BittyBang! - The Circle Game - Part III
Title: The Circle Game
Author: otherdeb
Artist: milosflaca
Pairing: Howie Dorough/Chris Kirkpatrick
Rating/Warnings: R (emotional baggage, m/m sex)
Word Count: 20,267
Summary: Howie and Chris have been everything from lovers to friends to enemies over the years. Can they make it last this time?
Link to art: art by milosflaca
When Howie heard the news that Justin's rumors that *Nsync were going to get back together had just been a publicity ploy, to ride the coattails of Backstreet and New Kids on the Block, he immediately called home to make sure Chris and his guys were okay. It was busy, but he kept trying, figuring that Chris and the rest were trying to deal with the news.
Chris picked up the phone wearily, having just spent the last half hour on the phone and Internet, trying, while conferenced with Lance, to figure out not how to deal with the press, but how to deal with JC, who called Joey in hysterics when he'd heard Justin's news. Joey would have been on the call, but he was heading to JC's to make sure JC hadn't done any of the stupid things he had mentioned on the phone. Once he got JC to his house, they would all gather there. Other than that, nothing solid had been planned.
“Hi, baby. You need me to come home?” Concern radiated through the phone lines. “The guys say they can spare me if you do.”
“I'm okay, D, mostly tired right now.” He could almost see Howie nod. “C's a mess.”
“Yeah, I figured. Who gets to house him for now?”
“Joey does. But I'm kind of glad you called. You mind if I ask Lance to stay here?”
Howie didn't even need to think about that one. “Of course not. It's your home, too. And even if it wasn't, this would count as reason enough, even if I wanted to be pissy about it, which I don't.”
“Breathe, Howie.” He laughed. “I know all that, and - for the record - I cannot imagine you being pissy about it.”
“Okay, so do you need me to come home today, or can it wait two days until we break?”
“It can wait, although I would never say no to a few extra days with you.” He could almost hear Howie smile. “You take care of your stuff so that when you do get home, I can have you all to myself for a while.”
“Will do, baby. I'll call you as soon as my travel plans are set.”
“Want me to pick you up?”
“I'd love it, but I'll take a car. You'll probably either be at Joey's dealing with C, or you guys will be exhausted and crashed out here.”
“Okay. Oh. Before you hang up, you got a specific room you want me to put Lance in?”
Howie thought for a few minutes. “How about the one on the far side of yours? That should give him some privacy.”
“Sounds good. I'm gonna go crash while Joey gets JC. Talk to you later.”
“Sleep well, baby. And - ” Howie paused for a moment, and took a deep breath. “I love you.”
“Love you, too, baby. Later.” He hung up the phone, feeling a bit better about things, and hoped that Howie knew how much hearing those words again, from halfway across the continent, had meant to him.
* * * * *
Howie got home two days later, in the late evening. As he had predicted, Lance and Chris were asleep on the sofa, with the TV still on. He turned the sound down, then made his way to his room, dropping his bags by his dresser. He debated ordering food, but decided to wait until they woke up. He did make himself a cup of tea and, when he turned to take it to the table, was surprised to see Chris in the doorway. He put down the cup and walked over to where Chris stood.
“Hey.” Howie's voice was soft. “Lance still asleep?”
“Yeah. It'd probably take dropping a brick on him to wake him. C'mere.”
Howie sank into Chris' embrace. “God, I've missed you so much.”
“Even though we probably spent the equivalent of a small country's budget on phone bills?” Chris grinned.
“Yeah, even so.” His mouth found Chris', and he kissed him hard.
“Are you okay? You must be exhausted.” He moved so that he held Howie at arms' length for a few minutes. “Have your tea, babe. I'll run you a bath and turn down your bed.” He turned, but Howie didn't let go of his hand. “D?”
“I just want you to sit with me for bit, baby.” They sat at the table, and Howie sipped the hot liquid, listening while Chris filled him in on all the stuff about JC, and Joey. After he had finished, he began to gather up things to put in the sink.
“Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“Leave it. I'll get it later.” Howie started to protest. Chris held up a hand. “Later. You're exhausted. Let's get you to a bath and then bed.” Howie knew better than to argue when Chris took that tone of voice. He got up and followed Chris. While he undressed, he could hear Chris running the water. He was glad Chris was doing so, because suddenly every muscle in his body ached.
Chris took one look when he entered the bathroom. “Baby, you want the jacuzzi, or just a warm soak?”
“Soak and a massage, please, if you aren't too tired.”
Chris nodded. “I live to serve, baby. Want me to wash your back?”
* * * * *
Later, after Chris had spent about an hour kneading the aches out of Howie's muscles, they were cuddled together in Howie's bed, chatting quietly with the door closed, so as not to disturb their guest. Chris could feel the exhaustion radiating from Howie. He had managed to get Howie to admit that the promo tour had been rough on them all. They were looking forward, but a lot of the non-music press, and the reporters that had always been hostile to them, were more interested in ripping apart their pasts - especially AJ's stint in rehab and Nick's relationship with the she-bitch, as well as the sideshow that was his parents.
“Poor baby.” Chris murmured in his ear. “It must have been really rough on you and Brian to have to hold them together.”
“Yeah, it was at times,” Howie nodded against his shoulder. “but the fans were terrific, and I kept thinking that when it was over I'd get to come home to you. That helped me hang on.” He was clearly fading fast.
“Want me to stay 'til you fall asleep, baby?” He ran a hand gently along Howie's jaw.
“That would be good. Yeah,” Howie mumbled, barely stifling a yawn.
“I'll take care of feeding Lance and me, and make you something light later.” He kissed Howie's forehead. “You just rest for a bit.”
Howie was too far gone to talk, so he just snuggled deeper against Chris. When his breathing had steadied to its normal sleep pattern, Chris kissed his forehead again, got out of bed, pulled the covers over his lover, turned off the light, and quietly crept out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.
When he woke up several hours later, Howie found Chris and Lance in the kitchen, eating Chinese food. He pulled a chair next to Chris, sat down, and stretched gracefully. Chris stopped picking at the container he was eating out of long enough to kiss Howie and place a container of hot and sour soup and a spoon in front of him.
“Want a beer, baby?” At Howie's nod, Chris looked at Lance who hopped up and got one out of the refrigerator, As they ate, Chris and Lance told him as much as they could of the story about Justin's screwing them all over yet again, and JC's meltdown. Howie listened patiently, as always, asking a question here, making a sympathetic noise there. When they were done, he looked hard at both of them. He could see the bone-deep weariness in his lover, and that Lance looked as if he hadn't gotten anywhere near enough rest.
“Look, I'm not sure I'll be much help, but you guys want me to go with you tomorrow?”
“Why would you want to, D?” Lance's tone was neutral. “I mean, it's not really your problem, y'know?”
Howie nodded. “Yeah, but I like JC, and if I can help, especially after all you guys have done for Chris and me, I'd like to.”
“I think it's a great idea, baby.” Chris had no problems having Howie there to support him while he supported JC. “But maybe I should call Joey and see what he thinks.”
Howie nodded. “That makes sense. I mean he and Joey go back longest of you guys, right?”
“Right.” Lance nodded. “But I think, if nothing else, it would be good for you to be there for Chris, even if you're mostly in another room reading or something while we try to keep C tethered to the planet.”
“I can always bring my knitting.”
“Hey! D, I have an idea.” Chris almost bounced in his seat.
“Easy, babe.” Howie waited until Chris settled down. “What is it?”
“Would you be willing to part with one of the afghans you have in the closet?”
“Chris, you shouldn't...” Lance interrupted, but was quietly overridden by Howie.
“I think that's a great idea, babe.” He reached for Chris' hand. “Thanks for suggesting it. Lance, after dinner, why don't you guys go and pick one out for him? Having something to curl up safe and secure in just might help anchor him.”
Lance nodded. “But...I mean, you work so hard on them.”
Chris interrupted. “Yeah, and I've seen him work. There's comfort and safety in every row of them.” He held up his hand to forestall Lance. “You should know. You've been curling up in one since you got here.”
“Go. Pick one. I'll clean up here.” Howie watched them head down the hall for a moment, then rose and began gathering utensils.
After a blanket for JC had been decided on, the three of them watched a movie, then Chris announced he was going to bed, got up and headed to Howie's room. Howie said good night to Lance, stood, walked to the doorway, then hesitated a moment.
“D, something on your mind?” Lance had noticed the hesitation.
Howie turned back to him. “Kinda. Mind if I sit for a minute?”
“Hey,” Lance tried to ease the tension he felt from Howie. “It's your house.”
“I'm getting that you would rather I didn't help you guys with JC.” Howie said quietly, not wanting Chris to overhear them.
“No, it's not that at all, D.” Lance had the good grace to look uncomfortable.
“So, what is it?”
Lance sighed, then decided that he owed Howie the truth. “Well, you guys did what Justin has just fucked us over about.” Howie nodded, but didn't say anything. “And I'm not so sure that C wouldn't fixate on that, given how he's feeling.”
“I can see that. But I'm also proof that you guys can still be *Nsync without Justin.”
“You really think so?”
“Hell, yeah. It wasn't easy after Kevin left, and we'd all love him to come back, but....” He shrugged. “We managed to shift roles, and we seem to be doing okay.”
“But...”
“I know. Justin was your lead singer and Kevin was not ours. But the thing is that both of us are in groups. *Nsync was no more - ” he made air quotes - “ 'Justin and those other guys' - ” he closed the air quotes - “than we are 'Nick and those other guys'.”
“You really believe that? “Cause I'm not sure any of us does.”
“Not only do I believe it, but I want to discuss something with all of your guys.”
“Howie?”
Howie yawned. “Lance, I'm kind of tired right now, and I want nothing more at the moment than to fall into bed.” He got up, and stretched. “But we can talk about it at breakfast, and if you think your guys want to hear it, I'll go with you and Chris and tell them. And if you think I shouldn't hang around after that, I'll leave and count on you to get Chris home later. Okay?”
“Go to bed, Howie. You look like you're gonna fall over in another minute.” Howie nodded and went to join his lover.
* * * * *
Howie and Chris woke up in each other's arms, noses being tickled by good smells from the kitchen. When they had showered and dressed, they made their way there, to find that Lance had made a huge breakfast for all of them. They ate, and Howie outlined to them what he and the rest of Backstreet had discussed. Chris and Lance were surprised, but agreed that Joey and JC should hear the offer.
An hour and a half later, they were in Joey's grotto. Joey, as always, was laid back and there was no indication that keeping JC, who was clearly at the far end of skittish, for a week had taken any more than the usual efforts of a good host. JC, on the other hand, looked like AJ before rehab and after a bad night.
“So, D, Chris says you have a suggestion from your posse?” Although his voice was genial, Joey's eyes were wary.
“Yeah. We heard you guys were going through what we did.” Howie gazed levelly at Joey. “Okay, it wasn't our lead singer, but it was still pretty painful to deal with.”
“So, you all want to give us the benefit of your 'wisdom'?” JC's voice was harsh, bitter.
“Nope.” Howie remained calm. “First off, I want you to have this, JC.” He took the package with the afghan Chris and Lance had chosen, and handed it to JC. “Second, my guys know that it takes time to adjust after one of your brothers goes away, so when you are ready to try, we want to give you an afternoon of studio time to find your harmony again.”
“An afternoon of studio time?” Joey was stunned.
“Yeah. Took us all of that long to find how we could go on, once we all stopped acting like fangirls over Kevin leaving, that is.” Howie checked Joey's face for signs of anger, then did the same with JC. “I know it won't make you whole again - we all know that - but it's there when you guys need it. Just let Chris know when you are ready, and give us a day or two to set it up.” He stood. “And, now, I think I should get going, and let you guys discuss things.”
“Um. No. D, Sit back down.” Joey was still in shock. “That's a pretty generous offer. And...yeah...we will need to discuss it, but...” He was interrupted by a murmur of pleasure from JC, who had quietly opened the package. They all looked in his direction.
JC stopped stroking the afghan he had half-pulled from its wrapping, and looked up at Howie. “Oh, man. One of yours?” Howie nodded. “Thank you so much. It's...it's perfect.” He pulled it the rest of the ways out, and wrapped it around himself, then settled back in his chair.
Chris squeezed Howie's shoulder and whispered, “Love you,” in his ear.
* * * * *
Things had seemed to settle down quickly after that. Howie reckoned that Lance had stayed less than two weeks, but that he and Chris had gotten spoiled by Lance making breakfast. Still, he enjoyed their working together in the kitchen - he always had - and felt the simple domesticity of it drew them together in a way nothing else could. The thing was, he was starting to get that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling, and he didn't, for the life of him, know how to tell Chris.
* * * * *
Chris dialed AJ's number with trepidation.
“Harry's House of Horror.”
“Hi, AJ. Is D there by any chance?”
“No. Haven't seen him for a few days.”
“Shit. AJ, if you hear from him, please tell him to call me.”
“Yeah, sure.” He paused. “Chris, what's going on?”
“I don't know. He left, supposedly for the studio, yesterday, and hasn't been home or called. He's not answering his phone when I call, either.”
“Let me try to call him. Maybe he'll take my call.”
“Please. I'm sure he's okay, but...”
“Yeah. Totally out of character, except when he's getting scared. Chris, he'll be back.”
“I thought it'd be different this time, AJ.” Chris sighed. “I really, really did.”
“Yeah. He did seem to be handling it better this time.” He sighed. “Look, I'll try calling him on my way over.”
“You don't have to do that.”
“It's okay. I'm gonna find out what's wrong, then smack him upside the head. Maybe knock some sense in there.” AJ sighed. “Maybe you should call your guys, though. For company 'til he gets home.”
When AJ rang the intercom at Howie's condo about an hour later, Joey was already there.
He pulled a chair up to the table they were at. “He answered, but wouldn't say much. He said not to worry, he just needed to 'straighten himself out.' Chris, I hate to ask, but you guys been having problems?”
Chris sighed. “Not that I know of. But would he tell me if we were? I'd like to think so,” he sighed, “but we all know he's held back before.”
Joey kept quiet, watching them talk. Fidgety, he got up, filled the kettle, put it on the hob, and sat down. When the water boiled, he got up and made tea, then placed the steaming mugs in front of them.
“Oh. Thanks, man.” AJ nodded at him.
“I know how Chris takes his tea, but didn't know what you wanted. Sorry.”
“It's fine. Milk and sugar would be good, though.” Chris got up and got the sugar and a carton of milk and put them in front of AJ.
They had been talking for about an hour when Howie came in. He looked worse than ragged. He was unshaven, and had clearly been drinking. He took one look at them, then headed to his room.
“Howie?” Chris rose to go after him.
“Not now, Chris.” He could hear the sigh behind Howie's words. He sat down again, stunned. AJ and Joey just looked at each other.
AJ was the first to speak. “Chris, it's gonna be...”
Chris held up his hand to stop him. “AJ, I don't know what it's gonna be, and it looks like he doesn't either.”
Joey took the mugs and put them in the sink. “You gonna be okay, Chris?”
“Yeah, I'll be fine.” He got up. “You guys should probably get going. It might be better if it's just me here whenever he gets up.” He hugged each of them. “AJ, I know you have the keys, so would you lock up when you and Joey leave?”
AJ nodded. “If you need me....”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You sure you don't want us to hang out until he wakes up?” Joey was clearly not sure that leaving Chris alone with Howie was a good idea at the moment.
“Joey, I'm a big boy. It'll be okay.”
Joey and AJ did leave, eventually, although they made it clear that they were unhappy about it. They'd been gone about three hours when Howie came into the living room.
Chris was sitting on the couch, pretending to watch TV, and Howie knelt in front of him. “Chris. I'm sorry.”
“Were you running again?” Chris wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, but figured it would be better for the cut to be sharp and brief. He'd packed his belongings already, and was just waiting for Howie to end things.
“I was, but I'm not anymore.” Howie looked up at Chris. “I'm sorry for worrying you.” He looked down again. “I had to get my head on straight.”
“And did you?” Chris was willing to listen, but not willing to prolong the agony.
“Yeah, I did. I realized that I'd be an asshole to lose this.” He moved to sit on the hassock. “Look, Chris. I was wrong not to say anything. I know that. But I didn't know how to tell you without you thinking I wanted out.” He sighed. “I didn't know it would be so hard to do.”
“Yeah, well, your momma always said you were stubborn as a mule once you got an idea in your head.” He held out an arm. “C'mere.” Howie sat next to him. “Boy, you need a shower. Go get one, and we'll talk after.”
“Okay.” He got up and headed to the bathroom.
When Howie got out of the shower, he found that Chris had changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows, and turned down the covers for him. He got into bed, and Chris moved next to him.
“You want to tell me?” He slipped one arm under Howie's neck.
“Yeah.” Howie paused. “Yeah, I do. First, thanks for waiting for me.”
“Howie, you know that's not a problem.”
“I shouldn't have left without saying something. But I was starting to feel scared. And I couldn't tell you about it. At least, I didn't think I could.”
“Baby.” He ran his free hand down Howie's arm. “You can tell me anything. I thought you knew that.” He didn't let go, and felt Howie curl closer.
“I knew it was stupid. And I needed to get away to think it out.”
“And?”
“And I'm so sorry for hurting you. I love you. I promise to try and tell you if it happens again. That is, if you don't tell me to go to Hell, which you probably should.”
“I'm not gonna do that.” He held Howie tightly. “I'm gonna fight for us...at least as long as you will.” He looked into Howie's eyes, and saw that he was exhausted. “You sleep now, baby. I'm right here.” He felt Howie nod against his shoulder.
“Chris?”
“Yeah, D.”
“Thank you.”
“Shh. Not needed. Just rest.” He wondered what it was that had so scared Howie, but knew that, whatever it turned out to be, it wasn't going to be resolved in one night.
* * * * *
Over the next few months, Howe worked hard at talking to Chris when the fear came up, as it did several times. His guys had read him the riot act the day following his return, with Alex offering to personally whip his ass if he worried Chris like that again. He knew that he had almost fucked up, almost lost Chris again, maybe for good, and by his own hand at that. He decided that this was bigger than he could deal with on his own, and asked AJ to help him find a counselor.
He saw Dr. Balian twice a week at first, and even though it was hard, he did the work she set out for him at the end of each session. They talked about his failed marriage, and about what he wanted going forward. She even had him bring Chris a couple of times, so they could work on things that cropped up during the course of his treatment. She also spoke with AJ, at Howie's request, since other than Chris, AJ was the rock that Howie leaned on most. He still hadn't come out of the closet to his parents or siblings, but he was beginning to realize just how restricting that closet was.
One evening, after a session, he decided to talk to Chris and Lance about their coming out. Chris got Lance on the phone, and Lance noted that he'd be in Howie's area later in the week, and a date was set up for dinner with him, and with AJ, who Howie knew would ask the questions he couldn't. They ordered in food, and ate while discussing the progress *Nsync was making finding their sound and how they fit together without Justin. Lance had opined that they were almost ready to take the studio time Backstreet was offering.
After Howie and Chris had cleared the table and made coffee, AJ suggested they get to what they had come together to discuss. Howie asked Chris and Lance what coming out had been like for each of them.
Lance was totally positive about his experience. “It was great. No more hiding. And being in a good, stable relationship helped a lot, D.”
Chris nodded, but was more reserved. “It was easier for me, since I wasn't the first, y'know? And Lance and Reichen were taking up most of the society pages, so that was one less thing for me to worry about.”
“The best part,” Lance took up the thread again, “was that Lou had been so damned wrong. I swear, D, I'm more popular now than I ever was when we were touring.”
Howie nodded. “But coming out to your parents? Wasn't that hard?”
Chris took that one first. “Baby, I think I was more scared than you are. But Mom told me it didn't make a damned bit of difference. The girls told me it didn't matter, except that I had better not hit on any of their boyfriends. Not that I'd ever do that, but...” he shrugged. “Besides, I have something much better right here.”
“I didn't have much choice, D.” Lance added. “I found out I was going to be outed.” Howie looked stricken. “Yeah, and I wanted them to hear it from me, not some announcer on the evening news. So I called them and told them. Mom was pretty good about it, but she had actually found out over the Internet, because she had begun to hear the rumors. She said it hurt her at first, but that it also gave her time to adjust to it when I did tell her.”
They continued talking for about an hour, and when AJ and Lance left, Howie thanked them for being willing to talk, and for giving him a lot to think about.
That night, after a long session of lovemaking, Howie touched Chris on the shoulder.
“Mmmm?”
“Thank you for telling me all that earlier.”
“No problem.” Chris' answer was practically a mumble. He inched closer to Howie. “You okay, baby?”
“Yeah, I think so.” He yawned.
“Go to sleep.”
Howie wrapped his arms more tightly around Chris. “'K.” He yawned again and closed his eyes, head resting against Chris, arms cradling him. He could feel Chris, solid against him, radiating comfort and strength.
* * * * *
It took time, but Chris could see that Howie was becoming more and more himself again. It wasn't easy, by any means, but both heart and gut told him that it would be well worth the effort. Howie wasn't running now when things got rough for him, he was sleeping better again, and Chris knew that he was feeling better about himself. Eventually, their relationship got back to its normal state.
One night after they had gotten into bed, Howie turned to him.
“Chris?”
“Yeah, baby?” He yawned.
“Dr. Balian thinks I'm ready to stop seeing her.”
“Do you think you're ready?”
“I don't know. I'm comfortable talking to her. And I'm scared.”
Chris' arms tightened around him. “Tell me?”
“I'm still afraid I'll fuck us up. I'm trying so hard, but what if I can't do it?”
“Shhh, baby. First, you will do it. And, if you can't, you can always go back, right?” He felt Howie nod against his shoulder. “And if we need to, you know AJ and I will help you pick up the pieces.” He loosened his grip enough to ruffle his hand through Howie's hair. “You are doing so well, baby, so well...” His voice lowered more and more as he felt Howie's breathing get slower and softer, until Howie was soundly sleeping while he murmured endearments and reassurance in his ear.
* * * * *
Howie hadn't meant to propose while they were doing the dishes, but he had picked up the rings he had decided on (the backs engraved with their names and the word “Forever”), and the two small boxes (a silver one for Chris, a purple one for him) in his pocket rubbed against his hip as they did the dishes.
Chris turned to hand Howie a wet plate and saw that he was distracted by something. “Howie?”
Howie started, then took the dish from his hand. “Yeah?”
“You okay? You seem a bit out of it.”
“I'm fine. Really fine.” He took Chris' hand and pulled him back toward the table.
“What's wrong, then?”
“Nothing.” He pointed Chris to one of the chairs and Chris sat. “You know how close we've become again?”
“Um. yeah. I was there for that.” Chris chuckled.
“Well, I want us to be even closer...”
“Got a problem with us finishing the dishes first, or is calling the super to unflood the kitchen in the middle of the night a turn-on I didn't know about?”
Startled, Howie laughed. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Changing the subject.”
“There was a subject? All I know is that you dragged me away from the sink with the water still running, and haven't said why yet.”
“Um. Chris.” Howie had that totally serious look.
“Howie, what the hell?...”
“Chris, I've never been real smart about us, and you know that, but I'm kind of hoping that you can forgive me for all the times I've hurt you...”
“Only if you forgive me for the times I hurt you.”
“All in the past, baby. All forgiven a long time ago.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I never meant for this to happen now, but I can't think of another way to do it.”
“Howie?” He looked deep into Howie's eyes, stunned by the love he saw shining from them. “Oh.” Realization hit him as Howie dropped to one knee before him.
“Chris, these last few months have made me more whole than I've been in a very long time, and that's your doing. I can't imagine us ever being apart again. Not only that, I don't want to.” He drew the boxes from his pocket. He put the purple one on the table, and opened the silver one. “Chris, I don't ever want to lose you again. It would kill me.” Chris nodded, in shock at what was happening. “I want us to be together forever. I want us to have all the joys and sorrows other couples have, and to keep being made stronger by them.” He took a deep breath. “Christopher, will you be my husband?” He held the open box out to Chris.
Chris was beyond shock. “Howie? Are you sure? You know what that would mean?” He prayed quickly that Howie understood him.
“You mean do I know that if we do this I'll have to come out?” Chris nodded, speechless. “Yeah, I do. You're worth it. We're worth it.” He took the ring, a quarter-inch-high white gold band set with amethysts, from the box. “May I?” Chris nodded. Howie put the ring on his hand. “Um. I got it engraved. Nothing fancy, but...”
“Howard, you're babbling. And, yes, I will marry you, you babbling idiot.” He grinned and pulled Howie up from the floor and into his arms for a long, deep kiss, before removing the ring from the other box and slipping it onto Howie's left hand.
- - - - - - - - - - -
* “The Circle Game,” ©1966, words and music by Joni Mitchell, first recorded by Buffy Sainte-Marie on Fire & Fleet & Candlelight, in 1967, and made popular by Tom Rush on his 1968 album, The Circle Game.
Author: otherdeb
Artist: milosflaca
Pairing: Howie Dorough/Chris Kirkpatrick
Rating/Warnings: R (emotional baggage, m/m sex)
Word Count: 20,267
Summary: Howie and Chris have been everything from lovers to friends to enemies over the years. Can they make it last this time?
Link to art: art by milosflaca
When Howie heard the news that Justin's rumors that *Nsync were going to get back together had just been a publicity ploy, to ride the coattails of Backstreet and New Kids on the Block, he immediately called home to make sure Chris and his guys were okay. It was busy, but he kept trying, figuring that Chris and the rest were trying to deal with the news.
Chris picked up the phone wearily, having just spent the last half hour on the phone and Internet, trying, while conferenced with Lance, to figure out not how to deal with the press, but how to deal with JC, who called Joey in hysterics when he'd heard Justin's news. Joey would have been on the call, but he was heading to JC's to make sure JC hadn't done any of the stupid things he had mentioned on the phone. Once he got JC to his house, they would all gather there. Other than that, nothing solid had been planned.
“Hi, baby. You need me to come home?” Concern radiated through the phone lines. “The guys say they can spare me if you do.”
“I'm okay, D, mostly tired right now.” He could almost see Howie nod. “C's a mess.”
“Yeah, I figured. Who gets to house him for now?”
“Joey does. But I'm kind of glad you called. You mind if I ask Lance to stay here?”
Howie didn't even need to think about that one. “Of course not. It's your home, too. And even if it wasn't, this would count as reason enough, even if I wanted to be pissy about it, which I don't.”
“Breathe, Howie.” He laughed. “I know all that, and - for the record - I cannot imagine you being pissy about it.”
“Okay, so do you need me to come home today, or can it wait two days until we break?”
“It can wait, although I would never say no to a few extra days with you.” He could almost hear Howie smile. “You take care of your stuff so that when you do get home, I can have you all to myself for a while.”
“Will do, baby. I'll call you as soon as my travel plans are set.”
“Want me to pick you up?”
“I'd love it, but I'll take a car. You'll probably either be at Joey's dealing with C, or you guys will be exhausted and crashed out here.”
“Okay. Oh. Before you hang up, you got a specific room you want me to put Lance in?”
Howie thought for a few minutes. “How about the one on the far side of yours? That should give him some privacy.”
“Sounds good. I'm gonna go crash while Joey gets JC. Talk to you later.”
“Sleep well, baby. And - ” Howie paused for a moment, and took a deep breath. “I love you.”
“Love you, too, baby. Later.” He hung up the phone, feeling a bit better about things, and hoped that Howie knew how much hearing those words again, from halfway across the continent, had meant to him.
* * * * *
Howie got home two days later, in the late evening. As he had predicted, Lance and Chris were asleep on the sofa, with the TV still on. He turned the sound down, then made his way to his room, dropping his bags by his dresser. He debated ordering food, but decided to wait until they woke up. He did make himself a cup of tea and, when he turned to take it to the table, was surprised to see Chris in the doorway. He put down the cup and walked over to where Chris stood.
“Hey.” Howie's voice was soft. “Lance still asleep?”
“Yeah. It'd probably take dropping a brick on him to wake him. C'mere.”
Howie sank into Chris' embrace. “God, I've missed you so much.”
“Even though we probably spent the equivalent of a small country's budget on phone bills?” Chris grinned.
“Yeah, even so.” His mouth found Chris', and he kissed him hard.
“Are you okay? You must be exhausted.” He moved so that he held Howie at arms' length for a few minutes. “Have your tea, babe. I'll run you a bath and turn down your bed.” He turned, but Howie didn't let go of his hand. “D?”
“I just want you to sit with me for bit, baby.” They sat at the table, and Howie sipped the hot liquid, listening while Chris filled him in on all the stuff about JC, and Joey. After he had finished, he began to gather up things to put in the sink.
“Babe?”
“Yeah?”
“Leave it. I'll get it later.” Howie started to protest. Chris held up a hand. “Later. You're exhausted. Let's get you to a bath and then bed.” Howie knew better than to argue when Chris took that tone of voice. He got up and followed Chris. While he undressed, he could hear Chris running the water. He was glad Chris was doing so, because suddenly every muscle in his body ached.
Chris took one look when he entered the bathroom. “Baby, you want the jacuzzi, or just a warm soak?”
“Soak and a massage, please, if you aren't too tired.”
Chris nodded. “I live to serve, baby. Want me to wash your back?”
* * * * *
Later, after Chris had spent about an hour kneading the aches out of Howie's muscles, they were cuddled together in Howie's bed, chatting quietly with the door closed, so as not to disturb their guest. Chris could feel the exhaustion radiating from Howie. He had managed to get Howie to admit that the promo tour had been rough on them all. They were looking forward, but a lot of the non-music press, and the reporters that had always been hostile to them, were more interested in ripping apart their pasts - especially AJ's stint in rehab and Nick's relationship with the she-bitch, as well as the sideshow that was his parents.
“Poor baby.” Chris murmured in his ear. “It must have been really rough on you and Brian to have to hold them together.”
“Yeah, it was at times,” Howie nodded against his shoulder. “but the fans were terrific, and I kept thinking that when it was over I'd get to come home to you. That helped me hang on.” He was clearly fading fast.
“Want me to stay 'til you fall asleep, baby?” He ran a hand gently along Howie's jaw.
“That would be good. Yeah,” Howie mumbled, barely stifling a yawn.
“I'll take care of feeding Lance and me, and make you something light later.” He kissed Howie's forehead. “You just rest for a bit.”
Howie was too far gone to talk, so he just snuggled deeper against Chris. When his breathing had steadied to its normal sleep pattern, Chris kissed his forehead again, got out of bed, pulled the covers over his lover, turned off the light, and quietly crept out of the room, closing the door gently behind him.
When he woke up several hours later, Howie found Chris and Lance in the kitchen, eating Chinese food. He pulled a chair next to Chris, sat down, and stretched gracefully. Chris stopped picking at the container he was eating out of long enough to kiss Howie and place a container of hot and sour soup and a spoon in front of him.
“Want a beer, baby?” At Howie's nod, Chris looked at Lance who hopped up and got one out of the refrigerator, As they ate, Chris and Lance told him as much as they could of the story about Justin's screwing them all over yet again, and JC's meltdown. Howie listened patiently, as always, asking a question here, making a sympathetic noise there. When they were done, he looked hard at both of them. He could see the bone-deep weariness in his lover, and that Lance looked as if he hadn't gotten anywhere near enough rest.
“Look, I'm not sure I'll be much help, but you guys want me to go with you tomorrow?”
“Why would you want to, D?” Lance's tone was neutral. “I mean, it's not really your problem, y'know?”
Howie nodded. “Yeah, but I like JC, and if I can help, especially after all you guys have done for Chris and me, I'd like to.”
“I think it's a great idea, baby.” Chris had no problems having Howie there to support him while he supported JC. “But maybe I should call Joey and see what he thinks.”
Howie nodded. “That makes sense. I mean he and Joey go back longest of you guys, right?”
“Right.” Lance nodded. “But I think, if nothing else, it would be good for you to be there for Chris, even if you're mostly in another room reading or something while we try to keep C tethered to the planet.”
“I can always bring my knitting.”
“Hey! D, I have an idea.” Chris almost bounced in his seat.
“Easy, babe.” Howie waited until Chris settled down. “What is it?”
“Would you be willing to part with one of the afghans you have in the closet?”
“Chris, you shouldn't...” Lance interrupted, but was quietly overridden by Howie.
“I think that's a great idea, babe.” He reached for Chris' hand. “Thanks for suggesting it. Lance, after dinner, why don't you guys go and pick one out for him? Having something to curl up safe and secure in just might help anchor him.”
Lance nodded. “But...I mean, you work so hard on them.”
Chris interrupted. “Yeah, and I've seen him work. There's comfort and safety in every row of them.” He held up his hand to forestall Lance. “You should know. You've been curling up in one since you got here.”
“Go. Pick one. I'll clean up here.” Howie watched them head down the hall for a moment, then rose and began gathering utensils.
After a blanket for JC had been decided on, the three of them watched a movie, then Chris announced he was going to bed, got up and headed to Howie's room. Howie said good night to Lance, stood, walked to the doorway, then hesitated a moment.
“D, something on your mind?” Lance had noticed the hesitation.
Howie turned back to him. “Kinda. Mind if I sit for a minute?”
“Hey,” Lance tried to ease the tension he felt from Howie. “It's your house.”
“I'm getting that you would rather I didn't help you guys with JC.” Howie said quietly, not wanting Chris to overhear them.
“No, it's not that at all, D.” Lance had the good grace to look uncomfortable.
“So, what is it?”
Lance sighed, then decided that he owed Howie the truth. “Well, you guys did what Justin has just fucked us over about.” Howie nodded, but didn't say anything. “And I'm not so sure that C wouldn't fixate on that, given how he's feeling.”
“I can see that. But I'm also proof that you guys can still be *Nsync without Justin.”
“You really think so?”
“Hell, yeah. It wasn't easy after Kevin left, and we'd all love him to come back, but....” He shrugged. “We managed to shift roles, and we seem to be doing okay.”
“But...”
“I know. Justin was your lead singer and Kevin was not ours. But the thing is that both of us are in groups. *Nsync was no more - ” he made air quotes - “ 'Justin and those other guys' - ” he closed the air quotes - “than we are 'Nick and those other guys'.”
“You really believe that? “Cause I'm not sure any of us does.”
“Not only do I believe it, but I want to discuss something with all of your guys.”
“Howie?”
Howie yawned. “Lance, I'm kind of tired right now, and I want nothing more at the moment than to fall into bed.” He got up, and stretched. “But we can talk about it at breakfast, and if you think your guys want to hear it, I'll go with you and Chris and tell them. And if you think I shouldn't hang around after that, I'll leave and count on you to get Chris home later. Okay?”
“Go to bed, Howie. You look like you're gonna fall over in another minute.” Howie nodded and went to join his lover.
* * * * *
Howie and Chris woke up in each other's arms, noses being tickled by good smells from the kitchen. When they had showered and dressed, they made their way there, to find that Lance had made a huge breakfast for all of them. They ate, and Howie outlined to them what he and the rest of Backstreet had discussed. Chris and Lance were surprised, but agreed that Joey and JC should hear the offer.
An hour and a half later, they were in Joey's grotto. Joey, as always, was laid back and there was no indication that keeping JC, who was clearly at the far end of skittish, for a week had taken any more than the usual efforts of a good host. JC, on the other hand, looked like AJ before rehab and after a bad night.
“So, D, Chris says you have a suggestion from your posse?” Although his voice was genial, Joey's eyes were wary.
“Yeah. We heard you guys were going through what we did.” Howie gazed levelly at Joey. “Okay, it wasn't our lead singer, but it was still pretty painful to deal with.”
“So, you all want to give us the benefit of your 'wisdom'?” JC's voice was harsh, bitter.
“Nope.” Howie remained calm. “First off, I want you to have this, JC.” He took the package with the afghan Chris and Lance had chosen, and handed it to JC. “Second, my guys know that it takes time to adjust after one of your brothers goes away, so when you are ready to try, we want to give you an afternoon of studio time to find your harmony again.”
“An afternoon of studio time?” Joey was stunned.
“Yeah. Took us all of that long to find how we could go on, once we all stopped acting like fangirls over Kevin leaving, that is.” Howie checked Joey's face for signs of anger, then did the same with JC. “I know it won't make you whole again - we all know that - but it's there when you guys need it. Just let Chris know when you are ready, and give us a day or two to set it up.” He stood. “And, now, I think I should get going, and let you guys discuss things.”
“Um. No. D, Sit back down.” Joey was still in shock. “That's a pretty generous offer. And...yeah...we will need to discuss it, but...” He was interrupted by a murmur of pleasure from JC, who had quietly opened the package. They all looked in his direction.
JC stopped stroking the afghan he had half-pulled from its wrapping, and looked up at Howie. “Oh, man. One of yours?” Howie nodded. “Thank you so much. It's...it's perfect.” He pulled it the rest of the ways out, and wrapped it around himself, then settled back in his chair.
Chris squeezed Howie's shoulder and whispered, “Love you,” in his ear.
* * * * *
Things had seemed to settle down quickly after that. Howie reckoned that Lance had stayed less than two weeks, but that he and Chris had gotten spoiled by Lance making breakfast. Still, he enjoyed their working together in the kitchen - he always had - and felt the simple domesticity of it drew them together in a way nothing else could. The thing was, he was starting to get that “waiting for the other shoe to drop” feeling, and he didn't, for the life of him, know how to tell Chris.
* * * * *
Chris dialed AJ's number with trepidation.
“Harry's House of Horror.”
“Hi, AJ. Is D there by any chance?”
“No. Haven't seen him for a few days.”
“Shit. AJ, if you hear from him, please tell him to call me.”
“Yeah, sure.” He paused. “Chris, what's going on?”
“I don't know. He left, supposedly for the studio, yesterday, and hasn't been home or called. He's not answering his phone when I call, either.”
“Let me try to call him. Maybe he'll take my call.”
“Please. I'm sure he's okay, but...”
“Yeah. Totally out of character, except when he's getting scared. Chris, he'll be back.”
“I thought it'd be different this time, AJ.” Chris sighed. “I really, really did.”
“Yeah. He did seem to be handling it better this time.” He sighed. “Look, I'll try calling him on my way over.”
“You don't have to do that.”
“It's okay. I'm gonna find out what's wrong, then smack him upside the head. Maybe knock some sense in there.” AJ sighed. “Maybe you should call your guys, though. For company 'til he gets home.”
When AJ rang the intercom at Howie's condo about an hour later, Joey was already there.
He pulled a chair up to the table they were at. “He answered, but wouldn't say much. He said not to worry, he just needed to 'straighten himself out.' Chris, I hate to ask, but you guys been having problems?”
Chris sighed. “Not that I know of. But would he tell me if we were? I'd like to think so,” he sighed, “but we all know he's held back before.”
Joey kept quiet, watching them talk. Fidgety, he got up, filled the kettle, put it on the hob, and sat down. When the water boiled, he got up and made tea, then placed the steaming mugs in front of them.
“Oh. Thanks, man.” AJ nodded at him.
“I know how Chris takes his tea, but didn't know what you wanted. Sorry.”
“It's fine. Milk and sugar would be good, though.” Chris got up and got the sugar and a carton of milk and put them in front of AJ.
They had been talking for about an hour when Howie came in. He looked worse than ragged. He was unshaven, and had clearly been drinking. He took one look at them, then headed to his room.
“Howie?” Chris rose to go after him.
“Not now, Chris.” He could hear the sigh behind Howie's words. He sat down again, stunned. AJ and Joey just looked at each other.
AJ was the first to speak. “Chris, it's gonna be...”
Chris held up his hand to stop him. “AJ, I don't know what it's gonna be, and it looks like he doesn't either.”
Joey took the mugs and put them in the sink. “You gonna be okay, Chris?”
“Yeah, I'll be fine.” He got up. “You guys should probably get going. It might be better if it's just me here whenever he gets up.” He hugged each of them. “AJ, I know you have the keys, so would you lock up when you and Joey leave?”
AJ nodded. “If you need me....”
“Yeah, I know.”
“You sure you don't want us to hang out until he wakes up?” Joey was clearly not sure that leaving Chris alone with Howie was a good idea at the moment.
“Joey, I'm a big boy. It'll be okay.”
Joey and AJ did leave, eventually, although they made it clear that they were unhappy about it. They'd been gone about three hours when Howie came into the living room.
Chris was sitting on the couch, pretending to watch TV, and Howie knelt in front of him. “Chris. I'm sorry.”
“Were you running again?” Chris wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer, but figured it would be better for the cut to be sharp and brief. He'd packed his belongings already, and was just waiting for Howie to end things.
“I was, but I'm not anymore.” Howie looked up at Chris. “I'm sorry for worrying you.” He looked down again. “I had to get my head on straight.”
“And did you?” Chris was willing to listen, but not willing to prolong the agony.
“Yeah, I did. I realized that I'd be an asshole to lose this.” He moved to sit on the hassock. “Look, Chris. I was wrong not to say anything. I know that. But I didn't know how to tell you without you thinking I wanted out.” He sighed. “I didn't know it would be so hard to do.”
“Yeah, well, your momma always said you were stubborn as a mule once you got an idea in your head.” He held out an arm. “C'mere.” Howie sat next to him. “Boy, you need a shower. Go get one, and we'll talk after.”
“Okay.” He got up and headed to the bathroom.
When Howie got out of the shower, he found that Chris had changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows, and turned down the covers for him. He got into bed, and Chris moved next to him.
“You want to tell me?” He slipped one arm under Howie's neck.
“Yeah.” Howie paused. “Yeah, I do. First, thanks for waiting for me.”
“Howie, you know that's not a problem.”
“I shouldn't have left without saying something. But I was starting to feel scared. And I couldn't tell you about it. At least, I didn't think I could.”
“Baby.” He ran his free hand down Howie's arm. “You can tell me anything. I thought you knew that.” He didn't let go, and felt Howie curl closer.
“I knew it was stupid. And I needed to get away to think it out.”
“And?”
“And I'm so sorry for hurting you. I love you. I promise to try and tell you if it happens again. That is, if you don't tell me to go to Hell, which you probably should.”
“I'm not gonna do that.” He held Howie tightly. “I'm gonna fight for us...at least as long as you will.” He looked into Howie's eyes, and saw that he was exhausted. “You sleep now, baby. I'm right here.” He felt Howie nod against his shoulder.
“Chris?”
“Yeah, D.”
“Thank you.”
“Shh. Not needed. Just rest.” He wondered what it was that had so scared Howie, but knew that, whatever it turned out to be, it wasn't going to be resolved in one night.
* * * * *
Over the next few months, Howe worked hard at talking to Chris when the fear came up, as it did several times. His guys had read him the riot act the day following his return, with Alex offering to personally whip his ass if he worried Chris like that again. He knew that he had almost fucked up, almost lost Chris again, maybe for good, and by his own hand at that. He decided that this was bigger than he could deal with on his own, and asked AJ to help him find a counselor.
He saw Dr. Balian twice a week at first, and even though it was hard, he did the work she set out for him at the end of each session. They talked about his failed marriage, and about what he wanted going forward. She even had him bring Chris a couple of times, so they could work on things that cropped up during the course of his treatment. She also spoke with AJ, at Howie's request, since other than Chris, AJ was the rock that Howie leaned on most. He still hadn't come out of the closet to his parents or siblings, but he was beginning to realize just how restricting that closet was.
One evening, after a session, he decided to talk to Chris and Lance about their coming out. Chris got Lance on the phone, and Lance noted that he'd be in Howie's area later in the week, and a date was set up for dinner with him, and with AJ, who Howie knew would ask the questions he couldn't. They ordered in food, and ate while discussing the progress *Nsync was making finding their sound and how they fit together without Justin. Lance had opined that they were almost ready to take the studio time Backstreet was offering.
After Howie and Chris had cleared the table and made coffee, AJ suggested they get to what they had come together to discuss. Howie asked Chris and Lance what coming out had been like for each of them.
Lance was totally positive about his experience. “It was great. No more hiding. And being in a good, stable relationship helped a lot, D.”
Chris nodded, but was more reserved. “It was easier for me, since I wasn't the first, y'know? And Lance and Reichen were taking up most of the society pages, so that was one less thing for me to worry about.”
“The best part,” Lance took up the thread again, “was that Lou had been so damned wrong. I swear, D, I'm more popular now than I ever was when we were touring.”
Howie nodded. “But coming out to your parents? Wasn't that hard?”
Chris took that one first. “Baby, I think I was more scared than you are. But Mom told me it didn't make a damned bit of difference. The girls told me it didn't matter, except that I had better not hit on any of their boyfriends. Not that I'd ever do that, but...” he shrugged. “Besides, I have something much better right here.”
“I didn't have much choice, D.” Lance added. “I found out I was going to be outed.” Howie looked stricken. “Yeah, and I wanted them to hear it from me, not some announcer on the evening news. So I called them and told them. Mom was pretty good about it, but she had actually found out over the Internet, because she had begun to hear the rumors. She said it hurt her at first, but that it also gave her time to adjust to it when I did tell her.”
They continued talking for about an hour, and when AJ and Lance left, Howie thanked them for being willing to talk, and for giving him a lot to think about.
That night, after a long session of lovemaking, Howie touched Chris on the shoulder.
“Mmmm?”
“Thank you for telling me all that earlier.”
“No problem.” Chris' answer was practically a mumble. He inched closer to Howie. “You okay, baby?”
“Yeah, I think so.” He yawned.
“Go to sleep.”
Howie wrapped his arms more tightly around Chris. “'K.” He yawned again and closed his eyes, head resting against Chris, arms cradling him. He could feel Chris, solid against him, radiating comfort and strength.
* * * * *
It took time, but Chris could see that Howie was becoming more and more himself again. It wasn't easy, by any means, but both heart and gut told him that it would be well worth the effort. Howie wasn't running now when things got rough for him, he was sleeping better again, and Chris knew that he was feeling better about himself. Eventually, their relationship got back to its normal state.
One night after they had gotten into bed, Howie turned to him.
“Chris?”
“Yeah, baby?” He yawned.
“Dr. Balian thinks I'm ready to stop seeing her.”
“Do you think you're ready?”
“I don't know. I'm comfortable talking to her. And I'm scared.”
Chris' arms tightened around him. “Tell me?”
“I'm still afraid I'll fuck us up. I'm trying so hard, but what if I can't do it?”
“Shhh, baby. First, you will do it. And, if you can't, you can always go back, right?” He felt Howie nod against his shoulder. “And if we need to, you know AJ and I will help you pick up the pieces.” He loosened his grip enough to ruffle his hand through Howie's hair. “You are doing so well, baby, so well...” His voice lowered more and more as he felt Howie's breathing get slower and softer, until Howie was soundly sleeping while he murmured endearments and reassurance in his ear.
* * * * *
Howie hadn't meant to propose while they were doing the dishes, but he had picked up the rings he had decided on (the backs engraved with their names and the word “Forever”), and the two small boxes (a silver one for Chris, a purple one for him) in his pocket rubbed against his hip as they did the dishes.
Chris turned to hand Howie a wet plate and saw that he was distracted by something. “Howie?”
Howie started, then took the dish from his hand. “Yeah?”
“You okay? You seem a bit out of it.”
“I'm fine. Really fine.” He took Chris' hand and pulled him back toward the table.
“What's wrong, then?”
“Nothing.” He pointed Chris to one of the chairs and Chris sat. “You know how close we've become again?”
“Um. yeah. I was there for that.” Chris chuckled.
“Well, I want us to be even closer...”
“Got a problem with us finishing the dishes first, or is calling the super to unflood the kitchen in the middle of the night a turn-on I didn't know about?”
Startled, Howie laughed. “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Changing the subject.”
“There was a subject? All I know is that you dragged me away from the sink with the water still running, and haven't said why yet.”
“Um. Chris.” Howie had that totally serious look.
“Howie, what the hell?...”
“Chris, I've never been real smart about us, and you know that, but I'm kind of hoping that you can forgive me for all the times I've hurt you...”
“Only if you forgive me for the times I hurt you.”
“All in the past, baby. All forgiven a long time ago.” He paused and took a deep breath. “I never meant for this to happen now, but I can't think of another way to do it.”
“Howie?” He looked deep into Howie's eyes, stunned by the love he saw shining from them. “Oh.” Realization hit him as Howie dropped to one knee before him.
“Chris, these last few months have made me more whole than I've been in a very long time, and that's your doing. I can't imagine us ever being apart again. Not only that, I don't want to.” He drew the boxes from his pocket. He put the purple one on the table, and opened the silver one. “Chris, I don't ever want to lose you again. It would kill me.” Chris nodded, in shock at what was happening. “I want us to be together forever. I want us to have all the joys and sorrows other couples have, and to keep being made stronger by them.” He took a deep breath. “Christopher, will you be my husband?” He held the open box out to Chris.
Chris was beyond shock. “Howie? Are you sure? You know what that would mean?” He prayed quickly that Howie understood him.
“You mean do I know that if we do this I'll have to come out?” Chris nodded, speechless. “Yeah, I do. You're worth it. We're worth it.” He took the ring, a quarter-inch-high white gold band set with amethysts, from the box. “May I?” Chris nodded. Howie put the ring on his hand. “Um. I got it engraved. Nothing fancy, but...”
“Howard, you're babbling. And, yes, I will marry you, you babbling idiot.” He grinned and pulled Howie up from the floor and into his arms for a long, deep kiss, before removing the ring from the other box and slipping it onto Howie's left hand.
- - - - - - - - - - -
* “The Circle Game,” ©1966, words and music by Joni Mitchell, first recorded by Buffy Sainte-Marie on Fire & Fleet & Candlelight, in 1967, and made popular by Tom Rush on his 1968 album, The Circle Game.