Comments | pdragon76: Tilting At Windmills

pdragon76

Tilting At Windmills

Jun 22, 2010 15:17

I really have to stop smoking these cigarettes. I don't do anything by halves. Why is it so impossible for me to do anything in moderation? A seeming lifetime ago a therapist named Jeff announced this would be my saving grace. He about-turned me and said: "All we have to do is unself-destruct you with the same passion in this direction ( Read more... )

that irish guy, dragons thinkery, horse!sam, rl, wtf?, stoopid things that dragons dooz

Comments 47

saberivojo June 22 2010, 07:30:36 UTC

The level of TIGs belief in your overall trustworthiness is staggering. Wow. To the point that he thought you were flying of for a weekend in Sydney? Damn. I can see why it was making you justifiably crazy. It is good that you wrote it down and posted it. Now you can go back and look at in in three months and say. Damn. Good riddance.

Good to see you and Sam had a typical TB trail ride, complete with foamy horse. *giggles*

The smoking? It will get better hon. You will get a handle on it but don't stress yourself out too much.

We will wait for The Lee.

pdragon76 June 22 2010, 07:46:34 UTC

I think part of what has glued me to my guns on this front is the sheer ridiculousness. It just confounds me. I've worked so hard to live with integrity for the last four years, and having someone walk in to my life and just say: No. I don't believe you've changed.

That really rattled me. It made me re-evaluate how I come across to people on so many levels. And completely without reason, because in every other aspect of my life, people seem to trust and embrace me without question. What did he see that no one else does?

It still drives me in crazy-making circles, just thinking about it. I'm furiously trying to redirect myself to the fact that the whole point is that NO ONE ELSE SEES IT. Which means it's HIS issue. Not mine. But omg, so much harder to convince myself than it should be.

I think my brain is just generally screwed to all hell at the moment. Clarity will return with time. HURRY UP, TIME.

(The comment has been removed)

pdragon76 June 22 2010, 07:52:07 UTC

Crazy paranoid, yes. Pathologically paranoid.

And such a WASTE of a perfectly formed, gorgeous, funny, charming, intelligent male.

Should have known throwing sanity into the mix was too much to ask for.

Mind versus heart is a very debilitating battle. I'm embarrassed by how debilitating it's been. But that's part of why I wanted to post this. Stare at it on screen. Behold the batshit. Have others make the o_O face and put it all in perspective for me.

*smish*

schweedie June 22 2010, 08:11:15 UTC

Holy crap at that list. I mean... Actually, 'holy crap' is all I've got. As Dean would say, buckets o' crazy, that. It does help to write stuff like that down for someone else to see, where you can't just push it away and try to forget that it ever happened.

And don't be hard on yourself about the not letting him go - the whole heart versus head debate is not an easy thing. But damn, I'm utterly pissed that he's made you feel this way. You don't deserve that. *hugs*

On a happier note, yay for riding times! That sounds like fun.

pdragon76 June 22 2010, 08:26:55 UTC

The man's not winning any awards for Most Well-adjusted Male of the Year. That's for sure.

Not that I'm winning my own gender category over here or anything. I'm just sayin'...*raises eyebrow at list* That shit is pretty damning when you put it on paper in one place instead of peppering it in across five months of great sex and highly enjoyable intellectual conversation/debate. And I think I really need to be concentrating on what went wrong here, not the great sex and the smart and the funny and the biceps and the way his neck smelled.

See? Somebody fucking punch me or something. *punches self*

Horse!Sam does not have Jeff's qualifications, but he is still an excellent therapist. Make no mistake. :D

lilacsigil June 22 2010, 08:37:39 UTC

Hay, don't beat yourself up for not getting everything in your life sorted out in five seconds flat and winning the Sorted Out Life Trophy (ceremony televised nationwide!) Maybe you did give him leeway because you don't believe you deserve trust, maybe you gave him leeway because he was persuasive and/or hot, but you didn't give him your whole life. And for that, you win! (trophy is in the mail)

pdragon76 June 22 2010, 08:43:35 UTC

*squeals, runs to letterbox*

Thank you for this reminder. I've been running laps of the Own-Ass-Kicking circuit for weeks. I need to stop doing that. I need to stop being angry at myself for taking a detour down a path that led to no good. I can't be angry at myself for that. Not all detours lead bad places.

And how do you ever know, if you don't take them?

shakespearebint June 22 2010, 10:09:03 UTC

I know it's ridiculous but I feel I have to apologise on behalf of my country for the craziness that is TIG. I know I slag off Irish men all the time but that particular specimen is in a class of his own - jaysus, he needs serious therapy (and possibly a good kicking).

And you shouldn't beat yourself up for putting up with some/all of it for a while - we all make excuses for staying in relationships that from the outside we'd look and say 'wtf! are you nuts?'. I suppose we just want to believe that the good in the person will eventually cancel out the negative no matter how much evidence there is to the contrary. EVERYBODY has done it at some time or other.

pdragon76 June 22 2010, 10:36:39 UTC

You're right. It IS ridiculous that you feel like you have to apologise. Aren't YOU are shining example of how well-adjusted many members of your nation are? I think you are, anyways. *smish ( ... )