Can't Go Back Now 19/19
Chapter 19
“Don’t pity me now, don’t pity me never.”
-James Agate-
JJ waited until Emily had sat down before locking the door and, after a second thought, taking the key and putting it in her pocket. She sat behind her desk opposite Emily, eyeing the woman intensely with her blue eyes.
“I’m not going to run away,” Emily stated irately.
JJ nodded. “I know. I just don’t want anyone barging in while we speak,” She replied. She saw how nervous Emily was and JJ wanted to reach out to the older woman and told her that everything was alright.
No one said anything for awhile. They were just staring at each other, wanting the other to make the first move - breaking the silence between them. Emily kept glancing at the door, somehow hoping that it would pop open by itself and set her free. She didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to hear any words of pity and sorry from JJ. The blonde didn’t contact her at all after they came back from the case. Not even a single text message was sent to her for a whole week. If that wasn’t a clue of rejection, then Emily didn’t know what that was.
“You’re resigning,” JJ finally said. It was a statement. An understanding. She wasn’t questioning it because she knew. And it made her sad. If only Emily would stop thinking for the worst.
“Yes, I am,” replied Emily, not knowing where this would lead.
The blonde sat straight. Knowing was one thing; Hearing the affirmation was another. “May I ask why?” She asked softly, hoping that Emily didn’t catch the tremble on her voice.
“Why do you want to know?” Emily asked back. “I don’t think it’s any of your business.” She kept her voice low, trying hard to look normal. Emily was too busy hiding her own emotions that she didn’t see how tense the woman opposite her was.
JJ took a deep breath. She needed to keep calm, but she also needed to make Emily understand that being sarcastic would never solve their ‘problems’. “Because I care. I know how you love your job; how you always wanted to be in the BAU. I know how you care about the team. I know that you think of the team as your family. So yes, as your family, I think I earned the right to know the reason why. You owe me that much.”
“I don’t owe you anything, Jennifer Jareau. But if you insist, okay. I’m bored. I want to do something more than just travelling everywhere, catching bad guys. I’m tired of all that. And I have got some good offers from some of my mother’s connections,” Emily said. What JJ had said was right. She loved the BAU. She loved her job. She loved her teammates. She glanced at JJ and her heart melted. She loved the woman before her too much and that was the real reason of her quitting.
“Is it so difficult for you to say it - the truth? That you quit because of me?” JJ said with a hint of sadness. “Do you hate me that much that you are willing to give up your dream job just so you can avoid me, Emily?”
Emily frowned. She was taken aback by JJ’s words. “I don’t hate you,” Emily said. “I can never hate you.”
The brown eyes in front of her looked so heartbreakingly sad that JJ wanted to hold Emily. “Then why are you quitting?” She asked again, desperate to hear Emily saying it herself. JJ rose from her chair. She sat on the desk, very close to Emily and she leaned in, taking Emily’s hand in hers.
The brunette was mesmerized by the warmth of JJ’s hands. She raised her head to meet JJ’s deep blue eyes. “Because I’m not sure I can work with you,” She finally admitted. “I’m not sure I can keep my sanity just looking at you every single day - knowing that you will never love me, knowing that I lost you forever.” She hung her head low, biting her lower lip, hoping that she wouldn’t cry.
JJ sighed. “Emily, look at me,” She pleaded. “You know I love you. And I’m here. You don’t lose me. You will never lose me.”
“The problem is, JJ, you don’t love me the way I love you,” Emily whispered dejectedly.
The younger woman had to lean forward to catch what Emily was saying. Her voice was too soft, almost inaudible. JJ felt like her heart was ripped in two. If she had any doubts before, they were gone. She touched Emily’s chin, asking the older woman to look at her. When Emily’s eyes met hers, she asked softly - as if talking to a child, “The problem is, Honey, you don’t know how much I love you.”
“What?” Emily asked in confusion. She was startled by JJ’s words and she was surprised by the term of endearment. They used some endearments in the past - when everything was taken as harmless flirts - but never serious.
JJ smiled to see the confused look on Emily’s face. “I said I love you, Emily Prentiss. If only you stop yourself from running away from me for once, you’ll know. How can you be so clueless when you’re so smart?” She teased. Somehow she felt her mood lightened up for no reasons. “And yes, I said ‘Honey’.”
Emily didn’t react. She stared blankly at JJ without saying a word. “What about Will and Henry?” Was the first thing she said after she found her voice back.
“You’re not going to just say ‘I love you’ back and forget about it, are you?” JJ said, half smiling. She stood up and returned to her chair. She looked at Emily. “I have talked about it with Will. He wasn’t happy about it. I didn’t mention you but he said he knew - said he saw it in your eyes.” She stopped, giving time for Emily to contemplate. After a while she continued. “Emily, I must say that I don’t know what to do. I love Will. But I would be lying to myself if I say that I don’t love you. I don’t know how much I love Will; but I know for sure that I can’t be without you.” Again, JJ stopped. This time she wanted to give herself some time to think - to rephrase her words. “I never loved anyone as much as I love you now.” She looked at Emily straight in the eyes.
Emily was speechless. JJ loved her. Not as a friend; not as a sister. JJ loved her. She opened her mouth to say something, but she let out a sob instead. Tears fell from her eyes, blurring her vision. She felt as if someone lifted the weight that had been weighing her heart down ever since JJ came back. Her body shivered uncontrollably as the waves of emotions swept through her. She felt JJ moved from her chair and took her into a soothing hug.
“Oh my Emily, it’s okay Sweetie... let it out,” she whispered.
And Emily did. She cried her heart out for a good half an hour, clinging tight to JJ as if for dear life. When the wave passed, Emily didn’t let go. JJ’s sweet scent overwhelmed her senses and the warmth of her body calmed her. “What do we do now?” She asked hoarsely. She felt JJ taking a deep breath, adjusting her sitting position so that she could see Emily’s face.
“I don’t know, Emily. I’ve never been in love with a woman before and I have to admit that it scares me a little,” the younger woman answered.
“You’re in love? With me?” Emily asked in amazement. She sat up straight and looked at the blue eyes before her.
JJ gave her a smile. “Is it so hard to believe?” She returned the question. “I am. And yes, Sweetheart, with you. And before you ask: No, I don’t know when I began to realize that I love you. And no, I can’t explain why.”
Emily leaned forward, kissing JJ on the cheek. “Thank you, Jennifer,” She whispered.
JJ returned the kiss with a brief kiss - on the lips. Before the second kiss began, they were interrupted by the loud ring of the phone. JJ smirked and picked the phone up.
“What the hell just happened?” Garcia bellowed before JJ could say a word. “Do you realize that there is a security camera in your office?”
“Oh, oops!” JJ said, glancing at the security camera - laughing.
“’Oops’?! Reid was here and he nearly had a heart attack when he saw you kissing! ‘Oops’?!” roared the computer tech. “I’m going to cut the feed off. You owe me!” She slammed the phone back, grinning. “Yes!”
Emily frowned. “Who’s that?” She asked worriedly. If someone saw them kissing and reported them, it would be the end of career for both of them.
“It’s just Garcia,” She said when she finally able to stop laughing. She almost laughed again when she saw Emily’s eyes widened. “Don’t worry about her. Now, don’t you have something to do?” The brunette shook her head, she didn’t understand. JJ walked to the door, unlocking it. “You’re still quitting? I believe it’s time for you to go to Hotch’s office and take back that stupid resignation letter - ‘cause I’m not going to let you quit.”
“Bossy much?” Emily asked, raising her eyebrows. She walked to the door but JJ didn’t move. She was still standing between the door and Emily.
“I’m not sorry I love you, Emily. You should know that,” She said. She gave Emily another kiss before opening the door. She made sure that Emily was heading to the unit chief’s office before closing the door behind her. There’s no turning back now. Even if there is, I am not going to turn back, JJ said to herself.
“If I had the ability to change what I had done in my past, the only thing I wouldn’t change is the moment I fell in love with you.”
-A.J-
a/n: For the last time, please comment.. Thank you ((hugs))
a/n2: I made the last quote, so don't kill me if you don't like it.