Today it's my turn to die [Prologue]
Prologue
Kibum has tried to kill himself the sixtieth time now. He knows because he keeps a check list on his upper arm, one short tattooed line for each death.
It’s not like he is too stupid or something, it’s pretty unlikely that someone normal wouldn’t be dead after the sixtieth try. It’s more like Kibum is immortal, or that’s what he thinks.
He tried jumping from a roof, sleeping pills, slicing his wrists open, jumping in front of a train and a car, he tried it with a gun and a knife (that was really painful), drowning himself, burning (he would never ever try that again, he swears) and everything that came to his creative mind.
He has tried it so many times and it has been so long since he started trying that he doesn’t even know why he did it the first time (that’s actually a lie, but he likes to pretend he forgot). It’s just become kind of a hobby.
After he’s died he wakes up, always a few days, or weeks or months or years later, always the same age, always in a mortuary of some sort, always alone and always with the goal to try it again. He makes plans and even finds some kind of fun in imagining in how many different ways he could die, because he knows he will survive.
It’s funny how he should have gotten tired after a sixty times, but he doesn’t, no, the thought of death becomes more and more appealing each time.
He has no one to leave behind, no connection to this world anymore. His family, his friends he has no connection to them and Kibum doesn’t even know for how long he’s lived already, he forgot. 60 years? Maybe 80? He doesn’t really care.
The first thing he remembers when he wakes up is that he was strangled by the violent husband of a woman he’s had an affair with. He grins and runs a hand through his hair. Urg, it’s sticky.
Bad thing number one about waking up after each death:
He wakes up and feels as if hadn’t had a shower in forever. Okay, maybe that’s because he really hasn’t had a shower in forever and it’s disgusting.
Kibum opens his eyes and is surrounded by blackness, nothing surprising, really. He’s had to climb out of a coffin that was buried in a graveyard before (that was one hell of a work). He’s lucky that he’s a little bit stronger than normal humans (that’s what he guessed after he managed to rip the coffin’s lid open and dug his way up to the air).
Anyway, the blackness is nothing surprising and he can even guess where he is by the coldness all around him.
Bad thing number two about waking up after each death:
Some years ago they started using those metal-freezing coffins (Kibum has no idea how they are called but he saw them in TV some time) for people who have no one that really cares about a funeral. They lock you into that freezer so that your body won’t rot and when they think enough time has passed, they burn your corp. Kibum has had to wake up while he was burning once, that was not funny.
Kibum thinks it’s really great that they take enough care of his body, so that he won’t look like a heap of compote, but the bad thing about those freezers is 1) Kibum is freezing, 2) he can’t get out without help from outside.
Kibum wriggles his toes and wills his muscles to work, even if there is nearly no space for his body to move. He angles his knees as much as he can (and that’s really not much) and kicks against what he guesses is the opening (it looks like it) with as much force as he can muster.
He kicks again and again and he starts sweating, what’s really annoying because it’s cold and that makes everything kind of colder. But he wants to get out and he is beginning to feel claustrophobic, because fuck, he can’t even move his arms! But then he hears a scream from outside and he feels the door shift and the thing he is lying on slowly starts to move out.
The first part of his body that gets to feel the air of a new time he’s in are his feet, he sees how he slowly gets pulled out until he is lying in a bright room. It’s too bright and Kibum groans a little bit as he squeezes his eyes shut only to open them again. He repeats that until he is used to the light, he must look stupid.
He groans again because his whole body feels sore and he leans up and puts his weight on his elbows to have a good look around.
Bad thing number three about waking up after each death:
He’s always, really, always butt naked. He’s lucky that there is a blanket covering the private area, but he really doesn’t want to know how many people have seen him naked this time.
Kibum stretches his limps and his arms and sits up straight. He turns his upper body a few times and releases his neck from its tension. Then he looks around again.
Bad thing number four about waking up after each death:
Since they invented those freezer-coffins, Kibum’s needed help from outside to get out and well, this help from outside always needs a bit of explaining, so that they won’t jump him because of fear.
He remembers that one woman that started screaming like some lunatic and threw everything that was within reach at him. He had to knock her over, steal some of her clothes (that day he looked really pathetic) and run away.
There is a guy (the one that has probably pulled him out) standing a few meters away from him. He has chubby cheeks and small eyes, full lips and a curled mop of brown hair on his head. He’s not that ugly, actually. Black rimmed glasses adorn his panic stricken face and Kibum can see him trembling from where he is sitting,
The guy looks like he’s seen a ghost, and Kibum laughs at his own thought because, he must seem like a ghost to that guy. His small eyes are wide open and they look confused and shocked and he looks like he’s about to faint, but he has a scalpel in his hands and that’s dangerous.
Kibum’s is not one to be scared of something like that, but he’s just woken up again and he doesn’t feel like already dying again. He frowns and stifles a yawn, before he makes himself comfortable on the cold metal he’s sitting on. He crosses his legs and makes sure to keep everything covered, leaning on the palms of his hands and looking at the guy with a bored expression.
He has already handled four guys with scalpels.
“I would put that away.” He says and his voice is as raspy as always. He nods his head into the guy’s direction, motioning for the scalpel.
“It could get dangerous.”
Kibum knows that the guy knows that he doesn’t mean it could get dangerous for himself and the guy gulps, hesitates for a moment, but puts the sharp item down on a table next to him.
“I’m Kim Kibum. Yes, I’m alive, though I was dead just a few minutes ago. No I don’t know why and I won’t do anything to you as long as you won’t either.”
Kibum can read the questions right off the guy’s face and it’s not like hasn’t had to answer them before, he has enough experience. He leans forward, his elbows propped up on his knees and his chin resting on his hands. The guy takes a step back and Kibum narrows his eyes.
“You don’t have to be so scared. I know it’s kind of unusual that there is some dead person waking up again, but like I told you I’m not here to hurt anyone.”
The guy still looks scared as shit and Kibum rolls his eyes, scoffs and crosses his arms.
“If you don’t believe me go fu-“
“Lee Jinki!” the guy cries out and Kibum stops in his sentence to look at the flustered person in front of him.
“I’m Lee Jinki, I take care of… uhm… the bodies here.”
Kibum resists the urge to roll his eyes again, this guy seems dense.
“No shit Sherlock.” Kibum spats instead and Jinki cringes, his face flushing in an even deeper shade of red. Kibum has to laugh a little bit because he suddenly has to think about the red, fresh tomatoes he had to pick when he worked as a farmer once.
“And if it’s your job to take care of the bodies here… can’t you like, get me something to wear? It’s cold and I’m not really happy with your services so far.”
Jinki nods, his fingers fiddling with the hem of his white coat. “I-I’ll get something for you.”
And with that he’s off.
***
With the many times Kibum woke up after being dead he’s had a fare share of people that experienced him waking up again.
There was this guy once -that was the time when Kibum had to climb out of the coffin, buried in a graveyard- who screamed like a little girl when Kibum’s hand finally came through the ground and tasted air. Kibum crawled out of the dirt that time and he must have looked really shitty because the guy was running around and screaming: “Zombie! Zombie!” the people must have mocked him even years after that.
There was also that woman, who thought that a guy waking up after he has died because he’s had too many sleeping pills was sexy. She practically attacked him with kisses and if Kibum would have been in his right mind that time he would have pushed her away immediately. But he wasn’t and he only realised that she had some seriously disgusting teeth when it was too late.
There was the one who pissed in his pants and the one who flung his hot coffee at him, the one who wanted to do experiments with him an the one that invited him into a cult.
Jinki, Kibum thinks, is one of the most normal ones.
***
When Jinki returns, Kibum is sitting on one of the many tables in the mortuary, drinking water out of a measuring cup and reading the a paper he must have found somewhere.
“So, June 2011?” Kibum says without looking up. Jinki nods, but then he remembers Kibum’s not looking and says: “Uhm yeah. It’s June, 28 year 2011”
Kibum nods slowly and then he throws the paper away, he looks up at Jinki and grins when he sees the clothes and a mug, filled with something hot in his hands.
“Has something special happened in the last moth? It was May when I died right?” Kibum asks and he takes the clothes from Jinki and puts them beside him to grab the cup of what he identifies as hot coffee.
“Uhm, yes. May 12th... I think.”
Kibum stares at Jinki as the other nervously looks at everything except him.
“So… has anything new happened?”
Jinki shrugs and leans against the table next to Kibum, who his taking small sips from his coffee.
“Uhm… Obama’s still president and Osama is still dead?”
Kibum chuckles softly.
Jinki nods and an awkward silence stretches. Jinki is shifting beside Kibum and Kibum is trying to ignore him as much as possible as he drinks the disgusting hot drink in his hands. When he’s finished and too annoyed by Jinki’s awkwardness, even if that guy seems to be pretty nice, he stands up and looks at what kind of clothes Jinki has gotten him. They are not great but they’ll do until Kibum has the money to buy new ones. He looks at Jinki, who is now staring at him. Jinki flushes again and quickly looks away.
Kibum smirks and takes the first piece of clothing out of the pile.
“I don’t really care if you look; you’ve seen me naked anyway.” He says as he slips a t-shirt on, then underwear, then pants.
Jinki has the manners not to look even if Kibum allowed him to and when Kibum is finished he hits the table in front of him loudly and Jinki spins around.
“I gotta go. See ya some time.” Kibum says, with his trademark grin plastered on his face. Jinki flushes again and tries to stutter a response, but Kibum just absently waves a hand over his back as he walks out and Jinki has no time to say anything.
***
As far as Kibum can remember he was exactly twenty-one years, four months and three days old when he killed himself for the first time.
The funny thing is that he doesn’t really know, or at least doesn’t really understand why he did it, but he remembers exactly how it felt. He also remembers exactly how the train station looked and the faces of the people that had tried to rescue him.
He was young and frustrated, because his family had cast him out, when he told them he was (is) gay. There was no one that accepted him anymore and he felt alone and lost and that was when he decided to kill himself.
Kibum now thinks that it was a pretty stupid idea because he still is lonely and lost, but that’s no reason for him to commit suicide anymore.
Through all those years of dying and waking up again Kibum has learned a lot about himself. He learned that he is not gay, but bi and that he has a certain charm that -especially since ten years ago- became quite useful. He learned the ways of living, he learned how to read people and he learned how to make them do what he wanted them to and he learned, of course, the many different ways of committing suicide (he even had a blog where he wrote instructions).
All in all, he thinks that even if the thought of never being able to really die makes him a little bit restless, he thinks he handles the situation pretty well.
***
“I don’t get it,” Kibum says, coffee mug in his hands and freshly showered; Jinki doesn’t even want to know how he managed to do that without an apartment. “I buried all the money I’ve saved over the years in a park and there is no park, but a fucking building lot!”
Kibum’s voice is an octave higher now. Jinki sighs.
“Uhm why are you here again?” he asks as he covers the corpse of a woman that drowned some days ago, not really a great sight.
Kibum scoffs, swinging his legs from where he is sitting on a table. For someone who has neither an identity, nor money, nor an apartment, nor anything else to hold on to he seems rather calm. But then again he sounds like a strangled pig as soon as he opens his mouth.
“I don’t have any other place to go to. I even had the papers for my apartment and my new ID buried there!”
Jinki doesn’t respond and pushes the metal coffin the bog body is lying on closed. He hopes this one doesn’t come back to life.
Kibum continues blabbering in his high pitched tone, but Jinki is not listening anymore, he’s too tired to care.
“… I think I have to move in with you.” Kibum finishes his banter and suddenly Jinki’s senses awake again.
“Wait, what?”
Kibum looks at him as if he’s dumb and then slowly and loudly repeats himself: “I AAAAM GOOOIIING TOOOO MOOOVE IN WITH YOUUU!”
Jinki wants to smack him in the face, but doesn’t, instead he flushes stupidly (he hates his own face) and opens his mouth to say something, but Kibum interrupts rudely again.
“Yes I’m serious Jinki.”
Jinki shakes his head, his bangs covering his eyes.
“N-no! No way Kibum! There’s no way tha… that you can live with me!” he stutters (Jinki hates his tongue too, or whatever it is that causes him to stutter when he is flustered or nervous or excited or agitated).
Kibum rolls his eyes and jumps down from the table.
“Oh, of course I can Jinki.” He says as if he is explaining something to an elementary school kid and that’s seriously not fair because Jinki was the 2nd best from his grade in high school!
“Oh, no you cannot! I-I mean… look at you! You are a… a…-“
“Mummy?” Kibum helpfully offers. Jinki shakes his head.
“No, more like a zombie, but that’s not what matters! You just woke up after a month of being dead and expect me to accept that and … and you are a total stranger and you want me to trust you and let you live in my apartment?”
Kibum shrugs and crosses his arms.
“Why not? I can cook.”
Jinki thinks that this changes the situation.
“Uhm…Are you also good at cleaning?”
Kibum grins.
***
Kibum has had to do a lot of strange things to get by somehow. From prostitution to licking someone’s feet every night, he did a lot of things and cooking and cleaning was really no problem at all. Or that’s what he thought before he entered Jinki’s apartment.
Kibum is sitting in the kitchen (or the room Kibum has dubbed garbage room number two, number one is the hallway, followed by the living room, bathroom and the bedrooms) together with Jinki and Jonghyun, Jinki’s roommate (“Jonghyun I’m hooooome!” , “Oh you have a dog?”, “No that’s my roommate.” -and the funny thing is: Jonghyun really resembles a dog).
Kibum is shifting around, because he feels really, really, really uncomfortable. He hates dirt and unclean apartments and this is the hell’s hell for him. It’s not an apartment but a landfill and he wonders how those two can survive here (while he looks at the flies swirling above them).
“A-are you guys compulsive hoarders?” Kibum asks and he is stuttering and that’s something really unusual, he has to be really, extremely shocked so that he does that.
Jinki looks at him with big eyes and Jonghyun scoffs. “Not everyone has the time to clean all the time.”
Kibum has only known him for ten minutes now and that’s the first thing Jonghyun’s said (aside from “Hi, I’m Jonghyun.”) and Kibum already doesn’t like him. That guy is oozing unnatural self-confidence and cockiness, to a level that Kibum can’t stand. And he’s small.
Clean all the time? Kibum wants to scream. This looks like you haven’t cleaned since the day you stepped into this apartment! There are pack rats that are less messy than you! (and Kibum knows because he’s housed in a supposedly alive, but in reality dead pack rat’s apartment), but he doesn’t and takes a deep breath (and immediately regrets it because it stinks) and then breathes out.
“You two’ve got one hour to rescue the things that are important to you and then you’re gonna disappear for six hours. I’ll count to five.” Kibum closes his eyes.
“One.”
“Wait what?!”
“Motherfu-“
“Two.”
“Fu-“
“Three.”
“-you! Who do you thi-“
“Four.”
“Come on, Jjong let’s just-“
“Five.”
Kibum gives them one more second before he opens his eyes again and garbage room number two is empty.
*
TBC
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- I apologize for grammar/spelling mistakes english is not my native language.
also, since the chapters will be long for me (with a dealine of at least 5000 w.)
it will probably take a while for me to update, since I'm a slow writer. Comments encourage so they are ♥