Shut Your Eyes - Chapter Eleven
Title: Shut Your Eyes
Authors: goten0040 and garnetice
Chapter: 11
Rating: M
Ship(s): Kendall/James, Carlos/Stephanie, maybe more.
Summary: Future!Fic. Kendall returns to L.A. six years after Big Time Rush disbanded. James has been missing for years. Imagine how things change when James reappears in his life. And he needs help.
Chapter Eleven
“So tell me something.”
Katie and I had decided to spend the rest of the evening walking on the beach, and she was even holding my hand as the sun began to set. Logan had gotten a call on his phone - we both thought it might have been from Camille - and had to jet off to some event that we were clearly not invited to. So he grabbed a taxi and it was just us. But it was okay, because it had been a long time since I had really talked to my baby sister, and she had done a pretty good job of cheering me up.
“Shoot.”
“What really happened to your face?”
Then again, her bluntness could be pretty rough.
“What?”
“Your face. You know, that ugly thing on the front of your head? What happened to it?”
The bruises hadn’t really faded from where James’ fists had landed on my face and neck. But I had fed her the same excuse I’d fed everyone else, and I thought that would have been the end of it. Then again, it was Katie. I nudged her. “I told you. I got mugged.”
“I know that’s what you told me, but I asked you what really happened.” She swung her heels absently in her hand as the surf collided with her delicate ankles, the wind blowing her chestnut hair every which way. “I know you, bro. You don’t get mugged and come back looking like that. I don’t care if it’s Hells Angels doing it.”
I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close, sighing. “Why do you have to be so observant? Do I have to talk about this?”
“Yes. You do. So spill.”
“Well, promise not to tell.”
“I’m your sister, Kendall. I’m way better at keeping secrets than you, too.”
“Promise.”
“Okay, I promise.”
We strolled over to a small, somewhat shaded alcove that had been trampled through the day’s events, but it was comfortably cool and a perfect little spot to nestle in.
“I.... Well… James did it. James beat me up.”
“James? Really? You got beat up by… by that princess?”
I gave her a flat look. “I know how observant you are, and I’m positive you’ve already gotten Logan to spill that James isn’t such a princess anymore.”
The corners of her mouth turned down slightly and she nodded. “Yeah. I heard. Why did you lie to Logan and Carlos?”
“Because they didn’t know I found him again. I didn’t want them to. I mean… I wanted to try to fix him… before they saw him again.”
“That’s just like you, big brother. Trying to save the world in twenty-four hours. You’re not Jack Bauer you know.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Jack Bauer’d be a much more badass brother.”
“Shut up.”
She chuckled. “So James beat you up, huh? Hope you got a few good hits in.”
“Yeah. I don’t really know what happened. We both just… flew into this… rage. I think I had the upper hand until he got his hands around my neck.”
Katie drew her knees up, wiggling her toes in the sand and gazing off into the sunset. “Well, James is messed up, Kendall. You don’t need to get into stuff like that. I watched that shit destroy one of my clients. I had to drop him. I just couldn’t watch him do it anymore.”
“Yeah, you told me about that awhile back. I thought you were even going to cry.”
“Pffft, I don’t cry.”
“I know.”
“But, bro, he tried to choke you. That’s not good. That’s bad. That’s scary bad.” Katie wasn’t one to get scared, but looking at her at that moment, I could tell that she was genuinely worried about my life. God… worried about my life? It was a little weird to think I’d allowed myself to fall into such a bad situation that people had to do that.
“Yeah, I know. Something just… snapped.”
“He’s not stable. He’s not stable at all.”
I nodded, lost for words. I was a little irritated. She was reminding me all over again why I was in a funk in the first place.
“So why are you doing it? Why are you trying to save him?”
“Are you kidding? Katie, he’s my best friend. I love him. Of course I’m going to try.”
“But from what I’ve heard, he’s not exactly the James Diamond you know and love.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s not still in there!” I argued, feeling my defenses flying up.
“Woaaah, calm down there, brother. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying… to be careful. For mom’s sake at least. You’re lucky she didn’t see you like this. She’d be freaking the fuck out.”
“She always does,” I sighed. “Even when I get beat up at hockey games, she always thinks I’m dying.”
“You love it.”
“I do.”
Katie leaned her head into the crook of my neck. “Man… it’s been way too long since I last saw you. You know that?”
“Yeah, I do. I missed you.”
“Don’t get all sappy.”
“You started it.”
Katie laced her fingers with mine, and suddenly I felt like I was holding her hand as a child again, after Dad had left. She had leaned on me for support then, and grown to be a stronger pillar than I ever thought I could be. Yet, here she was, still leaning on me, a young woman, just wanting to be with her brother.
“I have another question.” She pulled away and looked me in the eye, sitting cross-legged in the sand. “It’s a big one. Think you can handle it?”
I wanted to say no. “You’re not asking me to give my blessing for you to get married are you?”
“What? No. Fuck that. Now, seriously.”
“Okay, okay. Go ahead.”
“Kendall…” her voice dropped as if we were being overheard. “…Are you gay?”
My jaw nearly dropped off its hinges. My head spun violently with the revelation that, fuck yes, Katie was observant. I blinked a few times, trying to digest the question and calm my suddenly quaking nerves in order to answer her.
“Wh-why do you ask?”
“Look, I know you probably haven’t told anyone, not even Mom. And I know she’d support you and whatever, but I get why you didn’t. I could be totally off-base, but I don’t think so.”
I swallowed thickly, feeling nauseous. “Jo… never said anything to you, did she?”
Katie shook her head. “No. When I asked why you guys broke up back then, all she said was that it was complicated and walked away. So, really. Are you gay?”
“…” I really, really didn’t want to answer her. But it was Katie. My baby sister. My all-knowing baby sister. My all-knowing, crazily clever, violent, baby sister. “Yes.”
“Knew it,” she said, and she sounded so proud that I wanted to bury myself in the sand and never come back out.
“Why does it matter?” I groaned into my hand, smashing it into my reddened face.
“I don’t think it really does matter. I was just curious.” Something told me she wasn’t telling the whole truth, but I was too embarrassed to pry. I guess, deep down, I felt a little better though, knowing someone else besides Jo Taylor knew. “So did you tell Jo? Is that what happened?”
“What’s with the Q&A? You got what you wanted, can’t you just let me have a little privacy?” I was beginning to feel like I was being interviewed.
“Okay, okay.” Katie went back to lying on me, her hair flying back with the wind and tickling my neck. “But listen, okay? I know you want to save the world, but… I don’t know. Drugs are hardcore, Kendall. Don’t get too caught up. You can’t save everyone.”
“Yeah, but it’s James, Katie.” And that was just it. It was James. That was why I absolutely, positively, couldn’t let it go. And it wasn’t because I was gay, and it wasn’t because I wanted to be a hero, it was because it was James. This wasn’t just some junkie on the street. It was the boy I grew up with, played hockey with, watched laugh, cry, dance, sing, and really do everything. We’d experienced everything together. And now he’d gone down a completely different path and I was left dumbfounded, wondering how the hell he got there.
How the hell we all got to where we were.
I felt Katie’s hand rub up and down my back. “I know, bro. I know.”
…
When I Katie dropped me off, she put her arms around my neck and held me there for a long time, a comforting, sisterly gesture that left me feeling warm, but a little hollow when she finally let go. I dragged myself back to my apartment and collapsed onto the bed, my hands and feet still dry and gritty from walking in the sand, and my nose stinging with sunburn. The apartment felt enormous and empty and quiet. I briefly thought of going to visit with Carlos or Mom again, but I didn’t really feel like moving after a long day of walking and having fun with Logan and Katie. So I laid there, flat on my mattress, staring at the ceiling and waiting for something to happen.
Nothing did.
So after about an hour of lying there, and maybe one where I drifted off to sleep, I rolled off the mattress and headed to the bathroom to wash the sand off me. I saw the blood stain on the carpet from our fight and tried to ignore it. I saw his clothes lying in a heap on my bathroom floor and I tried to ignore it. I saw the syringe on the floor.
It was unused.
I threw it in the trash and sat on the tub, my head in my hands. It was aching again. How was it possible that I ached for James when he was gone after such a fiasco? Normally someone would be through with a person, right? Maybe I’m a masochist. But I’d like to think that it was because I had failed and I never failed and I had a challenge in front of me that I had to defeat. I don’t know.
I showered, the water so hot it was almost blistering, especially on my sunburn, but I didn’t care.
Maybe it was time to give up. I probably couldn’t find James anyway, and I didn’t think he’d be coming back around any time soon. Maybe Katie was right. Maybe I couldn’t save the world. I wasn’t Jack Bauer. I was just Kendall Knight. And I hardly knew who I was. The buzzer went off and I trudged over to it.
“Yes?”
“Kendall Knight?”
“Yes, I’m Kendall Knight.”
“Katie Knight sent me. May I come up? She sent a note too.”
When I opened the door, a somewhat thin, young-looking, rockstar type boy stood on the other side. He had a long mane of black hair and eyes that seemed to go on forever. He flashed me a smile full of too-white teeth and leaned in close, his cologne fill my nostrils in an almost intoxicatingly peppery scent.
“Ooh, you’re cuter than I thought you’d be. So how do you want this to go?” He began to mouth at my neck and I gasped, the hairs on the back of my arms standing on end. I knew I was lonely, but damn. I could feel the blood rushing from my head already.
“Woah, woah, woah! Wait a second,” I stammered, pulling away from him.
“What? She didn’t tell you?” He sighed. “Here.” He handed me the note.
Before I opened it, I had figured out what she’d done. Half of me really didn’t want to believe she had the gall to do it, but damn, the rest of me knew she definitely did. It was her way of being nice. Katie had taken advantage of learning my sexuality and decided to send me a male escort. Oh God. I looked at the note.
Hey, bro. Cheer up. Thought you might be lonely. Enjoy. XoXo, Katie.
“Damn it, Katie.” I grumbled.
Well… I was lonely. And he smelled amazing. And he was… well, he was there.
I slept with him.
I just figured I needed it. Maybe it would take my mind off James.
But it didn’t. Actually, all it did was exacerbate my thoughts.
Authors: goten0040 and garnetice
Chapter: 11
Rating: M
Ship(s): Kendall/James, Carlos/Stephanie, maybe more.
Summary: Future!Fic. Kendall returns to L.A. six years after Big Time Rush disbanded. James has been missing for years. Imagine how things change when James reappears in his life. And he needs help.
Chapter Eleven
“So tell me something.”
Katie and I had decided to spend the rest of the evening walking on the beach, and she was even holding my hand as the sun began to set. Logan had gotten a call on his phone - we both thought it might have been from Camille - and had to jet off to some event that we were clearly not invited to. So he grabbed a taxi and it was just us. But it was okay, because it had been a long time since I had really talked to my baby sister, and she had done a pretty good job of cheering me up.
“Shoot.”
“What really happened to your face?”
Then again, her bluntness could be pretty rough.
“What?”
“Your face. You know, that ugly thing on the front of your head? What happened to it?”
The bruises hadn’t really faded from where James’ fists had landed on my face and neck. But I had fed her the same excuse I’d fed everyone else, and I thought that would have been the end of it. Then again, it was Katie. I nudged her. “I told you. I got mugged.”
“I know that’s what you told me, but I asked you what really happened.” She swung her heels absently in her hand as the surf collided with her delicate ankles, the wind blowing her chestnut hair every which way. “I know you, bro. You don’t get mugged and come back looking like that. I don’t care if it’s Hells Angels doing it.”
I put my arm around her shoulders and pulled her in close, sighing. “Why do you have to be so observant? Do I have to talk about this?”
“Yes. You do. So spill.”
“Well, promise not to tell.”
“I’m your sister, Kendall. I’m way better at keeping secrets than you, too.”
“Promise.”
“Okay, I promise.”
We strolled over to a small, somewhat shaded alcove that had been trampled through the day’s events, but it was comfortably cool and a perfect little spot to nestle in.
“I.... Well… James did it. James beat me up.”
“James? Really? You got beat up by… by that princess?”
I gave her a flat look. “I know how observant you are, and I’m positive you’ve already gotten Logan to spill that James isn’t such a princess anymore.”
The corners of her mouth turned down slightly and she nodded. “Yeah. I heard. Why did you lie to Logan and Carlos?”
“Because they didn’t know I found him again. I didn’t want them to. I mean… I wanted to try to fix him… before they saw him again.”
“That’s just like you, big brother. Trying to save the world in twenty-four hours. You’re not Jack Bauer you know.”
“Yeah, I know.”
“Jack Bauer’d be a much more badass brother.”
“Shut up.”
She chuckled. “So James beat you up, huh? Hope you got a few good hits in.”
“Yeah. I don’t really know what happened. We both just… flew into this… rage. I think I had the upper hand until he got his hands around my neck.”
Katie drew her knees up, wiggling her toes in the sand and gazing off into the sunset. “Well, James is messed up, Kendall. You don’t need to get into stuff like that. I watched that shit destroy one of my clients. I had to drop him. I just couldn’t watch him do it anymore.”
“Yeah, you told me about that awhile back. I thought you were even going to cry.”
“Pffft, I don’t cry.”
“I know.”
“But, bro, he tried to choke you. That’s not good. That’s bad. That’s scary bad.” Katie wasn’t one to get scared, but looking at her at that moment, I could tell that she was genuinely worried about my life. God… worried about my life? It was a little weird to think I’d allowed myself to fall into such a bad situation that people had to do that.
“Yeah, I know. Something just… snapped.”
“He’s not stable. He’s not stable at all.”
I nodded, lost for words. I was a little irritated. She was reminding me all over again why I was in a funk in the first place.
“So why are you doing it? Why are you trying to save him?”
“Are you kidding? Katie, he’s my best friend. I love him. Of course I’m going to try.”
“But from what I’ve heard, he’s not exactly the James Diamond you know and love.”
“That doesn’t mean he’s not still in there!” I argued, feeling my defenses flying up.
“Woaaah, calm down there, brother. I’m not saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying… to be careful. For mom’s sake at least. You’re lucky she didn’t see you like this. She’d be freaking the fuck out.”
“She always does,” I sighed. “Even when I get beat up at hockey games, she always thinks I’m dying.”
“You love it.”
“I do.”
Katie leaned her head into the crook of my neck. “Man… it’s been way too long since I last saw you. You know that?”
“Yeah, I do. I missed you.”
“Don’t get all sappy.”
“You started it.”
Katie laced her fingers with mine, and suddenly I felt like I was holding her hand as a child again, after Dad had left. She had leaned on me for support then, and grown to be a stronger pillar than I ever thought I could be. Yet, here she was, still leaning on me, a young woman, just wanting to be with her brother.
“I have another question.” She pulled away and looked me in the eye, sitting cross-legged in the sand. “It’s a big one. Think you can handle it?”
I wanted to say no. “You’re not asking me to give my blessing for you to get married are you?”
“What? No. Fuck that. Now, seriously.”
“Okay, okay. Go ahead.”
“Kendall…” her voice dropped as if we were being overheard. “…Are you gay?”
My jaw nearly dropped off its hinges. My head spun violently with the revelation that, fuck yes, Katie was observant. I blinked a few times, trying to digest the question and calm my suddenly quaking nerves in order to answer her.
“Wh-why do you ask?”
“Look, I know you probably haven’t told anyone, not even Mom. And I know she’d support you and whatever, but I get why you didn’t. I could be totally off-base, but I don’t think so.”
I swallowed thickly, feeling nauseous. “Jo… never said anything to you, did she?”
Katie shook her head. “No. When I asked why you guys broke up back then, all she said was that it was complicated and walked away. So, really. Are you gay?”
“…” I really, really didn’t want to answer her. But it was Katie. My baby sister. My all-knowing baby sister. My all-knowing, crazily clever, violent, baby sister. “Yes.”
“Knew it,” she said, and she sounded so proud that I wanted to bury myself in the sand and never come back out.
“Why does it matter?” I groaned into my hand, smashing it into my reddened face.
“I don’t think it really does matter. I was just curious.” Something told me she wasn’t telling the whole truth, but I was too embarrassed to pry. I guess, deep down, I felt a little better though, knowing someone else besides Jo Taylor knew. “So did you tell Jo? Is that what happened?”
“What’s with the Q&A? You got what you wanted, can’t you just let me have a little privacy?” I was beginning to feel like I was being interviewed.
“Okay, okay.” Katie went back to lying on me, her hair flying back with the wind and tickling my neck. “But listen, okay? I know you want to save the world, but… I don’t know. Drugs are hardcore, Kendall. Don’t get too caught up. You can’t save everyone.”
“Yeah, but it’s James, Katie.” And that was just it. It was James. That was why I absolutely, positively, couldn’t let it go. And it wasn’t because I was gay, and it wasn’t because I wanted to be a hero, it was because it was James. This wasn’t just some junkie on the street. It was the boy I grew up with, played hockey with, watched laugh, cry, dance, sing, and really do everything. We’d experienced everything together. And now he’d gone down a completely different path and I was left dumbfounded, wondering how the hell he got there.
How the hell we all got to where we were.
I felt Katie’s hand rub up and down my back. “I know, bro. I know.”
…
When I Katie dropped me off, she put her arms around my neck and held me there for a long time, a comforting, sisterly gesture that left me feeling warm, but a little hollow when she finally let go. I dragged myself back to my apartment and collapsed onto the bed, my hands and feet still dry and gritty from walking in the sand, and my nose stinging with sunburn. The apartment felt enormous and empty and quiet. I briefly thought of going to visit with Carlos or Mom again, but I didn’t really feel like moving after a long day of walking and having fun with Logan and Katie. So I laid there, flat on my mattress, staring at the ceiling and waiting for something to happen.
Nothing did.
So after about an hour of lying there, and maybe one where I drifted off to sleep, I rolled off the mattress and headed to the bathroom to wash the sand off me. I saw the blood stain on the carpet from our fight and tried to ignore it. I saw his clothes lying in a heap on my bathroom floor and I tried to ignore it. I saw the syringe on the floor.
It was unused.
I threw it in the trash and sat on the tub, my head in my hands. It was aching again. How was it possible that I ached for James when he was gone after such a fiasco? Normally someone would be through with a person, right? Maybe I’m a masochist. But I’d like to think that it was because I had failed and I never failed and I had a challenge in front of me that I had to defeat. I don’t know.
I showered, the water so hot it was almost blistering, especially on my sunburn, but I didn’t care.
Maybe it was time to give up. I probably couldn’t find James anyway, and I didn’t think he’d be coming back around any time soon. Maybe Katie was right. Maybe I couldn’t save the world. I wasn’t Jack Bauer. I was just Kendall Knight. And I hardly knew who I was. The buzzer went off and I trudged over to it.
“Yes?”
“Kendall Knight?”
“Yes, I’m Kendall Knight.”
“Katie Knight sent me. May I come up? She sent a note too.”
When I opened the door, a somewhat thin, young-looking, rockstar type boy stood on the other side. He had a long mane of black hair and eyes that seemed to go on forever. He flashed me a smile full of too-white teeth and leaned in close, his cologne fill my nostrils in an almost intoxicatingly peppery scent.
“Ooh, you’re cuter than I thought you’d be. So how do you want this to go?” He began to mouth at my neck and I gasped, the hairs on the back of my arms standing on end. I knew I was lonely, but damn. I could feel the blood rushing from my head already.
“Woah, woah, woah! Wait a second,” I stammered, pulling away from him.
“What? She didn’t tell you?” He sighed. “Here.” He handed me the note.
Before I opened it, I had figured out what she’d done. Half of me really didn’t want to believe she had the gall to do it, but damn, the rest of me knew she definitely did. It was her way of being nice. Katie had taken advantage of learning my sexuality and decided to send me a male escort. Oh God. I looked at the note.
Hey, bro. Cheer up. Thought you might be lonely. Enjoy. XoXo, Katie.
“Damn it, Katie.” I grumbled.
Well… I was lonely. And he smelled amazing. And he was… well, he was there.
I slept with him.
I just figured I needed it. Maybe it would take my mind off James.
But it didn’t. Actually, all it did was exacerbate my thoughts.