BittyBang! - The Circle Game - Part II
Title: The Circle Game
Author: otherdeb
Artist: milosflaca
Pairing: Howie Dorough/Chris Kirkpatrick
Rating/Warnings: R (emotional baggage, m/m sex)
Word Count: 20,267
Summary: Howie and Chris have been everything from lovers to friends to enemies over the years. Can they make it last this time?
Link to art: art bymilosflaca
Howie fidgeted at his microphone.
“D, you wanna try that part again?” AJ was trying to be patient.
Howie sighed. “Sure, where do you want me to take it from?”
“How about from where you come in after Brian?”
“Okay.” Howie tried again, but blew the high note. “Sorry. Sorry.” He nodded at the others, acknowledging his mistake. “I just can't seem to get it today.”
“Tell you what,” AJ sounded calm, but Howie could tell he was annoyed. “Why don't you take a walk and clear your head a bit? We can work on Nick's solos while you're gone.”
“Hey, thanks. I guess I'm just not on my game here.” Nick moved into the booth as Howie got his things together. “I'll be back in about half an hour.” He left the room, fishing in his pocket for his cell phone.
“Hey, Chris. Think you can get one of your guys to drive you down here later?”
“Yeah. What's up?”
“Um. I don't think...that is...” He sighed. “Don't wanna go into it now. Can you just get here, like, for lunch later?”
“Let me see who's around. I'll call you when I know what time I can get there.” His tone of voice changed to concern. “Are you okay?”
“I've been screwing up all morning. Aje told me to go take a walk and get my head on straight.”
“Want me to kill him for you?” He heard Howie laugh weakly.
“No. Sadly, he was right.”
“Okay, then. So long as I don't get there and find one of you in pieces, because then I will really have to kill the other one.”
“Like Brian and Nick would let you.”
Chris just snorted. “Like Brian and Nick could stop me.”
“Chris, just get here...please.”
“Okay. Let me go call people.” He hung up, then punched the air. Maybe this would be the opportunity he wanted. Maybe. Howie had sounded pretty shaken. And he'd never known Howie to let his personal life interfere with his job. Then again, they had all grown far too good at compartmentalizing their lives. It came with the territory.
Joey was in town, and free, so he agreed to take Chris to the studio, provided Briahna could come along. Chris managed to get himself washed and dressed and was just spiking his hair when Joey called to say he was outside. He rang security to let Joey in, and finished his hair quickly. He was at the door when Joey and Briahna rang the bell.
“Hey, Joey.” He managed to bend enough to scoop Briahna up in his arms. “And how are you, Missy?” She blew a raspberry against his cheek, and laughed when he did the same to her. “So, where's Kel?”
“Out spending my money, like a good wife should.” Joey grinned. “So, what's up?”
“Not sure, but Howie called and asked me to meet him for lunch.”
“You trying to get that started again? Because, you know, while I support you totally, man, that train left the station years ago.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” He tickled Briahna, then put her down. “I think we've been getting close again.” They went out to Joey's car. Joey strapped Briahna into her booster seat, then helped Chris get settled.
“Chris, it would suck if you got hurt again.”
“Yeah, it would. But he seems different this time. More...I don't know...”
“Scared?”
“Well, yeah, there is that. But he also seems to be different. I'm not sure how to put it in words yet.” Joey nodded and waited. “Um, more sensitive to my needs, maybe.” He quailed under Joey's glare. “Look, he didn't have to come when I needed help. And he didn't have to stop himself when it was clear that we both wanted to...”
“La, la, la...and I'd stick my fingers in my ears if I wasn't driving.” Chris grinned at him.
“Look, Joey, I don't know what it is, but if he's willing, you know I am.”
“Okay, Chris, but if it gets too deep, or you need to leave, you know my number.”
“Yep. Still on my speed dial.”
“Below his number, obviously.” Joey was really good at sarcasm.
“Actually, not. But I didn't want to call you guys in the middle of the night and wake up Kel.”
“Considerate of you.”
“I thought so.” Chris gave Joey his sunniest grin.
Joey pulled the car into the studio lot. Chris pulled out his cell phone and hit Howie's speed dial number. “Hi. I'm here. Joey and Bri drove me.” He listened for a moment, then hung up, turned, and tickled Briahna. “He says he'll be free in about ten minutes. Mind waiting?” Joey shook his head.
“Not at all. And I'll take Bri for ice cream while you guys are at lunch.”
“Sounds good.”
“Call me when you are done, and I can pick you up wherever you guys eat.”
“Yes, Dad.”
They waited in relative silence, Briahna's chattering the only noise in the car.
Both Chris and Joey gaped when Howie appeared. He looked somewhat disheveled, something that rarely happened.
“Hi, Chris. Joey. Briahna.” He opened Chris' door, as everyone responded. “Need a hand?” Chris handed Howie his crutch, then got himself out, and leaned against Howie until he had taken the crutch back and balanced himself on it. “We're just gonna head to Kouros, if that's okay with you, Chris.” Chris nodded, knowing that the booths there would allow them whatever privacy Howie felt they needed.
“Yeah, that's good. I can wait there after we're done, and Joey and Bri will pick me up.”
“Um.” Chris looked into Howie's eyes...really looked.
“Howie?”
“I was kind of hoping you'd come back with me...assuming we're still talking later.”
“Okay. “ He bent so that he could talk into the car. “I'll call when I know if I'm coming here or heading back.”
“Okay.” Joey turned his head toward Briahna. “And I believe it's time for us to get some ice cream.” With a final nod to Chris, Joey started the car and peeled out of the lot.
Howie walked slowly, accompanying Chris to his car. He held the door for him, then walked around and got into the driver's seat. “Chris, I'm sorry I dragged you down here,”
“Hey, no problem. Feels good to go somewhere that isn't PT.” He studied Howie for a moment. Howie was definitely ragged around the edges. “C'mon. I believe you offered to buy me lunch, and I'm hungry.”
The diner was only a short drive away, so they were there inside of ten minutes. Howie helped Chris out of the car, and up the diner steps. They were seated quickly, at a booth not far from where the other Boys were seated. They ordered and ate, careful to keep the conversation to neutral topics.
“D, why did you call me?” Chris sounded tired, even though minutes before he had sounded fine.
“Um. I think we're gonna have to...that is, I think we need...er, I need to talk to you.” He looked down at the crumbs on his plate.
“Howie, whatever it is, I'm right here.”
Howie sighed. “Yeah...yeah, you are.” he looked up for a moment, then studied his plate again. “Please don't take this wrong, and you can still stay at my place, but I think I need to stay at AJ's for a bit.”
“Right. I'll start packing when Joey gets me home.”
“No, please, Chris.” Chris just glared at him. “I don't want you to leave. I just need to get my head on straight before I hurt us both again.”
“Dammit, Howard.” He forced himself to keep his voice low enough that no one outside their booth would hear. “We have the best sex either of us has had since the last time we were together, and you're already running.” Howie turned red. “I don't want you to run. It's your damned condo!”
“Chris, I promise I'm not running. I've been thinking about what you said all morning.” Chris nodded. “Maybe you are right. But I need to think this through.”
“I told you last night; you think too much.”
“Please, Chris, trust me. If I'm going to even think about trying this again, I don't want it to blow up in our faces. I really need to think about whether we should even try. It's not that I don't care...” his voice trailed off and Chris had to strain to catch the end of the sentence, “I think I care too much.”
“What do you mean, care too much?” Chris was genuinely curious. It wasn't at all like Howie to discuss his feelings.
“I'm sick of running.” Chris waited. “Chris, I still think it's probably a bad idea. But I know you want this.”
“And you don't?”
“I don't want us to hurt each other any more.” He sighed.
“I don't want us to, either, baby. And I don't think we have to hurt each other.”
“We always have.”
Chris nodded. “But we've both grown up since those days.”
“But we want different things, Chris.”
“D...” He reached across the table and took Howie's hand. “Maybe not so much anymore. We haven't talked about that.”
“Are you saying you want a family...kids...the whole thing?”
“I'm saying I want us to discuss it, D. Not now, maybe, but I do want us to discuss what we want.”
Howie studied Chris for a few minutes. “Okay, we can talk about it.”
Chris nodded. “That's good.” He hesitated.
“What?”
“We also need to talk about you coming out.”
“Chris. You know I can't do that right now. Think about what it would do to my folks. Ever since my marriage broke up they've been at me to find a nice girl and settle down again.”
“Yeah, I know. But if two guys are raising kids, it's gonna be pretty obvious. We really need to have that out of the way before we even think of starting a family.” He stroked the back of Howie's hand. “I know it's a lot to think about, and we have a long way to go before we get there, but we really do have to start planning at some point.”
Howie took a deep breath. “I'll think about that, okay? That's all I can promise right now.”
“That's fine, baby.” He looked up and noticed the other Boys had left. “Hey, don't you need to get back to the studio?” He gestured to the waitress for the check.
“Um. I invited you. My treat.” Howie got his wallet out of his back pocket.
“Then I leave the tip.”
“Okay.” Howie smiled at him. “I guess this means we are officially seeing each other?”
“I think we can say that, Howie.” He grinned. “You still want me at the studio with you?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Won't that piss off the others?”
“I don't much care.” The waitress came with their check. Howie paid it, while Chris left the tip. They grabbed their jackets, and Chris got himself balanced on his crutch.
“You wait at the door. I'll go get the car.” At Chris' nod, he almost sprinted out of the diner.
In the few moments it took Chris to get down the steps, Howie brought the car around. Chris got in and, after Howie moved the crutch out of the way, got himself belted in. They drove back to the studio in a comfortable silence, except when Chris called Joey to say he was staying with Howie and would not need a lift back home.
When they arrived, AJ suggested that Howie go and rework some of his parts from the morning. Howie agreed, making sure that Chris was seated where he could see him from the recording booth. While Howie worked, AJ grabbed a bottle of water and pulled a stool over to where Chris was sitting.
“I take it you two are together again?”
“Well, we're talking about it.” Chris' answer was cautious, since he had no idea where AJ was heading.
“He's all 'glowy,' as Nick would say.”
Chris peered through the double-glazed window. “Yeah, he is, kinda. Looks good on him.”
“Probably means he'll hit everything dead on this time.” AJ wasn't giving his approval easily. He and Howie had been friends since he was 12 and Howie was 15. They'd met way before Backstreet, when both were regulars on the Orlando audition circuit. He'd been the main one to pick up the pieces every time Howie and Chris had split.
“Yeah, he probably will.” Chris agreed. “Why don't you just out and say what you want to, McLean? I can take it.”
“Good to hear. You hurt him one more time and no one will ever find the body, Kirkpatrick.”
Chris nodded. “AJ, I don't want to hurt him. I can't stop him from running when he thinks he's screwed up, though.”
“Yeah, I know that. That's not what I'm talking about, though.”
“I intend to make it so he never feels he has to run.”
“And how will you accomplish that miracle?” Just because AJ was protective didn't mean that he was blind to Howie's faults.
“By making him feel so comfortable that he doesn't need to.”
“Well, just remember what I said. Because you know I can.” He grinned at Chris, a very scary grin....
Chris stood his ground without flinching. “Y'know, McLean, I'm glad he has someone like you in his corner. And I will remember.”
AJ got off the stool, only to be replaced by Brian a few minutes later.
“I take it your presence means we are welcoming you back into the family.” Brian's voice was soft as always.
“Well, as I told AJ, we're discussing it.”
“You know AJ won't countenance D getting hurt again.”
“Yeah, he kind of mentioned that.”
“And that we'll all help him hide the body if you screw this up.”
“I kind of figured that. But Brian, there are, y'know, two people involved in this thing.”
Brian nodded. “I expect your guys will read D the same riot act we're reading you.”
“Most likely so.” Chris nodded, then sighed. “But, y'know, it might be best if all of you let him and me work this out on our own.”
“We intend to. But D's been kind of doing the asexual thing for a long time now.”
“Um. So have I, if you've been watching.”
“Yeah, I noticed you aren't doing the poster boy for out, loud, and proud thing like Lance is.”
“Yes, well, not all of us have his looks and his schmoozing ability.”
“In short, no one's been asking?”
“Well, I haven't been looking much, either. And, even if I had been, not much can measure up to Howie, at least not for me.”
“There is that.” Brian nodded, as if he was satisfied with the answers Chris was giving. “Well, welcome to the family again. And be good to D. He could use someone to care about him that isn't us.”
“I intend to be, Brian.” Brian nodded again and held out his hand. Chris shook it.
“And...” Brian got up. “If you need to run anything by me, feel free to call.”
“You're still on my speed dial.” Chris nodded back. “I suppose Nick is next.”
Brian laughed. “Naw. Aje and I are splitting elder brother duty since Kev's retired. I tell Nick it's okay, and he'll be fine.” He turned and walked over to AJ. They spoke briefly, then AJ nodded at Brian, who left the room. Chris pulled a book out of his backpack and began to read, glancing occasionally at the booth where Howie was working.
Howie on the other hand was watching Chris pretty much every chance he got. He loved watching how animated he got while talking to others; how, even at rest, Chris was almost constantly in motion. And, while he couldn't swear Chris' occasional smiles in his direction were the reason, it only took him about an hour to redo the parts he had figured would take the better part of the afternoon. He left the booth, humming Madonna's “Lucky Star.”
Nick caught the tune and stepped into Howie's path. “What the hell are you humming in our studio?”
“Huh?” Howie stopped to think a moment, caught off guard.
“You were humming Madonna. You hate Madonna.” Nick looked as though that should mean something.
“Nick, I don't hate Madonna. I've barely met her once or twice. Now will you please move?” He attempted to get past Nick but Nick blocked him. “Y'know, I think we should never have taught you b-ball.”
He tried again but Nick blocked him again. “Why is Chris here? This is our time.”
Howie sighed. “Nick, Chris and I had lunch, and since he's staying at my place, it seemed silly to make him get a ride home from someone.”
Nick took a moment to process this. “I know you had lunch. I was about three tables away from you. But why is he staying with you?”
“Because we've been friends for over twenty years, Nick. I am allowed to have friends other than you guys, yes?” Howie's good mood was beginning to slip away.
“Yeah, but not friends who hurt you all the time. You tell him that if he hurts you again, I'm gonna kill him.”
“I will not tell him that. You want to threaten my friends, do it yourself.” Howie pushed past Nick, his good mood totally destroyed. With an “I'll be back,” tossed over his shoulder, he left the room, Nick glaring after him. Chris saw something was wrong, and froze in his seat.
Brian approached Nick warily. “What was that all about?”
“He's gonna fuck himself over again.”
“And you, who are almost ten years younger than he is, decided you had to let him know this, right?” Brian's voice was soft, but Chris could hear that he was angry. Nick apparently couldn't, though.
“I just don't want us to have to put him back together again, Rok. You know how he ends up when he and Kirkpatrick get involved.”
“Did you see AJ and me talk to Chris earlier?” Nick nodded. “Don't you think we both read him the riot act?”
“I guess.” Nick hung his head a little. “But D was humming Madonna.” He looked as though that should explain things
“What song?” Brian was still measuring his words carefully.
“Lucky Star.”
Brian looked at Chris. “Go talk to your boy - before he does something stupid.”
Chris nodded, but stayed on his stool. Brian noticed that his crutch wasn't in reach and got it for him. Chris thanked him quietly, got himself balanced, and went off in search of Howie.
Once they had the room to themselves, AJ advanced on Nick. “The only reason I'm not going to kill you now is that Brian would probably feel he had to defend you.”
“Yeah, I would, Aje. I spoke to him already.” Brian sounded uncomfortable.
“Yeah, I saw.” AJ glanced at Brian, then back at Nick. “Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?”
“Look, J, Bri...I just wanted to protect Howie.”
“By upsetting him publicly? Don't you think we all want to protect him?”
“It wouldn't have been public if Kirkpatrick hadn't been here.” Nick protested.
“Look, AJ. I spoke to him already. He knows he had no right to do that to Howie.” Brian was quiet but insistent.
AJ looked dead on at Brian. “Yeah, well, I don't hear any remorse from Junior.”
Brian held his ground. “Maybe because you aren't the one who needs to hear it.” He turned to Nick. “You are planning to apologize to Howie when he comes back, right?” His tone of voice left no room for disagreement.
“Yeah, I guess.” Nick sounded totally defeated. “But Howie will know that I didn't mean anything bad. He always knows.”
Brian nodded. “Yeah, but you totally ruined the first good mood he's had in months. You owe him an apology for that, and for starting this in front of Chris...”
“No.”
“Yes, Nick.” Brian put a hand on Nick's shoulder. “You did this in front of someone Howie cares about, whether any of us like his choice or not. And you owe him an apology for that.”
“Do I have to apologize in front of Chris?” Nick sounded like he'd rather eat nails.
“Yeah, you do, Junior.” AJ was pretty adamant.
Nick looked to Brian for support, found none, and sighed. “Okay.” He stalked off to his drum set and began pounding on it.
AJ looked at Brian and shook his head. “Y'know, I liked it better when all we had to do was keep your cousin from killing him.”
Brian laughed. “Hey, Aje, he's not so bad. Just doesn't think sometimes. And I think we can all cop to that one on occasion.”
“I guess.” AJ wasn't willing to give up being angry so easily.
“C'mon, McLean. You're just pissed because he got to Howie before you did.” He grinned at AJ.
“Yeah, a little, I guess.” AJ shook his head. “So, do you think Dorough/Kirkpatrick is a Good Thing or a Bad Thing?”
“Right now, it's just a thing, Aje. It could go either way. Chris seems to know what he wants, and is willing to put up with a lot of shit from our boy to get it.”
“Yeah, he mentioned. Be nice if D could stop believing he sucks at relationships, though. God knows, I've tried to get him to see it.”
“Yeah, I know you have, AJ, but I wouldn't bet on that happening any time soon.”
Chris found Howie in his car, head against the steering wheel, shoulders shaking slightly. “Howie?”
“Go away, please.”
“No.”
“Suit yourself.” Howie shrugged, still not looking up.
“Howie, what did Nick say to upset you?”
“Chris - ” Howie looked up and Chris could see redness around his eyes. “I really don't want to discuss it.”
“Okay.” Chris sounded reasonable. “Can I, at least, come and hold you while you work out whatever it was?”
“Chris, I really need to be alone for a bit.” His eyes begged Chris to understand.
“Okay. I'll go back and let them know you're okay.” He turned.
“Chris.”
“Yeah?” He waited.
“Thanks for understanding.”
“Hey, baby. It's all good.” He smiled at Howie, who offered a weak smile back.
“Do me a favor. See if you can keep them from killing Nick.”
“Might not be possible, but I'll try.”
“Yeah, well, be careful. If they hurt your knee, I will help your posse kill them.”
“I know, baby. I'll be careful.”
Howie nodded. “You know I...”
“Shh. I know. Go fix your hair, and get yourself together.” He smiled gently. “We can talk at home.” He waited until Howie nodded, then headed back to the studio.
When Chris came in, AJ and Brian were still lecturing Nick, who looked by turns defiant and like he was going to cry.
“AJ, Brian, can I see you guys for a minute?” AJ walked away from Nick immediately, but Brian remained, talking softly to the younger man.
“'Sup, Chris? D okay?” He pulled a stool over for Chris, then got one for himself.
“Yeah, he's fine. Just gonna sit for a few, wash his face, and he'll be back.” AJ nodded.
Brian ambled over, while Nick headed back to his drum set. “Hey Chris.”
“He's okay.” Chris held up one hand. “I want to talk to Nick when he's calmer.”
“May take a while. He really meant to protect Howie.” Brian's voice held no anger.
“Yeah, I know. I just want to make peace with him, preferably before Howie gets back.”
“Let me go and see if he'll talk to you.” Brian walked over to where Nick was polishing a fitting. “Nick, can you come talk to Chris for a minute?”
“No.”
“Nick, please. You two need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say to him.”
“Yeah, you do.” He took Nick by the arm.
“What? Every time they get together Howie gets hurt.” Nick shook his head vehemently. “Remember how long it took us to put him back together last time?”
“Yes, I do. And we'll do it again, if necessary. But Howie is a grown man, and if he thinks this is what he wants, then we need to let him see.”
“But...”
“C'mon, Nick. He's known Chris longer than he's known any of us except AJ.”
“Let him come here, then.” Nick was not willing to give in without a fight.
“On a cane? Is that how you want it? Really.” Nick nodded. Brian continued, “You really want D to come back in here and see that you made Chris come to you? How will that smooth things over?”
“Who says I want to smooth things over?”
“Nick. Stop being stubborn. Come and talk to Chris.”
“Bri-an.” Nick rarely whined any more, but he was not giving up graciously; not on this one.
“Ni-ick.” Brian sing-songed right back at him. “Get up off your ass, and get over there.”
Nick could tell that Brian wasn't going to let him off the hook this time, so he slowly finished what he was doing and stood up. With a last token protest of, “It's not fair,” he headed over to Chris.
“Brian says you want to talk to me.” He kept his voice neutral.
“Well, I think we have a few things to work out, Nick.” Chris tried to keep his voice steady and pleasant. “Clearly you're concerned about Howie.”
“Yeah. I don't want to see him all broken up again. Took us damned near forever to get him back to himself last time.”
“Nick, I can't help it if he runs. I can try to keep it from happening, but when he needs to run I won't hold him back.”
“If he runs? What about you?” Chris looked genuinely confused. “How many times have you left him?”
“Actually, only the one time.” Chris spoke quietly, aware that Brian and AJ were listening. “He left me the other times.”
“What?” Nick was confused now. “He said...”
“Yeah, well. I guess he needed to save face or something.” Chris shrugged. “That's in the past.”
“Yeah, and I don't want to have to do it again. Neither does Brian or AJ.”
“I don't want you to have to do it. And I really don't want Joey, C, and Lance to have to do it for me, again, either.” He waited while Nick digested that information. “Look, Nick. I don't know what you said to him, and I don't wanna know. That's between you two.”
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he's fine. He should be back in a few minutes.”
“I guess he's really mad at me.” Nick sounded almost like a little kid.
“I doubt it. How many times have you pissed him off in the past, and he's always forgiven you, right?” Nick nodded. “Probably be no different this time.”
“'Kay. So what did you want to tell me?”
“I wanted to ask you if we could, like, declare a truce or something.”
“Why?”
“Well, it would make it easier on him.”
“No. I mean why are you asking me? I'm sure my opinion doesn't matter all that much here.” Nick was genuinely curious.
“Well...” Chris paused to consider his words. “Obviously your opinion does matter to Howie, or he wouldn't have been so upset. That's one thing. Another is that you are one of his friends, and I'd like the chance to prove to you that I have his best interests at heart. And...” He took a breath. “I really want this to work out well, and that means making sure we don't get so wrapped up in each other that he forgets he has other friends.”
Nick just nodded. “Okay. Temporary truce. But if you hurt him, what Aje and Bri will do is nothing compared to what I will.”
Chris nodded. “That's fair.” He extended a hand, and Nick shook it, then returned to his drums.
The door opened, and Howie peered cautiously around it. “Is it safe to come in?” When all four nodded, he came in and sat on the stool AJ had vacated. “You okay, babe?” He looked at Chris.
“Yeah, but I think you and Nick need to talk.”
“We will. I promise.”
“Now, Howie.” Howie looked at him a moment, then nodded, and went over to Nick.
“Nickolas?”
“Howie?”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“I'm sorry I lost my temper.”
“Yeah, well. I'm sorry I jumped on you about Chris.”
“Um. About that.” Howie paused to get his thoughts in order. “We aren't rushing into anything, Nick. It wouldn't be wise.”
“Yeah, okay.” He shifted from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable at the thought of a public discussion of girly things like emotions. “So, we're good?”
“Yeah, we're good.” Howie gave him a brief hug, then turned to AJ and Brian. “So, can we get back to work, or something?”
AJ looked at each of them before speaking. “I think we can call it a day. But we start at 10 sharp tomorrow. Got it?” They all acknowledged the start time, and began getting their things together.
Howie slung his backpack over his shoulder and moved to Chris' side. Chris was holding his crutch, and used it to lever himself upright. Leaning on Howie, he got it under his arm. They headed toward Howie's car, chatting about all sorts of non-work things, Chris trying to take Howie's mind off the studio for a while. Howie helped Chris get settled and belted, then turned to start the car.
“Babe?”
“Yeah.”
“Long as I'm up and out, want to go out for dinner?”
“I could be persuaded. What do you have in mind?”
“I was thinking of driving up to a little seafood place I know. Very discreet, very romantic.”
“Sounds good. You can give me directions, right?”
“Yeah.”
Howie drove, and Chris dozed between giving Howie directions. The drive to the restaurant took about an hour, but when they arrived, Howie decided it had been worth it.
“Mr. Kirkpatrick. Good to see you again. What happened?” The maitre d' was genuinely pleased, but clearly concerned.
“Hey, Sean. Had knee surgery a few weeks ago. Nothing horrendous. This is my friend, Howie.” The two men nodded at each other. “How are Mary and Brigid doing?”
“Mary's tired, Brigid is being a handful. But we love her anyway.”
“Yeah, six-year-olds are like that.” He grinned. “Got a decent table for us?”
“Of course.” He led them to a window table, overlooking a small stream running through the surrounding forest. He held out the chairs, first for Chris, then for Howie. After making sure the men were comfortable he noted, “Scott will be with you shortly,” and went back to his post.
“I take it you come here often?” Howie was curious.
“Not often, and only with someone very special.” Chris grinned.
“Chris, I...”
“It's okay, babe. Just enjoy dinner.” Chris covered Howie's hand, resting on the table, with his own. “You think too much.”
“So I've been told.” Howie sighed.
Their food arrived then, and they chatted about inconsequential things as they ate. Chris refused to let Howie pay his share, so they squabbled over the check for about three minutes, then Chris paid, with Howie leaving a generous tip.
Feeling full and happy, Howie drove them back to his condo.
“Howie.”
“Mmmm?”
“Let's make it an early night.”
“Okay.” They were curled up on Howie's couch, stereo on low. “Your room or mine?”
“Which is better for you?”
“Don't know. Not sure I care, either,”
“That's good.” Chris burrowed closer to Howie.
“Is it?” Howie sounded mildly curious.
“Yeah, means your thoughts are more where I want them to be.”
“And where is that?” Howie pushed himself up, even though it meant being out of physical contact with Chris.
“In bed with me.” Chris' grin wasn't exactly cheesy, but it came damned close.
“I think I can do that...yeah.” Howie grinned back. He helped Chris up from the couch, and they headed toward Howie's room.
Chris sat at the desk while Howie turned the bed down for him. He was uncharacteristically quiet while he waited; not humming, not fidgeting, just waiting. Once the bed was ready, he moved to the side he knew Howie didn't sleep on, sat, and set his crutch against the wall by the headboard.
Howie set what they would need on the nightstand, undressed, then got into bed. He turned on his side, leaning on one elbow, and watched for a few minutes. Chris didn't move, not even to undress, and Howie was, well, getting worried.
“Chris?” His voice was low, steady, measured.
“Huh?” Chris started. “Oh, D.”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “You finally have me where you want me.”
“Sorry. I spaced out.” Chris looked sheepish.
“'S'okay. C'mere.” He moved closer, so that Chris could curl back into his arms. “What's wrong?”
“Howard, am I pushing you too fast?” He looked deep into Howie's eyes.
Howie considered for a moment. “I don't think so. I mean, if I wanted to say no, I would have.”
Chris nodded, and Howie felt the movement against the crook of his shoulder.
“Because if I am...” Chris paused.
“Chris, look at me.” Howie moved so that they were looking directly at each other. “I promise that if I need to tell you things, I will. I promise not to hold back when things are wrong. I can't do this any other way, I don't think. Not this time. Because if we lose each other again, I'm not sure we'll find our way back.”
Chris nodded, then took a breath. “Baby, you're thinking way too much.” He moved so that he could kiss Howie. It was a lover's kiss; gentle, possessive, comforting. Howie was responding before he knew it.
When they finally broke apart, Howie looked at Chris. “If you get to have me naked, do I get to have you naked, too?” He grinned, a bit nervously.
Chris smiled back. “Sure, but you have to let go of me first.” When Howie complied, he removed the sweatshirt and sweatpants as quickly as he could.
“Commando? I thought that was more C's style, or Aje's.”
“When you called, the laundry wasn't finished.” Chris blushed slightly.
“Whatever. Come back here.” He opened his arms and waited while Chris resettled himself. It felt good to be holding him, to feel Chris' weight against him, Chris' head buried in the crook of his shoulder. He was going to do his best to enjoy this while it was good for both of them, so that if he did screw things up again, at least he'd have some good memories to take with him once the pain healed.
“D?”
“What?”
“You're thinking too loudly again.” He pulled Howie's face closer and kissed him gently.
“I just don't want us to hurt each other, Chris.”
“Neither do I, babe; neither do I.” He stroked Howie's cheek, then ran his hand along Howie's jaw.
Howie pulled Chris closer, reveling in the feel of Chris' skin against his own. Soon they were exploring, each reacquainting himself with the other's body, both shivering in response to touches in sensitive spots, stopping occasionally to cuddle or kiss. Soon, they had moved so that they could suck at each other. When that became too much, Chris moved so that he could prepare Howie for more.
“Chris?”
“Baby?”
“You should let me do that.”
“Oh. Why?”
“Your knee...”
“Is just fine, thank you very much.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.” He kissed Howie gently. “You want me from front or back?”
“Don't care.”
Chris laid Howie on his back, and began kissing his way down Howie's torso. “Hold still or I'll make you.” He continued kissing Howie, while Howie tried to be as still as possible. The occasional whimper escaped his lips, but Chris just continued to leisurely tease him. He loved feeling Howie straining under him, and he was planning to have Howie begging for him before the evening was over. Howie looked beautiful, with his eyes half-closed and sweat sheening his skin. He nibbled at Howie's waist, then pushed Howie's legs apart and slipped between them. He moved downward slowly, licking and nibbling, as he went. When he nibbled at Howie's inner thigh, Howie bucked so hard that Chris was nearly thrown off the bed.
“Yes, baby, that's it.” His fingers gently brushed Howie's balls, then his inner thighs. “So hot.” He continued to tease Howie, while murmuring to himself. Howie was practically writhing on the bed now, moaning and whimpering, still trying to restrain his movements, since Chris had not given him permission to do otherwise. “Very pretty. So responsive. So sweet.” His hand brushed against Howie's cock and Howie almost screamed. “Soon, baby, I promise.” He stopped, moved up the bed, and pulled Howie into his arms. Howie came willingly, and tried to turn to be closer to Chris. “No, D. Stay still.” Howie nodded.
“But...”
“Nope. Right now is for you.”
“Chris...”
“Hush.” He put a finger to Howie's lips. “I want you to know how you make me feel.” Howie nodded. “Understand?” He nodded again. “Good.” He removed his finger and replaced it with his mouth. When Chris pulled away for air a few minutes later, Howie looked dazed, and was breathing hard.
“Chris, I want to...” Howie reached for Chris.
Chris took Howie's hand. “You will, but later, baby. Right now is for you.” He turned, covering Howie's body with his own, feeling their cocks against his skin. He began stroking Howie's cheek and kissing his way down Howie's torso, stopping to play with each nipple for a few minutes. Howie was still trying to be still, since Chris had told him to, but Chris could see how difficult it was becoming. “Howard,” Howie froze. “It's okay, baby, move.” Howie felt Chris begin to stroke him again; moved so that Chris would be touching the right places. He knew better than to tell Chris what he needed; knew Chris knew and was playing with him. Chris didn't keep him waiting very long, either. Soon he grabbed a condom and the lube, moved his legs apart and again got between them.
“Chris, no. Your knee...”
“Shh...my knee is fine.” He lubed Howie and then his own hand and inserted a finger. Howie arched and went rigid. “I love watching you, baby, you respond so nicely.” He waited until Howie's body began to relax, then moved his finger slightly. Howie moaned, low and throaty. When he felt Howie was ready, he added another finger, then a third. When Howie was comfortable with that he withdrew, put the condom on, and lubed Howie again, then lubed the condom. He positioned himself at Howie's opening and pushed. Howie screamed, half pleasure; half pain, but Chris kept pushing until he was not quite balls deep into Howie, listening and watching for signs to begin moving. When he felt Howie begin to relax again, he pushed a bit, and was rewarded with Howie arching his hips and moaning.
“Chris...”
“Right here, baby.” He shifted his weight so one hand was free and stroked Howie's cock. He could feel Howie shiver around him.
“Chris...I want ...”
“I know. And I promise you will. Later.” He began to move slowly. “I want to watch you come, baby. Want to see your face, your eyes.” His thrusts were slow and leisurely, and he could feel Howie move with each one. Soon Howie was coming, calling out Chris' name, and writhing so prettily under him. When he felt Howie go still under him, he moved up and drew Howie into his arms.
Howie let himself be held for a while, luxuriating in the warmth of Chris' body close against his own. When he had recovered enough to move, he managed to get his arms around Chris, so that he was cradling Chris against him. Half asleep, Chris let Howie's hands roam over his back, too sated to want more, but happy to let Howie explore.
Howie was thrilled at being with Chris again - really being with him - as whole-heartedly in the relationship as they had once been, even while realizing that they both had enormous baggage to deal with. He knew he had screwed things up several times before - as had Chris, admittedly - and this time he wanted to be sure that didn't happen. In fact, this time he wanted to make sure that things were permanent, even if he was too scared to take things more than very slowly.
Author: otherdeb
Artist: milosflaca
Pairing: Howie Dorough/Chris Kirkpatrick
Rating/Warnings: R (emotional baggage, m/m sex)
Word Count: 20,267
Summary: Howie and Chris have been everything from lovers to friends to enemies over the years. Can they make it last this time?
Link to art: art bymilosflaca
Howie fidgeted at his microphone.
“D, you wanna try that part again?” AJ was trying to be patient.
Howie sighed. “Sure, where do you want me to take it from?”
“How about from where you come in after Brian?”
“Okay.” Howie tried again, but blew the high note. “Sorry. Sorry.” He nodded at the others, acknowledging his mistake. “I just can't seem to get it today.”
“Tell you what,” AJ sounded calm, but Howie could tell he was annoyed. “Why don't you take a walk and clear your head a bit? We can work on Nick's solos while you're gone.”
“Hey, thanks. I guess I'm just not on my game here.” Nick moved into the booth as Howie got his things together. “I'll be back in about half an hour.” He left the room, fishing in his pocket for his cell phone.
“Hey, Chris. Think you can get one of your guys to drive you down here later?”
“Yeah. What's up?”
“Um. I don't think...that is...” He sighed. “Don't wanna go into it now. Can you just get here, like, for lunch later?”
“Let me see who's around. I'll call you when I know what time I can get there.” His tone of voice changed to concern. “Are you okay?”
“I've been screwing up all morning. Aje told me to go take a walk and get my head on straight.”
“Want me to kill him for you?” He heard Howie laugh weakly.
“No. Sadly, he was right.”
“Okay, then. So long as I don't get there and find one of you in pieces, because then I will really have to kill the other one.”
“Like Brian and Nick would let you.”
Chris just snorted. “Like Brian and Nick could stop me.”
“Chris, just get here...please.”
“Okay. Let me go call people.” He hung up, then punched the air. Maybe this would be the opportunity he wanted. Maybe. Howie had sounded pretty shaken. And he'd never known Howie to let his personal life interfere with his job. Then again, they had all grown far too good at compartmentalizing their lives. It came with the territory.
Joey was in town, and free, so he agreed to take Chris to the studio, provided Briahna could come along. Chris managed to get himself washed and dressed and was just spiking his hair when Joey called to say he was outside. He rang security to let Joey in, and finished his hair quickly. He was at the door when Joey and Briahna rang the bell.
“Hey, Joey.” He managed to bend enough to scoop Briahna up in his arms. “And how are you, Missy?” She blew a raspberry against his cheek, and laughed when he did the same to her. “So, where's Kel?”
“Out spending my money, like a good wife should.” Joey grinned. “So, what's up?”
“Not sure, but Howie called and asked me to meet him for lunch.”
“You trying to get that started again? Because, you know, while I support you totally, man, that train left the station years ago.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” He tickled Briahna, then put her down. “I think we've been getting close again.” They went out to Joey's car. Joey strapped Briahna into her booster seat, then helped Chris get settled.
“Chris, it would suck if you got hurt again.”
“Yeah, it would. But he seems different this time. More...I don't know...”
“Scared?”
“Well, yeah, there is that. But he also seems to be different. I'm not sure how to put it in words yet.” Joey nodded and waited. “Um, more sensitive to my needs, maybe.” He quailed under Joey's glare. “Look, he didn't have to come when I needed help. And he didn't have to stop himself when it was clear that we both wanted to...”
“La, la, la...and I'd stick my fingers in my ears if I wasn't driving.” Chris grinned at him.
“Look, Joey, I don't know what it is, but if he's willing, you know I am.”
“Okay, Chris, but if it gets too deep, or you need to leave, you know my number.”
“Yep. Still on my speed dial.”
“Below his number, obviously.” Joey was really good at sarcasm.
“Actually, not. But I didn't want to call you guys in the middle of the night and wake up Kel.”
“Considerate of you.”
“I thought so.” Chris gave Joey his sunniest grin.
Joey pulled the car into the studio lot. Chris pulled out his cell phone and hit Howie's speed dial number. “Hi. I'm here. Joey and Bri drove me.” He listened for a moment, then hung up, turned, and tickled Briahna. “He says he'll be free in about ten minutes. Mind waiting?” Joey shook his head.
“Not at all. And I'll take Bri for ice cream while you guys are at lunch.”
“Sounds good.”
“Call me when you are done, and I can pick you up wherever you guys eat.”
“Yes, Dad.”
They waited in relative silence, Briahna's chattering the only noise in the car.
Both Chris and Joey gaped when Howie appeared. He looked somewhat disheveled, something that rarely happened.
“Hi, Chris. Joey. Briahna.” He opened Chris' door, as everyone responded. “Need a hand?” Chris handed Howie his crutch, then got himself out, and leaned against Howie until he had taken the crutch back and balanced himself on it. “We're just gonna head to Kouros, if that's okay with you, Chris.” Chris nodded, knowing that the booths there would allow them whatever privacy Howie felt they needed.
“Yeah, that's good. I can wait there after we're done, and Joey and Bri will pick me up.”
“Um.” Chris looked into Howie's eyes...really looked.
“Howie?”
“I was kind of hoping you'd come back with me...assuming we're still talking later.”
“Okay. “ He bent so that he could talk into the car. “I'll call when I know if I'm coming here or heading back.”
“Okay.” Joey turned his head toward Briahna. “And I believe it's time for us to get some ice cream.” With a final nod to Chris, Joey started the car and peeled out of the lot.
Howie walked slowly, accompanying Chris to his car. He held the door for him, then walked around and got into the driver's seat. “Chris, I'm sorry I dragged you down here,”
“Hey, no problem. Feels good to go somewhere that isn't PT.” He studied Howie for a moment. Howie was definitely ragged around the edges. “C'mon. I believe you offered to buy me lunch, and I'm hungry.”
The diner was only a short drive away, so they were there inside of ten minutes. Howie helped Chris out of the car, and up the diner steps. They were seated quickly, at a booth not far from where the other Boys were seated. They ordered and ate, careful to keep the conversation to neutral topics.
“D, why did you call me?” Chris sounded tired, even though minutes before he had sounded fine.
“Um. I think we're gonna have to...that is, I think we need...er, I need to talk to you.” He looked down at the crumbs on his plate.
“Howie, whatever it is, I'm right here.”
Howie sighed. “Yeah...yeah, you are.” he looked up for a moment, then studied his plate again. “Please don't take this wrong, and you can still stay at my place, but I think I need to stay at AJ's for a bit.”
“Right. I'll start packing when Joey gets me home.”
“No, please, Chris.” Chris just glared at him. “I don't want you to leave. I just need to get my head on straight before I hurt us both again.”
“Dammit, Howard.” He forced himself to keep his voice low enough that no one outside their booth would hear. “We have the best sex either of us has had since the last time we were together, and you're already running.” Howie turned red. “I don't want you to run. It's your damned condo!”
“Chris, I promise I'm not running. I've been thinking about what you said all morning.” Chris nodded. “Maybe you are right. But I need to think this through.”
“I told you last night; you think too much.”
“Please, Chris, trust me. If I'm going to even think about trying this again, I don't want it to blow up in our faces. I really need to think about whether we should even try. It's not that I don't care...” his voice trailed off and Chris had to strain to catch the end of the sentence, “I think I care too much.”
“What do you mean, care too much?” Chris was genuinely curious. It wasn't at all like Howie to discuss his feelings.
“I'm sick of running.” Chris waited. “Chris, I still think it's probably a bad idea. But I know you want this.”
“And you don't?”
“I don't want us to hurt each other any more.” He sighed.
“I don't want us to, either, baby. And I don't think we have to hurt each other.”
“We always have.”
Chris nodded. “But we've both grown up since those days.”
“But we want different things, Chris.”
“D...” He reached across the table and took Howie's hand. “Maybe not so much anymore. We haven't talked about that.”
“Are you saying you want a family...kids...the whole thing?”
“I'm saying I want us to discuss it, D. Not now, maybe, but I do want us to discuss what we want.”
Howie studied Chris for a few minutes. “Okay, we can talk about it.”
Chris nodded. “That's good.” He hesitated.
“What?”
“We also need to talk about you coming out.”
“Chris. You know I can't do that right now. Think about what it would do to my folks. Ever since my marriage broke up they've been at me to find a nice girl and settle down again.”
“Yeah, I know. But if two guys are raising kids, it's gonna be pretty obvious. We really need to have that out of the way before we even think of starting a family.” He stroked the back of Howie's hand. “I know it's a lot to think about, and we have a long way to go before we get there, but we really do have to start planning at some point.”
Howie took a deep breath. “I'll think about that, okay? That's all I can promise right now.”
“That's fine, baby.” He looked up and noticed the other Boys had left. “Hey, don't you need to get back to the studio?” He gestured to the waitress for the check.
“Um. I invited you. My treat.” Howie got his wallet out of his back pocket.
“Then I leave the tip.”
“Okay.” Howie smiled at him. “I guess this means we are officially seeing each other?”
“I think we can say that, Howie.” He grinned. “You still want me at the studio with you?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Won't that piss off the others?”
“I don't much care.” The waitress came with their check. Howie paid it, while Chris left the tip. They grabbed their jackets, and Chris got himself balanced on his crutch.
“You wait at the door. I'll go get the car.” At Chris' nod, he almost sprinted out of the diner.
In the few moments it took Chris to get down the steps, Howie brought the car around. Chris got in and, after Howie moved the crutch out of the way, got himself belted in. They drove back to the studio in a comfortable silence, except when Chris called Joey to say he was staying with Howie and would not need a lift back home.
When they arrived, AJ suggested that Howie go and rework some of his parts from the morning. Howie agreed, making sure that Chris was seated where he could see him from the recording booth. While Howie worked, AJ grabbed a bottle of water and pulled a stool over to where Chris was sitting.
“I take it you two are together again?”
“Well, we're talking about it.” Chris' answer was cautious, since he had no idea where AJ was heading.
“He's all 'glowy,' as Nick would say.”
Chris peered through the double-glazed window. “Yeah, he is, kinda. Looks good on him.”
“Probably means he'll hit everything dead on this time.” AJ wasn't giving his approval easily. He and Howie had been friends since he was 12 and Howie was 15. They'd met way before Backstreet, when both were regulars on the Orlando audition circuit. He'd been the main one to pick up the pieces every time Howie and Chris had split.
“Yeah, he probably will.” Chris agreed. “Why don't you just out and say what you want to, McLean? I can take it.”
“Good to hear. You hurt him one more time and no one will ever find the body, Kirkpatrick.”
Chris nodded. “AJ, I don't want to hurt him. I can't stop him from running when he thinks he's screwed up, though.”
“Yeah, I know that. That's not what I'm talking about, though.”
“I intend to make it so he never feels he has to run.”
“And how will you accomplish that miracle?” Just because AJ was protective didn't mean that he was blind to Howie's faults.
“By making him feel so comfortable that he doesn't need to.”
“Well, just remember what I said. Because you know I can.” He grinned at Chris, a very scary grin....
Chris stood his ground without flinching. “Y'know, McLean, I'm glad he has someone like you in his corner. And I will remember.”
AJ got off the stool, only to be replaced by Brian a few minutes later.
“I take it your presence means we are welcoming you back into the family.” Brian's voice was soft as always.
“Well, as I told AJ, we're discussing it.”
“You know AJ won't countenance D getting hurt again.”
“Yeah, he kind of mentioned that.”
“And that we'll all help him hide the body if you screw this up.”
“I kind of figured that. But Brian, there are, y'know, two people involved in this thing.”
Brian nodded. “I expect your guys will read D the same riot act we're reading you.”
“Most likely so.” Chris nodded, then sighed. “But, y'know, it might be best if all of you let him and me work this out on our own.”
“We intend to. But D's been kind of doing the asexual thing for a long time now.”
“Um. So have I, if you've been watching.”
“Yeah, I noticed you aren't doing the poster boy for out, loud, and proud thing like Lance is.”
“Yes, well, not all of us have his looks and his schmoozing ability.”
“In short, no one's been asking?”
“Well, I haven't been looking much, either. And, even if I had been, not much can measure up to Howie, at least not for me.”
“There is that.” Brian nodded, as if he was satisfied with the answers Chris was giving. “Well, welcome to the family again. And be good to D. He could use someone to care about him that isn't us.”
“I intend to be, Brian.” Brian nodded again and held out his hand. Chris shook it.
“And...” Brian got up. “If you need to run anything by me, feel free to call.”
“You're still on my speed dial.” Chris nodded back. “I suppose Nick is next.”
Brian laughed. “Naw. Aje and I are splitting elder brother duty since Kev's retired. I tell Nick it's okay, and he'll be fine.” He turned and walked over to AJ. They spoke briefly, then AJ nodded at Brian, who left the room. Chris pulled a book out of his backpack and began to read, glancing occasionally at the booth where Howie was working.
Howie on the other hand was watching Chris pretty much every chance he got. He loved watching how animated he got while talking to others; how, even at rest, Chris was almost constantly in motion. And, while he couldn't swear Chris' occasional smiles in his direction were the reason, it only took him about an hour to redo the parts he had figured would take the better part of the afternoon. He left the booth, humming Madonna's “Lucky Star.”
Nick caught the tune and stepped into Howie's path. “What the hell are you humming in our studio?”
“Huh?” Howie stopped to think a moment, caught off guard.
“You were humming Madonna. You hate Madonna.” Nick looked as though that should mean something.
“Nick, I don't hate Madonna. I've barely met her once or twice. Now will you please move?” He attempted to get past Nick but Nick blocked him. “Y'know, I think we should never have taught you b-ball.”
He tried again but Nick blocked him again. “Why is Chris here? This is our time.”
Howie sighed. “Nick, Chris and I had lunch, and since he's staying at my place, it seemed silly to make him get a ride home from someone.”
Nick took a moment to process this. “I know you had lunch. I was about three tables away from you. But why is he staying with you?”
“Because we've been friends for over twenty years, Nick. I am allowed to have friends other than you guys, yes?” Howie's good mood was beginning to slip away.
“Yeah, but not friends who hurt you all the time. You tell him that if he hurts you again, I'm gonna kill him.”
“I will not tell him that. You want to threaten my friends, do it yourself.” Howie pushed past Nick, his good mood totally destroyed. With an “I'll be back,” tossed over his shoulder, he left the room, Nick glaring after him. Chris saw something was wrong, and froze in his seat.
Brian approached Nick warily. “What was that all about?”
“He's gonna fuck himself over again.”
“And you, who are almost ten years younger than he is, decided you had to let him know this, right?” Brian's voice was soft, but Chris could hear that he was angry. Nick apparently couldn't, though.
“I just don't want us to have to put him back together again, Rok. You know how he ends up when he and Kirkpatrick get involved.”
“Did you see AJ and me talk to Chris earlier?” Nick nodded. “Don't you think we both read him the riot act?”
“I guess.” Nick hung his head a little. “But D was humming Madonna.” He looked as though that should explain things
“What song?” Brian was still measuring his words carefully.
“Lucky Star.”
Brian looked at Chris. “Go talk to your boy - before he does something stupid.”
Chris nodded, but stayed on his stool. Brian noticed that his crutch wasn't in reach and got it for him. Chris thanked him quietly, got himself balanced, and went off in search of Howie.
Once they had the room to themselves, AJ advanced on Nick. “The only reason I'm not going to kill you now is that Brian would probably feel he had to defend you.”
“Yeah, I would, Aje. I spoke to him already.” Brian sounded uncomfortable.
“Yeah, I saw.” AJ glanced at Brian, then back at Nick. “Who the hell do you think you are, anyway?”
“Look, J, Bri...I just wanted to protect Howie.”
“By upsetting him publicly? Don't you think we all want to protect him?”
“It wouldn't have been public if Kirkpatrick hadn't been here.” Nick protested.
“Look, AJ. I spoke to him already. He knows he had no right to do that to Howie.” Brian was quiet but insistent.
AJ looked dead on at Brian. “Yeah, well, I don't hear any remorse from Junior.”
Brian held his ground. “Maybe because you aren't the one who needs to hear it.” He turned to Nick. “You are planning to apologize to Howie when he comes back, right?” His tone of voice left no room for disagreement.
“Yeah, I guess.” Nick sounded totally defeated. “But Howie will know that I didn't mean anything bad. He always knows.”
Brian nodded. “Yeah, but you totally ruined the first good mood he's had in months. You owe him an apology for that, and for starting this in front of Chris...”
“No.”
“Yes, Nick.” Brian put a hand on Nick's shoulder. “You did this in front of someone Howie cares about, whether any of us like his choice or not. And you owe him an apology for that.”
“Do I have to apologize in front of Chris?” Nick sounded like he'd rather eat nails.
“Yeah, you do, Junior.” AJ was pretty adamant.
Nick looked to Brian for support, found none, and sighed. “Okay.” He stalked off to his drum set and began pounding on it.
AJ looked at Brian and shook his head. “Y'know, I liked it better when all we had to do was keep your cousin from killing him.”
Brian laughed. “Hey, Aje, he's not so bad. Just doesn't think sometimes. And I think we can all cop to that one on occasion.”
“I guess.” AJ wasn't willing to give up being angry so easily.
“C'mon, McLean. You're just pissed because he got to Howie before you did.” He grinned at AJ.
“Yeah, a little, I guess.” AJ shook his head. “So, do you think Dorough/Kirkpatrick is a Good Thing or a Bad Thing?”
“Right now, it's just a thing, Aje. It could go either way. Chris seems to know what he wants, and is willing to put up with a lot of shit from our boy to get it.”
“Yeah, he mentioned. Be nice if D could stop believing he sucks at relationships, though. God knows, I've tried to get him to see it.”
“Yeah, I know you have, AJ, but I wouldn't bet on that happening any time soon.”
Chris found Howie in his car, head against the steering wheel, shoulders shaking slightly. “Howie?”
“Go away, please.”
“No.”
“Suit yourself.” Howie shrugged, still not looking up.
“Howie, what did Nick say to upset you?”
“Chris - ” Howie looked up and Chris could see redness around his eyes. “I really don't want to discuss it.”
“Okay.” Chris sounded reasonable. “Can I, at least, come and hold you while you work out whatever it was?”
“Chris, I really need to be alone for a bit.” His eyes begged Chris to understand.
“Okay. I'll go back and let them know you're okay.” He turned.
“Chris.”
“Yeah?” He waited.
“Thanks for understanding.”
“Hey, baby. It's all good.” He smiled at Howie, who offered a weak smile back.
“Do me a favor. See if you can keep them from killing Nick.”
“Might not be possible, but I'll try.”
“Yeah, well, be careful. If they hurt your knee, I will help your posse kill them.”
“I know, baby. I'll be careful.”
Howie nodded. “You know I...”
“Shh. I know. Go fix your hair, and get yourself together.” He smiled gently. “We can talk at home.” He waited until Howie nodded, then headed back to the studio.
When Chris came in, AJ and Brian were still lecturing Nick, who looked by turns defiant and like he was going to cry.
“AJ, Brian, can I see you guys for a minute?” AJ walked away from Nick immediately, but Brian remained, talking softly to the younger man.
“'Sup, Chris? D okay?” He pulled a stool over for Chris, then got one for himself.
“Yeah, he's fine. Just gonna sit for a few, wash his face, and he'll be back.” AJ nodded.
Brian ambled over, while Nick headed back to his drum set. “Hey Chris.”
“He's okay.” Chris held up one hand. “I want to talk to Nick when he's calmer.”
“May take a while. He really meant to protect Howie.” Brian's voice held no anger.
“Yeah, I know. I just want to make peace with him, preferably before Howie gets back.”
“Let me go and see if he'll talk to you.” Brian walked over to where Nick was polishing a fitting. “Nick, can you come talk to Chris for a minute?”
“No.”
“Nick, please. You two need to talk.”
“I have nothing to say to him.”
“Yeah, you do.” He took Nick by the arm.
“What? Every time they get together Howie gets hurt.” Nick shook his head vehemently. “Remember how long it took us to put him back together last time?”
“Yes, I do. And we'll do it again, if necessary. But Howie is a grown man, and if he thinks this is what he wants, then we need to let him see.”
“But...”
“C'mon, Nick. He's known Chris longer than he's known any of us except AJ.”
“Let him come here, then.” Nick was not willing to give in without a fight.
“On a cane? Is that how you want it? Really.” Nick nodded. Brian continued, “You really want D to come back in here and see that you made Chris come to you? How will that smooth things over?”
“Who says I want to smooth things over?”
“Nick. Stop being stubborn. Come and talk to Chris.”
“Bri-an.” Nick rarely whined any more, but he was not giving up graciously; not on this one.
“Ni-ick.” Brian sing-songed right back at him. “Get up off your ass, and get over there.”
Nick could tell that Brian wasn't going to let him off the hook this time, so he slowly finished what he was doing and stood up. With a last token protest of, “It's not fair,” he headed over to Chris.
“Brian says you want to talk to me.” He kept his voice neutral.
“Well, I think we have a few things to work out, Nick.” Chris tried to keep his voice steady and pleasant. “Clearly you're concerned about Howie.”
“Yeah. I don't want to see him all broken up again. Took us damned near forever to get him back to himself last time.”
“Nick, I can't help it if he runs. I can try to keep it from happening, but when he needs to run I won't hold him back.”
“If he runs? What about you?” Chris looked genuinely confused. “How many times have you left him?”
“Actually, only the one time.” Chris spoke quietly, aware that Brian and AJ were listening. “He left me the other times.”
“What?” Nick was confused now. “He said...”
“Yeah, well. I guess he needed to save face or something.” Chris shrugged. “That's in the past.”
“Yeah, and I don't want to have to do it again. Neither does Brian or AJ.”
“I don't want you to have to do it. And I really don't want Joey, C, and Lance to have to do it for me, again, either.” He waited while Nick digested that information. “Look, Nick. I don't know what you said to him, and I don't wanna know. That's between you two.”
“Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he's fine. He should be back in a few minutes.”
“I guess he's really mad at me.” Nick sounded almost like a little kid.
“I doubt it. How many times have you pissed him off in the past, and he's always forgiven you, right?” Nick nodded. “Probably be no different this time.”
“'Kay. So what did you want to tell me?”
“I wanted to ask you if we could, like, declare a truce or something.”
“Why?”
“Well, it would make it easier on him.”
“No. I mean why are you asking me? I'm sure my opinion doesn't matter all that much here.” Nick was genuinely curious.
“Well...” Chris paused to consider his words. “Obviously your opinion does matter to Howie, or he wouldn't have been so upset. That's one thing. Another is that you are one of his friends, and I'd like the chance to prove to you that I have his best interests at heart. And...” He took a breath. “I really want this to work out well, and that means making sure we don't get so wrapped up in each other that he forgets he has other friends.”
Nick just nodded. “Okay. Temporary truce. But if you hurt him, what Aje and Bri will do is nothing compared to what I will.”
Chris nodded. “That's fair.” He extended a hand, and Nick shook it, then returned to his drums.
The door opened, and Howie peered cautiously around it. “Is it safe to come in?” When all four nodded, he came in and sat on the stool AJ had vacated. “You okay, babe?” He looked at Chris.
“Yeah, but I think you and Nick need to talk.”
“We will. I promise.”
“Now, Howie.” Howie looked at him a moment, then nodded, and went over to Nick.
“Nickolas?”
“Howie?”
“Can I talk to you for a minute?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“I'm sorry I lost my temper.”
“Yeah, well. I'm sorry I jumped on you about Chris.”
“Um. About that.” Howie paused to get his thoughts in order. “We aren't rushing into anything, Nick. It wouldn't be wise.”
“Yeah, okay.” He shifted from one foot to the other, clearly uncomfortable at the thought of a public discussion of girly things like emotions. “So, we're good?”
“Yeah, we're good.” Howie gave him a brief hug, then turned to AJ and Brian. “So, can we get back to work, or something?”
AJ looked at each of them before speaking. “I think we can call it a day. But we start at 10 sharp tomorrow. Got it?” They all acknowledged the start time, and began getting their things together.
Howie slung his backpack over his shoulder and moved to Chris' side. Chris was holding his crutch, and used it to lever himself upright. Leaning on Howie, he got it under his arm. They headed toward Howie's car, chatting about all sorts of non-work things, Chris trying to take Howie's mind off the studio for a while. Howie helped Chris get settled and belted, then turned to start the car.
“Babe?”
“Yeah.”
“Long as I'm up and out, want to go out for dinner?”
“I could be persuaded. What do you have in mind?”
“I was thinking of driving up to a little seafood place I know. Very discreet, very romantic.”
“Sounds good. You can give me directions, right?”
“Yeah.”
Howie drove, and Chris dozed between giving Howie directions. The drive to the restaurant took about an hour, but when they arrived, Howie decided it had been worth it.
“Mr. Kirkpatrick. Good to see you again. What happened?” The maitre d' was genuinely pleased, but clearly concerned.
“Hey, Sean. Had knee surgery a few weeks ago. Nothing horrendous. This is my friend, Howie.” The two men nodded at each other. “How are Mary and Brigid doing?”
“Mary's tired, Brigid is being a handful. But we love her anyway.”
“Yeah, six-year-olds are like that.” He grinned. “Got a decent table for us?”
“Of course.” He led them to a window table, overlooking a small stream running through the surrounding forest. He held out the chairs, first for Chris, then for Howie. After making sure the men were comfortable he noted, “Scott will be with you shortly,” and went back to his post.
“I take it you come here often?” Howie was curious.
“Not often, and only with someone very special.” Chris grinned.
“Chris, I...”
“It's okay, babe. Just enjoy dinner.” Chris covered Howie's hand, resting on the table, with his own. “You think too much.”
“So I've been told.” Howie sighed.
Their food arrived then, and they chatted about inconsequential things as they ate. Chris refused to let Howie pay his share, so they squabbled over the check for about three minutes, then Chris paid, with Howie leaving a generous tip.
Feeling full and happy, Howie drove them back to his condo.
“Howie.”
“Mmmm?”
“Let's make it an early night.”
“Okay.” They were curled up on Howie's couch, stereo on low. “Your room or mine?”
“Which is better for you?”
“Don't know. Not sure I care, either,”
“That's good.” Chris burrowed closer to Howie.
“Is it?” Howie sounded mildly curious.
“Yeah, means your thoughts are more where I want them to be.”
“And where is that?” Howie pushed himself up, even though it meant being out of physical contact with Chris.
“In bed with me.” Chris' grin wasn't exactly cheesy, but it came damned close.
“I think I can do that...yeah.” Howie grinned back. He helped Chris up from the couch, and they headed toward Howie's room.
Chris sat at the desk while Howie turned the bed down for him. He was uncharacteristically quiet while he waited; not humming, not fidgeting, just waiting. Once the bed was ready, he moved to the side he knew Howie didn't sleep on, sat, and set his crutch against the wall by the headboard.
Howie set what they would need on the nightstand, undressed, then got into bed. He turned on his side, leaning on one elbow, and watched for a few minutes. Chris didn't move, not even to undress, and Howie was, well, getting worried.
“Chris?” His voice was low, steady, measured.
“Huh?” Chris started. “Oh, D.”
“Yeah.” He chuckled. “You finally have me where you want me.”
“Sorry. I spaced out.” Chris looked sheepish.
“'S'okay. C'mere.” He moved closer, so that Chris could curl back into his arms. “What's wrong?”
“Howard, am I pushing you too fast?” He looked deep into Howie's eyes.
Howie considered for a moment. “I don't think so. I mean, if I wanted to say no, I would have.”
Chris nodded, and Howie felt the movement against the crook of his shoulder.
“Because if I am...” Chris paused.
“Chris, look at me.” Howie moved so that they were looking directly at each other. “I promise that if I need to tell you things, I will. I promise not to hold back when things are wrong. I can't do this any other way, I don't think. Not this time. Because if we lose each other again, I'm not sure we'll find our way back.”
Chris nodded, then took a breath. “Baby, you're thinking way too much.” He moved so that he could kiss Howie. It was a lover's kiss; gentle, possessive, comforting. Howie was responding before he knew it.
When they finally broke apart, Howie looked at Chris. “If you get to have me naked, do I get to have you naked, too?” He grinned, a bit nervously.
Chris smiled back. “Sure, but you have to let go of me first.” When Howie complied, he removed the sweatshirt and sweatpants as quickly as he could.
“Commando? I thought that was more C's style, or Aje's.”
“When you called, the laundry wasn't finished.” Chris blushed slightly.
“Whatever. Come back here.” He opened his arms and waited while Chris resettled himself. It felt good to be holding him, to feel Chris' weight against him, Chris' head buried in the crook of his shoulder. He was going to do his best to enjoy this while it was good for both of them, so that if he did screw things up again, at least he'd have some good memories to take with him once the pain healed.
“D?”
“What?”
“You're thinking too loudly again.” He pulled Howie's face closer and kissed him gently.
“I just don't want us to hurt each other, Chris.”
“Neither do I, babe; neither do I.” He stroked Howie's cheek, then ran his hand along Howie's jaw.
Howie pulled Chris closer, reveling in the feel of Chris' skin against his own. Soon they were exploring, each reacquainting himself with the other's body, both shivering in response to touches in sensitive spots, stopping occasionally to cuddle or kiss. Soon, they had moved so that they could suck at each other. When that became too much, Chris moved so that he could prepare Howie for more.
“Chris?”
“Baby?”
“You should let me do that.”
“Oh. Why?”
“Your knee...”
“Is just fine, thank you very much.”
“You sure?”
“Yes.” He kissed Howie gently. “You want me from front or back?”
“Don't care.”
Chris laid Howie on his back, and began kissing his way down Howie's torso. “Hold still or I'll make you.” He continued kissing Howie, while Howie tried to be as still as possible. The occasional whimper escaped his lips, but Chris just continued to leisurely tease him. He loved feeling Howie straining under him, and he was planning to have Howie begging for him before the evening was over. Howie looked beautiful, with his eyes half-closed and sweat sheening his skin. He nibbled at Howie's waist, then pushed Howie's legs apart and slipped between them. He moved downward slowly, licking and nibbling, as he went. When he nibbled at Howie's inner thigh, Howie bucked so hard that Chris was nearly thrown off the bed.
“Yes, baby, that's it.” His fingers gently brushed Howie's balls, then his inner thighs. “So hot.” He continued to tease Howie, while murmuring to himself. Howie was practically writhing on the bed now, moaning and whimpering, still trying to restrain his movements, since Chris had not given him permission to do otherwise. “Very pretty. So responsive. So sweet.” His hand brushed against Howie's cock and Howie almost screamed. “Soon, baby, I promise.” He stopped, moved up the bed, and pulled Howie into his arms. Howie came willingly, and tried to turn to be closer to Chris. “No, D. Stay still.” Howie nodded.
“But...”
“Nope. Right now is for you.”
“Chris...”
“Hush.” He put a finger to Howie's lips. “I want you to know how you make me feel.” Howie nodded. “Understand?” He nodded again. “Good.” He removed his finger and replaced it with his mouth. When Chris pulled away for air a few minutes later, Howie looked dazed, and was breathing hard.
“Chris, I want to...” Howie reached for Chris.
Chris took Howie's hand. “You will, but later, baby. Right now is for you.” He turned, covering Howie's body with his own, feeling their cocks against his skin. He began stroking Howie's cheek and kissing his way down Howie's torso, stopping to play with each nipple for a few minutes. Howie was still trying to be still, since Chris had told him to, but Chris could see how difficult it was becoming. “Howard,” Howie froze. “It's okay, baby, move.” Howie felt Chris begin to stroke him again; moved so that Chris would be touching the right places. He knew better than to tell Chris what he needed; knew Chris knew and was playing with him. Chris didn't keep him waiting very long, either. Soon he grabbed a condom and the lube, moved his legs apart and again got between them.
“Chris, no. Your knee...”
“Shh...my knee is fine.” He lubed Howie and then his own hand and inserted a finger. Howie arched and went rigid. “I love watching you, baby, you respond so nicely.” He waited until Howie's body began to relax, then moved his finger slightly. Howie moaned, low and throaty. When he felt Howie was ready, he added another finger, then a third. When Howie was comfortable with that he withdrew, put the condom on, and lubed Howie again, then lubed the condom. He positioned himself at Howie's opening and pushed. Howie screamed, half pleasure; half pain, but Chris kept pushing until he was not quite balls deep into Howie, listening and watching for signs to begin moving. When he felt Howie begin to relax again, he pushed a bit, and was rewarded with Howie arching his hips and moaning.
“Chris...”
“Right here, baby.” He shifted his weight so one hand was free and stroked Howie's cock. He could feel Howie shiver around him.
“Chris...I want ...”
“I know. And I promise you will. Later.” He began to move slowly. “I want to watch you come, baby. Want to see your face, your eyes.” His thrusts were slow and leisurely, and he could feel Howie move with each one. Soon Howie was coming, calling out Chris' name, and writhing so prettily under him. When he felt Howie go still under him, he moved up and drew Howie into his arms.
Howie let himself be held for a while, luxuriating in the warmth of Chris' body close against his own. When he had recovered enough to move, he managed to get his arms around Chris, so that he was cradling Chris against him. Half asleep, Chris let Howie's hands roam over his back, too sated to want more, but happy to let Howie explore.
Howie was thrilled at being with Chris again - really being with him - as whole-heartedly in the relationship as they had once been, even while realizing that they both had enormous baggage to deal with. He knew he had screwed things up several times before - as had Chris, admittedly - and this time he wanted to be sure that didn't happen. In fact, this time he wanted to make sure that things were permanent, even if he was too scared to take things more than very slowly.