Redemption - 9/? [PG currently]
Title - Redemption
Fandom - Guiding Light
Pairing - Olivia/Natalia
Warnings and/or Spoilers - No spoilers. This is an AU (Alternative Universe) story, so some things are the same but a lot is not the same. Yep.
Summary - Olivia Spencer is falling apart and takes an undercover case in order to ignore her pain. But along with drugs and crooked cops and an unexpected ally, she finds a reason to finally heal and live again. Multi-chapter thing.
Rating - PG currently, hard-R in later chapters
Notes - Not sure how I feel about this chapter. Well, you decide, readers. Oh yea, ANGST.
Today, of all days, is one where Olivia needs to stay focused.
Today is the day when she finally has a solid lead to check out. Today is the day when she tells Rafe Rivera the terms of their ‘arrangement’. Today is the day when ‘Ms. Martin’ must disappear for a while and Olivia Spencer will come to the forefront.
I can’t get distracted today. Not now. So… Natalia, wherever you are in this town or in this hotel, please just stay away. Because you are one hell of a distraction.
But it must have been too much to ask. That must have been the one thing that Olivia can’t have - and the one thing she so wants.
How about I just call it a fucking mess? I mean, what else can one call an undercover cop falling for the mother of a drug dealer, who said cop is using to track down bigger and more dangerous dealers?
“I must be some kind of idiot.” Olivia mutters under her breath before Natalia sees her in the hallway.
Then those brown eyes light up and the woman is walking quick, steps light and happy.
Natalia Rivera doesn’t hide a thing.
Must be nice to never have a reason for subterfuge.
Apparently, when it comes to their increasingly… I hate to say intimate, but what other word is there? Can conversations, no matter how brief, be intimate if they are not about sex? ...intense encounters, Olivia can’t hide a damn thing either.
Natalia seems to read her like a book, all open and wordy. Or I let her see it. I let her in without even meaning to…
“How are you this morning?” Natalia asks, the joy turning to concern and it pours from every inch of her beautiful face.
I am so fucked.
And Olivia hates this, because the smart thing to do is to pull away now. Before she gets Rafe more involved and then, in turn, tells greater lies to this woman in front of her.
In the past, Olivia wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. She would have used anyone to get anywhere, case or no case. She would have lied and seduced and played every single soul in order to gain what she was aching for.
A bust, an arrest, a one-night stand, a heart… I’ve done so many bad things for my own amusement or my own pleasure. I… I don’t know if I can do this to her… I don’t know that I want to.
And that means stopping all this before it starts.
Rafe’s words from the night before rattle around in Olivia’s head and the boy wasn’t wrong.
Perceptive like his mother.
In the end, Olivia could only hurt Natalia Rivera. It is what she has done to so many others…
…and why break a habit this late in the game, eh?
It is cold comfort, though, as Olivia drags up a smile that is real pretty to look at - if you don’t look too deeply. If you do, then you see it is fake and hard.
And Natalia will see that. It is for the best. I know that. One day, she’ll get that too.
“I’m wonderful! Finally finished talks with your boss, Cassie Layne. Don’t think we are going to make a deal… not quite my idea of a business partner. But a few more days here and then back home.”
Olivia says this all in a too-happy tone and she can see the turning of Natalia’s mental wheels.
The woman has a look that is trapped between confusion and surprise, trying to quickly catch up.
“Well, um, that’s good I guess… that you’ve made a decision. I wasn’t entirely sure why you were here actually.” Natalia grins self-depreciatingly.
Jesus, you are so gorgeous when you do that…
Olivia shakes her head subtly, attempting to dislodge that thought and get rid of it. She smiles more tightly.
“No rumors of me flying around then? Of me buying out Cassie and taking over?”
The questions are lined with a harshness, all intended for Natalia’s benefit.
And Olivia can see the moment when Natalia takes in this sudden coldness, the blank second in those expressive eyes and then the total bewilderment that colors Natalia’s gaze.
Don’t ask me what is going on. Please don’t. I’m not sure how much more of this I can do.
“Are you sure you are alright? You just… I don’t know, seem different somehow.”
That is when Olivia Spencer, ballsy cop and heartbreaker, wishes she could be someone else.
Maybe ‘Ms. Martin’ with her hotel and her easy life, someone who could just invite Natalia out to dinner and listen to the woman talk all night…
But it is so simple to wish and want, not so easy to have and to hold. ‘Ms. Martin’ is the lie and Olivia Spencer is the reality - and it is Olivia Spencer who longs for a chance to just be herself, right now, in this hallway with a really nice person named Natalia Rivera.
“Well, Natalia, you don’t know me that well. And I am fine. In fact, I am pretty chipper now that I get to settle things here and go home.”
And before anything else can be said, Olivia walks away.
She hits the elevator button hard and begs the wires to pull fast, anything to get out of this hotel.
Right before she steps inside and those doors shut, Olivia breaks her own rules and lets her eyes slide over just a fraction, just to see… just to see…
You deserve so much better Natalia. Much better than this. I am so sorry. So sorry…
But the woman is not there. Just an empty hallway.
Olivia hears the delicate ‘ping’ of the doors and leans against the wall, feeling her gut sink right along with the elevator.
/ / /
The staff is moving around, talking and folding and cleaning.
The guests are swarming in and out of every room, from the bathrooms to the lobby.
It is just another busy day at The Beacon and Natalia Rivera would give anything to get lost in the normal mundane activity of work.
But she is on auto-pilot, hands polishing silver door handles and making beds without really being present for any of it.
It was like she was a complete stranger.
Which, if Natalia is being honest, Olivia Martin is a stranger. A guest in the hotel and not much more.
But that isn’t totally true. I mean… we… connected. Or something a lot like that.
Natalia Rivera can be naïve sometimes, but there was a familiar spinning in her head from almost the first moment she saw Olivia. It reminded her of the first time she saw Nicky, the boy who filled up her teenage dreams.
She called it love back then, in all her childish immaturity. And she called it lust when his lips found hers, making very clumsy love on some sweaty night in the Chicago summer.
It is a lot like that. And that… that scares me and elates me all at the same time. Last night especially.
It was like a shot of pure bliss into her bloodstream the second she saw Olivia walk into Company.
It was nice to make the woman smile or make the woman laugh.
It was nice to have a friend who made Natalia feel… special. Because every look that Olivia turned her way was so full of…
Affection. And something more, something more and something very… tempting.
Natalia isn’t sure what is going on anymore. Not with her son, who disappeared almost all night and sneaked back in around four in the morning, no explanation or apologies.
Not with Olivia, who just last night was nice and friendly… and flirty, don’t forget that… as if I could… But this morning, Olivia was the opposite. The woman was cold and removed.
And I don’t know what is going on with me. All my life I’ve been attracted to men. Well, a man. Nicky.
But I find other men good-looking. I don’t recall ever getting like… this over a woman.
Have I?
Natalia releases a sigh of frustration and slams the door to room number ten shut, glad for the solitude of an empty space. The start of a headache pushes behind her eyes and she raises her fingers to massage the side of her skull.
“God, you must have led me here for a reason… but I just don’t get it right now.” Natalia says aloud into the room, with just the ticking of a wall-clock to reply.
/ / /
“No thanks. I think jail sounds better.”
Olivia almost growls with irritation.
This is so not my day.
“So I guess last night didn’t convince you? You know, doing this for the betterment of your life and for your mother?”
“And that’s another reason I won’t do this. My mother. You need to stay away from her.”
“Oh, is that the roadblock then? Fine. Done. I won’t go near her.”
Rafe looks at her coolly, his dark eyes contemplative.
“What was that about?”
“Excuse me?”
“Last night at Company. I mean, really, what is going on with my mother?”
“Not a damn thing. Once I set my sights on you, she was just a way to get closer to you. But if you agree right now, I don’t need to even know her name. Got it?”
Olivia feels like someone is slamming rocks onto her head, the pounding not going away despite the popping of several aspirins hours before. It had been steadily getting more difficult to talk and listen.
It was like the entire world was crushing her down, resting its weight on her fragile brain.
“I could get killed. This guy doesn’t mess around, you know?”
Rafe’s voice pierces her ears and Olivia takes a shuddering breath.
“I won’t let that happen. All you have to do is… just go in there, agree to do a deal or two… listen, you know, for something I can use. Give it back to me. Real simple.”
“Yea, real fucking simple for you. I’m the one who can get hurt.”
Olivia pushes past the pain and steps closer to Rafe, placing her hands on his shoulders.
“I swear to you, I won’t let anything happen. If you can’t believe me, if you can’t believe that I can protect you… then you can walk away now.”
They stare at each other for endless seconds. But she catches it - the flash of belief in Rafe’s eyes, quickly covered up by youthful bravado and distrust.
“I won’t have to go to jail?”
“Yea, sure.”
“Don’t lie to me, not if I am going to do this…”
“I will do everything I can, okay? Frank Cooper is your guy, he’ll help you.”
Rafe sticks his hand out and Olivia shakes it.
Great. Now I just need to make sure good ol’ Detective Cooper is on board with this new plan.
/ / /
“I don’t like this idea. It is putting a young man a great risk!”
Frank’s voice echoes all around the interrogation room and Olivia has to fight the urge to blow her own head off to find relief.
Just convince him and go back to your room. Then you can sleep this fucking thing away.
“Rafe is smart; he won’t do anything to draw too much attention to himself. They’ve already approached him, Maldonado’s men. It is easy. Rafe does a deal, keeps his ears open and I get the information I need.”
“So your ‘crooked cop’ angle is gone then?”
Olivia grins a little. “Nope. I still think that is going on, but one piece at a time, Detective Cooper.”
Frank gets close to her face, leaning in and disturbing her personal space. But she doesn’t flinch - years of training, years of having to face trouble and look like it didn’t bother her come to her aid.
“If anything happens to him, I’ll have your badge. Understand?”
“If anything happens to him, you can take it. I won’t deserve it if Rafe gets hurt.”
Deserve… that seems to be my word of the day…
“It’ll be noted in my final report that I think this is a foolish idea.”
“Good for you.”
Franks steps back and opens the door for her, studying her with a gaze that she can’t quite place.
Like a mixture of frustration and curiosity.
“Foolish and dangerous. Possibly good, but I won’t decide that until after the fact.” Frank says to her back, shutting the door and striding to his desk without waiting for a response.
Why, Frank Cooper, I think you just tried to compliment me. In a very backhanded way, but I’ll take what I can get.
/ / /
Natalia wasn’t waiting. Not really. She just needed to make up an hour or two from several weeks ago.
Tracy needed to leave early and so Natalia decided to fill in for the girl.
A little extra cash isn’t anything to turn down, right? Money is a good thing. And needed. I have a growing boy at home and life isn’t cheap and… yea…
Natalia runs a hand through her hair self-consciously, keeping her other arm wrapped tightly around a stack of towels. She walks down the hallway and tries to even out her breathing.
Okay. I have to be honest. I mean, God is watching and I can’t lie. I want to see her. I want to know what is going on and why she was so weird this morning… and I want to see her. Nothing wrong with that.
We are friends. Or… something. We are something, right? I want to know what we are.
“Right.” Natalia speaks aloud, rushing her steps to room thirteen and knocking rapidly.
“You said I could bend your ear. So, I am going to bend it.” Natalia continues to herself and knocks again.
“Besides, even though I don’t understand it fully and I’m not sure I ever will, I am just… so drawn to you and I don’t know why… but I like it… “ Natalia’s run-on sentence drifts and she knocks on the door again, having to stop her fist from careening down onto Olivia’s face suddenly.
“What the hell…,” Olivia starts, her eyes barely open and her hair all mussed up, “…umm, what are you doing here?” Olivia finishes when she looks fully at Natalia, then her green eyes go to the floor.
“Towels.” Natalia manages, her vision engaged with Olivia’s current state of undress.
I can’t believe I am going to have to tell myself this, but eyes up, Natalia. Eyes up.
“I’m sorry to disturb you. I can come back later.” Natalia says softly, wondering just what she was thinking in doing this, in hanging around to see Olivia like some moony kid.
“Uh… no, you’re already here. You can come on in.” Olivia says just as quietly and that is when Natalia takes in the woman’s almost-sickly pale skin upon her face.
As naturally as if she did this all the time, Natalia reaches out and places her warm palm to Olivia’s face, finding it cool to the touch.
“What are you doing?” Olivia asks with a tone of apprehension, but Natalia feels the shift of weight onto her hand and doesn’t move away.
“You look terrible.” Natalia grins and watches in wonderment when Olivia sleepily does the same.
“Thanks. Way to make a girl feel better.”
“Oh I know a way to make you feel better, Olivia.” Natalia murmurs, lost in the sensation of being close to this woman, this woman who is changing everything - slowly and surely - in Natalia’s life.
Olivia’s smirk does a good job of jolting Natalia back to reality and she has the good grace to blush at the implications of her statement.
‘Coz I didn’t mean it like that… at least, not totally… Dear God, please help me to shut up.
They stay like that for a long time, or so it seems. But then Olivia pulls away and clears her throat. It is visible to Natalia, the wall coming up around Olivia Martin’s body.
“Just put the towels anywhere.” Olivia mumbles, looking everywhere possible but at Natalia.
But Natalia keeps the towels locked to her side, not daring to move an inch now.
“Is this about your daughter?”
“What?”
Olivia looks at her then, startled.
“I think we are friends. You said I could talk to you and you can talk to me. So, whatever is going on… I wish you would tell me, okay? Because it’s true, I don’t know you well… but I’d like to.”
Natalia didn’t realize it, but the air stopped filling up her lungs. She was dangling over the edge, just a tiny string to keep her from falling.
And she waits for Olivia to say something… anything, God, don’t let this… whatever this is… slip away…
“I can’t know you. And I’d like you to leave.”
Olivia’s voice washes over her, causing Natalia to step back involuntarily and she drops the towels.
They hit the floor and lose their neat folded pattern.
She looks at them and begins to kneel down, to fix them , to make them nice and orderly all over again.
“Look, there is no need to do that. Just go.” Olivia’s voice ricochets in Natalia’s head, rough and deadly.
And so Natalia does just that. She leaves room thirteen, gets her coat and walks home.
She eats dinner and washes the dishes. She turns out the lights and lies down.
Natalia lays there and stares out into the darkness of her bedroom, allowing a choking sob or two to finally break the silence.
I don’t know what path you’ve led me down, God… but I’m starting to wish you hadn’t.
/ / /
I shouldn’t have let her come in. I should have gone to another hotel. I should have just stayed in bed and not answered the knocking. I should have pushed her hand away. I shouldn’t have…
Olivia tosses and turns in her bed, tearing the comforter off and then pulling it back on again.
But it was too easy, seeing Natalia at her door and feeling Natalia’s hand on her cheek. It was too easy to just slip right into her feelings and let them show.
And I had to hurt her again. I had to shut her out. I had to keep shoving her away. I had to get her to leave. I had to turn her away. I had to, I had to…
Olivia looks at the clock and wants to call Emma, wants to hear her funny stories and her sweet voice, to drown in that lovely child and never come up for air.
She wants someone to care, to fix this and make her feel good about herself again…
And the one person who can is the one person I can’t have. What wonderful karmic fuckery.
And Olivia doesn’t sleep well this night.
/ / /
Fandom - Guiding Light
Pairing - Olivia/Natalia
Warnings and/or Spoilers - No spoilers. This is an AU (Alternative Universe) story, so some things are the same but a lot is not the same. Yep.
Summary - Olivia Spencer is falling apart and takes an undercover case in order to ignore her pain. But along with drugs and crooked cops and an unexpected ally, she finds a reason to finally heal and live again. Multi-chapter thing.
Rating - PG currently, hard-R in later chapters
Notes - Not sure how I feel about this chapter. Well, you decide, readers. Oh yea, ANGST.
Today, of all days, is one where Olivia needs to stay focused.
Today is the day when she finally has a solid lead to check out. Today is the day when she tells Rafe Rivera the terms of their ‘arrangement’. Today is the day when ‘Ms. Martin’ must disappear for a while and Olivia Spencer will come to the forefront.
I can’t get distracted today. Not now. So… Natalia, wherever you are in this town or in this hotel, please just stay away. Because you are one hell of a distraction.
But it must have been too much to ask. That must have been the one thing that Olivia can’t have - and the one thing she so wants.
How about I just call it a fucking mess? I mean, what else can one call an undercover cop falling for the mother of a drug dealer, who said cop is using to track down bigger and more dangerous dealers?
“I must be some kind of idiot.” Olivia mutters under her breath before Natalia sees her in the hallway.
Then those brown eyes light up and the woman is walking quick, steps light and happy.
Natalia Rivera doesn’t hide a thing.
Must be nice to never have a reason for subterfuge.
Apparently, when it comes to their increasingly… I hate to say intimate, but what other word is there? Can conversations, no matter how brief, be intimate if they are not about sex? ...intense encounters, Olivia can’t hide a damn thing either.
Natalia seems to read her like a book, all open and wordy. Or I let her see it. I let her in without even meaning to…
“How are you this morning?” Natalia asks, the joy turning to concern and it pours from every inch of her beautiful face.
I am so fucked.
And Olivia hates this, because the smart thing to do is to pull away now. Before she gets Rafe more involved and then, in turn, tells greater lies to this woman in front of her.
In the past, Olivia wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. She would have used anyone to get anywhere, case or no case. She would have lied and seduced and played every single soul in order to gain what she was aching for.
A bust, an arrest, a one-night stand, a heart… I’ve done so many bad things for my own amusement or my own pleasure. I… I don’t know if I can do this to her… I don’t know that I want to.
And that means stopping all this before it starts.
Rafe’s words from the night before rattle around in Olivia’s head and the boy wasn’t wrong.
Perceptive like his mother.
In the end, Olivia could only hurt Natalia Rivera. It is what she has done to so many others…
…and why break a habit this late in the game, eh?
It is cold comfort, though, as Olivia drags up a smile that is real pretty to look at - if you don’t look too deeply. If you do, then you see it is fake and hard.
And Natalia will see that. It is for the best. I know that. One day, she’ll get that too.
“I’m wonderful! Finally finished talks with your boss, Cassie Layne. Don’t think we are going to make a deal… not quite my idea of a business partner. But a few more days here and then back home.”
Olivia says this all in a too-happy tone and she can see the turning of Natalia’s mental wheels.
The woman has a look that is trapped between confusion and surprise, trying to quickly catch up.
“Well, um, that’s good I guess… that you’ve made a decision. I wasn’t entirely sure why you were here actually.” Natalia grins self-depreciatingly.
Jesus, you are so gorgeous when you do that…
Olivia shakes her head subtly, attempting to dislodge that thought and get rid of it. She smiles more tightly.
“No rumors of me flying around then? Of me buying out Cassie and taking over?”
The questions are lined with a harshness, all intended for Natalia’s benefit.
And Olivia can see the moment when Natalia takes in this sudden coldness, the blank second in those expressive eyes and then the total bewilderment that colors Natalia’s gaze.
Don’t ask me what is going on. Please don’t. I’m not sure how much more of this I can do.
“Are you sure you are alright? You just… I don’t know, seem different somehow.”
That is when Olivia Spencer, ballsy cop and heartbreaker, wishes she could be someone else.
Maybe ‘Ms. Martin’ with her hotel and her easy life, someone who could just invite Natalia out to dinner and listen to the woman talk all night…
But it is so simple to wish and want, not so easy to have and to hold. ‘Ms. Martin’ is the lie and Olivia Spencer is the reality - and it is Olivia Spencer who longs for a chance to just be herself, right now, in this hallway with a really nice person named Natalia Rivera.
“Well, Natalia, you don’t know me that well. And I am fine. In fact, I am pretty chipper now that I get to settle things here and go home.”
And before anything else can be said, Olivia walks away.
She hits the elevator button hard and begs the wires to pull fast, anything to get out of this hotel.
Right before she steps inside and those doors shut, Olivia breaks her own rules and lets her eyes slide over just a fraction, just to see… just to see…
You deserve so much better Natalia. Much better than this. I am so sorry. So sorry…
But the woman is not there. Just an empty hallway.
Olivia hears the delicate ‘ping’ of the doors and leans against the wall, feeling her gut sink right along with the elevator.
/ / /
The staff is moving around, talking and folding and cleaning.
The guests are swarming in and out of every room, from the bathrooms to the lobby.
It is just another busy day at The Beacon and Natalia Rivera would give anything to get lost in the normal mundane activity of work.
But she is on auto-pilot, hands polishing silver door handles and making beds without really being present for any of it.
It was like she was a complete stranger.
Which, if Natalia is being honest, Olivia Martin is a stranger. A guest in the hotel and not much more.
But that isn’t totally true. I mean… we… connected. Or something a lot like that.
Natalia Rivera can be naïve sometimes, but there was a familiar spinning in her head from almost the first moment she saw Olivia. It reminded her of the first time she saw Nicky, the boy who filled up her teenage dreams.
She called it love back then, in all her childish immaturity. And she called it lust when his lips found hers, making very clumsy love on some sweaty night in the Chicago summer.
It is a lot like that. And that… that scares me and elates me all at the same time. Last night especially.
It was like a shot of pure bliss into her bloodstream the second she saw Olivia walk into Company.
It was nice to make the woman smile or make the woman laugh.
It was nice to have a friend who made Natalia feel… special. Because every look that Olivia turned her way was so full of…
Affection. And something more, something more and something very… tempting.
Natalia isn’t sure what is going on anymore. Not with her son, who disappeared almost all night and sneaked back in around four in the morning, no explanation or apologies.
Not with Olivia, who just last night was nice and friendly… and flirty, don’t forget that… as if I could… But this morning, Olivia was the opposite. The woman was cold and removed.
And I don’t know what is going on with me. All my life I’ve been attracted to men. Well, a man. Nicky.
But I find other men good-looking. I don’t recall ever getting like… this over a woman.
Have I?
Natalia releases a sigh of frustration and slams the door to room number ten shut, glad for the solitude of an empty space. The start of a headache pushes behind her eyes and she raises her fingers to massage the side of her skull.
“God, you must have led me here for a reason… but I just don’t get it right now.” Natalia says aloud into the room, with just the ticking of a wall-clock to reply.
/ / /
“No thanks. I think jail sounds better.”
Olivia almost growls with irritation.
This is so not my day.
“So I guess last night didn’t convince you? You know, doing this for the betterment of your life and for your mother?”
“And that’s another reason I won’t do this. My mother. You need to stay away from her.”
“Oh, is that the roadblock then? Fine. Done. I won’t go near her.”
Rafe looks at her coolly, his dark eyes contemplative.
“What was that about?”
“Excuse me?”
“Last night at Company. I mean, really, what is going on with my mother?”
“Not a damn thing. Once I set my sights on you, she was just a way to get closer to you. But if you agree right now, I don’t need to even know her name. Got it?”
Olivia feels like someone is slamming rocks onto her head, the pounding not going away despite the popping of several aspirins hours before. It had been steadily getting more difficult to talk and listen.
It was like the entire world was crushing her down, resting its weight on her fragile brain.
“I could get killed. This guy doesn’t mess around, you know?”
Rafe’s voice pierces her ears and Olivia takes a shuddering breath.
“I won’t let that happen. All you have to do is… just go in there, agree to do a deal or two… listen, you know, for something I can use. Give it back to me. Real simple.”
“Yea, real fucking simple for you. I’m the one who can get hurt.”
Olivia pushes past the pain and steps closer to Rafe, placing her hands on his shoulders.
“I swear to you, I won’t let anything happen. If you can’t believe me, if you can’t believe that I can protect you… then you can walk away now.”
They stare at each other for endless seconds. But she catches it - the flash of belief in Rafe’s eyes, quickly covered up by youthful bravado and distrust.
“I won’t have to go to jail?”
“Yea, sure.”
“Don’t lie to me, not if I am going to do this…”
“I will do everything I can, okay? Frank Cooper is your guy, he’ll help you.”
Rafe sticks his hand out and Olivia shakes it.
Great. Now I just need to make sure good ol’ Detective Cooper is on board with this new plan.
/ / /
“I don’t like this idea. It is putting a young man a great risk!”
Frank’s voice echoes all around the interrogation room and Olivia has to fight the urge to blow her own head off to find relief.
Just convince him and go back to your room. Then you can sleep this fucking thing away.
“Rafe is smart; he won’t do anything to draw too much attention to himself. They’ve already approached him, Maldonado’s men. It is easy. Rafe does a deal, keeps his ears open and I get the information I need.”
“So your ‘crooked cop’ angle is gone then?”
Olivia grins a little. “Nope. I still think that is going on, but one piece at a time, Detective Cooper.”
Frank gets close to her face, leaning in and disturbing her personal space. But she doesn’t flinch - years of training, years of having to face trouble and look like it didn’t bother her come to her aid.
“If anything happens to him, I’ll have your badge. Understand?”
“If anything happens to him, you can take it. I won’t deserve it if Rafe gets hurt.”
Deserve… that seems to be my word of the day…
“It’ll be noted in my final report that I think this is a foolish idea.”
“Good for you.”
Franks steps back and opens the door for her, studying her with a gaze that she can’t quite place.
Like a mixture of frustration and curiosity.
“Foolish and dangerous. Possibly good, but I won’t decide that until after the fact.” Frank says to her back, shutting the door and striding to his desk without waiting for a response.
Why, Frank Cooper, I think you just tried to compliment me. In a very backhanded way, but I’ll take what I can get.
/ / /
Natalia wasn’t waiting. Not really. She just needed to make up an hour or two from several weeks ago.
Tracy needed to leave early and so Natalia decided to fill in for the girl.
A little extra cash isn’t anything to turn down, right? Money is a good thing. And needed. I have a growing boy at home and life isn’t cheap and… yea…
Natalia runs a hand through her hair self-consciously, keeping her other arm wrapped tightly around a stack of towels. She walks down the hallway and tries to even out her breathing.
Okay. I have to be honest. I mean, God is watching and I can’t lie. I want to see her. I want to know what is going on and why she was so weird this morning… and I want to see her. Nothing wrong with that.
We are friends. Or… something. We are something, right? I want to know what we are.
“Right.” Natalia speaks aloud, rushing her steps to room thirteen and knocking rapidly.
“You said I could bend your ear. So, I am going to bend it.” Natalia continues to herself and knocks again.
“Besides, even though I don’t understand it fully and I’m not sure I ever will, I am just… so drawn to you and I don’t know why… but I like it… “ Natalia’s run-on sentence drifts and she knocks on the door again, having to stop her fist from careening down onto Olivia’s face suddenly.
“What the hell…,” Olivia starts, her eyes barely open and her hair all mussed up, “…umm, what are you doing here?” Olivia finishes when she looks fully at Natalia, then her green eyes go to the floor.
“Towels.” Natalia manages, her vision engaged with Olivia’s current state of undress.
I can’t believe I am going to have to tell myself this, but eyes up, Natalia. Eyes up.
“I’m sorry to disturb you. I can come back later.” Natalia says softly, wondering just what she was thinking in doing this, in hanging around to see Olivia like some moony kid.
“Uh… no, you’re already here. You can come on in.” Olivia says just as quietly and that is when Natalia takes in the woman’s almost-sickly pale skin upon her face.
As naturally as if she did this all the time, Natalia reaches out and places her warm palm to Olivia’s face, finding it cool to the touch.
“What are you doing?” Olivia asks with a tone of apprehension, but Natalia feels the shift of weight onto her hand and doesn’t move away.
“You look terrible.” Natalia grins and watches in wonderment when Olivia sleepily does the same.
“Thanks. Way to make a girl feel better.”
“Oh I know a way to make you feel better, Olivia.” Natalia murmurs, lost in the sensation of being close to this woman, this woman who is changing everything - slowly and surely - in Natalia’s life.
Olivia’s smirk does a good job of jolting Natalia back to reality and she has the good grace to blush at the implications of her statement.
‘Coz I didn’t mean it like that… at least, not totally… Dear God, please help me to shut up.
They stay like that for a long time, or so it seems. But then Olivia pulls away and clears her throat. It is visible to Natalia, the wall coming up around Olivia Martin’s body.
“Just put the towels anywhere.” Olivia mumbles, looking everywhere possible but at Natalia.
But Natalia keeps the towels locked to her side, not daring to move an inch now.
“Is this about your daughter?”
“What?”
Olivia looks at her then, startled.
“I think we are friends. You said I could talk to you and you can talk to me. So, whatever is going on… I wish you would tell me, okay? Because it’s true, I don’t know you well… but I’d like to.”
Natalia didn’t realize it, but the air stopped filling up her lungs. She was dangling over the edge, just a tiny string to keep her from falling.
And she waits for Olivia to say something… anything, God, don’t let this… whatever this is… slip away…
“I can’t know you. And I’d like you to leave.”
Olivia’s voice washes over her, causing Natalia to step back involuntarily and she drops the towels.
They hit the floor and lose their neat folded pattern.
She looks at them and begins to kneel down, to fix them , to make them nice and orderly all over again.
“Look, there is no need to do that. Just go.” Olivia’s voice ricochets in Natalia’s head, rough and deadly.
And so Natalia does just that. She leaves room thirteen, gets her coat and walks home.
She eats dinner and washes the dishes. She turns out the lights and lies down.
Natalia lays there and stares out into the darkness of her bedroom, allowing a choking sob or two to finally break the silence.
I don’t know what path you’ve led me down, God… but I’m starting to wish you hadn’t.
/ / /
I shouldn’t have let her come in. I should have gone to another hotel. I should have just stayed in bed and not answered the knocking. I should have pushed her hand away. I shouldn’t have…
Olivia tosses and turns in her bed, tearing the comforter off and then pulling it back on again.
But it was too easy, seeing Natalia at her door and feeling Natalia’s hand on her cheek. It was too easy to just slip right into her feelings and let them show.
And I had to hurt her again. I had to shut her out. I had to keep shoving her away. I had to get her to leave. I had to turn her away. I had to, I had to…
Olivia looks at the clock and wants to call Emma, wants to hear her funny stories and her sweet voice, to drown in that lovely child and never come up for air.
She wants someone to care, to fix this and make her feel good about herself again…
And the one person who can is the one person I can’t have. What wonderful karmic fuckery.
And Olivia doesn’t sleep well this night.
/ / /