Fic - Deadfield - A/U parts 5&6/?

[bronzeashtray]

Title: Deadfield
Fandom: Guiding Light
Pairing: Olivia/Natalia
Rating: Overall R to NC-17

Notes: This is an A/U fic. It's set in "present" day Springfield. A/U assumptions: Olivia left Springfield shortly after her heart-condition diagnosis. Emma doesn't exist.

This is all I've written so far.  If I get a good response, I'll post whenever I update. :)


PART 5

How do you sleep
When you live with your lies
Out of your mouth
Up from your mind
That kind of thinking
Starts a chain reaction
You are a time bomb ticking away
You need to release
What you're feeling inside
Let out the beast
That you're trying to hide

- Disturbed

“Natalia!” I called out when we neared the park again.

She spun around and angrily said, “What? We have to get back to our patrol.”

“You can’t expect me to believe you’re okay with what just happened.” I finally caught up to her and signaled her to continue walking. She was right. After that, I wasn’t going to risk not scanning the area for infected, but I still needed her to talk to me.

“I have to be okay with it, Olivia. What other choice do I have?” Her voice was loud and frantic. “I can’t go sit in a corner and cry if something upsets me. It doesn’t work that way anymore.” She turned to me and looked into my eyes. I looked back and felt I could almost see fire raging in them. “Do you know how many people we’ve lost? Do you?”

I shook my head. “I’ve been waiting for someone to fill me in. I’ve barely had a moment to breathe since I got here.”

“I don’t even know where to start.” Natalia paused, clearly aggravated. “Frank. He… The first time we experienced anything was before any this had even hit the news.   Someone called the police station complaining about a trespasser who was lurking outside their house, banging on the windows and doors. Mallet answered the call alone because he figured it was just an average domestic disturbance call, but within twenty minutes he was calling for backup. Frank and Remy answered his call, but when they got there…” Natalia looked over at me and took a deep sigh. “By the time they got there, Mallet had already changed. They didn’t know what to do. Don’t ask me how, but somehow the two of him were able to get him back to the station, and lock him in a cell.”

“Not a good idea.”

“No. They didn’t know what was wrong, though. They hoped he had some sort of disease that could be treated. They tried to tranquilize him so a doctor could look at him, but it didn’t work. No matter how much… even animal tranquilizers didn’t do anything. Eventually, he started repeatedly banging his body and head against the cell bars.   Frank said it was horrible. They felt so helpless. And…” she ran her fingers through her hair and glanced into the sky for a moment. “And one day Marina went in. She slipped past the guard and went to Mallet.   I guess she thought she could reach him somehow, talk him out of it, but he must have reached through the bars and…” her voice faded out. “Before anyone knew what was happening, Marina was ripping apart the guard. Frank,” she turned to me again and emphatically said, “Frank” again. “He had to go in there and stop her before she did any more damage. He shot his own daughter so she wouldn’t kill any more people. Do you hear how insane that sounds?” I only nodded because I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t imagine the horror of having to do that.   “And now…” Natalia’s voice had turned high-pitched and frantic. “Now look…” She pointed across the park and my eyes fell on the figures of Doris and Blake walking toward Company. “They’re going to tell Buzz he’s lost his son… that Natalia Rivera just shot his son between the eyes because he became a flesh-eating monster.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that, Natalia. You had to do it.”

“I can’t blame myself?” She barked out a horrible parody of a laugh. “Frank shouldn’t have even been there today. He was assigned to patrol with me on this corner of town because it’s rare any infected attempt to wander in here. Frank… he hasn’t been… ” She made a frustrated sound and kicked a rock as we walked. “Josh should have known better. Frank hadn’t been himself since that day with Marina. He wouldn’t talk about what happened, and he kept acting like everything was going to be okay soon.  I put up with him because I knew he had some sort of twisted imagine of him and me getting together one day and having a life together.”

“But you didn’t want that?”

“No!” She looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “He asked me out a few times before all of this happened, but I always turned him down. I considered it, but…” She stopped her sentence abruptly and paused for a long moment before continuing. “Anyway, Marina’s death hit him extremely hard.   He seemed to fall into this fantasy world where he believed we actually were dating. I guess I took pity on him, but after awhile it got too hard to stomach him talking about how we were going to live happily ever after once this was all over.”

“I don’t think I could handle that either, Natalia. It was good of you to even try, but I don’t think this is going to end any time soon. We all have to deal with the very real possibility that none of us will survive this. Dealing with reality is the only thing that’s going to keep us alive.”

“I know.” She suddenly sounded defeated, and I couldn’t help hating myself for making her sound that way. “I know. You’re right. I think so, too. But I can’t help feeling I should have stuck with him. I should have been there for Frank. It was selfish of me.”

“No…” I started to protest.

“Trust me, it was selfish,” she said firmly. “Did you see how he just stood there? He just stood there firing an empty gun. He gave up hope. He just stood there waiting to die. I did that, Olivia.” She tapped her chest. “I did that.”

“You didn’t do anything, Natalia. It’s this…” I waved my arms in the air. “The whole world’s gone mad around us. We don’t have any control over it anymore. You can’t blame yourself for what happened earlier any more than you can blame yourself for the sky being blue.”

“You don’t understand, Olivia. I became Frank’s caretaker. Everyone knew he lost it after Marina’s death, and I was the only one who kept him steady. I was the one he clung to; the one who he pinned all his hopes on. It was so selfish…” Her voice faded out again, and she stared at her feet as we walked.

“I don’t know why you keep saying it was selfish. You have enough to deal with already.   Hell, you don’t even know where your son is. We all have our own weight to bear now - to take on another person’s burdens is just too much to expect. You did as much for Frank as you could. That’s not being selfish, it’s surviving the madness.”

Natalia stopped and looked at me directly in the eyes. “Do you want to know why it was selfish?”

“I told you, I don’t think it…”

She interrupted. “I’ll tell you why it was selfish. I’m not sure you’re going to like it, but what the hell, it’s the end of the world, right?”

I wasn’t sure what she meant, and I wanted to continue my protests, but the way she was looking at me warned me there was something below the surface - something I didn’t fully understand. “Okay, then. Tell me.”

Natalia took a deep breath and released it quickly. “You are so beautiful, Olivia Spencer.” She suddenly looked surprised, like she couldn’t believe she’d just said that.

I couldn’t believe she just said it either. I was thoroughly confused. “Well, thank you, but…”

She held up a hand to silence me. “Just hear me out for a minute.” I shut my mouth and nodded. “I know you were trying to steal Gus from me before you left.”

“Natalia, I…” I had no idea she knew. I barely even realized how I felt about Gus before the diagnosis. “I’m so sorry about that. That was one of the reasons I didn’t come back after the surgery. I didn’t want to be that person anymore.”

Natalia shook her head. “Stop interrupting. Please? This is hard enough already.”

“Okay.”

“First of all, I don’t blame you. Gus is a very kind and attractive man. I’m surprised more people didn’t try to get to him while we were together.” She shrugged. “None of it mattered in the end, of course, his heart was always with Harley. Anyway, I saw what you were doing almost right away.”

“Why didn’t you confront me?”

“Ah. That’s the real question, isn’t it? I see a woman embarking on a mission to steal my husband, and I don’t say a single word to her.” She paused for a moment. “How can I put this simply? I was jealous. I was jealous as hell, but it was in a way I didn’t expect.” She released a small laugh. “I should have expected it, but I didn’t.”

“I’m not sure I’m following you.”

“I wasn’t jealous of you. I was jealous of him.”

I stopped walking and stared at her. “What?”

“You, Olivia. I wanted you to look at me the way you looked at him. From the minute I first saw you, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.   Every day at the Beacon I used to love going to work just to catch glimpses of you. I loved watching you walk the halls with that swagger that told everyone you were the boss.  I loved talking with you, making you smile, making you laugh. Everything about you captured my interest. Everything. If it had been some other woman going after Gus, I doubt I would have noticed. I didn’t say anything because… what would I have said? Get your hands off my man because I want them on me?” She released a small chuckle and made a noise that seemed to signal she couldn’t believe she just said all that.

I blinked at her. I started to wonder if I’d simply gone insane. Perhaps there were no zombies roaming the countryside; perhaps I was simply in a padded room somewhere rocking back and forth. “What?” I said again. I couldn’t think of any other words.

“I know this sounds like it’s coming out of left field, but I just don’t care anymore. I realize you probably don’t return my feelings, but I left denial of all this behind the day I shot three people in the head as I was walking to the church to pray… to pray to a God who has clearly forsaken us all.”

“I’m not sure what to say.”

“I’m not asking you to say anything. When I saw you again last night, it was all I could do not to reach out to you and… I don’t know.” She shook her head. “But now you see… now you see why I was selfish. It was selfish desires that made me ask you to share a bedroom with me. It was selfish of me to go to Philip last night and ask him to set you up as my partner today. I wanted to be close to you, so I could experience you again… and Frank paid the price.”

“Natalia, I admit this has thrown me for a loop. A really big, ridiculously confusing loop, but what happened with Frank… that’s still not your fault.”

She shook her head again. “Last night, when I went to bed, almost immediately you reached out for me and put your arms around me. I’d never felt so comforted in my entire life. I barely slept at all, even though I know it’s important to be alert for these patrols, because I was too busy greedily stealing comfort from you. I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry I set you up like that.” She dropped her eyes and began walking again. “I don’t even know myself anymore.”

“Shit,” I muttered. I grabbed my head in a futile, physical attempt to gather my thoughts. “I’m having trouble processing this, but I can assure you that you weren’t stealing anything from me. Clearly, we both needed comforting last night.   This morning when I woke up… I felt warm and safe. Those are two things I haven’t felt in a long time. Please, don’t apologize for sharing that moment with me.”

She looked up at me. Her face wore a look of such sadness I wanted to reach out and hug her. “But I do,” she said and reached up to rub her forehead. Her eyes fell shut. “I apologize to you, and Frank, and just… everyone.” Her voiced cracked on the last word, and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. I reached out and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. She released a small whimper at the contact, but didn’t pull away. Tentatively, she slid her arms around my waist. Within moments, I felt her begin crying. I held her in silence for several long minutes. I could feel her tears soaking into the shoulder of my shirt. When she finally began pulling out of my arms, I leaned forward and gently kissed her forehead.

“You’re beautiful, too” I said, my voice barely audible. She looked at me in surprise, and she was just about to say something when I heard the voice of a man calling out to us that our shift was over and we needed to get the hell home before we got our heads shot off.

PART 6

Where do bad folks go when they die?
They don't go to heaven where the angels fly
They go to the lake of fire and fry
Won't see them again 'til the fourth of July

- Meat Puppets

“You should go back and take a nap,” I said to Natalia on our way back. Silence hung awkwardly between us as we walked. I didn’t know how to continue our earlier conversation, and she remained silent as we walked.

I expected a protest, but she nodded at me. “I guess I am tired.” I walked with her until we reached the Spaulding’s.   “I can talk to someone about having your room changed,” she said before we parted ways.

“Why?”

She gave me an incredulous look.   “Didn’t you hear anything I said earlier?”

“Of course I did, but that’s no reason…” I paused. I felt awkward and wanted to flee this conversation. I needed a minute to think and process everything that had been said. “Let’s just see how it goes, okay? Like Alan said, there’s very little room in the inn, and there’s no point disturbing other people…” I suddenly reached out and grabbed her hand without thinking. “And I enjoyed this morning.”

She stared at our hands and asked, “You did?” without looking up.

“Yes,” I said quietly and lifted her chin so she’d look at me. “Now, go get some sleep.” I ran my thumb briefly over her cheek and she leaned almost imperceptibly into the touch. “I’ll meet you for dinner?”

She nodded and a small smile ghosted over her features. She turned, and I watched her until she disappeared through the doors.

I headed to the police station. I needed to know what the hell had happened to Springfield over the past weeks, and I figured that was as good a place as any to find some answers.

I walked through the doors and was met almost immediately by Phillip Spaulding.

“Have you become the newest addition to Springfield’s finest?” I asked him with a smirk.

Phillip chuckled, but a smile never reached his lips. “I have a strange feeling they wouldn’t want me. I’m actually here for some target practice. Care to join me?”

“I suppose I do need some moving target practice,” I said, and cringed as I remembered the events of the day.

Phillip nodded. “The runners are always the hardest.” He began walking toward the back of the station to the small shooting range.

We set up quickly and began our practice in silence. Neither one of us missed our targets very often, and eventually Phillip motioned for me to remove my ear protectors.

“You’re pretty good.”

“I suppose I got a lot of practice when I was in Chicago. This morning, though…” I paused and rubbed the bridge of my nose.  “I don’t know what happened.”

“It’s harder when the adrenaline starts kicking in… when you start really caring about hitting the target.”

I nodded. “I guess in Chicago I didn’t care as much. You heard what happened this morning?”

“Yeah. I wouldn’t blame yourself for that, Olivia. Frank was a disaster waiting to happen.”

“What do you mean?”

“Frank lost it after Marina. You heard what happened with her?” I nodded. “He was a liability to everyone. The other day a few people found him out behind Company. He was drunk and waving his gun in the air… screaming at anyone who came near him - threatening them. Eventually, Natalia showed up and talked him down, but it scared people… really scared them.” He frowned, and I could see his jaw clenching and unclenching in anger. “We have enough to be afraid of already. People don’t need that from one of our own.”

“It’s understandable, though. When you have to do that to someone you love…” I looked away and stared at the target dummies across the room. “It does something to you.”

I heard Phillip sigh and turned back to look at him. He looked sad, and I could see more age lines crossing his face than I ever remembered seeing before.   “Any other time, and I would have fully accepted Frank’s mental state. I know, probably more than anyone, that life can set your mind off-balance, but like I said…” His voice turned harsh as he finished his comment. “Frank was a liability.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “What do you mean by that exactly?”

Phillip stared at me for a long moment before answering. The longer he waited to speak, the more I didn’t want to hear his answer. “Natalia came to me last night. She told me she didn’t want to partner with Frank anymore, that she wanted to be with you. I can’t say I blame her.” He tilted his head slightly. “Did you really spend all of the past month in Chicago?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

He shook his head in disbelief. “And they call me crazy. I saw video feed from the city three weeks ago and it was already chaos. How the hell did you survive that? ”

“It’s easier when you’re the one hunting them,” I said flatly. He raised his eyebrows in disbelief. “I’ll give you a full rundown later if you want it, but right now you need to continue your little story.”

“Alright,” he took a deep breath. “Long story short, I replaced Bill Lewis with Frank on the patrol roster and sent them out to the western border this morning.”

I closed my eyes briefly. “And I take it the western border is a… high traffic area?”

“Correct.”

“So you sent Frank out to die.”

“That’s such a harsh way of phrasing it. I sent Frank out to see if he could handle the pressure.”

“You bastard.”

His eyes flashed in anger at me. “You know damn well we can’t have any weaknesses if we’re going to win the war against these monsters. You know damn well, Olivia, that a person who isn’t 100% focused on fighting and winning each battle they fight will only put others in danger. I did what I felt was best. I stand behind my decision.”

“Frank didn’t deserve that. He could have gotten over it. He just needed more time.”

“What would have happened the next time someone he loved got infected?   What if his father was next? How would he react to that? Let him go? Shoot him and then let loose on a crowd of uninfected people? No.” He shook his head sternly. “There isn’t any more time. We can’t wait for people to ‘get over it.’ We need to be sharp.” His voice took on a desperate quality. “We need to win.”

I wanted to argue with him. No matter what he told me, I’d never believe Frank deserved that type of fate. I wanted to scream and accuse him of being more insane than anyone else in this damn town, but I couldn’t find the words… because he was right. We did need to win this. This was nothing short of an epic battle between good and evil, and we needed to win. If we didn’t win, there would be nothing left. Nothing.

“You’re still a bastard,” I said.

“You knew that already.”

I shook my head and sighed in defeat. Once again, I was just going to have to go with the flow of insanity. I couldn’t afford to not have Phillip on my side in this. Arguing would do nothing but hurt us both. We all needed each other. “Fine,” I said eventually. “But don’t you dare ever fucking do anything like that to me.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

“Or Natalia,” I added with a mutter.

He raised an eyebrow. “Natalia? What’s going on between you two?” I didn’t respond; I only gave him a death glare. He eventually shrugged and said, “You two have been through enough. If you haven’t lost it by now, I doubt you ever will.” He looked at me for a long time. I think he was expecting me to say something, but I didn’t have anything more to say to him.   Abruptly, he spun around and began walking out. “Would you like to see Mallet?” he asked as he passed out of the room.

My jaw dropped open.

“Why the fuck is Mallet still alive?” I asked as I chased after him.

“He’s not.”

“You know what I mean.”

He didn’t answer right away. We passed into a small room with a bed that stood in the middle. It looked heavily reinforced. Mallet was chained and strapped to the bed in at least fifteen different locations. The room smelled terrible.

“We’re waiting to see if and when he’ll die… completely.”

“You’re all completely insane. How did you even get him like this?”

“Tasers. They temporarily stun him. They disrupt the nervous system - cut off the signals from the brain to the body. Crank the setting up high enough, and he’s out for a few minutes. It’s the only thing we’ve found that seems to have any effect on him.”

I looked at Mallet’s body. It was straining and twitching against the restraints. His eyes were staring blankly at the ceiling, and he was making a horrible growling sound. I wanted to leave.   “Fuck this,” I said and turned to leave. Phillip grabbed my arm and turned me back around. I struggled, but he held me still.

“Look at him for a minute, Olivia.”

“Let go of me,” I said angrily and kicked him in the shin. He winced and let me go.

“Olivia, stop!” He called out and lunged for the door. He shut it before I had a chance to get through it.

“What the hell is this?”

“Just calm down, Olivia. I know you think I’ve lost my mind, but I need you to look at him for just a minute. Please? I’m not trying to keep you here against your will.”

“Fine!” I yelled and stared at Mallet. “What am I supposed to be seeing?”

“How many of these have you seen?”

“How many zombies?   More than I care to count. Can I leave now?   Or am I going to be a midnight snack for our friend here?”

Phillip rolled his eyes at me. “Look at him, Olivia. What do you see?”

“I see a monster who used to be a man. I should put a bullet in his head right now and stop this crazy game you’re playing with him. He’s not some sort of science project you can keep here for your sick little observations.”

Phillip released a frustrated sigh at me.   “Look at him!” He roared angrily. I flinched and looked at Mallet… and that’s when I saw it.

“He’s decaying,” I said quietly.

“Bingo.”

All the fight fled my body, and I stepped closer to the body.   A wave of stench hit me and I covered my nose and mouth. I could see areas where his skin literally looked like it was sliding off his bones. It was repulsive. I looked away and caught Phillip’s glance. He opened the door and motioned me out.

“If they decay, that means… eventually they’ll die.”

Phillip smiled for the first time that day. “There’s hope,” he said with a small nod of his head.

“How long has he been like this?”

“Almost a month.”

My eyes fell shut, and I shook my head. “It’s still so slow.”

“It’ll be a long war, but if we survive long enough, we can win.”

I nodded and sighed. “We will,” I said with resolve in my voice I hadn’t expected.

Phillip patted me on the back and said, “Go back and take care of Natalia. She had a rough day.”

I nodded and headed out of the station.