1st January 1966, John/Cynthia, the Lennons' house

[writejohnlennon]

I woke up with a killing hangover and the latent feeling that I had done something utterly wrong. I made a face and moaned into the pillow. I was used to hangovers, and I knew a few pills would fix this, but the guilt was something new. It was only a vague feeling for the moment, hovering indistinctly in my chest, more like the ghost of an emotion

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[cyn_lennon64]

I went straight from the taxi home to the kitchen with a single thought of going to bed. I really didn't want to have to go up there only to argue with John about where we had both been all night and who was in the wrong. There was also the fear that John might not be alone upstairs or that he wouldn't be home at all.

My relationship with John had had been less than perfect for a long time now and I didn't want to remind me of that at that moment After what had been such a wonderful night, I was determined nothing would mar my good mood.

I turned the radio on as I set about making breakfast, singing along loudly and unable to stifle a huge grin when Dusty's latest hit came on.

"Where does our love lie?
In the middle of nowhere
Will it soon pass me by?
In the middle of nowhere

Baby, wont you tell me
What am I to do?
I'm in the middle of nowhere
Getting nowhere with you..."

[writejohnlennon]

Hearing the sound of a car stopping in front of our house, I went to the window, just in time to see Cynthia coming home. My eyes widened. She'd spent the night out? Anger suddenly rose in me. With who? How could she DARE... Through the burn of the fury I was experiencing, a faint voice managed to reason me. Who was I to yell at her about that? Who was I to talk to her about faithfulness?

I banged my head on the windowpane repeatedly, until it really started hurting. I could hear her putting the radio on and beginning to sing along. For the shortest moment, I thought there were tears in my eyes. I snorted. Ridiculous.

Going down the stairs, I leaned against the frame of the door and watched her make breakfast for a while, my face hard and unreadable. My lips thinned to become an almost non-existing angry line. "Good morning, Cynthia." I managed to greet her, more or less nicely.

[cyn_lennon64]

"Morning John," I chirped cheerfully, still half-humming. "I'm making porridge for breakfast. There's enough for both of us if you'd like."

I took in the sight of my hung over and sleep-dishevelled husband. He didn't look entirely happy but I couldn't tell just how much his apparent bad mood was to do with me and how much was due to the excesses of the night before. Still, I thought it would be best to tread carefully and deflect any probing questions if and when he asked them.

So I just flashed him a smile and went back to preparing breakfast as I bobbed my head in time to the music.

[writejohnlennon]

I watched her smile and fumble around cheerfully and my anger rose again. I couldn't contain a somewhat cruel snort. There I was, utterly miserable, feeling sorry for her and there she was, whistling around. I slumped down in a chair. "No porridge, thanks." I said neutrally. "But I wouldn't say no to some painkillers..." I rubbed my sore forehead, fixedly staring at the cereal box on the table, not even reading the stupid little sentences written behind it.

I took a large calming breath and steadied myself for whatever was to come. "So... Where were you tonight?" The question came out friendly enough, although a bit gruff. "I've been worrying." That wasn't entirely false. I'd been worrying about her state of mind this morning, before I realised that I really shouldn't have. I may have been deploring the crumbling of our marriage, but Cynthia seemed to have moved on already. I took a sip of orange juice to chase the bitter taste that suddenly filled my mouth.

[writejohnlennon]

I felt immediately better when she evoked Dusty, cursing myself for that. I let out a little sigh. I knew I had no right to be jealous with her, but still, my Northern nature would have made me feel betrayed and wronged in my honour if she cheated on me. I made face. It was utterly stupid

[cyn_lennon64]

"She's taking me out sometime soon," I said as I stirred my lightly bubbling porridge, confident that John would assume I meant a shopping trip or some other frivolous outing instead of the discreetly romantic dinner I had in mind.

"You know, John. It's all right about last night, really. I'm sure you had a million other things to think about." I turned my head towards him, smiling again. "Besides, I had Dusty to keep me company, so at least I wasn't completely alone."

[writejohnlennon]

I poured myself some milk and cornflakes, hesitating between anger and relief at her words. “I’m glad Dusty made you forget your crapy husband so quickly”, I finally said, mildly. I wasn’t entirely buying the happy look on her face, which left us with only two possibilities.

One: she was faking it, and I should feel bad about that and be nicer to her. Two: ‘strolling’ hadn’t been the only thing she did with Dusty yesterday, and I honestly didn’t know how I should feel about this. I shrugged. In both cases, the only thing I had left to do was to accept that I had lost her love.

I looked at her with unreadable eyes. “We make a funny couple, don’t we?”

[cyn_lennon64]

"What do you mean funny?" I asked, tilting my head as I gazed at him him quizzically. What kind of thoughts feelings was that opaque stare he was giving me hiding. "I know when I first met you, I assumed you were this big, tough Teddy Boy. Then I got to know you and found out you were really sensitive and caring and nice."

I poured my porridge from the sauspan into a bowl carefully. I was really looking forward to my breakfast but I was intrigued and a little flustered by John's question.

I sat down and, keeping my eyes fixed on the table, added, "Most of the time, anyway."

[writejohnlennon]

I paled at her angry speech, looking visibly shaken. She was right. She didn’t even know how right she was. The evocation of Brian’s name made me startle a bit. And there was no way I could tell her about it. I made a face. Was I really reduced to this? Feeling so insecure that I would have the urge to abuse her to make me feel better?

Maybe I’d gone soft. But this wasn’t something I could tell her, either.

I narrowed my eyes, getting from irritated to plain angry now.

“You’re right, you know.” The tone of my voice was cold, detached, showing that I was really fuming, and not just annoyed at her. “I tried to make you more like I’d have liked you to be. I tried to think of you as a harbor I could always stop to when I needed. I tried to love you, more and more through the years, growing meaner and meaner when I realized I couldn’t exactly return to what we had it the beginning.”

I raised my eyes toward her face, all trace of humor absent in them. “Do you still love me?” I asked grimly.

[cyn_lennon64]

I stood up as sharply as if I'd been electrocuted when John asked if I still loved him. Was he really that blind that he couldn't see I was helplessly devoted to him? Or had I grown so adept at hiding my feelings that even the depths of my love for my husband had stopped showing?

"Of course I love you, you idiot! Since I fell for you, I've known you were the only man I could ever love."

I sat back down heavily. I gazed down at my knees, knowing I shouldn't look at him as I spoke, lest he should see the truth in my eyes. Picking imaginary dust off the hem of my fashionably short dress, I echoed my own words sadly. "The only man."

[writejohnlennon]

I startled again as she rose suddenly, and for the briefest moment, I thought she was going to slap me. But she only screamed her love for me. Her undying love for me. Somewhere inside my chest, my heart sank and ached. So, there was still a part of me that loved her, I realised. Perhaps not like the woman of my dreams, but still like a long-date faithful friend, like the mother of my child.

Like a woman I should respect. Not really getting the implication of her last sentence, I simply looked at her, sitting there, miserable. "I probably don't even deserve you." I stated softly. "C'mon." I leaned toward her awkwardly, patting her hand on her knee. "C'mon, I'm jerk, don't be sad. Please." I looked for her eyes.

[cyn_lennon64]

"I'm worried," I said, still unable to look up at him, so instead addressing his hand as it patted my knee. ""I see all these younger women that we know: Dusty, Jane Asher, Marianne Faithfull, J-Joan Baez and I think, 'God, I wish I could be as confident as them'. I mean, I don't know if they're any happier than I am but at least they're out there doing something. And because of that they probably have more of a sense of who they really are. But me, I'm stuck in this house, trying to define myself in terms of what you want

[writejohnlennon]

My smile widened at her wink. Getting up seductively, I made a show of removing my jacket, batting my eyelashes goofily at her and throwing it in her face with a giggle. My hands stopped on the buttons of my shirt as she answered my question about her friend

[cyn_lennon64]

"Okay," I said, plucking out the introduction to show John the tune and smiling as I did so. "Do you know the words to the chorus? If you do, you can sing it with me."

When I was sure he was ready to play along, I nodded and I began to sing the first verse.

"Alas, my love, you do me wrong,
To cast me off discourteously.
For I have loved you well and long,
Delighting in your company.

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves."

[writejohnlennon]

I watched her fingers carefully, easily plucking the rhythms and notes of it. I had learnt this song, a long time ago. It was actually quite beautiful. I let Cynthia sing the first linealone, before joining in, a fifth lower, following her pace musically.

It was strange, singing with Cynthia. The song was obviously very sad and emotional, and it bore a deep meaning for both of us. Cynthia's voice and mine melted together much more gracefully that I'd ever have expected and I felt myself smiling at her.

As she started the second verse, I could only hum though, trying to get a look to the music sheets, not knowing the lyrics by heart. Chuckling, I tried to stay in pace as much as I could.

[cyn_lennon64]

Oh, how wonderful it felt to sing with John, to become one with him through our voices alone. To be so close and intimate
without ever touching. Perhaps this was what we'd been missing during our marriage, and maybe even most of our relationship, was this non-physical connection. I couldn't remember feeling this way since... since we'd first fallen in love.

"Alas, my love, that you should own
A heart of wanton vanity,
So must I meditate alone
Upon your insincerity.

Greensleeves was all my joy
Greensleeves was my delight,
Greensleeves was my heart of gold,
And who but my lady greensleeves

Your vows you've broken, like my heart,
Oh, why did you so enrapture me?
Now I remain in a world apart
But my heart remains in captivity."This song could be very long when performed in full. I wondered if John reaslised that. Then I wondered if he would care. Maybe he would have been happy us to sing Greensleeves all day. I certainly wouldn't have argued but I strongly suspected that John's desire to rediscover me now he'd seen a glimpse of my