Smiling as the shit comes down

[dr_gregoryhouse]

Who: House, Chase (NPC), open
Where: House's office; heading down to the cafeteria
What: New case. Getting something to eat + avoiding Wilson and Cuddy
When: Day after House's meeting with Cade - Friday, 12th May, almost midday.

Comments

[dr_j_wilson]

“Yeah… all right,” Wilson said, thinking things would probably be more comfortable in his bedroom. And since he was going to get up anyway, they might as well move in there

[dr_j_wilson]

The touch to his back made Wilson flinch, though it was in surprise, not because he didn’t want to be touched. He didn’t look back though, not even at House’s second ‘hey’. It wasn’t until House’s question that Wilson snapped completely out of his thoughts and finally turned around.

“Nothing,” Wilson managed to reply and moved back towards House, to lie next to him. “You didn’t do anything,” he said and put his hand on House’s arm. As bad as he was feeling about himself and what had happened, none of that spilled over to House. Wilson didn’t blame him at all.

“I just… I don’t…” Wilson tried, frowning in the general direction of House’s chest. “Can we just… go to sleep?” Wilson asked, and as soon as the words were out of his mouth he felt exhausted. His forehead dropped in against House’s chest and his arm dropped over House’s side.

“I’m sorry,” Wilson said again a minute later against House’s chest, barely audibly. He wasn’t even sure what he was apologising for, this time. Maybe everything.

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House didn't believe Wilson when he said he hadn't done anything. He was still frowning, even as Wilson leaned in and pressed his forehead to House's chest. He wasn't tired, either. Not at the moment. So, he wasn't interested in going to sleep. He felt too confused over everything that had just happened to be tired

[dr_j_wilson]

It was just like House to take something like an ambiguous apology and sink his teeth into it until he understood it from all angles. Wilson clenched his eyes shut and wondered if he could just pretend he’d fallen asleep to avoid answering. It was unlikely that would work though and possibly, if House did believe he was asleep, he’d just ‘wake’ him up again to get his answer.

The demand hanging in the air started to make Wilson irritated. Mostly because he had no answer and because he really did just want to go to sleep. Maybe in the morning things wouldn’t be so bad, he figured. Of course… House wasn’t going to be there in the morning. He’d be at work.

“Why what?” Wilson finally asked, a touch of defensiveness in his tone. “I’m tired, I want to sleep,” Wilson said, purposefully misinterpreting House’s question, as if he’d never said the apology in the first place. Before, Wilson had been feeling vulnerable in a good way. Now it wasn’t in a good way. He just felt… raw.

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House picked up the defensiveness in Wilson's voice, and that just furthered House's belief that he'd done something wrong, that Wilson was just saying he'd done nothing wrong to try and brush off whatever his issue was. That, in effect, caused House to feel suddenly defensive. He had a right to know, god damn it. They'd just done what they almost wanted to do, and now Wilson was acting defensive? House wasn't going to settle for that.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," House replied, his voice sounding slightly clipped with annoyance. He pulled his hand away from Wilson's head and then braced it on Wilson's shoulder, determined to get Wilson's attention and a proper, believable answer from him. No way was he going to let Wilson sleep. Not yet.

He pushed Wilson back from him and stared down at him to meet his eyes. "You going to keep pretending you never apologised, or are you actually going to tell me what the hell that meant?"

[dr_j_wilson]

Wilson’s jaw tightened and he opened his eyes to glare at House when House pushed him back. “What do you think I’m sorry for?” Wilson bit out, pushing back even further. “I’m sorry for sleeping with Cuddy. I’m sorry for being such an immoral bastard that you can’t trust me. I’m sorry I couldn’t get your dick up my ass

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House stared intensely at Wilson, even when Wilson turned his head away. He hadn't expected any of that, at all. He didn't know what to think at Wilson's outburst at first, or the way Wilson's voice had changed when he apologised for everything he'd just apologised for.

As if in delayed reaction, he bristled when it sunk in that Wilson had snappishly apologised for sleeping with Cuddy. He didn't want to be reminded of that. But a moment later, it clicked what Wilson's issue was -- Wilson thought he'd failed House for not being able to... be penetrated by his penis

[dr_j_wilson]

Exactly, Wilson wanted to snap back. Exactly, they didn’t know what the hell they were doing. Except, he knew House meant that in the physical sense, not the relationship sense. At least, Wilson didn’t think he meant it in the relationship sense. Whichever it was, Wilson managed not to say anything.

Nothing was more unexpected to Wilson than what House said next. In fact, there was very little House could have said then that would have surprised Wilson more.

Doesn’t make me love you any less.Just hearing those words made Wilson forget to breathe for a moment. Was that why he was feeling so bad? Because he thought House might love him less? Because he hadn’t been able to give House something that… a woman would have been able to. Like Cuddy. Like Stacy. It seemed it was likely that was at least a part of it, considering how Wilson reacted at hearing those words

[dr_gregoryhouse]

Feeling Wilson's fingers clasping around his wrist, House instantly tried to shake Wilson's hand free from him, twisting his wrist before giving up with a moody sigh. He just wanted out of the room right now, not be forced to stay. He'd said more than enough. What more was there to say?

He peered down at the floor with a stern look on his face when Wilson talked, tensing up when Wilson called their aborted attempt at sex "make love". That was exactly the kind of intimate thing he didn't want to hear right now. He gave another half-hearted try at wrestling his wrist free before giving up again and sagged his shoulders.

He turned his head to the side slightly, not enough to look at Wilson but enough so that he could see Wilson out of his peripheral vision. "Things were going right," House replied with a hint of viciousness to his voice. "Until we slept with Cuddy

[dr_j_wilson]

Wilson did so, hardly even realising until then just how hard he’d been gripping House. He was strangely both reassured and angered at what House had said at the same time. Which left him completely unable to decide how to respond. Wilson sat back and then pushed down the bedcovers so he could get under them

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House abruptly stood from the bed the moment his wrist was let go, and he stood there with the unused condom in his hand, feeling uncomfortably naked, and not just because he actually was naked. Swiping his cane up with his other hand, he moved across to the wastepaper basket in Wilson's room and flung the condom down into it before moving across to the drawers

[dr_j_wilson]

Once House had left, Wilson actually got out of bed to clean himself up with some tissues from the box he kept on the bedside table. Having lotion all over his ass was hardly comfortable and was also a painful reminder of everything that had just happened

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House lay in silence after Wilson hoarsely confirmed that he was awake. He breathed quietly against the back of Wilson's neck, not touching him with his hands but keeping his body up against Wilson's. Now that he was here, he didn't know what he wanted to say. Or, more accurately, he didn't know how to say he was sorry. For getting angry, for... Maybe for everything. It showed that he wanted to say something with the way he kept drawing his breath in as if he was about to speak. He couldn't bring himself to form those two words, 'I'm sorry', though, and was therefore left without any clue what to do

[dr_j_wilson]

Wilson’s breath hitched a little at the way House was breathing him in and rubbing his arm. His skin felt overly sensitive for whatever reason - maybe because he’d had a lot of stimulation earlier but hadn’t come. Hadn’t had any release.

Reaching back, Wilson’s hand settled onto House’s hip, holding him in place. House was right, of course. All their problems did come from sex, in one way or another. Everything else about their relationship, the way they fit together, the companionship, their… love for each other, that was what House meant by ‘this’ Wilson was sure.

“So, what do you suggest? We stop having sex?” Wilson asked wryly, his voice still hoarse. There was no way Wilson wanted that, despite everything. He didn’t know if he could handle not being able to touch House or have House touch him.

But… if it meant things would stop being so messed up, if it meant they could stop fighting, Wilson would give it up. Because House was right about ‘this’ mattering so much more than sex.

[dr_gregoryhouse]

House snorted quietly, pulling his lips in a brief, wry smile against the back of Wilson's neck. The smile faded almost as soon as it appeared and he fell silent again. He concentrated on rubbing Wilson's arm as he tried to muster the courage to respond truthfully to Wilson's question.

Sarcastic remarks and jokes fired through his mind, and as much as it seemed easier to just reply with one of those, House bit them back. Now wasn't the time to be sarcastic. He was serious when he said this mattered too much. Even if he never talked seriously to Wilson about this again, he wanted to at least be serious about it now. It was the least he could do, considering how much this did mean to him.

He tightened his grip on Wilson's arm as if to hold him, to stop Wilson from possibly rolling over to face him. If he was going to be serious, it was easier if Wilson wasn't looking at him.

"That's not going to work," House replied. He paused and almost gave into the safety net of cracking a joke, but swallowed it back. "I want you too much."

[dr_j_wilson]

A shiver passed through Wilson’s body at House’s confession. He squeezed House’s hip and had the urge to turn around, but Wilson found it easier to talk like this too so he didn’t try.

“Me too,” Wilson admitted quietly and then moved to take House’s hand off his arm to hold it against his chest. They needed to do something though, because obviously what they had been doing so far wasn’t working. But what was there? Couples therapy? Wilson mentally snorted at that idea. Getting House into any kind of therapy on his own was impossible. Going in together was just as unlikely.

House was more likely to dance rings around the therapist than ‘share his feelings’.

Wilson sighed. He had no workable ideas except to do what they’d already been doing - stumbling along like people in the dark, and hope they’d eventually find their way.