Insecurities
Insecurities
Guiding Light
Olivia/Natalia
Rated PG
Type your cut contents here.
Emma’s eyelids were getting droopy. She would be asleep in a matter of seconds. Olivia and Natalia shared a knowing glance and quiet giggle because once again little Emma hadn’t been able to make it through an entire movie. She was comfortably snuggled between the two women, which was her favorite place in the world. She felt safe, warm, and loved so falling asleep after a long day was easy.
Natalia looked over at Olivia and could she was tired as well. “Why don’t I take Emma upstairs? You look exhausted.”
“Thanks…I think.” Olivia smirked in mock upset then winked at her.
The wink made Natalia’s heart skip a beat but she forced herself to forget about it. She stood up and held out her hand to Olivia to help her up. “No, I’m fine.” Olivia said somewhat curtly and waved her hand away.
Visibly hurt, Natalia stepped back and started to pick up Emma. “Um… okay… I’m going to take Emma upstairs. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thanks. I’ll clean up here and get her lunch packed for tomorrow.”
“Great.” Natalia said half-heartedly.
Olivia knew she had hurt Natalia’s feelings. It had been happening a lot lately and she wished she knew how to stop it. She just couldn’t stand to be that close to Natalia because hiding her feelings for the beautiful woman was becoming more and more difficult. Touching her was simply too hard; living with her and not being able to have all of her was getting increasingly difficult.
“Natalia?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“S’okay.”
Olivia went about her tasks knowing it wasn’t okay. She never wanted to hurt Natalia. What she wanted was to be able to love her openly. She longed to be able to touch Natalia… really touch her. She had fallen head-over-heals in love with her but felt she wouldn’t reciprocate the feelings. No matter what she was feeling, she had to try to make this situation work for her daughter’s sake. Emma loved Natalia and loved being part of her family and living in her home. Truth be told, Olivia felt the same way. She couldn’t bear the thought of being away from her. Her only choice right now was to try to maintain the status quo and not let her true feelings for Natalia known.
She made her way up the stairs and stopped when she heard a soft sob coming from Natalia’s room. Nooo, please don’t tell me I made her cry. She listened carefully at the door and when she heard the plaintive sob again, she knew that it was true. God, I’m such a fool! She knew she couldn’t just leave and go to bed knowing Natalia was so upset. She tried to figure out some sort of explanation for her rude behavior earlier and braced herself to go in and make amends.
She tapped lightly on the door. “Natalia? Can I come in?”
“No! I…I’m very tired. Can I talk to you tomorrow?”
“Natalia, please. I know you’re upset. Just let me talk to you. I want to apologize.”
There was silence. Olivia opened the door slightly and looked inside. She could see Natalia lying on the bed with her back toward her.
Olivia spoke softly. “Natalia I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings earlier. I feel terrible. You’ve been nothing short of amazing and I’ve been acting like an ass. I’ll really try to get a grip on myself. You don’t deserve to be snapped at and I apologize.”
Natalia did not immediately respond but Olivia could hear her sniffling. She walked over to the bed and knelt down beside Natalia, gently running her fingers through her silky brown hair.
“Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry, Honey.”
“Are you and Emma going to leave me?”
“What? No, of course not.”
“Then why are you being like this? I feel like any minute now you’re going to tell me that you and Emma are tired of this place and me and are going to move out. I feel like I’m losing you. So if that’s the case just tell me now. Get it over with because I can’t stand not knowing anymore.”
“Oh Natalia. Please look at me.”
“I’m fine like this.”
“Well then I’m coming to sit by you.”
Olivia walked to the other side of the bed and sat down with her head resting against the headboard. She looked down at Natalia who was wiping the tears from her eyes with the pillowcase.
“Before I try to explain, I want you to know that I have no intention of moving out. Emma and I both love it here.”
“Then is it me? Because every time I come near you, you pull away like I have a disease or something.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just the opposite, actually. Being here feels right. I think that I like living here and I like the family we’ve made so much that I’m scared to lose it. I feel like I have a warm, safe, happy home for probably the first time in my entire life. To be honest that scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to lose this.”
“Why are you so afraid you’re going to lose it?”
“Because at some point you’re going to want to have a family of your own living here.”
“You and Emma are my family.”
“You know what I mean. At some point, you’re going to meet someone and fall in love and then you’ll want him to move in. Hell, maybe that someone is Frank Cooper, I don’t know. But when that time comes, Emma and I will have to leave. So maybe this is my way of not being too attached. I know it’s stupid but let’s face it, I am stupid sometimes.”
Natalia started to cry again. “Olivia, will you just hold me? Just for a minute?”
“Sure” Olivia stammered. She was stunned for a second. She was confused and worried as to why Natalia was crying again and had never seen her act like this before. She straightened up thinking Natalia was going to sit so she could hug her. Instead, she rolled over to her other side and curled into the fetal position.
“You don’t want me to hug you?”
“Please, just hold me.”
A bit hesitantly, Olivia gently maneuvered herself onto her side under the sheet and put her hand on Natalia’s shoulder.
“Can you come closer?”
“Yeah… sure” she said, still a little uneasy as to what was going on.
“It’s embarrassing to ask you this but I just really need to be held right now.”
“No, don’t worry about it. I’m happy to help.”
Olivia was only half lying. She was happy to comfort her but at the same time it was pure torture. She curled herself around Natalia and wrapped her arm around her waist. I’m home. She had dreamt of doing this hundreds of times and now here she was. They fit together perfectly and she could feel Natalia’s warm body pressed against her own. She could smell the exquisite mixture of shampoo, soap, and Natalia. The whole experience was making her extremely grateful and unbelievably sad. She was finally getting to experience what it was like to hold Natalia in her arms but it was only in friendship. She didn’t know pleasure or pain like this existed in the world. It was the best and worst moment of her life.
Trying to focus her attention back to what Natalia was feeling and why she was crying, she spoke softly to her. “I’m worried about you. Is there something else going on? Is everything okay with Frank… and Rafe?”
“I just need a few minutes. Please don’t let go.”
Olivia held on tight. Several minutes went by and the only sound in the room was their soft rhythmic breathing. Both women were lost in their own conflicting emotions and neither knew what to do next. They had no idea that the other was feeling the same way.
Natalia broke the silence. “I’m afraid of the same thing you are, you know,” she said softly.
“What do you mean?”
“Losing this family we’ve made. You could fall in love with someone, too.”
“Well I’m not looking for love. I’m happy where I am right now. You’re not going to lose me unless you throw me out on the street.” Olivia tried to inject a little levity to the situation.
“Well I’m not looking for love either.”
“What about Frank?”
“I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him. I tried to, but they just aren’t there.”
“I see. Well, okay then, let’s just both agree that for the time being we are all going to stay put in this home and in this family. How about that? Will that help you feel better?”
“Yes. This makes me feel better, too. You, holding me. Do you think I’m weird?”
“No I don’t think you’re weird. You have to stop worrying about what people think so much.”
“I know I do. But it does matter what you think.”
“Okay, fair enough. But just so you know, I like this, too. It feels nice to be close to someone.”
“Yeah it does. But I hope I’m not just any ol’ someone” Natalia half joked.
“I didn’t mean it like that, really. Natalia, you are the best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt this comfortable and close to anyone before. You really get me and you were able to see through all of my bullshit. I really can’t believe how lucky I am that you had faith in me and took care of me. I was not an easy person to care about and I know that. It felt safer to keep people at arm’s length so I wouldn’t get hurt. So I’m so grateful that you stuck by me. I know you wanted me to live because you wanted a part of Gus to live on, but thank you for saving my life.”
Natalia propped herself up and turned over so she was lying facing Olivia.
“Hey… you listen to me! I know that initially it seemed like I wanted you to live so that Gus could live. But it was more than that. I could see how much Emma loved you, and I knew that you adored that little girl. I could tell there was more to you than that tough façade you put on. And I was right. You are an amazing person, Olivia. You’ve given me so much and helped me in so many ways. The way I feel for you isn’t because of Gus’s heart. I love you because you’re you.”
Olivia was silenced. Tears ran from her eyes and fell to the pillow. Natalia looked at her with complete and utter adoration and moved her hand to wipe the tears from her face. “Don’t cry,” she whispered as she ran her fingers through Olivia’s soft hair. She moved closer, took her face in her hands and this time kissed away her tears on her cheeks. “Shhh. It’s okay.”
With their faces just centimeters apart, Olivia whispered, “Make it okay. Please make it okay.” Natalia so sweetly and tenderly kissed each of Olivia’s eyes and then her lips…
Guiding Light
Olivia/Natalia
Rated PG
Type your cut contents here.
Emma’s eyelids were getting droopy. She would be asleep in a matter of seconds. Olivia and Natalia shared a knowing glance and quiet giggle because once again little Emma hadn’t been able to make it through an entire movie. She was comfortably snuggled between the two women, which was her favorite place in the world. She felt safe, warm, and loved so falling asleep after a long day was easy.
Natalia looked over at Olivia and could she was tired as well. “Why don’t I take Emma upstairs? You look exhausted.”
“Thanks…I think.” Olivia smirked in mock upset then winked at her.
The wink made Natalia’s heart skip a beat but she forced herself to forget about it. She stood up and held out her hand to Olivia to help her up. “No, I’m fine.” Olivia said somewhat curtly and waved her hand away.
Visibly hurt, Natalia stepped back and started to pick up Emma. “Um… okay… I’m going to take Emma upstairs. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Thanks. I’ll clean up here and get her lunch packed for tomorrow.”
“Great.” Natalia said half-heartedly.
Olivia knew she had hurt Natalia’s feelings. It had been happening a lot lately and she wished she knew how to stop it. She just couldn’t stand to be that close to Natalia because hiding her feelings for the beautiful woman was becoming more and more difficult. Touching her was simply too hard; living with her and not being able to have all of her was getting increasingly difficult.
“Natalia?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“S’okay.”
Olivia went about her tasks knowing it wasn’t okay. She never wanted to hurt Natalia. What she wanted was to be able to love her openly. She longed to be able to touch Natalia… really touch her. She had fallen head-over-heals in love with her but felt she wouldn’t reciprocate the feelings. No matter what she was feeling, she had to try to make this situation work for her daughter’s sake. Emma loved Natalia and loved being part of her family and living in her home. Truth be told, Olivia felt the same way. She couldn’t bear the thought of being away from her. Her only choice right now was to try to maintain the status quo and not let her true feelings for Natalia known.
She made her way up the stairs and stopped when she heard a soft sob coming from Natalia’s room. Nooo, please don’t tell me I made her cry. She listened carefully at the door and when she heard the plaintive sob again, she knew that it was true. God, I’m such a fool! She knew she couldn’t just leave and go to bed knowing Natalia was so upset. She tried to figure out some sort of explanation for her rude behavior earlier and braced herself to go in and make amends.
She tapped lightly on the door. “Natalia? Can I come in?”
“No! I…I’m very tired. Can I talk to you tomorrow?”
“Natalia, please. I know you’re upset. Just let me talk to you. I want to apologize.”
There was silence. Olivia opened the door slightly and looked inside. She could see Natalia lying on the bed with her back toward her.
Olivia spoke softly. “Natalia I’m really sorry I hurt your feelings earlier. I feel terrible. You’ve been nothing short of amazing and I’ve been acting like an ass. I’ll really try to get a grip on myself. You don’t deserve to be snapped at and I apologize.”
Natalia did not immediately respond but Olivia could hear her sniffling. She walked over to the bed and knelt down beside Natalia, gently running her fingers through her silky brown hair.
“Please don’t cry. I’m so sorry, Honey.”
“Are you and Emma going to leave me?”
“What? No, of course not.”
“Then why are you being like this? I feel like any minute now you’re going to tell me that you and Emma are tired of this place and me and are going to move out. I feel like I’m losing you. So if that’s the case just tell me now. Get it over with because I can’t stand not knowing anymore.”
“Oh Natalia. Please look at me.”
“I’m fine like this.”
“Well then I’m coming to sit by you.”
Olivia walked to the other side of the bed and sat down with her head resting against the headboard. She looked down at Natalia who was wiping the tears from her eyes with the pillowcase.
“Before I try to explain, I want you to know that I have no intention of moving out. Emma and I both love it here.”
“Then is it me? Because every time I come near you, you pull away like I have a disease or something.”
“You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just the opposite, actually. Being here feels right. I think that I like living here and I like the family we’ve made so much that I’m scared to lose it. I feel like I have a warm, safe, happy home for probably the first time in my entire life. To be honest that scares the hell out of me. I don’t want to lose this.”
“Why are you so afraid you’re going to lose it?”
“Because at some point you’re going to want to have a family of your own living here.”
“You and Emma are my family.”
“You know what I mean. At some point, you’re going to meet someone and fall in love and then you’ll want him to move in. Hell, maybe that someone is Frank Cooper, I don’t know. But when that time comes, Emma and I will have to leave. So maybe this is my way of not being too attached. I know it’s stupid but let’s face it, I am stupid sometimes.”
Natalia started to cry again. “Olivia, will you just hold me? Just for a minute?”
“Sure” Olivia stammered. She was stunned for a second. She was confused and worried as to why Natalia was crying again and had never seen her act like this before. She straightened up thinking Natalia was going to sit so she could hug her. Instead, she rolled over to her other side and curled into the fetal position.
“You don’t want me to hug you?”
“Please, just hold me.”
A bit hesitantly, Olivia gently maneuvered herself onto her side under the sheet and put her hand on Natalia’s shoulder.
“Can you come closer?”
“Yeah… sure” she said, still a little uneasy as to what was going on.
“It’s embarrassing to ask you this but I just really need to be held right now.”
“No, don’t worry about it. I’m happy to help.”
Olivia was only half lying. She was happy to comfort her but at the same time it was pure torture. She curled herself around Natalia and wrapped her arm around her waist. I’m home. She had dreamt of doing this hundreds of times and now here she was. They fit together perfectly and she could feel Natalia’s warm body pressed against her own. She could smell the exquisite mixture of shampoo, soap, and Natalia. The whole experience was making her extremely grateful and unbelievably sad. She was finally getting to experience what it was like to hold Natalia in her arms but it was only in friendship. She didn’t know pleasure or pain like this existed in the world. It was the best and worst moment of her life.
Trying to focus her attention back to what Natalia was feeling and why she was crying, she spoke softly to her. “I’m worried about you. Is there something else going on? Is everything okay with Frank… and Rafe?”
“I just need a few minutes. Please don’t let go.”
Olivia held on tight. Several minutes went by and the only sound in the room was their soft rhythmic breathing. Both women were lost in their own conflicting emotions and neither knew what to do next. They had no idea that the other was feeling the same way.
Natalia broke the silence. “I’m afraid of the same thing you are, you know,” she said softly.
“What do you mean?”
“Losing this family we’ve made. You could fall in love with someone, too.”
“Well I’m not looking for love. I’m happy where I am right now. You’re not going to lose me unless you throw me out on the street.” Olivia tried to inject a little levity to the situation.
“Well I’m not looking for love either.”
“What about Frank?”
“I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him. I tried to, but they just aren’t there.”
“I see. Well, okay then, let’s just both agree that for the time being we are all going to stay put in this home and in this family. How about that? Will that help you feel better?”
“Yes. This makes me feel better, too. You, holding me. Do you think I’m weird?”
“No I don’t think you’re weird. You have to stop worrying about what people think so much.”
“I know I do. But it does matter what you think.”
“Okay, fair enough. But just so you know, I like this, too. It feels nice to be close to someone.”
“Yeah it does. But I hope I’m not just any ol’ someone” Natalia half joked.
“I didn’t mean it like that, really. Natalia, you are the best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t think I’ve ever really felt this comfortable and close to anyone before. You really get me and you were able to see through all of my bullshit. I really can’t believe how lucky I am that you had faith in me and took care of me. I was not an easy person to care about and I know that. It felt safer to keep people at arm’s length so I wouldn’t get hurt. So I’m so grateful that you stuck by me. I know you wanted me to live because you wanted a part of Gus to live on, but thank you for saving my life.”
Natalia propped herself up and turned over so she was lying facing Olivia.
“Hey… you listen to me! I know that initially it seemed like I wanted you to live so that Gus could live. But it was more than that. I could see how much Emma loved you, and I knew that you adored that little girl. I could tell there was more to you than that tough façade you put on. And I was right. You are an amazing person, Olivia. You’ve given me so much and helped me in so many ways. The way I feel for you isn’t because of Gus’s heart. I love you because you’re you.”
Olivia was silenced. Tears ran from her eyes and fell to the pillow. Natalia looked at her with complete and utter adoration and moved her hand to wipe the tears from her face. “Don’t cry,” she whispered as she ran her fingers through Olivia’s soft hair. She moved closer, took her face in her hands and this time kissed away her tears on her cheeks. “Shhh. It’s okay.”
With their faces just centimeters apart, Olivia whispered, “Make it okay. Please make it okay.” Natalia so sweetly and tenderly kissed each of Olivia’s eyes and then her lips…