Life is beautiful - Jongyu [1/1]
Life is beautiful | Jongyu | pg-15 | 1300+
au, angst, | unbeta-ed, suicide issues, violence | promt used: quote
note: Witten for the 14th shawol_haven challenge. I really didn't want to participate AGAIN... but there was this request for a Jongtae suicide fic but it ended up like this and not like the request wanted it to and it kind of fit for the quote and yeah I changed it to Jongyu cause I like Jongyu more >.<... so here I am again. (after my really sort hiatus.....-.-")
Life is beautiful.
Jinki thinks that it’s worthless.
It’s as worthless as going to school, or going home, or doing anything else. He doesn’t really know why he thinks it’s worthless. Or maybe he knows.
Yes, deep inside he knows that it’s the bastard of a father sitting at home, drinking himself senseless and beating the life out of Jinki nearly everyday that makes him think like that. Deep inside he knows that when there is a person telling you every fucking horribly painful day that you are ‘worthless shit’ you slowly start to believe it, you start believing that you shouldn’t have been born and that everything you do makes no sense because… well, you’re worthless.
So yes, maybe it’s kind of understandable why Jinki thinks it’s worthless that the new kid -Jonghyun- tries to talk to him. Seriously, it’s like he doesn’t understand the people telling him to leave Jinki the fuck alone, or like he doesn’t understand Jinki telling him to leave him alone and it’s irritating.
“Come on, Jinkiiii! Just once.” Jonghyun is looking up from where he lays his head on Jinki’s desk, making his best puppy-face. It’s ridiculous.
“Just smile. Please?”
Jinki rolls his eyes; it’s the sixth time today and the thirtieth time this week that Jonghyun bothers him with that. Jinki stands up, swings his backpack over his shoulders and walks out of the classroom.
Jonghyun pouts.
*
It feels like being beaten up.
Well, it feels like that because he is being beaten up. But what makes it worse and hurt even more than being beaten up by some random classmates -and Jinki knows how that feels, really- is that it is his father beating him up and with every hit landing in his face or his stomach or somewhere else on his body his heart feels like it’s being stabbed by thousands of needles.
It’s kind of different tonight. Tonight his father doesn’t care if people can see the bruises the next day, tonight he is more brutal, angrier and tonight he is crying.
Why? He screams. Why did you kill her? And Jinki would like to answer. He would like to apologize, over and over again. Say that he misses her too; say that she wouldn’t want him to be so sad. But his mouth hurts too much and his father wouldn’t be listening anyway.
He just shuts up and doesn’t cry and doesn’t scream while his bones crack and his skin rips and blood floods his mouth, he just waits.
*
Jinki doesn’t go to school for a week. It’s not because he can’t bear the pain, no there were times when it hurt more; it’s that he doesn’t want people to notice.
He is just too scared of what would happen if they did, so he stays home and tends his wounds and hides in his room so that he won’t be beaten again, so that he will be fit enough when the next beating comes.
When he goes to school again, he actually forgot about the new boy and about how he is always bothering him and he nearly forgets to roll his eyes, because he is too shocked when Jonghyun comes jumping out of a corner, looking all concerned and worried as he fusses over Jinki.
“I’m okay.” Jinki says and instead of going into the classroom, he takes the steps, further and further, ignoring the big, sad eyes burning holes into his back.
*
It’s dizzying. The height and the wind and the thought of the end. Jinki looks down from where he is standing on the edge of the school’s roof. He is looking down, but doesn’t really see anything. There are only images blurring his vision, making him remember why exactly he is so worthless, why he should stop being there. Someone worthless shouldn’t be existing after all.
He is looking down and thinking and thinking and remembering. There’s no next time. It’s now or never, he tells himself, but his feet just don’t move, they just won’t and it makes Jinki really, really frustrated because he just really wants to die. The frustration drives tears into his eyes and then he is sobbing and hiccupping and crying as he tries to force his feet to move, to just jump or take one step more.
His tears are running down his cheeks and his nose and then they fly down, down down down to the ground where Jinki would like to be lying right now, dead and in peace.
Jinki clenches his fists, his body trembling as he fights against his own body, or mind or something and then he moves and Jinki thinks that finally, finally he won, but then he notices that he is not falling forward, but backwards right against something warm and sturdy, something that feels like he could hold on to it.
Jinki gasps and for a moment he is frozen, until his mind starts to work again and he feels that it’s arms wrapped around him and a chest, muscular and broad he is leaning on. He can feel a heartbeat right on his back, fast, just as fast as his own and then he feels small puffs of air against his ears, hot and ticklish.
It takes another two seconds for Jinki to realize what exactly is going on before he turns around, using all of the force his weak body can muster to shove the boy that was standing behind him away.
He blinks his tears away and looks right into the boy’s shocked face and if this weren’t kind of a dramatic scene right now and if Jinki’s eyes wouldn’t be hurting from crying he would have liked to roll his eyes again, because it’s Jonghyun. Of course it’s Jonghyun, who else would care to bother Jinki in this kind of a situation?
“What the fuck is your fucking problem?!” Jinki screams and the stupid tears come again, and his voice is betraying him because it cracks and it makes Jinki even angrier.
“Who do you think you are, interfering like that? Huh?! Why the hell can’t you leave me fucking alone like everyone else does?! Why the fuck do you bother me all the time?! I fucking wanted to die! I was just about to end it, just end it and even now you think you have the right to... to… just….AAAAAAH!” He screams and he kicks everything around him and he cries until he is tired and slumps to the ground, his body shaking violently and his throat aching, because he never uses his voice so much.
He nearly forgets about Jonghyun, he nearly forgets that there was a boy, a stranger that saw him in one of his most vulnerable moments, that there was a person that knew more about him than he ever wanted anyone to know.
But then there are those arms again and the warmness that envelops him and he calms down, what is strange because he really doesn’t want to calm down and he certainly doesn’t want Jonghyun to hug him, he is just too drenched to fight him now. And after just a few minutes he stops crying and his body stops trembling, only the pain in his throat and something deep inside of himself - Jinki guesses it’s his heart- remains.
Jonghyun is rocking Jinki back and forth and back and forth, shushing him in a caring, loving way Jinki has never experienced.
“I hate you.”
It’s just a whisper, because talking hurts too much, but he is sure Jonghyun must have heard, because the other boy is chuckling -not the reaction Jinki wanted to have, but he expected it- and it’s a sweet, melodic sound.
“I know, Jinki. But I don’t want to lose you, as much as you hate it, I like you and I’ll make you see that life is beautiful, I’ll make you feel alive, I promise.”
And even if Jinki likes to blame it on the exhaustion or the mental confusion, deep inside he knows it’s not because of that that he smiles. He smiles and thinks yes, there’s no next time. It’s now or never. And he seems to have missed his chance.
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I apologize for grammar/spelling mistakes english is not my native language.