I KEEL YOU NOW!

[ornoth]

So I was having one of those initial get-to-know-you conversations with a new friend. She’d perused my blog a bit and had a couple interesting observations after reading my most recent post about feelings here.

In response to my lifelong question about whether I have emotions and to what degree, and my pursuit of those elusive feelings, she

Comments

[awfief]

In fact, in high-drama communities (think the all-girl cat fights, and the cruising part of the gay community), strength of emotion is often seen as "crying wolf" or "protesting too much". The stronger the emotion is conveyed, the less depth is attributed to it. (or less validity, anyway, but generally it's seen that high-drama people are high-drama because they're not actually feeling deeply about the whole situation, just one very small part of it. Maybe that's breadth instead of depth...who knows?)

So yes, there's a balance between being so stoic as to wondering whether you have emotions and being high-drama, leaving other people wondering if you actually have any introspection whatsoever.

I wrote more, but I decided to post it in my journal.

[ornoth]

Huh. Interesting point. Yeah, there are people who are so high-drama that their protestations do come across as somehow insincere or at least not quite based on a full/broad understanding of the facts. Another interesting point to think upon.

And, uh... When's the rest of your thoughts going to show up in your journal, or were you referring to your private/written journal?

[awfief]

That's the stoic/foul weather friends thing. I basically was writing a lot of "I see that in me, sometimes" and realized it'd be better off in my lj.

http://awfief.livejournal.com/481257.html

[slinkr]

This notion of men as being naturally calmer and steadier than women usually comes attached to the idea that women are emotionally volatile (and therefore unable to be trusted with authority and leadership responsibilities) because they're at the mercy of their menstrual cycles.

[ornoth]

Hmmm. Interesting associations, most of which I was unaware of.

Well, calmer and steadier I'll buy as a generalization, but with the caveat that all generalizations fail in individual instances.

Extrapolating that to "woman are untrustworthy" seems a rather substantial overreaction, though. I thought that whole "I have emotions, therefore I'm a danger to everyone around me" went out a long time ago, at least in my circles.

And then attributing all that to menses? That's just cracked. Sure, women have hormonal variations, but emotions are a much more than just a periodic fluctuation... and one which varies greatly in its effect from individual to individual.

It does bring up an interesting question, though. My understanding is that the BCP moderates women's hormonal fluctuations; I wonder whether there's been a noticeable change in the overall moodiness of women, or the perception thereof, as a result of the recent availability of BCPs. Huh. Just thinking out loud again...

[ukelele]

In my case, I never noticed that I had PMS until my most recent birth control prescription, when 2-3 days before my period I would get an inescapable day-long headache and turn into a complete bitch, overreacting and angry in a way I couldn't control. (I was remarking to my husband that, gosh, apparently I get PMS on this brand of pill! weird! and he said, uh, you always got it, just never this severely, at which point of course I bit his head off).

Anyway, I don't think there's anything unreasonable in saying that women can have hormonally influenced emotional variation, or that BCP can affect that (actually I hear some fairly dramatic tales of the interaction between preexisting mental health issues and hormonal birth control from some of my friends), but I think it would be awfully hazardous to say that it affects all women similarly.

[iniren]

Well, don't confuse depth/strength of feelings with their expression. Drama people can strongly feel and express "shallow" emotions (then again, when is an emotion not "deep" if you're really feeling it? At that moment, it just might be.)

Other people, like you, can have deep and/or strong emotions, but have no outer manifestation at all. Doesn't mean you're not feeling it - you just need to figure out a way to share it w/ others in a way that works for both you and for them.

And yea, I can certainly think of more laid-back men than women, in general. But, sadly, that "reassuring, protective, and steadying presence", though excellent, can sadly often also come off as not caring.

I think it also has a lot to do with how we're used to perceiving and reacting to emotions, and how we all try to connect, or feel connected, with others.

Interesting thoughts.

[ornoth]

Mmm. Interesting. Do you think I fall into that strong, steady thing? I guess I could. I kind of think of it as just being laid-back and keeping a long-term perspective and not getting all agitated over stuff that's beyond one's crontol. But you're right in that it might be something that suppresses the visibility of my emotions. Hmmm.