1 year post; Happy Muffing Day
It's been a busy year, and not just because of recovery. In fact, recovery was really only a major concern in the first three months and only a notable concern for three months after that. My world, though, has changed and the way I look at it has changed too.
First, and most obviously, my gender identity. As I've noted in other posts, not being faced with that wretched piece of flesh every single day has had the unexpected effect of silencing voices that I didn't even realize had been screaming quietly in my mind for all these years. I have a confidence in my presentation that I haven't known in a very very long time. Even the fact that I've gained a stone and a half (the one thing I'll miss about testosterone), hasn't soiled the fact that I feel so much more at ease in my body than I ever have before.
Second, my health. Last year, right about this time (before surgery, in case you were curious), I started experiencing "Diabetic Retinopathy", which means that the blood vessels at the back of my eyes are "leaking", for lack of a better word, into the vitreous humor. It's been something that's been building up for years and has only just expressed itself. Ironically, stopping the usage of spironolactone has made this worse, as the on-label use of spiro is to lower blood pressure. Not taking it means my BP is higher, and thus my blood vessels are leaking more. Consequently, I'm back on a mild dose of spiro, and ramping it down. I take some humor in being the only post-op I know who still takes this medication.
This is, of course, a tumultuous time to be going blind (that's going, not gone), and I'm left with more time to dwell on what diabetes is doing to me. This is the negative side of surgery; Since I'm not besieged by a malformed extern anymore, I'm left with all the postponed rage that I should have been feeling when I was diagnosed with diabetes 20 years ago. I'm angry that one smite by the universe wasn't enough, that the combination of hard word and luck that have allowed me to overcome my genitalia still leave me with a body that will deteriorate before it's time, and lead me to a frail, slow, and painful death. God damnit, I'm tired.
Oh, and I have to have a root canal on the 30th... And the retinopathy means having painful lasers shot into my eyes every few months... And my grandpa died... When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?
Next, my sexuality. In a lot of way, I feel like I didn't have a youth. Working hard to save for a retirement I could be young enough to enjoy, and a surgery that might leave me with complications conspired to leave me as close to a 30 year old virgin as matters. Sure, I had a wild year or two around age 20, and trying to apply the label "virgin" to myself would be laughable, but eventually... Well, my wife left me right about the same time as surgery (I know, when it rains, it pours, amirite?) and I... exploded. I had this great new set of genitals and a sex drive that I'd only heard my ftm friends describe properly.
In the past 12 months, I've had a few sexual partners. A couple were "one-night stands" (not strangers, just not-long term things). A few more were budding relationships that I'd like to see grow further, but are limited by distance and/or circumstance. I was involved with someone who turned out to be a straight woman that "kissed a girl and liked it" (we're still good friends, but not romantic). The last is someone whom I still have very strong feelings for, but again, circumstance gets in the way (more on this below).
Finally, my marriage. I've felt (and do still feel) something very precious for each and every person I've been involved with. Very wonderful and unique things which needn't be exclusive as most of the people involved are polyamorous and understand that the more love you give, the more love you have to give. There's one catch though; My wife. As much joy as the last several months have brought me, my wife continues to be the foundation upon which my ability to love myself and others is built. We were together for over a decade and share something that can't easily be replicated.
She wants to reconnect. She wants to restore our relationship to what it once was. Even though it terrifies me to give her that power again, knowing that she left me once already, I feel like I have to try. Knowing that she's monogamous, and doesn't want to share me with others, I have to try. Knowing that she's vanilla and that my sexuality as a whole will be left incomplete, I have to try. Knowing that I'm putting myself back into a box, I have to try. So I broke things off with my other love interests. I'm trying...
And one last thing, before I leave, I know you're all waiting for that all-important dilation update. I'm on a once per week schedule now, and I've got my yearly exam scheduled for the 28th. I'll post again once the doctor's done poking around down there.
First, and most obviously, my gender identity. As I've noted in other posts, not being faced with that wretched piece of flesh every single day has had the unexpected effect of silencing voices that I didn't even realize had been screaming quietly in my mind for all these years. I have a confidence in my presentation that I haven't known in a very very long time. Even the fact that I've gained a stone and a half (the one thing I'll miss about testosterone), hasn't soiled the fact that I feel so much more at ease in my body than I ever have before.
Second, my health. Last year, right about this time (before surgery, in case you were curious), I started experiencing "Diabetic Retinopathy", which means that the blood vessels at the back of my eyes are "leaking", for lack of a better word, into the vitreous humor. It's been something that's been building up for years and has only just expressed itself. Ironically, stopping the usage of spironolactone has made this worse, as the on-label use of spiro is to lower blood pressure. Not taking it means my BP is higher, and thus my blood vessels are leaking more. Consequently, I'm back on a mild dose of spiro, and ramping it down. I take some humor in being the only post-op I know who still takes this medication.
This is, of course, a tumultuous time to be going blind (that's going, not gone), and I'm left with more time to dwell on what diabetes is doing to me. This is the negative side of surgery; Since I'm not besieged by a malformed extern anymore, I'm left with all the postponed rage that I should have been feeling when I was diagnosed with diabetes 20 years ago. I'm angry that one smite by the universe wasn't enough, that the combination of hard word and luck that have allowed me to overcome my genitalia still leave me with a body that will deteriorate before it's time, and lead me to a frail, slow, and painful death. God damnit, I'm tired.
Oh, and I have to have a root canal on the 30th... And the retinopathy means having painful lasers shot into my eyes every few months... And my grandpa died... When it rains, it pours, doesn't it?
Next, my sexuality. In a lot of way, I feel like I didn't have a youth. Working hard to save for a retirement I could be young enough to enjoy, and a surgery that might leave me with complications conspired to leave me as close to a 30 year old virgin as matters. Sure, I had a wild year or two around age 20, and trying to apply the label "virgin" to myself would be laughable, but eventually... Well, my wife left me right about the same time as surgery (I know, when it rains, it pours, amirite?) and I... exploded. I had this great new set of genitals and a sex drive that I'd only heard my ftm friends describe properly.
In the past 12 months, I've had a few sexual partners. A couple were "one-night stands" (not strangers, just not-long term things). A few more were budding relationships that I'd like to see grow further, but are limited by distance and/or circumstance. I was involved with someone who turned out to be a straight woman that "kissed a girl and liked it" (we're still good friends, but not romantic). The last is someone whom I still have very strong feelings for, but again, circumstance gets in the way (more on this below).
Finally, my marriage. I've felt (and do still feel) something very precious for each and every person I've been involved with. Very wonderful and unique things which needn't be exclusive as most of the people involved are polyamorous and understand that the more love you give, the more love you have to give. There's one catch though; My wife. As much joy as the last several months have brought me, my wife continues to be the foundation upon which my ability to love myself and others is built. We were together for over a decade and share something that can't easily be replicated.
She wants to reconnect. She wants to restore our relationship to what it once was. Even though it terrifies me to give her that power again, knowing that she left me once already, I feel like I have to try. Knowing that she's monogamous, and doesn't want to share me with others, I have to try. Knowing that she's vanilla and that my sexuality as a whole will be left incomplete, I have to try. Knowing that I'm putting myself back into a box, I have to try. So I broke things off with my other love interests. I'm trying...
And one last thing, before I leave, I know you're all waiting for that all-important dilation update. I'm on a once per week schedule now, and I've got my yearly exam scheduled for the 28th. I'll post again once the doctor's done poking around down there.