The fear of disappearing

[pegkerr]

Maybe it's giving up a writing career and then giving up karate and not knowing what, exactly, will replace it

Comments

[mizzlaurajean]

If you could do whatever you wanted what would that be? Just curious.

Maybe letting those other things go is just getting you ready for new things and that's okay.

I find working full time completely draining especially when it keeps me from doing the other things I'd rather be doing. I have yet to find a job that pays and meets my interest/needs/desires etc. But I keep trying. I take solace in being able to reinvent myself and try something new that gets me closer to spending my time in ways that are fulfilling.

[pegkerr]

One of my soul collage cards is of the Mirror of Erised. Don't know if you've read the Harry Potter books, but that is one of the coolest things from the first book: a magical mirror that if you look in it you will not necessarily see your face, but instead your heart's desire. I have long been fascinated by the concept--not just because the scene where it first appears is one of the most poignant in all of children's literature. I made the card because I was going through another period of fretting about what it is that I want to do with my life. I've joked at times that I need a crystal ball to discern what I really want. Or rather, I need the Mirror of Erised to show my own desires to me. Perhaps it is because I have been a caretaker for so long--I have been working so hard to make other people's needs possible that I have totally lost my ability to discern my own.

[mizzlaurajean]

Well taking some time to just be and figure that out seems like a good place to start.

[tassie_gal]

I know Miss Elinor Dashwood doesn't share on this journal, but is there any way she could maybe write out locked entries that no one can read, just to give you some brain space? You are an amazing woman - and sometimes reading your journal I feel like you don't actually realise this

[pegkerr]

I do have some locked entries where I talk about some of the things I've been going through with a much smaller group.

But some of this, of course, is stuff I simply must figure out on my own.

Thanks for the supportive words. Yes, I'm under treatment for depression--I always am, and have been taking meds for ten plus years. I have a med check next week. Frankly, with what my family has gone through in the past few years, I'd have to be seriously maladjusted if I weren't somewhat depressed. But we are getting help.

[mamculuna]

I want to urge you to try meditation. Maybe you already do.

[pegkerr]

Yes, I do. I've been on medication for close to ten years, I think.

[mamculuna]

Um, meditation, close but not quite the same.

[pegkerr]

Ha! I had a reply to another person in mind as I answered this. But yes, I've tried meditation, too.

I'm not terribly good at it, and so have attempted it irregularly.

[fmsv]

You still have things worth saying. The only reason I don't comment much is, well, I doubt the value of my own comments.

[bemused_leftist]

Me too. I admire what you've been saying about OWS!

[sienamystic]

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I wonder too, like the person above, if you could write it all out in the journal and just lock it down so that nobody but you sees it.

Is karate truly done for you? For me, my study of aikido does a lot for me - it's meditation, a moment of quiet where I can focus on myself, but also a thrill of figuring out something physical and executing it. I'd feel very empty without it, and I wonder if karate worked the same way for you?

I feel like I haven't got very much to say right now either. Sometimes it takes too much energy just getting through the day.