Collisions at the Crossroads 23-24
Collisions at the Crossroads
Katherine Quinn
Law and Order SVU
Alex/Olivia
R for language
Chasing Answers
Elliot was on a slow mission to find Alex. Olivia had told him that she had said that she was going to grab food, and he had a pretty good idea of where. Olivia had told him that she was worried about Alex. Olivia told him that everything was going to be okay but that Alex wasn’t happy with that and she didn’t understand why.
They talked about work, only for a few minutes. He could see her salivating for details.
Everything he gave her only made her seem more agitated to be lying in a hospital bed. Without work, their conversation fell into an easy silence, as they both took comfort in sitting together. With a sigh, Olivia finally asked him to go look for Alex.
Olivia was sure Alex had left to cry, something that she hated because for the first time in their relationship Olivia couldn’t chase after her to give her the comfort and love she was so used to providing, even when she ran away. She felt so restricted, and when she was supposed to be there, she couldn’t be, no matter how much she wanted to. She was always waiting for
Alex to come back after finding her own comfort in the world.
Looking ahead, Elliot saw Alex leaning against the wall of a building right across the street from the hospital entrance. The tiny Italian place that she been living out of was overflowing, and he couldn’t decide if she had actually gone in, or was waiting for the lines to die down before even attempting an approach. She didn’t look like she was in any kind of hurry either way.
She was wearing sun glasses even though it was a dark gloomy day. He had noticed that she had been wearing them more and more recently and he wondered why, but never asked. He walked to her slowly, trying to give her time to recognize that he was getting closer. “Fancy meeting you here,” Elliot smiled at her.
“How’d you know where I was?” Alex asked her head straight ahead into the street in front of her.
“Olivia told me. You afraid of the sun?”
Alex looked at him baffled.
“The glasses?” He said, “It’s, uh, not very bright out here.”
“Oh.” She slowly pushed them off her eyes and looked at him. He could see the puffy redness of her eyes and he knew immediately why she was wearing them-to cover the tears.
“So, Liv said you were getting dinner.” He continued, as though he didn’t notice. Alex averted his eyes, knowing full well that he did notice.
“Waiting for it,” Alex said, absently leaning against the wall.
“Outside? Isn’t it a little cold?” Elliot asked, rubbing his hands together.
“Maybe.” Alex said inhaling the freezing air into her lungs and watching her breath curl into the air. She liked the feeling. It made her feel real.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing Elliot.” She said barely whispering.
“Alex.”
“It’s fine.”
“Guess who you sound like now.” He alleged, leaning against the wall next to her.
Alex took a deep breath and let it out. “She’s been lying to me.” Alex said intent on watching the air curl from her lips.
“About what?” Elliot asked.
“She’d been getting these headaches. She wasn’t going to tell anyone.”
“She thinks she can handle anything.” Elliot said quietly. Olivia had told him the story.
“That’s fine, El. She can handle anything. She wins.”
“Obviously we both know that’s not true.” Elliot said quietly.
“What if that pain had been a blood clot that had ruptured and killed her, and she had all that pain and just didn’t tell anyone?” She demanded.
“It wasn’t.”
“I know that now.” Alex said. “But how would I have lived with myself if it was and knowing I stood by her every day and didn’t see it.”
“You’re not an x-ray machine Alex.” Elliot shrugged.
“But I’m supposed to love her. I’m supposed to be able to help her. And I can’t. I look at her every day and I see the pain there, and I’m supposed to pretend that it’s not there and smile. If I ask about it, she goes nuts.”
“That’s Olivia.”
“I can’t do it, though. I can’t pretend that it didn’t happen. I can’t ignore the stitches and the bruises, because every time I see them I remember how close I was to losing her.”
“Alex, you can’t think about it that way.
“I can’t help but think of it that way.” Alex said, pushing the dark glasses back over her eyes as the tears started to form in them. “I wake up in the middle of the night, and reach for her, and she’s not there, and I remember your voice telling me there was an accident, and I panic. I’m so sure she’s already gone. And when I realize that she’s not, I’m so grateful. I need her to be safe. I’m so scared of losing her.”
“She’s getting better.”
“She’s getting better without me. Without trusting me.”
He threw his arm around her. “Loving Olivia isn’t easy, Alex. Believe me.”
“Love never is.”
“You fell in love with someone who’s fiercely independent. She’s like, I don’t know, a wounded bear right now. Sometimes you’re going to be able to help and sometimes she’s going to lash out at you.”
Alex looked at him, and back at the street. “Why are you here?” Alex asked him, suddenly.
“Because, I care about you guys.” Elliot shrugged at her.
“No, you care about her.”
“Alex, look. We’ve become friends, right? And, in the hospital, I guess I just realized how much we have in common. There’s no reason we can’t support each other. Both of us are going through the same thing, kind of. We love her differently, but both of us need someone to talk to. I just thought, well, I thought I’d offer to listen if you wanted, knowing ultimately we both want the same thing.”
“That’s sweet Elliot.” Alex said with a light smile.
“So, just, hang in there.” He said, scolding himself for sounding cheesy. He looked at her and with his thumbs wiped the tears away that had snaked down her cheeks before hugging her tight to his chest.
The Shower Scene
“Are you sure you really want to do this?”
“It’s you or them. I would really rather it be you. And I really, really want this shower.”
“Are you sure?”
“Allie.”
Alex sighed. She couldn’t Olivia’s whine but she also desperately didn’t want to do this. That’s why there were professional’s here. But she had let Olivia talk her into helping her and the nurses had actually okayed it. “Come on,” she said, letting Olivia sling her arm around her shoulders, while she grabbed a crutch with the other arm.
Alex had been amazed how quickly they had moved Olivia out of bed. The morning after the surgery that had left her abdomen with an ugly eight inch zipper of stitches and staples, they had her sitting up. A physical therapist had been there working on bending her knee the night after her second surgery to fix the torn ligaments and stabilize the bone in her right leg. That night was the first time she had actually seen Olivia cry-the pain written on her face, she had squeezed Alex’s hand. She had seen Olivia trying to wipe away tears, but she had let them fall as the physical therapist forced her knee to bend.
It was also the first time Olivia asked Alex to leave. As much as she wanted to, or as much as
Alex wanted her to, Olivia couldn’t share those moments with her. Her strength, her own self image, relied on staying strong and when Olivia had sent her out of the room, Alex had at first fought. The physical therapist had made her go, though. When she had been allowed back, she looked into Olivia’s eyes and asked why, but Olivia wouldn’t talk about it. She pretended to be happy and that everything was all right. Alex absolutely hated it when she acted like that, but she went along with it, willing to make peace for Olivia’s sake.
The crutches that had come had been a mixed blessing. Olivia’s mood had definitely improved since she could move herself around but she had no fear. Olivia was not afraid to be a daredevil and had more than once had gotten herself into a position she couldn’t get herself out of. She wanted to be normal, and she refused to listen to her body when it begged her to stop. She had nearly fallen, and though Alex had been there to catch her, but now every time
Olivia tried another daring stunt, Alex felt her heart in her throat.
Olivia talked about nothing else but leaving the hospital. She begged and begged and begged non-stop. The doctor’s talked to her, explaining that she needed the extra time in the hospital to heal. The doctor’s told her that because of the number of her open incisions and because of the extra needed physical therapy, she would be there longer than her own record time of ten minutes. Every time they said no, she was determined to go home sooner. And then the headaches had started and they demanded observation time. Olivia was going nuts.
Finally, they had given her a concession. She could take a shower with help. Immediately, Olivia latched onto the idea that Alex would do it with her. She hated the fact that the nurses were involved in everything in her life. If the nursing staff let Olivia decide, she would lick her own wounds in the corner and growl at them every time they came close.
She had begged Alex. Begged her. At first, Alex laughed at her. Then, she started to say maybe. Now, she was standing in front of Olivia with a bathing suit with a bathrobe wrapped around her like a life vest. It was her minimum requirements. She wasn’t going to walk around naked. End of discussion.
“You don’t want them to think you’re going to get lucky in there.”
“No one’s getting lucky in there.” Alex said with a stern face. Olivia smiled. She put her arm around Alex’s shoulder, and Alex leaned hard into her. “Be careful,” Alex said to her.
“I know,” Olivia complained, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. Olivia focused on her balance. The pain in her stomach was intense. Every movement reminded her that someone had been in there poking around at her guts. As long as she could stay off her leg and she could keep her focus the pain wasn’t so bad. She let Alex lead her into the bathroom, and happily sat down on the little shower stool that had been left there for her. Alex threw her bathrobe onto the sink and Olivia smiled.
“Where’ve you been all my life, sexy?” She asked, reaching out for Alex and pulling her body into her reach. Alex, temporarily off balance, yelped.
“Be careful!” Alex warned. Olivia rolled her eyes, and let Alex go. “I’m, I, sorry Liv. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t, Alex. I’m not fragile.”
Alex looked down at her girlfriend’s body which was marked with stitches. She certainly looked fragile. Ugly bruises covered her body, not to mention the ugly red surgical incisions. It scared her. Every time she saw them it reminded her of how close she had been to losing Olivia. This was the first time she had seen them all, head to toe, and it looked like so many. Olivia had been crushed. Her body had literally been crushed.
Olivia sat pretending to be oblivious to Alex’s stare. Alex had brought her real clothes to put on, and she was so happy to know that she was finally going to shed the gown she hated. Slowly, she leaned over sucking in the pain and ripped open the splint on her knee, throwing it to the side. The sound of it made Alex shiver.
“Liv, be careful.” She warned, looking at the angry stitches that ran down the inside of her knee and her leg. It was still swollen and looked painful.
“I know what I’m doing Alex.” Olivia sighed. She could almost bend her knee half way. She did it and stared at it. She could see the look in Alex’s eyes and she hated it. She knew that she could handle it. She hated the pity she could see there.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to touch that.” Alex said, as Olivia started picking between the stitches on her abdomen.
“Alex.” She sighed. “Just turn the shower on.” Alex sighed just as loudly and turned on the water. She adjusted it and turned around to face Olivia, only to see her picking at her stitches again.
“Liv, please. I don’t want anything to happen.”
“You are not helping.” Olivia said, harshly as she grabbed the water spray from Alex, and doused her head. Alex sighed and picked up shampoo, rubbing it in her hands and then through Olivia’s brown hair. “That feels so good,” Olivia moaned.
Alex smiled. “Never thought shampoo could make you make that sound.”
“Wait till you go without it.”
“I thought we both were.” Alex smiled at the double entendre.
“That’s a whole different story babe. And you know, you don’t have to…” Olivia smiled, wagging her eyebrow.
Alex rinsed shampoo from Olivia’s hair. “No, Olivia.” She said, firmly. “In and out.”
Olivia frowned at her, but didn’t reply. Alex could feel Olivia’s shoulders relaxing as she let the hot water pound against them. Slowly, Alex took a washcloth and rubbed it over Olivia’s badly bruised back.
“Harder.” Olivia begged.
“Liv,” Alex warned her.
“Please Allie.” Olivia whined.
“Liv, you have bruises here. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know, Alex. I’m not stupid. I’ll stop you.”
“Olivia, come on. I really don’t want to hurt you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.” Olivia mumbled under her breath.
“Olivia.”
“Alexandra.” She said back in a mocking voice.
“What’s your problem?” Alex asked her.
“You are.” Olivia answered sharply.
“What?”
“Stop treating me like I’m going to break.”
“I’m not.” Alex said, surprise registering on her face.
“Yes, you are Alex.”
“You have serious injuries. I don’t want to make anything worse.”
Olivia snatched the washcloth out of Alex’s hand. “You’re making this worse.” Olivia grumbled.
“What?”
“Us.”
“What?”
“Can’t you hear Alex?” Olivia started to yell.
“Olivia,” she whispered in a hushed tone.
“I am not a baby.”
“I know, Liv, please,” Alex said, desperately.
There was a knock at the door, “Is everything okay in there?”
“Yeah,” Alex answered.
“No,” Olivia answered in unison.
“Olivia.” Alex scolded.
“Alex.” Olivia mocked.
“Ladies?” The nurse called.
“You afraid they’re going to hear.” Olivia said, pointing out the door.
“I don’t want to fight with you.” Alex said, trying to remain calm.
“How noble.” Olivia quipped.
“We’re fine,” Alex yelled to the nurse. Alex bit down on her lip. She didn’t say anything else. “Fine, do it.”
“What?”
“Whatever you want.” She crossed her arms and leaned into the wall. She watched as Olivia struggled.
Alex didn’t want to let the tears fall in front of Olivia--the tears she promised never to shed in front of her. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. She turned and waited for Olivia to say something. She watched as Olivia pushed herself off the seat, balancing precariously on one leg. She wanted to reach for her, to hold her up, but she didn’t. She stayed back. Olivia turned to her and glared.
She blew her breath through her mouth. “Can you help me.” She said rather than asked.
“To?”
“Get dressed.” Olivia said.
“Tell me what you want me to do,” Alex sighed. Carefully following Olivia’s direction, she managed to get her back to bed, but the gnawing feelings didn’t leave her. She felt so incompetent, like such a failure. Every time these fights happened, which was more and more often, she hated to admit, she was left with the deep sense of guilt. There was so much pain inside of her; she didn’t know what to do with it or where to put it. No matter how many times she reached out or how many times she tried, it didn’t work. She needed to talk, she needed someone who understood, and she knew just who that was.
Katherine Quinn
Law and Order SVU
Alex/Olivia
R for language
Chasing Answers
Elliot was on a slow mission to find Alex. Olivia had told him that she had said that she was going to grab food, and he had a pretty good idea of where. Olivia had told him that she was worried about Alex. Olivia told him that everything was going to be okay but that Alex wasn’t happy with that and she didn’t understand why.
They talked about work, only for a few minutes. He could see her salivating for details.
Everything he gave her only made her seem more agitated to be lying in a hospital bed. Without work, their conversation fell into an easy silence, as they both took comfort in sitting together. With a sigh, Olivia finally asked him to go look for Alex.
Olivia was sure Alex had left to cry, something that she hated because for the first time in their relationship Olivia couldn’t chase after her to give her the comfort and love she was so used to providing, even when she ran away. She felt so restricted, and when she was supposed to be there, she couldn’t be, no matter how much she wanted to. She was always waiting for
Alex to come back after finding her own comfort in the world.
Looking ahead, Elliot saw Alex leaning against the wall of a building right across the street from the hospital entrance. The tiny Italian place that she been living out of was overflowing, and he couldn’t decide if she had actually gone in, or was waiting for the lines to die down before even attempting an approach. She didn’t look like she was in any kind of hurry either way.
She was wearing sun glasses even though it was a dark gloomy day. He had noticed that she had been wearing them more and more recently and he wondered why, but never asked. He walked to her slowly, trying to give her time to recognize that he was getting closer. “Fancy meeting you here,” Elliot smiled at her.
“How’d you know where I was?” Alex asked her head straight ahead into the street in front of her.
“Olivia told me. You afraid of the sun?”
Alex looked at him baffled.
“The glasses?” He said, “It’s, uh, not very bright out here.”
“Oh.” She slowly pushed them off her eyes and looked at him. He could see the puffy redness of her eyes and he knew immediately why she was wearing them-to cover the tears.
“So, Liv said you were getting dinner.” He continued, as though he didn’t notice. Alex averted his eyes, knowing full well that he did notice.
“Waiting for it,” Alex said, absently leaning against the wall.
“Outside? Isn’t it a little cold?” Elliot asked, rubbing his hands together.
“Maybe.” Alex said inhaling the freezing air into her lungs and watching her breath curl into the air. She liked the feeling. It made her feel real.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing Elliot.” She said barely whispering.
“Alex.”
“It’s fine.”
“Guess who you sound like now.” He alleged, leaning against the wall next to her.
Alex took a deep breath and let it out. “She’s been lying to me.” Alex said intent on watching the air curl from her lips.
“About what?” Elliot asked.
“She’d been getting these headaches. She wasn’t going to tell anyone.”
“She thinks she can handle anything.” Elliot said quietly. Olivia had told him the story.
“That’s fine, El. She can handle anything. She wins.”
“Obviously we both know that’s not true.” Elliot said quietly.
“What if that pain had been a blood clot that had ruptured and killed her, and she had all that pain and just didn’t tell anyone?” She demanded.
“It wasn’t.”
“I know that now.” Alex said. “But how would I have lived with myself if it was and knowing I stood by her every day and didn’t see it.”
“You’re not an x-ray machine Alex.” Elliot shrugged.
“But I’m supposed to love her. I’m supposed to be able to help her. And I can’t. I look at her every day and I see the pain there, and I’m supposed to pretend that it’s not there and smile. If I ask about it, she goes nuts.”
“That’s Olivia.”
“I can’t do it, though. I can’t pretend that it didn’t happen. I can’t ignore the stitches and the bruises, because every time I see them I remember how close I was to losing her.”
“Alex, you can’t think about it that way.
“I can’t help but think of it that way.” Alex said, pushing the dark glasses back over her eyes as the tears started to form in them. “I wake up in the middle of the night, and reach for her, and she’s not there, and I remember your voice telling me there was an accident, and I panic. I’m so sure she’s already gone. And when I realize that she’s not, I’m so grateful. I need her to be safe. I’m so scared of losing her.”
“She’s getting better.”
“She’s getting better without me. Without trusting me.”
He threw his arm around her. “Loving Olivia isn’t easy, Alex. Believe me.”
“Love never is.”
“You fell in love with someone who’s fiercely independent. She’s like, I don’t know, a wounded bear right now. Sometimes you’re going to be able to help and sometimes she’s going to lash out at you.”
Alex looked at him, and back at the street. “Why are you here?” Alex asked him, suddenly.
“Because, I care about you guys.” Elliot shrugged at her.
“No, you care about her.”
“Alex, look. We’ve become friends, right? And, in the hospital, I guess I just realized how much we have in common. There’s no reason we can’t support each other. Both of us are going through the same thing, kind of. We love her differently, but both of us need someone to talk to. I just thought, well, I thought I’d offer to listen if you wanted, knowing ultimately we both want the same thing.”
“That’s sweet Elliot.” Alex said with a light smile.
“So, just, hang in there.” He said, scolding himself for sounding cheesy. He looked at her and with his thumbs wiped the tears away that had snaked down her cheeks before hugging her tight to his chest.
The Shower Scene
“Are you sure you really want to do this?”
“It’s you or them. I would really rather it be you. And I really, really want this shower.”
“Are you sure?”
“Allie.”
Alex sighed. She couldn’t Olivia’s whine but she also desperately didn’t want to do this. That’s why there were professional’s here. But she had let Olivia talk her into helping her and the nurses had actually okayed it. “Come on,” she said, letting Olivia sling her arm around her shoulders, while she grabbed a crutch with the other arm.
Alex had been amazed how quickly they had moved Olivia out of bed. The morning after the surgery that had left her abdomen with an ugly eight inch zipper of stitches and staples, they had her sitting up. A physical therapist had been there working on bending her knee the night after her second surgery to fix the torn ligaments and stabilize the bone in her right leg. That night was the first time she had actually seen Olivia cry-the pain written on her face, she had squeezed Alex’s hand. She had seen Olivia trying to wipe away tears, but she had let them fall as the physical therapist forced her knee to bend.
It was also the first time Olivia asked Alex to leave. As much as she wanted to, or as much as
Alex wanted her to, Olivia couldn’t share those moments with her. Her strength, her own self image, relied on staying strong and when Olivia had sent her out of the room, Alex had at first fought. The physical therapist had made her go, though. When she had been allowed back, she looked into Olivia’s eyes and asked why, but Olivia wouldn’t talk about it. She pretended to be happy and that everything was all right. Alex absolutely hated it when she acted like that, but she went along with it, willing to make peace for Olivia’s sake.
The crutches that had come had been a mixed blessing. Olivia’s mood had definitely improved since she could move herself around but she had no fear. Olivia was not afraid to be a daredevil and had more than once had gotten herself into a position she couldn’t get herself out of. She wanted to be normal, and she refused to listen to her body when it begged her to stop. She had nearly fallen, and though Alex had been there to catch her, but now every time
Olivia tried another daring stunt, Alex felt her heart in her throat.
Olivia talked about nothing else but leaving the hospital. She begged and begged and begged non-stop. The doctor’s talked to her, explaining that she needed the extra time in the hospital to heal. The doctor’s told her that because of the number of her open incisions and because of the extra needed physical therapy, she would be there longer than her own record time of ten minutes. Every time they said no, she was determined to go home sooner. And then the headaches had started and they demanded observation time. Olivia was going nuts.
Finally, they had given her a concession. She could take a shower with help. Immediately, Olivia latched onto the idea that Alex would do it with her. She hated the fact that the nurses were involved in everything in her life. If the nursing staff let Olivia decide, she would lick her own wounds in the corner and growl at them every time they came close.
She had begged Alex. Begged her. At first, Alex laughed at her. Then, she started to say maybe. Now, she was standing in front of Olivia with a bathing suit with a bathrobe wrapped around her like a life vest. It was her minimum requirements. She wasn’t going to walk around naked. End of discussion.
“You don’t want them to think you’re going to get lucky in there.”
“No one’s getting lucky in there.” Alex said with a stern face. Olivia smiled. She put her arm around Alex’s shoulder, and Alex leaned hard into her. “Be careful,” Alex said to her.
“I know,” Olivia complained, blowing a strand of hair out of her eyes. Olivia focused on her balance. The pain in her stomach was intense. Every movement reminded her that someone had been in there poking around at her guts. As long as she could stay off her leg and she could keep her focus the pain wasn’t so bad. She let Alex lead her into the bathroom, and happily sat down on the little shower stool that had been left there for her. Alex threw her bathrobe onto the sink and Olivia smiled.
“Where’ve you been all my life, sexy?” She asked, reaching out for Alex and pulling her body into her reach. Alex, temporarily off balance, yelped.
“Be careful!” Alex warned. Olivia rolled her eyes, and let Alex go. “I’m, I, sorry Liv. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t, Alex. I’m not fragile.”
Alex looked down at her girlfriend’s body which was marked with stitches. She certainly looked fragile. Ugly bruises covered her body, not to mention the ugly red surgical incisions. It scared her. Every time she saw them it reminded her of how close she had been to losing Olivia. This was the first time she had seen them all, head to toe, and it looked like so many. Olivia had been crushed. Her body had literally been crushed.
Olivia sat pretending to be oblivious to Alex’s stare. Alex had brought her real clothes to put on, and she was so happy to know that she was finally going to shed the gown she hated. Slowly, she leaned over sucking in the pain and ripped open the splint on her knee, throwing it to the side. The sound of it made Alex shiver.
“Liv, be careful.” She warned, looking at the angry stitches that ran down the inside of her knee and her leg. It was still swollen and looked painful.
“I know what I’m doing Alex.” Olivia sighed. She could almost bend her knee half way. She did it and stared at it. She could see the look in Alex’s eyes and she hated it. She knew that she could handle it. She hated the pity she could see there.
“I don’t think you’re supposed to touch that.” Alex said, as Olivia started picking between the stitches on her abdomen.
“Alex.” She sighed. “Just turn the shower on.” Alex sighed just as loudly and turned on the water. She adjusted it and turned around to face Olivia, only to see her picking at her stitches again.
“Liv, please. I don’t want anything to happen.”
“You are not helping.” Olivia said, harshly as she grabbed the water spray from Alex, and doused her head. Alex sighed and picked up shampoo, rubbing it in her hands and then through Olivia’s brown hair. “That feels so good,” Olivia moaned.
Alex smiled. “Never thought shampoo could make you make that sound.”
“Wait till you go without it.”
“I thought we both were.” Alex smiled at the double entendre.
“That’s a whole different story babe. And you know, you don’t have to…” Olivia smiled, wagging her eyebrow.
Alex rinsed shampoo from Olivia’s hair. “No, Olivia.” She said, firmly. “In and out.”
Olivia frowned at her, but didn’t reply. Alex could feel Olivia’s shoulders relaxing as she let the hot water pound against them. Slowly, Alex took a washcloth and rubbed it over Olivia’s badly bruised back.
“Harder.” Olivia begged.
“Liv,” Alex warned her.
“Please Allie.” Olivia whined.
“Liv, you have bruises here. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know, Alex. I’m not stupid. I’ll stop you.”
“Olivia, come on. I really don’t want to hurt you.”
“You have a funny way of showing it.” Olivia mumbled under her breath.
“Olivia.”
“Alexandra.” She said back in a mocking voice.
“What’s your problem?” Alex asked her.
“You are.” Olivia answered sharply.
“What?”
“Stop treating me like I’m going to break.”
“I’m not.” Alex said, surprise registering on her face.
“Yes, you are Alex.”
“You have serious injuries. I don’t want to make anything worse.”
Olivia snatched the washcloth out of Alex’s hand. “You’re making this worse.” Olivia grumbled.
“What?”
“Us.”
“What?”
“Can’t you hear Alex?” Olivia started to yell.
“Olivia,” she whispered in a hushed tone.
“I am not a baby.”
“I know, Liv, please,” Alex said, desperately.
There was a knock at the door, “Is everything okay in there?”
“Yeah,” Alex answered.
“No,” Olivia answered in unison.
“Olivia.” Alex scolded.
“Alex.” Olivia mocked.
“Ladies?” The nurse called.
“You afraid they’re going to hear.” Olivia said, pointing out the door.
“I don’t want to fight with you.” Alex said, trying to remain calm.
“How noble.” Olivia quipped.
“We’re fine,” Alex yelled to the nurse. Alex bit down on her lip. She didn’t say anything else. “Fine, do it.”
“What?”
“Whatever you want.” She crossed her arms and leaned into the wall. She watched as Olivia struggled.
Alex didn’t want to let the tears fall in front of Olivia--the tears she promised never to shed in front of her. She stepped out of the shower and dried herself off. She turned and waited for Olivia to say something. She watched as Olivia pushed herself off the seat, balancing precariously on one leg. She wanted to reach for her, to hold her up, but she didn’t. She stayed back. Olivia turned to her and glared.
She blew her breath through her mouth. “Can you help me.” She said rather than asked.
“To?”
“Get dressed.” Olivia said.
“Tell me what you want me to do,” Alex sighed. Carefully following Olivia’s direction, she managed to get her back to bed, but the gnawing feelings didn’t leave her. She felt so incompetent, like such a failure. Every time these fights happened, which was more and more often, she hated to admit, she was left with the deep sense of guilt. There was so much pain inside of her; she didn’t know what to do with it or where to put it. No matter how many times she reached out or how many times she tried, it didn’t work. She needed to talk, she needed someone who understood, and she knew just who that was.