on cars. After all, how much attention would he be paying to a toddler in a playpen in the corner of the shop?
They found out just how much when they tried to sneak in. One moment, the dad was bopping around the shop, singing along to Led Zeppelin. The next, he was standing between them and the kid, holding a shotgun.
Lemmy and Harley looked at each other, screamed and ran. On the way out, the dad shot them in the unmentionables with rock salt.
#
“Lem?” Harley said uncertainly as they watched the mom and dad push the kid on the swings. “I'm thinking we should pick a different family.”
“Would you check this out?” Lemmy said as he stared incredulously through his binoculars at the family. “They're makin' out right in front of the kid!”
“You're not fooling me!” he yelled in frustration. “You're only pretending to ignore the kid! The second I get too close, you'll kick my --”
“Lem?” Harley asked cautiously. A vaguely unsettled expression crossed his face.
“What?” Lemmy looked at him with crazy eyes.
“Let's just pick a different kid.”
“Oh no. That's our kid.” Lemmy shook his head.
Harley sighed and covered his face with his hands. He knew that no good would come of this.
#
To save their unmentionables, they decided to grab the kid when mom and dad weren't around. A few days later, they got their chance.
The kid was playing with a little dark-haired girl in a sand box under the watchful eye of an older, blonde cousin. This time, when they jumped out, the little blonde girl looked up with wide blue eyes, and promptly threw them into a tree.
“Lem?” Harley asked as they climbed down from their perch. “You ready to give up yet?” Before Lemmy could answer, a tall, bald guy approached.
The two con-men recognized him by the cut of his suit as one of those rich guys that they'd been trying to stay away from. He looked up at them, and Harley suddenly understood what the little white mice in a lab felt like when the scientists started saying things about biopsies and dissections.
“May I ask what you are doing?”
“We . . .” Lemmy started.
“Uh . . .” Harley finished.
“That's what I thought,” Baldy said. “I'm going to give you a piece of advice. The little girl you tried to grab is my progeny. Try it again and I'll see to it that you're never heard from again.”
In that moment, Harley's life flashed before him. It was way too short and ended with cement overshoes. “We were after the boy!” he said desperately.
Cue Ball blinked at that. Then he smiled slowly, and chuckled. “Really?”
The two of them nodded in an exaggerated fashion.
Still laughing, the bald man turned to leave.
“Aren't you going to threaten us again?” Lemmy asked.
“If through some miracle you two manage to grab that child, you will sincerely regret it,” Baldy said in such an offhand way that Harley was certain that it wasn't a threat. But it sounded ominous, nonetheless.
When they were down from the tree, Lemmy growled in frustration and stomped away to the car. Harley knew not to say anything. He followed Lem back to the vehicle, and got in. Then he opened his mouth.
“No,” Lemmy cut him off.
“I just --”
“Huh uh.”
“But.”
“Zip it, Harl.”
Harley sighed. He stared at Lem balefully. In the silence, they could clearly hear a child's laugh.
The two of them looked at each other slowly.
Then they looked back slowly.
The kid was sitting in the backseat, grabbing at his tiny shoes with his chubby fists.
They looked at each other again. Then Lemmy wordlessly started the car. The kid continued to chuckle, which left Harley with a sinking feeling.
#
Despite Harley's premonition of impending doom, the kid was pretty easy to care for. They fed him Mac and Cheese, and put him to bed in the top drawer of their motel room dresser. Then they went to sleep.
A growl in the middle of the night woke Harley. He opened his eyes slowly. A pair of glowing red eyes stared back at him from the dark. He scrambled to his knees and clicked on the bedside lamp. There stood a big, black, bony dog.
“Lem?” Harley's voice climbed into the soprano range as he tried to crab-crawl up the wall.
“Whuzza?” Lemmy opened an eye, and then sat up. “What the -- ?”
Just then, the door bounced inward as if kicked. In stormed the kid's dad and a taller guy. Both had guns, and both moved like they were in an episode o f COPS. The dad looked at the dog and shook his head. “Irish wolfhound my ass,” he muttered. Then he looked at Lem and Harl. A slow, scary-kind of grin crossed his face. “Sam, why don't you make sure Chance is okay?”
“Why me?” Sam sounded kind of whiny.
“Because Dog likes you more than me,” Dad snarked at Sam. “Must be an Antichrist thing.”
Sam rolled his eyes and crossed the room to pick up the baby. The monster broke off growling and whined, rubbing up against Sam's pant leg. Sam rolled his eyes, reached down, and scratched behind its ears. In response, its large pink tongue lolled out from between razor sharp fangs.
Sam chuckled at that and rolled his eyes. Then, he scooped the kid up, bounced him around a little bit, and then held him where the hell beast could see. The animal licked at the kid's face.
“Who’s a good demon dog? Is it you? I bet it is!” Sam made baby talk at the monster.
“Sam,” Dad said with an exasperated huff. “Don't let him lick Chance's face. You don't know where he's been!”
Sam looked thoughtful. “Actually . . .”
“Let me rephrase that. I don't want to know where he's been.” Dad sounded like his default mood was exasperated at the world.
“Fine.” Sam rolled his eyes.
Lemmy gulped, and stared at Harley with wide eyes. Harley returned the expression with a concerned one of his own. Apparently they'd kidnapped the child of the Addams family. That explained Uncle Fester back at the park. If they lived through this, he was never letting Lemmy do the thinking again.
At that point, Dad seemed to remember them. He turned to regard them with that scary grin again. “So,” he hooked one foot around a chair, and pulled it to him. Then he straddled it and sat, staring at the two of them.
Harley shifted uncomfortably. Somehow he preferred to be alone in the room with the baby and the dog than the scary dad and his Antichrist friend.
“Any particular reason you guys took my kid?”
It didn't take much: scary Dad's scary smile and a growl from the monster, and Lemmy and Harley cracked. The whole story poured out of them. The kidnapping plot, the ransom and everything that had gone wrong. When they were finished, Scary Dad looked at Antichrist Sam and shrugged.
“Sam, put the kid back.”
Sam looked like he wanted to argue, but a look from Scary Dad stopped him.
“Back?” Harley screamed.
“You're going to leave the kid and Cujo with us?”
“Yep.” Scary Dad nodded. “His mom and I need a break, and you two seem to be taking good care of him.”
Harley didn't even want to think about the mom. She was the one who got them into this mess with her Pulitzer Prize. She was obviously some kind of demonic succubus. Reporting was obviously just some kind of cover.
“Dean?” This time it was Sam's turn to protest.
“What?” Scary Dad Dean said.
“You can't leave him with us!” Lemmy said.
“Why not?” Dean said. “I've got a vicious hell beast here that's going to make sure you take good care of the kid. I'll be back in a week or so to pick him up.”
“What kind of dad are you?”Lemmy looked at him incredulously.
“The kind who is real damn good at makin' kids, if you know what I mean.” Scary Dad winked at him.
“Don't leave him here!” Harley said. “We'll give you anything!”
“How much you got in your wallet?” Dean looked thoughtful.
Negotiations were brief, but soon Lemmy and Harley surrendered their cash. As Dean carried the kid out, the hell beast stopped and growled at them.
“Dog,” Sam stopped to glare at him. “Bad hellhound. Bad, bad hellhound.”
The dog whimpered, and buried its nose in its massive paws.
“Well? Come on.” He nodded to the exit.
The dog let out a joyful bark before trotting after them.
“Harl?” Lemmy asked when they'd left.
“Yeah Lem?”
“I here Yuma is nice this time of year.”
“Lem?”
“Yeah Harl?”
“Shut up.”
#
Sam looks up, straight at you, and smiles.
“Uh . . . hi? I think this is the part where I deliver an important lesson, right?”
Off to the side, where you can't see him, Dean yells at Sam. “Get on with it, Sammy! You're on diaper duty!”
“Right . . . right.” Sam clears his throat. “In today's story, Lemmy and Harley kidnapped Chance to make a quick buck.
“Kids, don't resort to kidnapping to earn a living. You never know. . . The kid you take just might be able to summon Hellhounds.”
“Yeah!” Dean adds from just outside the fourth wall. “Stick with something safe like poker. Or credit card scams.”
Sam sighs. “They never taught lessons like this on Thundercats.”
“Your lips are moving, but I see no diapers being changed,” Dean calls out. “Quit messing around with that plot hole and get over here!”
Sam rolls his eyes heavenward in a silent plea for patience. “See you later, folks!”
Summary: Baby Chance Winchester meets the most Inept kidnappers in history.
Author: pen37
Fandoms: Supernatural/Smallville
Pairing:Chloe/Dean
Rating: PG
Beta:Clarksmuse
Warning: Crack. Extreme crack.
Written for the Crossovers100 challenge. Prompt #77 Trees The table is here.
Also for firstline_fic Challenges Week #27. "Some Days you just shouldn't get out of bed."
Some Days you just shouldn't get out of bed.
Their names were Lemmy and Harley, and they were just dumb enough to think they were smart. Lemmy had a plan: find a kid, and hold him for ransom. But not some rich kid. Rich kids had rich parents who could afford expensive bodyguards.
Instead, they chose the kid of some reporter chick.
It was a no brainer, Lemmy explained. The broad had just won a Pulitzer Prize - and a bundle of money to go with it. The way Lemmy figured it, she'd be so frantic to have the kid back that she would gladly give up her extra cash to get him.
Harley wasn't so sure. He'd actually read some of her work. She didn't write like some dainty girl. So what if she wasn't quite as helpless as Lemmy thought? Lemmy wasn't worried, though. She was a mom. Weren't moms supposed to be helpless?
Their first attempt to grab the kid was while the lady was in the park with him, feeding ducks.
Lemmy wasn't sure what happened. One minute, he was jumping out at the mom. The next, he was on the ground, hurting in the unmentionables and singing soprano. Harley watched him fall, took one look at her, screamed like a little girl, and ran away.
Later, when Harl helped him away before the cops showed up, they decided to maybe grab the kid when his dad had him.
The dad had a garage in this podunk town with a podunk name. Lemmy knew it would be easier to grab the kid there if the dad was working on cars. After all, how much attention would he be paying to a toddler in a playpen in the corner of the shop?
They found out just how much when they tried to sneak in. One moment, the dad was bopping around the shop, singing along to Led Zeppelin. The next, he was standing between them and the kid, holding a shotgun.
Lemmy and Harley looked at each other, screamed and ran. On the way out, the dad shot them in the unmentionables with rock salt.
#
“Lem?” Harley said uncertainly as they watched the mom and dad push the kid on the swings. “I'm thinking we should pick a different family.”
“Would you check this out?” Lemmy said as he stared incredulously through his binoculars at the family. “They're makin' out right in front of the kid!”
“You're not fooling me!” he yelled in frustration. “You're only pretending to ignore the kid! The second I get too close, you'll kick my --”
“Lem?” Harley asked cautiously. A vaguely unsettled expression crossed his face.
“What?” Lemmy looked at him with crazy eyes.
“Let's just pick a different kid.”
“Oh no. That's our kid.” Lemmy shook his head.
Harley sighed and covered his face with his hands. He knew that no good would come of this.
#
To save their unmentionables, they decided to grab the kid when mom and dad weren't around. A few days later, they got their chance.
The kid was playing with a little dark-haired girl in a sand box under the watchful eye of an older, blonde cousin. This time, when they jumped out, the little blonde girl looked up with wide blue eyes, and promptly threw them into a tree.
“Lem?” Harley asked as they climbed down from their perch. “You ready to give up yet?” Before Lemmy could answer, a tall, bald guy approached.
The two con-men recognized him by the cut of his suit as one of those rich guys that they'd been trying to stay away from. He looked up at them, and Harley suddenly understood what the little white mice in a lab felt like when the scientists started saying things about biopsies and dissections.
“May I ask what you are doing?”
“We . . .” Lemmy started.
“Uh . . .” Harley finished.
“That's what I thought,” Baldy said. “I'm going to give you a piece of advice. The little girl you tried to grab is my progeny. Try it again and I'll see to it that you're never heard from again.”
In that moment, Harley's life flashed before him. It was way too short and ended with cement overshoes. “We were after the boy!” he said desperately.
Cue Ball blinked at that. Then he smiled slowly, and chuckled. “Really?”
The two of them nodded in an exaggerated fashion.
Still laughing, the bald man turned to leave.
“Aren't you going to threaten us again?” Lemmy asked.
“If through some miracle you two manage to grab that child, you will sincerely regret it,” Baldy said in such an offhand way that Harley was certain that it wasn't a threat. But it sounded ominous, nonetheless.
When they were down from the tree, Lemmy growled in frustration and stomped away to the car. Harley knew not to say anything. He followed Lem back to the vehicle, and got in. Then he opened his mouth.
“No,” Lemmy cut him off.
“I just --”
“Huh uh.”
“But.”
“Zip it, Harl.”
Harley sighed. He stared at Lem balefully. In the silence, they could clearly hear a child's laugh.
The two of them looked at each other slowly.
Then they looked back slowly.
The kid was sitting in the backseat, grabbing at his tiny shoes with his chubby fists.
They looked at each other again. Then Lemmy wordlessly started the car. The kid continued to chuckle, which left Harley with a sinking feeling.
#
Despite Harley's premonition of impending doom, the kid was pretty easy to care for. They fed him Mac and Cheese, and put him to bed in the top drawer of their motel room dresser. Then they went to sleep.
A growl in the middle of the night woke Harley. He opened his eyes slowly. A pair of glowing red eyes stared back at him from the dark. He scrambled to his knees and clicked on the bedside lamp. There stood a big, black, bony dog.
“Lem?” Harley's voice climbed into the soprano range as he tried to crab-crawl up the wall.
“Whuzza?” Lemmy opened an eye, and then sat up. “What the -- ?”
Just then, the door bounced inward as if kicked. In stormed the kid's dad and a taller guy. Both had guns, and both moved like they were in an episode o f COPS. The dad looked at the dog and shook his head. “Irish wolfhound my ass,” he muttered. Then he looked at Lem and Harl. A slow, scary-kind of grin crossed his face. “Sam, why don't you make sure Chance is okay?”
“Why me?” Sam sounded kind of whiny.
“Because Dog likes you more than me,” Dad snarked at Sam. “Must be an Antichrist thing.”
Sam rolled his eyes and crossed the room to pick up the baby. The monster broke off growling and whined, rubbing up against Sam's pant leg. Sam rolled his eyes, reached down, and scratched behind its ears. In response, its large pink tongue lolled out from between razor sharp fangs.
Sam chuckled at that and rolled his eyes. Then, he scooped the kid up, bounced him around a little bit, and then held him where the hell beast could see. The animal licked at the kid's face.
“Who’s a good demon dog? Is it you? I bet it is!” Sam made baby talk at the monster.
“Sam,” Dad said with an exasperated huff. “Don't let him lick Chance's face. You don't know where he's been!”
Sam looked thoughtful. “Actually . . .”
“Let me rephrase that. I don't want to know where he's been.” Dad sounded like his default mood was exasperated at the world.
“Fine.” Sam rolled his eyes.
Lemmy gulped, and stared at Harley with wide eyes. Harley returned the expression with a concerned one of his own. Apparently they'd kidnapped the child of the Addams family. That explained Uncle Fester back at the park. If they lived through this, he was never letting Lemmy do the thinking again.
At that point, Dad seemed to remember them. He turned to regard them with that scary grin again. “So,” he hooked one foot around a chair, and pulled it to him. Then he straddled it and sat, staring at the two of them.
Harley shifted uncomfortably. Somehow he preferred to be alone in the room with the baby and the dog than the scary dad and his Antichrist friend.
“Any particular reason you guys took my kid?”
It didn't take much: scary Dad's scary smile and a growl from the monster, and Lemmy and Harley cracked. The whole story poured out of them. The kidnapping plot, the ransom and everything that had gone wrong. When they were finished, Scary Dad looked at Antichrist Sam and shrugged.
“Sam, put the kid back.”
Sam looked like he wanted to argue, but a look from Scary Dad stopped him.
“Back?” Harley screamed.
“You're going to leave the kid and Cujo with us?”
“Yep.” Scary Dad nodded. “His mom and I need a break, and you two seem to be taking good care of him.”
Harley didn't even want to think about the mom. She was the one who got them into this mess with her Pulitzer Prize. She was obviously some kind of demonic succubus. Reporting was obviously just some kind of cover.
“Dean?” This time it was Sam's turn to protest.
“What?” Scary Dad Dean said.
“You can't leave him with us!” Lemmy said.
“Why not?” Dean said. “I've got a vicious hell beast here that's going to make sure you take good care of the kid. I'll be back in a week or so to pick him up.”
“What kind of dad are you?”Lemmy looked at him incredulously.
“The kind who is real damn good at makin' kids, if you know what I mean.” Scary Dad winked at him.
“Don't leave him here!” Harley said. “We'll give you anything!”
“How much you got in your wallet?” Dean looked thoughtful.
Negotiations were brief, but soon Lemmy and Harley surrendered their cash. As Dean carried the kid out, the hell beast stopped and growled at them.
“Dog,” Sam stopped to glare at him. “Bad hellhound. Bad, bad hellhound.”
The dog whimpered, and buried its nose in its massive paws.
“Well? Come on.” He nodded to the exit.
The dog let out a joyful bark before trotting after them.
“Harl?” Lemmy asked when they'd left.
“Yeah Lem?”
“I here Yuma is nice this time of year.”
“Lem?”
“Yeah Harl?”
“Shut up.”
#
Sam looks up, straight at you, and smiles.
“Uh . . . hi? I think this is the part where I deliver an important lesson, right?”
Off to the side, where you can't see him, Dean yells at Sam. “Get on with it, Sammy! You're on diaper duty!”
“Right . . . right.” Sam clears his throat. “In today's story, Lemmy and Harley kidnapped Chance to make a quick buck.
“Kids, don't resort to kidnapping to earn a living. You never know. . . The kid you take just might be able to summon Hellhounds.”
“Yeah!” Dean adds from just outside the fourth wall. “Stick with something safe like poker. Or credit card scams.”
Sam sighs. “They never taught lessons like this on Thundercats.”
“Your lips are moving, but I see no diapers being changed,” Dean calls out. “Quit messing around with that plot hole and get over here!”
Sam rolls his eyes heavenward in a silent plea for patience. “See you later, folks!”