(no subject)

[peccavo]

Okay. So, another way I'm screwed up... Why is it that I think that whenever a man shows interest in me as a person, without explicitly knowing his sexuality, I assume he must be hitting on me? Do I think I have nothing to offer the world other than the prospect of sex? Actually, yes. I can't just accept that some guys, regardless of sexuality, are just friendly. Like everyone else, they want to talk to me. But in the back of my mind, I wonder what I have to offer towards a friendship? After I came out, I made no heterosexual male friends. They all sort of had this look of disdain to them. The guys I knew from before were fine with it. But anyone else I met-- looked at me like I was an unworthy outcast. And now, I'm in a slightly more liberal atmosphere, and I preserve this skepticism-- this feeling of being unworthy-- despite several potential straight guys to hang with. I've always been one to say that queers shouldn't hide away in ghettos, "specialised" vacations-- or live "all-gay, no hets" lifestyles; hiding from the world will not advance our integration into it. Now I find myself, somewhat afraid to integrate.

One of the new tenants is about my age. And he talks to me every time we cross paths. I don't mean small talk, or shop talk about the apt-- actually talk. He enjoys it, I enjoy it- why should I question? But the only rationale that I can form why he COULD like talking to me, is that I'm a sexy mo-fo he wants... why else would he talk to me? The guy at the coffee shop-- obviously he was hitting on me-- it couldn't be that he saw someone worth talking to.

Think I've nailed one of my neuroses dead center this time. :-/