FIC: The Thing with Feathers
Title: The Thing with Feathers
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: R to NC-17
Notes: This is the third "book" set in the same universe as my previous fics, "Whatever It Takes" and "The Lost". Those have both been posted here and I strongly suggest you read them first, or these shenanigans won't make any damned sense. As always, comments and feedback are greatly appreciated.
Prologue: Perched in the Soul
Chapter 1 (NC-17)
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
FYI: For anyone interested in being notified when new chapters post, you can follow me on Twitter at @snuffff. I always post a link, and sometimes some self-deprecating commentary, if that's your bag. Thanks again!
For two women who had everything in the world to say to one another, the trip back to Rosa's was oddly quiet. Every few seconds Olivia would turn and look at the woman walking alongside her, still not quite able to believe it was Natalia Rivera, the woman she'd left behind a year earlier, uncertain if they'd ever be able to be together again. Yet here they were, Olivia's pinky finger curled around Natalia's, hands swinging between them as they walked, in a cautious first step towards doing exactly that.
"Something like ten million people in this city," Olivia mused, "and you find me."
Natalia smiled at her. "It wasn't exactly easy."
"I... I'm almost afraid to ask."
"A lot has changed, Olivia. There's so much to tell you, I don't even know where to start."
It got silent again. In the park near Rosa's apartment, some kids bounced basketballs off the pavement, each thump like an exaggerated beat of Olivia's heart.
In the elevator, Olivia nervously shoved her hands into her pockets and gave Natalia a smile the both of them knew was fake.
"One step at a time, right?" Natalia put her hand on Olivia's wrist and tugged it out of her jeans. "Sorry. Not really ready to let go just yet."
This time, Olivia smiled genuinely. "I... missed you."
A bell chimed and the doors slid open, Natalia pulling Olivia through by the hand. "Missed you too."
At Rosa's door, Olivia used her key and let them inside, the shades drawn in the apartment, keeping out the afternoon sun.
Rosa clapped a hand over her mouth at the sight of her and Natalia. "Dios mio, you actually found her!"
Her voice was barely above a whisper and Olivia drew her brows together in confusion.
"The boy... your boy," Rosa smiled at her. "He just fell asleep a few minutes ago. He's in your room."
Olivia turned to Natalia, uncertain. Their son, her son, was right in the next room, and Olivia didn't know quite how to feel or what to say. She had abandoned them, and while the boy was too young to know the difference, it still didn't make her feel any better about it.
She felt Natalia sweep across the room behind her, and heard her enter the bedroom. Rosa looked at Olivia, her palms upturned.
"What?" Rosa whispered. "What is wrong with you, girl? Go in there!"
Olivia scowled playfully at the older woman, and straightened her shoulders as she padded towards the bedroom. She forced a gust of air from her lungs, and stepped inside.
Natalia sat on the edge of the bed, her back to the door, and Olivia couldn't make out the tiny figure she rocked in her arms.
"Is he, um... I don't wanna wake him."
Natalia looked back at her, and gave her that one-dimpled smile that said something akin to 'Are you kidding me?'
"Right," Olivia replied aloud. "I'll just..."
As she came around to sit next to Natalia, Olivia saw the little boy there, and gasped.
"Look who it is, Olly," Natalia whispered as she handed the boy to her. "It's Mommy... see, I told you."
Olivia instantly felt tears in her eyes, and every time she blinked, they cascaded down her cheeks. She looked at the sleepy child in her arms, his balled fists rubbing at his face.
"Oh my god," Olivia cried, stealing glances at Natalia who was fighting back tears of her own. "He's... oh my god."
His hair was dark brown, soft and curly and plentiful. His skin was all Natalia: smooth and olive that, when he got older, would turn caramel in the sun. Chubby fingers rubbed at tired eyes, and when he yawned Olivia marveled at the tiny teeth that looked like grains of rice. He blinked a couple times, and after a few seconds of considering her, he smiled. Olivia set a finger inside a deep dimple.
"Just like your mama."
Olivia felt Natalia's arm slide around her shoulders. "Mmhmm. But eyes like yours, you see?"
Olivia held him up a bit. She opened her eyes wide to examine him, and instinctively his eyes went wide in response. She had to laugh. There they were, as brilliantly green as her own, the eyes of her son.
"Olly... you didn't," Olivia turned to Natalia, who just shrugged.
"What? We decided it was a 'maybe'."
Olivia drew him closer to her, letting him nuzzle in the crook of her shoulder. "Oliver, huh? Did mama just want you to grow up nerdy with a pocket protector?"
Natalia laughed. "We should be so lucky! No," she moved her hand to the back of Olivia's neck, playing with the hair there. "It took me a few days... to decide. I... waited. In case, you... came back. When you didn't... he had to take your name."
That feeling of complete and utter failure crept back into Olivia's gut. No matter how many times she told herself she had absolutely no choice, it never stung any less, the reality of what she'd done. And now, to hear Natalia say that she'd waited, that she had thought Olivia would just come back in a day or two; Olivia had always suspected as much but wouldn't allow herself to even imagine it.
"I tried to think of a way, any way, I could keep you safe and still..."
"It's alright, Olivia. I know what happened."
"You do? Everything?" Olivia lifted her eyes from her son and looked at Natalia, fearful and unsteady. But what she saw in the other woman's eyes was clear, firm, and unequivocal: Natalia still loved her. And if she did, then she must know the truth.
"Yeah, everything." She sighed. "And then some."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"
"Not... right this second." She ran her hands through her hair and smiled weakly. "Is that okay? Can we... can we maybe just... be for a little while? At least until dinner?"
Olivia smiled. "Of course. Is it alright if I bring Olly out to the living room with us? Looks like he knocked out again but I don't want to put him down just yet."
Natalia stood up and pressed a chaste kiss to Olivia's forehead. "Of course, sweetheart. He's your son, remember?"
"How could I forget?"
***
"You fell asleep again."
Olivia was on her side, the tiny bed not offering them much room. Natalia was on her back, her hair still wet from the shower, draped across the pillow. Their faces were so close that every few minutes Olivia had to lean back just a bit, to keep the other woman in focus. Oliver was asleep on a makeshift bed on the floor, his tiny mouth ajar, glistening with drool.
"No I didn't," Natalia's eyes fluttered a few times. "Just resting."
"Uh huh."
They had spent the rest of the afternoon talking with Rosa, dodging plate after plate of food that she'd prepared, and, as Natalia had phrased it, "just being." Olivia took every chance she could to brush a stray hair from Natalia's face, or to run a finger across the back of her hand. And Natalia went out of her way to lean into Olivia as they sat next to each other on the couch, or to absently lay a hand on Olivia's knee beneath the table. It was as though they were feeling their way, quite literally by hand, back to one another, and it gave Olivia hope. Until she knew exactly what Natalia had learned in her absence, what she'd dealt with, she'd just have to trust Natalia when she said she understood.
At around seven that evening, Natalia leaned her head against Olivia's shoulder and closed her eyes, and didn't open them again until Oliver shrieked with laughter. It took a little prodding, but eventually Olivia convinced the other woman to get in the shower and get ready for bed, despite the summer dusk still turning the blinds orange. Rosa always retired to her room around that hour anyway, so by the time she'd heard the shower cut out, it was just Olivia and Oliver in the bedroom, unabashedly observing one another.
Olivia had turned away when Natalia dressed for bed, unsure if she deserved to look upon her that way just yet, considering all the awful things she'd put her through. Luckily Natalia hadn't noticed, and instead just pulled Olivia onto the bed with her, knotting their fingers together against the flat expanse of her stomach. It wasn't lost on her that Natalia had again slipped into one of Olivia's shirts, this time a worn gray Princeton t-shirt she'd picked up at a conference there once. It made Olivia beam, and cringe, all at the same time.
"He never sleeps when it's dark out."
"Hm?" Olivia refocused on the woman next to her.
"He never sleeps when it's dark out," Natalia smiled, her eyes closed again. "I mean, he does... but not for this long. He's usually so fussy at night."
"Maybe he's tired. From the trip."
"Mm, no." Natalia opened her eyes and brought Olivia's hand to her lips, kissing her fingertips. "I think he just couldn't sleep right without his whole family together."
"That makes two of us," Olivia winked. "Speaking of... Emma?"
"Ohhh, she's doing so well, Olivia. Really."
"She is?"
"Yeah. She's in Europe... with Phillip and Beth. Took some doing but she finally agreed to go. And she's got this... boy..."
"Oh god," Olivia nestled her face against Natalia's cheek. "You're kidding me?"
Natalia giggled, her voice soft and sleepy. "Nope. He's sweet. Emma says they're not..." She raised her hands in the air limply and made quotation with her fingers. "Going out or anything. I don't know what that means but I told her she can't go out with a boy until she's at least thirty."
Olivia laughed. "Good."
"She's doing well in school, though. And dance, too. Phillip's been paying for her to stay at the studio, which was nice. I couldn't..."
"God, fuck, I'm sorry, Natalia. I really messed things up."
Natalia nipped at the fingertips that were still against her lips. "Don't. Shh. The money doesn't matter. We'll be fine. All that matters is that Emma will be so happy to see you."
"She will?" Olivia was surprised. "She doesn't... hate me?"
"She's older, Olivia. She's... I hate to say it... mature. We've talked. I think she realized, very early on, that something horrible happened, and it wasn't your fault. She believed in you. And when she had doubts, I showed her your letters."
Olivia smiled. "You did? God, I'm just glad they made it to you. I thought for sure they'd... that Frank would..."
The sound of his name seemed to startle Natalia, and Olivia pulled her closer. Natalia rolled over onto her side and drew Olivia's arm tight against her belly.
"At first I was confused, but then I remembered the conversation we had that night... when I told you about Aunt Rosa and the guacamole," Olivia could hear the smile in her voice. "They gave me hope, those letters. And when they stopped coming... that's when I knew I had to figure out what really happened. That's when I felt something really... sinister was going on."
Olivia took a deep breath. They were finally going there, and she was going to have to relive it once again. Pierce's murder, Frank's scheme. And to make matters worse, she was finally going to know what it had been like for Natalia, finally going to hear about how she mourned without her. Raised their son without her. It was one of those times you desperately wished for, and then when it arrives, you want to run the other way.
As Natalia spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, night closed in around them. Slowly, the sounds of people and cars rushing below them on the city street faded away, until it was so quiet in the tiny bedroom that she could hear Oliver's steady breaths. Olivia learned how Natalia had come to discover Peter Greenway, and his involvement, and what their meeting was like.
"Figures he'd return your call, but not mine." Olivia was still smarting over that.
"Probably because he was tired of running from his conscience, Olivia. That wears you down."
"I guess," she kissed the spot just behind Natalia's ear. "I just wish I could've been there for you."
"That's funny. All I did was worry about you. I feared the worst, you know. That maybe you'd turn to drinking..."
Olivia sighed. "Couple times I thought I might too. But I couldn't. I was too afraid that if I slipped up, just once... I'd do something stupid, get caught or worse... put you in danger somehow."
They laid there in silence for a while, Olivia running her hand across Natalia's waist, over the crest of her hip, and down her thigh to her knee. She made the trip over and over again, committing it to memory. Gone was the frame of the woman who'd found strength while Olivia was in rehab, doing yoga and taking care of herself. And long gone was the robust, feminine form of her pregnant wife, carrying her son, glowing with honor and pride at the mission. This woman was soft without softness, hard without strength. Her bones threatened at her skin, and the hollow between her breasts felt deeper somehow, like she'd lost weight from the very space around her heart.
"You know, with your blonde hair, you look like you did the first time I met you. The first time we spoke."
"Wow, that was a long time ago. You kind of look like you did then, too, now that you mention it."
Natalia wiggled her hips, digging in closer to Olivia. "That's sweet of you. I feel about a hundred years older than I was then."
"You're still the most beautiful woman in the world. Just... there's a little less of you than I remember."
"Not a lot of time to bake as many cookies."
Guilt nagged at Olivia's heart. "Well, we need to get you eating more again. You could get sick."
Natalia scoffed. "I made it the last year without you, Olivia. I'm sure I'll be fine."
Almost imperceptibly, Olivia shifted away from Natalia. It stung, and she deserved it, but still, it took her by surprise.
The other woman rolled around to face her. "I didn't... I didn't say that to hurt you. I promise."
"No, I know."
Natalia frowned. "To borrow a phrase of yours, bullshit. You're all tense. I swear to you, Olivia, I didn't mean it like that. Just got a little defensive I guess. I haven't exactly felt like the most beautiful woman in the world lately."
Olivia dropped her chin. "Well you are."
She could see tears in Natalia's eyes. "You're a good liar. But I'm a wreck. Let's be honest. And you... you look amazing. You're getting better with age, you know."
"Thank your Aunt Rosa. There's something in her cooking. Have you really looked at her? She's four hundred years old but she looks fifty!"
They shared a laugh, their lips brushing for really just the second time that day. Olivia engaged the other woman, drawing her closer by the back of her neck. This time, though, she could feel Natalia hesitate.
"You okay?"
Natalia hid her face against Olivia's shoulder. "Yeah, I'm just... a little overwhelmed by it all. It's been a couple of days since I got any real sleep, and..."
"That'll certainly take its toll on you. C'mere." Olivia pulled the quilt up over Natalia's shoulder and made sure she was comfortable.
"And... there's more I should tell you, Olivia. I should tell you what drove Frank to confess."
"Okay..." It had seemed a little odd to hear that the man who was so driven to destroy her had confessed so readily.
"Frank... um... he really lost it after you left. After Pierce... you know. He started out okay but then... there were a lot of signs. Even Buzz started to notice things."
Olivia rolled her eyes. "He's a fucking lunatic, and a murderer."
"Well..." Natalia was stalling, and Olivia was trying not to rush her, but her feet began to dance under the covers. "Okay, okay. He was cracking up. Coming to the house, being weird. Even accused me of having an affair with Phillip, of all people."
"Ha! Idiot."
"But... he was... I guess he was stalking me, or something," Natalia was leaning back now, watching Olivia, trying to gauge her reaction.
"That snake..."
"The other night, he must've seen me meeting with Greenway and... he came over. Drunk. He got a little aggressive."
Olivia sat up in the bed, rattling the side table. "He did what?"
"He... Olivia, please." She lowered her voice. "He tried to... force himself on me."
Blood rushed to Olivia's face, and her hands drew into fists involuntarily. "That son of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill him!"
"No, no. Olivia, he didn't. He couldn't... I... oh gosh, you're going to like this, and you really ought not to." Natalia bit at her lip. "I kinda hit him in the head with Rafe's baseball bat."
Olivia wanted to take some joy from that, wanted to smile as she imagined her wife clobbering him with a bat, but she couldn't get the image of him, in her home, touching Natalia, menacing her the way he'd done to Olivia. Scaring her. It was precisely what she had worked so hard to avoid. Hell, it was the reason she ran away like she did.
Frustration grew inside of her, and Olivia's entire body began to shake. She could feel Natalia sit up next to her, trying to ease her back down off the ledge. But the groundswell of emotion was too much for her to bear, and she brought her balled fists to her forehead, and cried.
"That fucking bastard! I did everything he wanted, I did everything he said. And he still... he still hurt you."
Natalia stroked her hair, her voice Olivia's only tether to sanity. "It's over now. He's done. He can't hurt anyone anymore."
"But don't you see?" Olivia squinted through the tears. "The last year, the last year I missed... I missed my son's birth, his first words. I should've been there for you, providing for you, for our family. But I left. I left because I thought if I did, he wouldn't hurt you. But he did. I'm the reason he killed Pierce, and like a coward I ran away. I should've killed him myself. I should've put a bullet through his head. It was all for nothing, Natalia. For fucking nothing!"
Natalia wiped at Olivia's tears with her thumbs. "That's just it, Olivia. It wasn't for nothing. If it had played out any other way... who knows what would've happened. Maybe it was all a part of God's plan..."
"Oh Jesus, Natalia. Don't start in with that, please."
"Well it wasn't for nothing, Olivia. Frank says... after you left, after you left that warehouse covered in Pierce's blood? He came back. He came back He couldn't bear what he had done."
"So what?" Olivia didn't understand.
Natalia pulled Olivia's hands into her lap. "He says she's alive, Olivia. He says Pierce is out there, somewhere... alive."
***
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: R to NC-17
Notes: This is the third "book" set in the same universe as my previous fics, "Whatever It Takes" and "The Lost". Those have both been posted here and I strongly suggest you read them first, or these shenanigans won't make any damned sense. As always, comments and feedback are greatly appreciated.
Prologue: Perched in the Soul
Chapter 1 (NC-17)
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
FYI: For anyone interested in being notified when new chapters post, you can follow me on Twitter at @snuffff. I always post a link, and sometimes some self-deprecating commentary, if that's your bag. Thanks again!
For two women who had everything in the world to say to one another, the trip back to Rosa's was oddly quiet. Every few seconds Olivia would turn and look at the woman walking alongside her, still not quite able to believe it was Natalia Rivera, the woman she'd left behind a year earlier, uncertain if they'd ever be able to be together again. Yet here they were, Olivia's pinky finger curled around Natalia's, hands swinging between them as they walked, in a cautious first step towards doing exactly that.
"Something like ten million people in this city," Olivia mused, "and you find me."
Natalia smiled at her. "It wasn't exactly easy."
"I... I'm almost afraid to ask."
"A lot has changed, Olivia. There's so much to tell you, I don't even know where to start."
It got silent again. In the park near Rosa's apartment, some kids bounced basketballs off the pavement, each thump like an exaggerated beat of Olivia's heart.
In the elevator, Olivia nervously shoved her hands into her pockets and gave Natalia a smile the both of them knew was fake.
"One step at a time, right?" Natalia put her hand on Olivia's wrist and tugged it out of her jeans. "Sorry. Not really ready to let go just yet."
This time, Olivia smiled genuinely. "I... missed you."
A bell chimed and the doors slid open, Natalia pulling Olivia through by the hand. "Missed you too."
At Rosa's door, Olivia used her key and let them inside, the shades drawn in the apartment, keeping out the afternoon sun.
Rosa clapped a hand over her mouth at the sight of her and Natalia. "Dios mio, you actually found her!"
Her voice was barely above a whisper and Olivia drew her brows together in confusion.
"The boy... your boy," Rosa smiled at her. "He just fell asleep a few minutes ago. He's in your room."
Olivia turned to Natalia, uncertain. Their son, her son, was right in the next room, and Olivia didn't know quite how to feel or what to say. She had abandoned them, and while the boy was too young to know the difference, it still didn't make her feel any better about it.
She felt Natalia sweep across the room behind her, and heard her enter the bedroom. Rosa looked at Olivia, her palms upturned.
"What?" Rosa whispered. "What is wrong with you, girl? Go in there!"
Olivia scowled playfully at the older woman, and straightened her shoulders as she padded towards the bedroom. She forced a gust of air from her lungs, and stepped inside.
Natalia sat on the edge of the bed, her back to the door, and Olivia couldn't make out the tiny figure she rocked in her arms.
"Is he, um... I don't wanna wake him."
Natalia looked back at her, and gave her that one-dimpled smile that said something akin to 'Are you kidding me?'
"Right," Olivia replied aloud. "I'll just..."
As she came around to sit next to Natalia, Olivia saw the little boy there, and gasped.
"Look who it is, Olly," Natalia whispered as she handed the boy to her. "It's Mommy... see, I told you."
Olivia instantly felt tears in her eyes, and every time she blinked, they cascaded down her cheeks. She looked at the sleepy child in her arms, his balled fists rubbing at his face.
"Oh my god," Olivia cried, stealing glances at Natalia who was fighting back tears of her own. "He's... oh my god."
His hair was dark brown, soft and curly and plentiful. His skin was all Natalia: smooth and olive that, when he got older, would turn caramel in the sun. Chubby fingers rubbed at tired eyes, and when he yawned Olivia marveled at the tiny teeth that looked like grains of rice. He blinked a couple times, and after a few seconds of considering her, he smiled. Olivia set a finger inside a deep dimple.
"Just like your mama."
Olivia felt Natalia's arm slide around her shoulders. "Mmhmm. But eyes like yours, you see?"
Olivia held him up a bit. She opened her eyes wide to examine him, and instinctively his eyes went wide in response. She had to laugh. There they were, as brilliantly green as her own, the eyes of her son.
"Olly... you didn't," Olivia turned to Natalia, who just shrugged.
"What? We decided it was a 'maybe'."
Olivia drew him closer to her, letting him nuzzle in the crook of her shoulder. "Oliver, huh? Did mama just want you to grow up nerdy with a pocket protector?"
Natalia laughed. "We should be so lucky! No," she moved her hand to the back of Olivia's neck, playing with the hair there. "It took me a few days... to decide. I... waited. In case, you... came back. When you didn't... he had to take your name."
That feeling of complete and utter failure crept back into Olivia's gut. No matter how many times she told herself she had absolutely no choice, it never stung any less, the reality of what she'd done. And now, to hear Natalia say that she'd waited, that she had thought Olivia would just come back in a day or two; Olivia had always suspected as much but wouldn't allow herself to even imagine it.
"I tried to think of a way, any way, I could keep you safe and still..."
"It's alright, Olivia. I know what happened."
"You do? Everything?" Olivia lifted her eyes from her son and looked at Natalia, fearful and unsteady. But what she saw in the other woman's eyes was clear, firm, and unequivocal: Natalia still loved her. And if she did, then she must know the truth.
"Yeah, everything." She sighed. "And then some."
Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Care to elaborate?"
"Not... right this second." She ran her hands through her hair and smiled weakly. "Is that okay? Can we... can we maybe just... be for a little while? At least until dinner?"
Olivia smiled. "Of course. Is it alright if I bring Olly out to the living room with us? Looks like he knocked out again but I don't want to put him down just yet."
Natalia stood up and pressed a chaste kiss to Olivia's forehead. "Of course, sweetheart. He's your son, remember?"
"How could I forget?"
***
"You fell asleep again."
Olivia was on her side, the tiny bed not offering them much room. Natalia was on her back, her hair still wet from the shower, draped across the pillow. Their faces were so close that every few minutes Olivia had to lean back just a bit, to keep the other woman in focus. Oliver was asleep on a makeshift bed on the floor, his tiny mouth ajar, glistening with drool.
"No I didn't," Natalia's eyes fluttered a few times. "Just resting."
"Uh huh."
They had spent the rest of the afternoon talking with Rosa, dodging plate after plate of food that she'd prepared, and, as Natalia had phrased it, "just being." Olivia took every chance she could to brush a stray hair from Natalia's face, or to run a finger across the back of her hand. And Natalia went out of her way to lean into Olivia as they sat next to each other on the couch, or to absently lay a hand on Olivia's knee beneath the table. It was as though they were feeling their way, quite literally by hand, back to one another, and it gave Olivia hope. Until she knew exactly what Natalia had learned in her absence, what she'd dealt with, she'd just have to trust Natalia when she said she understood.
At around seven that evening, Natalia leaned her head against Olivia's shoulder and closed her eyes, and didn't open them again until Oliver shrieked with laughter. It took a little prodding, but eventually Olivia convinced the other woman to get in the shower and get ready for bed, despite the summer dusk still turning the blinds orange. Rosa always retired to her room around that hour anyway, so by the time she'd heard the shower cut out, it was just Olivia and Oliver in the bedroom, unabashedly observing one another.
Olivia had turned away when Natalia dressed for bed, unsure if she deserved to look upon her that way just yet, considering all the awful things she'd put her through. Luckily Natalia hadn't noticed, and instead just pulled Olivia onto the bed with her, knotting their fingers together against the flat expanse of her stomach. It wasn't lost on her that Natalia had again slipped into one of Olivia's shirts, this time a worn gray Princeton t-shirt she'd picked up at a conference there once. It made Olivia beam, and cringe, all at the same time.
"He never sleeps when it's dark out."
"Hm?" Olivia refocused on the woman next to her.
"He never sleeps when it's dark out," Natalia smiled, her eyes closed again. "I mean, he does... but not for this long. He's usually so fussy at night."
"Maybe he's tired. From the trip."
"Mm, no." Natalia opened her eyes and brought Olivia's hand to her lips, kissing her fingertips. "I think he just couldn't sleep right without his whole family together."
"That makes two of us," Olivia winked. "Speaking of... Emma?"
"Ohhh, she's doing so well, Olivia. Really."
"She is?"
"Yeah. She's in Europe... with Phillip and Beth. Took some doing but she finally agreed to go. And she's got this... boy..."
"Oh god," Olivia nestled her face against Natalia's cheek. "You're kidding me?"
Natalia giggled, her voice soft and sleepy. "Nope. He's sweet. Emma says they're not..." She raised her hands in the air limply and made quotation with her fingers. "Going out or anything. I don't know what that means but I told her she can't go out with a boy until she's at least thirty."
Olivia laughed. "Good."
"She's doing well in school, though. And dance, too. Phillip's been paying for her to stay at the studio, which was nice. I couldn't..."
"God, fuck, I'm sorry, Natalia. I really messed things up."
Natalia nipped at the fingertips that were still against her lips. "Don't. Shh. The money doesn't matter. We'll be fine. All that matters is that Emma will be so happy to see you."
"She will?" Olivia was surprised. "She doesn't... hate me?"
"She's older, Olivia. She's... I hate to say it... mature. We've talked. I think she realized, very early on, that something horrible happened, and it wasn't your fault. She believed in you. And when she had doubts, I showed her your letters."
Olivia smiled. "You did? God, I'm just glad they made it to you. I thought for sure they'd... that Frank would..."
The sound of his name seemed to startle Natalia, and Olivia pulled her closer. Natalia rolled over onto her side and drew Olivia's arm tight against her belly.
"At first I was confused, but then I remembered the conversation we had that night... when I told you about Aunt Rosa and the guacamole," Olivia could hear the smile in her voice. "They gave me hope, those letters. And when they stopped coming... that's when I knew I had to figure out what really happened. That's when I felt something really... sinister was going on."
Olivia took a deep breath. They were finally going there, and she was going to have to relive it once again. Pierce's murder, Frank's scheme. And to make matters worse, she was finally going to know what it had been like for Natalia, finally going to hear about how she mourned without her. Raised their son without her. It was one of those times you desperately wished for, and then when it arrives, you want to run the other way.
As Natalia spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, night closed in around them. Slowly, the sounds of people and cars rushing below them on the city street faded away, until it was so quiet in the tiny bedroom that she could hear Oliver's steady breaths. Olivia learned how Natalia had come to discover Peter Greenway, and his involvement, and what their meeting was like.
"Figures he'd return your call, but not mine." Olivia was still smarting over that.
"Probably because he was tired of running from his conscience, Olivia. That wears you down."
"I guess," she kissed the spot just behind Natalia's ear. "I just wish I could've been there for you."
"That's funny. All I did was worry about you. I feared the worst, you know. That maybe you'd turn to drinking..."
Olivia sighed. "Couple times I thought I might too. But I couldn't. I was too afraid that if I slipped up, just once... I'd do something stupid, get caught or worse... put you in danger somehow."
They laid there in silence for a while, Olivia running her hand across Natalia's waist, over the crest of her hip, and down her thigh to her knee. She made the trip over and over again, committing it to memory. Gone was the frame of the woman who'd found strength while Olivia was in rehab, doing yoga and taking care of herself. And long gone was the robust, feminine form of her pregnant wife, carrying her son, glowing with honor and pride at the mission. This woman was soft without softness, hard without strength. Her bones threatened at her skin, and the hollow between her breasts felt deeper somehow, like she'd lost weight from the very space around her heart.
"You know, with your blonde hair, you look like you did the first time I met you. The first time we spoke."
"Wow, that was a long time ago. You kind of look like you did then, too, now that you mention it."
Natalia wiggled her hips, digging in closer to Olivia. "That's sweet of you. I feel about a hundred years older than I was then."
"You're still the most beautiful woman in the world. Just... there's a little less of you than I remember."
"Not a lot of time to bake as many cookies."
Guilt nagged at Olivia's heart. "Well, we need to get you eating more again. You could get sick."
Natalia scoffed. "I made it the last year without you, Olivia. I'm sure I'll be fine."
Almost imperceptibly, Olivia shifted away from Natalia. It stung, and she deserved it, but still, it took her by surprise.
The other woman rolled around to face her. "I didn't... I didn't say that to hurt you. I promise."
"No, I know."
Natalia frowned. "To borrow a phrase of yours, bullshit. You're all tense. I swear to you, Olivia, I didn't mean it like that. Just got a little defensive I guess. I haven't exactly felt like the most beautiful woman in the world lately."
Olivia dropped her chin. "Well you are."
She could see tears in Natalia's eyes. "You're a good liar. But I'm a wreck. Let's be honest. And you... you look amazing. You're getting better with age, you know."
"Thank your Aunt Rosa. There's something in her cooking. Have you really looked at her? She's four hundred years old but she looks fifty!"
They shared a laugh, their lips brushing for really just the second time that day. Olivia engaged the other woman, drawing her closer by the back of her neck. This time, though, she could feel Natalia hesitate.
"You okay?"
Natalia hid her face against Olivia's shoulder. "Yeah, I'm just... a little overwhelmed by it all. It's been a couple of days since I got any real sleep, and..."
"That'll certainly take its toll on you. C'mere." Olivia pulled the quilt up over Natalia's shoulder and made sure she was comfortable.
"And... there's more I should tell you, Olivia. I should tell you what drove Frank to confess."
"Okay..." It had seemed a little odd to hear that the man who was so driven to destroy her had confessed so readily.
"Frank... um... he really lost it after you left. After Pierce... you know. He started out okay but then... there were a lot of signs. Even Buzz started to notice things."
Olivia rolled her eyes. "He's a fucking lunatic, and a murderer."
"Well..." Natalia was stalling, and Olivia was trying not to rush her, but her feet began to dance under the covers. "Okay, okay. He was cracking up. Coming to the house, being weird. Even accused me of having an affair with Phillip, of all people."
"Ha! Idiot."
"But... he was... I guess he was stalking me, or something," Natalia was leaning back now, watching Olivia, trying to gauge her reaction.
"That snake..."
"The other night, he must've seen me meeting with Greenway and... he came over. Drunk. He got a little aggressive."
Olivia sat up in the bed, rattling the side table. "He did what?"
"He... Olivia, please." She lowered her voice. "He tried to... force himself on me."
Blood rushed to Olivia's face, and her hands drew into fists involuntarily. "That son of a bitch. I'm going to fucking kill him!"
"No, no. Olivia, he didn't. He couldn't... I... oh gosh, you're going to like this, and you really ought not to." Natalia bit at her lip. "I kinda hit him in the head with Rafe's baseball bat."
Olivia wanted to take some joy from that, wanted to smile as she imagined her wife clobbering him with a bat, but she couldn't get the image of him, in her home, touching Natalia, menacing her the way he'd done to Olivia. Scaring her. It was precisely what she had worked so hard to avoid. Hell, it was the reason she ran away like she did.
Frustration grew inside of her, and Olivia's entire body began to shake. She could feel Natalia sit up next to her, trying to ease her back down off the ledge. But the groundswell of emotion was too much for her to bear, and she brought her balled fists to her forehead, and cried.
"That fucking bastard! I did everything he wanted, I did everything he said. And he still... he still hurt you."
Natalia stroked her hair, her voice Olivia's only tether to sanity. "It's over now. He's done. He can't hurt anyone anymore."
"But don't you see?" Olivia squinted through the tears. "The last year, the last year I missed... I missed my son's birth, his first words. I should've been there for you, providing for you, for our family. But I left. I left because I thought if I did, he wouldn't hurt you. But he did. I'm the reason he killed Pierce, and like a coward I ran away. I should've killed him myself. I should've put a bullet through his head. It was all for nothing, Natalia. For fucking nothing!"
Natalia wiped at Olivia's tears with her thumbs. "That's just it, Olivia. It wasn't for nothing. If it had played out any other way... who knows what would've happened. Maybe it was all a part of God's plan..."
"Oh Jesus, Natalia. Don't start in with that, please."
"Well it wasn't for nothing, Olivia. Frank says... after you left, after you left that warehouse covered in Pierce's blood? He came back. He came back He couldn't bear what he had done."
"So what?" Olivia didn't understand.
Natalia pulled Olivia's hands into her lap. "He says she's alive, Olivia. He says Pierce is out there, somewhere... alive."
***