(no subject)
A Test of Faith
Author: bldy_destini
Show: Guiding Light
Pairing: Otalia
Rating: PG
Archive: P&P, Incandescentfire.com
A/N: Set during the Christmas episode
A Test of Faith
Natalia stood in the archway casually watching Olivia putter around the living room picking up discarded wrapping and bows. Finally, her friend noticed she was no longer alone, looked at her from under long lashes, slightly embarrassed. “Sorry, I didn’t know what to do with myself,” she shrugged. “Besides, you worked so hard on the food and everything…it’s the least I could do.”
Natalia chuckled, “You know half that food came from Buzz.”
“I know,” Olivia smiled. “But you still outdid yourself.”
“Really not that big of a deal.”
Olivia approached Natalia on a whisper as her slippered feet slid across the hardwood floor; her arms came around the younger woman in a loose hug.
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For all of it,” Olivia said with a sincerity that humbled Natalia. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Emma so happy.”
“You don’t have to thank me for that, ever,” Natalia answered fiercely. “I love her as if she was my own, you should know that by now. Especially after today.”
“I do know that,” Olivia nodded her head slightly. “I may not know why but I do know that.”
Natalia still didn’t understand how it was that Olivia didn’t seem to grasp how Natalia felt about her and her young daughter; she’d thought it had been obvious for some time now. But when Olivia had demanded to know why Natalia cared earlier, when Emma had still been missing, Natalia had been taken aback. How could she not care?
“Does it matter, Olivia?” Natalia asked softly.
“Not tonight it doesn’t.”
They stared into each others eyes for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time; a common occurrence lately. Olivia always felt like Natalia could see right through her, to the very essence of her soul. “You really are amazing,” she breathed, charmed even more as a slight blush crept over Natalia’s face. When the tension became unbearable, the air heavy with shapeless expectation, she added with mirth, “and you’re standing under the mistletoe.”
“What?!” Natalia looked up, jarred abruptly from her thoughts, and chuckled, “Indeed, we are.”
The younger woman expected a kiss on the cheek and that was what Olivia had intended, truly. But at the last moment it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to simply close the scant distance between them, dip her chin, and cover Natalia’s lips with her own.
It was a simple press of flesh, nothing more and yet Olivia felt something profound awaken within her. Before either of them knew what was happening a gentle exploration had begun; lips parted and clung only to return again and again, seeking knowledge and truth.
When Olivia’s tongue tentatively swept across Natalia’s bottom lip, seeking permission, entrance to the warm, wet confines of Natalia’s mouth it was granted seemingly without hesitation and Olivia’s head swam with the implication.
Dear god, so sweet, Olivia thought. She wondered if her knees might buckle when Natalia’s soft hand tangled itself in her hair, pulling her impossibly closer and deepening the kiss. Her own hands trembled where they rested on Natalia’s lower back.
Olivia heard a sigh drift from the younger woman’s mouth and the first stirrings of a powerful desire made her dizzy with the kind of clawing want she thought she’d never feel again; if she’d ever felt anything like this at all.
Suddenly she was transported. She could see their whole lives spread out in front of her in vivid technicolor. Rafe getting out of jail, Ava as a mother, their own wedding here in Springfield, she and Natalia locked in a heated embrace; and then rapid flashes of vacations to Italy and France, Emma’s wedding, playing with grandchildren in the park, dying in Natalia’s arms. It was heady and she could no longer feel the floor beneath her feet; yet still they kissed.
Olivia finally pulled back, slowly, to look at her friend. Natalia’s eyes were closed, cheeks flushed a delightful shade of coral and her breath was coming in tiny, short almost surprised pants. Olivia thought her beautiful and in that moment she knew she didn’t need a creche, a crucifix or any other religious symbol to give her faith. No, in that moment Olivia knew she was looking into the face of God.
The entire world had shrunk to only the two of them, only that room, but it was not to last; reality could only be slowed, not stopped.
From great joy can come great heartache and Olivia felt her heart clench in her chest when Natalia opened her eyes. Shame and guilt converged in the younger woman’s eyes when she looked at Olivia. It was only for a brief moment, before Natalia had looked away, but it was enough to tarnish the moment and strike fear into Olivia’s soul.
For one agonizing second neither of them spoke, moved or even took a breath. This, Olivia thought, this is why I needed to move, this is why I knew it was a bad idea to stay and now it’s too late. I can’t hide anymore.
“I... uh… I should get to bed,” Natalia said, retreating from the haven of Olivia’s embrace. She was embarrassed, mortified, and afraid.
Olivia attempted to hold on, pull her closer but Natalia’s hands on her chest stopped all movement.
“It’s late, Olivia, you need your rest.” Natalia picked at the scattered bits of wrapping on the floor; staring at the pile in her hands, feeling Olivia’s azure eyes looking at her, feeling the blue and green carress her skin, she dropped the trash to the floor once again. “This can wait. Don’t worry about the mess. I’ll clean it up tomorrow,” Natalia said, turning towards the stairs without ever meeting Olivia’s gaze. She hadn’t looked at her once since their lips had parted.
“Natalia…wait…can’t we talk about…”
“I’m tired.” The brunette mumbled, eyes downcast. And confused, turned on, scared, Natalia thought. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“But…”
Natalia looked at her then and held up a delicate hand to forestall whatever objection Olivia might have voiced; the other hand gripped the banister, white-knuckled. She knew if she let go her body may take it upon itself to walk right back into Olivia’s arms and that was wrong; everything her faith had raised her to believe said so. Perhaps asking Olivia to stay had not been a wise decision after all. This may turn out to be a test of faith she could not pass.
“Merry Christmas, Olivia,” she whispered around the emotion lodged in her throat and then quickly disappeared upstairs.
Knowing she wouldn’t be able to sleep, Olivia waited until she was sure Natalia wasn’t going to have a change of heart and come back down. She began to set about cleaning up the mess from a holiday that had gone from confused to sad to joyous and now had her hovering on the edge of madness.
Merry Christmas, indeed.