Between what you want and what you need - Jongkey/Onkey [1/1]
Between what you want and what you need | Jongkey, Onkey | r | 4800+ au, angst, smut, drama, romance, | unbeta-ed ,swearing, pregnancy
note: High possiblility of finding mistakes. Between what you want and what you need
Gwiboon's body shakes, her arms tense and her hair falls into her face as she heaves the remnants of her last meal into her toilet. Her stomach is convulsing and her thin frame shuddering with dry heaves as she moans in pain. She hasn't stopped puking since one week ago and the only thing she can think now is fuck fuck fuck. She inhales, tries not to throw up again because of the smell, throws her hair back and wipes her mouth. Her vision is blurring and she doesn't know if it's because of tears or because she is just too shocked right now. And then she heaves again, chin hitting against the toilet and she feels the tears run down her face.
***
You think it's the best that has ever happened in your life. It's beautiful and breathtaking, something that makes you laugh and grin and see everything so much better than it really is. It makes you blind in a way that others don't approve of, but you don't care or don't notice because you are not only blind but also deaf and oblivious to everything around you except him and that oh, so glorious feeling thrumming through your body with every breath you take.
***
There is something about drugstores that makes Gwiboon feel really, really uneasy. Maybe it's just the drugstores stores in this part of the city, but it feels as if all kind of strange people like to gather inside and around those kinds of shops and that's really scary.
Gwboon has got a hood covering her head and a pair of worn jeans plus old sneaker on. It's nothing she would normally ever wear on the streets and she hopes just please, oh god, please, that no one will recognize her. She walks through the aisles, finds what she is looking for and chooses to ignore the sympathetic look the shop's owner shoots her. When she steps out of the store, she pulls the hood more over her face, hiding the bags under her red eyes and the tear stains.
***
He never says he loves you, but you know he does, or at least you believe it with all your heart. You don't say it either because even if you are floating around on cloud seven and even if everything is great there is still your past and the shitty apartment you live in and the self-abuse you call a job. You are afraid of it, because you never really had it and you think for him it's the same because his life is just as shitty as yours. But you have each other and there are the touches and the kisses and the laughs and you don't need anything else, not even ‘I love you’s.
***
Pregnancy tests, Gwiboon decides are really, really shitty. She's bought three and two of them say she is pregnant, one says she is not. Even if she knows, deep, deep inside that no there is no way she can't be, that one stupid 'no' is just... there and it's like the light at the end of a black tunnel or something and yeah... Gwiboon can't help hoping.
***
You think there is nothing that can destroy what you have, nothing that could get in the way. Even if you fight sometimes, because he is just so repulsive, just like you and because he is just as fiery as you are, you think it's okay, it's normal. He caresses your skin and tell you how beautiful you are and even there have been many people saying that you feel as if his opinion is the only one that matters. And he makes you feel beautiful, makes you feel special and perfect and that's all you need.
***
Hospitals, she thinks are even worse than drugstores. They stink of sickness and sadness and there she sits, small and scared between drunken men and abused women (though that's not what she's scared about -it's what she sees everyday after all). When the small, fat nurse steps in, her hoarse voice rasping out Gwiboon's name before she turns around again, Gwiboon can't help the fear in her gut.
"Well," the doctor says, sighing, because he knows this is not a good message, it never is nowadays and this girl is seventeen how could it be? "You are pregnant" He sighs again, pats her back offers as much comfort as he can to the crying girl in front of him.
***
Sometimes he brings his guitar into your one room apartment. Then he tells you that you are his muse, his inspiration and he sings for you. About love and about beauty and about a fairy that makes his heart flutter. He says he writes the songs for you and you break into a smile and close your eyes and listen to the beauty that is his voice and you forget about your problems, forget to tell him that you have no money to buy birth control, forget everything.
***
"Fuck. This is like seriously... fuck. Gwiboon." Kibum says, cigarette tugged between his lips as he leans against Gwiboon. He releases a lungful of smoke into her small one-room apartment- one mattress, a mirror, a small stove, a lamp and a closet -plus bathroom of course.
Gwiboon shrinks and then there are the tears again and she thinks the pregnancy must already be doing something with her hormones because she never ever cries. And then there is that feeling in her belly again and she stands up, stumbles to the bathroom, heaves, heaves but nothing is coming out, because there is nothing inside and Gwiboon lets her head fall to the toilet lit, her arms slack and her breath coming out in short pants, just like she had been doing it for days.
She feels Kibum next to her, his hands suddenly pulling her up, pressing her close and she can smell his cigarette breath as he whispers reassuring, but meaningless words.
***
"Let's get away," he says and half an hour later you are sitting behind him on his motorbike, arms slung around his slim waist and forehead leaning against his broad shoulders. The wind caresses your face and you feel free. Like a bird.
He takes you around, shows you places that are so breathtaking that they make tears well in your eyes. He loves you in the ocean, behind a tree in the middle of the night, in a stolen car, in a dirty bathroom, in a cheap motel and everywhere where your trip takes you and every time it's more beautiful, better, the best.
***
It's two days later that she starts to (gets forced to) eat again. Kibum doesn't leave her side no matter how much she protests and he is there just as commanding and gay and diva-ish and mother-like, like he always is and he somehow manages to put Gwiboon together.
"You're like mom." He says and Gwiboon just scoffs, she doesn't want to be like her, and knows she never will be.
"Don't compare me to that woman." she answers, her head resting in Kibum's lap as he looks up at him. Kibum doesn't answer, just runs his fingers through Gwiboon's soft, brown hair and she can see the images, the memories flooding his eyes just like they do Gwiboon's. Kibum sighs then, shaking his head as he smiles lovingly at his sister.
"Do you at least know who the father is?"
Gwiboon scrunches her nose up and bites her bottom lip as she looks up, all big eyes and beauty.
"Someone." she settles for after thinking about it and Kibum just shakes his head again.
"I'm so glad I'm gay. I get to fuck pretty guys and won't even have to worry when a condom rips." he says smugly, smirk lining his pink lips. Gwiboon laughs, a sound Kibum hasn't heard in so long.
"Why didn't take the pill anyway?"
"I'm broke and I didn't have enough money to buy it."
Kibum flicks his twin sister over her head.
"How about you wait with fucking until you have money for the pill again huh?!" He scolds lightly and Gwiboon stares at him, wide eyed.
"That's like asking me to stop breathing."
They both laugh this time and it's a sound that no one really hears often in this part of the city.
***
You don't care when there is no money left. Let's just work a little bit, you say and he nods, kisses you and then you go off to sell your body like you are used to. When you get back he smiles at you as if you hadn't been with another man and embraces you and promises you that you won't even have to do it again. The next day he disappears for a few hours and when he returns and you look at him worriedly and then he shows you a back full of money and even though you are worried and all the questions of whys and hows swirl in your head you laugh and hug him and kiss him.
***
Gwiboon is glad that it's winter. That way she can hide her growing belly under a thick layer of jackets and scarves. She's still meeting people, flirting, being her normal self, except she has stopped having sex two weeks ago when someone asked her if she has gotten chubbier. She's also stopped smoking, drinking, doing drugs, clubbing everything that had bought her the sweet joy of forgetting.
Abortion is not and option. It's expensive, so expensive that someone like Gwiboon would have to whore herself out for a good two years to get the money together and she was definitely not one of the cheaper girls out there. Kibum's already gotten the hang of the whole pregnancy thing and is practically living with Gwiboon now, taking care of her and making sure that she won't drown in depressions. Gwiboon loves him all the more for that.
She is working as a cleaner now, since she can't use her body anymore, hair tugged into a messy pony-tail as she cleans through empty hallways and offices in the better part of the city. Sometimes she likes to hum or sing when she is bored her voice floating through the many rooms as she swings the broom around. She has always wanted to be a singer.
It's one night when she sing-cleans the offices and hallways that she meets Lee Jinki. He just appears behind her and coughs awkwardly and Gwiboon stops her singing, spins around and shrieks loudly.
"Jesus," she grounds out, hand pressing over her heart as she leans against her broom. The man in front of her -full lips, small eyes, tousled hair- grins at her and Gwiboon thinks that she has never seen a smile quite as bright as his.
"No, Lee Jinki."
Lee Jinki is rich, funny, clumsy and extremely gentle. It's something Gwiboon has never had in her life, gentleness. And every time he brushes his thumb over her cheeks she can't help the longing for more more more of it.
It starts with the question; "Do you want to eat dinner?"
And out of one dinner it becomes two, three, five, eight of them and Gwiboon feels as if she is the luckiest person on earth. Jinki treasures her, treasures her baby, loves her, lives for her and it's so much that Gwiboon thinks that she is not worth it. Jinki is like the medicine she always needed, someone that makes her smile and feel as if she really has a place on this planet.
He is her safety, someone to hold on to and since the day she has met him she thinks she will maybe be able to get her life under control.
***
You still love him, maybe even more than before but you are not blind anymore. You see that he is not the safety you need, you know that he is just as restless as you are. You see that he could be a little bit more careful about life, you begin to register that he is not perfect. But because you love him you won't let go, because you love him you can oversee his faults, because you are not perfect either. And can think of as of someone you will love for a long time and before you know it slips and you whisper 'I love you' and the next day he is not there anymore.
***
Jonghyun appears like he disappeared, without any warning and without any reason. He stands in front of her apartment complex, leaning against a wall and Gwiboon pointedly ignores him as she rushes past him into the hallway and up to her apartment. She can hear him following her, but she ignores all the calls, the feet running after her and rushes into her apartment, slamming the door shut behind her.
For a moment she thinks she can relax, breathe in, breathe out but when she leans against the door, it's not closed and when she looks down there is Jonghyun's foot in the door, preventing it from being shut. She sees the door fly open, steps back looks at Jonghyun in all his -big eyes, sharp jaw, full lips, spiky hair, strong arms- glory. She tries to cross her arms over her chest a defence but Jonghyun is faster grabs her wrists, spins them around, pins her against the now closed door.
Kissing Jonghyun is like being high. A feeling of sparkles and fire and forgetting everything around. His lips are soft and chapped and rough and tender and he runs his tongue over Gwiboons lips, bites them, sucks on them and Gwiboon can't help but give in, whimpering slightly, kissing back. She thinks no, but does yes and fuck, that's not what she wants.
It takes her exactly five seconds to be able to think again and she pushes against Jonghyun's grip, squeals, bites hard and kicks around and then finally Jonghyun lets go, thumb stroking the bleeding part of his bottom lip as he stares at Gwiboon. Gwiboon stares back, challenging, angry, and furious, Jonghyun can see it and he licks his lips as he steps closer again. But Gwiboon won't have it and with a war-cry she jumps at him, hits him, kicks him, cries and screams until Jonghyun has got her in his arms, thrown over his shoulder as he carries the screaming girl to her mattress.
Jonghyun can still feel her struggling as he has her pinned, ravaging her mouth, but he can also feel her respond, leaning into the kiss, opening her mouth for him. Jonghyun fights her scarf, groans when he gets it off, kissing, sucking, biting her beautiful, slender, pale neck. Then his hands travel all over her body, pressing into her sides and he ignores Gwiboon's don’ts and her fighting when he slowly opens her jacket. He kisses her again, feels her trembling but he doesn't really register anything as he runs his hands over her beautiful body, over her plush breasts over her stomach... and then he freezes.
He doesn't do anything, doesn't move, doesn't look anywhere and he feels his body being kicked away and he is too weak to react. He sees Gwiboon curling into herself, sobbing and shaking as she hides her face in her pillow. He just looks at his hands at Gwiboon and then at her stomach, her slightly round stomach. Jonghyun knows that it's not round because she gained weight.
"How long?" he whispers, voice shaking and eyes transfixed on Gwiboon's exposed belly.
"Five months."
Hours pass and they spend them in silence, Jonghyun leaning sitting against a wall as he smokes one cigarette after another and Gwiboon lies in her mattress, shaking and crying silently. Only when Jonghyun has finished his third and last pack he hears that Gwiboon's breathing has calmed down and he presses his last cigarette into his ashtray, pushes himself up and walks out of the apartment.
***
You wait for three days but he doesn't come back and then you think it's enough, you shouldn't be this helpless because of some guy. You pack your things and go. You take trains and ask people to take you for a ride and its two weeks later when you arrive that you are glad that you have a brother like Kibum, because he is in your apartment and takes you in his arms and you think you are finally home again. And you don't even shed a tear.
***
When Gwiboon wakes up Kibum is there, cooking soup and humming and Gwiboon feels like home. She rubs her eyes, runs a hand through her hair and smiles when Kibum looks at her. Kibum smiles back crawls over to her and envelopes her in a hug, kissing her forehead as he rocks her back and forth. Gwiboon relaxes into his touch, but she doesn't cry anymore.
"Did something happen, sweetie?" Kibum whispers and Gwiboon smiles, despite herself. She shakes her head and even if Kibum knows it's not true he doesn't ask further.
***
When Jinki steps into the dark one room apartment there is no hint of judgement on his face just the small glimmer of understanding crossing his features as he sits down on the mattress in the middle of the room. Even when he meets KIbum he is not freaking out and Gwiboon thinks that makes Jinki, who grew up in wealth really awesome.
They talk and laugh and drink coffee and cuddle on Gwiboon's mattress, the girl sitting between Kibum and Jinki. And it's the best evening in Gwiboon's life so far.
Later, long after Kibum and Jinki have kissed her goodbye and when she is on the verge of falling asleep on her mattress she hears a knock on the door. She shifts, moans and pushes herself out of bed too open it.
"Kibuuum whatdayawan?" she mumbles as she leans against the cold wood of the door, eyes half closed. But then she hears a chuckle that definitely does not sound like Kibum and in seconds she is awake and trying to close the door again, but of course it won't work.
"Jonghyun! What the fuck do you think you are doing here?!" She hisses at the dark shadow standing in front of her and Jonghyun says nothing, pushes her back into the apartment until the door closes behind him.
They stare at each other and Gwiboon can only see the glint in his eyes in the darkness and it fills her with so much rage that she slaps him, hard and with a cry, right across the face. Jonghyun doesn't fight back and doesn't move and then suddenly he envelops Gwiboon in a hug, squeezes her and lets his nose brush against her neck.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, his breath tickling her neck and Gwiboon is not sure if she hears that right. "I was just... I was so extremely scared. You know me, I'm not someone who is fit to be a dad and now...," his breath hitches, "now there is a baby."
Gwiboon lets out a shaky breath, eyes blinking anf ighting back the tears, she has cried enough she thinks. But then she feels Jonghyun's tears and feels him trembling against her and then she trembles too.
"The only thing I know. Is that I love you, I love you so much, and there is no way I'm going to leave you alone with the baby, my baby."
This time when Jonghyun guides her into the mattress they don't fuck, they don't have sex, no they make love and it's so beautiful in the way that Jonghyun caresses her belly and rains butterfly kisses over her stomach that Gwiboon's heart starts to ache. And maybe there is hope that it can be like before.
***
You know you are stuck between what you want and what you need. You are too young to be thinking about what happens in the future but you have to because you will have a baby. You think that you deserve to be selfish with all that shit that has been going on and the baby is selfish too, otherwise you wouldn't be pregnant now. You think about what your baby would say, you imagine what it would decide for and you think it's the worst decision you ever had to make.
***
"I met someone," Gwiboon whispers into the dark. Her head is leaning on Jonghyun's chest and she can hear his heartbeat, steady and loud. Jonghyun hums to signalize that he is listening and Gwiboon continues.
"He's nice and gentle and funny. And he's rich."
Jonghyun stiffens at that and Gwiboon feels his head turn and his heart beat faster.
"I got to know him at my workplace and oh, god. He is crazy for me and the kid."
Jonghyun's grip tightens on her, his breath coming out ragged and a few moments pass in silence before Jonghyun's voice echoes through the room, raspy and hoarse.
"Do you love him?"
The question makes Gwiboon's breath hitch and her hand ball into fists as she grits her teeth and closes her eyes.
"I do," she mumbles, because she can't bring herself to say it louder. She feels Jonghyun nod and chooses to ignore the dampness seeping through her thick hair.
When she wakes up the next morning and there is no Jonghyun she knows that she's done the right decision.
***
Jinki asks her to move in exactly two weeks after Jonghyun has disappeared again. Jinki knows about Jonghyun, know about how Gwiboon used to work as prostitute, knows about the drugs and about the many men and still he asks her. She accepts with a wide grin on her face and she hopes that Jinki is not able to see the slight sadness in the corners of her mouth and the traces of fear in the creases of her eyes.
But Jinki is just as blind with love as Gwiboon used to be and is all happiness and big grins as he leans his ear against Gwiboon's belly. Gwiboon takes care of the household and goes shopping and is careful and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in her gut. And it's only after living with Jinki for about two months that she notices he is more in love with the idea of having a child than with her.
***
Everything is new and sparkling and so unfamiliar. You are surrounded by new people and by new rules and you can't just say or do what is on your mind, no you have to be careful. You have to hide who you are because it would hurt Jinki's reputation and you can't even see your brother anymore and you think that maybe you misinterpreted Jinki's behaviour before.
***
It's one of those rare occasions that Kibum visits and they cuddle on Gwiboons king-sized bed while Jinki is working and Gwiboon can't help the bitterness in her face.
"You're not really happy," Kibum states and Gwiboon knows better than to deny it. She sighs and rests her head on Kibum's shoulder.
"I feel like a motherfucking caged bird."
Kibum laughs at that.
***
You have been wondering for a while now why you have not developed any motherly feelings for the baby. You are not happy when it kicks against your belly and you don't have to constantly think about what the baby would look like. In fact you just wonder when the stupid thing will finally leave your belly. You blame it on being too young to be a mother.
***
Gwiboon is nine months pregnant and cooking dinner for Jinki who is half asleep on the kitchen table when Jonghyun decides to show up again.
He is drunk, Gwiboon can tell as soon as she opens the door. Of course she is as unsuccessful as always when she tries to close the door before him and Jonghyun is stepping into the apartment, pupils blown and hands fisted. Gwiboon steps back into the kitchen and shakes Jinki awake and when he notices Jonghyun he jumps up and stands in front of her.
Gwiboon places a hand on Jinki's shoulder and Jinki looks at her, concerned and shocked and confused.
"Jinki, meet Jonghyun." she whispers, motioning with a nick of her head towards Jonghyun who is standing in the kitchen now, glaring daggers at the two.
"So thisis ur new lova huh?!" Jonghyun slurs, taking a step forward and Jinki presses a hand protectively on Gwiboons belly, pushing her back.
"Bet he's some great guy, all richand so. Bet he sucks in bed." Jonghyun continues and Jinki clearly stiffens.
"Bet he mustsuck badass when you haveto fuck m-"
"Jonghyun!"
"-e while ur already withim."
Gwiboon steps forward, pushes Jonghyun back and glares at him.
"Shut the fuck up Jonghyun."
But Jonghyun doesn't even listen anymore.
"Bet one dick is not enough for someone like you, bet you like having cocks sticking into you everywhere-" He takes Gwiboons collar and pulls her closer and then Jinki steps in and pulls her back behind him.
"oh, ur knight in shining armour, riht Gwiboon? The one you don't love because, Gwiboon. Baby, I know when you lie. Oh I know so much about you for example when I kiss yo-"
"Shut up!"
"-o behind your ear, or the way you moan when I fuck you really rea-"
"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!"
"-lly hard and-"
"Shut up"! Shu-"
"Stop!" Jinki screams and he shoots Gwiboon a glance as she is shaking her head while holding both her hands over her ears, and then he is suddenly pressed against the kitchen counter by Jonghyun. He can't see Gwiboon anymore but he hears her scream and then he sees something sharp and silver and he closes his eyes and waits.
He waits and he hears a scream and he is shivering and spluttering as he moves his hands down to feels something wet and sticky. And then he opens his eyes and he sees Jonghyun stepping back, shocked and hurt and so much more as he lets his knife fall to the ground and then Jinki looks down and Gwiboon is lying on the ground in front of him, panting and crying and she is pressing a hand stained in red onto her stomach. And that's when Jinki registers what has happened and he screams.
***
There is that feeling you have when you are standing between the man you think you want and the man you think you need and both of them look at you as if they want and need you so badly and they despise you for it because they want you to belong to them, but you don't and you feel like you are obliged to them and then you stand there and you throw yourself in front of them to protect them and you do everything you can do to make them feel better and the only thing you can think about them them them and then suddenly you are lying on the ground, bleeding and panting and in so much pain and you just think; what about me?
***
"You sure, you wanna do this?"
Kibum snips his cigarette onto the ground and steps on it. Gwiboon smiles at him and then he hugs him, tightly, tighter because she knows she won't see him for some time now.
"I am." she whispers, one hand tracing over her stomach and even though there is the thin layer of her dress over it she can feel the thick scar from her navel up to the middle of her stomach. Kibum strokes her hair, pulls her tighter for a moment and then releases her.
Gwiboon runs her thumps over his cheeks to wipe the tears away and smiles again.
"You know that I need this."
Kibum nods and they hear the ship honking and Kibum pulls himself together, kisses her on the cheek and then hits her on the ass.
"Off with you sweetie and if you don't write me I'll come kill you properly this time."
And Gwiboon laughs, because that's how she is.
***
You feel the wind tousle your hair, hit your face and make your dress flutter around your legs. You think that you should probably feel depressed or at least sad but you don't and you think about Jonghyun and about Jinki and about the child you lost and you think it was a hard time but it's okay because you are still young. You look at the land you lived in for your whole life and you look at Kibum and it's funny how it doesn't hurt one bit to let go. You turn around and never look back.
*
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- I apologize for grammar/spelling mistakes english is not my native language.
unbeta-ed as fuck cause I didn't have the nerve to go through it again -.-'
fuck LJ for changing the fucking formating shit urg it's all ugly now -.-
My first time writing smth hetero.
Comments encourage so they are ♥