Advent Calendar Day Two - Hawaii Five-0 Ficlet: No Fu Manchu
Day One | Avalanche, Generation Kill, Brad/Nate, R, 400 words | for pjvilar
No Fu Manchu [Hawaii Five-0, Danny, Steve, PG, 803 words, for laceymcbain, prompt: 'is there anything Steve can't do?' Beta thanks to chicklet_girl.]
Danny rubs his chin with the hand that isn't gripping the passenger-door handle for dear life. His chin is bristly. Very bristly. "I'd damn well better get home in time to shave before Grace comes over." Hell, he'd better get home in time for her, period. No way he's letting his little girl down just because the bad guys have taken them on a chase all along the North Shore.
"What, she'll object to her dad looking like a homeless guy?" Steve asks.
"That, probably not so much. She's not old enough to get embarrassed by me yet. That's a joy I have yet to experience. Oh, yeah, looking forward to that." Danny is secretly terrified of Grace's approaching teen years. "But she won't kiss me hello if I'm unshaven. She'll complain I feel like sandpaper, and she'll giggle a lot, but I won't get my hello kiss." And that's unacceptable. It's bad enough he doesn't get a good-morning kiss and a good-night kiss each day. Missing out on a weekend hello kiss isn't gonna happen.
"Yeah, well, girls, they've got sensitive skin."
Danny looks across at Steve. He's been on this case the same amount of time as Danny - thirty-eight hours now, not that Danny's counting - but he still looks perfectly put together. And clean shaven. No way he's had time to shave, not at the pace they've been racing around the island.
Which makes Danny curious. "So, have you ever gone undercover with a Fu Manchu, or grown a playoff beard in college?"
"Nope." Steve turns onto Waialua Beach Road with a screech of rubber.
"Can you grow a beard?" Danny's gotten too used to car chases - he's barely using the conversation as a distraction from his life being in imminent danger.
Steve puts his foot down on the gas. He always puts his foot down when Danny says something he doesn't like - why can't he just lift his foot off the gas for once? That's an equally valid reaction, and a safer one too. "Why would you think that? No, really, why? Do I look like the kind of guy who can't grow facial hair?"
"Geez, it was just a simple question."
"No, it wasn't. It was a loaded remark aimed at piercing the deepest parts of my psyche."
Danny stares at him. There's just the slightest hint of a grin in the corner of Steve's mouth. "Ha ha. But the question still stands. Can you, or can you not, grow a beard?"
"Yes, in fact I can. And extremely well. I simply choose not to."
"So, basically, what you're saying is that there is nothing you can't do."
"No, I'm not saying that. I just don't go around telling people what I can't do."
"Worried about me knowing your weak spots, huh? Or are you worried I won't respect you if I learn that you do actually have a weak spot?"
Steve sighs, like he's being put-upon. "If you must know, it's like those interviews where celebrities get asked what their least favorite part of their body is. The smart ones say something inane like their left toe or their eyebrows, but there are always some who'll admit to disliking their shoulders because they're too broad or too narrow, or their nose because it's too big. So every time you see that celebrity, all you notice is their big nose or their massive shoulders. If I admit to being bad at something, you'll fixate on it. You won't be able to help yourself."
"I won't."
"Yes, you really will."
"No, I won't."
"So, say for argument's sake I said I hate my ears, you're telling me that you wouldn't notice them any more than usual?"
"You hate your ears? Really? They look pretty ordinary to me. Or is that the problem? You can't have ordinary ears when you're a Navy SEAL, you have to have extraordinary ears. Ha, I bet that's it. You don't have supersonic hearing and there was someone on your SEAL team who did and it made you feel inferior and you've never recovered from that. Every time you have to strain to hear something, or miss a word, or have to ask someone to repeat themselves, you're painfully reminded that you're no more than human."
"Yeah, Danno, that's it," Steve says, dry as a nun's tea party. "You've got it in one."
"Perhaps you need a hearing aid," Danny says, pitching his voice lower and quieter than usual. "You know, if your hearing's getting really bad. Have you thought of that?"
"Pardon?" Steve says, and Danny's laughing when they screech to a halt and jump out, guns cocked. He's getting as crazy as his partner.
"I'll be sure to speak up, old man," Danny says, and runs into the thick of it right behind Steve.
//
No Fu Manchu [Hawaii Five-0, Danny, Steve, PG, 803 words, for laceymcbain, prompt: 'is there anything Steve can't do?' Beta thanks to chicklet_girl.]
Danny rubs his chin with the hand that isn't gripping the passenger-door handle for dear life. His chin is bristly. Very bristly. "I'd damn well better get home in time to shave before Grace comes over." Hell, he'd better get home in time for her, period. No way he's letting his little girl down just because the bad guys have taken them on a chase all along the North Shore.
"What, she'll object to her dad looking like a homeless guy?" Steve asks.
"That, probably not so much. She's not old enough to get embarrassed by me yet. That's a joy I have yet to experience. Oh, yeah, looking forward to that." Danny is secretly terrified of Grace's approaching teen years. "But she won't kiss me hello if I'm unshaven. She'll complain I feel like sandpaper, and she'll giggle a lot, but I won't get my hello kiss." And that's unacceptable. It's bad enough he doesn't get a good-morning kiss and a good-night kiss each day. Missing out on a weekend hello kiss isn't gonna happen.
"Yeah, well, girls, they've got sensitive skin."
Danny looks across at Steve. He's been on this case the same amount of time as Danny - thirty-eight hours now, not that Danny's counting - but he still looks perfectly put together. And clean shaven. No way he's had time to shave, not at the pace they've been racing around the island.
Which makes Danny curious. "So, have you ever gone undercover with a Fu Manchu, or grown a playoff beard in college?"
"Nope." Steve turns onto Waialua Beach Road with a screech of rubber.
"Can you grow a beard?" Danny's gotten too used to car chases - he's barely using the conversation as a distraction from his life being in imminent danger.
Steve puts his foot down on the gas. He always puts his foot down when Danny says something he doesn't like - why can't he just lift his foot off the gas for once? That's an equally valid reaction, and a safer one too. "Why would you think that? No, really, why? Do I look like the kind of guy who can't grow facial hair?"
"Geez, it was just a simple question."
"No, it wasn't. It was a loaded remark aimed at piercing the deepest parts of my psyche."
Danny stares at him. There's just the slightest hint of a grin in the corner of Steve's mouth. "Ha ha. But the question still stands. Can you, or can you not, grow a beard?"
"Yes, in fact I can. And extremely well. I simply choose not to."
"So, basically, what you're saying is that there is nothing you can't do."
"No, I'm not saying that. I just don't go around telling people what I can't do."
"Worried about me knowing your weak spots, huh? Or are you worried I won't respect you if I learn that you do actually have a weak spot?"
Steve sighs, like he's being put-upon. "If you must know, it's like those interviews where celebrities get asked what their least favorite part of their body is. The smart ones say something inane like their left toe or their eyebrows, but there are always some who'll admit to disliking their shoulders because they're too broad or too narrow, or their nose because it's too big. So every time you see that celebrity, all you notice is their big nose or their massive shoulders. If I admit to being bad at something, you'll fixate on it. You won't be able to help yourself."
"I won't."
"Yes, you really will."
"No, I won't."
"So, say for argument's sake I said I hate my ears, you're telling me that you wouldn't notice them any more than usual?"
"You hate your ears? Really? They look pretty ordinary to me. Or is that the problem? You can't have ordinary ears when you're a Navy SEAL, you have to have extraordinary ears. Ha, I bet that's it. You don't have supersonic hearing and there was someone on your SEAL team who did and it made you feel inferior and you've never recovered from that. Every time you have to strain to hear something, or miss a word, or have to ask someone to repeat themselves, you're painfully reminded that you're no more than human."
"Yeah, Danno, that's it," Steve says, dry as a nun's tea party. "You've got it in one."
"Perhaps you need a hearing aid," Danny says, pitching his voice lower and quieter than usual. "You know, if your hearing's getting really bad. Have you thought of that?"
"Pardon?" Steve says, and Danny's laughing when they screech to a halt and jump out, guns cocked. He's getting as crazy as his partner.
"I'll be sure to speak up, old man," Danny says, and runs into the thick of it right behind Steve.
//