Chapter Three

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He had been doing so well, even with making the trip to Vegas that Sam was honestly surprised when he woke up and felt as if all the energy drained out of him as he opened his eyes. This was going to be a bad day, but maybe he could just stay in bed and convince Cas to stay in and watch Star Wars with him. He didn’t even think it would be a hard sell. Sam looked over and saw that Cas’ side of the bed was empty.
When he woke up again, he saw Cas standing by the bed holding a mug.
“You do not seem to be feeling well today Sam.”
“I guess all the driving just caught up with me, nothing to worry about.”
“You do not have to camouflage your state for me as you do for Dean. Now drink this tea.”
“Dean may not have taught you how to drive, but you’ve got the bossy thing down.”
Cas didn’t reply just crossed his arms and stared at him. Sam sighed and gave Cas one of his best bitch faces. Cas remained unmoved. So Sam gave in and drank the tea. He handed the cup back to Cas and started to get out of bed.
“You should rest.”
Sam looked back at Cas and decided he wasn’t going to win that fight either and leaned back on the pillows. “I don’t want to rest and I’m sick of sleeping.”
What Sam didn’t tell Cas was that if he slept now then he would wake up after everyone else went to sleep. Then he would simply lay and stare at the ceiling, not wanting to wake the others while they slept. So all he would be able to do is think and that was never good. Depending on his state of mind he might think about The Cage, or how he had failed Dean or how much of the world was a mess now and it might have been better if he finished the trials.
If he was feeling particularly morose he would think about what his life would be like with Jessica right now if he hadn’t gotten her killed. Cas must have sensed his unhappiness because he touched Sam’s foot lightly, even though it was cocooned in blankets.
“I shall return shortly Sam Winchester.”
Sam was going to get up and take a shower, but he must have fallen asleep because when he opened his eyes again, Cas had returned with several bags.
“What have you been doing?”
“Shopping.”
“You don’t have any money.”
“One of the shopkeepers explained to me that I could charge it all to the room.”
Sam bit his lip to keep from groaning. He was going to have to give Charlie a call and see if she could work her magic on the charges.
“So what did you get?” Sam asked, seeing white terrycloth at the top of one of the bags that Cas had placed on the foot of the bed.
“It occurred to me on my way to the Cinnabon that no one had properly celebrated your birthday.”
“How did you know it was my birthday?”
“I know many things about you Sam Winchester. I know when Charlie comes for dinner you always wear your dark blue plaid shirt because she said she liked it. You also believe that it-“
“Cas, really my birthday’s no big deal. I hope you didn’t go to any trouble.”
“I have seen several groups of people since we have arrived here seeming to greatly enjoying their birthday. I have balloons and cake. Most of the men your age were accompanied by beautiful women, but since we do not know any women here I hope you do not mind just having Kevin and I for company.”
“No, that’s fine, Cas, perfect as a matter of fact,” Sam said, grateful that they had dodged that particular bullet. He could imagine trying to explain to the Las Vegas police department that Cas didn’t really understand about prostitutes. He could just imagine Cas telling some unsuspecting female officer what he had learned from the Pizza Man. Jody Mills would probably leave him to his fate and how would he ever explain what happened when Dean got back.
“Are you alright Sam?”
“Yeah, Cas I was just thinking about something.”
“It must have been most unpleasant from the expression on your face.”
Sam decided to steer the conversation in another direction.
“So, what’s in the bags?”
“You cannot fool me Sam Winchester. I have researched birthday customs and they are supposed to be a surprise.”
“Ok, well. I’m going to go and get a shower.” Sam got out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. “Don’t go anywhere.”
“I shall be here when you return.”

Sam went into the bathroom before realizing that he had left the small bag that they used for bathroom stuff in his duffle. Looking around the bathroom he decided he really didn’t need it. This bathroom had everything that he could think of. He was surprised to find that he fit into the bathtub which was really more of a jacuzzi. After examining all of the tiny bottles he decided on a bubble bath. Dean wasn’t here to tease him about his “girly tendencies”. Besides he must have been about 14 the last time he fit into a hotel bathtub. He didn’t want to admit it even to himself, but he wasn’t sure he could stay upright long enough to wash everything. He got undressed and slipped into the jacuzzi tub. He hit the button and the massage jets began making little waves. Sam decided he wasn’t leaving this tub until all the hot water ran out.

Cas meanwhile was busy unpacking the bags that he had filled with birthday surprises for Sam. He had never told either of the Winchesters but when he had shifted Sam’s hallucinations of Lucifer he had acquired some of Sam’s memories as well. He had been surprised that Sam had only a few birthday memories and two of those had not included Dean. He could not take many cues from the birthday that Sam had shared with Jessica were highly personal and the only clue he got from the birthday that Sam had shared with Amelia was cake. Chocolate did not seem right though, he knew that Sam was not overly fond of sweets, unlike Dean, so after much discussion with a lovely young lady at the Cheesecake Factory he had returned with the perfect dessert. He had also gotten several salads because he was unable to choose which Sam would like. Through his research, which was mostly talking to Kevin and the hotel staff, Cas determined that birthdays were about more than food. They also involved presents. In this area he had much more confidence. Once he had realized that there was more to it than simply wrapping ordinary items in festive paper. The gifts needed to reflect the person’s interests or something that reinforced an event that the person giving the gift and the person receiving it had shared. The first had been easy. With all of the extra Sam memories that he had, Cas had known just what to get.
Once he had wrapped most of the gifts he saw that it was almost two p.m. He still found the human way of marking time confusing, but it seemed to him that Sam should have been out of the bathroom by now. Besides the lunch he had arranged should be arriving at any moment. He went to the closed door to the bathroom and knocked. “Sam?”
“Everything ok?” Sam replied.
“I was just concerned for your well being.”
Sam sighed. The tone of Cas’ voice was familiar. He had heard that same concern in Dean’s voice far too often. So as much as he would have liked to stay where he was he knew that he should go out there for Cas’ sake. He had just started to drain the tub when the door to the bathroom opened just a fraction. Sam was just about to remind Cas about boundaries when he saw Cas hang something on the doorknob before shutting the door again. Sam toweled off and then took a look at what Cas had hung on the door. Sam smiled as he slipped into the soft cashmere spa robe that Cas had left for him. He had never had anything that was so soft and warm. He even noticed his initials had been sewn on the breast pocket. He was so comfortable that he left his clothes that he had placed carefully on the counter right there.
Cas had pulled a small table into the center of the room. He was arranging the chairs when there was a knock on the door. Before Sam blinked, Cas was at the door. Normally he would have been embarrassed to be standing in a robe while someone delivered room service, but he was so relaxed and comfortable that for once he just didn’t give a damn.
Sam approached the table as Cas shut the door and they were alone again. Before Sam could sit down, Cas pulled out the chair for him. Sam considered correcting the former angel, but just decided to let it go. Maybe that should be his motto while he was in Vegas, just let it go.
“I thought that perhaps since you were not feeling well that you would enjoy some soup. I understand that is traditional when-“
“Soup’s great Cas,” Sam said, hoping that it wasn’t chicken noodle. When he was little, that was all Dean knew how to make. Campbell’s Chicken Noodle. The smell of it made him queasy.
“I’m sorry it was not chicken noodle,” Cas said, obviously concerned that Sam would not approve of the soup.
Even though he had no interest in eating at all, he hadn’t in weeks, Sam wanted to change the look on Cas’ face and eating was the easiest way to do that. He tried a spoonful and was pleasantly surprised. “This is really good.”
“Lobster bisque.”
Even though his appetite had not returned. Sam found himself eating to the bottom of the bowl. He felt warmer and the relaxed feeling he had had earlier remained. He had also managed to erase the worried look on Cas’ face so it was a win all the way around.
“I also have a variety of salads.”
“Thanks, but I’m good for now.”
“Please come with me to the balcony.” Cas said,heading for the sliding glass doors without even looking back to see if Sam was following.
Sam had been thinking of going back to bed, but he followed Cas, hoping that whatever Cas wanted wouldn’t take too long.
The two of them stepped out onto the balcony and Sam took a moment to enjoy the view while Cas closed the sliding glass door behind them.
“Sit, sit,” Cas said as he moved around Sam to the far side of the small table that was placed between two lounge chairs. Sam sat, finding that the lounge was almost as comfortable as the bed. A pillow was behind his head before he even leaned back. He closed his eyes and sighed with contentment. He had no idea Vegas could be like this. When he and Dean made their annual pilgrimage it was non-stop action at tables and buffets until they dropped into the cheapest room they could find to catch enough sleep to go at it full throttle again. He opened his eyes as a soft white throw covered him from the waist down.
“Cas, you don’t have to fuss like this. You’re not Jeeves, man.”
Either Cas didn’t understand the reference or he ignored it. He placed a small black bag in Sam’s lap. Sam was about to protest when he saw how excited Cas was. Sam reached inside and felt a piece of paper. He pulled it out and saw a picture of a scanner. He looked up at Cas confused. Cas looked crushed and Sam knew he had to fix it.
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s a scanner like the ones they use at Google. You will be able to scan the entire library of the Men of Letters.”
“Thank you Cas.”
“I hope the other gifts are easier.”
“This is great, I was just stupid and didn’t get it.”
Now Cas seemed more than just upset. Sam saw real anger in his eyes. He hadn’t seen that since Cas had shown up at their door after he had fallen. He had been afraid that Cas was too broken to allow himself to be angry. Sam was glad to see he had been wrong and yet sorry that he had disappointed another important person in his life. It seemed it was what he was best at.
Cas deep blue eyes flashed and he sat down on the side of the lounge. He gripped Sam’s knee and looked him in the eye.
“Don’t you ever say that again.”
“Cas, please, I-“
“You are not stupid or a monster or any of those things that you tell yourself.”
Sam wasn’t sure how he should respond. As much as Dean liked to tease him about “chick flick” moments, they made him uncomfortable as well. He only pushed his brother to talk when Sam was worried or concerned about Dean. Sharing feelings never went well for the Winchesters. He didn’t know what to do, mentally kicking himself for making the situation worse.
“Sam, there are many things I regret about my time as an angel. The list is too long for me to share, but much of what I regret has to do with you.”
Sam felt his throat begin to close. His eyes felt hot from the tears he was trying to hold back. Not only had he ruined his family, but an angel as well.
“Cas, I’m not worth beating yourself up over.”
“You are wrong about that. I wish that we could speak Enochian, I feel so clumsy in English.”
“I do,” Sam said much to Cas’ surprise, “it was like a total emersion thing. It was how Lucifer and Michael talked to each other in The Cage. My accent’s crap, but I can understand it.”
Cas moved closer to Sam and took Sam’s face in his hands. Speaking in Enochian Cas said, “Angels think they know everything, but they are woefully ignorant of men. I was an assbutt. You are not an abomination nor damned by demon blood. You are a good man Sam and I am sorry that I ever made you feel otherwise. If we are judged then I am the one who falls short. I cannot ask your forgiveness, because I do not deserve it.”
They both had tears running down their cheeks. Sam started to say something, but Cas put a finger to his lips. Sam put his hand over Cas’.
“I understand. I understand how you can do the wrong thing for the right reason.”
Cas just looked at him and Sam was afraid he had garbled the Enochian, but then Cas leaned forward and kissed him. It took his breath away and not because it was unexpected. Cas tasted like a thunderstorm and honey and a bright summer day. There was peace in this moment, for both of them. Sam leaned towards Cas, not wanting the kiss to end.
Cas was the one who broke it off and stood up as if nothing had passed between them.
“You have more presents to open. You should choose another.”
Sam wasn’t sure what had just happened, but from the way Cas was acting now the kiss must not have affected Cas the way it had affected him. It was just Cas’ way of apologizing, just another boundary that the angel didn’t understand. Sam took a deep breath to try and shake it off. He saw that Cas had placed three more presents on the small table between the two lounge chairs. He decided to go for the biggest one first.
He opened it up to find a white shirt box. Secretly hoping that Cas hadn’t chosen something for him to wear, Sam lifted the lid, carefully schooling his features so that Cas wouldn’t be disappointed by his reaction a second time. It was a large leather bound book. Sam opened it and found that it was blank except for faint lines on the vellum inside. He closed it and ran his hand over the cool leather. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s time that you added your own journal to the Men of Letters archive. Your father’s is there and Dean is adding his own typed recollections, but this seemed to suit you.”
Cas handed him a smaller box. “The two of them go together.” Sam opened the second box and saw small bottles of ink. “For the journal.”
“These are beautiful Cas, but I’m not much of a writer.”
“Once again, you don’t value yourself enough. Do you realize that your professor for Freshman English still uses your first essay as an example in his classes and-“
“That’s different, I don’t know how to keep a journal. I’m a Winchester, we don’t just spill our guts.”
“Maybe you should.” Cas reached into the box and pulled out something that Sam had missed. It was a fountain pen, an old fashioned Parker with a nib.
“Which ink would you prefer for your first entry?”
Sam handed him a sepia colored ink. Cas filled the reservoir without a moment’s hesitation.
“You’re awfully good at that.”
“It’s the first thing I learned how to do in Heaven.”
Sam got a sudden mental image of Cas at one of those ancient desks that monks used when they were creating illustrated pages for the Book of Kells. He was so caught up in the image that he didn’t realize that Cas was speaking to him. He startled when Cas touched his hand.
“What?”
“I said you have chosen a color of memories so your first recollection should be a memory,” Cas said, handing Sam the book and pen. Sam just sat and stared at the blank page, frozen by the beauty of the paper, the responsibility to record for history, he couldn’t pick something that he was important enough to mark the pages.
Cas seemed to understand his paralysis, but Sam didn’t know how to interpret it when Cas took the journal and pen from him. His heart sank. Cas had decided he wasn’t worthy of such a gift and Sam agreed.
“I shall be your scribe for your first entry. Now close your eyes and think of your first case.”
Sam settled back into the pillow, the bright Nevada sun at its warmest. He’s almost warm himself. Suddenly a memory came to him slowly as if delivered by one of the sunbeams. An afternoon long ago when he felt the sun on his face just like this.
He opened his eyes to find Cas patiently waiting. “I’m not sure this qualifies as a case. I was seven I think. It was before I knew about what Dad was really doing when he left us in a motel. Dean’s told me of other times when I encountered the Supernatural, but I was so little I don’t remember, or I don’t know if I remember or I just think I do because Dean told me the stories so many times. It’s the first time that I remember having something to do with anything supernatural.”
“There are no wrong entries in a journal. It seems a good place to begin. I will write it down for you, I’m quite good at dictation. At least I used to be. All you need do is tell me your memory.”
Sam settled into the cushion

SAMMY’S FIRST GHOST

I must have been seven because I remember that was the year that I read Dickens whenever I could find it. I don’t know why our teacher at my school decided that she should read us A Christmas Carol right before summer vacation, but after I heard it I just couldn’t get enough Dickens. I had just finished David Copperfield when we pulled into a motel in Kirby, Vermont. I suppose I should have been appreciating the way the leaves had turned, but I was too wrapped up in David’s life to notice. Fortunately neither Dean or my Dad really cared about leaves either and my Dad appreciated quiet more than anything else. I finished the book as Dad pulled into the parking lot of the Red Leaf Motel. It was always the same, Dad checked in and Dean laid down the salt, so I unpacked what we needed from the trunk.
Dad was gone the next day- Is this really what you want or should I just tell you about the Supernatural part of it?”
Cas looked at Sam for a moment. Even though he didn’t speak, Sam knew the answer.
“Like I said, Dad was gone and even though he said he’d be back in a couple of days, I knew by that time that you never knew exactly when he’d show up. He had decided that it wasn’t worth sending us to school because we’d only be in town a week. Well after a day, Dean was sick of being in the motel with me and I can’t really blame him. I had done everything I could think of in that tiny little room. The carpet smelled funny and I didn’t have a book to read. So on Day 2, Dean had decided to dump me. The town wasn’t big enough for a Plucky Pennywhistle’s so he found the next best thing, the public library. I didn’t put up a protest. It was so much better than Plucky’s and I needed something to read even if I couldn’t check anything out. For once, Dad wasn’t insisting that I read up on monsters or legends and that meant I could read Dickens. I liked to read really long books back then because they’d last longer and that way I wouldn’t have to ask for a new one right away. I never thought about it until now, but Dean must have stolen them for me, since I doubt Dad would have spent money on anything like that, unless it had something to do with hunting. Anyway, Dean dumped me off at the library but before I went in he said, “Sammy you come outside at 4:45 and he showed me where the hands on the clock would be on his watch. I could tell time, but it was easier if Dean showed it to me. “Don’t go anywhere, Stay right on this bench.” He pointed across the street to this run down old cottage. “There’s a ghost of a witch that lives in there and she makes little kids who wander off disappear. You don’t want to disappear, do you Sammy?”
I shook my head no.
“Ok, I’ll see you at 4:45, Matilda.”
When Dean said that I knew he wasn’t really mad at me. Matilda was one of my favorite books and Dean had read it to me a lot before I figured out how to do it myself. It was, is, about a little girl who doesn’t fit in with her family because she loves to go to the library and read. Then later she develops mind powers. Dean never teased me about that one, even though it was about a girl. So I went in and found the Dickens in the adult section. I picked the two biggest ones on the shelf. I took them off the shelf and went to one of the tables to try and decide which one had the most pages. That’s how I picked all my books back then.
I can’t believe how clear it all is, I haven’t thought about this since it happened. The librarian noticed me because I was the only person in the place and it wasn’t that big. She was really pretty. She reminded me of Miss Honey. I wasn’t as careful as I should have been.
“You like to read?”
“More than anything.”
“What are you reading?”
“Dickens.”
“I’ve never seen you here before.”
“We’re here visiting my aunt.”
“You really read Dickens?”
“Christmas Carol, David Copperfield.”
“Come with me.”
I should have been afraid. I’d been told over and over never to trust an adult, I was going off where no one would know where I was, but like I said I felt like I could trust her. She took me to one of the back rooms and it was filled with cardboard boxes. She knew just what she was looking for and put one of the boxes on the table.
“People give books to the library that they don’t want anymore. This one is a whole set of Dickens. Take what you want.”
“To keep?”
“To keep.”
Then she left me alone in a room full of books. I figured out after a lot of putting books in my backpack that I could take three of the biggest ones. Bleak House, Little Dorrit and Great Expectations. I took out the sandwich Dean had given me to make room in the backpack for the books. As soon as I zipped the backpack shut I realized how hungry I was. I knew that I shouldn’t eat in the library so I decided that I was going to go outside and sit at the bench and eat my sandwich. When I was done I’d come back inside and read in the big comfortable chairs until it was time for Dean to come and get me. That was the plan.”
“But the woman was a witch, the books were cursed and-“
Sam gave Cas a half smile. “You’re jumping ahead and you’re wrong by the way. I ate my double peanut butter sandwich because Dad forgot to buy jelly before he left. Dean said it was better than a PB & J because it would stick to my ribs, but what it really did was stick to the roof of my mouth. I didn’t want to mess up the books so all I could do while I ate was stare at the house across the street.”
“The one that Dean told you was haunted.”
“That’s the one. Like I said, I kept looking at it and the more I looked at it I decided I didn’t believe Dean. It didn’t look anything like the scary places that I saw on Scooby Doo. It just looked like an empty house. The more I looked at it the more I wanted to look inside. You have to remember that I didn’t remember ever living in a house. I saw them on TV and read about them in books, but I had never been in one. We never stayed long enough for us to make friends to invite us to their house. I was pretty sure that it wasn’t close to time for Dean to show up yet so I decided that I would check out the house and then be back on the bench in plenty of time. Dean would never know. I almost left my backpack. It was really heavy, but I didn’t want somebody to come along and take it. I didn’t want to lose the books either so I dragged it with me. The door wasn’t locked, so I went right in.”
Sam paused and swallowed. He wasn’t used to talking so much and his throat was dry. Without a word Cas got up and put the journal on the table. He went inside. Sam sat up and took a look at the journal. Cas’ writing was a jumble of what looked like old English lettering and Enochian with maybe a little Aramaic mixed in. Sam smiled as he heard the door slide open behind him and he sat back. It was almost as if the journal was written in code. He liked the idea of someone having to decipher it like an Egyptian hieroglyph. Cas came out with a mug of tea and pressed it into Sam’s hands. He wrapped his hands around it. Before the trials he had always run hot, except for when he had been possessed by Lucifer. Now no matter what he did, he couldn’t get warm. Except when he had taken a bath earlier. He was going to take another one just as soon as they finished here. He took a sip of the tea, unsure of how hot it was. It was different than the last mug that Cas had given to him. This one had a taste to it that it took him a minute to identify. Then he realized that it tasted like a sugar cookie. How the hell had they done that? It didn’t matter.
“Are you ready to continue?” Cas asked as he picked up the journal and pulled his chair next to Sam’s lounge. Sam was sorry that Cas had chosen not to sit on the lounge. The feel of him against his leg had been comforting. Sam didn’t like revisiting the past. There wasn’t much pleasant to remember, except Dean. He took another sip of the cookie flavored tea and wrapped his hands tightly around the mug.
“So I walked in just like I imagined regular kids did every day after school. I closed my eyes and imagined that my mom was there with a cookie and a glass of milk or maybe an apple. I felt something moved passed me. The air was cool. I opened my eyes and for a minute I thought my Mom was standing there in front of me.
I don’t really remember her, but I’ve seen pictures and Dean would tell me things about her when Dad wasn’t around. The woman was very tall and blonde. She seemed so happy to see me.
“It’s about time you got home, you silly goose.”
“I’m, I’m really sorry, I didn’t realize anybody lived here. I didn’t mean to-“
“I don’t know what kind of game you are playing, but it isn’t very funny. Now go to your room and put on your costume. We don’t have much time before the party.”
“Party?”
“It’s Halloween you big dope. Now go get your costume on.” I thought about running out the door, but my backpack was really heavy and I knew it would slow me down. Also, I had the feeling that the lady could move really fast if she wanted to and I’d never make it out the door. The longer I stood there, the wider her smile got. It was one of those smiles that adults use when they don’t want anyone to know how angry they are. And she was angry. It was coming off of her in waves and it was almost as if her anger was physically pushing me towards one of the rooms. I opened the door and slipped inside as quickly as I could shutting it behind me. It was a kid’s room. The kind I had always wanted. An outfit was laying on the bed and I approached it. When I saw it, I wanted to scream, but I couldn’t get any air into my lungs.”
“What was it Sam?” Cas asked, placing his hand on his wrist and trying to calm him. It was obvious that this memory was starting to upset him and that was the last thing that Cas wanted.
Sam took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “It was a clown suit.”
“Sam,” Cas said, closing the journal, “we don’t have to do this.”
“No, this is what it is isn’t it. Being a Man of Letters is all about leaving records, artifacts for whoever comes after. Dean and I are way behind. We, I need to do this Cas.”
“If that is what you want, but if you need a break,”
“I’ll let you know.”
“Whatever it is, it can’t hurt you now.”
“Cas, you of all, people, know that’s not exactly true.”
“But you’re here now, so everything turned out well.”
“Not exactly. Ok,” Sam said taking another sip of tea, “so I was in this room with this clown suit. I put it on, it was red and green with yellow pants, but it had brown stains all over it.”
“Brown?”
“I’m getting to it. I didn’t want to put it on, but I was afraid of what the woman would do if I didn’t. So I put on the outfit.”
“It’s almost time to go trick or treating.”
“I thought there was a party?”
“After candy. Now come let Momma see.”

She was right. The light outside had changed. Maybe it was time for Dean to come back for me. If I could get outside maybe I could get away from her. So I went out into the main room and she was there waiting for me. She wasn’t so beautiful now. Her dress had even more of the brown stains than my outfit. The smile was even worse now. It looked like her whole face was stretched over the bones. She reached out her hand for me and I couldn’t help it. I backed up against the door.
“Come and let Momma see.”
I didn’t think I could do it. I didn’t think I could move, but somehow I made it to the center of the room.
“What’s the matter pumpkin. You don’t look happy. Clowns are always happy. Let’s see a great big grin.”
Her grinning face was right in front of mine now. She smelled rotten like meat and moldy earth.”
Cas thought about stopping Sam again, but he seemed fully caught up in the recollection now and determined even though the memory frightened him.
’She said, You won’t get any candy if you don’t have a great big grin.”
“I don’t like candy.”
Then she was really angry and threw me across the room, so that I landed at the bedroom door.
“Nothing’s ever good enough. No matter what I do, you’re never happy.”
I ran into the room and shut the door behind me. It wasn’t good enough, so I went in the closet. I thought for sure she wouldn’t find me in there. I shut the door all the way, and it was dark and I was scared because it was dark. But I was more afraid that she would find me. I backed up in the closet, I wanted to feel the wall behind me. Maybe if she opened the door and I was behind all the clothes then she wouldn’t see me.”
“I backed into something, but it gave way, so I kept moving backwards and then something hit me in the face. It felt like the back of a shoe. I reached up and I felt a cord for a light. I turned it on. A boy in a clown suit just like mine was hanging from the light fixture in the closet. I screamed and screamed. I don’t know if he was just an image or if it was a kid, an actual person. I don’t remember how I got out of the closet, but the next thing I remember I was in the front room again. The whole place smelled like rot now, rotting pumpkins. I hate that smell. The ghost was raving now. Screaming about how nothing was ever good enough. I was never happy. If it happened today, I’d have salt rounds and I would have picked up the poker from the fireplace. But I didn’t know any of that then so I curled up in a little ball. Then I heard Dean yelling my name. I yelled for him and he came running in and grabbed me. Luckily, I got my backpack because I don’t think I would have ever gone back for it.”
Cas closed the journal and looked at Sam. The younger Winchester looked drained.
“I never told Dean what happened. He was so mad when I wouldn’t go Trick or Treating a couple of days later.” Then a truly horrific idea occurred to Sam. “We never got rid of that ghost. Dad could have taken care of it, but I didn’t tell him. How many kids has she frightened or-“
“You were a child you cannot be responsible,”
“But I am,” Sam said, tears welling in his eyes.
Cas stood and walked over to the head of Sam’s lounge chair so that he could brush the hair out of Sam’s eyes. “We’ll tell Dean as soon as he gets here. Now you should try and rest.”

It was proof of how tired Sam actually was that there was no argument. He made no move to leave the lounge chair, just leaned further back into the pillow and closed his eyes. Cas fought the urge to lie down next to him and instead tucked the light blanket around Sam before laying down on his own lounge. Personally, he would have been more comfortable inside. Cas felt too exposed out here, but the sun was warm and he didn’t want to leave Sam alone. He knew that Sam was prone to nightmares, especially when stressed. He wasn’t sure that he knew what to do if Sam did indeed have a nightmare because human dreaming was so different from how he had dreamed as an angel, if you could call it that. Still, he would not leave Sam to face it alone.

Cas was still not used to the idea that he had to sleep. So it always caught him by surprise when he woke up. The sun had almost set, so he had been asleep for several hours. He looked back into their hotel room to see that it was completely dark. That meant that Kevin was still out somewhere. He went inside and turned on some of the lights. He did not want Sam to trip and fall in the dark. Then he went and got all their things from the balcony. It was then that Cas realized that Sam still had one last gift to open. Cas had thought that when he had started moving around that Sam would wake up, but when he glanced at the balcony, Sam was still asleep. He went out to the balcony and put his hand on Sam’s shoulder to wake him. That was when he realized how cold the other man was. Cas was immediately concerned.
“Sam, Sam wake up.”
Sam woke with a confused look on his face. “As, is everything ok?”
“Come inside, you are too cold.”
“I’m always cold,” Sam said as he stood up and headed inside. Cas grabbed the throw from the lounge and followed him. As soon as the warmer air hit him, Sam started to shiver. He began to shake so badly that it was hard for him to walk so he sat down in the nearest chair. Cas wrapped the throw around him, but it didn’t seem to help.
Cas knelt down in front of him. “What can I do to help?”
Sam shook his head and looked at Cas, trying to reassure him. “G-get up, it’s ok. I’m always cold. It will stop in a minute.”
“Always?”
He wasn’t sure why, but in that moment with Cas looking at him with those big blue eyes, Sam was willing to admit something that he hadn’t even told Dean, even after all this time.
“You’ve been to Hell, and it’s hot. All the different kinds of heat there has ever been and ever will be I guess. But Lucifer, the Cage. It was always cold, at times it was freezing. Every once in a while he would throw me into a fire pit, but most of the time I was blue.”
“Blue?”
“When humans freeze to death, they turn blue. The whole time that he was inside me, part of the reason it was hard to fight him was because it was so cold that it was hard to even put a thought together.”
“But you beat him and you’re not in the Cage or Hell anymore.”
Sam nodded, “I just haven’t been warm since Detroit. It wasn’t so bad, just a jacket or a couple of shirts, but since the trials, nothing seems to help, except-“
“What Sam?”
“When I was in the jacuzzi tub earlier,”
Before he even finished the thought, Cas was headed towards the bathroom.

Sam’s cell phone started ringing. He looked at the Caller ID and saw it was Dean, but there was no location which probably meant that his brother was at the Bunker. Sam hit accept and speaker. He was immediately assaulted by an angry Dean.
“Damn it Sam.”
“Hey Dean.”
“You guys just took off for Vegas and left Crowley here on his own.”
“Oh shit,” Sam thought. Had Crowley somehow gotten loose and wrecked havoc in the bunker?
“Dean he was chained in the dungeon. Cas fed and watered him before we left. Did he?”
“You’re damn lucky he didn’t. How could you do that?”
“Just who was I supposed to call? You’re going to leave him there on his own aren’t you?”
“I don’t have a choice. It’s a case Sam. I’m not on vacation.”
“Maybe you need one.”
“How can I looking after you screw ups. And I’m not going to leave Charlie here with him.”
“Charlie’s with you?”
“Like I said, I’m on a case and it’s right up her alley.”
Sam decided to ignore that. “So you think you and Charlie will be here tomorrow.”
“You bet we will. Don’t go anywhere,” Dean said, ending the call without bothering to say goodbye.
Cas walked out of the bathroom and looked at Sam concerned. His friend no longer looked miserable. He was angry and trying to not to show it.
“Sam?”
“Dean called.”
“Things are not well between you?”
“No. He’s angry that we left Crowley alone.”
“Perhaps he is right. It was somewhat irresponsible of us to leave him alone.”
“I don’t want to talk about that right now.”
“You’re right. Your bath water will cool and I’ll have to start all over again if you don’t use it soon.”
Cas walked back towards the bathroom and Sam followed. Sam thought that Cas would leave the room as soon as Sam stepped in, but he didn’t. He just stood there. So Sam stood there and stared at the bubble filled tub, waiting for Cas to leave. Cas just stood there.
“Cas, you can go now.”
“I want to make sure everything is just how you need it.”
“Cas, if I’m going to get into the tub, I need to be naked.”
Cas just stared at him, not understanding what Sam was trying to say to him.
“Cas usually people don’t, aren’t naked in front of each other.”
“If it makes you uncomfortable, I will leave.” Cas started for the door, then turned back and said, “You realize that I have seen both you and Dean naked many times.”
“I really didn’t need to know that.”
Sam waited until he heard the door click shut before he disrobed and climbed into the tub. The maids must have come while he had Cas had been on the balcony because he was pretty sure that he had used all of the toiletries the day before and they were all brand new bottles again. He turned on the jets and sank down into the water as far as he could. He was so relaxed that he didn’t realize that Cas had come back into the bathroom until he felt Cas’ hands on his shoulders. He tensed.
“If you will lean forward, I will wash your back.”
Sam decided he was too relaxed to argue with Cas about how he didn’t have to do that. So he drew his legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees. He propped his chin up on his knees.
Cas’ touch was firm and soothing as he moved the terrycloth rag over his back.
“Feel better?”
Sam murmured.
“The water is starting to cool, you should get out before you catch a chill.”
Without thinking about it, Sam climbed out of the tub and Cas helped him into his robe. They walked into the main room and Cas steered the sleepy, relaxed hunter towards the bed. Sam sat on the end of the bed and Cas climbed behind him and knelt.
“Your shoulders and neck are still very tight.”
Cas began to massage Sam’s shoulders. Then Cas pressed his thumbs into the base of Sam’s neck and then up to the nape. Sam swayed. He thought about laying down, but he didn’t have the energy. Then he felt Cas’ lips on the back of his neck. That caused a flutter in his stomach.
“Cas. Cas, we can’t do this.”
“It’s not wrong,”
Sam pulled away from Cas and stood up. “I won’t do this to him.”
“To who Sam, I don’t-“
“Dean, I won’t let him down again, betray him this way.”
“Now don’t ruin all my hard work by getting upset. Lay down,”
Cas could tell that Sam was going to try and resist his suggestion by the look on his face. “We can still keep talking, you’ll be warmer under the covers.”
Sam let Cas tuck him in. He found his behavior perplexing. He couldn’t understand why he felt so comfortable having Cas do things for him. He had never liked being taken care of. It was a constant source of tension between him and his brother. Jess had done it once or twice when he had gotten the flu at Stanford. That had just made him uncomfortable. But Cas seemed to have cast some spell over him. Then his thoughts were brought back to the situation at hand when Cas crawled into bed next to him.
“I wish you had let me dry your hair. You would be warmer.”
“Stop taking care of me. I didn’t bring you to Vegas so that you could wait on me hand and foot.”
“I know that and no one tells me what to do anymore Sam Winchester. But I must be of use and I want to help you. I can’t do it in the ways I did before.”
“Cas, I don’t care that you’re not an angel anymore. You’re part of our, I don’t know what you’d call it, but we don’t want, I don’t to be without you.”
“Then I don’t understand your hesitation. Is it because I’m male? When I was divine I could change my vessel and it was not always male. The soul, the essence of a human or an angel isn’t male or female.”
“It’s not that, at least I don’t think so. I’ve never been with a guy before, never been attracted physically to a man until now. But that’s not the problem.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s Dean. You’re, you’ve got a profound bond. You’re his best friend.”
“I don’t understand what that has to do with us.”
“Before this happens, if it happens, whatever it is, we have to make sure that Dean’s cool with it. And there’s something else you might want to think about.”
“What’s that?”
“Everyone I’ve ever been involved with, ends up dead.”
“Sam,”
“It is what it is.”
Sam was starting to shiver again.
“Come and lay back down, I respect your wishes.”
Sam crawled back into bed. He turned so he was facing Cas. Cas pulled the covers up around them both. Sam spooned around Cas, trying to get warm. “Just try and get some sleep, Dean won’t be here until tomorrow afternoon.”

Even when he wasn’t a hundred percent, Sam was still a hunter and some instincts just don’t quit. When he heard the key card in the lock, he was instantly awake. He was also suddenly aware that Cas had fallen asleep and was wrapped around him. Sam was trying to figure out how to move Cas off of him without waking him up when Kevin walked in with a girl.
She was giggling. Something was very familiar about the sound. He reached over and turned on a lamp. Kevin stopped on the stairs.
“I’m sorry we woke you.”
“It’s ok Kevin, don’t worry about it.”
“Oh my God.”
Sam recognized the voice, but it couldn’t be. He was having a nightmare.
He heard them coming down the stairs and kept his eyes shut. Maybe if he didn’t open them, they would just go away.
“Sam?”
“Becky.”

Sam opened his eyes to see his ex-wife standing at the foot of the bed, grinning at him. She looked exactly the same as the last time he had seen her, except she was wearing some kind of uniform.
“Kevin,” Becky said, punching him in the arm, “why didn’t you tell me you knew Sam Winchester?”
“You two know each other?”
Becky shoved Kevin out of the way and came over to hug Sam. “He’s my ex-husband, silly.”
“What?”

Cas who had burrowed down underneath the covers stuck his head out. “What is that horrible screeching? Are you watching that movie again?”
As Cas emerged both Becky and Kevin’s eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Well. That explains a lot. I’m not judging, I would never do that. Love is love.”
“Explains what?” Cas asked.
“Nothing.” Sam said, glaring at Kevin, willing him to change the subject.
“So you two were married?”
“Yes, for a time, but Sam was too committed to his job for it to work out.”
“She drugged me. You haven’t drunk anything have you?”
“Sam, Sam, Sam,” Becky said smiling at him. “You can’t judge me by the past. After our marriage was over I took a really hard look at my life and I said, Becky Rosen-Winchester.”
“You are not a Winchester.”
“I have two talents.”
“One of those involves self-delusion,” Sam muttered.
“Fan fiction and organizing Supernatural fans. I know how much Chuck’s books upset you and I could never exploit our relationship that way. It meant and still means too much to me.”
Sam rubbed his hand across his forehead.
“Are you ok, Sam?”
“I’m getting a headache.”
Cas got out of the bed and went to get the painkillers that were always in the Winchesters duffels.
“And some scotch, there has to be some scotch here somewhere.”
“Kevin and I are just fate.”
“You and Kevin are just friends, right?”
Kevin avoided looking Sam in the eye.
“Kevin?”
Before Sam could get an answer, Becky was waving a huge sparkler in front of his face.
“Don’t worry, we’re not rushing. The wedding isn’t until Saturday.”
“It’s Thursday,” Sam said, looking at his watch.
“I want everything to be just right and of course I want Dean to be there too, is there any way that you can get in touch with him?”

Sam felt panic in the pit of his stomach. Oh God when Dean found out about this. He was going to end up chained in the dungeon with Crowley. He had just wanted a break, a nice relaxing break. Normal people got vacations. Couldn’t he have just one normal day?
“Sam?” Kevin said, alarmed by how pale Sam had gotten all of a sudden.
He had to stop this somehow, he had to. Dean was going to kill him and was sure his brother would make it painful. What would Mrs. Tran do? Cut off Becky’s head and put it on a pike. What was it that parents had said on all those TV shows he and Dean had watched as kids?
“Kevin Tran, go to your room.”
Kevin didn’t move. He just looked from Becky and then back to Sam. Sam took a deep breath and channeled his father and a little bit of Dean.”Kevin Tran, go to your room right now or so help me-“
Kevin bolted up the stairs without looking back.
Sam sent a silent thank you to Mrs. Tran, tiger mommy. He smiled, quite pleased with himself, Becky’s plan thwarted.
Becky wasn’t so happy. She was turning beet red and her hands were clenched at her sides.
“True love can’t be denied. You can’t stop us.”
“You sure you want us at the ceremony? I’m pretty sure that when they get to that part about objections, we might have something to say.”
“You know I can make all of this go away.”
“All what?”
“This room, the one where everything’s being comped.”
“How did that happen anyway.”
“Oh, I had a friend set up an alert for any of yours or Dean’s alias’.”
“You cancel everything, then I might have to have a really interesting conversation with your boss and I’d be sure to include our marriage. I”m sure they’d be really interested in the drugs.”
Becky was opening and closing her mouth now like a goldfish. As Cas came back in the room with the scotch and the pills, Becky stormed out, slamming the door behind her.
“She seemed quite upset.”
“She’ll get over it.”
Cas handed Sam the pills and he dry swallowed them. “Did you find Scotch?”
“I’m not sure that is such a good idea with what you just took.”
“Join me.”
Cas went and got another glass and did just that.

Chapter Two| Chapter Four
Masterpost