Comments | pauljoy: Entry #25: The Gift (Poem)

pauljoy

Entry #25: The Gift (Poem)

Jan 15, 2010 23:52

POETRY PACT, as promised for this week's BF contest.
This is the first poem I've actually done since.. what, sixth grade? A really long time anyway! I hope you enjoy it :) I struggled for a long time trying to come up with this week's prompt: Destiny. Ugh. Possibly one of my worst prompts, even though at first I was actually kind of excited with it ( Read more... )

brigits_flame, poetry

Comments 8

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pauljoy January 16 2010, 18:19:26 UTC

Poetry pact was a challenge! D: But I think I'm going to try poetry a lot more. It was interesting XD I used to write poetry a lot, but then I stopped. Time to get back into it! Thanks Rosey <3

keppiehed January 16 2010, 12:50:30 UTC

I love the imagery and your use of the prompt. It was like a cautionary fairy tale. It had a lilting, dreamy quality to it, and then a sad end. Well done, I love poetry!

pauljoy January 16 2010, 18:16:55 UTC

Thank you, Keppie! I'm excited to read the other poetry pact entries. I think you were doing one as well, if I'm correct?

rephen January 16 2010, 15:28:24 UTC

Ah! Poor Daisy! I wished she could have turned to be a star!

(I really enjoyed this, Joy. Your free form is really easy to read!)

(I'm still stuck)

pauljoy January 16 2010, 18:11:13 UTC

Wah, I know! Poetry is harder than I thought it would be. You can do it! I believe in youuuu :D Even if itll be a haiku (still poetry)! Did you notice that it spelled out something if you looked at the first word of each sentence? =P

vyvyan_wilde January 22 2010, 17:11:33 UTC

Wow, nice job! Acrostic poetry is really hard, but you gave it a good rhythm and made it seem very natural. Yay for the pact :D

pauljoy January 23 2010, 21:36:53 UTC

Yay, Pact! I think I might do another poem sometime. I've forgotten how enjoyable it is to write one. Thanks, V :)

blythe025 March 8 2010, 02:50:13 UTC

Hi, I am terribly behind on my ROAR commenting. Sorry about that, but I'm here now.

I think there's a very sweet story and message that comes through here with the daisy wishing to become a star. And the rhyme scheme gives a sing-song quality that works well for the story, which is a lot like a fable or a fairy tale.

You might want to rework some of the lines in some places. Some lines are off by a beat or two and fall into an awkward rhythm that makes the reader stumble as they are reading.

In a couple of places you put "but" at the end of the line, and for me that doesn't read smoothly, and I would recommend dropping it to be at the beginning of the following line instead.

I hope you find my comments helpful, and happy writing. :)