[fic] Habit (2/2)

Apr 02, 2002 23:36

Habit (2/2)
Rating: PG 13 ; unedited
Pairing: G-RI (Jiyong / Seungri)
Genre: Angst, Drama
Words: 1,735
Author: parkchoongjae 
Summary: You're a hard habit to break. 
A/N: Well, he's part 2. Now that I think about it, I don't think the title has anything to do with the story anymore. HAHA. XD

--

You wonder almost every night how he does it. Like tonight. You cannot sleep and it's almost four in the morning. Yes you are used to sleeping late. But you sleep late because you're writing songs. Not like this. Thinking about the past weeks. How it has been pure torture for you. And you're wondering again how he does it. Maybe he doesn't love you? You heard him right the last time. He said you should know the answer to your question. Well, it seems like he doesn't. Because why is he doing this to you. Breaking your heart and ripping it into a million pieces.

You actually want congratulate yourself for having finished something related to your upcoming album. It was easy the first few days. You just lock yourself in your room and write songs and tap beats.  You again remember the past loves and write about them because those seem to be the stuff that would become a hit. But you can’t help but feel the pain somewhere in your entire being.  And it’s not the pain of the past love. But the pain of the present love that you cannot seem to have even though you try you best to. Weeks pass and it becomes harder and harder for you to work. It’s not like you’re not giving output.  It’s just hard for you to get things done because most of the time you find the lyrics sheet stained with your tears and you cannot stop them even if you want to. So you go back to your bed and bury yourself under the blanket until the tears stop. One time you thought everything was back to normal because you smell coffee and find breakfast on your bed - the same one Seungri brings you. But then you see Youngbae near your bed.

“Ji, you need to eat.  You haven’t been eating properly the past days.”

You sadly look at the breakfast tray.

“Don’t worry, Seungri still prepared that. We told him you haven’t been eating. We know only him can make you eat properly again.”

Your best friend looks at you like his eyes are telling you that he understands you but you need to get yourself together.

“Thanks, Youngbae.”

It was all you could say.

You’ve been eating properly since then. But it doesn’t mean it’s getting any easier for you. Like two weeks ago, the whole  group had a photoshoot for a new CF. He looked so handsome that you stare at him for quite a while and you don’t notice it until the director calls you for your solo shots. If this was an ordinary shoot, you’d be so happy because you can always hold him and hug him and you can always tell everyone it’s just fanservice. You wanted the director to tell you that you two have some shots together so that you can be closer to him - just this once. But no, you think the director is Seungri’s best friend because he gets a shot with all the members except you and you think it’s so unfair. He looked so happy as he puts his arms around Youngbae. The awkwardness is almost gone between him and Daesung maybe because they’re back in their room together. Seunghyun hugs him from behind and he laughs like nothing happened. And while all of this is happening, you want to get angry at him because you think he’s not suffering like you do. But you don’t because you love him so much and seeing him happy is much more important than your own feelings. He catches you staring at him after the director says cut.  That’s when you see it. Although he doesn’t tell you and his actions are telling you otherwise, you see in his eyes that he’s fucking hurting too. He breaks the staring contest you’ve been having and you don’t know if your eyes are failing you or you really saw him blink back tears. You so wanted to run to his side and hug him and tell him, “Let’s stop this, Seungri-yah” But your feet fail you because you don’t move.  You’re in a public place and with everything that is happening in your lives right now, the last thing you need is Public Display of DRAMA.

And you decide tonight is the right time. You hear the door open and he doesn’t notice as he walks past you. You switch the lights on and ask him, “How are you holding up, Ri?” With his back facing you, he answers, “I am good, hyung.” He’s lying to you again. Like you don’t know him. Like you didn’t hear his voice quiver when he said that. “Sure, you are good.  Tsk, next time, practice your lying tactics too, Seungri.” He ignores your comment and opens the door and tells you, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m tired.  I am sleeping. Good night, hyung.” By now, you’re already thinking of ways to thank Daesung because he’s not home and you don’t really need him in the room right now. You push your way into the room.

“What the hell, Jiyong?!”

---

You open the door to your room to stop him from further breaking you.  You walked all the way home to avoid him and this is what you get. Fate seems to be not on your side today. Of course he doesn’t know how broken you have become the past 3 months.  And you don’t blame anyone but yourself.

Now he’s in the same room as you and you feel suffocated. He’s looking at you and you feel your breathing slowing down. Kwon Jiyong, you might kill me. Don’t do this to me.

“Hyung, we can’t do this.”

You tried saying it as indifferently as you can. But you think you fail just a little.

Then you move your feet towards the door so you can leave the room and get some air outside or else your heart might stop beating altogether.

“Seungri-yah, tell me you don’t love me anymore and I will stop all of this. Look at me...”

He grabs you by your wrist and turns you around. That’s when you snap. You can’t take it anymore, your knees gave in and you find yourself crying hard on the wooden floor. You don’t care if he sees you at your weakest anymore. All those emotions you’ve kept buried inside you - you just need them out of your system. Then you feel a pair of arms around you and you can’t help but cry even more.

I’m sorry, Jiyong.
--

You were surprised at his reaction. You didn’t think he’d break down this time. In front of you. You know him. He never breaks down. Not in front you at least. And you can’t help but break down as well. You’re seeing your source of air gasp for his and you can’t help but you wrap your arms and join him on the floor. You cry and cry and cry. If this is the last time you’re going to hold him then you’d hold on to him until he drives you away, again. And if this is really what he wants - for you and him to be apart, then so be it. Even if it means you being broken for the rest of your life, you’ll have to live with it. You just don’t want seeing him like this. Messed up, in pain, obviously hurting because of you.
You’re now on the bed, watching him sleep. His cheeks are stained with dried up tears, just like you. You don’t know how long both of you cried. No words were spoken, holding each other was enough for both of you. You trace his eyes, his nose, and his lips ever so lightly so as not to wake him up. You ask yourself how the hell you will continue living without him by your side. Fresh tears are again beginning to form from your eyes.  You look up and try to blink back the tears and you smile and tell yourself you’re still lucky your room is just next to his and you’re still living in the same roof. He’ll still be there, you’ll still see him and you’ll still be together technically. Yet you know it won’t be the same. You’d have to continue living without the warmth of his hug, the tenderness of his kiss - you’d have to learn to live without him. And you have to start now. Last one, this will be the last one. You lean in for a kiss because you just need to feel his lips on yours one last time.

“Hyung…”

You see him slowly open his eyes. You smile at him but really your heart is breaking into a thousand pieces.

“Don’t worry, baby. This will be the last one. I just want to feel your lips on mine one last time…”

You felt your voice cracked once again. Baby. That’s the last time you’re going to call him that. So you kiss him with all your soul and you’re a bit surprised he’s kissing you back with all of his too. If this was going to be the last, then you’re going to savour it. You suddenly feel your cheeks getting wet again but this time you’re sure it’s not from you. You pull away and you see him crying again. But it’s not like the scene a while ago. Silent tears are flowing this time. He brings his hand and touches your face. He looks so beautiful, so perfect even in tears. Damn it.

He wipes his tears and says the most beautiful thing you’ve ever heard in your lifetime.

“I don’t think I can do without you, Jiyong. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. Will you have me back?”

For the first time in a very long time, you felt yourself exist once again. For you. For him.

“I was willing to let you go already. I was willing to let a part of myself die just to make you happy. You’re my constant source of air, joy and happiness. You’re the reason I exist, baby. How can I not have you back?”

You feel his hands intertwining with yours and you feel this is it. No turning back. No more hesitations.

Just you and him.

In this lifetime.

Forever.

--

It took me a while to finish this really. I know  I need to finish it soon because it's been occupying my brain even when I'm at work. LOL. Anyway, I hope you guys liked this. :)

jiyong x seungri, my fic

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