Unexpected Destinies Chapter 157
Title: Unexpected Destinies
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU, slash
Word Count: 3,377
Summary: Raphael thinks about demons, Hell and his Father.
PRESENT
Raphael loved watching Michael work. His oldest brother had always had a certain effortlessness and grace to most of what he did that had fascinated him from the very moment of his own creation. Indeed, the times where he could recall Michael struggling with something were few and far in-between. It was probably for the best as those memories tended to not be particularly pleasant ones that he enjoyed recalling.
Michael's present task was one the few exceptions to that rule, though. What his brother did now was not effortless or graceful, but Raphael still couldn't help but admire the sheer confidence and certainty with which Michael went about his task. It was not something that his brother did often- had hardly ever done before actually- so he'd deliberately ensured that he could observe as much of it as possible this time, not knowing when (or indeed even if) he would ever be able to do so again. It wasn't that Michael's current task was so difficult as to hopelessly strain his brother (though it definitely was not something that he thought even another archangel could achieve, with the one possible exception of Lucifer once upon a time, though not anymore), but rather that there was usually no point in doing it.
Now, however, there was. Raziel's spell required the results of it; the tears of a demon.
Raphael moved forwards slightly to better see the demon that his brother had chosen to work on. He didn't think that there was anything particularly special about the demon and he actually believed that lesser demons were better, as the ones that were important enough to be known by name or to have distinguished themselves from the masses were generally more evil. Not only would that make the task far more difficult to achieve, but it would also mean that the demon was far less worthy of it. Not that he believed that any demons were actually worthy of receiving this honor, hence the reason that Michael almost never performed his current task. The first time that his brother had done it was simply to see if it was even possible.
They'd needed to know if souls demonized by Lucifer could still be saved by Michael.
It turned out that they could, if only through extreme effort and concentration on his oldest brother's part. Raphael could easily recall his joy and pride when Michael had first achieved it. The process of giving a damned soul salvation- of saving it from the taint and ruination of Hell- was a miraculous event and one that had been celebrated throughout Heaven. Though no one had been willing to utter it, most had feared that even Father's firstborn would not have been able to save a demonized soul.
The debate of whether the damned actually deserved such salvation had started soon afterwards and Raphael's initial views on the matter had never wavered during those discussions. He'd always been of the opinion that those souls which allowed themselves to fall to darkness and be demonized didn't deserve a second chance. They'd had the opportunity to live right and gain entry into Heaven and they had squandered it in one way or another. It wasn't until very recently, with Castiel offering Dean as an example, that he'd begun to doubt his strong convictions on the issue. What his little brother had told him about the state of his new bond brother's soul in Hell gnawed at him.
To think of Dean, a soul so unbelievably bright as to awe even him, as demonized was almost painful for Raphael. His immediate reaction had been that his new bond brother didn't deserve to be in Hell, that Dean had only come to be there because of a deal he'd made with a crossroads demon, but he knew that the way a soul got into Hell made absolutely no difference to what happened to it once it was there. The end result was the same regardless of whether or not the soul actually deserved to be in Hell in the first place.
His train of thought made Raphael shift uncomfortably, which only served to make him feel even more disturbed than he already was. It was such a human reaction and while he no longer viewed humans with either the condescension or disgust that he had before, it was still perturbing to find himself acting or reacting like one of them. Dean had clearly been a greater influence on him than he'd realized. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing given how Father had clearly favored the changes that his new bond brother had wrought within Castiel, but what did that mean for all the rest that he now felt?
Because for the first time since his creation, Raphael was feeling doubt.
Doubt in the Plan, doubt in the way that things were and doubt about Hell. If Hell damned indiscriminately, then Raphael would have wanted it so that only those who truly deserved to be there could get in and not also those who were merely guilty of trying to be noble and brave. The fact that it wasn't like that was the source of his doubt and he wasn't sure of how to either feel about that or deal with it.
Instead of attempting to do either, Raphael returned his attention to his brother once more. Michael had been fully focused on the demon and his task, but he could tell that his brother was starting to pull back, probably to take a short break. Though it wasn't crippling for Michael, the process did seem to drain his brother and Michael was wisely taking his time and spacing it out. Now, however, they were getting close as the demon tears were required in the potion to be administered this very evening. He wasn't going to ask, though, as he knew that Michael was well aware of this fact.
His brother was close, very close, as the taint to the demon was already significantly less than before and Raphael knew that it wouldn't take much more before Michael would be able to make the soul see all that it had lost by damning itself. It was at that point, where they saw the Light of Heaven and truly realized all that they had forsaken and lost, that the demons cried.
"You are upset, Brother," Michael stated as he came to stand beside him.
Raphael felt a little annoyed with himself that he had allowed that to slip when his brother had better things to focus on, but he knew better than to believe that he could distract Michael now, at least outright. "I have been... thinking about something."
"They must be weighty thoughts indeed to have upset you so."
A glance at his brother showed that Michael wasn't fooled in the least and Raphael wondered why he ever even bothered anymore. Both Gabriel and Jophiel had always told him that stubbornness was his greatest flaw, though, so he supposed that was why he kept trying. "I was thinking of Hell. Do you believe that we should do this more? Save the damned?"
"It would not work for the worst of the demons, or I do not think that it would. At least not those beyond a certain level of strength or taint. Besides, I would not be able to keep up with the rate at which demons are created."
"No, I suppose you are right, Brother."
Michael seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking. "A few months ago Dean was asking me about Hell as well."
"Oh? What about it?"
"He was questioning why Father allowed it to exist at all."
Something about the way Michael that said it made Raphael look at his brother sharply. No, it couldn't be, could it? Was Michael doubting? If his eldest brother- Father's firstborn- was doing so, then was there any of his siblings left who wouldn't do so if given enough time and incentive? He had to fight off the instinctive reaction to cry out against the mere idea of such behavior, even if he was experiencing it himself. It still tasted and felt like rebellion and failure to him.
"You no longer feel that you know the answer to that," Raphael finally stated.
"No, I do not."
The silence was heavy and Raphael wished to flee, but he knew that this was something that they had to confront. All of his life, since the very moment of his creation, he'd never questioned that entertaining these kinds of thoughts was blasphemy and a crime punishable by the severest of sentences. Once that would have been right as he had seen it transpire with his own two eyes, but now, however, now everything seemed to have changed. Instead of being punished, those who doubted and questioned were rewarded while those who acted as before were punished.
Raphael wished that Father would simply tell them what it was that He wanted of them. They would gladly obey.
"What are we supposed to do, Michael?" Raphael finally asked.
"What we are. What is right."
"But how do we know what is right?"
"I do not believe we can know that for certain," Michael replied heavily. "I believe that we must decide for ourselves what we think is right and then act upon it."
The mere idea frightened Raphael to his very core. "You are speaking of free will."
"Yes, I am."
"But..."
Michael turned to look at him and Raphael took strength from his brother's gaze. They had stood together and fought together and he would follow his brother anywhere, had followed him here to this point after it appeared that Father had forsaken them and he wouldn't stop doing so now, difficult though the path may seem.
"I know, Brother, I know," Michael said softly. "But we are not alone."
With those words, Michael returned his attention to the demon and Raphael stayed to watch, pondering his brother's words and the path before them.
/
It wasn't until Kelly jumped and shrieked that Raphael remembered that normal humans were unable to hear his wings and therefore know that he had arrived. He had become far too used to his new bond brother being able to do so that he had inadvertently frightened the human he had come to see.
"My apologies," Raphael said, stepping back. "It was not my intention to scare you."
"You shouldn't sneak up on people like that," Kelly replied, a hand to her chest. "You'll frighten someone to death."
"That is not possible. You are not being serious."
Raphael could tell from the way that her lips twitched that he had said something amusing without intending to do so. It annoyed him slightly but also made him wonder if he would ever fully understand humans and the way that they utilized language. It often made no rational sense whatsoever.
"Well you could scare someone into having a heart attack."
"Your heart is not susceptible to this at your current age."
"Ah, that's always good to know, I guess."
"You wished to speak with me?"
"I- Yes. The reverend and I have been speaking about what happened and what you told us and we want to help."
"Help?" Raphael questioned, startled.
"Yes. Surely you need all the help that you can get?"
"Neither of you is trained for combat or hunting."
"I know, but isn't there anything else that we can do?"
"Are you Catholic?"
"What? No, Protestant. Is that wrong?"
"Those distinctions are purely human, neither Father nor Heaven sees a difference. The only reason I ask is because the Catholic church is already aware of the Apocalypse. If you and the reverend truly wish to help, then you can do the most good by ensuring that all of your Protestant churches have adequate protections in place. Should anything overtly demonic happen in the area, that is where most people will flee to for protection."
"Okay. What do we need to do?"
"Consecrate the grounds. Though this will not stop all demons, it will keep the majority of them out. Then lay down salt lines where possible and Devil's Traps near the entrances," Raphael instructed, stopping to draw her an example of the latter. "This is what you need to draw."
"Does it have to be done with anything in particular?"
"No, but something permanent is preferable. I have seen Dean inscribe them on the bottom of rugs and doormats, thereby trapping the demons as they are crossing a room or seeking entrance."
"Good idea, thanks."
Raphael hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should bring it up, but he knew for a fact that Kelly had experience with what he was currently struggling with. And, unlike Dean, she was unlikely to figure out why he was questioning her on the matter.
"Kelly, when you doubted..." Raphael began uncertainly, trailing off.
"I don't! Not anymore, I promise, I-"
"That is not what I meant. I wished to know what you did- how you acted- and what you felt when you doubted."
Kelly frowned. "I don't understand."
"I wish to understand what it is like."
"Why?"
"The more I spend time with humans, the more I realize that I only understand you poorly. This has adversely impacted my ability to communicate with you."
Though all that he said was true, it was not the true reason for why he was asking and it made Raphael feel odd to deliberately perpetuate the deception he knew that Kelly Goodwin would take from this. He failed to see how anything good could come from it. Was that also something he had to learn to understand?
"Oh, okay," Kelly replied thoughtfully. "I suppose that the first thing I felt was betrayal."
"Betrayal? Why?"
"Because I had believed and had faith for so long that when I began to doubt, it felt like I'd been misled or lied to my whole life. It felt like everything that I had believed in was all for nothing. It made me feel empty."
"That is why you became angry, as a reaction to this perceived betrayal?"
"Yes. I know it was wrong, but it was better than feeling hurt or that I'd been stupid or naive enough to have been misled for so long."
"And now?"
"Now I feel embarrassed and ashamed," Kelly admitted wryly. "My faith was being tested and I failed, horribly."
"No, you did not."
"How could I not have? I doubted and blasphemed."
"But much of your sense of doubt and betrayal was based an erroneous information. Information that is not in line with what Father truly believes and thus you were right to question it."
"I thought having true faith was about never questioning anything."
Raphael frowned. "Who told you that?"
"I don't know, but it's not exactly an uncommon sentiment. Those who try to question or reason out God's plans are often told not to do so, to just take it all on faith."
"As I have said before, Kelly, there are a lot of inaccurate beliefs out there about my Father and what it truly means to believe and be faithful. Religion as you know it has become more of a human construction than anything Heavenly. What you need to know is this. Father created you along with everything else that you see around you, but he also gave you free will. He does not give such gifts lightly and when He gave humanity this particular one, it was with the expectation that you would utilize it."
"So what is the right way to act then?"
"That I cannot answer for you," Raphael replied. "What I can say now is that Dean Winchester, Father's Righteous Man and the one prophesized to help end this Apocalypse, has never been what anyone- human or angel- would call religious. He never had faith or even believed in Father's existence."
"He was an atheist?"
"Yes. Until he first met Castiel, Dean did not even believe in the existence of angels and I am told that it took him a while to accept it even then."
"So why was he chosen then?"
"Because he was righteous and noble, dedicating his life to helping others and fighting the evil that plagues you. And he did all of it without the ulterior motive of believing that it would earn him a place in Heaven when he died."
It was as he said the words that Raphael began to realize something else as well. A lot of what he had just described could be applied to Castiel as well. His little brother had acted on what Castiel had genuinely believed to be the right thing to do, despite what his brothers and sisters had been telling him. He knew from one talk which he'd had with the former Seraph that Castiel had gone beyond mere doubt during his quest to help the Winchesters to outright loss of faith in their Father but that hadn't truly resulted in his little brother abandoning his commitment to what Castiel had viewed as the right thing to do.
Was that what he was supposed to do? Did Father want them to prove to Him that they would follow through on what was right and just even without His guidance there to keep them on track and committed to the cause?
It was something for Raphael to think about, even if the very idea of being so separated from his Father's guidance and orders scared him.
/
This time when Raphael flew into the room he not only remembered that those present wouldn't immediately be aware of his presence, but he was counting on it as well. It was why he landed off to one side, in the direction that neither Sam Winchester nor his cousin Gwen Campbell were looking. Castiel had told him of the argument that had taken place between Dean and his brother the day after the first part of the spell and how much it had affected his new bond brother.
It had made Raphael want to fly off right away and teach the younger Winchester exactly what happened to those who treated his family in that manner but he had restrained himself, although only after Castiel had reminded him that regardless of what Sam Winchester had done, he was still Dean's brother and that Dean wouldn't want him to injure Sam. It had grated, but he had acquiesced, though he knew that he was not as restricted as Castiel about what he could and couldn't do to Sam. Although he wouldn't permanently injure or even hurt the foolish and ungrateful human, he would find ways to make life as difficult as possible for Sam Winchester until such a time as Dean personally requested that he stopped.
Raphael sincerely hoped that never happened.
He honestly couldn't say what he had expected to overhear by arriving in this manner and observing Sam Winchester without the human's knowledge, but it definitely wasn't what Raphael heard. The words and, more importantly, the manner and attitude with which they were said were so unexpected and yet so hauntingly familiar that it served to render him speechless. At first glance the conversation didn't seem all that important, merely an argument between two people who disagreed on something, but it was the subtext that made it so horrifically familiar to him and he couldn't quite believe it.
Now that it had occurred to him, though, Raphael couldn't believe that he hadn't thought about it before. Why wouldn't Dean's brother be affected like this? He'd witnessed firsthand that it was possible by seeing the exact same thing happen between Michael and his new bond brother ever since Dean had first said yes to his oldest brother several months ago. He'd naively thought that it was a phenomenon unique to them because he had never observed it before, but there was a perfectly reasonable and logical explanation for that.
Michael and Lucifer were different from all other angels when it came to the manner in which that they interacted with their vessels. So that was why he had never seen it in any other angel or vessel before.
Until now.
With Lucifer and Sam Winchester.
A.N.: For those of you who missed it, my Dean/Cas Reverse Bang fic Hell Rises with Him went up on Sunday. So that's 25k of dark Destiel goodness for anyone who wants to give demon!Dean a go.
And, yes, yes, I know, evil me for the ending of this chapter :D
Chapter 158
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: up to and including Exile on Main St., AU from the end of season 5
Warnings: AU, slash
Word Count: 3,377
Summary: Raphael thinks about demons, Hell and his Father.
PRESENT
Raphael loved watching Michael work. His oldest brother had always had a certain effortlessness and grace to most of what he did that had fascinated him from the very moment of his own creation. Indeed, the times where he could recall Michael struggling with something were few and far in-between. It was probably for the best as those memories tended to not be particularly pleasant ones that he enjoyed recalling.
Michael's present task was one the few exceptions to that rule, though. What his brother did now was not effortless or graceful, but Raphael still couldn't help but admire the sheer confidence and certainty with which Michael went about his task. It was not something that his brother did often- had hardly ever done before actually- so he'd deliberately ensured that he could observe as much of it as possible this time, not knowing when (or indeed even if) he would ever be able to do so again. It wasn't that Michael's current task was so difficult as to hopelessly strain his brother (though it definitely was not something that he thought even another archangel could achieve, with the one possible exception of Lucifer once upon a time, though not anymore), but rather that there was usually no point in doing it.
Now, however, there was. Raziel's spell required the results of it; the tears of a demon.
Raphael moved forwards slightly to better see the demon that his brother had chosen to work on. He didn't think that there was anything particularly special about the demon and he actually believed that lesser demons were better, as the ones that were important enough to be known by name or to have distinguished themselves from the masses were generally more evil. Not only would that make the task far more difficult to achieve, but it would also mean that the demon was far less worthy of it. Not that he believed that any demons were actually worthy of receiving this honor, hence the reason that Michael almost never performed his current task. The first time that his brother had done it was simply to see if it was even possible.
They'd needed to know if souls demonized by Lucifer could still be saved by Michael.
It turned out that they could, if only through extreme effort and concentration on his oldest brother's part. Raphael could easily recall his joy and pride when Michael had first achieved it. The process of giving a damned soul salvation- of saving it from the taint and ruination of Hell- was a miraculous event and one that had been celebrated throughout Heaven. Though no one had been willing to utter it, most had feared that even Father's firstborn would not have been able to save a demonized soul.
The debate of whether the damned actually deserved such salvation had started soon afterwards and Raphael's initial views on the matter had never wavered during those discussions. He'd always been of the opinion that those souls which allowed themselves to fall to darkness and be demonized didn't deserve a second chance. They'd had the opportunity to live right and gain entry into Heaven and they had squandered it in one way or another. It wasn't until very recently, with Castiel offering Dean as an example, that he'd begun to doubt his strong convictions on the issue. What his little brother had told him about the state of his new bond brother's soul in Hell gnawed at him.
To think of Dean, a soul so unbelievably bright as to awe even him, as demonized was almost painful for Raphael. His immediate reaction had been that his new bond brother didn't deserve to be in Hell, that Dean had only come to be there because of a deal he'd made with a crossroads demon, but he knew that the way a soul got into Hell made absolutely no difference to what happened to it once it was there. The end result was the same regardless of whether or not the soul actually deserved to be in Hell in the first place.
His train of thought made Raphael shift uncomfortably, which only served to make him feel even more disturbed than he already was. It was such a human reaction and while he no longer viewed humans with either the condescension or disgust that he had before, it was still perturbing to find himself acting or reacting like one of them. Dean had clearly been a greater influence on him than he'd realized. Which wasn't necessarily a bad thing given how Father had clearly favored the changes that his new bond brother had wrought within Castiel, but what did that mean for all the rest that he now felt?
Because for the first time since his creation, Raphael was feeling doubt.
Doubt in the Plan, doubt in the way that things were and doubt about Hell. If Hell damned indiscriminately, then Raphael would have wanted it so that only those who truly deserved to be there could get in and not also those who were merely guilty of trying to be noble and brave. The fact that it wasn't like that was the source of his doubt and he wasn't sure of how to either feel about that or deal with it.
Instead of attempting to do either, Raphael returned his attention to his brother once more. Michael had been fully focused on the demon and his task, but he could tell that his brother was starting to pull back, probably to take a short break. Though it wasn't crippling for Michael, the process did seem to drain his brother and Michael was wisely taking his time and spacing it out. Now, however, they were getting close as the demon tears were required in the potion to be administered this very evening. He wasn't going to ask, though, as he knew that Michael was well aware of this fact.
His brother was close, very close, as the taint to the demon was already significantly less than before and Raphael knew that it wouldn't take much more before Michael would be able to make the soul see all that it had lost by damning itself. It was at that point, where they saw the Light of Heaven and truly realized all that they had forsaken and lost, that the demons cried.
"You are upset, Brother," Michael stated as he came to stand beside him.
Raphael felt a little annoyed with himself that he had allowed that to slip when his brother had better things to focus on, but he knew better than to believe that he could distract Michael now, at least outright. "I have been... thinking about something."
"They must be weighty thoughts indeed to have upset you so."
A glance at his brother showed that Michael wasn't fooled in the least and Raphael wondered why he ever even bothered anymore. Both Gabriel and Jophiel had always told him that stubbornness was his greatest flaw, though, so he supposed that was why he kept trying. "I was thinking of Hell. Do you believe that we should do this more? Save the damned?"
"It would not work for the worst of the demons, or I do not think that it would. At least not those beyond a certain level of strength or taint. Besides, I would not be able to keep up with the rate at which demons are created."
"No, I suppose you are right, Brother."
Michael seemed to hesitate for a moment before speaking. "A few months ago Dean was asking me about Hell as well."
"Oh? What about it?"
"He was questioning why Father allowed it to exist at all."
Something about the way Michael that said it made Raphael look at his brother sharply. No, it couldn't be, could it? Was Michael doubting? If his eldest brother- Father's firstborn- was doing so, then was there any of his siblings left who wouldn't do so if given enough time and incentive? He had to fight off the instinctive reaction to cry out against the mere idea of such behavior, even if he was experiencing it himself. It still tasted and felt like rebellion and failure to him.
"You no longer feel that you know the answer to that," Raphael finally stated.
"No, I do not."
The silence was heavy and Raphael wished to flee, but he knew that this was something that they had to confront. All of his life, since the very moment of his creation, he'd never questioned that entertaining these kinds of thoughts was blasphemy and a crime punishable by the severest of sentences. Once that would have been right as he had seen it transpire with his own two eyes, but now, however, now everything seemed to have changed. Instead of being punished, those who doubted and questioned were rewarded while those who acted as before were punished.
Raphael wished that Father would simply tell them what it was that He wanted of them. They would gladly obey.
"What are we supposed to do, Michael?" Raphael finally asked.
"What we are. What is right."
"But how do we know what is right?"
"I do not believe we can know that for certain," Michael replied heavily. "I believe that we must decide for ourselves what we think is right and then act upon it."
The mere idea frightened Raphael to his very core. "You are speaking of free will."
"Yes, I am."
"But..."
Michael turned to look at him and Raphael took strength from his brother's gaze. They had stood together and fought together and he would follow his brother anywhere, had followed him here to this point after it appeared that Father had forsaken them and he wouldn't stop doing so now, difficult though the path may seem.
"I know, Brother, I know," Michael said softly. "But we are not alone."
With those words, Michael returned his attention to the demon and Raphael stayed to watch, pondering his brother's words and the path before them.
/
It wasn't until Kelly jumped and shrieked that Raphael remembered that normal humans were unable to hear his wings and therefore know that he had arrived. He had become far too used to his new bond brother being able to do so that he had inadvertently frightened the human he had come to see.
"My apologies," Raphael said, stepping back. "It was not my intention to scare you."
"You shouldn't sneak up on people like that," Kelly replied, a hand to her chest. "You'll frighten someone to death."
"That is not possible. You are not being serious."
Raphael could tell from the way that her lips twitched that he had said something amusing without intending to do so. It annoyed him slightly but also made him wonder if he would ever fully understand humans and the way that they utilized language. It often made no rational sense whatsoever.
"Well you could scare someone into having a heart attack."
"Your heart is not susceptible to this at your current age."
"Ah, that's always good to know, I guess."
"You wished to speak with me?"
"I- Yes. The reverend and I have been speaking about what happened and what you told us and we want to help."
"Help?" Raphael questioned, startled.
"Yes. Surely you need all the help that you can get?"
"Neither of you is trained for combat or hunting."
"I know, but isn't there anything else that we can do?"
"Are you Catholic?"
"What? No, Protestant. Is that wrong?"
"Those distinctions are purely human, neither Father nor Heaven sees a difference. The only reason I ask is because the Catholic church is already aware of the Apocalypse. If you and the reverend truly wish to help, then you can do the most good by ensuring that all of your Protestant churches have adequate protections in place. Should anything overtly demonic happen in the area, that is where most people will flee to for protection."
"Okay. What do we need to do?"
"Consecrate the grounds. Though this will not stop all demons, it will keep the majority of them out. Then lay down salt lines where possible and Devil's Traps near the entrances," Raphael instructed, stopping to draw her an example of the latter. "This is what you need to draw."
"Does it have to be done with anything in particular?"
"No, but something permanent is preferable. I have seen Dean inscribe them on the bottom of rugs and doormats, thereby trapping the demons as they are crossing a room or seeking entrance."
"Good idea, thanks."
Raphael hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should bring it up, but he knew for a fact that Kelly had experience with what he was currently struggling with. And, unlike Dean, she was unlikely to figure out why he was questioning her on the matter.
"Kelly, when you doubted..." Raphael began uncertainly, trailing off.
"I don't! Not anymore, I promise, I-"
"That is not what I meant. I wished to know what you did- how you acted- and what you felt when you doubted."
Kelly frowned. "I don't understand."
"I wish to understand what it is like."
"Why?"
"The more I spend time with humans, the more I realize that I only understand you poorly. This has adversely impacted my ability to communicate with you."
Though all that he said was true, it was not the true reason for why he was asking and it made Raphael feel odd to deliberately perpetuate the deception he knew that Kelly Goodwin would take from this. He failed to see how anything good could come from it. Was that also something he had to learn to understand?
"Oh, okay," Kelly replied thoughtfully. "I suppose that the first thing I felt was betrayal."
"Betrayal? Why?"
"Because I had believed and had faith for so long that when I began to doubt, it felt like I'd been misled or lied to my whole life. It felt like everything that I had believed in was all for nothing. It made me feel empty."
"That is why you became angry, as a reaction to this perceived betrayal?"
"Yes. I know it was wrong, but it was better than feeling hurt or that I'd been stupid or naive enough to have been misled for so long."
"And now?"
"Now I feel embarrassed and ashamed," Kelly admitted wryly. "My faith was being tested and I failed, horribly."
"No, you did not."
"How could I not have? I doubted and blasphemed."
"But much of your sense of doubt and betrayal was based an erroneous information. Information that is not in line with what Father truly believes and thus you were right to question it."
"I thought having true faith was about never questioning anything."
Raphael frowned. "Who told you that?"
"I don't know, but it's not exactly an uncommon sentiment. Those who try to question or reason out God's plans are often told not to do so, to just take it all on faith."
"As I have said before, Kelly, there are a lot of inaccurate beliefs out there about my Father and what it truly means to believe and be faithful. Religion as you know it has become more of a human construction than anything Heavenly. What you need to know is this. Father created you along with everything else that you see around you, but he also gave you free will. He does not give such gifts lightly and when He gave humanity this particular one, it was with the expectation that you would utilize it."
"So what is the right way to act then?"
"That I cannot answer for you," Raphael replied. "What I can say now is that Dean Winchester, Father's Righteous Man and the one prophesized to help end this Apocalypse, has never been what anyone- human or angel- would call religious. He never had faith or even believed in Father's existence."
"He was an atheist?"
"Yes. Until he first met Castiel, Dean did not even believe in the existence of angels and I am told that it took him a while to accept it even then."
"So why was he chosen then?"
"Because he was righteous and noble, dedicating his life to helping others and fighting the evil that plagues you. And he did all of it without the ulterior motive of believing that it would earn him a place in Heaven when he died."
It was as he said the words that Raphael began to realize something else as well. A lot of what he had just described could be applied to Castiel as well. His little brother had acted on what Castiel had genuinely believed to be the right thing to do, despite what his brothers and sisters had been telling him. He knew from one talk which he'd had with the former Seraph that Castiel had gone beyond mere doubt during his quest to help the Winchesters to outright loss of faith in their Father but that hadn't truly resulted in his little brother abandoning his commitment to what Castiel had viewed as the right thing to do.
Was that what he was supposed to do? Did Father want them to prove to Him that they would follow through on what was right and just even without His guidance there to keep them on track and committed to the cause?
It was something for Raphael to think about, even if the very idea of being so separated from his Father's guidance and orders scared him.
/
This time when Raphael flew into the room he not only remembered that those present wouldn't immediately be aware of his presence, but he was counting on it as well. It was why he landed off to one side, in the direction that neither Sam Winchester nor his cousin Gwen Campbell were looking. Castiel had told him of the argument that had taken place between Dean and his brother the day after the first part of the spell and how much it had affected his new bond brother.
It had made Raphael want to fly off right away and teach the younger Winchester exactly what happened to those who treated his family in that manner but he had restrained himself, although only after Castiel had reminded him that regardless of what Sam Winchester had done, he was still Dean's brother and that Dean wouldn't want him to injure Sam. It had grated, but he had acquiesced, though he knew that he was not as restricted as Castiel about what he could and couldn't do to Sam. Although he wouldn't permanently injure or even hurt the foolish and ungrateful human, he would find ways to make life as difficult as possible for Sam Winchester until such a time as Dean personally requested that he stopped.
Raphael sincerely hoped that never happened.
He honestly couldn't say what he had expected to overhear by arriving in this manner and observing Sam Winchester without the human's knowledge, but it definitely wasn't what Raphael heard. The words and, more importantly, the manner and attitude with which they were said were so unexpected and yet so hauntingly familiar that it served to render him speechless. At first glance the conversation didn't seem all that important, merely an argument between two people who disagreed on something, but it was the subtext that made it so horrifically familiar to him and he couldn't quite believe it.
Now that it had occurred to him, though, Raphael couldn't believe that he hadn't thought about it before. Why wouldn't Dean's brother be affected like this? He'd witnessed firsthand that it was possible by seeing the exact same thing happen between Michael and his new bond brother ever since Dean had first said yes to his oldest brother several months ago. He'd naively thought that it was a phenomenon unique to them because he had never observed it before, but there was a perfectly reasonable and logical explanation for that.
Michael and Lucifer were different from all other angels when it came to the manner in which that they interacted with their vessels. So that was why he had never seen it in any other angel or vessel before.
Until now.
With Lucifer and Sam Winchester.
A.N.: For those of you who missed it, my Dean/Cas Reverse Bang fic Hell Rises with Him went up on Sunday. So that's 25k of dark Destiel goodness for anyone who wants to give demon!Dean a go.
And, yes, yes, I know, evil me for the ending of this chapter :D
Chapter 158