Fic: Tether
Do not ask me where this came from. Do not kill me. I hate myself a little right now.
Title: Tether
Fandom: TBBT
Pairing: Sheldon/Penny
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3710
Warnings: emo angst, sexual references, language
Summary: Sheldon and Penny break up. Yeah, I know.
It was the worst breakup of Penny’s life.
It was way worse than her breakup with Leonard, with the awkward attempt to transition back into being friends, where had taken her a while to stop herself from relapsing with him whenever she felt lonely or fat. But she’d take that over this any day.
“Sheldon, I’m sorry,” she said, standing in the middle of the living room. Sheldon was in the kitchen. She doubted that anyone who didn’t know him would even be able to tell that anything was wrong, but she saw the way his fingers gripped the counter, and the way his mouth turned down at the corners, and if she’d thought she’d felt like the shittiest person in the world before, it’s nothing like how awful she felt right then.
It was a while before Sheldon spoke. “Well, Penny,” he replied, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he tried to keep his voice even (he mostly succeeded), “I cannot honestly say that I did not consider this possibility.”
She is going to go to hell and burn there forever.
“Given that, as you are a being of profound sexual desires and we both know that I am incapable of fulfilling said desires, this was practically inevitable.”
“It’s not as if I meant to hurt you.”
“I am not hurt,” Sheldon snapped. “This is merely a normal reaction to the revelation that one has been cuckolded. It’s biology, nothing more.”
Penny hung her head. She wondered if throwing up would make things better or worse. Probably worse, because God knows what Sheldon would do if she barfed in his apartment. He’d probably react worse to that than the news that she’d cheated on him.
“After all,” Sheldon continued, “the male of the species is programmed to react negatively to his mate engaging in intercourse with another male. If you were to procreate - I assume that you used protection?”
Penny told herself that this was how Sheldon dealt with things. He processed it scientifically so he wouldn’t have to deal with it emotionally. But she still couldn’t help but think that he didn’t give a damn about who she slept with. “Yes,” she muttered.
“Then I would be aiding you in rearing my competitor’s progeny. However, your biological imperative is to mate with as many genetically fit males as you can while you are still fertile. It’s only to be expected.”
Penny clenched her teeth to stop herself from screaming at him. God, did he never shut up about science? Did he really think that she was a slave to her goddamn biological imperative? Was he even angry with her?
“I know what you’re feeling right now,” she said, gently.
Sheldon looked up at her for the first time. “Now how could you possibly know that?”
* * *
She knew going into this relationship that it would be difficult.
She knew it the first time she brought up the issue of sex. It’d been about a month since they’d decided to give being in a relationship a try, and, frankly, Penny was getting antsy. When she’d broached the topic, Sheldon had told her something about having previously had sex, but not finding it enjoyable. He had offered to try again with her, if it was that important to her.
So they’d had sex. It wasn’t bad. He seemed to know what to do all right, and she enjoyed herself, even if she didn’t come.
“That was good,” she told him, rubbing his shoulder.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he replied, smiling in a non-creepy way. Penny thought he had a really cute smile, although he probably wouldn’t have appreciated the compliment.
“Did you like it?” she asked, tilting her head and grinning back.
“Not particularly, but my only aim was to give you pleasure.”
Penny blinked, and her smile melted away, her lips turning down at the corners. “What do you mean, you didn’t like it?”
Sheldon sighed. “Penny, not all of us are as obsessed with the act of coitus as you are. I have never felt the urge to engage in sexual intercourse.”
“What, never?”
“Never.”
Penny bit her lip. “So, what, you don’t think I’m attractive?”
“I know that you’re attractive. Your facial features and body type are biologically appealing. Do I feel the need to throw you down and ravage you? No.”
Penny looked down at the bed covers. “So, what. You don’t want to have sex with me?”
“Not particularly.” Sheldon looked over at her. “Penny, I am fond of your company. I enjoy being with you, despite your inferior intelligence. And, if it makes you happy, I will have sexual intercourse with you, even though I do not personally find it enjoyable. It’s comparable to you watching Star Trek with me, even though I know you have no great interest in science fiction.”
Clearly Penny was even more insane than she had thought. Not only was she in love with Sheldon, she actually found that speech kind of romantic.
“So, what you’re saying is, you don’t like sex, but you’re willing to have sex with me because I like it?”
Sheldon gave her that look of his. “That’s what I just said. It will probably be at least half an hour before I can achieve another erection. Would you like to have sex again, or would you prefer to go to sleep?”
“God, you’re such a charmer.”
“That does not answer the question.”
“Wake me up when you’re hard.”
* * *
The sex got better. Sheldon seemed interested in mastering the technique, although Penny suspected that he would show the same devotion to, say, building model airplanes. Actually, he’d probably prefer the model airplanes, because that didn’t involve any bodily fluids.
However, Penny couldn’t really enjoy herself knowing that he didn’t. She loved sex, had always loved sex. Given a choice between almost any other activity and sex, she would choose sex. And she couldn’t quite wrap her head around the fact that Sheldon didn’t enjoy it, not even a little bit. But the closest she got to him liking it was him admitting that it was “not the most disagreeable activity I could imagine”. (Apparently the most disagreeable activity he could imagine was being forced to listen to his mother’s preacher lecture about how evolution was wrong and not being able to correct him.)
“Why do you keep asking me?” Sheldon said, irritably, after the ninth time they had sex. “Is it not enough that I am agreeing to this arrangement? Must I be forced to enjoy it?”
“Well, you could at least pretend to like it.”
“You really want a sexual partner who would lie to you? I must say, Penny, I can see why all of your previous relationships have failed so spectacularly.”
She rolled her eyes and began to count to ten in her head. She barely got to three. “Yeah, well, you’re just weird.”
“Why am I the weird one? I fail to understand your obsession with coitus, just as you fail to understand my lack of interest, and yet I don’t call you ‘weird’.”
“Would you stop calling it ‘coitus’? I mean, it was gross enough when we weren’t actually having it.”
Sheldon took a deep breath. “Penny, I would like it if you would appreciate what I am doing for you.”
Deep down, Penny did know what he was doing. It would be the same as if she was sleeping with someone she didn’t find attractive because she loved them. She knew that she was being ungrateful. But whenever she saw that look on his face when he fucked her, like he was zoning out and thinking about whatever it was he thought about, it was just…
She didn’t bring it up with him again.
* * *
“Is this because you are dissatisfied with our arrangement?” Sheldon asked, still standing in the kitchen. Penny tried not to roll her eyes. “Arrangement”? God, he made it sound like an forced marriage or something.
“No,” she said, although she knew that was a lie. If she was happy about their relationship, why would she screw someone else?
Oh, God, she’s unhappy.
“Please be honest with me. We cannot have a working relationship if you are not honest.”
“Fine. I’m not happy with our ‘arrangement’.” She used actual air quotes for the last word, just so that he would get it.
“Why are you unhappy?” he said, calmly. He didn’t seem too concerned with her unhappiness - it sounded like it was just another problem to be fixed, like she was a broken TiVo. God, for all that talk about wanting to please her with sex, he didn’t seem too busted up over this.
She took a deep breath and sat down, making sure to avoid his spot. She looked up at him.
“Do you even care if I’m unhappy?”
* * *
The realization that she loved him wasn’t much of a story.
“Penny, may I borrow some fabric softener?” Sheldon asked on day, while they shared the laundry room.
“Yeah, sure,” she said, passing it to him. His slender fingers brushed over hers, and Penny felt some sort of weird tingling thing. She’s fairly sure that’s how it began, anyway.
Of course, it took about three months for her to admit to herself that she was attracted to him, and another three months for her to figure out that she was actually in love with him, and then six months after that for her to get the balls to tell him. And in between was a lot of self-justification, self-loathing, Sheldon-loathing, and alcohol abuse.
But when she finally got up the courage to tell him (aided by large amounts of booze), and he said something like “I reciprocate your amorous feelings”, that was supposed to be the hard part over, right?
And she’d known going in, sort of, that being in a relationship with Sheldon Cooper wasn’t going to be easy. Hell, being in the same room as Sheldon was no simple task. But even when she was frustrated with him beyond belief for being insensitive or rude, there was still that flutter in her chest, the way he occasionally rewarded her with a smile. Penny had thought that would be enough.
She’d ignored how different they were. After all, opposites attracted, didn’t they? And every relationship she’d been in up to this point was meant to go smoothly and didn’t, Leonard being a prime example of that. Maybe she needed a challenge, maybe she needed something she could really sink her teeth into, to engage her. After all, they had a really great friendship based on animosity. Shouldn’t that carry over to romance, as well?
But she hadn’t really known how difficult it was going to be. Penny knew that Sheldon wasn’t the most expressive person in the world, but she could barely get him to admit that he loved her.
“Sheldon?” she’d said, one night when they were alone.
“Yes?”
“Do you love me?”
Sheldon paused Battlestar Galactica and considered it. “Well, I take pleasure from being with you, despite your numerous annoying qualities.”
“Jeez, thanks a lot.”
“I experience an increased heart rate when I look at you or think about you. And when you are gone, I find your absence saddening. I suppose that could be deemed love.”
“But do you deem it love?”
He just turned Battlestar Galactica back on, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. She didn’t say anything else, but, looking back, she kind of wished she had.
She knew that saying “I love you” isn’t the end-all and be-all of a successful relationship. She was sure there were plenty of successful couples who never said the l-word to each other. But the only thing she could think of was Leonard, and how she could never say it with him.
Because she didn’t love him.
It was one of those annoying things that lodged into your brain and never went away. The ones that woke you up at 3 AM, making you wonder - what if he doesn’t really love me?
She knew it was dumb. If Sheldon didn’t want to be with her, he wouldn’t be with her.
Penny knew lots of things. That didn’t mean she believed them.
* * *
“Perhaps it would be for the best if we no longer saw each other romantically,” Sheldon said.
“So, we’re breaking up,” Penny said. She pretty much expected this, although it didn’t stop her from feeling like she was about to break into a million tiny pieces.
“Well, if you’re not happy, then I don’t see the point in putting the effort needed to maintain a relationship.”
“Yeah, but what do you want?”
Sheldon just looked at her. Penny knew that look. It was the look that carried so much emotion, all of the things he tried to suppress or hide but couldn’t.
Sheldon Cooper looked sad.
“I have suspected for some time,” he said, slowly, “that I am not the kind of man who would do well in a relationship with another person. I am stubborn and set in my ways, whereas a good partner should be flexible. I do not enjoy physical intimacy, and I find emotional openness difficult.” He swallowed again, as if holding back something. Tears, maybe? “I cannot provide what you need - this incident has made it clear. I cannot make you happy.” He blinked and looked up at her, and Penny was pretty sure she wasn’t imagining the moistness in his eyes - not crying, never crying. “Despite what you may think, I want nothing more than your happiness. If I am standing in the way of that, I will move aside.”
Penny bit her lip. She felt the hot tears slide down her cheeks, but she forgot how to stop them. In an instant, Sheldon was beside her, holding her awkwardly, and she couldn’t help but laugh. Even after all this time, he still hadn’t quite gotten the hang of hugging.
“Why are you laughing?” Sheldon asked.
She hiccupped. “Because I’m sad.”
“That makes no sense,” he said, wiping away a tear. “You laugh when you are happy. You cry when you are sad.”
Penny took his hand. “Not always, Sheldon.”
He simply nodded.
“It…” he said, after a long pause. “It would be foolish, to continue this. I do not think we have a hope of succeeding.”
She swallowed down a sob. “Sometimes I wish you weren’t so damn analytical all the time.”
Sheldon didn’t say anything. He just laced his fingers through hers.
“Penny, I love you.”
That just made her burst into tears again.
* * *
The thing is, the sex totally wasn’t worth breaking up with Sheldon for.
It was just some guy at the bar. Sheldon had insisted that he spend Halo Night with the group, so Penny had taken a night off and gone out with some friends. When she got separated from the herd, some guy, definitely her type, with more muscles than brains approached her.
She got wasted and took him home. When she woke up, he was gone. A few years ago, it would’ve barely been worth writing down in her diary.
And that was what ended her relationship with Sheldon.
It wasn’t supposed to end like that. Hell, they weren’t supposed to end. They were supposed to be fairy tale, romantic comedy, pretty girl meets smart guy, falling in love with your ex’s best friend, wrong guy first, every fucking cliché in the book. It was all supposed to be curtains down on their first kiss, and happily ever after. That was how it worked, wasn’t it?
She loved him. It was supposed to be enough.
* * *
“Good morning, Penny,” Sheldon said, as she entered the laundry room. He still did his laundry at the same time she did. God, that was the thing about Sheldon - he wouldn’t alter his routines, even to avoid awkwardness.
“Oh. Hey.” Penny considered going back up to her apartment and hiding there for the next three or four years, give or take, but she decided against it. The Penny who’d fallen in love with Sheldon never backed down from a challenge - if she had, she’d have left Pasadena and never looked back the instant she even suspected she had feelings for him.
So instead she took the washer furthest away from him, and did her laundry in silence.
They continued like that for a few weeks. They didn’t really talk to each other when they were together in the group, although they both insisted on having it be the five of them. Leonard, Howard, and Raj tried to work around it, but she knew this was probably just as awful for them as this was for her.
But she didn’t really change her routines, either.
Penny told herself that was the problem with them - they were both too stubborn, too set in their ways. But she knew that wasn’t true. Sheldon had given. My only aim was to give you pleasure.
Telling herself that they were both too stubborn was just easier, that was all. Easier than admitting that maybe they’d just wanted different things, and there was no way they could reconcile that. It was easy to harbor a small grudge against herself, for needing and wanting more than he could give her. Easy to imagine that maybe, one day, she’ll be able to settle.
“Good morning, Penny.”
“Morning, Sheldon.”
Sheldon’s shoulders suddenly seemed burdened with an invisible weight these days. The way he folded his clothes, the way he put them in the washing machine. The way he walked, and played video games. It was all with this new stiffness.
Penny tried to look at herself in the mirror, see if she carried that same burden. She couldn’t tell.
* * *
God, she was going insane.
It was every scenario in her head, playing over and over. If she’d done something differently. If she’d talked to Sheldon sooner, if she’d made this compromise, if she’d done that thing for him. Maybe they’d still be together.
She realized that she was being pathetic, but she felt entitled to a little pathetic-ness. After all, what kind of person couldn’t keep up a relationship with someone they loved? That’s right - a pathetic one.
It took her another month to actually talk to Sheldon about it.
“We broke up because of me.”
Sheldon looked over at her. “That’s not true.” Penny was a little taken aback by how he didn’t even yell at her for barging into the apartment without knocking.
“Of course it’s true.”
“Well, let me rephrase. We ended our relationship because you were no longer happy, correct?”
She nodded.
“In that sense, we did break up because of you. However, I believe that you think that the termination of our relationship was because of some fault of yours.”
“That’s what I’m saying, yes.”
“You have many faults, but none of them contributed to us ending.”
“Of course they did! If I hadn’t slept with that guy…”
“We would have remained in a relationship where you were not fully satisfied,” he said, interrupting her. “As I said before, I want you to be happy.”
“Jesus. You’re Sheldon Cooper. Since when do you know anything about happiness?” She sat down, realizing that she was being unfair, but she was too sick and tired and confused to stop herself. She felt even worse about herself when she saw the hurt, the real hurt, crossing over his features.
“I was happy with you,” he said, quietly.
She took a deep breath. “Then why aren’t we together?”
“We are incompatible.”
She shook her head. “But we love each other.”
Sheldon sat down next to her. “Penny, love is not a rational basis for any major decision, especially when one is choosing who to spend a lifetime with.”
She laughed, incredulously. “Christ, since when does any of this have to do with reason? Can’t you just stop it with the Spock shit for two seconds?”
Sheldon put his hands on her arms and gave her a steely glare. “Believe me, I am finding this just as difficult as you are. I do not want to be rational. I do not want to consider the problems we will encounter in the long term. All I want is to be with you again.”
She leaned in for a kiss. He pushed her away.
“But I know that we would both regret it,” he told her, solemnly. His face was almost expressionless, but Penny could see the effort he was putting into keeping it that way. “This has nothing to do with anything you or I could have prevented, or changed. We are simply too different by nature.” He brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. “I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish that I could be the man who fulfills you. But I know I can’t.”
Penny knew it made sense. But she didn’t believe it.
“The longer you deny it,” he said, “the more this will hurt. I will always value you as a companion. I may even continue to love you. But I do not believe that we are well-matched for each other.”
“I don’t want to let you go.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t, either. But this is the only way.”
“What if I… what if we did an open relationship? What if I could sleep with other guys, and I could just love you?”
“I have no desire to allow you to have intercourse with other men. And I don’t think you have any desire to keep your sexual partners and your romantic partners separate.” Sheldon swallowed. “I would become jealous, and you’d fall in love with someone else.”
She shook her head. “I…”
“Penny, please. This won’t work. Can’t you see that?”
She did see that. Of course she saw that. But it was too hard to accept defeat. She’d never been able to call it quits, to say that something was beyond her. She and Sheldon had always fought for what they wanted. How could they just give this up?
“I… I know,” she told him. “God, I know.”
Title: Tether
Fandom: TBBT
Pairing: Sheldon/Penny
Rating: PG-13
Wordcount: 3710
Warnings: emo angst, sexual references, language
Summary: Sheldon and Penny break up. Yeah, I know.
It was the worst breakup of Penny’s life.
It was way worse than her breakup with Leonard, with the awkward attempt to transition back into being friends, where had taken her a while to stop herself from relapsing with him whenever she felt lonely or fat. But she’d take that over this any day.
“Sheldon, I’m sorry,” she said, standing in the middle of the living room. Sheldon was in the kitchen. She doubted that anyone who didn’t know him would even be able to tell that anything was wrong, but she saw the way his fingers gripped the counter, and the way his mouth turned down at the corners, and if she’d thought she’d felt like the shittiest person in the world before, it’s nothing like how awful she felt right then.
It was a while before Sheldon spoke. “Well, Penny,” he replied, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he tried to keep his voice even (he mostly succeeded), “I cannot honestly say that I did not consider this possibility.”
She is going to go to hell and burn there forever.
“Given that, as you are a being of profound sexual desires and we both know that I am incapable of fulfilling said desires, this was practically inevitable.”
“It’s not as if I meant to hurt you.”
“I am not hurt,” Sheldon snapped. “This is merely a normal reaction to the revelation that one has been cuckolded. It’s biology, nothing more.”
Penny hung her head. She wondered if throwing up would make things better or worse. Probably worse, because God knows what Sheldon would do if she barfed in his apartment. He’d probably react worse to that than the news that she’d cheated on him.
“After all,” Sheldon continued, “the male of the species is programmed to react negatively to his mate engaging in intercourse with another male. If you were to procreate - I assume that you used protection?”
Penny told herself that this was how Sheldon dealt with things. He processed it scientifically so he wouldn’t have to deal with it emotionally. But she still couldn’t help but think that he didn’t give a damn about who she slept with. “Yes,” she muttered.
“Then I would be aiding you in rearing my competitor’s progeny. However, your biological imperative is to mate with as many genetically fit males as you can while you are still fertile. It’s only to be expected.”
Penny clenched her teeth to stop herself from screaming at him. God, did he never shut up about science? Did he really think that she was a slave to her goddamn biological imperative? Was he even angry with her?
“I know what you’re feeling right now,” she said, gently.
Sheldon looked up at her for the first time. “Now how could you possibly know that?”
* * *
She knew going into this relationship that it would be difficult.
She knew it the first time she brought up the issue of sex. It’d been about a month since they’d decided to give being in a relationship a try, and, frankly, Penny was getting antsy. When she’d broached the topic, Sheldon had told her something about having previously had sex, but not finding it enjoyable. He had offered to try again with her, if it was that important to her.
So they’d had sex. It wasn’t bad. He seemed to know what to do all right, and she enjoyed herself, even if she didn’t come.
“That was good,” she told him, rubbing his shoulder.
“I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he replied, smiling in a non-creepy way. Penny thought he had a really cute smile, although he probably wouldn’t have appreciated the compliment.
“Did you like it?” she asked, tilting her head and grinning back.
“Not particularly, but my only aim was to give you pleasure.”
Penny blinked, and her smile melted away, her lips turning down at the corners. “What do you mean, you didn’t like it?”
Sheldon sighed. “Penny, not all of us are as obsessed with the act of coitus as you are. I have never felt the urge to engage in sexual intercourse.”
“What, never?”
“Never.”
Penny bit her lip. “So, what, you don’t think I’m attractive?”
“I know that you’re attractive. Your facial features and body type are biologically appealing. Do I feel the need to throw you down and ravage you? No.”
Penny looked down at the bed covers. “So, what. You don’t want to have sex with me?”
“Not particularly.” Sheldon looked over at her. “Penny, I am fond of your company. I enjoy being with you, despite your inferior intelligence. And, if it makes you happy, I will have sexual intercourse with you, even though I do not personally find it enjoyable. It’s comparable to you watching Star Trek with me, even though I know you have no great interest in science fiction.”
Clearly Penny was even more insane than she had thought. Not only was she in love with Sheldon, she actually found that speech kind of romantic.
“So, what you’re saying is, you don’t like sex, but you’re willing to have sex with me because I like it?”
Sheldon gave her that look of his. “That’s what I just said. It will probably be at least half an hour before I can achieve another erection. Would you like to have sex again, or would you prefer to go to sleep?”
“God, you’re such a charmer.”
“That does not answer the question.”
“Wake me up when you’re hard.”
* * *
The sex got better. Sheldon seemed interested in mastering the technique, although Penny suspected that he would show the same devotion to, say, building model airplanes. Actually, he’d probably prefer the model airplanes, because that didn’t involve any bodily fluids.
However, Penny couldn’t really enjoy herself knowing that he didn’t. She loved sex, had always loved sex. Given a choice between almost any other activity and sex, she would choose sex. And she couldn’t quite wrap her head around the fact that Sheldon didn’t enjoy it, not even a little bit. But the closest she got to him liking it was him admitting that it was “not the most disagreeable activity I could imagine”. (Apparently the most disagreeable activity he could imagine was being forced to listen to his mother’s preacher lecture about how evolution was wrong and not being able to correct him.)
“Why do you keep asking me?” Sheldon said, irritably, after the ninth time they had sex. “Is it not enough that I am agreeing to this arrangement? Must I be forced to enjoy it?”
“Well, you could at least pretend to like it.”
“You really want a sexual partner who would lie to you? I must say, Penny, I can see why all of your previous relationships have failed so spectacularly.”
She rolled her eyes and began to count to ten in her head. She barely got to three. “Yeah, well, you’re just weird.”
“Why am I the weird one? I fail to understand your obsession with coitus, just as you fail to understand my lack of interest, and yet I don’t call you ‘weird’.”
“Would you stop calling it ‘coitus’? I mean, it was gross enough when we weren’t actually having it.”
Sheldon took a deep breath. “Penny, I would like it if you would appreciate what I am doing for you.”
Deep down, Penny did know what he was doing. It would be the same as if she was sleeping with someone she didn’t find attractive because she loved them. She knew that she was being ungrateful. But whenever she saw that look on his face when he fucked her, like he was zoning out and thinking about whatever it was he thought about, it was just…
She didn’t bring it up with him again.
* * *
“Is this because you are dissatisfied with our arrangement?” Sheldon asked, still standing in the kitchen. Penny tried not to roll her eyes. “Arrangement”? God, he made it sound like an forced marriage or something.
“No,” she said, although she knew that was a lie. If she was happy about their relationship, why would she screw someone else?
Oh, God, she’s unhappy.
“Please be honest with me. We cannot have a working relationship if you are not honest.”
“Fine. I’m not happy with our ‘arrangement’.” She used actual air quotes for the last word, just so that he would get it.
“Why are you unhappy?” he said, calmly. He didn’t seem too concerned with her unhappiness - it sounded like it was just another problem to be fixed, like she was a broken TiVo. God, for all that talk about wanting to please her with sex, he didn’t seem too busted up over this.
She took a deep breath and sat down, making sure to avoid his spot. She looked up at him.
“Do you even care if I’m unhappy?”
* * *
The realization that she loved him wasn’t much of a story.
“Penny, may I borrow some fabric softener?” Sheldon asked on day, while they shared the laundry room.
“Yeah, sure,” she said, passing it to him. His slender fingers brushed over hers, and Penny felt some sort of weird tingling thing. She’s fairly sure that’s how it began, anyway.
Of course, it took about three months for her to admit to herself that she was attracted to him, and another three months for her to figure out that she was actually in love with him, and then six months after that for her to get the balls to tell him. And in between was a lot of self-justification, self-loathing, Sheldon-loathing, and alcohol abuse.
But when she finally got up the courage to tell him (aided by large amounts of booze), and he said something like “I reciprocate your amorous feelings”, that was supposed to be the hard part over, right?
And she’d known going in, sort of, that being in a relationship with Sheldon Cooper wasn’t going to be easy. Hell, being in the same room as Sheldon was no simple task. But even when she was frustrated with him beyond belief for being insensitive or rude, there was still that flutter in her chest, the way he occasionally rewarded her with a smile. Penny had thought that would be enough.
She’d ignored how different they were. After all, opposites attracted, didn’t they? And every relationship she’d been in up to this point was meant to go smoothly and didn’t, Leonard being a prime example of that. Maybe she needed a challenge, maybe she needed something she could really sink her teeth into, to engage her. After all, they had a really great friendship based on animosity. Shouldn’t that carry over to romance, as well?
But she hadn’t really known how difficult it was going to be. Penny knew that Sheldon wasn’t the most expressive person in the world, but she could barely get him to admit that he loved her.
“Sheldon?” she’d said, one night when they were alone.
“Yes?”
“Do you love me?”
Sheldon paused Battlestar Galactica and considered it. “Well, I take pleasure from being with you, despite your numerous annoying qualities.”
“Jeez, thanks a lot.”
“I experience an increased heart rate when I look at you or think about you. And when you are gone, I find your absence saddening. I suppose that could be deemed love.”
“But do you deem it love?”
He just turned Battlestar Galactica back on, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. She didn’t say anything else, but, looking back, she kind of wished she had.
She knew that saying “I love you” isn’t the end-all and be-all of a successful relationship. She was sure there were plenty of successful couples who never said the l-word to each other. But the only thing she could think of was Leonard, and how she could never say it with him.
Because she didn’t love him.
It was one of those annoying things that lodged into your brain and never went away. The ones that woke you up at 3 AM, making you wonder - what if he doesn’t really love me?
She knew it was dumb. If Sheldon didn’t want to be with her, he wouldn’t be with her.
Penny knew lots of things. That didn’t mean she believed them.
* * *
“Perhaps it would be for the best if we no longer saw each other romantically,” Sheldon said.
“So, we’re breaking up,” Penny said. She pretty much expected this, although it didn’t stop her from feeling like she was about to break into a million tiny pieces.
“Well, if you’re not happy, then I don’t see the point in putting the effort needed to maintain a relationship.”
“Yeah, but what do you want?”
Sheldon just looked at her. Penny knew that look. It was the look that carried so much emotion, all of the things he tried to suppress or hide but couldn’t.
Sheldon Cooper looked sad.
“I have suspected for some time,” he said, slowly, “that I am not the kind of man who would do well in a relationship with another person. I am stubborn and set in my ways, whereas a good partner should be flexible. I do not enjoy physical intimacy, and I find emotional openness difficult.” He swallowed again, as if holding back something. Tears, maybe? “I cannot provide what you need - this incident has made it clear. I cannot make you happy.” He blinked and looked up at her, and Penny was pretty sure she wasn’t imagining the moistness in his eyes - not crying, never crying. “Despite what you may think, I want nothing more than your happiness. If I am standing in the way of that, I will move aside.”
Penny bit her lip. She felt the hot tears slide down her cheeks, but she forgot how to stop them. In an instant, Sheldon was beside her, holding her awkwardly, and she couldn’t help but laugh. Even after all this time, he still hadn’t quite gotten the hang of hugging.
“Why are you laughing?” Sheldon asked.
She hiccupped. “Because I’m sad.”
“That makes no sense,” he said, wiping away a tear. “You laugh when you are happy. You cry when you are sad.”
Penny took his hand. “Not always, Sheldon.”
He simply nodded.
“It…” he said, after a long pause. “It would be foolish, to continue this. I do not think we have a hope of succeeding.”
She swallowed down a sob. “Sometimes I wish you weren’t so damn analytical all the time.”
Sheldon didn’t say anything. He just laced his fingers through hers.
“Penny, I love you.”
That just made her burst into tears again.
* * *
The thing is, the sex totally wasn’t worth breaking up with Sheldon for.
It was just some guy at the bar. Sheldon had insisted that he spend Halo Night with the group, so Penny had taken a night off and gone out with some friends. When she got separated from the herd, some guy, definitely her type, with more muscles than brains approached her.
She got wasted and took him home. When she woke up, he was gone. A few years ago, it would’ve barely been worth writing down in her diary.
And that was what ended her relationship with Sheldon.
It wasn’t supposed to end like that. Hell, they weren’t supposed to end. They were supposed to be fairy tale, romantic comedy, pretty girl meets smart guy, falling in love with your ex’s best friend, wrong guy first, every fucking cliché in the book. It was all supposed to be curtains down on their first kiss, and happily ever after. That was how it worked, wasn’t it?
She loved him. It was supposed to be enough.
* * *
“Good morning, Penny,” Sheldon said, as she entered the laundry room. He still did his laundry at the same time she did. God, that was the thing about Sheldon - he wouldn’t alter his routines, even to avoid awkwardness.
“Oh. Hey.” Penny considered going back up to her apartment and hiding there for the next three or four years, give or take, but she decided against it. The Penny who’d fallen in love with Sheldon never backed down from a challenge - if she had, she’d have left Pasadena and never looked back the instant she even suspected she had feelings for him.
So instead she took the washer furthest away from him, and did her laundry in silence.
They continued like that for a few weeks. They didn’t really talk to each other when they were together in the group, although they both insisted on having it be the five of them. Leonard, Howard, and Raj tried to work around it, but she knew this was probably just as awful for them as this was for her.
But she didn’t really change her routines, either.
Penny told herself that was the problem with them - they were both too stubborn, too set in their ways. But she knew that wasn’t true. Sheldon had given. My only aim was to give you pleasure.
Telling herself that they were both too stubborn was just easier, that was all. Easier than admitting that maybe they’d just wanted different things, and there was no way they could reconcile that. It was easy to harbor a small grudge against herself, for needing and wanting more than he could give her. Easy to imagine that maybe, one day, she’ll be able to settle.
“Good morning, Penny.”
“Morning, Sheldon.”
Sheldon’s shoulders suddenly seemed burdened with an invisible weight these days. The way he folded his clothes, the way he put them in the washing machine. The way he walked, and played video games. It was all with this new stiffness.
Penny tried to look at herself in the mirror, see if she carried that same burden. She couldn’t tell.
* * *
God, she was going insane.
It was every scenario in her head, playing over and over. If she’d done something differently. If she’d talked to Sheldon sooner, if she’d made this compromise, if she’d done that thing for him. Maybe they’d still be together.
She realized that she was being pathetic, but she felt entitled to a little pathetic-ness. After all, what kind of person couldn’t keep up a relationship with someone they loved? That’s right - a pathetic one.
It took her another month to actually talk to Sheldon about it.
“We broke up because of me.”
Sheldon looked over at her. “That’s not true.” Penny was a little taken aback by how he didn’t even yell at her for barging into the apartment without knocking.
“Of course it’s true.”
“Well, let me rephrase. We ended our relationship because you were no longer happy, correct?”
She nodded.
“In that sense, we did break up because of you. However, I believe that you think that the termination of our relationship was because of some fault of yours.”
“That’s what I’m saying, yes.”
“You have many faults, but none of them contributed to us ending.”
“Of course they did! If I hadn’t slept with that guy…”
“We would have remained in a relationship where you were not fully satisfied,” he said, interrupting her. “As I said before, I want you to be happy.”
“Jesus. You’re Sheldon Cooper. Since when do you know anything about happiness?” She sat down, realizing that she was being unfair, but she was too sick and tired and confused to stop herself. She felt even worse about herself when she saw the hurt, the real hurt, crossing over his features.
“I was happy with you,” he said, quietly.
She took a deep breath. “Then why aren’t we together?”
“We are incompatible.”
She shook her head. “But we love each other.”
Sheldon sat down next to her. “Penny, love is not a rational basis for any major decision, especially when one is choosing who to spend a lifetime with.”
She laughed, incredulously. “Christ, since when does any of this have to do with reason? Can’t you just stop it with the Spock shit for two seconds?”
Sheldon put his hands on her arms and gave her a steely glare. “Believe me, I am finding this just as difficult as you are. I do not want to be rational. I do not want to consider the problems we will encounter in the long term. All I want is to be with you again.”
She leaned in for a kiss. He pushed her away.
“But I know that we would both regret it,” he told her, solemnly. His face was almost expressionless, but Penny could see the effort he was putting into keeping it that way. “This has nothing to do with anything you or I could have prevented, or changed. We are simply too different by nature.” He brushed a lock of her hair behind her ear. “I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish that I could be the man who fulfills you. But I know I can’t.”
Penny knew it made sense. But she didn’t believe it.
“The longer you deny it,” he said, “the more this will hurt. I will always value you as a companion. I may even continue to love you. But I do not believe that we are well-matched for each other.”
“I don’t want to let you go.”
He shakes his head. “I don’t, either. But this is the only way.”
“What if I… what if we did an open relationship? What if I could sleep with other guys, and I could just love you?”
“I have no desire to allow you to have intercourse with other men. And I don’t think you have any desire to keep your sexual partners and your romantic partners separate.” Sheldon swallowed. “I would become jealous, and you’d fall in love with someone else.”
She shook her head. “I…”
“Penny, please. This won’t work. Can’t you see that?”
She did see that. Of course she saw that. But it was too hard to accept defeat. She’d never been able to call it quits, to say that something was beyond her. She and Sheldon had always fought for what they wanted. How could they just give this up?
“I… I know,” she told him. “God, I know.”