Redemption - 23/? [PG currently]

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Title - Redemption
Fandom - Guiding Light
Paring - Olivia/Natalia
Warnings and/or Spoilers - No spoilers. This is an AU (Alternative Universe) story, so some stuff will be very different than what is on the show. Reference to drugs. Cursing. BIG TIME ANGST. And a certain horrible act is now in the forefront, so be aware.
Summary - Olivia Spencer is falling apart and takes an undercover case in order to ignore her pain. But along with drugs and crooked cops and an unexpected ally, she finds a reason to finally heal and live again. Multi-chapter thing.
Rating - PG currently, hard-R in later chapters

Notes - Took me a while. Headaches slow everything down. Bah.



She had gone to the church and lit several candles. Her hands moved repeatedly - from chest to head and back again, until she got it right and respected God in God’s house.
And she prayed for the safe return of those she loves.

She walks back to the boarding house, looking up at the first stars in the sky. And she makes a wish to go along with her requested blessings… Not only bring them home, bring them intact and keep them safe and… and heal their pain…

Because Olivia’s eyes stayed with her, to the church and the matches and the kneeling and all the way to now. Those green depths, swirling quick with sadness and with weariness, won’t leave Natalia’s mind.

Help me, God… help me give Olivia the solace she needs… it does not matter what has happened, I know that… Olivia and I, we are good together and it will mend what is broken.

Natalia feels it in her own bones, cracks and imperfections due to so many years of staying alone - believing that it was okay to sit back and never allow herself a chance at real happiness.
But they are fusing together now; suturing weaved by unexpected and amazing love.

She is smiling as she walks into the little kitchen, turning on lights as she goes, making sure everything is ready for her son to come home, safe and sound.

And for Olivia to come back here, so we can… talk and connect and get to know one another…

Whatever nerves that remain in her system… which they are there, making themselves known… Natalia decides to get rid of them in a flurry of activity.

“What kind of cookie says ‘glad you made it home from the drug investigation’?” Natalia muses out loud, digging around her various cabinets and feeling no need to suppress her grin.

Alright, some slap happy humor to get me through the night until Rafe walks in that door!

She decides on peanut-butter chocolate chip.
And whether it fits or not, it makes her feel better to be doing something while waiting for God to answer this evening’s prayers.

/ / /

Frank thinks Olivia looks pale.
But he doesn’t say a thing, his mind still trying to catch up to the latest turn of events.

‘Coz if it is our ADA… if it’s Jeffrey O’Neill… damn, we are in really deep now…

Not that he knows a whole lot about Jeffrey.
The man does his job, seems good at it and competent in the courts.
It was probably five years… or more… since the man came to town, said he was looking for a fresh start and a chance to do some good with his skills in law.
He charmed some of the ladies in town. He made friends with some of the cops.

Just a regular guy.

But now Frank is wondering that is true at all.
Because there isn’t another O’Neill around Springfield. And that is not a name on the list of usual suspects for this drug case.

Frank looks once more in the rear-view, catching glimpses of Olivia’s face in the alternating street-lamps and the moonlight.
It creates this ghostly quality to the woman’s face.

Or more than that… like she is frozen, like she is trapped and she can’t move…

But then it has been a long night for everyone. Frank figures that Olivia Spencer is probably just tired.

Yea. I’m sure that is it. She wouldn’t like me asking anyway. Best to keep quiet.

Frank shifts his eyes to Rafe and the boy is staring out the window, leaning so close to the door that willpower alone might cause it to open.

“You okay?”
“What?”

And the boy looks startled, his eyes refocusing on Frank with confusion.

“Just checkin’ in, Rafe. You alright?”
“Oh. Umm, yea, I guess.”
“Still a little tense after tonight, I bet.”
“…Yea, yea I am.

He looks tired, too… but it is different than…

And Frank’s eyes travel back once more to Olivia, to her motionless body in the back-seat, to her eyes staring off into somewhere no one else can see.

The detective in him wants to find out what is causing such a look.
But the man isn’t ready for that yet - not with the woman who is running off with Natalia Rivera’s heart.

I’m a good guy, but not that good.

The boarding house looms ahead and Frank slows down, watching Rafe practically bolt from the car.
Frank watches Olivia, waits for her to move.
But she doesn’t.

“Olivia, uh, we’re back at-“
“I need to go to the station.”
“Listen, it’s kinda late and I’d like-“
“I’m not asking you to go. Get out of the car.”

Frank gets out, but doesn’t leave quietly. He stays in front of Olivia’s now-standing body, ready for a fight.

She just thinks she can keep on treating me like this… well, I don’t think so.

“We don’t have to be friends, Olivia, but you will respect me as a fellow officer.”
“I don’t have time for this, Detective.”

And her hands come out fast, jerking him to the side like he is a little kid and not a grown man.

“Dammit, Olivia, who the hell do you think you are?” Frank yells out, not caring a bit about keeping the peace, but the woman isn’t listening at all. She is throwing the car into gear and tearing off down the road.

And Frank runs his hands through his hair, frustrated and pissed off. He should go home, because it has been a long night.

For all of us. For me.

But he doesn’t go home. He goes to the nearest bar and orders a beer.
The case can wait until tomorrow. Rafe is safe at home.

Natalia isn’t interested in me and I don’t want to think about who she does like.

And after the first beer, Frank Cooper orders another.

/ / /

Rafe, one day soon… when all of this is over, will liken his mother to an eighteen-wheeler going full steam.
She barrels over anything and everything to get to him as he steps inside their tiny home, just a few steps from Company.

Their kitchen, smelling like sweets, and his mother’s arms crushing him - that is what Rafe will talk about one day… one day soon.

“Thank you, God! You are home, you are home, Rafe… thank you!”
“Ma, calm down… Ma, you’re killin’ me here, c’mon!”
“No. I’m not letting go of my son, who is home.”

But she does pull back a little to grin at him and kiss his forehead.

“Did you get hurt?”
“No, Ma…”
“Did anyone else get hurt?”

Rafe awkwardly raises a hand and pats her shoulder, a move that he intends to be comforting or reassuring… or something… but he is afraid that it just comes off as... well, awkward…

“Ma, we are all fine. Nothing much happened, just some-“
“That’s okay. I… I don’t want to know all you are doing, because then I will just worry more the next time you go out there.”

She steps away, still smiling, but Rafe can tell she is struggling.
Not just with his obviously dangerous night-life. Not just with the potential of him getting hurt.
But it is in her eyes, the brief glance going past Rafe’s head and then coming back to him once more.

You think I don’t know, Ma? You think I won’t remember the conversation we are supposed to have?

“So, I made some cookies. Want one?”
“Sure.”

And Rafe sits down at the table, watching his mother put two cookies on a small plate and pour him a glass of milk. And he has to stifle the urge to laugh, because she is in full-on ‘mom’ mode now.
It conjures up memories of nights just like… a bit earlier in the evening, though… of his mother making sure he had something special to greet the weekend, when he was seven or eight, his feet not yet touching the floor when he sat in their kitchenette in Chicago.

He can feel her eyes on him now, taking in every movement he makes.
A sip of milk, a bite of cookie, repeat and his mother is catching it all like it is a really great film.
Rafe pushes the plate away and leans back in his chair, his feet firmly on the linoleum floor.

“Olivia… she, uh, she kept her promise.”

And his mother slowly sinks into her chair, her head nodding just a bit.

“I knew she would.”

And there it is, the invitation to this talk they are going to have, the one where Rafe must face whatever is going on with his mother and how it might affect him, how it might affect her.

“How did you know that, Ma?”

Their eyes meet and he can tell that his mother knows what is about to happen.
He can see the flash of uncertainty go across her face, only to be replaced with a longing to be understood.
And Rafe, being a good son, cannot deny his mother this want.

Even if I don’ t fully get it.

“I wasn’t looking for this, Rafe. It just… happened.”
“Are you a… you know… ?”
“I don’t think so, I mean… I don’t know, really.”
“But you do like her, right? I’m not imagining that, right?”
“…No. No you are not imagining that. I think Olivia is…”

But Rafe holds up his hand, already sensing the gushing about to occur from his mother’s mouth about one Olivia Spencer and he doesn’t want to know that much about the two of them.

“Look, Ma… I just want you to be happy, okay? That’s all.”
“She makes me happy.”
“How can you be sure? You just met.”

But the smile on her face, that is what tells Rafe everything.
It lights up his mother in a way he has not seen, not in a long time.
And this one, it’s even better than the first Christmas he remembers - in that red pajama set, with whip cream on his nose and a card for his mother in his hand.
It is more than that. It is complete surety, right there, on his mother’s face.

“Okay, Ma… it’s okay with me.”

And there she is again, hugging him like she is stronger than the Incredible Hulk.

Hell, maybe she is. My mother is full of surprises.

“Did she come in with you?” She asks in his ear, not letting him go just yet.
“I don’t know. Don’t think so.”
“Was she… I mean, is she okay, Rafe?”

And this time, he pulls back and studies his mother’s face, pays attention to the tone in her voice.

“I guess so. We were all a little quiet in the car, you know, on the way back.”
“I’d like to stay up and make sure she is alright.”
“You do know she is a cop, right? A really hard-ass one, Ma. She is fine.”
“Don’t curse in our home, Rafael.”

Rafe has to laugh now, because a rule like that coming down in the midst of all this trouble is hilarious to the boy. He hugs her one more time before shuffling off to his room.

‘Coz it’s been a long damn night. Gotta get my rest when I can.

/ / /

She doesn’t want to remember.
Even when it was happening… she didn’t want to remember it.
In the haze of teenage alcohol consumption, Olivia tried to forget what was going on and distance herself from it.
But when she woke up, tattered clothing and tattered soul, Olivia remembered everything.

But she doesn’t want to remember. Not now.
She wants to shove it back down to where it has been - hidden, in the shadows, years and years burying it to the point of nonexistence.

I don’t want to remember. I don’t want to think about this.

And so she pretends it is just a case.
It is just a name and just a person, it is not anything at all connected to her.

But just the sight of his name causes her body to shake.
She is shaking so hard in the station that she is afraid she will rock the building down to its foundation.
Olivia is an earthquake of memories.
And these little rumbles… they point at what wants to come out…

No. I don’t want this. Not now. Not now. No.

But every paragraph of every newspaper, ever document signed, every picture taken in front of a courthouse… they are pushing her and pushing her, they are forcing her deep within and Olivia can’t breathe.

No. Not now. No… I don’t want to remember this, not now, not now…

And there he is - in her mind’s eye, lurking like he always has been, under the surface of her skin - there is Jeffrey O’Neill.
There he is - glass in hand, asking her to dance, smiling just so and being so much fun - there is Jeffrey O’Neill, charming even then, charming her into dancing and drinking and being an adult.
Because that’s what she wanted, on that island and in that world… she wanted to be an adult.

And there he is - taking her hand, leading her around the rooms, letting her fall to the bed - there is Jeffrey O’Neill, smirking and undoing the buttons on his shirt.
And there he is - not listening to her distress, to her begging, to anything at all from her lips to his ears - there is Jeffrey O’Neill, taking everything he wanted.

Olivia is gasping for air, practically shoving the desk from her, causing a high-pitched scrape to echo around the station. A few officers, the late shifters, look over at her.
Mallet is one of them and he takes some cautious steps her way.

But Olivia is only catching this out of the peripheral of her eye, only seeing it with a basic understanding.
Because she is trapped now. She is caught in a web of the past, fighting against Jeffrey’s arms and Jeffrey’s body. She is collapsing in on herself with speed, the air not coming to her lungs at all now.

“Olivia… are you alright?” Mallet asks and she grips onto his arm, holding on so tightly that she might tear the material of his uniform.
“I need… I need to get out of here. Now. I need to get out of here.”
“Okay, Olivia, okay.”

And his voice is trying to be soothing; trying to calm her like one would with a wild animal.
And Olivia can’t stand it.

Not now, I can’t do this now… no, please, no… not now…

“Get out of my way.” She grinds out and pushes him aside, running from the station and the lights and the people she doesn’t know.
She ignores her car and keeps on running, images and agonies from so long ago not able to be left behind. They are clinging to her now. They are awake now and they won’t stay quiet.

And there he is - taunting her and toying with her and laughing at her and having his way with her - even now, even now… just when she thought it could be forgotten.
But she remembers everything.

There he is, Jeffrey O’Neill, back in her life.

And she falls to the ground, not aware of where she is, not even seeing the lights on above her - shining out through the windows of the boarding house. She doesn’t see Company.
She doesn’t see anything except the hot tears filing up her eyes; she doesn’t see anything except her hands twisting against one another so hard that she will leave bruises.

All she can see is her own body, running in another lifetime… down the beach… broken and ruined…
All she can see is Jeffrey’s grin over her, blocking out the room and the music downstairs.
All she can see is that one moment where her life forever changed.

And Olivia doesn’t know how to erase it now.

Not now. I can’t escape him now.

And she just sits there; on the dirty ground in the middle of the early morning, sobbing silently in the town that brought Jeffrey back into her life.
But she knows that is a partial lie.

Because I’ve never been really rid of him.

That was the face she saw from every day afterward, in every man she fucked and in every man she loved, in every relationship and in every chance at happiness - she saw Jeffrey.
She saw what she was worth at sixteen and it wasn’t much.
She was a girl you take advantage of and she was a girl who wasn’t worthy of real love.
Just sex. Just conquests. Just a game.
That’s what she learned that night, so many years ago, underneath Jeffrey.
That’s the lesson that stuck with her all this time. That’s the mantra she has lived ever since.

“Olivia…? Is that you?”

Natalia’s voice is distant, like a dream, and Olivia wants to yell at the woman to stay away.
Because Olivia knows what she is now… what I’ve always been, can’t you see it, Natalia?

Olivia wants to push the hands on her shoulders away, wants to push Natalia away from her body… I am so messed up, so not worth it. Doesn’t she see it?

Olivia wants to be left alone, like always, to be left to her own destruction.
Because anyone who gets too close, they will be wrecked by her.
That’s what I do. I am no different than him. I take and I use and that is all I am worth.

“C’mon, let’s get you inside and I’ll fix you something hot to drink. Everything will be fine.”

Olivia wants to ignore that sweetness in Natalia, she wants to Natalia to be quiet and go away, she wants to make the woman stop this, to just stop all of this.
Because it is useless. It is pointless.
I can’t love anyone, Natalia. Don’t you get it? I am not really here. I am not who you think I am.

And there he is - whispering words like they are wanted, saying things that are wrong and dark and making Olivia listen to them like they are affection - and she heard every single nuance, every single sentence, every single lie.
She couldn’t turn her ears off. She couldn’t tune him out.
And there he is - telling her that she wants it, that this is what she is all about, that she makes men go crazy because she is so beautiful - and she believed him.

They near Natalia’s room and Olivia, registering her hand being held in Natalia’s, pulls the woman to a halt.
Natalia looks like she is about to say something else and Olivia can’t handle that now.
Not now, Natalia. Not now. Not ever. I am not worth that. I’ll show you what I am worth.

And Olivia jerks the woman to her, bringing their lips together.
It isn’t a kiss like the others. Not this one.
It is almost painful in its intensity, like heat and metal meeting; they are melting into one another.

And before Natalia can pull away, try to talk more or anything else, Olivia is walking them back into her room, using Natalia’s back to shut the door once again.

Somewhere, beyond this torture of the past made real, Olivia knows she hasn’t stopped running since that day long ago. She hit the shore and never stopped running away from it.

And she doesn’t know how to stop, not now, not with Jeffrey lingering around every corner in this damn town. Olivia has never known just how to stop running from anything.
Maybe, for a second or two, she slowed down and saw what she might be missing.

I can’t do that now. He’s here and I can’t stop. Not now. Not ever.

Her hands know what to do - she could do this in her sleep.
Olivia Spencer knows how to seduce everyone.
The married man, the single man, the younger, the older - and now, a woman… Olivia knows how to seduce Natalia.
Her fingers move relentlessly, slipping under Natalia’s shirt and molding to the woman’s skin.
She touches and coaxes and demands - and Natalia’s voice gets swallowed up by desire.
Because Olivia Spencer knows what she is doing.

I can’t stop now. I can’t stop running now.

She is going to lose herself for a while in Natalia’s body, in Natalia’s mouth, in Natalia’s warmth.
She dips down and starts tracing some invisible pattern down Natalia’s neck with her tongue.
When she tugs at the shirt more, the tender fibers start to rip and split, opening up Natalia’s upper half like a diamond in the rough, tan flesh on display - smooth and hot and Olivia finds purchase with her lips to Natalia’s breast.

The woman shudders violently, like she is holding back a storm and Olivia pushes her own body closer to Natalia’s.
But her head is drawn up suddenly and Natalia’s eyes are seeking hers, looking so confused and so caring and… so damn good, you are so good and I am not… God, do not look at me like that now…

“Olivia, what is goi-“
“I want you. Am I not making it obvious?”

And Olivia smiles, but it isn’t real, it is just a thing she does with anyone, with everyone.
Even Natalia Rivera, that woman who tapped into some kind of goodness inside of her.

“You can tell me what is going on. Trust me. Please?”

And Natalia’s voice is endearing. It is the kind of thing that Olivia has lived her life waiting for, hoping for and dreaming of. She hoped that, one day, this kind of person would find her.
And Olivia would learn to open up, learn to care, learn to stick around and make something work.
She wouldn’t run anymore.
She would stay still for someone, one day, and the nightmares would end for good.

But there he is, Jeffrey O’Neill, his spit and sweat all over her.
And Olivia cannot live with that feeling, with that image. She has to replace it and fast.
All the nameless people and all those she tried to be with, they did their part in covering up Jeffrey’s face. And if Natalia won’t be the one now, then Olivia will find someone else.

“Just… don’t talk, alright. I need you. I need you now.”
“I just don’t underst-“
“If we aren’t doing this, Natalia, then you’ve got to go.”
“Excuse me?” Natalia questions, her eyes flaring up some with indignation.

Olivia steps back, sexual longing turning to anger.
And this is familiar, too.
So many times she took her rage to the streets, to criminals, to other officers and she let the full force of her temper burst forth.
She would let it explode and take over.
It got her in trouble so many times, suspensions and reprimands.
It got her to this town, on this case, when she put that gun to Phillip’s head.

And then Emma is there in her mind, laughing and playing and Olivia wants to scream until she no longer can. Because her life is just one fucked up mess.
No one can fix it - not Natalia, not my little girl - no one can fix this.

“You should go. I can’t do this.” Olivia says weakly as she turns away from the woman against her door, barely dressed.
“You can’t do what, Olivia? Just tell me what is going on, maybe I can help…”

Those tears are returning again and Olivia doesn’t know what to do.
If she could simultaneously fall apart and grow stronger, she would.
She would fall apart in Natalia’s arms and weep forever.
She would grow stronger and shove Jeffrey’s ghost out of her consciousness.

But neither is happening.
She is standing in a little room in a boarding house, wet trails of sadness going down her face, with nowhere to go and nowhere to run.
She is trapped, unmoving, in Springfield and in those days gone by.

When Natalia steps up behind her, pulling Olivia into a hug, she turns around and buries her face in Natalia’s hair. And she kisses Natalia’s earlobe. And she kisses Natalia’s cheek.
And she finds those lips once more, not in passion, but in solace.
She is crying and kissing and this time… when she says ‘please’… Natalia doesn’t ask ‘why?’.

Those brown eyes are wounded, but willing, and Olivia begs for entrance.
Into Natalia’s arms, into Natalia’s body… and it is granted.

And Olivia loses herself in Natalia, at least for a little while.
Regrets will wait until morning, where they will rise with the sun.
And Olivia will wish to turn back time again, not just to stop what happened at sixteen… but to make this moment with Natalia more than it is.
Because, deep down, Olivia knows it is supposed to be more.

But I can’t stop now… I just can’t…

/ / /