FIC: Crossroads Part 5/?; Guiding Light
TITLE: Crossroads
AUTHOR: Wonko
FANDOM: Guiding Light
RATING: PG for this part
SUMMARY: Natalia needs to make a choice between her past and her future.
TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on the 12th of May and goes off into its own little world at that point.
DEDICATION: This is dedicated to the memory of badtyler, a great writer and an even better friend.
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4]
"But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real."
Olivia finished the last sentence and closed the book softly. She looked down at her daughter who was already fast asleep and smiled. She never got to sleep so easily in the hotel. She always needed at least three stories and even then she wouldn't sleep unless Olivia was actually in the bed with her. She'd become a master of the art of sneaking out from under a slumbering nine year old without waking her in the last week.
But now Emma was back in the farmhouse, in her element, and it couldn't be more obvious just how at home she felt. Olivia sighed. It was going to be a wrench, yet again. Leaving this place had been hard enough on Emma the first time. How was she going to explain to her that they had to leave again when Natalia came back from Chicago?
And how was she going to cope with it herself?
She had to face it - leaving this place had been just as hard, if not harder, on her than on Emma. This was the only place she'd ever felt at home. The only place she'd ever felt at peace. She knew it was because of Natalia, but the feeling lingered even when she wasn't there. She'd spent the evening consciously reminding herself I don't live here, I don't live here, I don't live here. It wasn't helping.
She could feel Natalia in every brick of the house. Her presence surrounded and enveloped her like a warm blanket, floating into her subconscious so subtly that it undid all her efforts to distance herself from this place.
Olivia sighed deeply as she slipped between the sheets. She rolled onto her side, pulling one of the pillows to her chest. She thought she could smell Natalia's perfume, but shook herself to clear the notion. Ridiculous.
She was on the edge of sleep when her cellphone rang. She reached for it blearily in the darkness. "Hello," she mumbled, her eyes squinting open.
"Oh...sorry. Were you asleep?"
Olivia sat up, suddenly completely alert. "Natalia!" Her heart leapt. "No, it's okay, I'm awake."
"Okay..." There was a pause. Olivia listened to the slight crackle of the phone line and Natalia's breathing.
"How's your mom?" she asked after a moment. Natalia sighed.
"She's...herself," she said, then laughed humourlessly. "I don't know why I expected anything else."
Olivia smiled. "And you? Are you okay?"
"I- I'm fine," Natalia said. "I feel like I lost my dad a long time ago." The admission was quiet, but Olivia heard the pain in her voice and frowned. But before she could say anything Natalia brightened and spoke again. "This is completely surreal," she said. "I'm sitting in my old bedroom right now - and it's exactly the same as when I left it." She laughed. "There's even a poster of Joey McIntyre on the wall."
Olivia smiled. "You were a fan?"
"Oh come on, everyone was a fan in the early 90s, weren't they?"
Olivia's smile widened. "I wasn't," she said.
"Yeah, but you're old," Natalia said and chuckled at Olivia's offended gasp. Suddenly she broke into song. "Hey girl in your eyes I see a picture of me all the time. And girl when you smile, you got to know that you drive me wild..."
Olivia laughed and lay back, pressing her ear into the pillow to block out background noise. She closed her eyes and pretended that Natalia was there, lying next to her. "I didn't know you could sing," she said softly. She could almost see Natalia's smile.
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," she said.
"I want to know everything," Olivia replied, without thinking. There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone.
"I...I'd like that," Natalia said at last, and Olivia thought her heart might just burst with love. "I'm sorry," Natalia continued. "That I didn't reply to your text before. I switched off my phone. I just...just needed a little space."
Olivia opened her eyes. "You can have as much space as you need," she said softly. "You know that. But...I'm here for you. Whenever you want."
There was another long pause. "I know," Natalia said at last. "I know you are. I-" she broke off, and took a deep breath. "I do love you, Olivia," she said earnestly. "You know that, right?"
Olivia frowned. "Yes," she said hesitantly. "I'm just not sure why..."
"Because you're everything to me," Natalia replied instantly. "Because you're the one person who sees me for who I am...good and bad. Because you've given me so much and never asked for anything in return."
Olivia took a breath. "I could say exactly the same about you," she said softly. "I love you."
"I know," Natalia breathed.
Olivia lay there for a long moment, a feeling of peace and contentment creeping through her limbs. Maybe everything was going to be all right after all. Maybe Natalia was coming to terms with things. Maybe she'd just been being paranoid. "You should get some sleep," she said at last. Natalia sighed.
"I guess so. If I can manage it with Joey's eyes boring into me all night."
Olivia laughed. "Goodnight," she said softly.
"Goodnight."
Olivia set the phone on the nightstand, a small smile playing on her lips, and sank back into the pillows. For the first time since they'd left the spa, sleep came easily.
* * * * * *
Natalia ended the call with a frown creasing her forehead. She bit her lip. "Oh, you deserve so much better than me," she whispered. Guilt flooded through her, which strangely comforted her. It had been such a constant companion most of her life, she almost didn't feel right unless she was feeling guilty about something.
Sleep was difficult to come by, and not just because of her surroundings. The bed felt strange and deeply uncomfortable. Olivia had insisted she get a decent mattress when they were furnishing the farmhouse and she hadn't realised just how used to that she'd got. This mattress was lumpy and hard in all the wrong places. And it was a single bed - she worried she'd end up on the floor by morning.
When sleep finally came it brought with it dreams, and not the pleasant kind. She saw her father's face, his eyes full of tears, shame radiating from every pore as he looked down at his only child. She saw her mother turning her back on her. She saw Olivia and Emma walking away, their shoulders hunched. Wait! her dream self shouted, though to whom she couldn't say. I'm sorry! And then there was nothing but the sound of gentle sobbing, though she wasn't sure who it was coming from.
She woke up suddenly, her eyes snapping open. The sobbing remained, and she had to touch her own face before she realised that it wasn't coming from her.
"Mom..." she whispered, and slipped out of bed.
Her parents' bedroom was just next door and the walls were paper thin. She'd always been able to hear everything that went on in that room - much to her deep, deep embarrassment when she was old enough to figure out what some of those noises meant.
She pushed the door open slowly. If she was in her own house she'd have to wait a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness. She'd never known darkness and peace as complete as that she'd found at her farmhouse in the night. It was her little bubble, her refuge, a place where the rest of the world didn't exist. But here the amber light of countless street lamps lit the room in a dim glow and she could see her mother, curled up in a foetal position, hugging something to her body and sobbing as if her heart had broken.
And it had, Natalia suddenly realised in a rush. Her mother was cold, she was distant, she was rude, she'd never appreciated anything Natalia had ever done...but she'd just lost her husband. Natalia knew exactly what that felt like.
"Oh, mommy," she murmured as she crossed the room in two strides, sliding into bed beside her. Josephine didn't even look at her, but she opened her arms and pulled Natalia to her in a crushing embrace. Natalia found her face pressed up against the piece of fabric her mother had been holding. One of her father's shirts. She breathed deeply through her nose.
Her father's scent - shaving foam and Old Spice and cigarettes - still clung to the material. Unexpected tears sprung to her eyes. She was cast suddenly back into memory...sitting on her father's lap gazing into his eyes as if he were the most fascinating creature she'd ever seen...riding on his shoulders as he walked the ten blocks from school to home...clinging to his legs as he tried to leave the apartment to start his night shift at the factory.
"Daddy," she whispered. "Oh God, daddy..."
Her mother clung to her, her hands clutching at her back, nails scratching against her skin. Natalia returned the embrace, and if there was some pain in its strength and intensity...well, that was okay.
Where her mother was concerned, Natalia knew, pain was only to be expected.
TBC...
A/N - Quoting from The Velveteen Rabbit again - that's a bit of an inside joke, I suppose. I couldn't help it, although I do feel like a bit of a wanker now *g* Natalia's song is Step by Step by the New Kids on the Block.
AUTHOR: Wonko
FANDOM: Guiding Light
RATING: PG for this part
SUMMARY: Natalia needs to make a choice between her past and her future.
TIMELINE: Begins immediately after the episode on the 12th of May and goes off into its own little world at that point.
DEDICATION: This is dedicated to the memory of badtyler, a great writer and an even better friend.
[ Part 1] [ Part 2] [ Part 3] [ Part 4]
"But he never knew that it really was his own Bunny, come back to look at the child who had first helped him to be Real."
Olivia finished the last sentence and closed the book softly. She looked down at her daughter who was already fast asleep and smiled. She never got to sleep so easily in the hotel. She always needed at least three stories and even then she wouldn't sleep unless Olivia was actually in the bed with her. She'd become a master of the art of sneaking out from under a slumbering nine year old without waking her in the last week.
But now Emma was back in the farmhouse, in her element, and it couldn't be more obvious just how at home she felt. Olivia sighed. It was going to be a wrench, yet again. Leaving this place had been hard enough on Emma the first time. How was she going to explain to her that they had to leave again when Natalia came back from Chicago?
And how was she going to cope with it herself?
She had to face it - leaving this place had been just as hard, if not harder, on her than on Emma. This was the only place she'd ever felt at home. The only place she'd ever felt at peace. She knew it was because of Natalia, but the feeling lingered even when she wasn't there. She'd spent the evening consciously reminding herself I don't live here, I don't live here, I don't live here. It wasn't helping.
She could feel Natalia in every brick of the house. Her presence surrounded and enveloped her like a warm blanket, floating into her subconscious so subtly that it undid all her efforts to distance herself from this place.
Olivia sighed deeply as she slipped between the sheets. She rolled onto her side, pulling one of the pillows to her chest. She thought she could smell Natalia's perfume, but shook herself to clear the notion. Ridiculous.
She was on the edge of sleep when her cellphone rang. She reached for it blearily in the darkness. "Hello," she mumbled, her eyes squinting open.
"Oh...sorry. Were you asleep?"
Olivia sat up, suddenly completely alert. "Natalia!" Her heart leapt. "No, it's okay, I'm awake."
"Okay..." There was a pause. Olivia listened to the slight crackle of the phone line and Natalia's breathing.
"How's your mom?" she asked after a moment. Natalia sighed.
"She's...herself," she said, then laughed humourlessly. "I don't know why I expected anything else."
Olivia smiled. "And you? Are you okay?"
"I- I'm fine," Natalia said. "I feel like I lost my dad a long time ago." The admission was quiet, but Olivia heard the pain in her voice and frowned. But before she could say anything Natalia brightened and spoke again. "This is completely surreal," she said. "I'm sitting in my old bedroom right now - and it's exactly the same as when I left it." She laughed. "There's even a poster of Joey McIntyre on the wall."
Olivia smiled. "You were a fan?"
"Oh come on, everyone was a fan in the early 90s, weren't they?"
Olivia's smile widened. "I wasn't," she said.
"Yeah, but you're old," Natalia said and chuckled at Olivia's offended gasp. Suddenly she broke into song. "Hey girl in your eyes I see a picture of me all the time. And girl when you smile, you got to know that you drive me wild..."
Olivia laughed and lay back, pressing her ear into the pillow to block out background noise. She closed her eyes and pretended that Natalia was there, lying next to her. "I didn't know you could sing," she said softly. She could almost see Natalia's smile.
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me," she said.
"I want to know everything," Olivia replied, without thinking. There was a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the phone.
"I...I'd like that," Natalia said at last, and Olivia thought her heart might just burst with love. "I'm sorry," Natalia continued. "That I didn't reply to your text before. I switched off my phone. I just...just needed a little space."
Olivia opened her eyes. "You can have as much space as you need," she said softly. "You know that. But...I'm here for you. Whenever you want."
There was another long pause. "I know," Natalia said at last. "I know you are. I-" she broke off, and took a deep breath. "I do love you, Olivia," she said earnestly. "You know that, right?"
Olivia frowned. "Yes," she said hesitantly. "I'm just not sure why..."
"Because you're everything to me," Natalia replied instantly. "Because you're the one person who sees me for who I am...good and bad. Because you've given me so much and never asked for anything in return."
Olivia took a breath. "I could say exactly the same about you," she said softly. "I love you."
"I know," Natalia breathed.
Olivia lay there for a long moment, a feeling of peace and contentment creeping through her limbs. Maybe everything was going to be all right after all. Maybe Natalia was coming to terms with things. Maybe she'd just been being paranoid. "You should get some sleep," she said at last. Natalia sighed.
"I guess so. If I can manage it with Joey's eyes boring into me all night."
Olivia laughed. "Goodnight," she said softly.
"Goodnight."
Olivia set the phone on the nightstand, a small smile playing on her lips, and sank back into the pillows. For the first time since they'd left the spa, sleep came easily.
* * * * * *
Natalia ended the call with a frown creasing her forehead. She bit her lip. "Oh, you deserve so much better than me," she whispered. Guilt flooded through her, which strangely comforted her. It had been such a constant companion most of her life, she almost didn't feel right unless she was feeling guilty about something.
Sleep was difficult to come by, and not just because of her surroundings. The bed felt strange and deeply uncomfortable. Olivia had insisted she get a decent mattress when they were furnishing the farmhouse and she hadn't realised just how used to that she'd got. This mattress was lumpy and hard in all the wrong places. And it was a single bed - she worried she'd end up on the floor by morning.
When sleep finally came it brought with it dreams, and not the pleasant kind. She saw her father's face, his eyes full of tears, shame radiating from every pore as he looked down at his only child. She saw her mother turning her back on her. She saw Olivia and Emma walking away, their shoulders hunched. Wait! her dream self shouted, though to whom she couldn't say. I'm sorry! And then there was nothing but the sound of gentle sobbing, though she wasn't sure who it was coming from.
She woke up suddenly, her eyes snapping open. The sobbing remained, and she had to touch her own face before she realised that it wasn't coming from her.
"Mom..." she whispered, and slipped out of bed.
Her parents' bedroom was just next door and the walls were paper thin. She'd always been able to hear everything that went on in that room - much to her deep, deep embarrassment when she was old enough to figure out what some of those noises meant.
She pushed the door open slowly. If she was in her own house she'd have to wait a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness. She'd never known darkness and peace as complete as that she'd found at her farmhouse in the night. It was her little bubble, her refuge, a place where the rest of the world didn't exist. But here the amber light of countless street lamps lit the room in a dim glow and she could see her mother, curled up in a foetal position, hugging something to her body and sobbing as if her heart had broken.
And it had, Natalia suddenly realised in a rush. Her mother was cold, she was distant, she was rude, she'd never appreciated anything Natalia had ever done...but she'd just lost her husband. Natalia knew exactly what that felt like.
"Oh, mommy," she murmured as she crossed the room in two strides, sliding into bed beside her. Josephine didn't even look at her, but she opened her arms and pulled Natalia to her in a crushing embrace. Natalia found her face pressed up against the piece of fabric her mother had been holding. One of her father's shirts. She breathed deeply through her nose.
Her father's scent - shaving foam and Old Spice and cigarettes - still clung to the material. Unexpected tears sprung to her eyes. She was cast suddenly back into memory...sitting on her father's lap gazing into his eyes as if he were the most fascinating creature she'd ever seen...riding on his shoulders as he walked the ten blocks from school to home...clinging to his legs as he tried to leave the apartment to start his night shift at the factory.
"Daddy," she whispered. "Oh God, daddy..."
Her mother clung to her, her hands clutching at her back, nails scratching against her skin. Natalia returned the embrace, and if there was some pain in its strength and intensity...well, that was okay.
Where her mother was concerned, Natalia knew, pain was only to be expected.
TBC...
A/N - Quoting from The Velveteen Rabbit again - that's a bit of an inside joke, I suppose. I couldn't help it, although I do feel like a bit of a wanker now *g* Natalia's song is Step by Step by the New Kids on the Block.