Oz Graffixation #5
Artist:
beechercreature
Without You I'm Nothing by aleanorblack
Title: Without You I’m Nothing
Author: Aleanor Black
Rating: R
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Tobias Beecher/Chris Keller
Summary: After spending ten years on death row, Tobias Beecher is finally executed. Three years later, he’s in purgatory…with Chris Keller. Will this be the last time they can make peace and be together? Or is this really the end?
Author’s Note: I want to say thank you to the artist who created the picture I used. Thank you for the inspiration and it is beautiful, by the way. I hope you enjoy this story.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Toby and Chris. They belong to their respectable owners.
“For the last ten years, I’ve been thinking about you. Thinking about how you fucked me over the day you killed yourself. I remembered how you looked at me when I didn’t take you back. I remembered the desperation on your face and all I wanted to do is hurt you some more.
“You took everything from me. Ten years, Chris. Ten fucking years of my life spent waiting to die!” Toby paused, catching his breath before he continued, “Thank you, Chris, for framing me for your death. Thank you for letting me wait ten years on death row, only to see you again. Thank you, Chris, for fucking me over again,” Toby chuckled, “You know, I wish I could cry but I can’t. It will only make me angrier.”
Chris folded his arms across his chest. A lingeringly smile appeared on his face.
“You sound a little tense, baby. Did the executer injected too much of that stuff in your arm.”
Toby remained in his seat; angry at the fact Chris seemed not phrase at his pain. It took every nerve in his body to stop him from beating the shit out of Chris.
“You’re still the same fucking cunt. I thought death would change you, but I guess it didn’t,” Toby chuckled humorlessly.
“And you’re still a cynical, guilt-ridden pussy,” Chris said nonchalantly. The smile remained on his face.
“What can you expect, Keller? You think I would have my arms wide open and accept you back with no questions asked?”
“No, I thought we would be fuckin’ on the floor about now. Instead, I have to hear you bitch about what I’ve done.”
“You don’t understand?” Toby rubbed his face, feeling his body trembling with rage.
“No, I don’t. Please, explain it to me since you like to hear your own voice so damn much.”
“I think you are mistaking me with you,” Toby leaned against the steel chair. Shit, he knew he’s dead, but couldn’t God give them comfortable chairs that didn’t hurt his ass?
“Let me say this in your language: you fucked me over. You framed me with murder, your murder. You sent my ass to death row. I waited -”
“You. You. You. It’s always about you! Toby, can you stop playin’ the fuckin’ victim?”
Toby threw up his arms in disbelief and a hint of frustration. He laughed.
“You just don’t know or you don’t want to know. I wouldn’t be here if-”
“If you didn’t kill Kathy Rockwell,” Chris said, a frown replaced his mischief smile.
Toby glared at him. He balled his hand into a fist.
“You leave her outta it, Keller,” His voice dropped a notch, harsher to his own ears.
“Why, Beecher? Does it hurt when I bring it up? Does it make you crack inside? Or does it make you want to drink again? I bet you went back to drinking after I died, didn’ you?”
“Shut up.” Toby lowered his head.
Chris smirked.
“That’s what you did? You relapsed. You didn’t know how to deal with me gone. You couldn’ cope after you killed me and Ka-”
“Shut the fuck up!” Toby yelled. His fist turned white as his eyes turned a darker shade of blue.
Chris stared at him. His mouth slightly opened as if to speak but couldn’t. He stiffened, trying to keep his composure.
“Toby? Toby…”
“Fuck you!” Toby jumped off the chair, hearing the harsh metal chair landing on the cement floor. It still rang in his ears as he pulled Chris from his chair and pushed him against the wall.
Chris smelled of days old dry soap, the same odor from when he died. That fucker.
“Toby, calm down…”
“Fuck you.” Toby hit him. He watched as blood dripped from Chris’ lip. It ignited his anger as he continued to hit him.
If Chris told him to stop, Toby didn’t notice. The anger and resentment he held for many years came in the form of broken bones and torn skin. Violent punches to the face and powerful kicks to the stomach. Toby was a beast, torturing Chris for a couple of minutes.
The only noise in the room was Toby’s panting and grunts. He will make Chris suffer, for everything that happened. Toby found himself straddling Chris. He gripped Chris neck and choked him. He tightened his hold, hoping to break his throat, windpipe, anything to kill him a second time. He didn’t care if he had to burn for this, he can’t let Chris taunt him.
“You cock sucking bastard! Fuck you to hell!” Toby screamed at the top of his lungs as he shook him violently. He only saw and heard red. Red was his comforter. Red was his friend.
Chris didn’t say a word as his body turned limp. Toby lessened his hold on Chris’ neck and glance at him. Blood, Chris was covered in blood. His noise twisted to the side, numerous teeth outlined his cheeks. Toby made out the black bruises on his face and his swollen, bigger than usual eyes.
Toby released him and looked at his hands. Blood too. He pushed by the vomit forming at the back of his throat. What have he done?
“Toby?”
Toby raised his head and noticed Keller sitting opposed him. A concerned look appeared on Chris face. His eyes softened, more compassionated than a few moments ago.
Toby stared at him, as if he saw two heads. Toby looked at his hands. No blood. He looked at Chris and saw his face was intake, perfect. What the hell was going on? He thought, confused, speechless.
“Are you okay?”
Toby thought he killed him. He thought it was…it felt real. He felt the vibration running through his body. He felt his hand smashing into Chris’ skull and knocking him out. Even the sweat dripping down his forehead after beating him seemed real. It was real. He knew it…or…maybe he was thinking too hard.
“Look, I want to know if-”
“I’m fine,” Toby interrupted, “Peachy, really.” He decided to interpret his meltdown as a meltdown. God has a sick sense of humor.
“Fine,” Chris interjected. He closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the ceiling. He tapped his feet on the floor, the only noise in the room.
Toby gritted his teeth. It irritated him. Chris irritated him. This hellhole irritated him. When will he ever leave?
He glanced at the huge door to his right. Thick in all diameters, it almost blended into the wall, but not quite. It’s grey, like the walls, but darker, metal like. Toby believed if one hit the door, their hand will break. Toby never tried it but Chris told him (when they were speaking seldomly to each other) about his attempt to escape. It didn’t end well.
Toby didn’t see Chris’ hand bandaged but a tiny scar ran from his wrist to his thumb. Maybe Chris wasn’t full of shit after.
Toby sighed. He wished the door will open so he can leave this place. To leave…purgatory and Chris behind. To finally have some sort of peace he was denied many times before. But, it seemed, God wanted to fuck with him some more. God’s game was like Chris and his game, except someone will win, and Toby believed he will not be the victor at the end.
Toby rested his head in his hands. This was hell.
“Heh.”
Toby looked at Chris.
Without taking his eyes off the ceiling, Chris smiled.
“Nothin’.
“There’s always something with you.”
Chris raised his head.
“This is the first time you didn’t yell at me. You sound as if you finally took that stick outta your ass,” he mocked.
Toby ignored his last comment and said,
“Just answer my question: what’s so funny?”
Chris shrugged, keeping his demeanor relaxed and calmed.
“I was thinking about the time you shank me.”
“You don’t know-”
“When you spend a long time in this place, you are revealed to many things. I know you shanked me in the storage room. I mean, I was pissed when you were fuckin’ with me. I was even more pissed when I found out you did it. Then, as time went by, I laughed.”
Toby raised an eyebrow.
“It’s funny to me now. I mean, it’s priceless to see my reaction and yours. We are pretty fucked up people, you and me.”
“Don’t bring me into this.”
“But it’s true, Toby.” Chris looked at his fingernails as he continued to speak, “We tried to kill each other. We fuck with each other for some fucked up reason. But, we come back together. It’s a sick game between us. We are an interesting pair.”
Toby wanted to rebuttal, but he knew it was true. There were times they tried to break up, but they keep coming back to each other. By denying it, Toby can pretend it didn’t exist. He had to face it: Chris told the truth. They were fucked up and crazy in-
Toby shook his head. He was not about to give into Chris. He spent ten years trying to get over him. He can spend ten more ignoring him. They may be locked in purgatory together, but he can still not speak to him.
“I spent about three hundred years here, basically fifteen years in earth time,” Chris shrugged, “Don’t ask.”
Toby rolled his eyes, but listened attentively.
“Like I was sayin’, I’ve been here for three hun-fifteen years alone. No skin mags, no books, no cigarettes, alcohol, nada. Just me, in this big ass room. I guess God want me to become celibate.”
Toby snickered.
Chris smiled as Toby mentally kicked himself for falling into Chris’ charm.
“See, I knew I can make you laugh, but I’m dead serious. Of all the fuck ups I’ve done, I think the Old Man want revenge…but still…”Chris paused, as if shutting off his emotions and mind.
Toby waited for the next few words, but Chris remained quiet. So Toby pressed his elbows on his knees and clapped his hands together as if to pray. He exhaled and went inside his own head. He can’t lie and say it doesn’t feel like years went by. He knows he’s been in this place for three years, but it felt longer. He can still remember the needle going through his veins and the cold poison slowly entered his body. Whoever said you won’t feel a thing was a bullshit liar. You feel it.
You feel your body shutting down. You feel your heart stop beating. You feel it when you finally closed your eyes and all you see was darkness.
That’s what Toby felt and when he finally closed his eyes, he thought the nightmare was over, until he opened his eyes to find Chris sitting on his bed. Chris stared at him with a huge smile on his face. Of course, Toby thought he was dreaming. He thought his mind was playing tricks again. But when he saw the tiny hole in his arm and his gray surroundings (similar to his holding cell), he knew he wasn’t in Kanas anymore.
“Don’t expect to leave any time soon, Toby. That door doesn’t open unless to bring someone else here.”
“Like Vern?”
“Nope, he’s still on earth. I think he has some unfinished business. But I did saw Said. He says ‘hi’.”
Toby knocked him out after it finally occurred to him that he was stuck with Chris again. And now they were in the room, together, as the tension rose between them. He does not want to be there with him.
“I wonder what would happen if we met at a different time and place?” Chris whispered, mostly to himself.
Toby raised his head slightly, to have a better view of Chris’ face.
“What do you mean?
Chris didn’t take his eyes off the wall as he answered,
“I mean, what if we didn’t meet in Oz, but in your office,” then he faced Toby with a smile that almost melted Toby’s heart…almost, “You’re defending me for some crime I committed. You got me off and I repay you the best way I can.” He wiggled his eyebrow suggestively. Then he laughed, “Do you think we would be happy in that predicament? Tobias Beecher, the successful lawyer, dating a conman. How would your parents feel about it?”
“If we met that way, I would have cheated on my wife. I was still married before,” Toby paused. Gen’s passing hurt him. It broke him inside to know he killed her indirectly. He wished he could have saved her, but he can’t mourn for the past.
“Okay, just pretend Gen and you were divorce. She’s no longer in the picture and it’s just you and me. After I repay you, would you still have me?” Chris looked directly at Toby. The suggestive smirks and glistening eyes were gone and replace with a bit of regrets, a double meaning.
Toby felt his skin being burned off by Chris’ glance. He turned away from him and looked at his quivering hands. Of all the times he tried to keep Chris out of his system, he always found a way to let him back in.
Always fell for him, knowing what will happen next. Chris is a part of him and hated that very much. The way he gets under his skin made his stomach twist. Why does he allow Chris to do that too him?
“Look, Toby,” Chris cleared his throat. The overconfidence was gone. The shy boy from the South appeared. Toby preferred that Chris during those intimate moments. “I know what I did was wrong.”
“Now you know what you did was wrong? Bravo, Chris, bravo. Do you want a pat on the back or a good fuck for your realization?” Toby sneered.
“Toby, listen…”
“No, you listen. It took your death to realize the shit you put me through. You died, I paid for it. I had to look at myself every day and realize you are gone and I had to stay here and face everything on my own. My kids hate me. My mom despises me. My old friends or the few I had are dead or won’t speak to me. You left me on earth to suffer and now you are sitting here, ready to say you’re sorry. Fuck you, Keller,” Toby snapped. He clutched his hands tightly. His face was red as a beat while the grizzly beard on his face added more to his madman demeanor. He wished he can beat the shit outta him, hopefully for real.
Chris continued to look at him. The frown made him older, tired from the world’s abuse. He’s aged, skin a ghostly color. Dark circles around his eyes.
Chris sighed.
“I hope you feel better because you are going to listen to me. I’ve been in this goddamn ceil for fifteen years. I had to sit here and think about what I’ve done. What I’ve done to my ex-wives, those four boys and you. I thought of you. I wonder what you’re doing and how you felt. I thought about what would have happen if I didn’t fuck you over or if we haven’t met.
“It’s borin’ as hell to wait for that damn door to open. I gave up about the seventh year. Like you, I hate this place. I hated you too, but…I couldn’t.”
Toby’s mind ran amuck. Chris suffered? Chris can’t hate him? Toby wished he did.
“I have died every day waiting for you. I have loved you for a thousand years. I did everything for us to be together and it backfired. I was an ass for fuckin’ up your probation and framing you for my death. I was thinking, maybe, just maybe we can be together in the afterlife-”
“You bastard. You wanted me to follow you. I should have killed you when I had the chance.” Toby’s words were like venom and he knew how to use it.
If Chris was hurt, he didn’t show it. Toby knew him too well. When he’s hurt, he will not show it. He will do it by seeking revenge, anything to make Toby feel it. That’s how their relationship worked. It’s destructible, dangerous; yet, beautiful.
Part of him wished he could take it back.
“Yea and you will always feel guilty about it. Come on, Toby, you were thinkin’ about me. You prayed for my immortal soul while you destroyed yours. You missed me. You felt guilty for killin me. Then the guilt turned into anger and you couldn’t control yourself anymore,” Chris smirked, “I know you too well. I know how you think: you get revenge, act shit crazy, then feel guilty and try to come to terms with it.”
“And I know you too well, Keller. You also get revenge, but you do it to spite me. You tried to make it better and get on my good side only to go back to your old ways. You claimed you changed, but you really haven’t. You’re still a manipulating fuck from all those years. You like to kill and you use it to get at me or bring me back to you. Because when I say ‘bark’, you do it. You are my bitch.” Toby folded his arms and smiled.
Chris glared at Toby which didn’t phrase him.
“I only did because I loved you.”
“You did because you want control!”
“Then you are fucked up. If that what makes your guilt go away. I don’t care.”
“But you do,” Toby said silently. He didn’t know where those words came from, but it felt right.
“You goddamn right I do. I always will no matter what you say or do to me. No matter how many times we fought, tried to kill each other, or fuck, I still care for you.” Chris kicked his chair and lay on his bed. “You know what I also hate about this place, I sleep too much. But I guess it’s the only way to get away from you.” He turned his back on Toby and faced the wall.
Times like this Toby wanted a drink in order to get away from the tension between them. At times, he just wanted to slide in bed behind Chris and hold him. Like he did back in Oz, just wrap his arms around him and held him close. Of course the other inmates saw them and had their laugh, but Toby didn’t care. He wanted to feel his heartbeat. At least he knew he was still alive. When Chris died, he had to hold himself since he had nothing to live for. Everyone around him was gone and it was just him.
Toby never felt so alone in his life. Ten years of loneliness. Ten years of bitterness. Ten years of blaming Chris when it was his own fault. But he did it out of…love.
Toby shivered at the thought. He wanted to hate Chris, but he failed. He’s tired of their game. For once, he wanted peace between them, the love they once shared.
Toby looked at his own trembling hands before he stared at Chris’ back. Why can’t it ever be easy for them? Can they ever be happy without suffering?
“Do you think we will ever be satisfy, Chris?” He asked.
Chris raised his head but didn’t turn around to face him.
“What do you think?”
Toby paused as he gathered his thoughts. He prayed he doesn’t screw it up.
“When I was on death row, I thought of scenarios of what it would be like to live a different life. I thought about us before …you know. I thought about us living on the beach, with my kids. You would own a boat-”
Chris snickered. At least they were going to a right direction.
“-or a motorcycle. I would move my father’s law firm out of the city; so I can be close to my kids. You own some kind of auto repair business and my kids would like you. I know you will like them too.”
“If they are somethin’ like their father, I know I will like them.” Chris faced Toby.
Toby took a deep breath and continued.
“We would make a good home. You cooking on the grill since you’re good with your hands. I will be in my office doing paper work. I know this sounds domestic but I always thought we could form a life like that. We act like a married couple-”
“Minus the killin’, backstabbin’, and yellin’,” Chris laughed.
Toby chuckled.
“Minus that. We could be a family, you , me and the kids. No one to hurt us, expect ourselves. Just us, sitting on the beach, looking at the waves-”
“Fuckin’ on the sand.”
“Not in front of my children.”
“But we’ll wait when they go to bed and then fuc-make love on the beach,” Chris smirked, “You know that’s been one of my fantasies: to see you lying on the sand, naked, the sun shining on you. Your skin is tanned and beautiful, makes me hard just thinkin’ about it. Kissin’, suckin’ you until you come.”
Toby readjusted his pants, hoping to keep those thoughts at the back of his mind.
“You are a hopeless romantic, Chris. This is what I’m talking about. Can we be happy together without the bullshit drama? Can we just have a normal relationship?”
Chris shrugged.
“Normalcy is so overrated, Toby. Besides, we met in Oz and Oz is a fucked up place. Somethin’ will happen to make us hate and love each other again. I guess we can’t be happ-”
“We can. Maybe that’s why God put us in this ceil, to get us to see our ways and…”
“And?” Chris kneeled in front of him. His hand caressed Toby’s cheek. Desperately seeking some answer from Toby, hoping he wouldn’t shut down.
Toby balled his hand. He gave in, again. No matter what he does, he will give in to Chris. He hated how their game will continue until they crack. But…
But there were some lingeringly hope. What if God did set them up? Maybe death is their chance to start over again. They may not have the beach, Oz or Toby’s office but it was as close as they can get to their fairytale ending. All the years, Toby tried to bury his love for Chris, nonetheless, he couldn’t.
He bowed his head while Chris gently rubbed his neck.
“Toby…”
“I wanted to hate you, Chris. God knows I do.”
“Then hate me, but it wouldn’t stop me from loving you.” Chris closed the space between them. His hand rested on the back of Toby’s neck. His blue eyes held warmth and compassion which made Toby weep mentally. So many years had passed by and the love for Chris had grown. He can pretend to hate him. He can pretend to ignore him for the rest of his existence. Yet, he can never despise him.
“I can’t, Chris.” He looked up, meeting Chris’ eyes. For the first time, Toby actually looked at Chris. He missed him. Chris was like drugs: he knew it was bad for him, but he can never put it down. He always came back, looking for more.
Everything he did was for Chris. As sickening as it sounds, he will forever be indebted to him.
Toby closed his eyes and moaned. The soft touch of Chris’ fingers made him feel as close to security as he can. The intimacy he craved for ten years, despite the lies he told him to help him keep his hatred.
“Are you saying it because you’re tired of this? Or are you saying it because you…”
Toby shook his head, pressing his hand on Chris’ shoulder. Solid, real flesh and bones.
“I’m saying it because I love you. I wish things between us were different. I wish we didn’t meet in Oz,” Toby whispered. He could picture a future for them if they haven’t met in hell. Maybe they could have a chance. Them, growing old together and sharing their love without any interruption or prying eyes.
Chris smiled sadly.
“I wished that too, but we can’t change the past, Toby.”
“Do you think God want this for us? To play this cat and mouse games game until it eventually kill us?” Toby opened his eyes and watched the colors changed on Chris’ skin. No more ghostly pale but a fresh pink tone. He thought he would never see Chris’ skin glow.
Chris frowned.
“I think God had a different plan than this, but we’re fucked up.”
“I think this is his plan: for us to fuck up and then find each other. It’s sad we can’t have a grand finale since we had a hell ova three acts on earth.”
Chris chuckled.
“Who said we can’t have a grand finale, Toby?” He cupped both hands on each side of Toby’s face and pulled him close. “Let’s make it our finale. This is our heaven, you and me. No Vern. No Aryans. Nobody. It’s just us.”
“Heaven cannot separate us.”
“You bet your ass, baby.” Chris kissed him as Toby melted into his embrace.
Toby needed it. He missed it. The touch of Chris’ lips, his hands traveling over his body. He felt the security he longed from him the day he fell off the rail. He missed it so much. He pulled him closer, hoping this was not a dream.
It wasn’t. It was more real than the last sixteen years in Oz.
Suddenly, the thick metal door opens, revealing a beaming bright light.
Toby and Chris pulled away and stared at the light. They shield their eyes, as the warmth surrounded them. Toby looked at Chris who had a huge smile on his face. Maybe that’s why the door hadn’t opened. God worked in mysterious ways.
Chris hugged Toby, not wanting to let him go. Toby held unto him, feeling his heartbeat. This was his heaven and nothing will take that away from him.
“What do you think, Tobe? Should we go into the light? Maybe there are some half-naked women there for us.”
“You’re still a fucking dick.” He pushed him playfully.
“And you still love me, though,” Then his tone turned serious, “What if this is a trick? What if we are going into another purgatory?”
“At least we have each other, Chris,” Toby grinned, “Let’s go before God change His mind.”
Chris nodded and held his hand. Toby held onto it tightly as they looked at the light. Slowly, they walked towards it. As they got closer, Toby felt his body burn. The hot light blurred his vision, barely seeing anything. He still felt Chris’ hand which made the task bearable.
Time seemed to change as the wind pulled them through the tunnel of light. His body started to tear apart but he still held Chris’ hand for dear life. His vision began to fade as the light changed colors. White then blue then pink then blurring together. Everything spanned as Toby felt like a paper, tearing from one end to another. He was like air, there but invisible.
Toby didn’t know what was happening but he was ready to face the other side. With a loud bang, everything turned black.
“Tobias? Tobias! Oh my God, he’s awake. Oh Tobias! Thank you, God.”
Toby blinked a couple of times before he readjusted his sight. At first, everything was a blur until he saw the white walls, then the television hanging on the other side of the room. Soon his sense of smell came back and so did his hearing. Finally his vision came back but he realized he was not in purgatory, hell or heaven…
“Where’s Chris?”
Gen stared at Toby, confused.
“Are you okay, Tobias? Who’s Chris?”
Before Toby could continue, Gen interrupted him.
“I know the doctor told us you will not remember everything after the acc-”
“What accident?” Toby tried to raise his head but couldn’t. What the hell happened to him? Where’s Chris? Where are the fucking light and the thick door? Where the hell is he?
Gen sighed. She placed her hand on his shoulder.
“You hit a tree. You were trying to avoid hitting this little girl-”
“Did I hi-”
“No, you missed her. But you were in a coma for two years and…Tobias, I almost…I thought you were not going to…” Tears filled her eyes as Toby kept looking at her strangely.
So he did not hit Kathy Rockwell. He did not kill her. Then…Oz, Vern, Said…Chris were an illusion? They did not exist? They were just an imagination.
Chris didn’t…
Toby looked at the ceiling. He blocked out Gen’s crying as he tried his best not to cry too. Their kiss, their touch, their love…everything was false. He quivered, the anger rising inside him. Toby didn’t know what to think or feel. He can hear his brain screaming while his body remained still.
Toby didn’t know what was worse: his time in Oz and purgatory or knowing the fact Chris was not real?
“I have died everyday waiting for you. I have loved you for a thousand years…”
Toby closed his eyes and tilted his head to the side. He wished he was dead.