48 Simple Rules for Success (Or How Not to Date Jensen Ackles)
Pairings: Jared/Jensen, Jensen/JDM, Jensen/OMCs, Jared/Matt Cohen, Katie Cassidy/Lauren Cohan
Rating: R
Summary: Part of the 48 Rules Verse
16: Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor
On his very first day, Sandy, Mr. Morgan's first assistant, said to Jared, "This is a very simple job. There are only two rules. One: never, ever interrupt Mr. Morgan when he's in a meeting. Two: never, ever allow The Ex to get near Mr. Morgan."
The first rule was the only applicable one for Jared's first six months on the job. Most of the other employees knew that if Jared or Sandy said "he's in a meeting" to just turn around and go back the way they came. Clients were a bit trickier on that front, but Jared was good at small talk and he remembered things like the names of people's cats and grandsons and their favorite baseball teams so he could usually distract them long enough. When he wasn't being a glorified guard dog, Jared answered the phone and typed up memos filled with corporate jargon and ran across the street to Starbucks for venti americanos with espresso shots.
Most days, Jared chatted on IM with Chad in accounting, who was a total douche, but had lots of hilarious stories about Mike in R&D and his epic crush on Tom, the beefy receptionist down in the lobby. Chad was a natural gossip at heart and he also had been working at the company when The Ex was still the Mrs. so Jared couldn't help but ask what was up with all of that one day over lunch.
"I cannot believe you don't know about this," Chad said through a mouthful of egg salad. "It was in People magazine."
"Dude." Jared wrinkled his nose. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I read that shit."
"Whatever." Chad rolled his eyes. "You'll hear The Ex coming from a mile away so don't worry about fucking that up."
19: Know Who You're Dealing With, Do Not Offend the Wrong Person
Two days after his six-month anniversary, Jared heard a scuffle in the hallway and was about to get up and investigate when the doors to Mr. Morgan's outer office were thrown open, revealing a tall guy wearing skin-tight clothes and sunglasses, all designer labels, and sporting a scowl which really didn't do much to mar his pretty face.
"Jeffrey Dean!" the guy screamed. "C'mon out here, you lying son of a whore."
It was then that Jared realized The Ex was not a woman but, in fact, a man. More specifically, Jensen Ackles, the model/actor/singer/clothing designer/artist/whatever else. Now everything Chad mentioned made a hell of a lot more sense. Jensen was known for being a diva and wasn't above resorting to temper-tantrums and violence to get his way.
Jared reluctantly stood and blocked the door. "I'm sorry, sir, but you can't go in there."
"The hell I can't," Jensen snarled. "This company is half mine and don't you forget it, Jeffrey Dean. I want my fucking quarterly payment."
The last half was obviously directed at the door. Jared sighed and pressed his palm against Jensen's chest when he tried to step toward the door again.
"Get your fucking hands off of me," Jensen snapped before shoving Jared away with surprising force.
By the time Jared recovered, Jensen had not only gotten through the door, but had slammed it shut behind him, thus interrupting Mr. Morgan on a conference call. In the space of two minutes, Jared had fucked up the only two rules of his job and was pretty sure Sandy was going to kill him when she got back from lunch. If Jared wasn't already kicked out of the building on his ass by then.
37: Create Compelling Spectacles
While he was standing there flailing, the phone started to ring and Jared answered it automatically.
"Mr. Morgan's office."
"Jared! The bitch got through the lobby! I'm sorry, man, lock the doors. Batten down the hatches. Girder your loins!"
Jared sighed heavily at Tom's theatrics. "Yeah, too late for that."
He hung up and went back behind his desk where he tried very hard not to overhear snippets of the conversation behind the glass doors. By conversation, Jared really meant screaming match so it was hard to not hear it all, really.
"Where's my fucking money?"
"The board is no longer interested in financing your line. You spend more on promotion and materials than the damn thing has ever made. They've reduced your salary to make up for the loss. Got a problem with that; go talk to accounting."
"More like you kissed ass until the board did what you wanted."
"Or maybe because I actually work at this company instead of wandering in every three months for money!"
"I thought my job was to shut up and suck your cock like a good little bitch."
That was said with a seductive purr and then there's silence for awhile. Jared figured the live-action version of the sentence was going on and got back to filing memos.
Twenty minutes later, Jensen walked out, Mr. Morgan trailing behind him. Jensen's eyes landed on Jared and Mr. Morgan sighed.
"Jared? You're being reassigned to Mr. Ackles."
With that, Mr. Morgan turned and went back into his office, slamming the door behind him. Jared stood there, frozen in disbelief, until Jensen snapped his fingers at him.
"I don't have all day," Jensen huffed before storming off down the hallway.
31: Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards You Deal
It turned out that the room everyone used for impromptu meetings was actually Jensen's office. There was an empty cube just outside of it, same as for Mr. Morgan, but Jensen insisted that Jared take the desk in the office as he preferred the couch. Jared was beginning to suspect that he was either going to be stuck doing all the work while Jensen admired his nails or his job was going to get very boring watching Jensen admire his nails because there was nothing else to do.
But at least he still had a job.
7: Get Others to Do the Work for You, but Always Take the Credit
"So," Jensen sighed after a week of Jared spending every day surfing the web for eight hours while Jensen took naps or sketched stuff or texted people. "What exactly did you do for Jeffrey, anyway?"
"Uh." Jared was startled by the question and almost knocked over a cup filled with pens. "Typed memos, answered the phone, and kept his schedule. Typical assistant stuff."
He left out the two major rules as he figured Jensen would throw some kind of fit over the second one. Or laugh at him for failing to do his job correctly.
"Well." Jensen pulled a large binder out of his Burberry satchel. "I don't have any need for any of that."
Jared's heart started pounding; he was going to be out of a job. With the way the economy was, he wouldn't find another one and would lose his apartment and wind up sleeping on the streets, forced to do unsavory things for food.
"But." Jensen tossed the binder on the desk. "I do need someone to take care of that."
"What is it?" Jared asked, relief tingeing his voice.
"That is only the most important document you'll ever read in your life," Jensen answered as he stretched out on the couch. "My social calendar."
It was only the tantalizing view of Jensen's stomach that prevented Jared from laughing. "Right."
"So your job is to keep track of all of that. Make sure I make it to the right places at the right time in just the right outfit with just the right man on my arm." Jensen rolled over and pointed a finger at Jared. "In fact, you should move in with me to make this easier."
"What?"
"Yes." Jensen snapped his fingers. "And you can be my back-up man candy."
"M-man candy?"
"Well, you are gay, aren't you?" Jensen raised an eyebrow. "A thousand boys would kill to be in your position."
Jared was pretty sure he didn't sign up for the gay version of The Devil Wears Prada. "Yes, but I can't just move in with you. I have an apartment and… and a life outside of work!"
Jensen waved his hand dismissively. "Whatever. Sub-let. Besides, your life couldn’t possibly be as interesting or as important as mine."
It's the ego that ate Manhattan, Jared thought as he stared wide-eyed at his boss. No amount of money was worth dealing with The Ex twenty-four-seven.
"I'll triple your salary and pay your living expenses," Jensen said when Jared didn't answer right away.
"Deal," Jared answered despite himself.
23: Concentrate Your Forces
One week later, Jared found himself moving into a mansion roughly the size of a small city, complete with an army of caretakers. There were three people alone who seemed to do nothing but take care of the twenty-odd cars that Jensen never drove, not to mention a maid and butler on each of the three floors despite the fact that only two bedrooms in the entire place seemed to ever be occupied, upwards of a dozen people tending to the gardens and pool and not one, but three chefs. Jensen seemed to have a thing about threes that extended even to his choices in décor that Jared didn't dare question.
All of it was bizarre and highly unnecessary, in Jared's opinion, but he got the feeling that Jensen didn't do well on his own.
17: Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability
"What is this? What the hell is this? Are you trying to poison me? Clog my pores? Make me fat?"
Jared winced as Jensen's voice rose in volume and pitch. The man was obsessive about what he ate to the point that Jared wondered why the staff bothered serving anything other than baby greens and water. Even the slightest hint of calories sent Jensen into a panicked, hysterical rage about becoming old and fat and ugly. As if being a 25-year-old with a 30-inch waist and a face that would make Michelangelo's David weep in shame fit anyone's definition of any of those things.
"It's just an avocado, from the garden, Mr. Jensen," Miguel, the morning chef, tried to explain.
"You know what avocado means in Spanish?" Jensen picked up the small slice of avocado and flung it at the chef's face. "Oily, fat, fired chef!"
"Mr. Jensen, please-"
With a slight shake of his head, Jared stopped Miguel's apology in its tracks. Miguel slunk off to the kitchen, no doubt thinking he was fired, when in reality Jensen would have forgotten about it by the afternoon. Jensen didn't even know most of the staff's names, Jared quickly found out. He routinely called them by their station: Chef, Driver, Maid, and Gardner. Considering how often the staff quit, even Jared could see that it was pointless to bother to keep up.
"Avocado is good for your skin," Jared dared to suggest while he watched Jensen scrub his fingers clean with a white, linen napkin that no doubt cost more than Jared made in a week.
"Like you know anything," Jensen huffed and pointed at Jared's plate of scrambled eggs and sausage. "Cholesterol, fat, grease, animal by-products."
Jared shoved a forkful into his mouth and tipped his head at Jensen's plate. "Better than the weeds they pulled out of the east garden."
Jensen pushed himself away from the table and stalked out of the room, his shoes clacking against the marble floors as he shouted for the driver. Jared knew he would pay for that later, but for that moment, he smirked in glee before taking a moment to savor his breakfast in peace.
"Jared!"
Of course, that didn't last long.
30: Make Your Accomplishments Seem Effortless
Even though Jensen was known for being something; he often appeared to be doing absolutely nothing. His men's clothing line appeared in multiple stores, posing as everything from couture to discount mass merchandise, but Jared had yet to see Jensen do anything related to creating clothes unless wearing them once before discarding them counted. There was an exhibit at the local art museum of Jensen's pop-art paintings, but Jared had yet to see Jensen pick up a paint brush. A billboard of Jensen in a pair of Calvin Klein boxers graced every other bus, yet Jensen had yet to go to a photo shoot of any kind.
Instead Jensen seemed to spend most of his time attending parties, planning parties, or obsessing over nearly invisible flaws on everything from his own body to the way the garden staff mowed the lawn that morning.
This left Jared mostly bored out of his mind.
8: Make Other People Come to You, Use Bait if Necessary
"Do you see this?" Jensen demanded.
Jared glanced up from the latest issue of People, which featured an article on some charity foundation Jensen created that Jared had yet to see him actually do anything for, to find Jensen's ass in his face. He flailed in surprise, sending the chair tipping backwards.
"That's cellulite, isn't it? I knew that Chef was poisoning me," Jensen continued without even glancing back to see if Jared was okay.
"I highly doubt it's cellulite," Jared muttered as he stood up, brushing off his jeans.
"Are you kidding me?" Jensen pointed at his ass again. "That looks like cottage cheese."
Jared squinted at the flawless canvas of skin before him. "I'm pretty sure that's just a dimple."
"Whatever." Jensen shimmed into a pair of jeans so tight that they had to be illegal in several states. "Call Pablo and tell him I need another hour of Pilates on Thursdays."
While Jensen slipped on a similarly illegal shirt, Jared picked up Jensen's massive day-planner and jotted down a reminder to call Pablo later that day. Pablo was Jensen's personal trainer and one of the few people Jensen bothered to remember by name. Jared got the feeling that Pablo wished Jensen would lose his number judging by the heavy sigh Jared got every time he had to call the man.
He didn't blame Pablo; Jared spent a lot of time resisting the urge to do the same.
46: Never Appear Perfect
Jensen's quest for physical perfection was a bizarre counterpoint to the men he dated. Every single one of them was somewhere between a four and a seven to Jensen's near perfect nine-- Jared deducted one point for personality. Jeffrey Dean, the one and only ex-husband, was maybe an eight, even if he was much older than Jensen. The short wrestler Jensen was currently salivating over was maybe a six on a good day and the balding stockbroker prior to him, barely passable as a four.
One thing they all had in common? Big dicks.
Jared knew this because Jensen kept track of all his dates, one night stands, hook-ups, and other sexual encounters in the giant day-planner under the not-so-cleverly labeled tab 'MILF'. Each paramour's name was followed by a list of attributes that Jensen apparently deemed important: top or bottom or switch, cock size, stamina in bed, shoe size, annual income, net worth, and phone number. All of this was followed by cryptic notes like, sunny, opera, pulls out and Chicago, CD collection, handcuffs.
So far, Jared had not gleaned any important insights from this other than the shoe size indicates cock size myth was about seventy-five percent accurate and that Jensen had fucked a lot of men.
6: Court Attention at All Cost
Surprisingly, the hardest part of Jared's job was not dealing with Jensen. After only a few weeks in the mansion, Jared had mostly learned to tune out the temper tantrums and strange demands, and it's not like getting paid to live in the lap of luxury was exactly a burden. No, the hardest part was dealing with the Jensen, the commodity. The media ate everything he did up with a spoon, like he was the best dish of ice cream that they had ever tasted and wanted more.
And more. And more.
Every time Jensen so much as stepped outside the gates, he was immediately hounded by paparazzi who begged him to turn this way or that way or look over here when they weren't asking questions about everything from what colors he was planning on his Spring line to whether he was really dating so-and-so to what were his thoughts on the mid-term elections. Jensen always took the blinding flashes and screaming like a pro, waving like the Queen of England out the window of the limo or jokingly asking them if they were all out there to go for a run with him.
Jensen was almost a completely different person when cameras were around. Charming, polite, gracious. Well, as long as no one got too out of line with the photos or the questions. The stories about him punching out photographers and hurling plates of cheese at waiters had to come from somewhere.
5: So Much Depends on Reputation. Guard it with Your Life
Jared tried to fade into the background like the rest of the staff, but between his height and Jensen constantly snapping orders at him, it wasn't exactly feasible. He ended up in a lot of magazines as the somewhat blurry face behind Jensen. His favorite was the "Stars, They're Just Like Us!" article in Us Weekly, which featured Jared's foot in the corner of a photo of Jensen crouching down to pick out a pumpkin at the Farmer's Market for his nephew to carve for Halloween. Jensen had a studious expression on his face like picking just the right one was the most important thing in the world and Jared was wearing his favorite pair of pink Converse, which happened to match Jensen's shirt.
Chad pasted it up all over the office, circling Jared's foot in red ink with captions like, "Big Foot is Real!", "Ugly Shoes for Sale", and "Dick Not Proportionate." Despite Sandy tearing them down every morning, they always popped up again a few days later, until she finally gave up, the last one super-glued to the front of Jared's old desk.
14: Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy
Perhaps the most bizarre thing about Jensen, other than his dating habits, was the inordinate amount of time he spent with people he obviously hated. There was a lunch with Paris Hilton despite Jensen having bitched just the day before about how she was a complete airhead and that people should have to earn their fame, not just have rich fathers; a dinner with Michael Kors, whom Jensen called a middle-aged queen with no taste; Brunch with an ever rotating ensemble of top directors and their wives, the latter of which Jensen referred to as the Barbie Brigade. The list went on and on. Jared wasn't entirely sure that Jensen actually had any friends, just a parade of people he used and discarded like tissues.
That is, until Jared met Misha Collins.
2: Never Put Too Much Trust in Friends, Learn How to Use Enemies
Misha was the straight man's answer to Perez Hilton. He ran an ultra-bitchy blog where he posted obviously manipulated photos of celebrities and, bizarrely, recipes. The post with the most hits on the site was about Jensen and Jeffrey Dean's very public, very juicy divorce proceedings, which included testimony from several of their house staff alleging that Jensen was physically abusive. In addition to quotes from the closed-door divorce proceedings, there were several photos of Jeffrey Dean sporting a black eye and one with Jensen in a thong shoving his tongue down some rap star's throat.
Jared would've assumed that Misha would be the last person on earth Jensen would want to be friends with, but they had a longstanding golf date every month and constantly texted each other. When Jared finally worked up the nerve to ask about it, Jensen just raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow.
"Misha and I have an arrangement. I feed him gossip and he doesn't feed me to the sharks."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?" Jared asked.
Jensen smirked. "Something like that."
36: Disdain Things You Cannot Have; Ignoring Them Is the Best Revenge
Despite Jensen's dubious relationship with Misha Collins, he still showed up in the tabloids all the time. There were constant rumors about everything from who Jensen was dating to who he had rivalries with to whether he was really a human and not just a robot bent on destroying the earth; the last one was in The Enquirer, but that didn't stop Jared from debating it for a second.
Jensen seemed to find each one more amusing than the last until an interview with Jeffrey Dean popped up in GQ about the JRA clothing line Jensen supposedly designed for, although Jared still had no evidence to support that. Of course, they asked about his relationship with Jensen and Jeffrey Dean was quoted as saying:
"[laughs] Jensen and I are history. He does his thing and I do mine. I hardly ever see him. Truthfully, I don't want to see him."
The magazine got thrown across the room, nearly taking off one of the maid's heads. It was followed by a crystal vase, a painting of the Eiffel Tower, and a bowl of daises that had been sitting on the buffet. While Jared and some of the other staff stood there in shock, Jensen went on a rampage through the entire house, throwing seemingly random objects into the foyer.
"All of those things were Mr. Morgan's," someone whispered. "Or things Mr. Morgan gave to Jensen."
Jared whirled around, trying to figure out who said it, but everyone was staring blankly at him. "I thought Jensen was over his ex-husband?"
A couple of the older staff members snorted but Jared didn't have time to question them because a baby grand piano was currently heading straight for his head. Jared managed to dive into the library just in time. A few seconds later, Jensen calmly walked inside and handed Jared the day planner.
"Please cancel all appointments with Mr. Morgan for the duration."
"Sure," Jared said. "Of course."
Jensen nodded curtly and then disappeared into his home studio; a room Jared had never seen him set foot in before. But Jared didn't dare follow him. He just opened up the book and called Sandy.
13: When Asking for Help, Appeal to People's Self-Interest, Never to Their Mercy or Gratitude
The whole man-candy part of the deal didn't come up until Jared had been working for Jensen for almost six months. Jensen, wearing a tuxedo from his own line, perfectly tailored, of course, swept into the kitchen, where Jared was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"How can you eat that?" Jensen wrinkled his nose as Jared took a huge bite out of the sandwich. "Never mind. Butler is waiting upstairs for you to get you dressed."
"Dressed for what?" Jared mumbled through the peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth.
"The Cherry Ball, of course."
Jared swallowed hard. The Cherry Ball was only the most exclusive event of the season. On the surface, it was a charity event for HIV prevention, but in reality, it was the place to be seen as a gay man. Only the best, the brightest, the most beautiful were invited. Jared couldn't afford a ticket to it even if he fell into any of those categories.
"Really?" Jared asked
"Really." Jensen gave one of his very rare smiles. "Now go get dressed. Fashionably late is one thing, missing the opening number is another."
34: Be Royal in Your Fashion: Act Like a King to be Treated Like One
The Cherry Ball was always held at the Fine Arts Museum in the Great Hall. The balustrades were covered in red silk, cherry blossoms decorated every flat surface, and while the guests were dressed to the nines, the waiters all wore skimpy briefs in assorted shades of red. Pink champagne was the only drink available other than water and the color scheme even extended to the food.
Truthfully, the whole effect made Jared feel like he was swimming in a bowl of Pepto Bismal, but he couldn't deny how exciting it was to be surrounded by the elite of the city with none other than the cream of the crop, Jensen Ackles, on his arm. Everyone stared at them, most with open admiration, and the crowd parted for them like they were royalty.
Jensen was at his charming best, shaking hands and kissing cheeks, his laughter infectious. Even Jared almost fell for the act, even though he was the one feeding Jensen people's names, having memorized Jensen's black book long ago. People practically salivated over Jensen and he ate it up with style.
45: Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform Too Much at Once
Jared should have known that Jensen wasn't merely a guest at the ball, but also a performer. When the host for the evening announced his name, Jensen stepped onto the stage and gave a depreciative smile before launching into the hit single off his album, "One Condition." The song was supposedly about how if we all just did one nice thing, it would save the world or some other pay-it-forward bullshit.
Personally, Jared thought it was awful, over-synthesized dreck, but everyone else apparently loved it because they were either dancing or staring at Jensen with rapt attention, like he was preaching to them.
No accounting for good taste.
24: Play the Perfect Courtier
Jensen's taste wasn't much to write home about either. After his performance, he spent most of the evening hanging off the arm of a guy old enough to be his grandfather. Apparently the guy was an oil tycoon of some sort with more money than god and, knowing Jensen, a big dick and enough Viagra to put it to use.
Of course, Jared still had to stand there, just a few steps behind Jensen, in case he was needed. So he was forced to watch Jensen in seduction mode, all light touches and coy smiles for a man Jared wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Obviously Jensen had some major daddy issues.
"Oh, Lloyd," Jensen giggled when the old man pinched his ass. "You're so naughty."
Jared resisted the urge to throw up. This saccharine, giggling thing was not the Jensen that Jared knew at all. Jensen was at best a neurotic mess and at worst a raging bitch. He was not the darling, charming person everyone else seemed to see.
The strange thing was that Jared was beginning to like seeing the real Jensen, the Jensen no one else got. Why exactly did Jensen feel like he had to put up a front for the rest of the world anyway?
28: Enter Action with Boldness
A few hours into the party, Jensen disappeared. Jared assumed he left with Lloyd. The party was still going on and with no obligations for the first time in months, Jared let himself get lost in the pounding dance music. He flirted with one of the hot waiters, danced with a drag queen, and wound up with current It-boy, Matt Cohen, in the back room.
Matt was the type of guy that Jared usually went for; kind of rugged-looking and masculine but with a hint of vulnerability. He was an awesome kisser and didn't seem to care that they might get caught even though Matt wasn't out and considering his long string of action movies, being found sucking another dude's cock wasn't going to be the best thing for his career.
Jared let all concerns fall away when Matt sunk to his knees though. Not like he was the guy's boyfriend or anything. And Matt was way better at sucking cock than pretending to shoot a gun, anyway.
12: Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm Your Victim
Jared came home on an endorphin high, suit jacket lost somewhere along the way as well as his tie. The house was quiet, the only light coming from the kitchen. Whistling slightly, Jared headed that way, hoping that Maria, the night chef, was maybe baking some of her famous chocolate chip cookies for her grandchildren, considering that Jensen ran screaming at the mere thought of carbs.
Instead, he found Jensen sitting on a barstool at the island in his pajamas, his chin propped up in his hand while he stared forlornly at a stack of papers; they appeared to be a legal document of some sort. Jensen didn't seem to have noticed him, so Jared hovered in the doorway and watched as Jensen flipped the page, his eyes going wide before he made a defeated sound. A couple more pages and he pushed the document away, burying his head in his hands.
Jensen had never looked so vulnerable, so young. Just as Jared was about to turn away to give Jensen some privacy, the other man looked up.
"What?" Jensen rasped.
"Umm, I was just…" Jared pointed over his shoulder, back toward the staircase.
"I think you should take a vacation. I have a summer home on Martha's Vineyard if you'd like to use it."
Jared blinked at the non-sequitur. "That's very generous of you, but-"
"Please be ready to leave by noon tomorrow. Driver will take you to the airport; you can take my private jet. Anything you like."
Jared wasn't an idiot; he could tell Jensen was pushing him away for some reason. He bet it had something to do with whatever was in those legal documents, but it's not as though Jensen was going to confide in Jared. After all, to Jensen, Jared was just another employee, a nameless, faceless entity that made his life easier and nothing more.
So Jared just nodded in agreement and then left.
42: Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep Will Scatter
As it turned out, Jared wasn't the only one Jensen dismissed for the week. Driver was headed back home to Kansas and the pilot and flight attendant on the jet were headed to New York after dropping Jared off on Martha's Vineyard. All of them commented on how strange it was for Jensen to send them all away.
"The man can't even make toast," Chef had commented that morning. "How he plans to survive on his own, I have no idea."
Jared didn't have any idea either, but he wasn't about to argue against an all-expenses-paid vacation.
20: Do Not Commit to Anyone
The house on Martha's Vineyard came with one staff member, a college student who acted as the caretaker for the 349 odd days that Jensen didn't spend there. His name was Brock Kelly and he had a remarkable resemblance to Jensen.
"Like, I'm his cousin three times removed or something," Brock confided when Jared asked how he had ended up with this job.
Before this, Jared had never heard Jensen mention family at all. Jared didn't think Jensen had any family. Like he was dropped on this earth as the prettiest man alive instead of being born like a normal human being; from what Jared had seen, it wasn't all that improbable.
"So, where are Jensen's parents?" Jared tried to casually ask one morning at breakfast.
"Dead. Car accident when he was a kid. An aunt ended up taking him in but he skipped out when he was sixteen. Two months later, he shows up to one of the family reunions on the arm of some guy and demanded his trust fund from his grandfather. Jensen wasn't supposed to get it until he turned twenty-one or got married. Let me tell you, they weren't expecting a marriage to a dude."
"Jeffrey Dean?"
Brock shook his head. "Nah, that's his third husband? Fourth? Something like that."
Jared nearly spit out the juice he had been drinking. "Fourth?"
"Yeah. I thought everyone knew that. People magazine called him the Elizabeth Taylor of gay men." Brock raised an eyebrow. "You are gay, right?"
39: Stir Up Waters to Catch Fish
Of course it wasn't all that hard to find all the old articles. Perez Hilton actually had an entire section dedicated to Jensen called "Lifestyles of the Rich and Useless," featuring several unflattering photos that Jared was pretty sure were photo-shopped.
Husband number one was some guy named Christian Kane, apparently not famous and also very short. Their marriage lasted a whole of six months, when Jensen filed for an annulment. Husband number two was one of the heirs to the Johnson & Johnson fortune. That one lasted about a year before Jensen was apparently caught cheating with one of the other models on a photo shoot for Calvin Klein, Wentworth Miller, who also happened to be husband number three. Not surprisingly, that marriage didn't last long either. Jensen ran off to Italy with a Count of some sort, but skipped the marriage part of the equation. Instead he ditched that guy for Lloyd, the oil baron from the Cherry Ball, and that marriage managed to last three years before Jensen met Jeffrey Dean.
Even Perez Hilton admitted that it was almost like a fairy-tale. Jeffrey Dean had been in the middle of buying Jensen's then-fledgling clothing line while Jensen and Lloyd were in the middle of a surprisingly amicable divorce considering the amount of money and property involved. There was a whole courting period once the divorce was finalized where Jensen and Jeffrey Dean were photographed at romantic restaurants, charity events, and everywhere in-between. Supposedly, Jeffrey Dean proposed on the viewing platform of the Eiffel Tower. There was a wedding that cost more than a million dollars, a honeymoon that crossed four continents, a fifty-million-dollar house purchased in both their names, and heavy talk about adopting children.
A year later, they were filling for divorced.
47: Do Not Go Past the Mark You Aimed for; in Victory, Learn When to Stop
Not surprisingly, the divorce was a drawn out, bitter affair that involved an army of lawyers. There had been no pre-nuptial agreement and on top of that, Jeffrey Dean owned most of Jensen's commercial ventures including the JRA clothing line, an independent record label, and a gallery. Jeffrey Dean's lawyers had argued that since the company Morgan Industries technically held the rights to those entities, they should remain the property of Jeffrey Dean. Jensen's lawyers argued that Jensen owned the copyright to his likeness and all original materials.
Surprisingly, the proceedings were still going on, and at this point, had lasted longer than the marriage itself.
Jared realized that those legal papers Jensen was so upset about must have been about the divorce. Maybe it was all finally resolved. Or maybe Jensen had just given up.
18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself. Isolation is Dangerous
When Jared returned from his vacation, he entered the house to find Jensen sprawled out on a couch in the library. He looked and smelled like he hadn't showered the entire time the staff was gone. The coffee table was littered with empty bottles of bourbon and used tissues. Jensen's eyes were red-rimmed and he was pale and sickly looking.
Jensen looked up when Jared stepped closer, his eyes wide. "Please, I don't want anyone to see me like this."
Jared held out his hand. "C'mon, the rest of the staff won't be back until tomorrow. Let's get you cleaned up."
Amazingly, Jensen didn't protest when Jared led him to the master bathroom and started taking off his clothes. Jared tried not to touch too much skin or even look at Jensen despite the fact that he had seen the other man naked dozens of times. Somehow, this seemed more intense with Jensen so vulnerable looking.
Before he got into the shower, Jensen paused and looked at Jared through his lashes, his voice soft. "Thanks, Jared."
22: Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power
Within a matter of hours, Jensen was back to his diva-self, the hot water in the shower apparently wiping away all traces of humility along with the grime. He screamed at one of the maids for not dusting the foyer to his specifications, berated all three chefs for even daring to bring carbs into his house, and made the mailman burst into tears. Jared ran around after Jensen, consoling and apologizing, wondering if that hint of vulnerability was even genuine or if it was just another of Jensen's many tricks to get what he wanted.
Except, what did he want? What did crying in front of Jared get him other than embarrassment? Sympathy? Empathy? No, Jared wasn't feeling much of either at the moment. Really, he felt like having a good stiff drink and maybe slapping Jensen into next week.
25: Re-Create Yourself
"Jared? Jared? Jared!" Jensen screamed from the walk-in closet.
Jared weaved through the endless racks of clothing and towers of shoeboxes to find Jensen at the very back of the closet, hands on his hips. Jensen gestured expansively at the closet, which was roughly the size of the average family's home.
"I have nothing to wear. Nothing. Get the keys to the town car, you're taking me shopping."
"Umm, you have acres of clothing," Jared dared to say.
Jensen raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "Are you seriously kidding me? All of this is last season. Just… just get rid of it. All of it."
With that, Jensen stormed away. Jared glanced around the closet with a sigh and then called the Butler to take care of it.
27: Play on People's Need to Believe to Create a Cult-Like Following
Shopping with Jensen was like trying to tame a fairy on acid. He jumped from rack to rack, store to store, throwing things into Jared's arms, barking orders at the staff, all while flashing his Centurion AmEx. Jensen seemed to be in his element, a genuine smile on his face.
Of course the staff at every shop adored him, fawned over him, and catered to his every desire. People practically tripped over themselves to do whatever Jensen wanted, no matter how ridiculous the request, and hung on his every word like it was gospel. Jensen said that purple was so last season when they were in Zegna and an entire rack of ties got thrown in the garbage. He casually mentioned at Hugo Boss that he wished their tropical wool suit came in a lighter color and they were on the phone to the design house in Germany within seconds.
Someone even sprinted ten blocks to the nearest Jamba Juice to get Jensen a smoothie, which Jensen took one sip of and then tossed the cup in the guy's face. The guy actually looked crestfallen at the rejection, which made Jared roll his eyes so hard it almost hurt.
32: Play to People's Fantasies
At the end of the day, Jared found himself sitting on a plush couch in the dressing room of Armani, surrounded by shopping bags, with an indulgent smile on his face as Jensen twirled in front of the mirror, admiring himself from every angle in a sinfully tight pair of grey wool pants. Jensen seemed almost child-like in his excitement, his body relaxed, and his eyes sparkling with pure joy.
Ten seconds later, Jared had to revise that whole assessment when Jensen sauntered over and straddled Jared's lap. Jared's hands hovered over Jensen's hips, not sure what to do. Jensen leaned in and ghosted his lips up Jared's neck before gently nipping his ear.
"Shopping makes me so horny."
Okay, so maybe not so child-like. Jared cleared his throat and willed himself to not react to the hottest man on the planet writhing in his lap. Even if he had fantasized about it, having sex with his boss was definitely not on the menu.
"Umm, maybe we should get going. Don't you have an appointment with Pablo?" Jared said as he gently pushed Jensen off his lap.
Jensen pouted. "Don't you want me?"
Jared couldn't resist flitting his eyes down Jensen's body, lingering on the prominent bulge in his pants. "That's not the point."
"Whatever." Jensen stripped off the pants in one, fluid motion and tossed them in Jared's face. "I don't want those anyway."
44: Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect
When Pablo came out of Jensen's room later that day with swollen lips and hickeys decorating his neck, looking sheepish, Jared tried really hard to not feel jealous. Instead, he took Jensen's seaweed protein shake from Chef and brought it into Jensen himself. Jensen was lounging on the bed wearing nothing but a sated smile, red handprints on his hips, and a sheen of sweat. He glanced up when Jared entered the room and then sighed.
"Oh, it's you." Jensen waved at Jared dismissively once he had set the shake down on the nightstand. "I don't need you. Go find something else to do."
Jared gritted his teeth at Jensen's bored tone and forced himself to smile politely. "Of course, Mr. Ackles."
If he slammed the door a bit too hard on his way out, it wasn't out of anger or jealousy.
9: Win Through Your Actions, Never Through Argument
The next day, Jensen acted like absolutely nothing had happened while at the same time, being even more of a bitch than normal, which just pissed off Jared even more. Jared was just trying to be a professional. What was so wrong with that?
"Where are my Zanella pants? The ones with the beige wool?" Jensen asked as he marched through the closet. "And my green shirt from Joseph Abboud?"
"You had me get rid of all of your old clothes, remember?" Jared called from his seat on a divan at the back of the room.
He was trying to organize Jensen's calendar like he was actually paid to do, but never had time for because Jensen was insane. There was a conflict between a photo shoot for Calvin Klein and an appearance on some Italian TV show to promote his new album, and then his agent wanted him to read some scripts. Meanwhile, Jensen was only interested in one of a thousand outfits he owned.
"And you actually listened to me?" Jensen shouted from somewhere off to Jared's right. "What am I going to wear?"
Jared rolled his eyes. Seriously? He grabbed the nearest pair of pants and shirt, tossing them in Jensen's direction. Jensen made a huffy sound from back there.
The next thing Jared knew, a Prada shoe -- thrown with the deadly accuracy only someone prone to temper-tantrums could manage -- was smacking him in face.
11: Learn to Keep People Dependent on You
The shoe had given Jared a black eye. His doctor said he was lucky something hadn't been permanently damaged. Jared resisted the urge to tell him that something was going to be permanently damaged, all right, and it was going to be Jensen Ackles' balls. Or maybe his pretty face.
Of course, Chad found he whole story to be absolutely hilarious. "A shoe!" He kept repeating between bouts of laughter. "In your face!"
Jared pouted into his rum and coke. "It's not that funny. He has a good arm. I think he used to play baseball."
"Yeah, I bet he was a catcher!" Chad crowed, laughing so hard at his own joke that he started coughing.
"Sympathy, man, sympathy. Is that too much to ask for?" Jared muttered as he pounded his fist on Chad's back.
Chad looked up at Jared, suddenly serious. "Why don't you just quit?"
It was a good question, but Jared didn't have an answer.
40: Despise the Free Lunch
As it turned out, all of Jared's careful negotiations to fix Jensen's schedule were for naught, because a date had finally been set for the divorce proceedings, which, of course, conflicted with everything. Jared was up half the night across multiple time zones, playing phone tag and apologizing. By the time his alarm went off, Jared had just gone to bed and wasn't in the mood to deal with anything other than a cup of coffee.
But, as usual, Jensen had other ideas.
He burst into Jared's room, not even bothering to knock, holding up two different suits, and looking like he hadn't slept much either. One suit and then the other was shoved in Jared's face, both looking like blurry, black blobs between the lack of sleep and his black eye.
"Which one? I think the navy blue says reliable, stable, safe. But the grey says confident, young, hot. If you were a judge, which would you go for?"
Jared swiped a hand across his face and attempted to wet his dry mouth, but before he could say anything, Jensen was talking again.
"I think the judge is a woman though. So does that even matter? My ass looks better in the grey one though. Jeffrey Dean might be distracted enough by that."
"Distracted?" Jared managed to get his brain on-line enough to question what the hell Jensen was going on about. "Why would you want him distracted?"
Jared swore Jensen said something like, "So he doesn't pity me," but he was gone again before Jared could really make sense of it.
26: Keep Your Hands Clean
Luckily, Jared wasn't forced to attend the divorce proceedings. Instead, he got updates from Maria ,whose cousin's wife's aunt was the court reporter. Apparently most of the first day was spent going over reams upon reams of paperwork, which explained in excruciating detail who owned what and who bought what from whom and why this or that asset was not divisible. The lawyers did all the talking with occasional interjections from an accountant of some sort.
It was all so incredibly boring that even Perez Hilton didn't have anything to say about it.
33: Discover Each Man's Thumbscrew
The second day was when it got really exciting. Jeffrey Dean accused Jensen of cheating. Jensen accused Jeffrey Dean of luring into the marriage under false pretenses. Jensen's entire love life going back to high school was dragged out. Jeffrey Dean was faced with a forensic accountant who had evidence that money had been siphoned off somewhere and was unaccounted for in the list of assets.
Maria swore that the judge had to bang his gavel to call the court to order at least fifteen times.
All in all, Jared thought it went better than he expected.
4: Always Say Less Than Necessary
In the end, Jensen wound up with the rights to his "artistic endeavors" and not much else. Jeffrey Dean got to keep Morgan Industries, the mansion, and most of the money, excluding royalties owed to Jensen. Surprisingly, Jensen didn't fight the ruling, didn't even say a word. He just shook everyone's hands and walked out without a backward glance.
He wouldn't even say "no comment" to the reporters gathered outside; he just smiled and waved and got into the town car.
3: Conceal Your Intentions
Jensen came into the house and practically threw himself down on a kitchen stool. Jared turned from where he was watching coverage of the divorce on E! and tried to look guilty.
"Oh, don't even bother. We all knew this was coming," Jensen said dismissively.
"We did?" Jared asked before he could stop himself.
"Well, it's not like I wanted any of that stuff."
Jared laughed. "What? Seriously? You?"
Jensen waved his hand. "Oh, don't act so surprised. You do know I'm worth five times more than Jeffrey Dean, right? I'm the heir to the Ackles Oil fortune and my trust was the one thing I kept his name off of, the one thing I've kept every husband's name off."
"Then why did you go through with all the arguing and the lawyers?" Jared frowned.
"The publicity." Jensen paused. "Oh, and to bankrupt Jeffrey Dean. What he's going to owe those lawyers of his…"
While Jared stood there gaping like an idiot, Jensen winked. The neurotic bastard had played them all.
48: Assume Formlessness
The mansion was packed up in a matter of days, items shipped off to Jensen's summer home or to auction. All of the household staff were staying on, at least temporarily, while Jeffrey Dean decided what to do with the house. Jared figured he would put it on the market as soon as possible to pay off some of his debt.
Obviously, Jeffrey Dean wasn't going to keep Jared on, but Jared wasn't sure that Jensen wasn't going to take him with to the summer house either. Jared half-heartedly considered moving back into his own apartment with Chad, who had been sub-letting it. Just like Jared half-heartedly looked for a new job and half-heartedly did his current job.
Jensen gave no indication that he was even considering Jared's future, and Jared hated being in limbo. But he felt some bizarre loyalty to Jensen and wouldn't leave on his own, so he stuck around, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
38: Think As You Like but Behave Like Others
Jared figured he had his answer when he woke up to find a letter propped up on his nightstand a few days later. The note inside was a standard form letter, which went on about his dismissal and his rights to unemployment benefits, and attached to it was a check, which Jared assumed was his severance. He sat there flipping through the documents in his hands, looking for some kind of note from Jensen, some personal acknowledgment of any kind, but there was nothing, not even his signature at the bottom of the letter.
He wasn't going to admit it, but being treated like any other employee hurt. But that's what Jared supposed he was to Jensen, just another in a line of nameless, faceless people there to serve him.
10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky
By the end of the day, Jared had packed up all of his belongings and, with the help of Chad's truck, had moved everything back into his old apartment. While his apartment had never felt huge, it had been comfortable while he had been living in it. After having lived in the mansion, it felt like a shoebox now. Especially since Chad was still living there too.
Jared could admit that he spent the next week moping around. He didn't bother to look for jobs or help Chad apartment hunt or even to do much beyond leaving the couch. It wasn't like he was really depressed, but working for Jensen had been a big, exciting thing. Every day was different, with a new set of craziness, and now everything was just so ordinary. And Jensen was fun to be around when he wasn't being a complete bitch. Jared could even admit to his own shallow nature and say it hadn't been hard to spent the day looking at that, either.
Boring, plain, simple; something Jared had never minded before, but suddenly they seemed like the worst thing that could've happened to him.
35: Master the Art of Timing
Jared's new job fell in his lap, literally. He had finally forced himself off the couch, into the shower, and out the door to the coffee shop down the street. The plan was to use their wi-fi to search for jobs or at least to get some fresh air. But before he could even get the browser open on his computer, a girl tripped and fell across his lap. By instinct, Jared steadied her, but the girl didn't make any move to get up.
"You're Jared Padalecki, yes?"
The girl had a British accent and a charming smile. She also looked vaguely familiar, but Jared couldn't quite place her. Then again, his brain was a bit foggy what with spending most of his day staring into nothingness trying to tell himself that he did not care about Jensen Ackles, not one bit.
"Yes, and you are?"
"Lauren Cohan." She stuck out her hand for Jared to shake, which he did. "Your new boss." She hopped off his lap at that point, sliding into the seat across from him. "I run a PR firm and your experience with a certain diva? Invaluable. So, what do you say?"
Jared laughed in disbelief. "Are you serious? You're offering me a job just like that? No interview? Nothing?"
"Nope." She grabbed a napkin and scrawled something on it before pushing it across the table. "Address of my firm, phone number, salary. See you tomorrow?"
Before Jared could answer, she was gone.
43: Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others
Of course he showed up to the address because it's not like he had anything better to do other than pretend he wasn't moping after Jensen, and luckily it was an actual opportunity. Cohen-Cassidy was a fledgling company run by Lauren and her partner in all things, Katie. Their clients were mainly B-list actors and independent music artists so obscure that they weren't even on Facebook. But the girls had ambition and that's where Jared came in.
He had Jensen's entire black book memorized, and so his job was mainly to call these people up and try to get them to switch firms. It was almost like the telemarketing job he held for all of five months back in college, except that most of the people he talked to were genuinely interested to hear from him.
A lot of them didn't switch, but offered names of friends who were looking; Jared slowly but surely built the client list like that. He was still good at remembering details about people, still good about being diplomatic, and it felt good to have that skill be recognized and valued by someone instead of being dismissed.
The day Lauren and Katie decided they had too much work to handle it on their own and hired additional staff was one of the proudest days of Jared's life. He had been a part of making that happen.
15: Crush Your Enemy Totally
It's not like Jared deliberately kept up with Jensen's life, but he couldn't help it when the other man was on the cover of every magazine, a guest on every talk show, and still plastered across billboards everywhere in just his underwear.
All anyone could talk about was the divorce and how Jeffrey Dean had fled to some non-extradition country after that forensic accountant had uncovered more inconsistencies in Morgan Industries' books. There was a warrant out for his arrest. Apparently all those conference calls Jared wasn't supposed to interrupt? All had to do with some highly illegal side-business.
Jensen looked positively distraught in every interview, if you ignored the evil gleam in his eye when the camera hit him at just the right angle.
41: Avoid Stepping Into a Great Man's Shoes
After several months, Lauren and Katie offered Jared partnership in their firm, but he declined. It was their baby and he didn't want to get entangled in that side of things. He told them that he'd had enough babysitting when he worked for Jensen; he couldn't imagine doing it for dozens of clients all with their own needs and quirks.
They were okay with that, but insisted on giving him something in return for the boost his contacts had given the firm. He expected a salary increase or a bonus, but they went one extra step and provided him with an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris. Jared found it to be a bit bizarre that it was all for one person, but he went along with it, as it seemed rude to turn it down.
29: Plan All the Way to the End
Paris was absolutely beautiful. Jared spent most of his days strolling along the Seine, visiting museums, and dining in little cafes with the locals. His high school French was rusty, but he got by on "Parlez-vous anglais?" and hand gestures.
Halfway through his vacation, he took a trip to Versailles, where he visited the palace. He was touring the grounds when someone knocked into him, shoving him into the bushes. When Jared parted the branches to see who the culprit was, he was faced with the last person he ever expected.
"Jensen?"
Jensen broke into a wide smile and held his hand out to Jared to pull him up. "Jared, fancy meeting you here."
Jared accepted the hand up, but his mind was reeling. Suddenly the ticket for one made sense; Katie and Lauren had to be in on this. No way was this all a coincidence.
21: Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker: Play Dumber Than Your Mark
"You planned this, didn't you?" Jared accused Jensen once he'd dusted himself off and they settled on one of the benches lining the path.
"Of course not," Jensen huffed as if the entire idea was completely ridiculous. "I'm here for a photo shoot."
Jared turned his body so he was fully facing Jensen and leaned in closer. "No, you did. You had to have. There is no way this a coincidence. No way."
Jensen gave Jared one of his infamous pouts, but Jared just crossed his arms over his chest and glared. Finally, Jensen sighed and then held up his hands.
"Okay, maybe. Maybe I gave Katie and Lauren the vacation package and suggested they give it to you, but that was all."
"Uh-huh," Jared said doubtfully.
"Alright, so I gave it to them and told them to give it to you," Jensen admitted.
"And?" Jared prompted.
"And what?" Jensen blinked innocently.
"You got me the job, too, didn't you?"
"I might have had a hand in that." Jensen bit his lip. "But I felt really guilty firing you like I did."
"Because?" Jared prompted when Jensen didn't seem to be moving forward with any kind of explanation.
Jensen sighed and then grabbed Jared by the back of his neck, pulling him in so they were nose-to-nose.
"Because I've had a crush on you since the day we met. Because you're a good guy and I don't deserve you," Jensen whispered, brushing his lips against Jared's. He got to his feet before Jared could even think about kissing him back and held out his hand. "Why don't we walk a bit? I think I have some explaining to do."
1: Never Outshine the Master
Over the course of the ride back to Paris and the walk up to Montmartre, where Jensen insisted they would find the best crepes Jared would ever eat, Jared got the entire saga of Jensen's life from his crazy teenage years and first marriage to what he'd been doing since his last divorce-supposedly plotting ways to steal Jared's heart. Most of it Jared already knew, but he let Jensen tell it anyway. Jensen seemed to be well aware of how ridiculous the entire story sounded, how the revenge he took on Jeffrey Dean was kind of evil, and that he wasn't easy to deal with, at all.
"But my pretty face and hot body makes it all worth it, right?" Jensen asked with a teasing smile as they stood on the steps of the Sacré-Coeur Basilica and took in the stunning view of the city shinning below them.
Jared smiled back despite himself and took Jensen's hand in his. "We'll see."
Sequel: Come and Trim My Christmas Tree
Rating: R
Summary: Part of the 48 Rules Verse
16: Use Absence to Increase Respect and Honor
On his very first day, Sandy, Mr. Morgan's first assistant, said to Jared, "This is a very simple job. There are only two rules. One: never, ever interrupt Mr. Morgan when he's in a meeting. Two: never, ever allow The Ex to get near Mr. Morgan."
The first rule was the only applicable one for Jared's first six months on the job. Most of the other employees knew that if Jared or Sandy said "he's in a meeting" to just turn around and go back the way they came. Clients were a bit trickier on that front, but Jared was good at small talk and he remembered things like the names of people's cats and grandsons and their favorite baseball teams so he could usually distract them long enough. When he wasn't being a glorified guard dog, Jared answered the phone and typed up memos filled with corporate jargon and ran across the street to Starbucks for venti americanos with espresso shots.
Most days, Jared chatted on IM with Chad in accounting, who was a total douche, but had lots of hilarious stories about Mike in R&D and his epic crush on Tom, the beefy receptionist down in the lobby. Chad was a natural gossip at heart and he also had been working at the company when The Ex was still the Mrs. so Jared couldn't help but ask what was up with all of that one day over lunch.
"I cannot believe you don't know about this," Chad said through a mouthful of egg salad. "It was in People magazine."
"Dude." Jared wrinkled his nose. "Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I read that shit."
"Whatever." Chad rolled his eyes. "You'll hear The Ex coming from a mile away so don't worry about fucking that up."
19: Know Who You're Dealing With, Do Not Offend the Wrong Person
Two days after his six-month anniversary, Jared heard a scuffle in the hallway and was about to get up and investigate when the doors to Mr. Morgan's outer office were thrown open, revealing a tall guy wearing skin-tight clothes and sunglasses, all designer labels, and sporting a scowl which really didn't do much to mar his pretty face.
"Jeffrey Dean!" the guy screamed. "C'mon out here, you lying son of a whore."
It was then that Jared realized The Ex was not a woman but, in fact, a man. More specifically, Jensen Ackles, the model/actor/singer/clothing designer/artist/whatever else. Now everything Chad mentioned made a hell of a lot more sense. Jensen was known for being a diva and wasn't above resorting to temper-tantrums and violence to get his way.
Jared reluctantly stood and blocked the door. "I'm sorry, sir, but you can't go in there."
"The hell I can't," Jensen snarled. "This company is half mine and don't you forget it, Jeffrey Dean. I want my fucking quarterly payment."
The last half was obviously directed at the door. Jared sighed and pressed his palm against Jensen's chest when he tried to step toward the door again.
"Get your fucking hands off of me," Jensen snapped before shoving Jared away with surprising force.
By the time Jared recovered, Jensen had not only gotten through the door, but had slammed it shut behind him, thus interrupting Mr. Morgan on a conference call. In the space of two minutes, Jared had fucked up the only two rules of his job and was pretty sure Sandy was going to kill him when she got back from lunch. If Jared wasn't already kicked out of the building on his ass by then.
37: Create Compelling Spectacles
While he was standing there flailing, the phone started to ring and Jared answered it automatically.
"Mr. Morgan's office."
"Jared! The bitch got through the lobby! I'm sorry, man, lock the doors. Batten down the hatches. Girder your loins!"
Jared sighed heavily at Tom's theatrics. "Yeah, too late for that."
He hung up and went back behind his desk where he tried very hard not to overhear snippets of the conversation behind the glass doors. By conversation, Jared really meant screaming match so it was hard to not hear it all, really.
"Where's my fucking money?"
"The board is no longer interested in financing your line. You spend more on promotion and materials than the damn thing has ever made. They've reduced your salary to make up for the loss. Got a problem with that; go talk to accounting."
"More like you kissed ass until the board did what you wanted."
"Or maybe because I actually work at this company instead of wandering in every three months for money!"
"I thought my job was to shut up and suck your cock like a good little bitch."
That was said with a seductive purr and then there's silence for awhile. Jared figured the live-action version of the sentence was going on and got back to filing memos.
Twenty minutes later, Jensen walked out, Mr. Morgan trailing behind him. Jensen's eyes landed on Jared and Mr. Morgan sighed.
"Jared? You're being reassigned to Mr. Ackles."
With that, Mr. Morgan turned and went back into his office, slamming the door behind him. Jared stood there, frozen in disbelief, until Jensen snapped his fingers at him.
"I don't have all day," Jensen huffed before storming off down the hallway.
31: Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards You Deal
It turned out that the room everyone used for impromptu meetings was actually Jensen's office. There was an empty cube just outside of it, same as for Mr. Morgan, but Jensen insisted that Jared take the desk in the office as he preferred the couch. Jared was beginning to suspect that he was either going to be stuck doing all the work while Jensen admired his nails or his job was going to get very boring watching Jensen admire his nails because there was nothing else to do.
But at least he still had a job.
7: Get Others to Do the Work for You, but Always Take the Credit
"So," Jensen sighed after a week of Jared spending every day surfing the web for eight hours while Jensen took naps or sketched stuff or texted people. "What exactly did you do for Jeffrey, anyway?"
"Uh." Jared was startled by the question and almost knocked over a cup filled with pens. "Typed memos, answered the phone, and kept his schedule. Typical assistant stuff."
He left out the two major rules as he figured Jensen would throw some kind of fit over the second one. Or laugh at him for failing to do his job correctly.
"Well." Jensen pulled a large binder out of his Burberry satchel. "I don't have any need for any of that."
Jared's heart started pounding; he was going to be out of a job. With the way the economy was, he wouldn't find another one and would lose his apartment and wind up sleeping on the streets, forced to do unsavory things for food.
"But." Jensen tossed the binder on the desk. "I do need someone to take care of that."
"What is it?" Jared asked, relief tingeing his voice.
"That is only the most important document you'll ever read in your life," Jensen answered as he stretched out on the couch. "My social calendar."
It was only the tantalizing view of Jensen's stomach that prevented Jared from laughing. "Right."
"So your job is to keep track of all of that. Make sure I make it to the right places at the right time in just the right outfit with just the right man on my arm." Jensen rolled over and pointed a finger at Jared. "In fact, you should move in with me to make this easier."
"What?"
"Yes." Jensen snapped his fingers. "And you can be my back-up man candy."
"M-man candy?"
"Well, you are gay, aren't you?" Jensen raised an eyebrow. "A thousand boys would kill to be in your position."
Jared was pretty sure he didn't sign up for the gay version of The Devil Wears Prada. "Yes, but I can't just move in with you. I have an apartment and… and a life outside of work!"
Jensen waved his hand dismissively. "Whatever. Sub-let. Besides, your life couldn’t possibly be as interesting or as important as mine."
It's the ego that ate Manhattan, Jared thought as he stared wide-eyed at his boss. No amount of money was worth dealing with The Ex twenty-four-seven.
"I'll triple your salary and pay your living expenses," Jensen said when Jared didn't answer right away.
"Deal," Jared answered despite himself.
23: Concentrate Your Forces
One week later, Jared found himself moving into a mansion roughly the size of a small city, complete with an army of caretakers. There were three people alone who seemed to do nothing but take care of the twenty-odd cars that Jensen never drove, not to mention a maid and butler on each of the three floors despite the fact that only two bedrooms in the entire place seemed to ever be occupied, upwards of a dozen people tending to the gardens and pool and not one, but three chefs. Jensen seemed to have a thing about threes that extended even to his choices in décor that Jared didn't dare question.
All of it was bizarre and highly unnecessary, in Jared's opinion, but he got the feeling that Jensen didn't do well on his own.
17: Keep Others in Suspended Terror: Cultivate an Air of Unpredictability
"What is this? What the hell is this? Are you trying to poison me? Clog my pores? Make me fat?"
Jared winced as Jensen's voice rose in volume and pitch. The man was obsessive about what he ate to the point that Jared wondered why the staff bothered serving anything other than baby greens and water. Even the slightest hint of calories sent Jensen into a panicked, hysterical rage about becoming old and fat and ugly. As if being a 25-year-old with a 30-inch waist and a face that would make Michelangelo's David weep in shame fit anyone's definition of any of those things.
"It's just an avocado, from the garden, Mr. Jensen," Miguel, the morning chef, tried to explain.
"You know what avocado means in Spanish?" Jensen picked up the small slice of avocado and flung it at the chef's face. "Oily, fat, fired chef!"
"Mr. Jensen, please-"
With a slight shake of his head, Jared stopped Miguel's apology in its tracks. Miguel slunk off to the kitchen, no doubt thinking he was fired, when in reality Jensen would have forgotten about it by the afternoon. Jensen didn't even know most of the staff's names, Jared quickly found out. He routinely called them by their station: Chef, Driver, Maid, and Gardner. Considering how often the staff quit, even Jared could see that it was pointless to bother to keep up.
"Avocado is good for your skin," Jared dared to suggest while he watched Jensen scrub his fingers clean with a white, linen napkin that no doubt cost more than Jared made in a week.
"Like you know anything," Jensen huffed and pointed at Jared's plate of scrambled eggs and sausage. "Cholesterol, fat, grease, animal by-products."
Jared shoved a forkful into his mouth and tipped his head at Jensen's plate. "Better than the weeds they pulled out of the east garden."
Jensen pushed himself away from the table and stalked out of the room, his shoes clacking against the marble floors as he shouted for the driver. Jared knew he would pay for that later, but for that moment, he smirked in glee before taking a moment to savor his breakfast in peace.
"Jared!"
Of course, that didn't last long.
30: Make Your Accomplishments Seem Effortless
Even though Jensen was known for being something; he often appeared to be doing absolutely nothing. His men's clothing line appeared in multiple stores, posing as everything from couture to discount mass merchandise, but Jared had yet to see Jensen do anything related to creating clothes unless wearing them once before discarding them counted. There was an exhibit at the local art museum of Jensen's pop-art paintings, but Jared had yet to see Jensen pick up a paint brush. A billboard of Jensen in a pair of Calvin Klein boxers graced every other bus, yet Jensen had yet to go to a photo shoot of any kind.
Instead Jensen seemed to spend most of his time attending parties, planning parties, or obsessing over nearly invisible flaws on everything from his own body to the way the garden staff mowed the lawn that morning.
This left Jared mostly bored out of his mind.
8: Make Other People Come to You, Use Bait if Necessary
"Do you see this?" Jensen demanded.
Jared glanced up from the latest issue of People, which featured an article on some charity foundation Jensen created that Jared had yet to see him actually do anything for, to find Jensen's ass in his face. He flailed in surprise, sending the chair tipping backwards.
"That's cellulite, isn't it? I knew that Chef was poisoning me," Jensen continued without even glancing back to see if Jared was okay.
"I highly doubt it's cellulite," Jared muttered as he stood up, brushing off his jeans.
"Are you kidding me?" Jensen pointed at his ass again. "That looks like cottage cheese."
Jared squinted at the flawless canvas of skin before him. "I'm pretty sure that's just a dimple."
"Whatever." Jensen shimmed into a pair of jeans so tight that they had to be illegal in several states. "Call Pablo and tell him I need another hour of Pilates on Thursdays."
While Jensen slipped on a similarly illegal shirt, Jared picked up Jensen's massive day-planner and jotted down a reminder to call Pablo later that day. Pablo was Jensen's personal trainer and one of the few people Jensen bothered to remember by name. Jared got the feeling that Pablo wished Jensen would lose his number judging by the heavy sigh Jared got every time he had to call the man.
He didn't blame Pablo; Jared spent a lot of time resisting the urge to do the same.
46: Never Appear Perfect
Jensen's quest for physical perfection was a bizarre counterpoint to the men he dated. Every single one of them was somewhere between a four and a seven to Jensen's near perfect nine-- Jared deducted one point for personality. Jeffrey Dean, the one and only ex-husband, was maybe an eight, even if he was much older than Jensen. The short wrestler Jensen was currently salivating over was maybe a six on a good day and the balding stockbroker prior to him, barely passable as a four.
One thing they all had in common? Big dicks.
Jared knew this because Jensen kept track of all his dates, one night stands, hook-ups, and other sexual encounters in the giant day-planner under the not-so-cleverly labeled tab 'MILF'. Each paramour's name was followed by a list of attributes that Jensen apparently deemed important: top or bottom or switch, cock size, stamina in bed, shoe size, annual income, net worth, and phone number. All of this was followed by cryptic notes like, sunny, opera, pulls out and Chicago, CD collection, handcuffs.
So far, Jared had not gleaned any important insights from this other than the shoe size indicates cock size myth was about seventy-five percent accurate and that Jensen had fucked a lot of men.
6: Court Attention at All Cost
Surprisingly, the hardest part of Jared's job was not dealing with Jensen. After only a few weeks in the mansion, Jared had mostly learned to tune out the temper tantrums and strange demands, and it's not like getting paid to live in the lap of luxury was exactly a burden. No, the hardest part was dealing with the Jensen, the commodity. The media ate everything he did up with a spoon, like he was the best dish of ice cream that they had ever tasted and wanted more.
And more. And more.
Every time Jensen so much as stepped outside the gates, he was immediately hounded by paparazzi who begged him to turn this way or that way or look over here when they weren't asking questions about everything from what colors he was planning on his Spring line to whether he was really dating so-and-so to what were his thoughts on the mid-term elections. Jensen always took the blinding flashes and screaming like a pro, waving like the Queen of England out the window of the limo or jokingly asking them if they were all out there to go for a run with him.
Jensen was almost a completely different person when cameras were around. Charming, polite, gracious. Well, as long as no one got too out of line with the photos or the questions. The stories about him punching out photographers and hurling plates of cheese at waiters had to come from somewhere.
5: So Much Depends on Reputation. Guard it with Your Life
Jared tried to fade into the background like the rest of the staff, but between his height and Jensen constantly snapping orders at him, it wasn't exactly feasible. He ended up in a lot of magazines as the somewhat blurry face behind Jensen. His favorite was the "Stars, They're Just Like Us!" article in Us Weekly, which featured Jared's foot in the corner of a photo of Jensen crouching down to pick out a pumpkin at the Farmer's Market for his nephew to carve for Halloween. Jensen had a studious expression on his face like picking just the right one was the most important thing in the world and Jared was wearing his favorite pair of pink Converse, which happened to match Jensen's shirt.
Chad pasted it up all over the office, circling Jared's foot in red ink with captions like, "Big Foot is Real!", "Ugly Shoes for Sale", and "Dick Not Proportionate." Despite Sandy tearing them down every morning, they always popped up again a few days later, until she finally gave up, the last one super-glued to the front of Jared's old desk.
14: Pose as a Friend, Work as a Spy
Perhaps the most bizarre thing about Jensen, other than his dating habits, was the inordinate amount of time he spent with people he obviously hated. There was a lunch with Paris Hilton despite Jensen having bitched just the day before about how she was a complete airhead and that people should have to earn their fame, not just have rich fathers; a dinner with Michael Kors, whom Jensen called a middle-aged queen with no taste; Brunch with an ever rotating ensemble of top directors and their wives, the latter of which Jensen referred to as the Barbie Brigade. The list went on and on. Jared wasn't entirely sure that Jensen actually had any friends, just a parade of people he used and discarded like tissues.
That is, until Jared met Misha Collins.
2: Never Put Too Much Trust in Friends, Learn How to Use Enemies
Misha was the straight man's answer to Perez Hilton. He ran an ultra-bitchy blog where he posted obviously manipulated photos of celebrities and, bizarrely, recipes. The post with the most hits on the site was about Jensen and Jeffrey Dean's very public, very juicy divorce proceedings, which included testimony from several of their house staff alleging that Jensen was physically abusive. In addition to quotes from the closed-door divorce proceedings, there were several photos of Jeffrey Dean sporting a black eye and one with Jensen in a thong shoving his tongue down some rap star's throat.
Jared would've assumed that Misha would be the last person on earth Jensen would want to be friends with, but they had a longstanding golf date every month and constantly texted each other. When Jared finally worked up the nerve to ask about it, Jensen just raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow.
"Misha and I have an arrangement. I feed him gossip and he doesn't feed me to the sharks."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?" Jared asked.
Jensen smirked. "Something like that."
36: Disdain Things You Cannot Have; Ignoring Them Is the Best Revenge
Despite Jensen's dubious relationship with Misha Collins, he still showed up in the tabloids all the time. There were constant rumors about everything from who Jensen was dating to who he had rivalries with to whether he was really a human and not just a robot bent on destroying the earth; the last one was in The Enquirer, but that didn't stop Jared from debating it for a second.
Jensen seemed to find each one more amusing than the last until an interview with Jeffrey Dean popped up in GQ about the JRA clothing line Jensen supposedly designed for, although Jared still had no evidence to support that. Of course, they asked about his relationship with Jensen and Jeffrey Dean was quoted as saying:
"[laughs] Jensen and I are history. He does his thing and I do mine. I hardly ever see him. Truthfully, I don't want to see him."
The magazine got thrown across the room, nearly taking off one of the maid's heads. It was followed by a crystal vase, a painting of the Eiffel Tower, and a bowl of daises that had been sitting on the buffet. While Jared and some of the other staff stood there in shock, Jensen went on a rampage through the entire house, throwing seemingly random objects into the foyer.
"All of those things were Mr. Morgan's," someone whispered. "Or things Mr. Morgan gave to Jensen."
Jared whirled around, trying to figure out who said it, but everyone was staring blankly at him. "I thought Jensen was over his ex-husband?"
A couple of the older staff members snorted but Jared didn't have time to question them because a baby grand piano was currently heading straight for his head. Jared managed to dive into the library just in time. A few seconds later, Jensen calmly walked inside and handed Jared the day planner.
"Please cancel all appointments with Mr. Morgan for the duration."
"Sure," Jared said. "Of course."
Jensen nodded curtly and then disappeared into his home studio; a room Jared had never seen him set foot in before. But Jared didn't dare follow him. He just opened up the book and called Sandy.
13: When Asking for Help, Appeal to People's Self-Interest, Never to Their Mercy or Gratitude
The whole man-candy part of the deal didn't come up until Jared had been working for Jensen for almost six months. Jensen, wearing a tuxedo from his own line, perfectly tailored, of course, swept into the kitchen, where Jared was making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
"How can you eat that?" Jensen wrinkled his nose as Jared took a huge bite out of the sandwich. "Never mind. Butler is waiting upstairs for you to get you dressed."
"Dressed for what?" Jared mumbled through the peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth.
"The Cherry Ball, of course."
Jared swallowed hard. The Cherry Ball was only the most exclusive event of the season. On the surface, it was a charity event for HIV prevention, but in reality, it was the place to be seen as a gay man. Only the best, the brightest, the most beautiful were invited. Jared couldn't afford a ticket to it even if he fell into any of those categories.
"Really?" Jared asked
"Really." Jensen gave one of his very rare smiles. "Now go get dressed. Fashionably late is one thing, missing the opening number is another."
34: Be Royal in Your Fashion: Act Like a King to be Treated Like One
The Cherry Ball was always held at the Fine Arts Museum in the Great Hall. The balustrades were covered in red silk, cherry blossoms decorated every flat surface, and while the guests were dressed to the nines, the waiters all wore skimpy briefs in assorted shades of red. Pink champagne was the only drink available other than water and the color scheme even extended to the food.
Truthfully, the whole effect made Jared feel like he was swimming in a bowl of Pepto Bismal, but he couldn't deny how exciting it was to be surrounded by the elite of the city with none other than the cream of the crop, Jensen Ackles, on his arm. Everyone stared at them, most with open admiration, and the crowd parted for them like they were royalty.
Jensen was at his charming best, shaking hands and kissing cheeks, his laughter infectious. Even Jared almost fell for the act, even though he was the one feeding Jensen people's names, having memorized Jensen's black book long ago. People practically salivated over Jensen and he ate it up with style.
45: Preach the Need for Change, but Never Reform Too Much at Once
Jared should have known that Jensen wasn't merely a guest at the ball, but also a performer. When the host for the evening announced his name, Jensen stepped onto the stage and gave a depreciative smile before launching into the hit single off his album, "One Condition." The song was supposedly about how if we all just did one nice thing, it would save the world or some other pay-it-forward bullshit.
Personally, Jared thought it was awful, over-synthesized dreck, but everyone else apparently loved it because they were either dancing or staring at Jensen with rapt attention, like he was preaching to them.
No accounting for good taste.
24: Play the Perfect Courtier
Jensen's taste wasn't much to write home about either. After his performance, he spent most of the evening hanging off the arm of a guy old enough to be his grandfather. Apparently the guy was an oil tycoon of some sort with more money than god and, knowing Jensen, a big dick and enough Viagra to put it to use.
Of course, Jared still had to stand there, just a few steps behind Jensen, in case he was needed. So he was forced to watch Jensen in seduction mode, all light touches and coy smiles for a man Jared wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole. Obviously Jensen had some major daddy issues.
"Oh, Lloyd," Jensen giggled when the old man pinched his ass. "You're so naughty."
Jared resisted the urge to throw up. This saccharine, giggling thing was not the Jensen that Jared knew at all. Jensen was at best a neurotic mess and at worst a raging bitch. He was not the darling, charming person everyone else seemed to see.
The strange thing was that Jared was beginning to like seeing the real Jensen, the Jensen no one else got. Why exactly did Jensen feel like he had to put up a front for the rest of the world anyway?
28: Enter Action with Boldness
A few hours into the party, Jensen disappeared. Jared assumed he left with Lloyd. The party was still going on and with no obligations for the first time in months, Jared let himself get lost in the pounding dance music. He flirted with one of the hot waiters, danced with a drag queen, and wound up with current It-boy, Matt Cohen, in the back room.
Matt was the type of guy that Jared usually went for; kind of rugged-looking and masculine but with a hint of vulnerability. He was an awesome kisser and didn't seem to care that they might get caught even though Matt wasn't out and considering his long string of action movies, being found sucking another dude's cock wasn't going to be the best thing for his career.
Jared let all concerns fall away when Matt sunk to his knees though. Not like he was the guy's boyfriend or anything. And Matt was way better at sucking cock than pretending to shoot a gun, anyway.
12: Use Selective Honesty and Generosity to Disarm Your Victim
Jared came home on an endorphin high, suit jacket lost somewhere along the way as well as his tie. The house was quiet, the only light coming from the kitchen. Whistling slightly, Jared headed that way, hoping that Maria, the night chef, was maybe baking some of her famous chocolate chip cookies for her grandchildren, considering that Jensen ran screaming at the mere thought of carbs.
Instead, he found Jensen sitting on a barstool at the island in his pajamas, his chin propped up in his hand while he stared forlornly at a stack of papers; they appeared to be a legal document of some sort. Jensen didn't seem to have noticed him, so Jared hovered in the doorway and watched as Jensen flipped the page, his eyes going wide before he made a defeated sound. A couple more pages and he pushed the document away, burying his head in his hands.
Jensen had never looked so vulnerable, so young. Just as Jared was about to turn away to give Jensen some privacy, the other man looked up.
"What?" Jensen rasped.
"Umm, I was just…" Jared pointed over his shoulder, back toward the staircase.
"I think you should take a vacation. I have a summer home on Martha's Vineyard if you'd like to use it."
Jared blinked at the non-sequitur. "That's very generous of you, but-"
"Please be ready to leave by noon tomorrow. Driver will take you to the airport; you can take my private jet. Anything you like."
Jared wasn't an idiot; he could tell Jensen was pushing him away for some reason. He bet it had something to do with whatever was in those legal documents, but it's not as though Jensen was going to confide in Jared. After all, to Jensen, Jared was just another employee, a nameless, faceless entity that made his life easier and nothing more.
So Jared just nodded in agreement and then left.
42: Strike the Shepherd and the Sheep Will Scatter
As it turned out, Jared wasn't the only one Jensen dismissed for the week. Driver was headed back home to Kansas and the pilot and flight attendant on the jet were headed to New York after dropping Jared off on Martha's Vineyard. All of them commented on how strange it was for Jensen to send them all away.
"The man can't even make toast," Chef had commented that morning. "How he plans to survive on his own, I have no idea."
Jared didn't have any idea either, but he wasn't about to argue against an all-expenses-paid vacation.
20: Do Not Commit to Anyone
The house on Martha's Vineyard came with one staff member, a college student who acted as the caretaker for the 349 odd days that Jensen didn't spend there. His name was Brock Kelly and he had a remarkable resemblance to Jensen.
"Like, I'm his cousin three times removed or something," Brock confided when Jared asked how he had ended up with this job.
Before this, Jared had never heard Jensen mention family at all. Jared didn't think Jensen had any family. Like he was dropped on this earth as the prettiest man alive instead of being born like a normal human being; from what Jared had seen, it wasn't all that improbable.
"So, where are Jensen's parents?" Jared tried to casually ask one morning at breakfast.
"Dead. Car accident when he was a kid. An aunt ended up taking him in but he skipped out when he was sixteen. Two months later, he shows up to one of the family reunions on the arm of some guy and demanded his trust fund from his grandfather. Jensen wasn't supposed to get it until he turned twenty-one or got married. Let me tell you, they weren't expecting a marriage to a dude."
"Jeffrey Dean?"
Brock shook his head. "Nah, that's his third husband? Fourth? Something like that."
Jared nearly spit out the juice he had been drinking. "Fourth?"
"Yeah. I thought everyone knew that. People magazine called him the Elizabeth Taylor of gay men." Brock raised an eyebrow. "You are gay, right?"
39: Stir Up Waters to Catch Fish
Of course it wasn't all that hard to find all the old articles. Perez Hilton actually had an entire section dedicated to Jensen called "Lifestyles of the Rich and Useless," featuring several unflattering photos that Jared was pretty sure were photo-shopped.
Husband number one was some guy named Christian Kane, apparently not famous and also very short. Their marriage lasted a whole of six months, when Jensen filed for an annulment. Husband number two was one of the heirs to the Johnson & Johnson fortune. That one lasted about a year before Jensen was apparently caught cheating with one of the other models on a photo shoot for Calvin Klein, Wentworth Miller, who also happened to be husband number three. Not surprisingly, that marriage didn't last long either. Jensen ran off to Italy with a Count of some sort, but skipped the marriage part of the equation. Instead he ditched that guy for Lloyd, the oil baron from the Cherry Ball, and that marriage managed to last three years before Jensen met Jeffrey Dean.
Even Perez Hilton admitted that it was almost like a fairy-tale. Jeffrey Dean had been in the middle of buying Jensen's then-fledgling clothing line while Jensen and Lloyd were in the middle of a surprisingly amicable divorce considering the amount of money and property involved. There was a whole courting period once the divorce was finalized where Jensen and Jeffrey Dean were photographed at romantic restaurants, charity events, and everywhere in-between. Supposedly, Jeffrey Dean proposed on the viewing platform of the Eiffel Tower. There was a wedding that cost more than a million dollars, a honeymoon that crossed four continents, a fifty-million-dollar house purchased in both their names, and heavy talk about adopting children.
A year later, they were filling for divorced.
47: Do Not Go Past the Mark You Aimed for; in Victory, Learn When to Stop
Not surprisingly, the divorce was a drawn out, bitter affair that involved an army of lawyers. There had been no pre-nuptial agreement and on top of that, Jeffrey Dean owned most of Jensen's commercial ventures including the JRA clothing line, an independent record label, and a gallery. Jeffrey Dean's lawyers had argued that since the company Morgan Industries technically held the rights to those entities, they should remain the property of Jeffrey Dean. Jensen's lawyers argued that Jensen owned the copyright to his likeness and all original materials.
Surprisingly, the proceedings were still going on, and at this point, had lasted longer than the marriage itself.
Jared realized that those legal papers Jensen was so upset about must have been about the divorce. Maybe it was all finally resolved. Or maybe Jensen had just given up.
18: Do Not Build Fortresses to Protect Yourself. Isolation is Dangerous
When Jared returned from his vacation, he entered the house to find Jensen sprawled out on a couch in the library. He looked and smelled like he hadn't showered the entire time the staff was gone. The coffee table was littered with empty bottles of bourbon and used tissues. Jensen's eyes were red-rimmed and he was pale and sickly looking.
Jensen looked up when Jared stepped closer, his eyes wide. "Please, I don't want anyone to see me like this."
Jared held out his hand. "C'mon, the rest of the staff won't be back until tomorrow. Let's get you cleaned up."
Amazingly, Jensen didn't protest when Jared led him to the master bathroom and started taking off his clothes. Jared tried not to touch too much skin or even look at Jensen despite the fact that he had seen the other man naked dozens of times. Somehow, this seemed more intense with Jensen so vulnerable looking.
Before he got into the shower, Jensen paused and looked at Jared through his lashes, his voice soft. "Thanks, Jared."
22: Use the Surrender Tactic: Transform Weakness into Power
Within a matter of hours, Jensen was back to his diva-self, the hot water in the shower apparently wiping away all traces of humility along with the grime. He screamed at one of the maids for not dusting the foyer to his specifications, berated all three chefs for even daring to bring carbs into his house, and made the mailman burst into tears. Jared ran around after Jensen, consoling and apologizing, wondering if that hint of vulnerability was even genuine or if it was just another of Jensen's many tricks to get what he wanted.
Except, what did he want? What did crying in front of Jared get him other than embarrassment? Sympathy? Empathy? No, Jared wasn't feeling much of either at the moment. Really, he felt like having a good stiff drink and maybe slapping Jensen into next week.
25: Re-Create Yourself
"Jared? Jared? Jared!" Jensen screamed from the walk-in closet.
Jared weaved through the endless racks of clothing and towers of shoeboxes to find Jensen at the very back of the closet, hands on his hips. Jensen gestured expansively at the closet, which was roughly the size of the average family's home.
"I have nothing to wear. Nothing. Get the keys to the town car, you're taking me shopping."
"Umm, you have acres of clothing," Jared dared to say.
Jensen raised one perfectly sculpted eyebrow. "Are you seriously kidding me? All of this is last season. Just… just get rid of it. All of it."
With that, Jensen stormed away. Jared glanced around the closet with a sigh and then called the Butler to take care of it.
27: Play on People's Need to Believe to Create a Cult-Like Following
Shopping with Jensen was like trying to tame a fairy on acid. He jumped from rack to rack, store to store, throwing things into Jared's arms, barking orders at the staff, all while flashing his Centurion AmEx. Jensen seemed to be in his element, a genuine smile on his face.
Of course the staff at every shop adored him, fawned over him, and catered to his every desire. People practically tripped over themselves to do whatever Jensen wanted, no matter how ridiculous the request, and hung on his every word like it was gospel. Jensen said that purple was so last season when they were in Zegna and an entire rack of ties got thrown in the garbage. He casually mentioned at Hugo Boss that he wished their tropical wool suit came in a lighter color and they were on the phone to the design house in Germany within seconds.
Someone even sprinted ten blocks to the nearest Jamba Juice to get Jensen a smoothie, which Jensen took one sip of and then tossed the cup in the guy's face. The guy actually looked crestfallen at the rejection, which made Jared roll his eyes so hard it almost hurt.
32: Play to People's Fantasies
At the end of the day, Jared found himself sitting on a plush couch in the dressing room of Armani, surrounded by shopping bags, with an indulgent smile on his face as Jensen twirled in front of the mirror, admiring himself from every angle in a sinfully tight pair of grey wool pants. Jensen seemed almost child-like in his excitement, his body relaxed, and his eyes sparkling with pure joy.
Ten seconds later, Jared had to revise that whole assessment when Jensen sauntered over and straddled Jared's lap. Jared's hands hovered over Jensen's hips, not sure what to do. Jensen leaned in and ghosted his lips up Jared's neck before gently nipping his ear.
"Shopping makes me so horny."
Okay, so maybe not so child-like. Jared cleared his throat and willed himself to not react to the hottest man on the planet writhing in his lap. Even if he had fantasized about it, having sex with his boss was definitely not on the menu.
"Umm, maybe we should get going. Don't you have an appointment with Pablo?" Jared said as he gently pushed Jensen off his lap.
Jensen pouted. "Don't you want me?"
Jared couldn't resist flitting his eyes down Jensen's body, lingering on the prominent bulge in his pants. "That's not the point."
"Whatever." Jensen stripped off the pants in one, fluid motion and tossed them in Jared's face. "I don't want those anyway."
44: Disarm and Infuriate with the Mirror Effect
When Pablo came out of Jensen's room later that day with swollen lips and hickeys decorating his neck, looking sheepish, Jared tried really hard to not feel jealous. Instead, he took Jensen's seaweed protein shake from Chef and brought it into Jensen himself. Jensen was lounging on the bed wearing nothing but a sated smile, red handprints on his hips, and a sheen of sweat. He glanced up when Jared entered the room and then sighed.
"Oh, it's you." Jensen waved at Jared dismissively once he had set the shake down on the nightstand. "I don't need you. Go find something else to do."
Jared gritted his teeth at Jensen's bored tone and forced himself to smile politely. "Of course, Mr. Ackles."
If he slammed the door a bit too hard on his way out, it wasn't out of anger or jealousy.
9: Win Through Your Actions, Never Through Argument
The next day, Jensen acted like absolutely nothing had happened while at the same time, being even more of a bitch than normal, which just pissed off Jared even more. Jared was just trying to be a professional. What was so wrong with that?
"Where are my Zanella pants? The ones with the beige wool?" Jensen asked as he marched through the closet. "And my green shirt from Joseph Abboud?"
"You had me get rid of all of your old clothes, remember?" Jared called from his seat on a divan at the back of the room.
He was trying to organize Jensen's calendar like he was actually paid to do, but never had time for because Jensen was insane. There was a conflict between a photo shoot for Calvin Klein and an appearance on some Italian TV show to promote his new album, and then his agent wanted him to read some scripts. Meanwhile, Jensen was only interested in one of a thousand outfits he owned.
"And you actually listened to me?" Jensen shouted from somewhere off to Jared's right. "What am I going to wear?"
Jared rolled his eyes. Seriously? He grabbed the nearest pair of pants and shirt, tossing them in Jensen's direction. Jensen made a huffy sound from back there.
The next thing Jared knew, a Prada shoe -- thrown with the deadly accuracy only someone prone to temper-tantrums could manage -- was smacking him in face.
11: Learn to Keep People Dependent on You
The shoe had given Jared a black eye. His doctor said he was lucky something hadn't been permanently damaged. Jared resisted the urge to tell him that something was going to be permanently damaged, all right, and it was going to be Jensen Ackles' balls. Or maybe his pretty face.
Of course, Chad found he whole story to be absolutely hilarious. "A shoe!" He kept repeating between bouts of laughter. "In your face!"
Jared pouted into his rum and coke. "It's not that funny. He has a good arm. I think he used to play baseball."
"Yeah, I bet he was a catcher!" Chad crowed, laughing so hard at his own joke that he started coughing.
"Sympathy, man, sympathy. Is that too much to ask for?" Jared muttered as he pounded his fist on Chad's back.
Chad looked up at Jared, suddenly serious. "Why don't you just quit?"
It was a good question, but Jared didn't have an answer.
40: Despise the Free Lunch
As it turned out, all of Jared's careful negotiations to fix Jensen's schedule were for naught, because a date had finally been set for the divorce proceedings, which, of course, conflicted with everything. Jared was up half the night across multiple time zones, playing phone tag and apologizing. By the time his alarm went off, Jared had just gone to bed and wasn't in the mood to deal with anything other than a cup of coffee.
But, as usual, Jensen had other ideas.
He burst into Jared's room, not even bothering to knock, holding up two different suits, and looking like he hadn't slept much either. One suit and then the other was shoved in Jared's face, both looking like blurry, black blobs between the lack of sleep and his black eye.
"Which one? I think the navy blue says reliable, stable, safe. But the grey says confident, young, hot. If you were a judge, which would you go for?"
Jared swiped a hand across his face and attempted to wet his dry mouth, but before he could say anything, Jensen was talking again.
"I think the judge is a woman though. So does that even matter? My ass looks better in the grey one though. Jeffrey Dean might be distracted enough by that."
"Distracted?" Jared managed to get his brain on-line enough to question what the hell Jensen was going on about. "Why would you want him distracted?"
Jared swore Jensen said something like, "So he doesn't pity me," but he was gone again before Jared could really make sense of it.
26: Keep Your Hands Clean
Luckily, Jared wasn't forced to attend the divorce proceedings. Instead, he got updates from Maria ,whose cousin's wife's aunt was the court reporter. Apparently most of the first day was spent going over reams upon reams of paperwork, which explained in excruciating detail who owned what and who bought what from whom and why this or that asset was not divisible. The lawyers did all the talking with occasional interjections from an accountant of some sort.
It was all so incredibly boring that even Perez Hilton didn't have anything to say about it.
33: Discover Each Man's Thumbscrew
The second day was when it got really exciting. Jeffrey Dean accused Jensen of cheating. Jensen accused Jeffrey Dean of luring into the marriage under false pretenses. Jensen's entire love life going back to high school was dragged out. Jeffrey Dean was faced with a forensic accountant who had evidence that money had been siphoned off somewhere and was unaccounted for in the list of assets.
Maria swore that the judge had to bang his gavel to call the court to order at least fifteen times.
All in all, Jared thought it went better than he expected.
4: Always Say Less Than Necessary
In the end, Jensen wound up with the rights to his "artistic endeavors" and not much else. Jeffrey Dean got to keep Morgan Industries, the mansion, and most of the money, excluding royalties owed to Jensen. Surprisingly, Jensen didn't fight the ruling, didn't even say a word. He just shook everyone's hands and walked out without a backward glance.
He wouldn't even say "no comment" to the reporters gathered outside; he just smiled and waved and got into the town car.
3: Conceal Your Intentions
Jensen came into the house and practically threw himself down on a kitchen stool. Jared turned from where he was watching coverage of the divorce on E! and tried to look guilty.
"Oh, don't even bother. We all knew this was coming," Jensen said dismissively.
"We did?" Jared asked before he could stop himself.
"Well, it's not like I wanted any of that stuff."
Jared laughed. "What? Seriously? You?"
Jensen waved his hand. "Oh, don't act so surprised. You do know I'm worth five times more than Jeffrey Dean, right? I'm the heir to the Ackles Oil fortune and my trust was the one thing I kept his name off of, the one thing I've kept every husband's name off."
"Then why did you go through with all the arguing and the lawyers?" Jared frowned.
"The publicity." Jensen paused. "Oh, and to bankrupt Jeffrey Dean. What he's going to owe those lawyers of his…"
While Jared stood there gaping like an idiot, Jensen winked. The neurotic bastard had played them all.
48: Assume Formlessness
The mansion was packed up in a matter of days, items shipped off to Jensen's summer home or to auction. All of the household staff were staying on, at least temporarily, while Jeffrey Dean decided what to do with the house. Jared figured he would put it on the market as soon as possible to pay off some of his debt.
Obviously, Jeffrey Dean wasn't going to keep Jared on, but Jared wasn't sure that Jensen wasn't going to take him with to the summer house either. Jared half-heartedly considered moving back into his own apartment with Chad, who had been sub-letting it. Just like Jared half-heartedly looked for a new job and half-heartedly did his current job.
Jensen gave no indication that he was even considering Jared's future, and Jared hated being in limbo. But he felt some bizarre loyalty to Jensen and wouldn't leave on his own, so he stuck around, just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
38: Think As You Like but Behave Like Others
Jared figured he had his answer when he woke up to find a letter propped up on his nightstand a few days later. The note inside was a standard form letter, which went on about his dismissal and his rights to unemployment benefits, and attached to it was a check, which Jared assumed was his severance. He sat there flipping through the documents in his hands, looking for some kind of note from Jensen, some personal acknowledgment of any kind, but there was nothing, not even his signature at the bottom of the letter.
He wasn't going to admit it, but being treated like any other employee hurt. But that's what Jared supposed he was to Jensen, just another in a line of nameless, faceless people there to serve him.
10: Infection: Avoid the Unhappy and Unlucky
By the end of the day, Jared had packed up all of his belongings and, with the help of Chad's truck, had moved everything back into his old apartment. While his apartment had never felt huge, it had been comfortable while he had been living in it. After having lived in the mansion, it felt like a shoebox now. Especially since Chad was still living there too.
Jared could admit that he spent the next week moping around. He didn't bother to look for jobs or help Chad apartment hunt or even to do much beyond leaving the couch. It wasn't like he was really depressed, but working for Jensen had been a big, exciting thing. Every day was different, with a new set of craziness, and now everything was just so ordinary. And Jensen was fun to be around when he wasn't being a complete bitch. Jared could even admit to his own shallow nature and say it hadn't been hard to spent the day looking at that, either.
Boring, plain, simple; something Jared had never minded before, but suddenly they seemed like the worst thing that could've happened to him.
35: Master the Art of Timing
Jared's new job fell in his lap, literally. He had finally forced himself off the couch, into the shower, and out the door to the coffee shop down the street. The plan was to use their wi-fi to search for jobs or at least to get some fresh air. But before he could even get the browser open on his computer, a girl tripped and fell across his lap. By instinct, Jared steadied her, but the girl didn't make any move to get up.
"You're Jared Padalecki, yes?"
The girl had a British accent and a charming smile. She also looked vaguely familiar, but Jared couldn't quite place her. Then again, his brain was a bit foggy what with spending most of his day staring into nothingness trying to tell himself that he did not care about Jensen Ackles, not one bit.
"Yes, and you are?"
"Lauren Cohan." She stuck out her hand for Jared to shake, which he did. "Your new boss." She hopped off his lap at that point, sliding into the seat across from him. "I run a PR firm and your experience with a certain diva? Invaluable. So, what do you say?"
Jared laughed in disbelief. "Are you serious? You're offering me a job just like that? No interview? Nothing?"
"Nope." She grabbed a napkin and scrawled something on it before pushing it across the table. "Address of my firm, phone number, salary. See you tomorrow?"
Before Jared could answer, she was gone.
43: Work on the Hearts and Minds of Others
Of course he showed up to the address because it's not like he had anything better to do other than pretend he wasn't moping after Jensen, and luckily it was an actual opportunity. Cohen-Cassidy was a fledgling company run by Lauren and her partner in all things, Katie. Their clients were mainly B-list actors and independent music artists so obscure that they weren't even on Facebook. But the girls had ambition and that's where Jared came in.
He had Jensen's entire black book memorized, and so his job was mainly to call these people up and try to get them to switch firms. It was almost like the telemarketing job he held for all of five months back in college, except that most of the people he talked to were genuinely interested to hear from him.
A lot of them didn't switch, but offered names of friends who were looking; Jared slowly but surely built the client list like that. He was still good at remembering details about people, still good about being diplomatic, and it felt good to have that skill be recognized and valued by someone instead of being dismissed.
The day Lauren and Katie decided they had too much work to handle it on their own and hired additional staff was one of the proudest days of Jared's life. He had been a part of making that happen.
15: Crush Your Enemy Totally
It's not like Jared deliberately kept up with Jensen's life, but he couldn't help it when the other man was on the cover of every magazine, a guest on every talk show, and still plastered across billboards everywhere in just his underwear.
All anyone could talk about was the divorce and how Jeffrey Dean had fled to some non-extradition country after that forensic accountant had uncovered more inconsistencies in Morgan Industries' books. There was a warrant out for his arrest. Apparently all those conference calls Jared wasn't supposed to interrupt? All had to do with some highly illegal side-business.
Jensen looked positively distraught in every interview, if you ignored the evil gleam in his eye when the camera hit him at just the right angle.
41: Avoid Stepping Into a Great Man's Shoes
After several months, Lauren and Katie offered Jared partnership in their firm, but he declined. It was their baby and he didn't want to get entangled in that side of things. He told them that he'd had enough babysitting when he worked for Jensen; he couldn't imagine doing it for dozens of clients all with their own needs and quirks.
They were okay with that, but insisted on giving him something in return for the boost his contacts had given the firm. He expected a salary increase or a bonus, but they went one extra step and provided him with an all-expenses-paid trip to Paris. Jared found it to be a bit bizarre that it was all for one person, but he went along with it, as it seemed rude to turn it down.
29: Plan All the Way to the End
Paris was absolutely beautiful. Jared spent most of his days strolling along the Seine, visiting museums, and dining in little cafes with the locals. His high school French was rusty, but he got by on "Parlez-vous anglais?" and hand gestures.
Halfway through his vacation, he took a trip to Versailles, where he visited the palace. He was touring the grounds when someone knocked into him, shoving him into the bushes. When Jared parted the branches to see who the culprit was, he was faced with the last person he ever expected.
"Jensen?"
Jensen broke into a wide smile and held his hand out to Jared to pull him up. "Jared, fancy meeting you here."
Jared accepted the hand up, but his mind was reeling. Suddenly the ticket for one made sense; Katie and Lauren had to be in on this. No way was this all a coincidence.
21: Play a Sucker to Catch a Sucker: Play Dumber Than Your Mark
"You planned this, didn't you?" Jared accused Jensen once he'd dusted himself off and they settled on one of the benches lining the path.
"Of course not," Jensen huffed as if the entire idea was completely ridiculous. "I'm here for a photo shoot."
Jared turned his body so he was fully facing Jensen and leaned in closer. "No, you did. You had to have. There is no way this a coincidence. No way."
Jensen gave Jared one of his infamous pouts, but Jared just crossed his arms over his chest and glared. Finally, Jensen sighed and then held up his hands.
"Okay, maybe. Maybe I gave Katie and Lauren the vacation package and suggested they give it to you, but that was all."
"Uh-huh," Jared said doubtfully.
"Alright, so I gave it to them and told them to give it to you," Jensen admitted.
"And?" Jared prompted.
"And what?" Jensen blinked innocently.
"You got me the job, too, didn't you?"
"I might have had a hand in that." Jensen bit his lip. "But I felt really guilty firing you like I did."
"Because?" Jared prompted when Jensen didn't seem to be moving forward with any kind of explanation.
Jensen sighed and then grabbed Jared by the back of his neck, pulling him in so they were nose-to-nose.
"Because I've had a crush on you since the day we met. Because you're a good guy and I don't deserve you," Jensen whispered, brushing his lips against Jared's. He got to his feet before Jared could even think about kissing him back and held out his hand. "Why don't we walk a bit? I think I have some explaining to do."
1: Never Outshine the Master
Over the course of the ride back to Paris and the walk up to Montmartre, where Jensen insisted they would find the best crepes Jared would ever eat, Jared got the entire saga of Jensen's life from his crazy teenage years and first marriage to what he'd been doing since his last divorce-supposedly plotting ways to steal Jared's heart. Most of it Jared already knew, but he let Jensen tell it anyway. Jensen seemed to be well aware of how ridiculous the entire story sounded, how the revenge he took on Jeffrey Dean was kind of evil, and that he wasn't easy to deal with, at all.
"But my pretty face and hot body makes it all worth it, right?" Jensen asked with a teasing smile as they stood on the steps of the Sacré-Coeur Basilica and took in the stunning view of the city shinning below them.
Jared smiled back despite himself and took Jensen's hand in his. "We'll see."
Sequel: Come and Trim My Christmas Tree