Air Filter Experiment
I posted this on my personal site awhile back, and I need some filler because I've had no motivation to update this thing. I choose to blame everyone who isn't me for this, but for now, here's some product research.
We've all looked at product packaging and wondered if what they claim is really true. Will this shampoo really solve my dandruff problems? Does this apple sauce really contain as much as 70% apples? Are hot lesbian co-eds really thirsting for my penis?
I can't answer any of those previous questions - the lesbians all insist that I give them my credit card number, first - but I can most certainly answer this one.
Can you judge an air filter by its cover?
Cigarettes, pets, and dust pans? No way.
Would this filter actually block the things that it claims to capture? My roommate and assistant was skeptical.
Pssh, this thing doesn't even block photons.
In order to test this fine product, I bought myself an air filter, and acquired cigarettes, pets, and a dust pan. My experiment wasn't perfect, of course. For safety reasons I decided to use a cigarette butt, instead of an actual smoking cigarettes. I also don't have any cats or dogs, so I had to use lab rats instead. (They finally lived to see their life's purpose - to be endangered in an experiment.) I also didn't have any brushes, but I did get a dust pan. It was blue.
Pristine lab environment.
I propped the filter up using a coffee table and an end table. The carpet beneath was light enough to show whether anything fell through or not.
Steady... steady...
I started off with the smallest and most common household object - the cigarette butt. The cigarette butts were supplied by previous guests who kindly left them out in the hallway, knowing that some day I would need them in the name of science.
Aye, captain, the containment field is holding!
No ifs, ands, or buts.
The filter seemed to be doing okay with cigarettes. The filter so far had a 100% success rate, and the experiment was 33% of the way through.
I didn't even know we owned a broom.
The dust pan seemed to be doing well, too. Although it was partially supported by the cardboard border of the filter, most of the weight was on the filter itself. I gave this stage of the experiment a green light.
Next came the critical part. I had no dogs or cats, but I did have two lab rats, and as everyone knows "Two rats in the bush are worth one cat on an air filter." I didn't feel like putting the rats anywhere near my bush, but they were perfectly suited for the air filter experiment.
My lovely assistants, Griselda and Gretel.
"Oh, God, what's going on!?"
"I think I'm getting cancer from these cigarettes!" "You're a lab rat, you get cancer no matter what."
The air filter held everything I'd placed on it so far.
*sniff* *sniff*
Even with not one, but two rats, the air filter let nothing through except air.
Sadly, I cannot give an unconditional thumbs up, because my lab methods were woefully inadequate. For one, I didn't have a cat or a dog to place on the filter. I also didn't place a brush on it - and I definitely cannot testify that the filter will retain its properties for a full three months as indicated.
Also, I'm afraid to mention the company name because I don't particularly want to get sued for something ridiculous.
In the end, I give this filter One Thumb Up. I'll be doing it with a mustache, so that if the company still wants to sue me they'll never know who I am.
The mark of quality. Low quality.
Thanks to Rob Cockerham for inspiration. I'm not nearly creative to think this up on my own. Thank God plagiarism is a vaguely defined term, at best!