Thooooooooooooooorararar. Thank you once again for your input! And I know I had trouble with that part (past, present and future tense just straight up confuses me!) so thanks for clarifying :D
OKAY OFFICIALLY A WORK IN PROGRESS. -hurriedly working on it before anyone else reads it-
Joy! *gloms on you* It's great to see you back at the Flame! I know how busy you've been, but we've missed you.
And look what you've brought us! A beautifully written story for your return. I love the beginning especially. It hooked me right in. I could feel Agnes right there in those first few paragraphs. You really nailed her character there.
It's great to see you back. I hope you stay with us. Good luck in the contest!
Awh, Keppie you're so sweet <3 Thank you! Your comment made me really happy :) Unfortunately, I'm afraid that this might only be for the time being. I have to focus on my studies, unfortunately :( but when it's over, I'm going to have four months of summer yay XD Plenty of time then!
Hi Joy! It's so good to have you back and participating in the flame again. I have a few minor edits for you.
"The sound of water slapping against concrete could be visibly heard." This seems a bit redundant to me. Showing instead of telling would work well here. You can try something like: The harsh sound of water slapping against concrete was almost painful.
"She unwrapped the present lightly, and a glass orb tumbled into her hands, feeling cool against her skin." The comma after "lightly" seems strange to me (and the use of lightly too, do you mean gently?) Another way of reworking the flow of this would be: She unwrapped the present and a glass orb tumbled into her hands. It felt cool against her skin.
I dare say this is one of the best pieces you've ever written. It has a distinct flow and rhythm (which as I'm sure you know, I'm a sucker for).
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Thank you once again for your input! And I know I had trouble with that part (past, present and future tense just straight up confuses me!) so thanks for clarifying :D
OKAY OFFICIALLY A WORK IN PROGRESS.
-hurriedly working on it before anyone else reads it-
Reply
(The comment has been removed)
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I love the tragedy, and the not knowing.
I love the sound and flow of this piece.
Wonderful!
-Leander
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And look what you've brought us! A beautifully written story for your return. I love the beginning especially. It hooked me right in. I could feel Agnes right there in those first few paragraphs. You really nailed her character there.
It's great to see you back. I hope you stay with us. Good luck in the contest!
Reply
Reply
"The sound of water slapping against concrete could be visibly heard."
This seems a bit redundant to me. Showing instead of telling would work well here. You can try something like:
The harsh sound of water slapping against concrete was almost painful.
"She unwrapped the present lightly, and a glass orb tumbled into her hands, feeling cool against her skin."
The comma after "lightly" seems strange to me (and the use of lightly too, do you mean gently?) Another way of reworking the flow of this would be:
She unwrapped the present and a glass orb tumbled into her hands. It felt cool against her skin.
I dare say this is one of the best pieces you've ever written. It has a distinct flow and rhythm (which as I'm sure you know, I'm a sucker for).
Good luck!
Reply
I dare say this is one of the best pieces you've ever written. It has a distinct flow and rhythm (which as I'm sure you know, I'm a sucker for).
ahaha this makes me feel embarrassed. Thanks <3
Reply
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